Single Parents (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

Derek Sucks

1 Sea Castle of Majken the Mermaid? - It's a Swedish toy.
- Mm.
I went to IKEA for the meatballs, and here we are.
The most important rule of assembling toys is relax.
Just enjoy this lavender chamomile tea.
You guys! Aah! Whoa! Pizza in the morning! Sick save.
Are you okay? Are you being chased? Do you guys remember Derek? Absent father of my child? Deputy Manager of Ratso's? Yeah, Angie, we know Derek.
- I don't really know him.
- Okay, here.
This This is Derek.
Whoa, dang! He's a babe.
Is he? I don't see it.
So, I wrote Derek an epic e-mail.
You might remember.
And he never responded.
And then this morning, he responded in person.
At my house.
He's here? What did you do? The The only thing I could.
I told him I had to go to the spaghetti store, then drove to a church, lit a candle, drove a few more hours until I ran out of gas, jogged two miles, and now I'm here.
- So, is Derek in your house now? - No.
I put him outside like a dog outside Von's.
Can you believe this? Who comes to your house and knocks on your door? Hold up! Will, Angie got mailmanned! - Oh, snap! She did! - Oh, snap! - Yo, bring it in! - Bring it in! It's such a thing now! Are you guys seriously hugging over mailmanning? I need your help.
Oh, I wish we could, but we have to relaxingly assemble this elaborate toy.
We're in.
We're in.
We We were We were always in.
The deed is done.
Poppy Banks, your Saturday night sleepover has been transferred to Phil, father of Louisa, a child I don't enjoy.
So, we finally get a night alone.
Oh, I am so ready.
I am taking all my meds, - and I am Nordic Tracking my ass off! - Yes! I've never been on a date with you where you didn't have a heart attack.
You're gonna love it.
Tony is enacting the red carpet protocol.
And I hired a neighbor girl who's gonna sing emotional songs at us through a window.
So get ready for the most romantic low-sodium night of your life.
Ooh! Gentlemen, the goal is simple.
I need you to help me get rid of Derek.
- Are Super Soakers fair game? - Same question.
Only if necessary.
Now, I need to clearly tell him, "Listen up! You have no right to be here.
Go back to Barstow.
" And that would be easy if it weren't for the urges.
- Hmm.
Not loving that.
- Mm-hmm.
Go on.
My brain knows Derek is not a good guy, okay? But then he starts to play his guitar.
And my brain short-circuits and I can't trust my instincts and then my body wants to throw his body on top of my bed.
- We don't need details.
- Sideways, right? Are you throwing him sideways in this fantasy? I can do anything.
I'm in control here.
- Angie.
- What? This guy abandoned you, and you're still attracted to him? Yeah, bro.
I didn't say it made sense! So, you want us to be a-a sex buffer? Buffer, lifeguard, loyal dog, pastor whatever gets you there.
But I have to warn you when we're out there in the field, you won't be dealing with me.
You will be dealing with Future Angie.
And Future Angie wants to bone.
Future Angie is an irascible ho.
Can you contain her? - Absolutely, yes.
- By Super Soaker, if necessary! Should we make it official? Blood pact? Uh, how about a three-way handshake? Lamer, but okay.
- One, two, three.
- Three.
- Ow.
Okay, you know what? - Ow.
That hurt my nail.
We'll get it when we get there.
Let's move.
Thanks for the night hats, Louisa.
You all look wonderful.
And there's more good news.
Father said tomorrow, we can have oranges.
This is Owl.
You're all invited to watch him hunt mice in the yard.
Come, Louisa, it's time for the feeding.
Yes, Father.
Wasn't your mom supposed to do the sleepover tonight? Yeah, Poppy was supposed to make us watch "The Goonies.
" It's not like her to cancel.
Our dad was weird tonight, too.
Girls, wake up! Our parents are up to something, and they're keeping it from us! The nerve.
Uh, guys? We have a bigger problem.
This owl is a maniac.
Oh, my night of network stars! Yoo-hoo.
