Skins s03e01 Episode Script
Everyone
MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS CHUCKLES Fuckers.
HORNS BLARE Whoa, whoa Whoa! - You! - Oi! Fredster! > This stuff is fucking rubbish, by the way.
Stop stealing my fucking spliff! Argh! Morning, gents, you thieving bastards.
> Come on, I got you some breakfast.
They allowed to serve lager at 8 in the morning? I had a word JJ's got some interesting thoughts on the benefits of Carlsberg as part of a balanced dietary pattern.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Calorifically, it's right up there with 392 energy units, which is nothing on the Snickers Duo I'm having, which has the additional drawback of 28 grams of fat, although I can call upon which doesn't feature in your lager.
But you could argue in some sense that hops constitute one of your five a day.
That'll do me.
You not having that, Freds? - That's his fourth so far.
- Is that a good idea? We've college in half an hour.
Yes! You'll be carrying an attention deficit into the day.
Attention deficit? Intelligence deficit! BURPS LOUDLY Pig! Well, maybe I won't go, then.
You're going to bunk off your first day? Freddie, mate, the sun's shining.
We're bewied, spliffed and sorted.
Feels like the beginning of something.
So I'm waiting.
- For what? - The signal.
We're starting college, Cook.
No, we're waiting.
Something's gotta start us off.
You're running a randomised fate model to determine whether you continue in full-time education? I need motivation.
And it needs to be better than sitting in the sun, with you two, drinking beers and smoking your blow.
Jensie! Have the same again? And sling a couple of them cherry shots on top? Cheers, darling.
LAUGHTER Yes, I can feel it! It's got potential, this day.
It's pregnant.
Shouldn't someone pick up that bike before it causes an? For fuck's sake! Jesus shit! Where the fuck did that?! What the fuck?! Oh! Look at it! Look at it! Look at my fucking car! You saw that, didn't you? Did you?! Did you see it?! I don't know.
You drove into the bollard.
I did not! The fucking bike jumped out in front of me! You must have seen it, you're my witness, right? Are you blind? Why is everyone round here fucking blind? That girl's looking at you, Freddie.
Yeah.
Maybe she's looking at me.
< She's not looking at you, JJ.
OK.
Nice hair.
Yeah.
She's got nice hair and nice eyes.
And nice breasts, probably.
Shut up, JJ.
Nipples.
We'll just imagine her bottom.
Where's your fucking white stick, woman? She's absolutely lovely.
You are as stupid as you look! - For fuck I want your mobile number.
- I don't have one.
Your fucking e-mail address, then! Look at the state of my fucking car! You must have seen something, you demented bint! What What happened? Is that your bike, you fucking idiot? I was signalling.
You just kept coming.
I didn't even see you! You came out of fucking nowhere! > I was trying to make you see me.
You just kept coming, man! No.
That's bollocks.
No.
Listen! You fucked my bike.
You just ran straight through me.
That is not right! You haven't got a witness.
Nobody saw me knock you off your bike.
I did.
It were just like he said! You ran him over, and now he's bleeding.
Profusely.
Perhaps we should call a policeman.
I think it's a crime to leave the scene of a No, there's no need for that.
I'm sure we can sort this out.
Let me buy you a new bike.
Look, here.
Come on, take it! Take it! Come on, have the lot.
Have the whole fucking Oh, bollocks! Forgive and forget, OK? Forgive and forget, OK? OK? All right? Everything all right, Gran? Oh, yes.
Just a slight problem, all sorted out now.
Yes.
He's a pillock, he's wrapped his car round that bollard and he's called me a demented bint.
- What the fuck did you say to my nan? - Hello, nice to meet you Don't fucking "Hello" me Sweet.
Dad says some things are best left to the imagination.
- But that's not right, is it? - Your dad's a stupid tosser, JJ.
Yes.
Do you think she's going wh-where we're going? She is now.
# There were always two sides to this story # It was faith that led us here # Two lady bells # We saw wings that cling and wings that fell # All our time # It's easy to see all these changes for me # But all of these things # Do not compare # Not anywhere No near the way we do # Through all of this life # There's you # SHOWER RUNS Argh! Mum! Mum! Emily hit me! Argh! - Emily? Are you hitting James? - Sorry! Accident Argh! That was my bloody widdler! Shut up or I'll tell her what you were doing.
I've got a natural curiosity for a boy of my age.
Fuck off.
And I know it's you stealing the knickers.
They'd better not be sticky when I find them.
Get the fuck out of there, bitch! - Mum! Mum! - Who? It's me, Emily.
Tell her to get out of the shower.
She's making me late for college.
Gotta dash.
Remember to make - a packed lunch for James.
- No! Why don't you get Katie to? Good luck at college! Remember to smile.
DOOR CLOSES DOOR SLAMS Fucking hell! You've used all the fucking water! Jesus! Shit! - Oh, fuck's sake! - Ah! - Pervy little bastard! - Ow! Mum! - She's gone to work, loser.
- Ow! Fucking hell.
How many times are you gonna do that? I need to wash my hair, and you've I knew this top would look fucking bad-ass.
It's mine.
Yeah.
Aren't you glad I made you buy it? Get dressed, though.
We're gonna be late.
I dunno where you got this thong, but it's properly cutting me in half.
You could give it back.
Sorry.
You know it doesn't look as good on you.
CAR TOOTS HORN Oh, there's Danny Hey, cutie! I'm just coming.
Hoo! I'm telling you, college? First day? You need to get ready, cos we're not waiting for you.
- What about my packed lunch? - Fuck off.
You shave your fanny with Dad's Gillette Mach3.
Shame On A Nigga by Wu-Tang Clan So Tommo goes up the inside, right? I drop back to cover Marco and Keeno.
