Single Parents (2018) s01e15 Episode Script

A Cash-Grab Cooked Up By the Crepe Paper Industry

1 Hands off, old man! This is my lasagna! I don't care if it's the last one.
My fingers touched it first.
[Strained.]
You want to review the security footage? - Yo, isn't that Graham's mom? - MAN: Let go! Yeah.
It's Graham's mom.
Angie? - [Grunts.]
- Fine! Hey.
- Hi! - Hey.
What are you guys doing here? - Oh, we're just - Oh, I-I came here by mistake.
This isn't my cart.
I asked you a question.
- What are you doing here? - Uh, we're just, um, doing some Palentine shopping.
Yeah, Will has a, uh, magical night planned for me.
"You make the flowers bloom.
You make the stars shine.
Will you be my Palentine?" I have a pal! Will, I'm so sorry that I didn't respond before.
I have plans with Owen.
By the way, the flowers you sent had aphids in them.
It took me, like, a week to get them out of my kitchen.
- You got invited, too? - Yeah.
So, Angie, cooking a romantic meal for Owen, huh? - [Chuckles.]
- I see you're making him frozen turkey, light bulbs, pre-sliced radishes, and 12 boxes of condoms.
Did I say we had plans later or did I say we had plans later?! Okay, fine.
You got me, okay? I'm working.
For Beck+Call.
The delivery app.
Did you get fired from your law firm? Let me guess Drugs? Drinking? Aged out? All flattering guesses, but no.
Just a side job make some extra cash.
Right.
Hey, are are you in a pinch? I'd love to help out any way I can.
No, dude.
Dude, I'm fine.
I'm I'm actually kind of good at this.
- [Chuckles.]
- I think Britney45, that's my screen name, is gonna get the "Golden Cart" tonight.
It's a money bonus that Beck+Call gives you when you get 10 good reviews in a row.
I'm gonna use it to pay for Graham's trip to El Capitan.
Especially since Jackie is all over me for the money.
So, checks can be made out to "Jackie Has a Business, LLC.
" Still waiting on a few deposits.
- Hi, Jackie.
- Hi, Angie.
Well, it it is Palentine's Day, so I don't know if you'd want a couple of pals to assist you in any way.
Really? You'd do that? We got your back, Angie.
- [Exhales sharply.]
- Oh, wow.
Okay.
Uh, thanks.
So, fill this cart with ground beef, - and I'll meet you at the birthday cakes.
- [Claps.]
So, who's coming with me to the sauna? MacArthur's farewell address Reagan's Evil Empire speech Jack Palance accepting his Oscar for "City Slickers" [Doorbell rings.]
[Gasps.]
I was watching "Newhart" reruns.
It got me feeling all frisky.
Big Red.
I-Is this some type of Valentine's surprise? Pbbt! Valentine's is for dopes.
It's just a cash-grab cooked up by the crepe paper industry.
- Yes.
- Now, let's make some sugar.
I-I-I B-Bu L-Listen, unfortunately, I'm occupied.
Oh.
Where is she? I'm sure the three of us can work something out.
Uh, n-no, it's not another woman.
- I'm babysitting.
- Gotcha.
I guess I can call the guy that sold me my snowmobile.
- Toodles! - No, no, hey! You know what? I'll just put them to bed! - How long we talking? - Not long.
6:08, lights out.
- What about dinner? - Ah, you can have it for breakfast.
What's with D'Amato? Louisa gave him a personal Valentine.
Poured her heart out in a way that I can only describe as "raw.
" And Graham gave her A picture of a mouse that said "Cheese be mine!" It's so first thought.
GRAHAM: Oh, Louisa.
I wanted to write her something personal [Inhales deeply.]
but alas, I was a coward.
[Sighs.]
Sounds like a tomorrow problem.
Okay, everybody go to sleep or just lie there with your eyes closed.
- I don't care.
- I'll get to sleep as soon as I craft the perfect Valentine.
Until then, I will not rest, I cannot rest, and I shall not rest! - This ain't going away.
- Emma, Amy, there's a visitor out there in a trench coat.
- Keep her occupied.
- Sir, yes, sir! Just like we trained for! Great.