Owl grows impatient.
No matter what happens, we stick together.
United we stand.
Divided we fall.
And we are not doing that.
Okay, girls.
We're outta here.
Our parents are hiding a secret from us, and we are gonna figure out what it is.
We can't leave Sophie and Graham.
You mean our "friends" who went to a summer camp where Lance Bass taught them Broadway choreography and never asked if we wanted to go? I am not losing sleep over this one.
So? So.
So, is it weird that they're here? Oh.
That's just Will and Miggy.
Is Will, like, your boyfriend? What? No.
I mean, I'm sure he would make a good boyfriend.
- Yes, I would.
- Yeah.
Not I'm not saying I want to be her b - I have a girlfriend already.
- No.
- He has a girlfriend.
- But Yeah.
And he hangs out with her all the time, and There's an intimacy, but that's just 'cause we pair - we share parenting struggles.
- Yeah, like It's, like, a love like, a mutual, like, friend love - where I count on him, he counts on me.
- So it's There's love.
It's friend love.
- We watch each other's kids.
- Friend love.
Angie, I am so glad you're not seeing him, okay? He has rage issues.
He attacked me in my place of work, in my drive-thru.
Oh, my God.
- Is this Graham's? - Give me that.
You don't deserve to know anything about this lion.
Not that his name is Mr.
Roar or that Graham's had him since birth or that his first name is Shaq.
No questions! Got it.
Angie, come to the corner! Uh Excuse me.
I'm going to the corner.
You guys, I know what I want to say, but I keep losing it.
It's like I need a script or something.
Oh, hey, what about your epic e-mail? Yes! I'm gonna go print it.
No, Angie.
You cannot use that printer.
Okay, my printer is good.
You're a tech snob.
Best 20 bucks I ever spent.
Smells like burning.
It's fine.
Si lo so che non c'è luce In una stanza quando manca il sole - Se non ci sei - She's excellent! - Tu con me - Think we can turn down the volume?! Con me Su le finestre That'll be all for tonight, Tony.
You can go to your karate class.
I'm nervous.
Just all the build-up.
Oh, God! - Is it your heart? - No.
If we can see them, they can see us, right? Uh-huh.
This is a disaster.
Just scanning for salient points.
I came here to say I'm sorry, Angie.
What I did is unforgivable.
There's no excuse whatsoever.
But just so you know, I was in a really bad place that summer.
Train had just stolen "Hey, Soul Sister" from me and ruined it.
The Tea Party was gaining momentum.
And I was sniffing a lot of markers.
I remember.
The tip of your nose was always just a little blue.
In all these years, I wanted to find you, but too much time had passed.
And then there you were in my Ratso's.
And then I got your e-mail, and it was so long and graphic in terms of what I can do to my own ass.
But also so raw and beautiful and just real, like you.
Anyway, I'm sorry I barged in.
I just felt like I needed to make a grand gesture.
So I wrote you a song.
You can go now.
What?! Absolutely not! Angie, you are too emotional to think.
You can't talk to her like that.
- She asked me to say this.
- No, I didn't.
- What?! Don't believe her.
- I think we need to believe women.
Yeah, I agree.
It's 2019.
This is why women need male allies.
- Right? Yeah.
- I am an ally! I am the father of a daughter.
- Wow! - Oh, this is sad, man.
Like, I'm so embarrassed for you.
She's asking you to leave.
Miggy, come with me.
I'm leaving with him, but I don't support his beliefs.
Okay, Miggy.
There is no way that that man wrote "Hey, Soul Sister.
" Just one song, okay? Then you leave.
You know, there's a lot more to that song than just the first chord.
- Do you want to hear the rest? - No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So, the next step is to open this bag of 38 wooden screws.
All right.
Ohh! That's gonna be a setback.
Mm! How could you guys?! Shishitos for the table! Whoa! There's screws all over your floors.
How could you leave me like that?! Because you threw us under the bus - and then literally pushed us out.
- Yeah.
Good reason.
I'm gonna go shame spiral in your castle.
