Skins s01e02 Episode Script
Cassie
Whoa Chris.
It's not true, is it? What? They're all the same size at action stations.
No Poor Chris.
Wow.
That's better Cool.
< Sami Allahu liman hamidah.
Rabbana wa lakal hamd.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Sami Allahu liman hamidah.
Rabbana wa lakal hamd.
Allahu Akbar.
< Rabbana wa lakal hamd.
Allahu Akbar.
Anwar? Yup.
What date is it? Allahu Akbar.
I think Michelle's parents are back today.
Bummer.
Do you think I should remind her? I'm trying to pray to my god here, Cass.
Oh wow Is he listening? I hope not.
Otherwise he knows about all those pills I necked last night.
Sing quietly.
Yup Allahu Akbar.
Cute.
Allahu Akbar.
Chelle Fuck off, Tone.
It's me, Cass.
Crazy bitch.
Yes.
Never fucking eats.
Right, but Michelle Your mum gets back today yeah? Tomorrow.
Today's the 13th.
Isn't it? Mmm.
Tomorrow.
Oh, hello, Cassandra Hi, Anna! Hello, um It's Malcolm.
Malcolm, yeah, wow.
How was the honeymoon? It was just wonderful, wasn't it babe? Just us and 47 Namibian nomads out there in the desert Heaven.
Cool.
We do love a nomad, don't we, babe! So have you been helping Michelle clear up? Oh, wow, totally.
I expect she told you about my important meeting today? Clients coming to look at my curtain designs.
Right, can we get in? I want some fucking Coco Pops.
Well, lovely to see you again Cassandra.
You're looking much better than the last time I saw you.
Well done.
Oh You too.
Nice to meet you again, Martin.
It's Malcolm It's Malcolm.
For fuck's sake! What's she on, hunger strike or something? Sshh! Michelle, darling, here we are, safe and sound.
Ahhhhh! What the fuck! Mum! You didn't tell me! Go go go Come on, Jal Help Go! I forgot my T-shirt.
GIGGLING Ah! Oh, oh I want to eat you, fuck bunny.
Oh Oh Oh! Whoaa! Cassie How you doing, kiddums? You had some breakfast? Oh, yeah.
Michelle's does crazy bacon, egg and sausage sandwiches.
They're mad.
There! Great! I'm going for a shower.
Little wittle!! Do you want me to feed Reuben? Oh, would you, sweetie? I've got so much I've got to do < Hey! Little wittle.
< Margie Thanks, poppet It's my final clinic day.
They'll sign me off if I've gained a half kilo.
Oh, yeah? Have you done it? Totally For sure.
Hey Hurray! < I can't find the uh stuff! < Coming! Little wittle, wittle, wittle, yeah.
OK.
Yes.
All changed and clean, yes.
Little wittle, look what we got for you.
Look.
Greedy boy Greedy boy.
MUFFLED GROANING AND BUMPING < Oh, right!! Right!! < Right a bit < Bit more MOBILE PLAYS GENTLE TUNE RHYTHMIC BUMPING AND MUFFLED SHRIEKING TEXT ALERT BEEPS GROANING AND BUMPING CONTINUE MUFFLED SIGHING Hey Kiddums! Oh, cheerful! Thanks.
I feel great, Dad.
Course you do What do you think? Oh, wow! Amazing.
Cool.
Did Reubens do his poo? Oh, Yes.
He's like all changed and asleep.
Ah, thanks, that's super! The taxi's here.
Taxi? They send it from the clinic to make sure I go.
Yes, of course.
They're signing her off, darling! Fantastic! We knew you'd make it through.
Wonderful! And don't forget to say thank you.
Oh I will totally.
Purple.
I'm thinking, purple Yes Ah yes Yes.
OK, my beautiful.
Show me the money You got enough room back there, Cassie? You wouldn't tell on me, would you, Alan? You know me, kid.
See no.
Hear no.
Speak no.
They'll sign me out if I'm half a kilo up.
Do you know what you're doing? Oh, totally I'm so fine I'll miss you, Tiny Oh, wow Yeah You too, Alan.
You gonna eat this time, Cassie? Totally.
Hey.
Don't give me the smile.
Not that smile, OK? OK, Alan.
Love you.
I love you too, Tiny Change of music? Sure.
It's my new favourite.