Took a one-two from Jonno, who's going, "Danno!" So I drag back over the ball.
Looked up, chipped the centre back Boff! Sambo's in on goal.
Sambo? He's got a lovely sense of rhythm.
Whoa! Where's your knickers, girl? That's for me to know and you to find out, Danny.
Nice one! Nice one, yeah? Score one for me, honey.
Laters, babes.
See you, Danny.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Renault Mégane coupé! Jesus! Fucking bag Here, Ems? Ems? Yeah? You oughta spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Katie.
We're having a party in the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday.
Party fun, yeah? The lads, they love a twin thing, you know? CHUCKLES That's sweet of you, Danny.
Can I get back to you on that? Yeah, yeah.
Nice one.
- Are you Danny, that footy player? - Yup My mate Janice wants you to sign her tits.
Let me park up.
- Your boyfriend's well mint.
- Yeah.
He's totally fit.
He took me to the Stakis Grand last week for surf, turf and shots.
- Ooh.
I love Danny Guilermo.
- Yeah.
- Lush.
- Foxy.
Cute.
- He's signing Samantha's tits! - Bonkers! What's surf and turf, Eff? Sex.
Wow! We'll have a whizzer time at this college, Eff! I'm definitely going to have a surf and turf, ASAP.
Mum says boys only want one thing, so my plan is to give it to them, lots of times.
That way I'll get good at it, be popular, and maybe my toes will stop throbbing.
Bye! Christ's sakes, Ems.
Come on, you loser! Hello.
What's wrong with you? You're always lagging behind me.
Why can't you wear decent clothes? Right.
You hate her.
Who do I hate, Eff? - I'll let you know.
- Cool.
Right, let's get this party started.
- Do you want a lollipop? - No.
# I know I've got work to do But hey # My will to move or even use my brain # Is weathered by eternal English rain # And when the talk show ends I scream # Right at the screen for more # Pregnant teens I can't fall asleep # It's almost three # So I water the flowers out on the street # I spent five hours on the net last night # She smiled at me.
Cool.
She, er, didn't smile at you, JJ.
I think you'll find she did.
Mum was right.
A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback.
It is a drawback.
Girls are more interested in my character than my cock.
That's just been proved.
She was not looking at you.
Fuck me, you're blind.
On the contrary.
My eyesight is keen.
Yeah? How many fingers am I holding up? F Oh! Don't do that! I've got so much cock hair, I can backcomb it and use it like a lure.
Nice.
Like a porcupine.
Right, you're all prick.
Toosh.
You mean touché.
Probably.
- Tosser.
- Nice.
Here we go.
Welcome to Roundview College, a meeting place for young people.
CHORUS PLAYS OVER TANNO Y # Welcome to Roundview # God help me.
Lovely kids.
So full of energy.
Makes you feel alive.
They look like a right pack of fuckers to me.
If I suddenly get a bit flushed and short of breath, take over, would you, Doug? - Why would you get flushed? - Just fucking do it, OK? No problem.
Flushed.
Right you are.
Could I have your attention, please? Yes, we are starting.
Excuse BLOWS WHISTLE Attention! Pay attention, look you! Welcome to Roundview College.
We are a designated four-star educational establishment under the national We're All In It Together initiative, leading to Ultimate Improvement status.
Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake.
And expelled.
Yes, and expelled.
God help you all, you're gonna get some qualifications.
Any questions? PFFRT! Thank you.
Now, before I turn you over to your form tutors, I'd like to tell you something about the way in which we organise our PFFRT! Right! Very funny This is a further education college, not a primary school.
PFFRT! LAUGHTER Stop it! Stop it! I'll cut your balls off, you cheeky little turds! You hear me? I do apologise.
I think I might be at fault.
Too much rhubarb on my Ready Brek.
Havoc.
LAUGHTER Right.
You are looking a little flushed.
Do you want me to? No! No.
Just SHE INHALES Last year, we had some intolerable incidents, so I want to make this easy for you.
The following will result in instant expulsion - smoking on the premises, setting fire to the premises, consumption of alcohol on the premises, consumption of drugs on the premises, consumption of pornography on the premises, teacher abuse, glue abuse, self abuse, sexual intercourse with any other student, teacher or animal or combination of the above, including oral sex and/or use of sex toys, on the premises.
That was nasty.
Miss Reedy, our new head of communications.
Hello.
Miss Reedy is joining us from .
.
Where are you joining us from? Um, I had some time off.
Seven years.
It was stress-related, but feeling a bit better now, hopefully.
Oh, Christ.
Form BD1, say your name, please, when I Put your hands up, please, when I call your, erm, n-n-name.
Emily Fitch? K- K-Katie Fitch? Jonah Jeremiah Jones? JJ, present.
James Cook? Yo! Elizabeth Stonem? Mavis Jarundi? Dob rislawa W Wieczorek? I'm sorry, you're foreign.
Frederick Mclair? Yes.
Yes! Denise Adebeyor? Yes.
Yes! The integrity of the unit is preserved.
I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind, on account of the unwarranted violence.
All right, I said I was sorry.
And Naomi Campbell? LAUGHTER Naomi Campbell? Naomi Campbell?! Fucking hell Hey, Naomi.
Now I get it.
You got anger management issues.
Only when I talk to wankers.
Cool.
You gonna hit me with your shoe now or? I like her.
SHE SIGHS Oh, Christ.
Same fucking form.
TEACHER CONTINUES READING NAMES Babe? Babe? Babe? - Babe? Babe? - Sorry.
I'm not a babe.
No? Well, I'll be the judge of that.
- Shut up, Cook Sorry about him.
- Listen, just trying to break the ice.
Guess what I've got tattooed on my cock.
- Cook! - No, go on.
Guess.
What would you say? Excuse me! Yes? What is it? The boy next to me is acting inappropriately.
