Single Parents (2018) s02e07 Episode Script

Xander & Camille

1 - Dude.
- Dude.
- We are out.
- We are out, and it is nighttime.
No wine.
Wine is work.
I'm drinking cocktails, and I'm gonna get looped.
- Let's get looped! - Looped! - [Cellphone vibrating.]
- Mm.
Don't try to hide it.
You are texting your boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
He's so cute.
He sent me a pic of him and the girls.
Douglas acts tough, but he's a straight-up undercover sweetheart.
He's a good dad, which I gotta say, I find incredibly attractive, - and I behave accordingly with my body.
- Mm.
Real good stuff.
Real good barf town stuff.
I'm sorry, but you're in a relationship, and I haven't touched butts with a dude that isn't Graham's dad in forever.
So, you know, guess I'll never meet anyone and I'll die alone.
Should we split a crab claw? Ang, you're gonna meet someone.
And you could have any man out there - who's open to hetero sex.
- I have tried, okay? I am on all of the apps.
They're a nightmare.
The number of ways we are allowing the name Brian to be spelled - is out of control.
- Okay.
Ang, you got to be positive and believe that people can surprise you.
What if hear me out try being someone else tonight.
Have a no-strings, random hookup where you basically play a character.
- You know what? - Huh? Listen to me.
See my face.
Hear my words.
I am in! My girl.
- Yes.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Let's see what we got.
- Okay.
Okay, I could do that for one night.
So could I is what I would say if I weren't in this committed relationship.
So, you go.
Be an upbeat, fun, positive person.
- Fun, upbeat, positive person.
- Fun, upbeat, positive person.
- Fun, upbeat, positive person.
- Fun, upbeat, positive person.
That seat's taken.
By you.
That is - That is good.
- Yeah.
Too good.
I'm Camille.
I'm a people person.
Work with people.
As a flight attendant.
Well, you've got my tray table in the upright position.
[Laughs uncomfortably.]
[Sighs heavily.]
Well, I'm Xander with an "X," like "xylophone," which I actually play well.
- Just a second.
- Oh.
He told me he plays Xylophone! [Sighs.]
Xylophone? Wow.
Beautiful instrument.
Love to see it.
[Xylophone dinging loudly.]
[Inhales sharply.]
There she is! Not surprised you slept well.
That mattress is from the W Hotel collection.
Not cheap.
I'm just gonna hop into my deluge shower, and then maybe we'll grab some yum-yums? Ohh.
Yeah, you know what? I am so bummed, but I have a flight.
Yeah, no, I get it.
I fly to Vegas 40 times a year.
Uh, so, why don't you just write down your didgies, and we'll, uh, find another time to roll out of bed together.
[Xylophone key dings.]
Mostly fives and a couple other numbers - [Shower running.]
- Nee-nah, nee-nah Whoa.
Douglas? That's weird.
Xander Fogerty? No.
Who are you, dude? Ugh.
Ugh! [Gasps.]
[Exhales sharply.]
I hooked up with Douglas' son! [Both scream.]
02x07 - Xander & Camille Uch! I cannot have hooked up with Douglas' son.
It's too genetically close to hooking up with Douglas.
- Excuse me? - Oh, sorry.
I'm so happy for you guys.
I mean, what kind of undercover sweetheart has a secret son? [Laughing.]
I mean, I need a drink.
Or food.
Or a swim.
- What time is it? I'm all turned around.
- You know what? - What? - We're being crazy.
Our lives aren't exciting enough for this kind of drama.
Xander probably isn't even his son.
That photo could have been one of those Big Brother-Little Brother situations.
There's a logical explanation.
- Let's Let's just go talk to Douglas - [Exhales heavily.]
- get some peace of mind.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I have a son.
So what? I have to shower hard.
Wha All right, I gotta scoot to work.
We got a big heat wave coming in.
You know, normally we only name storms, but I'm thinking about giving this guy a name "Heatwave Harry.
" Too cute? How about "Heatwave Miggy"? [Both laugh.]
How about we leave this to the pros, okay? - Okay.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Plaza Pizza.
- Vitelli's.
[Breathing heavily.]
Sorry, guys.
This is 248 South.
The halfway house is 248 North.
P-i-z-z-a Which slice will be most nice today? - Pizza - [Rhythmic clapping.]
- Hot pizza - [Rhythmic clapping.]
- Those are for us.
- Hello.
Thank you, gentlemen.
