Sister Boniface Mysteries (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [bright tonal music.]
- [footsteps clomping.]
- [gentle suspenseful music.]
- [latch clicking.]
- [swanky jazz music.]
Afternoon, Sister.
Sorry to intrude.
Agents Hooper and Lang, here.
MI5.
Rather important we come inside.
Chop, chop, there's a good girl.
Please, what is this about? We know the significance of this convent.
What it contains.
I'm afraid your location's been discovered by enemies of the realm.
They're a rather uncivilised lot so time is of the essence.
They might be in the town already.
Now think, Sister, have you been approached by anyone other than us? No, we've had no other visitors.
[woman shrieks.]
- [suspenseful jazz music.]
- [footsteps clomping.]
[tense music.]
You will not succeed, Englishman.
- [gun clicking.]
- [tense jazz music.]
The meteor belongs to the Kremlin.
[tense music.]
Hmm.
- [gunshot blasting.]
- [women squealing.]
Cut! Somebody just hit that wall.
Can't of.
She just fired a blank.
No one said there would be pyrotechnics.
Oh.
[Groaning.]
Makeup? There's a slight odour of sulphur.
By the dimensions, I'd say that's a very real .
38 calibre bullet.
[tense music.]
[actress gasps.]
[gun clatters.]
[tense music continues.]
[playfully suspenseful music.]
Ah, ah, ah, ah [gentle dramatic music.]
Ah, ah, ah [gentle dramatic music.]
[gentle dramatic music continues.]
Ah, ah, ah, ah [shutter clicking.]
Let me guess.
Sam dispatched you in favour of more pressing business, which I suspect looks suspiciously like a catnap.
He said he does his best work with his eyes closed.
[Sister Boniface giggles.]
Well, fortunately my eyes were wide open, observing the filming, which has been tremendous fun, too, hasn't it, Sister Peter? Oh, it certainly has.
Only now, it does seem that the drama is unfolding off camera as much as on.
I've removed the bullet, of course.
No sign of the prop gun as yet, but the real one was aimed at our fictional hero, Rodney Hooper.
Hugo Steele.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, I say, what nice threads.
Thank you.
D.
S.
Livingstone.
May I ask who's in charge here? That will be me, Dick Lansky, producer.
And I'm the director, Ray Crawford.
To be honest, I'm glad you're here.
We thought that nun was moonlighting as a copper.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! No, I'm merely a police scientific adviser.
[Actress.]
I didn't know it was real, I swear.
You're the one who fired it? Yes.
Sergeant.
Sir.
Debra Diamond.
I'm playing Katya, one of the Russian assassins.
Excuse me.
What exactly is this programme? "Operation QT.
" - You've never seen it? - No.
Oh, it's quite, quite marvellous.
It's about MI5 secret agents Rodney Hooper and Linda Lang, valiantly fighting international espionage - and paranormal crime.
- [actor chuckles.]
Didn't think a nun would go in for that sort of thing.
Why ever not? I've not missed a single episode.
May I ask who you're playing? I am Vlad, the Russian villain.
[Sister Peter giggles.]
Head's up.
Reverend Mother wants a word, sharpish.
Can you see if you can locate the prop gun? Right.
Okay, I take it no one saw the real gun being planted? - [all murmur.]
- No.
Have there been any other incidents, anything suspicious? Two days ago, we were filming- Sorry, your name, Ms.
? Pamela Wishbone.
We were filming at QT HQ, the studio stuff in London.
A redhead nearly fell on Dick.
What? A big light from the ceiling.
And you suspect that this might've been deliberate? Of course it wasn't, it was a faulty hook light.
Complete accident.
- Sarge? - [ominous music.]
[shutter clicking.]
[ominous music continues.]
Or perhaps not.
[ominous music.]
What's this I hear about a shot being fired? I think that's just what they call it, Reverend Mother, when they film, you know, a film shoot.
I'm aware of the term, Sister Reginald.
Just because I have no interest in the television, doesn't mean I'm a complete ignoramus.
[bell tolling.]
You're awful quiet, Sister Peter.
Is there something untoward I should be informed of? No, Reverend Mother.
You better keep it that way.
You both assured me there'd be no disruption to our daily order.
If I get so much as a whiff of infraction, I'll march down there and I'll- No! Need.