We're in heaven but we're living in hell They think we're in heaven but we're living in hell When will they love, only time will tell They think we're in heaven but we're living in hell (RAPS) Whoever said life's easy, well you're wrong Where I'm from so much is going on Every day the same bullshit, it's more stress It feels like I'm living in the wild, Wild West Depending on the beast where the streets is curbed If heaven is up there, this is hell on earth This is my society, sex, money and drugs So I pay in the streets, I'm like, where is the love? Was it lost somewhere, nowhere to be found While money keeps making the world go round.
I'm surrounded by bloodshed, yeah More money, more problems - that's what, big stuff We need to make a change but it will never stop They think we're in heaven but we're living in hell Can I see your pockets? 880 grams each.
Neat.
That's over one-and-a-half kilos, right? Sorted.
I need to be quick.
Christ, I wanna wizz.
Busy Wait, please.
Oh, fuck! Get out off the fucking toilet! Weight is correct.
"Demeanour Satisfactory.
"Attendance, Interaction, Compliance Yes, yes, yes.
"Mood yes" How's your mood? Oh Fantastic.
Really.
Excellent! PHONE RINGS Yes? No No I don't care who's going, Abigail.
You failed to comply with my wishes regarding parties and carpets were damaged.
Stop crying! I am not an "expletive" bitch.
I am your mother! Have you taken your medication? Well, take it now Now! So before you leave us to start your new life, it's important that you understand, um - Cassie.
- Cassie! That if you are troubled again, then you treat us as a place of safety and refuge.
We like to think of Restoration as a big family you can re-visit any time it's necessary.
Here's my card with the emergency number Calls after six are double.
We're all on your side.
Providing you have arrangements in place for the fees.
How does that sound? Lovely.
I'm so grateful, really.
Good.
Thank you, Carrie.
You may go to Group Congratulations.
Dr Stock.
Thank you so much.
APPLAUSE Well done, Cassie.
We'll miss you.
Won't we? Wow.
Thanks everyone.
Right Who's next? Madison.
Can we congratulate you? No, I'm not happy.
You! You're staring at me.
No-one's staring at you, Madison.
Are we? (Group) No No Now.
What's been troubling you? I keep telling myself that maybe I'm a bit over-sensitive, you know, and it's It's starting to work.
There's no more no more voices going, "Ba ba ba ba ba," no more voices whispering, you know, "Ba-ba" And then And then Spit it out Madison.
We're here for you, aren't we? (Group) We are Perfectly straightforward business deal, right? This kid asks me for credit terms and I'm like "trust" Yeah? Well done, Madison.
The only thing that I ask is repayment in a clearly defined schedule.
So I give him what he wants.
What did he want? Goods and services This fat fuck.
This deceiving, scheming little pluke! He thinks that he can get away with cheating me out of my money Maybe he wasn't trying to cheat you, Madison.
Oh, yeah? It's a misunderstanding.
Really? We need you to work on this, Madison.
Well, I'm working on it! I'm working on it.
Er, chips, please.
Few more.
Just a few more.
Cheers! Hi, Marnie.
What are we? Pilchard.
Cute.
What we saying? We're saying we're an oily fish, tasty and rich in healthy life-giving Omega fats.
Sodding Jamie Oliver.
Bummer.
Go on, then.
You sure? Yes, why not, I'm into long life.
Cheers, Marnie.
See you later.
Smart-arsed blonde fucker.
All right.
- All right, Sidie boy.
- Kiss me, you fool! Yeah, white boy!! Wha gwan.
Rrraas! You get me!? Dis blood him lubed up, man! White boy got bear shit on him forehead and ting! What's the frequency, Kenneth? Sorry.
Got a bit carried away there.
I think you did, man.
Oh, do stop it, OK? It's not funny.
Can I sit here? Yeah, sure, go for it.
Oh, cool.
So nice of you.
You been home, Sid? No, came straight from Michelle's.
You left before her mum called the police? Yeah.
Went a bit wrong.
Then Tony had to go and Jujitsu Mr Michelle's cos Well, because he's a total fucking wanker really.
You love Tony.
Pardon? I said, you love Tony.
You always talk about him.
Do I? I mean, it's cool you've got someone to look up to.
Oh, it was fun.
Throwing all that food around.
Just like, throwing it everywhere.
Wow.
Wow! Whoa.
You must be hungry.
Yeah.
Bit of a hangover and Yeah.
There.
Go on then.
You gonna eat that? Oh, totally.
I'm better now.
I'm totally better.