We tipped on the app.
Uh, what's going on? We're having a pizza tasting! And how did you children order the pizza? - With the Internet.
- And Miggy's credit card.
- Miggy! - MIGGY: Yo? Pepperoni? You gave them your credit card? What? Nah.
They stole it.
Yeah, they always pull pranks like this when I babysit.
They take my credit card, order stuff online, and throw pepperoni at my butt.
It's our thing.
It shouldn't be your thing.
Those kids need to be punished, okay? Jack is gonna get bigger, and you need to learn how to discipline.
Oh, yeah, see, I'm no I'm not really huge into discipline.
My approach is more improvisational.
I keep it light and unexpected, like jazz.
- Jazz? - Yeah, jazz.
Like, skibbee-doo-wop, boopity-boop-boop.
I know what jazz is, even though that was an insane example.
Jazz is more like Free-dip, free-dip, bop-bah, boo-doo-doo Boop-boop-boop, bah-doo-doop, whoa-ahp - That was excellent.
- I know.
Miggy, discipline has to be direct and precise, like a marching band, right? Pom-pom, pom-pom Watch.
- I'll take that - Hey! - and that - Dad! - and that.
- My Candy Crush! You were disrespectful to Miggy.
Now this is happening.
What are we supposed to do now? - Go play outside.
- GRAHAM: Outside? Outside of what?! See? Easy.
And fun.
How do you have a son I don't know about? DOUGLAS: Easy.
I don't speak to him.
But he's your son.
Well, genetically we share some things, sure you know, full head of hair, good wingspan, Broadway thighs - but that's where it ends.
- No.
I-I have a million questions.
Were Were you and his mom married? Very briefly.
She was legal counsel for a chewing-tobacco company.
Now, the divorce was amicable, but brutal for sport.
Look, Pop, I don't want to talk about Xander, okay? It was an incident a long time ago very painful.
No, Douglas.
You don't get to ignore your own kid.
You You gotta fix this.
Look, I'm done trying to mend fences.
We're estranged, okay? It's a shame, but that's that.
- Yeah, but, Douglas, you - No, no, no.
No "but" except for your butt, which I like very much.
They're too quiet, man.
- [Ball thuds.]
- Everything's fine.
The marching-band approach works.
See? They're learning their lesson and having a ball.
"Ball" because they're playing with a ball.
Uh, yeah, I-I got it, yeah.
This is insane.
What is this, 1931? [Insect buzzes.]
A dragonfly just buzzed by my head.
Are we even safe? Those dumb micks are gonna pay.
- Whoa! - Okay.
My Sicilian blood is on fire.
Oh, snap.
Someone just got interesting.
That iPad isn't just Candy Crush and "Dinotrux.
" It's how I say good night to my mom at sleepovers.
When you come for my family, I put your Irish bodies in the ground.
Look, I gotta scoot to work.
You'll be fine.
Just stick to the discipline plan.
Remember pom-pom! They're just kids.
- Aah.
- Just you now, huh? Yeah.
Hey, did you girls rent a backhoe? Because they need you to sign for it.
Hello, Dad.
What did you do? Place looks good, Dad.
Let me know if you want to modernize.
I can give you the name of my decorator.
She did my place in Glendale.
Up and coming.
Oh, no, Glendale has arrived.
It has long since arrived.
Must be nice being so close to Azusa.
Gets hot out there.
Got a pool? [Scoffs.]
Yeah, I got a pool.
It's a community pool, but you can reserve it for birthdays and special occasions.
I got it next Wednesday morning.
Oh, what fun! Yeah, whether private or community times.
Oh, my God, what a shower.
I got in there, y'all.
- Camille.
- Yeah.
What are you doing at my dad's house? What strange treat is this? Um Xander.
- I guess you guys know each other.
- Yeah.
I, uh, broke down on my way to the airport, and then I asked this man standing right here if I could use his phone and then his shower.
- [Blows raspberries.]
- Oh.
And then now you're here, and it just It's fate? Oh, I believe in fate.
Dad, I'd like to introduce you to a special new friend of mine.
- This is Camille.
- Hey.
Well, what a pleasure to meet you, Camille.
S-So, you two are, uh [Chuckles.]
What's so funny? You heartless mountain! You just can't stand to see me happy! Oh, Xander, no.
[Door opens and closes.]
You slept with my son, and you used a fake name? Oh, this is my Christmas, my dumb, beautiful Christmas.