How? He wants to show me his tattoo.
And not in a nice way.
Right.
You! - Me? - Yes! Why don't you show us all your pathetic tattoo? We can wonder at its magnificent stupidity.
I don't think you'd like it.
Right lad! Smartish! You've had an instruction.
Show her the tattoo now! All right.
Wait.
No, no, no! Cook, wait, no.
< Please, please! LAUGHTER That is fuckin' impressive, so it is.
No, no, no, no, no! Let me out! Let me out! Don't make me stay! Let me out! LAUGHTER This is unacceptable.
Unacceptable! Silence! Silence! You, silence! PFF-FF-FF-FF PFFRT! Um I do apologise again.
If I ever, ever see your face in this office again Get out! Get out! Get out! - Did she expel you? - For what? Getting your cock out in Assembly.
I'm guessing, but it's possibly frowned upon.
Even in the state sector.
She understood the bind I was in.
I was doing what I was told.
Very accommodating.
There was something about removing my bollocks with a monkey wrench if she ever saw them again.
I think we reached an understanding.
Right.
To business.
- You mean education? - Women, JJ.
Women? Um I mean, I feel like we might be I don't want to sort of run before I can walk Wow.
Girls! There's a lot of them.
Yep.
So much choice, it's disconcerting.
No, it's just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chavs.
Ah, there we are.
And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.
You think she'd lie down with me? No! Yeah? Well, that line is wrong and popularly misquoted.
It should read, "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, "and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, "and the lion and the calf together, and a little child shall lead them.
" Yeah.
We'll try and pick the bones out of that, J.
I could show her one of my magic tricks.
Dad says it's an ice-breaker.
Yeah? Let's try that out, then, before we go leaping in, and we can see who gets the fatted calf, right? OK.
Yeah, you.
Darling, my mate wants to try out his pick-up routine on you.
That OK? Hey.
Hi, I'm JJ.
Pack of cards.
Nothing funny about them.
Except one minute they're blue and Hi.
You don't mind if I take this locker? You can take anything if you want it enough.
Great.
Everything's new and I suppose we should probably, like, you know, all get to know each other.
Why? Well, um I dunno.
You definitely looked at me this morning, twice.
I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other.
I look at lots of people.
That doesn't mean I want to get to know them.
Do you want me to want to get to know you? I, er, I wouldn't mind.
Thing is, they want to get to know me too.
They're just wankers.
They're your best friends.
OK, so they're my best friends.
That makes it complicated.
I, um, I was hoping not.
I'm Freddie.
Tell you what, Freddie.
- Fill in a form.
- What's this? A list of things we're not allowed to do.
Like that head director said before your bestest mate got his cock out.
I was gonna see if I could tick 'em all before the end of the day, but this is much more interesting.
First one to fill that out gets to .
.
get to know me.
And no cheating.
I'll need evidence.
OK.
Cos I wouldn't fuck a cheat.
Sorry? Now watch very closely.
Oh! Where's it gone? Presto! - Presto! - Best put that away before I lose it.
< Fuck me! Yes, that's alarming.
So I'll just Ha ha! And the coup de grâce Prestissimo! Yeah! Magic! Question is, pet, does that make you want to give JJ a blowjob? Excuse me, are you fucking deaf or something? < Yes, I am deaf.
So why don't you give him a blowjob if you love him so much? Tossers.
Especially you.
Who are we speaking to here? Pixie's lip-reading.
I'm telling you what she says.
Right, right.
Cool.
She's got tits like choccy HobNobs.
I'd like to dunk 'em, suck 'em and lick off the love.
- I'm not sure - Droopy, lardy arse.
Bit spready, bit low slung.
You get me? I think we've stumbled upon a flaw in your thinking.
Listen I mean, wait.
Hang on.
HE GROANS < Presto.
You cunting, small-balled arsehole bandit.
She may be deaf - she's also extremely rude.
Yeah.
Shove It by Santogold # We on the look for the advantage We work hard # And if we seem to rough it up a bit We broke but we rich at heart # It's bloody annoying they've put us in different forms.
I mean, OK, I'm totally useless and Mum says I have to do Hair and Beauty, but I'm good at Philosophy.
I can't understand why I can't do Hair and Philosophy.
You can't cos it turns out Hair and Beauty is one subject, not two.
Blooming Nora, how mad is that? It's inexplicable, Pandora.
Yeah.
Inexplicable.
What does inexplicable mean, Eff? - Can't explain.
- All right! Suit yourself, then.
Whoa! Hi, I'm Katie.
I'm Bruno and what do you know? Hello! Who's your friend? Pandora.
Wow! You're a corker.
Thanks, um It's nice to I've got to go.
Strewth! Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me, Eff? - I'll ask.
- Gotta go.
Lesson one - practical skills.
Filing our nails - handy! I'm Pandora.
I'm useless.
Cute.
I'm Katie, that's my sister.
Aren't you Effy Stonem? Haven't you got a really cool brother? Yeah, he's cool.
All my friends fancied him.
I wasn't so fussed.
Didn't he go mental? Anyway, I've got a boyfriend.
He plays for Bristol Rover reserves.
Impressive.
Yeah.
He's well lush.
Let's sit together.
We can chat cos, you know we're the best-looking in here, really.
Sorry, but we are.
We should hang out.
Definitely.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Total lezzer bitch.
Excuse me.
Like, don't talk to her.
She tried to snog my sister at middle school.
Pervy.
Don't you think, Eff? Watch out, Katie.
I might get confused and fuck you with my great big strap-on by mistake.
Muff-munching bitch.
- Just jumped on you, didn't she? - Leave it, Katie.
Whatever.
Come on.
We'll get the best seats, yeah? So, you the doormat, then? Sort of.