There's no need to trouble yourself, Reverend Mother.
You have far more important things to do.
We'll handle it.
- [serene choral music.]
- [footsteps clomping.]
A falling light on set is one thing, but a planted, loaded gun? That's attempted murder.
- Agreed.
- Mm.
But who was the real bullet meant for? Let's consider.
The lead actor, Hugo Steele.
One might assume that he was the target given that he was shot at, but fact, it was carefully choreographed in the rehearsal, Hugo was to dive out of harm's way before the gunshot.
As you can see, the bullet passed through the chair positioned directly behind him, a chair clearly marked as the director's.
So someone wanted Ray Crawford dead.
A fair assumption.
However, complication.
The producer, Dick Lansky.
I've noticed he habitually sits in the director's chair, a clear power game between the men.
It was, in fact, Mr.
Lansky who vacated it at the last moment to get a better view.
And it was Mr.
Lansky who nearly got hit by the falling light.
Sorry, but what do you mean by a better view? There's nothing blocking the view from the chair.
Bravo, Peggy.
I'm so glad that you asked that.
So, quick show business tidbit, I am told that the optimal vantage point is as close to the camera as possible, and yet, note the unusual distance between the chair and the camera.
Someone moved it to be in line with the bullet.
Someone who had to have been at the rehearsal.
Apart from you and Sister Peter, it was a closed set.
Who could have switched the guns or moved the chair without being seen by cast or crew? Well, perhaps it was one of the cast or crew.
Well, maybe this will settle it, Sarge.
I took everyone's fingerprints and wrote down their names in full, just like you said.
I even alphabetized them.
Good work, Peggy, thank you.
Sister.
- The moment of truth.
- Yeah.
Now, the prop gun in the bin had no prints on it, it was wiped clean, but I managed to lift two distinctive thumb prints from the .
38, one large, one small.
The smaller, I presume, was Debra's.
[gentle contemplative music.]
Correct.
As for the other one.
[gentle contemplative music continues.]
I didn't plant it onset, I swear.
I didn't even know it was missing.
Someone must have stolen it.
I see.
And why should we believe you, - Mr.
Brumfield? - Because Look, I'm a TV writer.
I know all about plotting crime.
If I'd switched the guns, why would I leave my own prints all over it? I must admit, as an avid reader of whodunnits, I'd certainly have wiped the gun clean myself.
[Felix sighs.]
We have reason to believe that Mr.
Lansky was the target.
There was also an incident with a falling light.
That nearly hit me, too.
Not that anyone cares.
Interesting.
So you suspect someone wanted to kill you as well? No.
[pencil scratching.]
I don't think so.
Why? Has someone said something? No, Mr.
Brumfield.
Can you think of anyone who might want to kill Mr.
Lansky? Course I can.
He's a producer.
I just wanted to thank you for casting me, Mr.
Lansky.
[Dick.]
No need to thank me, sweetheart.
Pleasure to have you on "QT".
Sorry to interrupt.
May we have a moment, please? [sighing.]
We'll talk later, darling, yeah? She's keen.
Good little actress.
We believe the bullet that was fired today at set, it may have been meant for you.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
[Dick chuckles.]
Well, can't say I'm surprised.
This doesn't concern you? Well, like I always say, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of show business.
Oh! [Giggles.]
Could you think of anyone specific that might've had a grudge against you? A few actors I've booted off the show didn't go quietly, but actors never do anything quietly.
Could you list them for me? [Dick sighs.]
Come on, then.
[Clears throat.]
Um, yeah.
Jumped up little twerp.
Ancient history, if you ask me.
Now, if you'll, excuse me, I have a show to shoot, and we are behind schedule.
Is it just me, or are you starting to like him? [Giggles.]
I need to find out more about these three.
Oh, you know who you should ask? Jasper Berridge.
He played Professor Pringle in series one and two.
- [upbeat jazzy music.]
- [liquid bubbling.]
He always gave mind-bogglingly complex scientific explanations to Hooper and Lang.
Terrible old soak, Jasper.
Couldn't remember his own name without a prompt.
You know, he once threw a Babycham in Dick's face at the Dorchester.
[both laugh.]
What about Derek Colt? Don't tell me, I know this one.