Okay, look, bringing Xander here isn't going as smoothly as I thought.
Oh, I-I think it's getting better.
But we can work through this, okay? Uh Angie, can you go talk to him? He'll listen to Camille.
But Camille was supposed to be for one night only, like a tank top from Forever 21.
I'm not sure I can keep up all that positivity.
Come on, Ang.
We have sons.
Can you imagine them not talking to us? It breaks my heart.
What's in it for me? - Whatever you want.
- Sour Patch Kids.
- Done.
- Man! I answered too fast.
Should have asked for a lot more.
- Okay.
Here I go.
- Okay.
- TRACY: Hey.
- Hi.
You ready? This heat wave is bad.
It's a real nasty one.
Yeah, it's super hot and nasty.
I'm sorry.
Are we flirting? It's hard to tell.
- Weather's so inherently sexual.
- I was not.
We are supposed to be professional.
This is bad behavior.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean No, I was I was flirting that time.
- With the bad behavior.
- The bad I was Yeah.
- And I couldn't even - I was I was riffing on the bad - Hard to get that rhythm.
- I know.
I - Okay.
Start over? - Okay.
Let's do.
- Okay.
- [Cellphone vibrating.]
- It's not working.
- Oh.
Thank God.
Will! Help! They They They trapped me.
They caged me like a damn dog.
Oh, dip.
Miggy's hat.
[Exhales heavily.]
[Pounding on door.]
I told you they were mad about your marching-band stuff.
Will, it's dark, and I'm scared.
Have you tried the light? [Click.]
Okay, that part is better.
All right, I'm on my way.
Hey, Tracy, I am so sorry.
There's an emergency.
I have to see about a boy in a closet.
- Huh? - I'll be back for the 5:00.
Okay, you better because if you're not, our only option is McCormick, and he's having one of his "uh-oh" nights.
Why the long lens? [Laughs.]
[Birds chirping.]
Hey you.
How you doing? Mind if I come in for a landing? I'm sorry you had to see me like that.
Hey, I'm a flight attendant.
I see people at their worst.
I did Tampa to Orlando for six years.
It's just that my dad is, like, so stuck in his ways, you know? He'll never change.
I know someone like that.
My friend Angie.
Yeah, she always assumes the worst in people.
And I'm always telling her, "Angie, come on.
You got to just let people in.
You're so hot.
" But she doesn't listen.
She sounds terrible.
You play the xylophone, dude! Which is just the thing that Angie would say, just to give you an idea of how negative she is.
But, you know, she's working on it.
And And maybe your dad is, too.
You just got to be open.
You know, if he gives you his hand, sh-shake it.
Come on.
Talk to him.
I had to leave work in the middle of Heatwave Harry Or should it be Holly? Is Holly better? - I like Hank.
- You could never do my job.
You guys are in real trouble.
You can do one of three things math, push-ups, or sweeping.
- I love sweeping.
- Then you can't do that one! Now I have to text Tracy to tell her that I'm on my way.
Where's my phone? Wh Mine's gone, too.
GRAHAM: The Sicilians have an expression [Speaking Italian.]
Yo, give us our phones back Miggy.
Do not get emotional.
That's the jazz talking.
They're just trying to get a rise out of us.
All we need to do is remain calm and keep marching.
[Speaking Italian.]
Bene, bene, bene.
First of all, thank you all for coming.
You're speaking like you're addressing 100 people.
I'm only here because of the strength of this beautiful woman.
Everyone hear that? Camille is out here killing it.
I'm so proud of you right now.
Uh, let's get to the root of your estrangement.
Xander, were you in high school, dealing with new emotions? Maybe we can play some music to get you back there.
I actually have some Flo Rida on my phone.
DOUGLAS: Don't need it.
I'll never forget the day it happened.
Trump had just fired Comey.
- Wait.
What? - What? It was that recent? That's not the long-standing feud I had imagined.
Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
It was two years ago.
We had a disagreement on the golf course, and this is the first time we've seen each other since then.
A disagreement? No.
You cheated.
I was about to beat you for the first time, and you called the game off because of a a fake storm.
I saw lightning! You saw my ass! That day was as dry as a cracker! Oh, yeah, you're so sure you would have sunk that putt? He'll sink it on your grave, old man! Take it back.
Okay, guys and Camille let's move past the golf game.
Or let's move to it! Let's get to the green! Yes, let us! What a lovely day for sport! - Indeed! - No To the green! No, guys! Gu Angie.