Interesting, that you just put up with that.
Yeah.
It's a challenging list.
You gotta give her that.
Sex in school.
Tricky.
Guys, we are now seven minutes - for form induction.
Shut up, will you, JJ? Do you think she's serious? There's only one way to find out.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna I've already got "teacher abuse" ticked.
And how! Your cock should not be that colour.
> The game is on, Freddie.
You wanna play? Don't be stupid.
Tell you what, girls like stupid.
Ain't you worked that out? And McFly.
Girls like McFly.
> She's a naughty, naughty little girl, and I don't like to disappoint.
Eh? Someone's left their shit in here.
- Yeah! - Nice! Check this out! Oh, my god.
Cook, Cook, I'm not sure if that's legal.
Oh, that's definitely not legal! Dunno who this Sid guy was, but he's got fucking great taste in gash.
I can't look.
Don't make me look.
I have to look.
Oh, holy shit! That's forbidden.
Forbidden, verboten, interdit.
JJ! - Prohibido, prohibido! - JJ! JJ! I'm sorry.
Was I getting locked on, there? Locked on, JJ.
OK.
I'm all right.
I'm fine.
But can I just remind you, in a casual, non-locked-on way, that we're late? We're late, we're late, we're late! JJ! Sorry.
I'm fine.
We going? Hang on.
- Shoot me.
- Huh? Your fucking camera.
Go on.
Right, action.
Cook, what the fuck are you doing? Action.
Do it, man! I was saving this for lunch, but what the fuck? Cheers! What the fuck are you doing? - Whoa! - Jesus! Fuck me.
Christ.
Sorted.
You are fucking mental.
Mental is as mental does.
But we're late.
Shall we? Let's go.
Come on, run! So, you see, they don't mean it.
That's what you have to remember.
They're just kids.
Kids! Yes? I, um I suppose so.
They don't mean it.
Have you ever fallen off a horse? Huh? You have to drink your milk and get straight back on that horse.
OK? Back.
Yes? Oggy Oggy Oggy! What? Kids.
Cheeky, immature, harmless.
They can't hurt you.
OK? OK.
They can't hurt me.
Good girl.
Saddle up! Argh! FIRE BELL RINGS Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly Smooth the cuticle, push.
Remember to breathe.
Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Smooth the cuticle.
Push Yes.
I'm sorry We're filing.
What is it? > Well, um, blimey, this is fascinating.
Mega fun.
But the thing is I have to get out of here.
Sorry? I have to go because I've got three super-duper zits coming on ALL GASP They're like proper seepers.
Oh, my God! Yes, Go! Go! For God's sake, go! Refresh and moisturise.
Don't waste a second.
Yes.
Refresh and I'm on it! Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Blooming 'eck.
It's big out here.
Right.
Um Now we've gotta Christ.
Fuck it.
OK.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Um OK.
Whatever We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves.
Right.
I'll start.
Christ.
I'm Kieran and I hate being a fucking teacher You.
Um I'm JJ and with regard to mathematic aptitude, I'm in the top 0.
3% of the population, which is an interesting demographic statistic, because paradoxically my communication, interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.
Yeah.
You've stopped me in my fucking tracks there, yeah You.
I'm Katie.
I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.
Congratulations You.
Um I'm Emily.
I've never had a boyfriend.
Shit happens You.
I'm Naomi.
I hate injustice.
People tell lies about me.
< You at the back.
- I'm Kumir.
I'm gay.
- Yup.
Good You.
I'm Max, and both my parents are artists.
Great.
I'm very, very happy for you.
.
.
What about you with the bling? I'm Effy.
And I think my mum's having an affair.
Good one.
Shows enterprise.
- What about you, big man? - Um I'm Freddie.
I met a girl I like today.
She's like beautiful.
That's it.
That's it? That's your unique fact? That's just great.
Fascinating, Freddie, thank you for that What about you? I'm Katie and I had Frosties for breakfast.
> < Frosties, that's product placement, in my opinion.
You there at the back beside the wee gay man? > My name's Nathan, and seven members of my immediate family have been on Crimewatch.
Brilliant, what a year this is gonna be > - Kieran? - Yes.
I'm feeling rather shit.
I think I need to go to the nurse's office.
< Oh, yeah? OK.
Go on, then.
Right.
Where were we? Oh, stuff it.
Let's just watch a DVD about Oh, Christ.
How To Be Inclusive.
Holy Mother of divine shite, who makes up this shit? Actually, Kieran, I'm not feeling too well either.
My balls are aching.
I might have to go and see that nurse.
- Right! Bugger off, then.
- Cheers, Kieran.
< See if she can laser Jordan off them.
OK.
Right, how the fuck does this thing? Anyone have a clue? Hey.
Can I be in this class? I don't like mine.
Why not? Make up the numbers.
You doing some A-Levels? - One, please.
Philosophy.
- OK, sit down.
When you've worked out the point of living, come and fucking tell me, OK? Whizzer! Where's Effy? They don't have a nurse.
I just gotta get drugs.
And sex.
SNORING Grab my balls! Grab my balls! MOANING Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! MOANING AND GRUNTING SCREAMING # Teach me to learn to lose myself # My finger was pricked by someone else # Pull my blood up through a mixer straw # Spread the words all over the neighbour's lawn # Don't cry for sleeping kittens # Cos they won't die today # We'll cover them with flowers # They dream their dreams away # Disconnect the feeling factory # Put your tongue up to my battery # Things are so much smoother when we lie # Crush your cigarettes out on an orange sky # Lose sleep for sleeping children # Throw your branch away # The bees, they buzzed so loudly # That I just couldn't stay # I just couldn't stay # Awaiting an audience # Awaiting an audience # Awaiting an audience # Awaiting an audience #
HORNS BLARE Whoa, whoa Whoa! - You! - Oi! Fredster! > This stuff is fucking rubbish, by the way.