Only appeared in one episode.
The very first, in fact.
[suspenseful jazz music.]
- [motorcycle rumbling.]
- [suspenseful jazz music.]
He played Agent Harry Stone, Hooper's former partner in MI5 before his tragic death in a motorbike crash.
Oh, she's She's very good.
Poor Derek.
He was lucky to survive that stunt.
[Sister Peter gasps.]
You mean the fireball was real? Dick never wastes a good take.
[suspenseful jazz music.]
Marigold Fritz? Four episodes, series three.
She played Pippa Davinshire, one-time love interest for Agent Hooper.
Exposed as a double agent by Agent Lang.
At first it seemed Agent Lang was just jealous, but she was proven right when- Get her off me! [actress shrieks.]
- [actress grunts.]
- [suspenseful jazz music.]
Abominable cow.
I had my neck in a brace for a week.
And after Dick fired her, she pestered him for months.
I say, you know what you should do? Have a line in the ep.
There's plenty of fake nuns so why not a real one, eh? Okay, moving on to the next scene! Assassin nuns, very good, you're done for now.
Okay, we'll do Pamela's close-up and then everybody down to the cellar for Hooper's electrocution scene.
[tense music.]
Yeah, it was good.
- [tense music continues.]
- [birds singing.]
We made some calls to Equity.
It seems Jasper Berridge died last Christmas during a pantomime.
Derek Colt became a children's entertainer called Busby the Clown.
And Marigold Fritz is currently playing Cleopatra, upstairs at the Seven Horses in Blackpool.
So, quite patently, none are in Great Slaughter, where, in any case, they'd be recognised.
Deduction, whether connected to the past or not, the culprit is presently known to everyone.
Well, whoever they are, I pray they don't strike again.
[playfully ominous music.]
Father, is that you? Father! No.
Father, is that? Father! [ominous music.]
Hello? [ominous music continues.]
[door creaking.]
- [ominous music continues.]
- Hello? [ominous music continues.]
- [Sister Peter screams.]
- [suspenseful music.]
[shutter clicking.]
Perhaps you'll let me know next time, before things escalate? But sir, I did, it was all in the report.
The one that was on your desk, with the big note that read, "Please read.
" Well, if you're gonna hide things on my desk - of all places.
- [shutter clicking.]
[Sister Boniface.]
Note the rag in his mouth to muffle his cries.
Electric bands on the temples, the current dialled all the way up to maximum.
He most likely died of a heart attack.
Looks like someone punched him here, too.
Clearly a winning personality.
Indeed.
And the presence of a dressing suggests it was sustained earlier.
Wherever it happened, it would have bled copiously.
Any thoughts on time of death? [shutter clicking.]
We'll have to wait for the pathologist, of course, but from the stages of rigour mortis, I'd say it was early in the a.
m.
Right.
- Hello.
- [tense music.]
A hairpin.
It must've fallen from the killer as they lent over him.
So it could be a woman.
Sir, they're all out there, asking questions.
I've got a fair few myself.
[gentle tense music.]
[cast murmuring.]
All right.
Hello, I'm Can everyone keep it down, please? I'm D.
I.
Gillespie.
I'm taking over this investigation.
Love the show, by the way.
Nevermind that.
Is Dick really dead? We heard he'd been tortured, naked.
Yeah, well, no, he wasn't naked, but he has been killed, and that's all I can say.
Everyone must remain on the premises.
What about the filming? Just asking.
This is an active crime scene.
That'll have to wait.
Now, did anyone see Mr.
Lansky go down into the cellar last night? Was he alone? Did anyone see or hear anything? No, we were We were all at the pub.
Dick said we could finish early.
Oh, show him the note.
Oh, yeah.
We were setting up the shoot, the last scene of the day, and I found this taped to the camera.
It had five pounds inside.
"Shoot the torture scene in the morning.
Have a drink on me.
Dick.
" Did this seem odd to anybody? Well, I thought so, but everyone just charged out.
So, except for Mr.
Lansky, was anybody else missing from the pub? We were all there, as far as I know, until closing time.
So, the killer left him handcuffed and gagged in the cellar, joined the others in the pub, and then returned later on to finish the job? That's constructing the perfect alibi.
It's rather brilliant, really.