Quickly.
Okay, what do you need from me? Your wisdom, your honesty, and most of all, your heart.
It's interesting that my kids are friends with you.
I feel like dipping something in tartar sauce.
Right away.
We'll microwave some clam strips.
Come on.
Mark's almost here.
Time to go.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I'm not going anywhere.
I can't watch you suffer through another failed romance with a mediocre man.
That nonsense ends tonight.
[Knock on door.]
[Sighs.]
Rory.
Rory! [Chuckles.]
Uh, I'm Mark.
Uh, I'm your mom's, Poppy's, um driver.
I'm here to take her to a, uh floral design competition, of which this is my first entry.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, Mark, you think I don't know about you? I know.
I'm not sure how information is shared between you and your 30 kids, but my mom and I are very open, - so please, have a seat.
- Okay.
- [Chuckles nervously.]
- [Clears throat.]
Um, Rory, you and I talked about me dating, and you said you were okay.
I am.
I just don't know if you two are compatible.
So, uh, land your can, Poppy.
It's game time.
What do you mean "game time"? [Game show music plays.]
Welcome to "Scenarios!" All right.
Nine deliveries down, one to go.
[Sighs.]
Thank you, guys.
Now I can see Owen for Valentine's Day.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, and now I can see Will for Palentine's Day.
[Chuckles.]
And also every other person Will knows who didn't have something better to do.
Okay.
[Vehicle door opens.]
[Music plays.]
[Doorbell rings.]
[Laughs.]
That is good.
Oh, that's funny.
Yeah, just give me one second.
Angie? What are you doing here? Hello! [Chuckles.]
I'm here for the party.
You don't remember me RSVPing? I don't remember inviting you.
But I guess - come in? - Huh.
A couples Valentine's party with the parents from school? [Chuckles.]
I'm in.
Make yourself at home.
You're the only unmarried person here.
I hope that doesn't bother you.
Oh, no, no.
It just frees me up to flirt with all your husbands.
[Both laugh.]
[Clears throat.]
Jared, honey, stay close.
[Groans.]
Where are the groceries? Oh, hon, I told you to stop using Beck+Call.
They hire gutter people.
I mean, there's a reason why they're [Chuckling.]
delivering groceries.
Right? It's just like [Inhales deeply.]
why can't you just be rich? So true.
I'm writing a scathing review.
I'm gonna bury Britney45.
Will you excuse me? I gotta - Spell "delinquent.
" - "Delinquent" - D-E-L-I-N - Mm-hmm.
[Cellphone buzzing.]
- [Cellphone beeps.]
- Angie, what's taking you so long? Are you under duress? If so, order a pizza.
[Whispering.]
I'm not ordering a pizza, okay? This is Jackie's house! I told her that I came to her stupid party 'cause I didn't want her to know that I work for Beck+Call.
[Cellphone chimes.]
[Groans.]
She gave me a bad review.
Zero stars?! The bitch torched me! Just because I threw her groceries in the bushes.
- You what? - You don't get it.
I need that Golden Cart money! Graham's trip depends on it.
- Aw, Ang - Don't "Aw, Ang" me! Just get in here and help me steal her phone so I can rewrite the review.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
- [Sighs deeply.]
- Gotta go bail Angie out of another jam.
- [Seatbelt clicks.]
So, what, you just want me to wait in the car, like a dog? - [Sighs.]
- This is supposed to be our night.
It is.
Y-You know, I guess on Palentine's Day, it's natural to ask the question, Will what are we? Fine.
You want to come? Come.
Do you really want me to come, or are you just saying that? I really want you to come.
- Fine.
But we can't go empty-handed.
- [Doorbell rings.]
Oh! I invited you guys, too? Can't drink and Evite anymore.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God, is that crudités? I ordered some that never came.
Let's party! Mwah! [Game show music plays.]
Should I be concerned? I-I knew I should've worn a suit.
I-I second-guessed myself at the door.
No, no, it's just Rory being Rory.
He can be overprotective and a little dramatic.
[Both chuckle, music stops.]
Your "Scenarios!" categories "It's All Relatives," "Robes & Baths," "Three-Day Weekends," "Out On The Town," and "State Capitals.