Stop stealing my fucking spliff! Argh! Morning, gents, you thieving bastards.
> Come on, I got you some breakfast.
They allowed to serve lager at 8 in the morning? I had a word JJ's got some interesting thoughts on the benefits of Carlsberg as part of a balanced dietary pattern.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Calorifically, it's right up there with 392 energy units, which is nothing on the Snickers Duo I'm having, which has the additional drawback of 28 grams of fat, although I can call upon which doesn't feature in your lager.
But you could argue in some sense that hops constitute one of your five a day.
That'll do me.
You not having that, Freds? - That's his fourth so far.
- Is that a good idea? We've college in half an hour.
Yes! You'll be carrying an attention deficit into the day.
Attention deficit? Intelligence deficit! BURPS LOUDLY Pig! Well, maybe I won't go, then.
You're going to bunk off your first day? Freddie, mate, the sun's shining.
We're bewied, spliffed and sorted.
Feels like the beginning of something.
So I'm waiting.
- For what? - The signal.
We're starting college, Cook.
No, we're waiting.
Something's gotta start us off.
You're running a randomised fate model to determine whether you continue in full-time education? I need motivation.
And it needs to be better than sitting in the sun, with you two, drinking beers and smoking your blow.
Jensie! Have the same again? And sling a couple of them cherry shots on top? Cheers, darling.
LAUGHTER Yes, I can feel it! It's got potential, this day.
It's pregnant.
Shouldn't someone pick up that bike before it causes an? For fuck's sake! Jesus shit! Where the fuck did that?! What the fuck?! Oh! Look at it! Look at it! Look at my fucking car! You saw that, didn't you? Did you?! Did you see it?! I don't know.
You drove into the bollard.
I did not! The fucking bike jumped out in front of me! You must have seen it, you're my witness, right? Are you blind? Why is everyone round here fucking blind? That girl's looking at you, Freddie.
Yeah.
Maybe she's looking at me.
< She's not looking at you, JJ.
OK.
Nice hair.
Yeah.
She's got nice hair and nice eyes.
And nice breasts, probably.
Shut up, JJ.
Nipples.
We'll just imagine her bottom.
Where's your fucking white stick, woman? She's absolutely lovely.
You are as stupid as you look! - For fuck I want your mobile number.
- I don't have one.
Your fucking e-mail address, then! Look at the state of my fucking car! You must have seen something, you demented bint! What What happened? Is that your bike, you fucking idiot? I was signalling.
You just kept coming.
I didn't even see you! You came out of fucking nowhere! > I was trying to make you see me.
You just kept coming, man! No.
That's bollocks.
No.
Listen! You fucked my bike.
You just ran straight through me.
That is not right! You haven't got a witness.
Nobody saw me knock you off your bike.
I did.
It were just like he said! You ran him over, and now he's bleeding.
Profusely.
Perhaps we should call a policeman.
I think it's a crime to leave the scene of a No, there's no need for that.
I'm sure we can sort this out.
Let me buy you a new bike.
Look, here.
Come on, take it! Take it! Come on, have the lot.
Have the whole fucking Oh, bollocks! Forgive and forget, OK? Forgive and forget, OK? OK? All right? Everything all right, Gran? Oh, yes.
Just a slight problem, all sorted out now.
Yes.
He's a pillock, he's wrapped his car round that bollard and he's called me a demented bint.
- What the fuck did you say to my nan? - Hello, nice to meet you Don't fucking "Hello" me Sweet.
Dad says some things are best left to the imagination.
- But that's not right, is it? - Your dad's a stupid tosser, JJ.
Yes.
Do you think she's going wh-where we're going? She is now.
# There were always two sides to this story # It was faith that led us here # Two lady bells # We saw wings that cling and wings that fell # All our time # It's easy to see all these changes for me # But all of these things # Do not compare # Not anywhere No near the way we do # Through all of this life # There's you # SHOWER RUNS Argh! Mum! Mum! Emily hit me! Argh! - Emily? Are you hitting James? - Sorry! Accident Argh! That was my bloody widdler! Shut up or I'll tell her what you were doing.
I've got a natural curiosity for a boy of my age.
Fuck off.
And I know it's you stealing the knickers.
They'd better not be sticky when I find them.
Get the fuck out of there, bitch! - Mum! Mum! - Who? It's me, Emily.
Tell her to get out of the shower.
She's making me late for college.
Gotta dash.
Remember to make - a packed lunch for James.
- No! Why don't you get Katie to? Good luck at college! Remember to smile.
DOOR CLOSES DOOR SLAMS Fucking hell! You've used all the fucking water! Jesus! Shit! - Oh, fuck's sake! - Ah! - Pervy little bastard! - Ow! Mum! - She's gone to work, loser.
- Ow! Fucking hell.
How many times are you gonna do that? I need to wash my hair, and you've I knew this top would look fucking bad-ass.
It's mine.
Yeah.
Aren't you glad I made you buy it? Get dressed, though.
We're gonna be late.
I dunno where you got this thong, but it's properly cutting me in half.
You could give it back.
Sorry.
You know it doesn't look as good on you.
CAR TOOTS HORN Oh, there's Danny Hey, cutie! I'm just coming.
Hoo! I'm telling you, college? First day? You need to get ready, cos we're not waiting for you.
- What about my packed lunch? - Fuck off.
You shave your fanny with Dad's Gillette Mach3.
Shame On A Nigga by Wu-Tang Clan So Tommo goes up the inside, right? I drop back to cover Marco and Keeno.
Took a one-two from Jonno, who's going, "Danno!" So I drag back over the ball.
Looked up, chipped the centre back Boff! Sambo's in on goal.
