Sliders s04e13 Episode Script
Lipschitz Live!
You guys see that thing? Colin? Maggie? Remmy? What's going on? It's got you! You know, brother, it occurred to me that if we threw a large mattress into the wormhole ahead of us, it might not hurt so much when we land.
Of course, we might miss the mattress.
That's right, "it's" Lipschitz Live! Hello? Quinn? "This portion of" Lipschitz Live is brought to you by Maggie? Body Slam Malt Liquor.
Rembrandt? For that special occasion, or for no reason at all.
Body Slam is gonna take you down.
That's Body Slam, my friends.
Hi.
It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Yeah, excuse me, I was just wondering Q- Ball! What if you found a portal to a parallel universe? What if you could slide into a thousand different worlds where it's the same year and you're the same person, but everything else is different? And what if you can't find your way home? Come on.
I got it.
Q-Ball , you and I are gonna have one serious talk! Save it.
They're not here.
Come on.
What do you mean, they're not there? We must've got separated.
I got you, Remmy.
Yikes.
Sweet Mary and Joseph.
We must be a mile high.
Somehow, this has to be Quinn's fault.
Okay, Lipschitz Live.
We're back on the air.
There's been an increase in the number of metal implants found in people heads.
Proof of alien abduction, or dental malpractice? You be the judge.
Folks just like you and me, who claim to have been abducted.
Remote viewers, out-of-body travelers, and a man who claims that he is the reincarnation of Nostradamus, but swears that he doesn't remember predicting anything.
And all week, right here "on" Lipschitz Live, "we're" gonna be examining Two hours, fifty minutes.
People, where are you? Aliens, from somewhere out there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Controls.
Yeah.
Push one.
Why I gotta push it? 'Cause you're the man.
Act like one! Jiminy cricket.
Okay, look, we've got red and black here, right? Red means stop.
We're stopped.
Hey, hey, hey.
What? Colin! Colin! Colin! Maggie, Maggie.
What? I'm looking at freaking seagulls up here.
He can't hear you.
Well, push something so we can go up or down! We've gotta get to get to him.
All right, whatever.
Yes, folks, thanks to you, Lipschitz Live "is now" the most watched show in the history of television.
Beamed to our armed forces abroad, to the research teams at the South Pole, and to those hard-working guys aboard the crippled space station MIR, Lipschitz Live sets the pace for our world today.
My next guest has a pug who predicted the big LA quake and the results of last year's Rose Bowl.
Hi, how are you? Welcome.
Thank you.
The dog's name is Excuse me Can't you see this is important? The girl's got a psychic dog.
I'd like a room.
We're booked up.
Booked up? This place is never booked up.
Big corporate wedding.
Well, what about the quake? How did she predict the quake? Fine.
Then I'd like to leave a message for my friends.
She leaped up on the coffee table again Do you have a room? Not according to you.
Then you can't leave a message.
Why not? We're a full-service hotel, but only for guests.
No guest, no service.
Look, I have an agreement with my friends that if we ever get separated, we meet here.
It's kind of important.
Fine.
I'll be at the bar, if you need me.
You think the others made it through? Who can tell? I mean, this whole trip is like no slide we ever had.
You ever get separated before? Yeah, but not like this.
The only other time we ever had a problem was when the wormhole was struck by lightning.
Oh, man.
You think Colin was making his way toward the Chandler? It looked like it.
I just hope we didn't miss the slide window.
"Okay," Lipschitz Live is back on the air.
This just in.
In Los Angeles, the bowling ball Hi.
I'll take a beer.
The cheap kind.
This time, the scene was the Richard Nixon Freeway in Yorba Linda.
An hour and 45.
Come on, guys, where are you? off the back end of flatbed truck Thanks.
People seem to really like that guy.
Are you kidding me? Man, Barry Lipschitz rules.
His show is the only show.
Literally.
but we've been in touch with his agent.