How do you do it? What? Come on, Cass.
I mean you never eat anything.
Your parents must notice or something.
I dunno.
I like you, Sid.
OK.
So I'm going to show you.
You have to do a lot of talking.
I'm good at talking.
You do that while you're cutting things up a lot.
Then, questions.
Where's your Student Card? Sorry? Your ID, have you got it? No I, er, lost it somewhere last week.
Change the subject.
This is great.
I love these sausages.
You should try one.
Go on.
Delicious.
Mmmm.
Hang on you didn't You're not quite sure what I'm on about but I keep distracting you.
Then I up the ante.
Yum.
I love this stuff.
Really delicious.
You're reassured I want some more and I'll keep waving it at you until you stop looking at me.
Where did you lose it? Sorry? Your ID.
I mean, they won't let you use the library, will they? God, I've gotta go.
Oh.
I'm so full.
Gotta dash.
There you go.
Job done.
That's impressive.
Cheers.
But aren't you kind of, you know, lying to everyone? I'm so better.
I got discharged from the clinic.
Seems a bit fucked up.
What? I said just seems a bit fucked up, that's all.
Oh, wow.
But you see It's like nobody's fucking business.
And it's not exactly like anybody cares, so I care.
Look.
Pilchards.
Cool.
And I got it from a fish lady.
Yeah, I wasn't so keen on them.
What you fucking talking about? Omega fats and fishy oils, they're cool.
I was just chatting to Cass, Tony.
Hey, Cass.
How's dippy world? She's better.
She just got discharged from the clinic.
Yeah, whatever.
Jesus! What? Don't you ever wash? That's like lipstick.
Yeah, man, the essence of woman.
Well, one at least.
So who's the lucky lady? That's like someone kissed me.
I can't believe you haven't washed man.
You stink! Somebody kissed me.
Well, yeah, mate, that's a total fucking operator error cos you stink.
I didn't have time.
Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am with my English coursework.
English coursework.
Oh, fuck! Sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning.
You're such a complete fucking waste of time and Ahh, shit! Wow, Tony.
Bummer.
It looks like you pissed yourself.
That's not supposed to fucking happen.
Look at Tony, man.
Ah, shit man! Raas blood white boy gone piss himself up you get me! Mandem's sick stains.
Hey, Cuz! Yo got serious stains! Him cream up his pussy good style.
I'm a bad person.
Come on! < That hurt, actually! Gotta go.
Sure you have.
Finish off the rest of my food if you want.
OK.
This guy from my group therapy's got your ID card.
And he's a crazy fuck and he hates you because you cheated him.
What's his name? He likes to be called Mad.
Twatter.
Yeah.
Totally.
What did you do? I bought some dope on the tick, and then we lost it in the harbour and Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Tony! This is a room for female staff.
Yeah.
The drier's broken in ours.
Ah, there you are.
Jesus, we're in trouble! That crazy fucking dealer found us, Tony.
Hi, Angie.
We gotta do something.
I mean, you could talk to him and Oh, fuck.
Oh, you wankers.
That was well funny, man.
But someone's gonna have to apologise cos Kenneth's crying now so Oh, Jesus Christ, Holy Mary, Mother of God! That's Angie! Don't look! Get out! For fuck's sake! Fuck off! < Sorry, Angie.
You still got it.
Get out of there and don't look at her, all right? You like me.
You like me.
Look up if you like me.
Look up if you like me.
Look up if you like me.
Oh, bugger.
Shit! Oh! Sid.
Hi.
Sorry, Angie.
You shouldn't go into the staff showers, Sid.
I know, I know.
It was a crisis.
Well, it's just a bit embarrassing that's all.
Actually, I'm pretty confident about my body No, I'm having a crisis.
Oh.
Well, sometimes adult bodies can be a little overwhelming.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Angie, I don't care about your tits! Oh.
I'm in deep, deep, deep shit.
Right.
OK.
You need advice? I need advice and 300 quid.
Otherwise someone's going to be re-possessing my bollocks.
OK, well look, when it comes to debt, the best thing to do is to face up to it before it gets out of hand.
Yeah? Yeah.
All you have to do is go to the person you owe money to and calmly ask them to reschedule the payments.
Reschedule payments? So that's one ball now and then the balance next week.
Believe me, Sid, I'm a responsible adult.
I know.
OK? Now what was it, a phone or something? Actually, Angie, it was three ounces of prime hydroponic skunk.