Sambo? He's got a lovely sense of rhythm.
Whoa! Where's your knickers, girl? That's for me to know and you to find out, Danny.
Nice one! Nice one, yeah? Score one for me, honey.
Laters, babes.
See you, Danny.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Renault Mégane coupé! Jesus! Fucking bag Here, Ems? Ems? Yeah? You oughta spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Katie.
We're having a party in the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday.
Party fun, yeah? The lads, they love a twin thing, you know? CHUCKLES That's sweet of you, Danny.
Can I get back to you on that? Yeah, yeah.
Nice one.
- Are you Danny, that footy player? - Yup My mate Janice wants you to sign her tits.
Let me park up.
- Your boyfriend's well mint.
- Yeah.
He's totally fit.
He took me to the Stakis Grand last week for surf, turf and shots.
- Ooh.
I love Danny Guilermo.
- Yeah.
- Lush.
- Foxy.
Cute.
- He's signing Samantha's tits! - Bonkers! What's surf and turf, Eff? Sex.
Wow! We'll have a whizzer time at this college, Eff! I'm definitely going to have a surf and turf, ASAP.
Mum says boys only want one thing, so my plan is to give it to them, lots of times.
That way I'll get good at it, be popular, and maybe my toes will stop throbbing.
Bye! Christ's sakes, Ems.
Come on, you loser! Hello.
What's wrong with you? You're always lagging behind me.
Why can't you wear decent clothes? Right.
You hate her.
Who do I hate, Eff? - I'll let you know.
- Cool.
Right, let's get this party started.
- Do you want a lollipop? - No.
# I know I've got work to do But hey # My will to move or even use my brain # Is weathered by eternal English rain # And when the talk show ends I scream # Right at the screen for more # Pregnant teens I can't fall asleep # It's almost three # So I water the flowers out on the street # I spent five hours on the net last night # She smiled at me.
Cool.
She, er, didn't smile at you, JJ.
I think you'll find she did.
Mum was right.
A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback.
It is a drawback.
Girls are more interested in my character than my cock.
That's just been proved.
She was not looking at you.
Fuck me, you're blind.
On the contrary.
My eyesight is keen.
Yeah? How many fingers am I holding up? F Oh! Don't do that! I've got so much cock hair, I can backcomb it and use it like a lure.
Nice.
Like a porcupine.
Right, you're all prick.
Toosh.
You mean touché.
Probably.
- Tosser.
- Nice.
Here we go.
Welcome to Roundview College, a meeting place for young people.
CHORUS PLAYS OVER TANNO Y # Welcome to Roundview # God help me.
Lovely kids.
So full of energy.
Makes you feel alive.
They look like a right pack of fuckers to me.
If I suddenly get a bit flushed and short of breath, take over, would you, Doug? - Why would you get flushed? - Just fucking do it, OK? No problem.
Flushed.
Right you are.
Could I have your attention, please? Yes, we are starting.
Excuse BLOWS WHISTLE Attention! Pay attention, look you! Welcome to Roundview College.
We are a designated four-star educational establishment under the national We're All In It Together initiative, leading to Ultimate Improvement status.
Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake.
And expelled.
Yes, and expelled.
God help you all, you're gonna get some qualifications.
Any questions? PFFRT! Thank you.
Now, before I turn you over to your form tutors, I'd like to tell you something about the way in which we organise our PFFRT! Right! Very funny This is a further education college, not a primary school.
PFFRT! LAUGHTER Stop it! Stop it! I'll cut your balls off, you cheeky little turds! You hear me? I do apologise.
I think I might be at fault.
Too much rhubarb on my Ready Brek.
Havoc.
LAUGHTER Right.
You are looking a little flushed.
Do you want me to? No! No.
Just SHE INHALES Last year, we had some intolerable incidents, so I want to make this easy for you.
The following will result in instant expulsion - smoking on the premises, setting fire to the premises, consumption of alcohol on the premises, consumption of drugs on the premises, consumption of pornography on the premises, teacher abuse, glue abuse, self abuse, sexual intercourse with any other student, teacher or animal or combination of the above, including oral sex and/or use of sex toys, on the premises.
That was nasty.
Miss Reedy, our new head of communications.
Hello.
Miss Reedy is joining us from .
.
Where are you joining us from? Um, I had some time off.
Seven years.
It was stress-related, but feeling a bit better now, hopefully.
Oh, Christ.
Form BD1, say your name, please, when I Put your hands up, please, when I call your, erm, n-n-name.
Emily Fitch? K- K-Katie Fitch? Jonah Jeremiah Jones? JJ, present.
James Cook? Yo! Elizabeth Stonem? Mavis Jarundi? Dob rislawa W Wieczorek? I'm sorry, you're foreign.
Frederick Mclair? Yes.
Yes! Denise Adebeyor? Yes.
Yes! The integrity of the unit is preserved.
I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind, on account of the unwarranted violence.
All right, I said I was sorry.
And Naomi Campbell? LAUGHTER Naomi Campbell? Naomi Campbell?! Fucking hell Hey, Naomi.
Now I get it.
You got anger management issues.
Only when I talk to wankers.
Cool.
You gonna hit me with your shoe now or? I like her.
SHE SIGHS Oh, Christ.
Same fucking form.
TEACHER CONTINUES READING NAMES Babe? Babe? Babe? - Babe? Babe? - Sorry.
I'm not a babe.
No? Well, I'll be the judge of that.
- Shut up, Cook Sorry about him.
- Listen, just trying to break the ice.
Guess what I've got tattooed on my cock.
- Cook! - No, go on.
Guess.
What would you say? Excuse me! Yes? What is it? The boy next to me is acting inappropriately.
How? He wants to show me his tattoo.
And not in a nice way.
Right.