Sam, can you confirm something for me? I hear the producer was found dead wearing nothing but ladies undergarments.
Ladies under? Where are you getting this from? No, he was fully clothed.
And before you ask, we're not ready to make a statement.
Fully clothed.
Good.
I don't much care for smut.
A showbiz murder, on the other hand, now that is two scoops with a cherry on top.
Ah, you're all heart, Ruth, but who said anything about murder? Well, you did, as good as, by not making a statement.
Sometimes I'd like to- Kiss her.
- No, what? - Oh.
No.
Don't you have some evidence to examine or something? Right, you are.
- [playful contemplative music.]
- [Sam sighs.]
He couldn't have had the good grace to die elsewhere.
What on earth happened for goodness sake? I believe it was heart failure, Reverend Mother.
Tragedy.
I'm sure you'll want us all to pray for him.
Mmm.
I'm sure this unfortunate incident will put an end to their filming, and good riddance.
[birds singing.]
Cheer up.
At least you got a souvenir.
Is that the script? May I? Thank you.
A gunshot in the show becomes real, now a torture scene.
If life is imitating art, we need to know.
- [ominous music.]
- [birds singing.]
[door clattering.]
[gentle ominous music.]
Huh.
[gentle ominous music continues.]
I think we solved the mystery of who punched Mr.
Lansky.
Aye, I thumped him, because he was fooling around with - all the girls.
- What girls? The actresses, the crew, the extras, even the ones who were dressed as nuns.
It was disgusting.
Then I saw him going off with Debra.
Now, she's a nice girl, a bit naive, so I followed them, right? Next thing I know, she's coming out his trailer in tears.
So, you punched him and realised your mistake.
He could have ended your career.
What, so you think I killed him, aye, very good.
Suppose it was me who was trying to drop lights on his bonce and all.
Listen, I wouldn't risk anyone's life and I wouldn't risk this show.
I've been on "QT" since the beginning, most of us here have.
It's a labour of love.
- [birds chirping.]
- [Ray sighs.]
Listen, all I'm saying is maybe you want to have a look at the guest artists instead of the regulars, like him, for instance.
- [Bruno laughs.]
- Nutter.
Keeps offering autographs to the fans as if he's one of the stars.
And there's the assassin nuns and Debra, even.
Oh, aye, she's all sweet, but who knows who she really is, hmm? [Sam.]
Go and see what the water works were about.
Yes, sir.
And you.
Don't leave town until I say so.
Well, why would I? I've got a show to finish.
Now listen, fella, I know you've got a job to do, but so do we.
Livelihoods depend on it, so can we please, please just get back to work? All right, but on your heads be it.
Not literally, I hope.
You heard the man! Places, everyone, please! Okay, I want to see smiles, energy, pizazz.
Dazzle me, everyone.
So, you were seen leaving Mr.
Lansky's trailer in tears.
Can you tell me what happened? Nothing happened.
I left before it could.
Ah, I see.
And was there a reason you agreed to be alone with him, Miss Diamond? I liked the movies he used to make.
That's all.
What's wrong with that? - Nothing.
- I suppose you think it's my fault he tried it on.
No, I didn't mean to [footsteps clomping.]
I'm sorry.
[tense dramatic music.]
[Sam.]
Any clues on the hairpin? More like half a clue.
Correction, more like a tenth of a clue.
A tenth of what you may well ask, well! I wish I could say.
I wish you would spit it out.
Yes, well, that's a fair point.
I'll try.
So, I found a barely detectable quantity of propylene glycol along with traces of copper and magnesium, but I can't see for certain what it is.
Perhaps some kind of industrial chemical, or it might be a component in some kind of hair product, such as hairspray.
That would certainly contain polyvinyl pyrrolidone and polyvinyl acetate, but there's no trace of that, so you see, it really is barely a clue at all.
I think I preferred the short answer.
Yes.
And from too little evidence to far too much.
So, I dusted the typewriter keys for prints and as you can imagine, there are hundreds.
We can assume that the letter firing Mr.
Crawford was the genuine article, and as for the fake note sending everyone to the pub, same typewriter, undoubtedly typed by our killer, but who was it? [perfume whooshing.]
[playfully tense music.]
Ooh.
[playfully tense music continues.]