" - Contestant 2? - Hmm let's do "Robes & Baths.
" "My mom draws you a bath.
Do you take the bath?" Bath bath Do I take the bath? No, I don't think I do.
- [Whispering.]
Yes.
- Correct.
In this scenario, my mom drew you a bath as a test because RORY AND POPPY: "Men who take baths are weird.
" - Mm.
- Okay, um, I'll take "State Capitals.
" "What is the state capital of Oregon?" Okay, how is that a scenario? - Fine.
Salem.
Right? - Yeah.
See? We'll be done in no time.
I'll try "State Capitals.
" Multiple choice! "You and my mom are in Topeka, Kansas, for a wedding.
You've just learned that the theme is 'The Beach, ' and neither of you have packed the proper clothes.
Do you 'A' pretend that you never got the invitation, 'B' buy beach clothes, 'C' purposefully drive your rental car off the road?" [Chuckles.]
- I'll go with - Hold your horses, cowboy.
The answers go to "N.
" "'D' get into a fight.
" [Music plays, indistinct conversations.]
So, here's the plan Jackie has been on her phone all night, and she keeps Instagramming the party - and tagging famous people - Aha! so everyone thinks they're here.
[Chuckles.]
Like Josh Hartnett would really come here.
Anyway, when she puts it down, you distract her, and I'll grab it.
- Well, how do we distract her? - I don't know.
Ask her about the show her husband writes for.
"Gotham"? It's the last season.
I don't want any spoilers.
Mnh-mnh.
Agreed.
This is nuts, Angie.
You're an amazing mom who's working really hard to make sure her son has a great life.
Yeah, just tell her the truth.
You're proud as hell, just like the cast and crew of "Gotham.
" Or at least they should be.
I'm not proud, okay? I'm embarrassed.
This is all embarrassing.
I haven't even told Owen.
Angie, I'm so sorry.
Do you want to talk about it? No! I'm gonna do the only thing I can do, and that's steal Jackie's phone.
Oh, she just put it down! Hot screen! Hot screen! - Hot screen! This way.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Jackie! - Hey.
- Hi! - So, again, uh, - such a great party really - Aww, thanks.
and to think we almost didn't come.
- That's really funny.
- That's funny.
[Laughs.]
JACKIE: Oh, I'm so sorry you didn't find anyone for your Palentine's Day thing.
Jared was so bummed he couldn't make it.
- Wait, you asked Jared? - Now is not the time, Miggy.
- Okay, cool.
Mm-hmm.
- What's going on with you guys? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
[Chuckles.]
Nothing.
It's nothing.
Okay, um - Well, I'm gonna go mingle.
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe you guys just stay right here.
- Right here.
Word.
Uh - Okay, great.
- [Gasps.]
Jackie! Hi! Oh! - Why are we hugging? 'Cause it's Valentine's Day.
Another Negroni, ma'am? Five's my limit, ladies.
What's taking your old man so long? We've been at this for an hour, okay? The boy's a mess.
New strategy.
Graham, why don't you why don't you come sit down with us.
All right.
You know, when I want to show someone that I care, I can count on a gift that's decorative and healthy Fogerty, are you pitching me Edible Arrangements?! That's an easy out.
But with Louisa, there are no easy outs.
Look at the card she gave me.
"Love is a puzzle.
I've gathered the clues.
Now I know the answer is Y-O-U.
" - Terrific.
- And then on the inside, there's, like, an 80-letter palindrome.
[Sighs.]
She's a genius of love, a master of riddles.
I'm just a guy who still can't read a clock.
4:00 A.
M.
? I'm ruined.
Ding dong.
- Oh! - Look, uh, I'm gonna take a hike.
I didn't come here tonight to kick it with the "Peanuts" gang.
I-I know, and I'm sorry.
It's just This kid here has it really bad for some twist named Louisa.
But we're almost out of the weeds.
The sooner we solve it, the sooner we hit the road to Sheetsville? Where you will be the mayor.
Easy peasy! Take it from a travel agent who has booked over 4,800 unforgettable couples cruises.
All I need is like 14 bucks and the holiday aisle at Rite Aid.
Yes, my queen.