A lot of momentum.
Angie! C-Camille! All right, you have something of ours, we have something of yours.
We can figure this out.
We're all adults here.
Totally inaccurate.
Let's do this.
Tracy's probably furious with me.
- [Cellphone vibrating.]
- GRAHAM: Oh, she is.
Based on these texts, she's steamed like a nice vongole.
What do you want? Our devices and $175,000.
Red carpet for the "Cats" premiere with transportation.
And gummy frogs.
- Oh, yeah, those are really good.
- I want those, too.
- I want those.
- Yeah.
- Oh, those are delicious.
- Right? - So good! - Oh, my God.
All right, fine! You win.
You can have 'em back.
Just give me my phone.
Devices in the center of the table on three.
One, two, three Four, five, six - Just to three.
- Okay.
And release.
[Kids sigh.]
What are you doing with my phone, ese? Chill.
The WiFi's not working.
GRAHAM: Is the Earth off its axis?! I was in the middle of buying Lizzo tickets! Jazz.
Here's the deal you will not have access to the Internet until you make up for today's bad behavior.
Each chore will yield one letter, number, or symbol of the password.
[Speaking Italian.]
Bro! We took my jazz and your marching band, and together we became - soul mates.
- Marching jazz.
Marching jazz.
That's That's what I meant.
You better pray for lightning.
You better pray I don't karate you.
Damn it.
- That made no sense.
- No, don't do that.
- It made perfect sense.
- [Sighs.]
I'll be right back.
God, this thing is out of control.
I gotta end it.
But I'm sad.
People talk about positivity feeling good, and I usually want to drown those people, but it it feels good.
Oh, you poor, sweet, emotionally stunted dumb-dumb.
You know you can still be sweet even when you're not playing a flight attendant.
It's inside you, Ang.
I don't know.
What would Camille say? She'd say [Minnesotan accent.]
"Oh, you betcha!" [Normal voice.]
I decided Camille's from Minnesota.
Oh, boy.
Okay, your nostrils are the size of pancakes.
Are you nervous? Wait a minute.
Did you actually cheat back then? DOUGLAS: Of course I did! There was no lightning.
Where are we, the Great Plains? I couldn't let my son beat me.
Douglas, why are you so competitive with him? You're not that way with the twins.
Nah, they were born better than me at most things.
Fore! You hooked it.
But not Xander.
Oh, when he was little, it was perfect.
He used to look up to me like I was a superhero.
Then he got older, and I don't know what the hell happened.
I don't know.
Maybe you were afraid he'd stop looking up to you? Well, I guess so.
I was so afraid of losing my little boy that I I actually lost him.
I screwed up, okay? And now it's just too late.
It's not too late, Douglas.
You have to tell him how you feel.
He doesn't need this stupid putt.
He needs his dad.
[Birds chirping.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Aah! God! Dad, what the hell? I thought you were a bear.
You thought a golf-course bear put his paw on you? Doesn't matter.
Look, um you don't have to do any of this, Xander, okay? You were right.
I did cheat that day.
I tried to keep you in my shadow because I liked being the big dog.
That's my problem, not yours, okay? But now you're the big dog, and I think you're I think you're doing really well.
I am doing great.
I've got a $6,500 studio apartment in a mall, just met a great girl.
Camille! By the way, we gotta talk.
Not now, though.
This is your moment.
You go.
The point is, I should have told you this a long time ago, but I'm proud of you, son.
Thanks, Dad.
That means a lot.
I'm happy to have you back in my life.
You too, Xan.
Come on.
Let's get out of here, huh? Dad, hold on.
I want to sink this putt for me.
- Go get 'em, kid.
- Thanks, Dad.
[Golf ball clatters.]
I can't believe we share DNA with that.
I'll go to my grave denying it.
ANNOUNCER: with Chet Corners.
And weather Let me know if you need any type of ranch or dipping sauce.
- Mm-hmm.
- And as you can kind of see up here, there's a low-pressure system making its way - Here you go.
- Mm.
That's gonna come all the way down the coastline, and of course just when you least expect it, we got a cold front coming through.
" - "D.
" - "D.
" that'll eventually reach Southern California.
That's of course good news for the folks in the Valley, who can finally give their AC units a break as Heatwave Howie turns west towards Maui.
For the KZOP Cooper Center, I'm Will Weather.
What'd I say? [Scoffs.]
I could do that job.