[sighs.]
Not exactly "Citizen Kane".
True, but if Rosebud had been a glowing meteor from outer space, he would have been so much more fun.
Is there nothing at all illuminating in the script? Not really.
Some of the pages are different colours.
I don't know why.
Late amendments.
I was given a line, you see.
So, blue pages added to the existing script.
Changes before that were in pink.
But that means that torture scene, - it was added later.
- [contemplative music.]
Whose idea was that? [contemplative music continues.]
Mr.
Milton, I need to talk to you about the torture scene in "QT".
Apparently it was your suggestion.
Yeah, but it's been cut, which is a real shame.
Vlad was gonna say, "You people in the West, you're like spoiled children.
I know what it's like to suffer, I know what it's like to sacrifice.
In the KGB"- Okay, thank you, Mr.
Milton.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but Mr.
Lansky was electrocuted exactly the same way as in that scene, so forgive me if I'm a touch suspicious.
Well, that's horrible.
I asked Mr.
Lansky if I could have a bigger scene.
I didn't think it would end up killing him.
[Sobs.]
Pull yourself together, man.
Button.
Excuse me.
Sir, Miss Penny called.
She asked to see you at "The Bugle".
Right.
[playfully tense music.]
- [bell tolling.]
- [birds singing.]
[Ray.]
Is this supposed to be our meteor? Yes.
Could we please have one prop that isn't made out of bleeding egg boxes? Go! Honestly.
Well, awfully sorry to bother you, but I had a line that was cut.
As an assassin nun? No, a real one, in "QT".
Also, I'm a real one in life.
Could I please have another line? [Ray sighs.]
Could she be in this one? She could see Vlad and the assassin run past with the bomb in the briefcase.
When Hooper and Lang burst from the confessional, she could say, "They went that way!" Do you think you can remember that? Yes, yes! "They went that way!" - [giggles.]
Thank you.
- All right, very good.
Okay, people, places, please.
Now, we're running behind, so we're gonna cut the rehearsal and just go for a take.
[Crew Member.]
Run sound! Sound speed.
[Crew Member.]
Din over.
Mark it.
Scene 30, take one.
[clapperboard snaps.]
Action.
[footsteps clomping.]
-They- -What on earth's going on here? Cut! Who are you? [birds chirping.]
Nuns with guns.
Nuns with flesh on display.
I'd never seen the like.
Well, it stops now.
I won't have those people here a minute longer.
Not so easy, I'm afraid.
Permit's been signed, money's changed hands.
Well, un-change it.
What on earth would Canoness Basil say if she knew about this? She does, Reverend Mother.
Gave it her blessing, in fact.
- [gentle ominous music.]
- Her blessing? [gentle ominous music continues.]
I see.
So.
Then there's only one thing to do.
You can go now! [footsteps clomping.]
- [playfully tense music.]
- [engine revving.]
[women chattering.]
- [Sam sighs.]
- [telephone clattering.]
That was fast.
You must be desperate for a lead.
How about we skip the jesting just this once? Where's the fun in that? Well, you obviously have something, not quite enough to go to print, but enough to bargain with.
So, let's bargain.
A showbiz murder on my patch.
If I don't break it first, it looks bad.
Well, we can't have that, can we? [gentle sanguine music.]
Jean was talented by all accounts, but this was her last film.
She gave it all up to have a baby in 1940.
That kid would be about your age now, and there's definitely a resemblance.
Dick Lansky was your father, wasn't he? Did he know when he hired you? No.
What really happened in that trailer, Debra? Did you tell him who you were? I was going to, but he got the wrong idea.
- He tried to kiss me and I ran.
- [telephone ringing.]
That must've made you angry.
- Angry enough to kill him.
- Of course not! He abandoned you and your mother.
You had every reason to hate him.
Well, I didn't.
I just wanted to know my dad, but somebody killed him before I got the chance.
[Sobs.]
[gentle melancholy music.]
Here.
- [Sam sighs.]
- [ominous tonal music.]
[Agent Hooper.]
Hands in the air, Ohnsteg.
We wouldn't want you closing that and starting the timer now, would we? Step away, slowly.
That's it.
[playful tense piano music.]
- [actors grunting.]
- [playful music continues.]
- [punches thumping.]