Shit! Yeah, shit.
Go to the police.
They'll arrest me.
Give it back.
I lost it in the harbour.
Keep your head down.
He's got my student ID card.
Right.
Right.
OK.
Basically, I'm fucked, aren't I? Yep.
Well, thanks, Angie, I feel a lot better now, yeah.
Look, give me a moment.
I'm sure I can come up with something No, sorry.
Chris.
Mm-hm.
You've come to apologise, right? Huh? To say sorry.
Oh, yes.
Erm, yes, I'm sorry.
Sorry I saw your boobs.
Sorry I saw your bum.
Erm, sorry I saw your Apology accepted, Chris.
Right.
Well, I've got work to do.
So if you're done Yeah.
Chris.
You shouldn't look at me like that.
Sorry.
It isn't appropriate.
I'm your teacher and Have you always had that mole? Um Yes.
It's lovely.
Oh, God.
PHONE BUZZES PHONE BUZZES OK, right, everybody, listen up.
I'm gonna be taking in your assignments today.
Why are you so relaxed about this? So he's got your ID Card.
So what? Um everybody? So what? He's gonna cut my fucking bollocks off! Chill out, Sid.
I'm chilled, right? Why are you so chilled? I'm confident and relaxed with my ability to improvise.
I'm going on a course for the rest of the week, and I'm not going to be here.
Also, I didn't buy the drugs.
You did.
Nice one, thanks, Tone Guys, look We've got a supply teacher coming in for next week and in fact, he's on his way up from the office now to say hello.
Everybody Look.
There's 3,000 students at this college.
He won't find you.
So if you give me your assignments, I promise that I'll have them marked for you by the Hi, can I help? Supply teacher! Oh, Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
We really appreciate the short notice.
Everybody this is Madison.
Madison Twatter.
CHUCKLING PhD.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
- You got a problem? - No, no Because, er it's been a while since I taught I just I just wanna say that it's a beautiful, beautiful thing to do.
Right.
Um Right, so you'll start next week? No.
No, I've already started.
I don't know, checking lists and things.
Checking lists? Yeah.
Who's who and what's what and blah blah.
I'm really looking forward to, er, to meeting you.
Oh, I'm beside myself with excitement.
I'm totally beside myself.
(Anwar) Sid.
Sid.
Look at me, man.
Oh, God.
What's happening for Christ sakes? His fucking dealer's a supply teacher.
Oh, God.
So? So he's gonna cut Sid's bollocks off.
(Anwar) Sid.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Sid.
Sid.
I'm going to tap you, OK? Oh, God.
Maybe a bit harder.
For Christ sakes! Right.
It's a problem but Sid's our friend and we're going to solve it, OK? Got that, Sid? We're gonna put our heads together and come up with a solution.
Sid.
We're here for you.
We're thinking of the answer right now.
Anyway, I've got sociology so em Yeah, yeah, yeah Don't we have to go over your French, yes? Yeah, we should go.
Hang on.
We're going to give this some serious thought, yeah, guys and OK? We can't just leave him like this.
We'll get back to him.
Yes, that's it.
OK? See you later, man.
We're gonna get back to you on this, Sid.
OK? Mum? This is Sid - your son.
Listen, I've got a problem.
Could you ring me back please? BEEPING Sid.
Are you OK? Bit fucked up as it goes.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
It's like totally kind what you're doing, but it won't make any difference.
Huh? The texts you're sending.
The messages What are you on about, Cass? I've got a few problems here of my own, you know? I know, but Thanks anyway, for trying.
Cassie, I haven't been sending you any messages.
I just saw you.
There aren't any messages on here.
What? There aren't any messages on your phone, Cass.
I thought I thought you liked me.
What? Nothing.
BABY CRIES Hello.
Yes, it's Cassie.
I think I need to see you again.
Hi.
Hello, kid.
What's up? I'm having a few probs.
Oh, Cassie.
I'm listening.
There's somebody I like.
I thought he was sending me a message - texts and things, but he wasn't.
What was the message? "Eat.
" Right.
It wasn't you, was it, Alan? I don't tell you what to do, Cassie.
I'm just a taxi driver.
So, like, who's telling me to eat? Who wants you to eat? You got permission.
I haven't got a knife and fork.
You don't need them.
No.
What kind of day did you have? Fine.
Have you got any more good tunes? I love you, Cass.
I love you, too, Alan.