You! - Me? - Yes! Why don't you show us all your pathetic tattoo? We can wonder at its magnificent stupidity.
I don't think you'd like it.
Right lad! Smartish! You've had an instruction.
Show her the tattoo now! All right.
Wait.
No, no, no! Cook, wait, no.
< Please, please! LAUGHTER That is fuckin' impressive, so it is.
No, no, no, no, no! Let me out! Let me out! Don't make me stay! Let me out! LAUGHTER This is unacceptable.
Unacceptable! Silence! Silence! You, silence! PFF-FF-FF-FF PFFRT! Um I do apologise again.
If I ever, ever see your face in this office again Get out! Get out! Get out! - Did she expel you? - For what? Getting your cock out in Assembly.
I'm guessing, but it's possibly frowned upon.
Even in the state sector.
She understood the bind I was in.
I was doing what I was told.
Very accommodating.
There was something about removing my bollocks with a monkey wrench if she ever saw them again.
I think we reached an understanding.
Right.
To business.
- You mean education? - Women, JJ.
Women? Um I mean, I feel like we might be I don't want to sort of run before I can walk Wow.
Girls! There's a lot of them.
Yep.
So much choice, it's disconcerting.
No, it's just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chavs.
Ah, there we are.
And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.
You think she'd lie down with me? No! Yeah? Well, that line is wrong and popularly misquoted.
It should read, "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, "and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, "and the lion and the calf together, and a little child shall lead them.
" Yeah.
We'll try and pick the bones out of that, J.
I could show her one of my magic tricks.
Dad says it's an ice-breaker.
Yeah? Let's try that out, then, before we go leaping in, and we can see who gets the fatted calf, right? OK.
Yeah, you.
Darling, my mate wants to try out his pick-up routine on you.
That OK? Hey.
Hi, I'm JJ.
Pack of cards.
Nothing funny about them.
Except one minute they're blue and Hi.
You don't mind if I take this locker? You can take anything if you want it enough.
Great.
Everything's new and I suppose we should probably, like, you know, all get to know each other.
Why? Well, um I dunno.
You definitely looked at me this morning, twice.
I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other.
I look at lots of people.
That doesn't mean I want to get to know them.
Do you want me to want to get to know you? I, er, I wouldn't mind.
Thing is, they want to get to know me too.
They're just wankers.
They're your best friends.
OK, so they're my best friends.
That makes it complicated.
I, um, I was hoping not.
I'm Freddie.
Tell you what, Freddie.
- Fill in a form.
- What's this? A list of things we're not allowed to do.
Like that head director said before your bestest mate got his cock out.
I was gonna see if I could tick 'em all before the end of the day, but this is much more interesting.
First one to fill that out gets to .
.
get to know me.
And no cheating.
I'll need evidence.
OK.
Cos I wouldn't fuck a cheat.
Sorry? Now watch very closely.
Oh! Where's it gone? Presto! - Presto! - Best put that away before I lose it.
< Fuck me! Yes, that's alarming.
So I'll just Ha ha! And the coup de grâce Prestissimo! Yeah! Magic! Question is, pet, does that make you want to give JJ a blowjob? Excuse me, are you fucking deaf or something? < Yes, I am deaf.
So why don't you give him a blowjob if you love him so much? Tossers.
Especially you.
Who are we speaking to here? Pixie's lip-reading.
I'm telling you what she says.
Right, right.
Cool.
She's got tits like choccy HobNobs.
I'd like to dunk 'em, suck 'em and lick off the love.
- I'm not sure - Droopy, lardy arse.
Bit spready, bit low slung.
You get me? I think we've stumbled upon a flaw in your thinking.
Listen I mean, wait.
Hang on.
HE GROANS < Presto.
You cunting, small-balled arsehole bandit.
She may be deaf - she's also extremely rude.
Yeah.
Shove It by Santogold # We on the look for the advantage We work hard # And if we seem to rough it up a bit We broke but we rich at heart # It's bloody annoying they've put us in different forms.
I mean, OK, I'm totally useless and Mum says I have to do Hair and Beauty, but I'm good at Philosophy.
I can't understand why I can't do Hair and Philosophy.
You can't cos it turns out Hair and Beauty is one subject, not two.
Blooming Nora, how mad is that? It's inexplicable, Pandora.
Yeah.
Inexplicable.
What does inexplicable mean, Eff? - Can't explain.
- All right! Suit yourself, then.
Whoa! Hi, I'm Katie.
I'm Bruno and what do you know? Hello! Who's your friend? Pandora.
Wow! You're a corker.
Thanks, um It's nice to I've got to go.
Strewth! Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me, Eff? - I'll ask.
- Gotta go.
Lesson one - practical skills.
Filing our nails - handy! I'm Pandora.
I'm useless.
Cute.
I'm Katie, that's my sister.
Aren't you Effy Stonem? Haven't you got a really cool brother? Yeah, he's cool.
All my friends fancied him.
I wasn't so fussed.
Didn't he go mental? Anyway, I've got a boyfriend.
He plays for Bristol Rover reserves.
Impressive.
Yeah.
He's well lush.
Let's sit together.
We can chat cos, you know we're the best-looking in here, really.
Sorry, but we are.
We should hang out.
Definitely.
Oh, no, here it comes.
Total lezzer bitch.
Excuse me.
Like, don't talk to her.
She tried to snog my sister at middle school.
Pervy.
Don't you think, Eff? Watch out, Katie.
I might get confused and fuck you with my great big strap-on by mistake.
Muff-munching bitch.
- Just jumped on you, didn't she? - Leave it, Katie.
Whatever.
Come on.
We'll get the best seats, yeah? So, you the doormat, then? Sort of.
Interesting, that you just put up with that.
Yeah.
It's a challenging list.
You gotta give her that.
Sex in school.