- [actors grunting.]
[playful piano music continues.]
- [actors grunting.]
- [playful music continues.]
Nobody fights like that.
[actors grunting.]
- [playfully tense music.]
- [set piece clattering.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [bird screeching.]
Bruno! Bruno.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I think so.
[Ray.]
Oh, we should get him to hospital.
No, no, I'll be okay.
I've got a tough noggin.
What happened? Charlie, did you forget to use the sandbags? No, I didn't.
- [tense music.]
- [birds singing.]
It would appear they were moved deliberately.
[tense music continues.]
[sighing.]
If it's my job to make people cry, then it's been a productive day.
What have I missed? A falling set, which injured Mr.
Milton and almost injured Mr.
Steele.
Oh.
So, remember I rolled fringe propylene glycol - from the hairpin? - Mm.
Well, I found more of it, along with traces of alkaline phosphatase.
- [liquid splattering.]
- [contemplative music.]
Of course, amylase.
That's an enzyme.
It's aloe vera.
And what is that used for? Well, all sorts.
Skin lotion.
Cosmetics.
It's a remedy for treating burns.
Burns? [contemplative music continues.]
Derek Colt, he was on the first episode of "QT".
He got burned during a motorbike stunt.
How could he possibly be here? [playfully tense music.]
His appearance has changed.
[contemplative piano music.]
The once-handsome actor learned how to hide his terrible scars.
[contemplative piano music continues.]
He's hiding now, in plain sight, as Vlad the Villain.
Bruno Milton is Derek Colt.
[tense music.]
Sir, it doesn't make sense.
A set's just fell on him.
Why would he deliberately hurt himself? To throw us off the scent.
I only questioned him this morning.
[knocking on door.]
Bruno? [knocking on door.]
Mr.
Milton, it's the police.
Mr.
Milton? Stop.
I said stop! [suspenseful music.]
[Sam.]
Felix? [tense music.]
[both grunting.]
- [Felix gasping.]
- [suspenseful music.]
[Bruno grunts.]
- [suspenseful music.]
- [both grunting.]
[suspenseful music continues.]
- [punch thumping.]
- [Bruno grunts.]
You all right there, Felix? I'm fine.
That was a cheap shot.
- [both grunting.]
- [tense music.]
- [tense music continues.]
- [rooster cawing.]
[tense music continues.]
Three operations it took just to get my mug looking half-way normal.
I could have been the next Sean Connery if it wasn't for Dick.
Why was it his fault? I said the stunt was too dangerous.
He gave me a drink to steady my nerves.
"Go on, Derek, you'll be fine," he said.
And then, [mimics explosion blasting.]
up in smoke, just like my career.
Took him to court for loss of earnings but he stitched me up like a kipper.
Said it was my fault because I'd been drinking.
Got that writer Bernard to testify against me.
So, the light that fell? It was meant for both of them? Thought I'd try and kill two turds with one stone.
Look, we get it, they screwed you over, but why kill them after all these years? Why not move on? Move on? To what? Entertaining dribbling kids? And every week I had to listen to my mum saying how much she loves "Operation QT".
That's nice, innit? It's still her favourite show.
A villain playing a villain.
Your greatest role yet.
Pity no one will remember it.
You'll be locked away and the rest of the world will be tuning in, including your mum, to watch "Operation QT".
If you say so.
[ominous music.]
What does that mean? [ominous music continues.]
The gunshot.
The torture scene.
You're mirroring the script.
There's a bomb in the briefcase at the end.
You'd really blow everyone up? Of course I wouldn't.
Just Bernard.
- [ominous music.]
- [both shuffling.]
Bernard! We need to rewrite, quick sharp.
[Bernard snores.]
Oh, wake up, man.
Listen, Bruno's been arrested and Vlad's in this final scene.
[Bernard snores.]
Oh, what? [Bernard snores.]
[door clatters.]
[gentle serene music.]
Canoness Basil.
What brings you here? Everyone, please make way.
No need for fanfare, Sister Peter, it's not a papal visit.
Where should we stand to avoid being in the shot? Is that how they say it? Spot on, Canoness Basil, and it's quite safe to stand with us.
Oh yes, I'd like the three of you close at hand when Canoness Basil truly appreciates what's in store.