"Hello, Internet"? "To whom it may concern"? Okay, clearly, you've never written a review before.
Okay, just say it was hands down the best service you ever had.
- Shopping cart emoji.
- Look, if anybody can capture the voice of a 40-year-old woman, it's me.
Dude, I just thought we could do this together.
You know, like pals.
Whoa.
Palentine's Day is drama-free! Dude, you're the one that's bringing the drama! I'm only here because everyone else you asked said no.
- [Scoffs.]
- Sorry for thinking you actually wanted me around.
Miggy, please don't make this about you.
This is about Angie.
And how this was hands down the best service I've ever had! - What? - Oh, there's a shopping cart emoji.
- That's so cute.
- I literally just said that.
It's like you don't even see me! - [Knock on door.]
- ANGIE: Hey.
You guys.
Did you fix the fix the toilet? They fix They broke the toilet, and now they're fixing it.
Angie, I can't find my phone.
Let me borrow yours.
Gimme your phone.
I have to call it.
[Line ringing.]
- Oh! - Are you playing "Rhythm of the Night"? Great song, but not the time.
I'm not.
It's coming from Jackie's phone.
But I love it, too.
Forget about the worries on your mind - I - You can leave them all behind To the beat of the rhythm of the night - Oh, the rhythm - JACKIE: What are you doing? the night To be completely honest, Rory, no, I wouldn't go to Mark's grandma's funeral if it was on your birthday.
Even if he was visiting Santa Fe? I don't get it.
Well, clearly! I mean, Rory's birthday is sacred, no matter what state capital he's in.
RORY: Well, folks, they came out swinging, but Wait.
What's that? Wow.
I am being told that this is the worst score in "Scenarios!" history.
We'll return after this commercial.
Friends, end-of-life planning isn't easy, but it can be fun.
At Rory Banks Funeral Home, the party never ends.
This is gonna sound crazy, but "Scenarios!" has made me realize that we really aren't compatible.
- Right? It's weirdly illuminating.
- Yeah.
Yeah! I mean, as insane as it is, it's made me see us in a whole new light.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, when you said your dream scenario is to open up your own private investigation agency We'd do it as a team.
Yeah, I heard you the first time.
I'm sorry, but I just don't see myself there.
For what it's worth, I loved all two weeks of this.
Me too.
And I'm glad we got out while it's good.
All right, come on.
We're back from commercials.
[Singsong voice.]
Time for Round Three! Rory, some good news.
We're gonna skip Round Three.
Mark and I decided to stop seeing each other, so All thanks to "Scenarios!" Yeah.
It's a great game, Rory.
Thanks.
Okay.
That's our show.
Guests of "Scenarios!" get to stay at the world-famous Century Plaza Hotel.
Is this part of Round Three? I don't think so.
Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here? Will? All right, Jackie, the person who was supposed to deliver your groceries tonight is me.
I'm Britney45.
Wait, seriously? No! No, Will was just helping a friend in need.
Me.
I am Britney45.
That's right, 44 other Britneys joined Beck+Call before me.
Look, I have no idea what's happening, but I have a party downstairs, and I Look, I'm Britney45! And I did a garbage job with your groceries! [Sighs.]
Thank you, guys, but I-I gotta own this.
Jackie, I moonlight as a grocery delivery person.
Things aren't easy.
Money is tight as is, and then the class trip comes up, and there's always some new thing to pay for.
[Sighs.]
I'm at a low-level freak out at all times.
So, you know, if you want to give me zero stars, go right ahead.
I deal with harder crap every day.
Oh, Angie.
I hear you.
Yeah, it may seem like I have the perfect life and I have the perfect house, but there's a reason I started Jackie Has a Business, LLC.
Financially, things with Jared and me aren't great.
Oh.
I I had no idea.
You really get it.
"Gotham" isn't syndicating well in South America.
I might have to let go of my Social Media Assistant.
Yeah, no, no, that's Your thing is different.
No, we're in the exact same boat.
I'm giving you five stars.
No, I don't want your pity stars, okay? - Psh.
- You can give me four stars.
If you could avoid saying that I threw your food in the bushes, that'd be great.