And if and when Now, don't tell me you don't watch it.
we're gonna have it right here on Well, I travel around a lot.
I mostly read.
Books? Yeah.
See, that's the trouble with you kids today, you know that? You read too damn much, you don't watch enough television.
And how do you expect to keep informed on what's going on in the world? Books.
Oh, that's two bucks for the beer and 15 for the drinker's insurance.
We've got Cletis Shepherd.
Could I just charge that to Millenia Media? for being buried alive in a six-by-four wooden box Are you there, Mr.
Shepherd? The voices! The voices! And I'd love to see a menu.
No, no, no, Mr.
Shepherd, it's me.
It's Barry Lipschitz.
Get out of my head! That was delicious.
Thank you.
Good.
Wow, that's a pretty fancy-shmancy clicker you got there.
Excuse me? Get a load of this baby.
Control capabilities include TV, VCR, DVD and LD.
Switchable between IR and EM bands at wide or narrow beam settings at unlimited range.
Ho-ho! Well, your clicker's definitely bigger than my clicker.
And I say that without a trace of male envy.
Huh? Ready for this Lipschitz news flash.
A 10-year-old Webelos Scout in Ashland, Kentucky was revealed today to be a clone.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Can't you see I'm in the middle of this show? Well, excuse me.
I thought you worked here.
I do.
Great.
So, we would like a room, please.
Oh, who wouldn't? Well, actually, we would like a suite.
Sold out.
Sold out? You're never sold out.
People keep saying that, but we are.
No rooms, no suite.
And we're running out of ice.
Okay, look, actually, we're looking for some friends of ours.
Oh, who isn't? Okay, they may already have checked in.
Could you please check the register? We're looking for a Quinn Mallory.
"Okay," Lipschitz Live is back on the air.
No, no, no.
There's a Colin Mallory.
Yeah.
Room 412.
You can use the phone over there.
Great.
All right.
Thanks for, you know, whatever.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Oh, man.
This guy is He's crazy, man! All in the way you hold your mouth.
A few more slides, and we'll all be master burglars.
Did Colin have time to eat Chinese? What a trip.
I just got here, and I'm ready for the slide.
And what is with this television stuff? Nobody seems to be doing anything but watching this Lipschitz guy.
When you saw Colin, did he have a suitcase? Not that I remember.
Must've just bought it.
Yeah, but how did he have time to get this stuff monogrammed? I don't know.
This is expensive, too.
Yeah.
Did he have this much cash? No.
He's still keeping up his taste for high-volume outfits.
Uh-oh, hold it.
Here's a news flash.
They've found another Bat Boy on Long Island.
But right now Hi, I'm Look, we've got no rooms, we've got no suites, we've got no ice, and I haven't seen any of your friends.
And, no, you can't leave a message for them.
Thank you.
All right.
We're back with Duane.
Do you get any grief from the others? Let me ask you something.
Go ahead.
Call me Hal.
Hal? I'm Quinn.
Nice to meet you.
Say you got separated from someone and you needed to find them in a hurry.
You expecting somebody? Yeah, some friends of mine and I got split up and we've got a plane to catch very shortly.
In 92 minutes to be exact.
Well, you guys are kind of cutting it a little bit short, don't you think? Yes.
I was wondering, is there anywhere in town where people congregate? Center of town? Well, I kind of like to hang out at this karaoke bar, you know.
I go there a couple of times a week.
My friends say that my Neil Diamond is not to be believed.
That's great.
But that's really about the only thing I can think of.
I mean, everybody just kind of sits around and watches old, you know, Barry Lipschitz on TV all day.
Is that a man? I do believe that is a man.
Were you always a cross-dresser, Duane? No, not until I started working on a fishing boat.
We'd go out for long periods of time.
It's just a way of bringing, you know, a little touch of home to the boat, you know.
Those are some pretty shoes.
Hope my wife's not watching this.