Well, surprise, surprise! Bernard's absolutely pished, again, so we're just gonna have to wing it.
Uh, Debra, we can just have Katya leave the bomb on the alter instead, and then you spot the meteor that Vlad left.
I can't resist touching it so I'm possessed with evil forces.
That's good, I like it.
Then, enter the assassin nuns who all spasm and die and then the big floating crucifix flies off the alter and kills Katya.
Yeah.
Right.
[Claps hands.]
Everybody got that? [playfully tense music.]
I most certainly did.
[playfully tense music continues.]
Is he dead? [Felix sighs.]
Sleeping pills, to keep him here.
Where's the bomb? Wait, are they still filming? - [suspenseful music.]
- [floor clattering.]
Did you imagine this unedifying spectacle would escape my notice? We just thought it was harmless.
[tense music.]
Everybody stay calm.
- I just need to check that.
- Sir, right here, right here.
That briefcase.
Good Lord.
What is it? - It's a bomb.
- A bomb? - [tense music.]
- [cast murmuring.]
Good idea.
Everybody, go outside.
Okay, Felix, we need to clear the whole convent.
We don't know how far the blast radius will be.
Okay.
[Gasping.]
We've got a minute.
I'm gonna stay with the bomb and try and disarm it.
Do you have the first idea how? [Sam grunts.]
Right.
Well, we had a lesson in bomb disposal at Bletchley.
A lesson? Well, half lesson, actually.
One of our listening stations picked up an Knickebein transmission and, right-oh.
Task at hand.
[tense music.]
Sisters, I told you to go.
Now! I don't think you realise how serious this is.
And I don't think you realise the power of prayer, Inspector.
Kept me alive in the blitz.
[tense music continues.]
Now, if memory serves, the wires are bundled together in a module and the wire to cut is usually red.
Well, they're all red and we don't have any wire cutters.
15 Seconds.
Well, you just need to yank the right one out, then.
- Right.
- So, it should be the last wire at the bottom of the bundle.
Or is it the top? Hmm, now, it's not a collapsing circuit so I just need to trace the correct wire- For the love of God, Sister, five seconds.
As I thought, the one closest to the power supply.
And out.
You.
- Come.
- [bell dings.]
- Ha.
- [Sam gasps.]
[Sam exhales.]
Right, I'll get rid of this, shall I? I would.
Yeah.
- [Sam exhales.]
- Wait! Won't they need the briefcase for the final scene? Final scene? After we all nearly lost our lives and the convent, too? Canoness Basil will not stand for it, and neither will I.
This show is utter tripe -and blasphemy- - "Operation QT" isn't blasphemous.
Sister Peter, I think we've heard quite enough from you.
Hold on, Reverend Mother.
I'd like to hear how it is not.
Because it brings millions of people - so much joy, Canoness Basil.
- [uplifting music.]
There's nothing unholy about that.
Every week, the heroes in the story fight evil and win, and isn't that what happened here today in God's house? Surely that means He gives His blessing to these good people in the practise of their art.
Art.
And, after all- Yes, all right, that'll do.
[swanky jazz music.]
I must say, I am rather curious to see a flying crucifix.
[swanky jazz music continues.]
Well, you heard the woman.
Nun.
Lady.
Canoness Basil.
[swanky jazz music continues.]
Canoness Basil.
Come on, then, let's get the cameras rolling! Mr.
Crawford.
Might Sister Peter have that line after all? With your permission, of course, Reverend Mother.
[hopeful music.]
[swanky upbeat jazz music.]
[Katya.]
The meteor is glowing.
The evil forces- Here we go, evil forces unleashed by the meteor.
- Shh, this is my bit.
- Save me! [Sister Peter.]
Please, Lord.
Save all souls from these sadistic Soviets.
Get yourself to safety, Sisters.
There's a bomb in this convent.
- [nuns laughing.]
- [Sister Boniface applauds.]
Bravo, Sister Peter, bravo! - [nuns cheering.]
- [nuns chattering.]
- [upbeat jazz music.]
- [nuns chattering.]
[upbeat jazz music.]
[playfully mischievous music.]
[serene choral music.]
[upbeat music.]
[serene choral music.]
[upbeat music.]
[serene choral music.]
[upbeat music.]