So eat.
It's not true, is it? What? They're all the same size at action stations.
No Poor Chris.
Wow.
That's better Cool.
< Sami Allahu liman hamidah.
Rabbana wa lakal hamd.
Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar.
Sami Allahu liman hamidah.
Rabbana wa lakal hamd.
Allahu Akbar.
< Rabbana wa lakal hamd.
Allahu Akbar.
Anwar? Yup.
What date is it? Allahu Akbar.
I think Michelle's parents are back today.
Bummer.
Do you think I should remind her? I'm trying to pray to my god here, Cass.
Oh wow Is he listening? I hope not.
Otherwise he knows about all those pills I necked last night.
Sing quietly.
Yup Allahu Akbar.
Cute.
Allahu Akbar.
Chelle Fuck off, Tone.
It's me, Cass.
Crazy bitch.
Yes.
Never fucking eats.
Right, but Michelle Your mum gets back today yeah? Tomorrow.
Today's the 13th.
Isn't it? Mmm.
Tomorrow.
Oh, hello, Cassandra Hi, Anna! Hello, um It's Malcolm.
Malcolm, yeah, wow.
How was the honeymoon? It was just wonderful, wasn't it babe? Just us and 47 Namibian nomads out there in the desert Heaven.
Cool.
We do love a nomad, don't we, babe! So have you been helping Michelle clear up? Oh, wow, totally.
I expect she told you about my important meeting today? Clients coming to look at my curtain designs.
Right, can we get in? I want some fucking Coco Pops.
Well, lovely to see you again Cassandra.
You're looking much better than the last time I saw you.
Well done.
Oh You too.
Nice to meet you again, Martin.
It's Malcolm It's Malcolm.
For fuck's sake! What's she on, hunger strike or something? Sshh! Michelle, darling, here we are, safe and sound.
Ahhhhh! What the fuck! Mum! You didn't tell me! Go go go Come on, Jal Help Go! I forgot my T-shirt.
GIGGLING Ah! Oh, oh I want to eat you, fuck bunny.
Oh Oh Oh! Whoaa! Cassie How you doing, kiddums? You had some breakfast? Oh, yeah.
Michelle's does crazy bacon, egg and sausage sandwiches.
They're mad.
There! Great! I'm going for a shower.
Little wittle!! Do you want me to feed Reuben? Oh, would you, sweetie? I've got so much I've got to do < Hey! Little wittle.
< Margie Thanks, poppet It's my final clinic day.
They'll sign me off if I've gained a half kilo.
Oh, yeah? Have you done it? Totally For sure.
Hey Hurray! < I can't find the uh stuff! < Coming! Little wittle, wittle, wittle, yeah.
OK.
Yes.
All changed and clean, yes.
Little wittle, look what we got for you.
Look.
Greedy boy Greedy boy.
MUFFLED GROANING AND BUMPING < Oh, right!! Right!! < Right a bit < Bit more MOBILE PLAYS GENTLE TUNE RHYTHMIC BUMPING AND MUFFLED SHRIEKING TEXT ALERT BEEPS GROANING AND BUMPING CONTINUE MUFFLED SIGHING Hey Kiddums! Oh, cheerful! Thanks.
I feel great, Dad.
Course you do What do you think? Oh, wow! Amazing.
Cool.
Did Reubens do his poo? Oh, Yes.
He's like all changed and asleep.
Ah, thanks, that's super! The taxi's here.
Taxi? They send it from the clinic to make sure I go.
Yes, of course.
They're signing her off, darling! Fantastic! We knew you'd make it through.
Wonderful! And don't forget to say thank you.
Oh I will totally.
Purple.
I'm thinking, purple Yes Ah yes Yes.
OK, my beautiful.
Show me the money You got enough room back there, Cassie? You wouldn't tell on me, would you, Alan? You know me, kid.
See no.
Hear no.
Speak no.
They'll sign me out if I'm half a kilo up.
Do you know what you're doing? Oh, totally I'm so fine I'll miss you, Tiny Oh, wow Yeah You too, Alan.
You gonna eat this time, Cassie? Totally.
Hey.
Don't give me the smile.
Not that smile, OK? OK, Alan.
Love you.
I love you too, Tiny Change of music? Sure.
It's my new favourite.