It's not done yet, but okay.
I warned you.
Future Angie is an animal.
She gets what she wants.
Please tell me that Derek is back in Barstow now.
I put him outside again.
Maybe I should just date him until he leaves me again.
Is that bad? Yes! Come on, Angie! You just need to remember all the ways that Derek sucks.
For example, he works at a Ratso's, and he's not even the manager.
And I bet in some lights, he doesn't look as hot as in other lights.
A-And he he only cares about himself and his precious guitar.
You know, the day that he left me at the bus station, he had two tickets for him and his guitar.
True story.
The guitar had a window seat while I was left stranded in a parking lot, pregnant with his kid.
Because Derek friggin' sucks! You know what? I am gonna go over there, and I'm gonna tell him that he needs to leave.
And thanks to you guys, I can do it on my own.
I believe in you.
Keep your paws off our food.
They better not eat that salmon.
Tony had to get up at the crack of dawn to catch that fish.
Okay, look, they're onto us, all right? I think the only choice we have is to come clean.
Good plan.
Small tweak we lie.
No way.
I'm not lying.
Okay, alternate plan.
I-I throw a ball into a closet.
They chase it, we lock the closet, finish our salmon, and then we worry about it on the "B" side.
Hey! You two aren't the only ones who can whisper.
We just figured out what's going on.
- We're not stupid.
- It's pretty obvious.
The fancy clothes, the ambiance.
You're doing a test run for the surprise inaugural ball you're planning for me as class president.
Oh, honey, what we're Yes, Rory! That's exactly it! Oh, yes! - Yes! Yes! Yes! - Party! Yeah! Derek, you have no right to be here.
And Do you want to maybe turn that off? I-I-I can't.
It has to finish everything in the queue, or it's a whole thing.
Look, I don't want you to think that I came here to sleep with you, even though what we did was sacred and true.
I came here to apologize.
And I've thought about this moment so many times, but I didn't really think about what it would feel like to be here.
Like, this is where my son lives.
That's his sock.
This is his spelling homework, and it's all wrong.
Angie, I can't spell, either.
I sometimes put a "C" in my name for no reason.
I feel like Graham would get that.
Do you think maybe I could meet him? No! Are you kidding?! You disappeared for nine years without a word! And, yeah, you're acting all sweet and sexy and hot right now, but my number-one job as a parent is to keep Graham safe, and you are not a safe person.
You are a fire.
No, like, a real fire! It's fine.
It's done this before.
Don't worry.
It's not fine! Now, if we add a cape, I think that will achieve that "wow" factor you're looking for.
I hear you.
Let's talk music.
I got a contact for Shania Twain.
Ah! I like it.
Poppy, what do you think? Uh, what about just a fun playlist and a Bluetooth speaker? - Eesh! - Oh, boy.
This is Rory's inauguration.
Think big.
I'm gonna take a water break.
I'm gonna need you to take a lead on this one.
Poppy's ideas are frankly basic.
That wasn't water.
I know.
Uh, look, I'm sorry.
I don't want to lie to my son.
What would you even tell him? We're 45 minutes into our first date.
I think we deserve a chance to figure it out on our own before letting it be controlled by some kid.
Some kid? Uh, uh, look, I don't think kids should be a part of this.
We're parents, Douglas.
Kids are a part of this.
Call me when you get that.
Rory, let's go.
- What? You're leaving? - Yeah.
I'm gonna go have movie night with some kid.
So, how ya doin'? My house and all my possessions are burning down, so bad.
Really bad.
I can't let it burn.
I'll be back! Hey, where are you go What are you doing?! Are you seriously risking your life to save a guitar?! Of course you are! Angie.
Oh, my God.
Did the sexual tension literally explode? Derek is inside trying to save his guitar! Oh, my God.
Don't worry.
He's safe.
I guess in this moment, - I see how he's good-looking.
- Thank you.
First you gotta do the Truffle Shuffle.
Come on! - The fat kid's name is Chunk? - Do it.