Tricky.
Guys, we are now seven minutes - for form induction.
Shut up, will you, JJ? Do you think she's serious? There's only one way to find out.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna I've already got "teacher abuse" ticked.
And how! Your cock should not be that colour.
> The game is on, Freddie.
You wanna play? Don't be stupid.
Tell you what, girls like stupid.
Ain't you worked that out? And McFly.
Girls like McFly.
> She's a naughty, naughty little girl, and I don't like to disappoint.
Eh? Someone's left their shit in here.
- Yeah! - Nice! Check this out! Oh, my god.
Cook, Cook, I'm not sure if that's legal.
Oh, that's definitely not legal! Dunno who this Sid guy was, but he's got fucking great taste in gash.
I can't look.
Don't make me look.
I have to look.
Oh, holy shit! That's forbidden.
Forbidden, verboten, interdit.
JJ! - Prohibido, prohibido! - JJ! JJ! I'm sorry.
Was I getting locked on, there? Locked on, JJ.
OK.
I'm all right.
I'm fine.
But can I just remind you, in a casual, non-locked-on way, that we're late? We're late, we're late, we're late! JJ! Sorry.
I'm fine.
We going? Hang on.
- Shoot me.
- Huh? Your fucking camera.
Go on.
Right, action.
Cook, what the fuck are you doing? Action.
Do it, man! I was saving this for lunch, but what the fuck? Cheers! What the fuck are you doing? - Whoa! - Jesus! Fuck me.
Christ.
Sorted.
You are fucking mental.
Mental is as mental does.
But we're late.
Shall we? Let's go.
Come on, run! So, you see, they don't mean it.
That's what you have to remember.
They're just kids.
Kids! Yes? I, um I suppose so.
They don't mean it.
Have you ever fallen off a horse? Huh? You have to drink your milk and get straight back on that horse.
OK? Back.
Yes? Oggy Oggy Oggy! What? Kids.
Cheeky, immature, harmless.
They can't hurt you.
OK? OK.
They can't hurt me.
Good girl.
Saddle up! Argh! FIRE BELL RINGS Across firmly and round it off.
Across firmly Smooth the cuticle, push.
Remember to breathe.
Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Smooth the cuticle.
Push Yes.
I'm sorry We're filing.
What is it? > Well, um, blimey, this is fascinating.
Mega fun.
But the thing is I have to get out of here.
Sorry? I have to go because I've got three super-duper zits coming on ALL GASP They're like proper seepers.
Oh, my God! Yes, Go! Go! For God's sake, go! Refresh and moisturise.
Don't waste a second.
Yes.
Refresh and I'm on it! Smooth the cuticle.
Push.
Blooming 'eck.
It's big out here.
Right.
Um Now we've gotta Christ.
Fuck it.
OK.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Um OK.
Whatever We've gotta stand up, say our names and a unique fact about ourselves.
Right.
I'll start.
Christ.
I'm Kieran and I hate being a fucking teacher You.
Um I'm JJ and with regard to mathematic aptitude, I'm in the top 0.
3% of the population, which is an interesting demographic statistic, because paradoxically my communication, interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.
Yeah.
You've stopped me in my fucking tracks there, yeah You.
I'm Katie.
I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.
Congratulations You.
Um I'm Emily.
I've never had a boyfriend.
Shit happens You.
I'm Naomi.
I hate injustice.
People tell lies about me.
< You at the back.
- I'm Kumir.
I'm gay.
- Yup.
Good You.
I'm Max, and both my parents are artists.
Great.
I'm very, very happy for you.
.
.
What about you with the bling? I'm Effy.
And I think my mum's having an affair.
Good one.
Shows enterprise.
- What about you, big man? - Um I'm Freddie.
I met a girl I like today.
She's like beautiful.
That's it.
That's it? That's your unique fact? That's just great.
Fascinating, Freddie, thank you for that What about you? I'm Katie and I had Frosties for breakfast.
> < Frosties, that's product placement, in my opinion.
You there at the back beside the wee gay man? > My name's Nathan, and seven members of my immediate family have been on Crimewatch.
Brilliant, what a year this is gonna be > - Kieran? - Yes.
I'm feeling rather shit.
I think I need to go to the nurse's office.
< Oh, yeah? OK.
Go on, then.
Right.
Where were we? Oh, stuff it.
Let's just watch a DVD about Oh, Christ.
How To Be Inclusive.
Holy Mother of divine shite, who makes up this shit? Actually, Kieran, I'm not feeling too well either.
My balls are aching.
I might have to go and see that nurse.
- Right! Bugger off, then.
- Cheers, Kieran.
< See if she can laser Jordan off them.
OK.
Right, how the fuck does this thing? Anyone have a clue? Hey.
Can I be in this class? I don't like mine.
Why not? Make up the numbers.
You doing some A-Levels? - One, please.
Philosophy.
- OK, sit down.
When you've worked out the point of living, come and fucking tell me, OK? Whizzer! Where's Effy? They don't have a nurse.
I just gotta get drugs.
And sex.
SNORING Grab my balls! Grab my balls! MOANING Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! Grab my balls! MOANING AND GRUNTING SCREAMING # Teach me to learn to lose myself # My finger was pricked by someone else # Pull my blood up through a mixer straw # Spread the words all over the neighbour's lawn # Don't cry for sleeping kittens # Cos they won't die today # We'll cover them with flowers # They dream their dreams away # Disconnect the feeling factory # Put your tongue up to my battery # Things are so much smoother when we lie # Crush your cigarettes out on an orange sky # Lose sleep for sleeping children # Throw your branch away # The bees, they buzzed so loudly # That I just couldn't stay # I just couldn't stay # Awaiting an audience # Awaiting an audience # Awaiting an audience # Awaiting an audience #