She'll probably want me to buy them for her.
All of you dressed up? Colin! There you are, Look, we've been chasing you for over an hour.
Hey, hey, don't touch me.
Leave me alone.
What's spooking you? What are you doing? What's your problem, Colin? Colin! Come on, let us through! He's our friend.
Excuse me, what's wrong with you people? Colin.
Colin.
Can we get some help here, please? What are you doing sitting around? Colin? All right, already! What's with the cameras? They're trying to get that $10,000 from "America's" Funniest Fatalities.
Come on, let's go.
Let's ride with him.
Come on.
"Coming up on" Lipschitz Live, we're going to meet a host of very interesting personalities from this world and beyond.
Space aliens.
Inter-dimensional travelers.
Are they really among us? And if so, what do they want? And aren't they an added burden to our already weighted down welfare system? You want to find out, you stay tuned "to" Lipschitz Live.
Hal, this Lipschitz guy, is he really the only thing on TV? Yeah, pretty much.
But, I mean, there's some, you know, there's some educational stuff.
Oh, did you know that you can cut your hair with a vacuum cleaner now? Tell me more about this Lipschitz guy.
Wow, you really are out of the loop, aren't you? All right, well, let's see, he got his name as a reporter for INM during the war with Guam.
Which we, you know, we kicked their butts, by the way.
You better believe it.
Damn Guamians.
Anyhow, after the war, INM merged with TBC.
Now, Global bought TBC, and then they merged that with UniMax, which, of course, that got pulled into the Turnbull Group.
And then that whole thing just got swallowed up by General Comco, and then, well, that guy that everybody thought was the Unabomber, he just went and bought the whole shebang.
And then, of course, he made Lipschitz his star.
I mean, everybody watches him.
Now, how would one go about getting on "Lipschitz Live?" You got a weird story to tell? Sort of.
Well, you know, they just shoot in a theater a few blocks from here.
It's just right around the corner.
It seems, once again, you've been handed the reins, and once again you've disappointed me.
It's not going to be that easy this time, Colin.
Like it or not, as my stepson, you will live up to your obligations.
Stepson? When I married your mother, you became heir-apparent to the Infinicorp dynasty.
Now, I can't tell you how important this whole transaction is.
No.
Of course you don't.
A great deal hinges on you, son.
Our merger with Millenia Media means putting an end to 50 years of brutal warfare.
War? 50 years? Have you been drinking again, son? I've warned you about that.
Now, get dressed and make me proud.
Get dressed into what? Well, I guess that answers that.
Nice work, conning that nurse with your Super Bowl tickets.
Well, of course she won't be able to use them to get into the game on this world, but it got us on this floor.
How is he? No concussion, no broken bones.
He's mildly sedated, but he'll be all right.
Thank God for that.
We gotta get moving.
Colin, wake up.
Colin.
Did he always wear this jewelry? Must've gotten that stuff on this world.
Farm boy always did like shiny things.
Come on, we gotta go, Colin.
Huh? You a friend of my father's? You sure there's no concussion? No, Colin, come on.
We're your friends.
Go get his clothes.
Just how good of a friend of mine are you, toots? Oh.
Snap out of it, Colin.
We have to find Quinn.
We don't know when the next slide window is.
Slide window.
Right.
Whatever works.
Here.
Hey, thanks, homey.
Hey, baby, I'm still a little groggy.
Want to help me on with those pants? But I'm perfect for your show.
I told you, I've got all the guests I need.
Besides, your story, it doesn't have any sex appeal.
Bigger.
Bigger hair.
Sex appeal? Since cable died there's no market for shows about scientific whiz kids who live in their parents' basement and have no life.
I've battled androids, I've met Elvis.
I even met the female version of myself.
Did you have sex with her? The senator, while denying he was drunk, could not explain his nudity.
Sign it.
Sign the book.
You may sit down.
What we have witnessed here today is the beginning of the end.