We're in heaven but we're living in hell They think we're in heaven but we're living in hell When will they love, only time will tell They think we're in heaven but we're living in hell (RAPS) Whoever said life's easy, well you're wrong Where I'm from so much is going on Every day the same bullshit, it's more stress It feels like I'm living in the wild, Wild West Depending on the beast where the streets is curbed If heaven is up there, this is hell on earth This is my society, sex, money and drugs So I pay in the streets, I'm like, where is the love? Was it lost somewhere, nowhere to be found While money keeps making the world go round.
I'm surrounded by bloodshed, yeah More money, more problems - that's what, big stuff We need to make a change but it will never stop They think we're in heaven but we're living in hell Can I see your pockets? 880 grams each.
Neat.
That's over one-and-a-half kilos, right? Sorted.
I need to be quick.
Christ, I wanna wizz.
Busy Wait, please.
Oh, fuck! Get out off the fucking toilet! Weight is correct.
"Demeanour Satisfactory.
"Attendance, Interaction, Compliance Yes, yes, yes.
"Mood yes" How's your mood? Oh Fantastic.
Really.
Excellent! PHONE RINGS Yes? No No I don't care who's going, Abigail.
You failed to comply with my wishes regarding parties and carpets were damaged.
Stop crying! I am not an "expletive" bitch.
I am your mother! Have you taken your medication? Well, take it now Now! So before you leave us to start your new life, it's important that you understand, um - Cassie.
- Cassie! That if you are troubled again, then you treat us as a place of safety and refuge.
We like to think of Restoration as a big family you can re-visit any time it's necessary.
Here's my card with the emergency number Calls after six are double.
We're all on your side.
Providing you have arrangements in place for the fees.
How does that sound? Lovely.
I'm so grateful, really.
Good.
Thank you, Carrie.
You may go to Group Congratulations.
Dr Stock.
Thank you so much.
APPLAUSE Well done, Cassie.
We'll miss you.
Won't we? Wow.
Thanks everyone.
Right Who's next? Madison.
Can we congratulate you? No, I'm not happy.
You! You're staring at me.
No-one's staring at you, Madison.
Are we? (Group) No No Now.
What's been troubling you? I keep telling myself that maybe I'm a bit over-sensitive, you know, and it's It's starting to work.
There's no more no more voices going, "Ba ba ba ba ba," no more voices whispering, you know, "Ba-ba" And then And then Spit it out Madison.
We're here for you, aren't we? (Group) We are Perfectly straightforward business deal, right? This kid asks me for credit terms and I'm like "trust" Yeah? Well done, Madison.
The only thing that I ask is repayment in a clearly defined schedule.
So I give him what he wants.
What did he want? Goods and services This fat fuck.
This deceiving, scheming little pluke! He thinks that he can get away with cheating me out of my money Maybe he wasn't trying to cheat you, Madison.
Oh, yeah? It's a misunderstanding.
Really? We need you to work on this, Madison.
Well, I'm working on it! I'm working on it.
Er, chips, please.
Few more.
Just a few more.
Cheers! Hi, Marnie.
What are we? Pilchard.
Cute.
What we saying? We're saying we're an oily fish, tasty and rich in healthy life-giving Omega fats.
Sodding Jamie Oliver.
Bummer.
Go on, then.
You sure? Yes, why not, I'm into long life.
Cheers, Marnie.
See you later.
Smart-arsed blonde fucker.
All right.
- All right, Sidie boy.
- Kiss me, you fool! Yeah, white boy!! Wha gwan.
Rrraas! You get me!? Dis blood him lubed up, man! White boy got bear shit on him forehead and ting! What's the frequency, Kenneth? Sorry.
Got a bit carried away there.
I think you did, man.
Oh, do stop it, OK? It's not funny.
Can I sit here? Yeah, sure, go for it.
Oh, cool.
So nice of you.
You been home, Sid? No, came straight from Michelle's.
You left before her mum called the police? Yeah.
Went a bit wrong.
Then Tony had to go and Jujitsu Mr Michelle's cos Well, because he's a total fucking wanker really.
You love Tony.
Pardon? I said, you love Tony.
You always talk about him.
Do I? I mean, it's cool you've got someone to look up to.
Oh, it was fun.
Throwing all that food around.
Just like, throwing it everywhere.
Wow.
Wow! Whoa.
You must be hungry.
Yeah.
Bit of a hangover and Yeah.
There.
Go on then.
You gonna eat that? Oh, totally.
I'm better now.
I'm totally better.
How do you do it? What? Come on, Cass.