You threw my food in the bushes? Three stars is fine.
BIG RED: No woman can resist a plush animal.
I got six in my car rear window right now.
Now get out of here, you handsome little devil.
Wai Wai Ba Hold on.
God, kids are nasty.
- Pecan? - No.
- Caramel? - No.
- Cherry cordial? - Come to Mama.
[Knock on door.]
- Douglas, right? - Yeah.
And this is Emma or Amy.
That's a boy, Phil.
Would it be possible for him to talk to Louisa, please? Sure.
Um, she's in her rocking chair.
What if she doesn't like my Valentine? Well, you see, that doesn't matter, because she likes you.
And if you start to panic, just tell her [Whispering.]
Greetings.
I'll leave you to it.
Louisa, you're a 10.
If you're up for it, I know a great place for a steak.
If you're a vegetarian, there's a salad bar.
Ranch dressing as thick as wet concrete.
So be mine, you gorgeous dame.
Glory be.
Whoa.
Sounds like someone I know.
Oh, I might've given him a line or two, but I'm saving my best stuff for you.
[Door closes.]
I have a girlfriend! [Cheering, squealing.]
Ror? Hello? Who's there? What did I tell you last week? [Sighs.]
No sleep mask while Mom is talking.
Mm-hmm.
Baby, I'm confused.
Were you rooting for me and Mark to be together? I mean, no, I set out to destroy your relationship, but [Sighs.]
then I started having fun with you guys, and I secretly was hoping for it to work out.
You deserve to find love, Mom.
I will.
And hey, now that we have "Scenarios!", I might find somebody sooner.
But today, will you be my Valentine? I'd love to.
But we should play "Scenarios!" just to make sure it's right.
Okay, Rory Denzel Banks, I'm not playing "Scenarios!" again today.
Look, when I headed out tonight, I didn't care who I made it with.
I got in my car, and I drove to the house of the first man I could think of.
His wife was home, so then I tried you.
An honor.
But when I saw you help out that little rat, something shifted.
And then that business on the porch.
Doc, I was a puddle.
I wanna make love to you.
Then it's settled.
- But not tonight.
- Not tonight.
I want to slow things down, make it special.
I want a romance with the simmering heat of a four-day/three-night to Ensenada.
So, are you willing to wait? For you? Always.
I mean, why do it tonight? Valentine's Day is for dopes, huh? - [Chuckles.]
- [Glasses clink.]
I'll call you tomorrow.
Mnh.
I leave in the A.
M.
for a six-month cruise to the Panama Canal.
Half off.
You don't say no to that.
I would.
Douglas, I can't sleep.
Looks like you got your hands full.
I'm gonna go home and finish a hoagie I got in my fridge.
- W W - Mwah.
Call me.
God, you're so little.
[Both sigh.]
[Door closes.]
I'm feeling something.
I think it's jealousy? I I like Graham.
Everybody likes Graham.
[Chuckling.]
He's a lovable sad sack.
No.
I think I like like Graham.
How are you kids so emotionally available? When I was seven, I had a job.
[Gearshift clicks.]
Thanks for dropping me, you guys.
I really hope he's still awake.
Please say hello to Owen for us.
But time it in a way it's not weird.
Like before the sex or way, way after! - You feel me? [Chuckles.]
- Okay, I got it.
- Okay.
- Thanks for tonight, guys.
Really.
This was not normal.
[Laughter.]
I guess now that you've seen me as a loser delivery person, you probably look at me differently.
Yeah.
I think that you're pretty remarkable.
Oh, my God, you're such a dork.
- [Chuckles.]
- You're welcome.
Happy Palentine's Day.
- Thank you! Good night! - Bye, pal! Have fun! We'll make sure you get in safe! Palentine's Day isn't officially over.
Yeah, it is.
It's almost midnight.
- Not in Hawaii.
- You're taking me to Hawaii?! - No, that's not logical.
- Oh But there's still time to do this right.
Oh To the beat of the rhythm of the night Dance until the morning light Forget about the worries on your mind You can leave them all behind To the beat of the rhythm of the night Oh, the rhythm of the night Oh, oh Sorry, miss.
Mmm.
Pasta.
Sorry.