How does that possibly hold up in these body-positive times? Yeah, it doesn't.
But there's a pirate.
So, I'm in my comfy pants and ready to dish on that fight with Douglas.
How can you two plan a ball together? You have literally nothing in common.
You'd be surprised.
I mean, sometimes we have fun together.
Really? Spill that tea.
The drama is in the details.
Okay, you do realize that I don't have to tell you everything, right? Ooh! It's my event planner.
Ellen! You can't call me from the "L" train, sweetie.
I can't hear you.
I was I can't.
I really can't.
Hi, there.
We heard you were having a movie night and wanted to join me and the kids, if it's not too late.
It's not too late.
Bro, this is bad.
So heartbreaking.
- Oh, God.
- Do you think Angie thought to get renter's insurance? - Angie! - Hey! What's up, girl? Well, Derek is out there giving his demo to the paramedics, as if they haven't been through enough.
Hey, hey, hey.
I downloaded it, and it's friggin' tight.
They're gonna love it.
This place doesn't look that bad, right? Totally.
Just looks burnt.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was gonna find a better word.
Well, the printer doesn't have a scratch.
- It's a miracle.
- Angie.
- Promise me you'll throw that printer out.
- I can't.
I just can't.
I'm really glad you guys were here.
Wait, why were you here? Oh, Will decided that we should follow you back home to help you handle Derek.
Oh, so, when you said you believed in me - He didn't.
- Dude, what are you doing? Dude, you just you literally said, "We need to help her, but we can't tell her that we didn't believe in" - Oh! - Okay, for the record, I was kicking him out when the fire started.
But then he saved Mr.
What am I supposed to do with that? You know, as hard as the last nine years have been, one thing has always been clear Graham's dad was a bad guy.
But if Derek's even a little bit good, I I don't know, i-it feels wrong keeping Graham away from him.
Now I don't know what to do.
Does that make sense? It does.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, you know how I feel about Derek.
I think that the guy's a tool who is unworthy of you.
But when it comes to Graham, you can trust your instincts.
Thank you.
Three-way handshake? One, two, three! Fire! Huh? Why would you say that? - Like, literally anything but that.
- Oh.
For me Is good, is good enough I'm sorry I was so incessant about lying.
It's my main move as a parent and a doctor.
And a taxpayer.
That's okay.
I know you were just trying to protect whatever it is we're doing.
Maybe this is what it is.
I like this.
You know, romance doesn't have to be hot towels and teenage mezzo-sopranos and wine.
Uh, we can still have wine.
Bus 425 with service Sorry about your guitar.
Are you gonna be okay? Yeah.
I've survived worse.
You mean me, right? Yeah, I thought that was pretty clear.
Sorry, I'm not really good with subtext.
- It's okay.
- For what it's worth, I think I'm starting to get it the parent thing.
When I ran into that fire, all I could think about was Graham.
Is that what it's like? You just think about him all the time? Yeah.
Well, give me a ring if you're ever in my drive-thru again.
I get 15% off the "Get Skinny" menu, but don't come at breakfast.
It's too crazy.
I'm not ready for you to meet Graham.
But after tonight I'm okay with you getting to know about him.
Oh, my God, are these? He's so little.
Well, he'll age as the album goes on.
He's shirtless in his kindergarten photo.
His idea.
Thank you.
I guess these guys are gonna be part of all of our interactions? For the foreseeable future, yeah.
Well, if you come back to Ratso's, you can only bring Miggy.
- Will's banned.
- Worth it.
Ratso's employees have to take a self-defense course because of you, dude.
Oh, no.
You had to take a course? I can't wait to read that chapter in your memoir.
Okay, have fun underestimating women.
What did you say to me?! What did you Come say that to my face, bro! - I will destroy you! - I think you're great! And by the way, in high school, I started a Boy Feminist Club, and our slogan was, "Y Y Y? Because we care"! It was a chromosome joke! And every night I go to sleep in a Nasty Girl shirt, so eat that, you bus rider! - Are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm a feminist.
I believe you.