I mean you never eat anything.
Your parents must notice or something.
I dunno.
I like you, Sid.
OK.
So I'm going to show you.
You have to do a lot of talking.
I'm good at talking.
You do that while you're cutting things up a lot.
Then, questions.
Where's your Student Card? Sorry? Your ID, have you got it? No I, er, lost it somewhere last week.
Change the subject.
This is great.
I love these sausages.
You should try one.
Go on.
Delicious.
Mmmm.
Hang on you didn't You're not quite sure what I'm on about but I keep distracting you.
Then I up the ante.
Yum.
I love this stuff.
Really delicious.
You're reassured I want some more and I'll keep waving it at you until you stop looking at me.
Where did you lose it? Sorry? Your ID.
I mean, they won't let you use the library, will they? God, I've gotta go.
Oh.
I'm so full.
Gotta dash.
There you go.
Job done.
That's impressive.
Cheers.
But aren't you kind of, you know, lying to everyone? I'm so better.
I got discharged from the clinic.
Seems a bit fucked up.
What? I said just seems a bit fucked up, that's all.
Oh, wow.
But you see It's like nobody's fucking business.
And it's not exactly like anybody cares, so I care.
Look.
Pilchards.
Cool.
And I got it from a fish lady.
Yeah, I wasn't so keen on them.
What you fucking talking about? Omega fats and fishy oils, they're cool.
I was just chatting to Cass, Tony.
Hey, Cass.
How's dippy world? She's better.
She just got discharged from the clinic.
Yeah, whatever.
Jesus! What? Don't you ever wash? That's like lipstick.
Yeah, man, the essence of woman.
Well, one at least.
So who's the lucky lady? That's like someone kissed me.
I can't believe you haven't washed man.
You stink! Somebody kissed me.
Well, yeah, mate, that's a total fucking operator error cos you stink.
I didn't have time.
Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am with my English coursework.
English coursework.
Oh, fuck! Sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning.
You're such a complete fucking waste of time and Ahh, shit! Wow, Tony.
Bummer.
It looks like you pissed yourself.
That's not supposed to fucking happen.
Look at Tony, man.
Ah, shit man! Raas blood white boy gone piss himself up you get me! Mandem's sick stains.
Hey, Cuz! Yo got serious stains! Him cream up his pussy good style.
I'm a bad person.
Come on! < That hurt, actually! Gotta go.
Sure you have.
Finish off the rest of my food if you want.
OK.
This guy from my group therapy's got your ID card.
And he's a crazy fuck and he hates you because you cheated him.
What's his name? He likes to be called Mad.
Twatter.
Yeah.
Totally.
What did you do? I bought some dope on the tick, and then we lost it in the harbour and Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Tony! This is a room for female staff.
Yeah.
The drier's broken in ours.
Ah, there you are.
Jesus, we're in trouble! That crazy fucking dealer found us, Tony.
Hi, Angie.
We gotta do something.
I mean, you could talk to him and Oh, fuck.
Oh, you wankers.
That was well funny, man.
But someone's gonna have to apologise cos Kenneth's crying now so Oh, Jesus Christ, Holy Mary, Mother of God! That's Angie! Don't look! Get out! For fuck's sake! Fuck off! < Sorry, Angie.
You still got it.
Get out of there and don't look at her, all right? You like me.
You like me.
Look up if you like me.
Look up if you like me.
Look up if you like me.
Oh, bugger.
Shit! Oh! Sid.
Hi.
Sorry, Angie.
You shouldn't go into the staff showers, Sid.
I know, I know.
It was a crisis.
Well, it's just a bit embarrassing that's all.
Actually, I'm pretty confident about my body No, I'm having a crisis.
Oh.
Well, sometimes adult bodies can be a little overwhelming.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Angie, I don't care about your tits! Oh.
I'm in deep, deep, deep shit.
Right.
OK.
You need advice? I need advice and 300 quid.
Otherwise someone's going to be re-possessing my bollocks.
OK, well look, when it comes to debt, the best thing to do is to face up to it before it gets out of hand.
Yeah? Yeah.
All you have to do is go to the person you owe money to and calmly ask them to reschedule the payments.
Reschedule payments? So that's one ball now and then the balance next week.
Believe me, Sid, I'm a responsible adult.
I know.
OK? Now what was it, a phone or something? Actually, Angie, it was three ounces of prime hydroponic skunk.
Shit! Yeah, shit.
Go to the police.
They'll arrest me.
Give it back.
I lost it in the harbour.
Keep your head down.
He's got my student ID card.
Right.
Right.
OK.
Basically, I'm fucked, aren't I? Yep.
Well, thanks, Angie, I feel a lot better now, yeah.
Look, give me a moment.
I'm sure I can come up with something No, sorry.
Chris.
Mm-hm.
You've come to apologise, right? Huh? To say sorry.
Oh, yes.
Erm, yes, I'm sorry.
Sorry I saw your boobs.
Sorry I saw your bum.
Erm, sorry I saw your Apology accepted, Chris.
Right.
Well, I've got work to do.
So if you're done Yeah.
Chris.
You shouldn't look at me like that.
Sorry.
It isn't appropriate.
I'm your teacher and Have you always had that mole? Um Yes.
It's lovely.
Oh, God.
PHONE BUZZES PHONE BUZZES OK, right, everybody, listen up.
I'm gonna be taking in your assignments today.
Why are you so relaxed about this? So he's got your ID Card.
So what? Um everybody? So what? He's gonna cut my fucking bollocks off! Chill out, Sid.
I'm chilled, right? Why are you so chilled? I'm confident and relaxed with my ability to improvise.
I'm going on a course for the rest of the week, and I'm not going to be here.
Also, I didn't buy the drugs.
You did.
Nice one, thanks, Tone Guys, look We've got a supply teacher coming in for next week and in fact, he's on his way up from the office now to say hello.
Everybody Look.
There's 3,000 students at this college.
He won't find you.
So if you give me your assignments, I promise that I'll have them marked for you by the Hi, can I help? Supply teacher! Oh, Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
We really appreciate the short notice.
Everybody this is Madison.
Madison Twatter.
CHUCKLING PhD.
Nice to meet you, Tom.
- You got a problem? - No, no Because, er it's been a while since I taught I just I just wanna say that it's a beautiful, beautiful thing to do.
Right.
Um Right, so you'll start next week? No.
No, I've already started.
I don't know, checking lists and things.
Checking lists? Yeah.
Who's who and what's what and blah blah.
I'm really looking forward to, er, to meeting you.
Oh, I'm beside myself with excitement.
I'm totally beside myself.
(Anwar) Sid.
Sid.
Look at me, man.
Oh, God.
What's happening for Christ sakes? His fucking dealer's a supply teacher.
Oh, God.
So? So he's gonna cut Sid's bollocks off.
(Anwar) Sid.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Sid.
Sid.
I'm going to tap you, OK? Oh, God.
Maybe a bit harder.
For Christ sakes! Right.
It's a problem but Sid's our friend and we're going to solve it, OK? Got that, Sid? We're gonna put our heads together and come up with a solution.
Sid.
We're here for you.
We're thinking of the answer right now.
Anyway, I've got sociology so em Yeah, yeah, yeah Don't we have to go over your French, yes? Yeah, we should go.
Hang on.
We're going to give this some serious thought, yeah, guys and OK? We can't just leave him like this.
We'll get back to him.
Yes, that's it.
OK? See you later, man.
We're gonna get back to you on this, Sid.
OK? Mum? This is Sid - your son.
Listen, I've got a problem.
Could you ring me back please? BEEPING Sid.
Are you OK? Bit fucked up as it goes.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
It's like totally kind what you're doing, but it won't make any difference.
Huh? The texts you're sending.
The messages What are you on about, Cass? I've got a few problems here of my own, you know? I know, but Thanks anyway, for trying.
Cassie, I haven't been sending you any messages.
I just saw you.
There aren't any messages on here.
What? There aren't any messages on your phone, Cass.
I thought I thought you liked me.
What? Nothing.
BABY CRIES Hello.
Yes, it's Cassie.
I think I need to see you again.
Hi.
Hello, kid.
What's up? I'm having a few probs.
Oh, Cassie.
I'm listening.
There's somebody I like.
I thought he was sending me a message - texts and things, but he wasn't.
What was the message? "Eat.
" Right.
It wasn't you, was it, Alan? I don't tell you what to do, Cassie.
I'm just a taxi driver.
So, like, who's telling me to eat? Who wants you to eat? You got permission.
I haven't got a knife and fork.
You don't need them.
No.
What kind of day did you have? Fine.
Have you got any more good tunes? I love you, Cass.
I love you, too, Alan.
So eat.