The conflict is over.
No longer will our efforts be hindered by destructive competition or ruinous price wars.
We can now all push forward as one single corporation.
And remember our motto, "Farmers grow stuff, but we feed the masses.
" The merger is complete.
I now pronounce you one husband, one wife, one family, one corporation.
Congratulations, son.
You're married.
Hey, Dave, how about it, huh? Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! And here he is, the paragon of the airwaves, that titan of television, the most watched, admired and awarded host in the history of worldwide communications, Barry Lipschitz! Lipschitz loves you! Too kind.
You're really too kind.
My friends, and I take that word very seriously, today we have something special.
Something more than just a show.
Something more than just entertainment.
Sure, we like to entertain, we like to inform.
But more than that, most of all, what we really like to do is contribute to the education of what I believe is the most knowledgeable audience in the world today! You! They walk among us.
Or do they? Today, we're going to be talking about aliens, people from other planets, other worlds.
Are they here? And if so, what do they want, and what do they have to tell us? Well, we're hoping that our two guests on the show, ladies and gentlemen, will clear up the answers to those questions.
First, I'd like you to meet and greet, on live, on Lipschitz, Mr.
Arnold Potts! Bring him on! Be self-reliant and multiply.
Well, thanks, Arnie.
Same to you.
Sit down and get a life.
Okay, Mr.
Potts' claim, let me see if I get this straight, folks, Mr.
Potts' claim is that he is not really here at all.
I am not here at all.
Ooh.
He is a pan-galactic traveler who can project his image anywhere in the cosmos.
Good.
Love the suit.
Okay, our next guest, bring him on with a warm welcome, is Mr.
Quinn Mallory, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, come on.
Oh, man, look, look! I know that guy! I was rude to him! I'll be damned.
He's a good friend of mine.
Yeah.
Now, Mr.
Mallory is a slider.
Is that right? He slides between those parallel dimensions.
Is that right? Yes, Barry.
The guy is an obvious phony.
Well, why do you say that, Potts? He's a media grabber.
He's in it for the 15 minutes of fame.
Look at him.
He doesn't even have an outfit.
Uh-huh.
Hey.
Yep, yep.
Come on, he's got a point there.
He has a point.
Mr.
Mallory, tell me, when you make these slides between parallel dimensions, do you slide in your street clothes? Yes.
I've made calculations that prove conclusively that the G-forces generated by trans-dimensional traverse would cause the subject's eyes to explode.
That is why I wear these.
All right! All right! Love the suit.
So tell us why you're here, Mr.
Mallory.
Well, Barry, it's kind of like this.
Colin! Maggie! Remmy! Come on down to KKRP! We slide in an hour! What is he doing? One hour! We slide! That's what he's doing.
Leave it to Q-Ball.
Friend of yours? Please stand by.
Yeah, and of yours.
Let's go.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Where are you taking me? Far, far away.
You mean, like out of the city? At least.
Come on.
Lead on, baby cakes.
I'll give you baby cakes.
That's a feisty broad.
I don't know exactly how to tell you this.
Especially considering that a woman's wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
It grieves me to Put a sock in it, Colin.
Let's just get this over with.
But that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I'm not Colin.
I mean, I am Colin.
I'm just not your Colin.
Now, is that the best that you can do? Absolutely.
You know, look, I don't want this marriage any more than you do.
But like it or not, the corporate dynasties continue through our bloodlines.
It's a curse of birth.
But that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I wasn't born here.
I'm from a parallel dimension.
Have you been drinking again? You know, I've warned you about that.
Look, I know it's hard to believe, but my friends and I come from one parallel world to another.
Your Colin must be my alternate on this world.
Did you try that line on your father? My father's dead.
Look, you know, I know you hate MacArthur, but really.
I don't hate MacArthur.
I don't even know him.
Besides, he seems to be trying to do what is best for his family.
And his son.
He doesn't care about you.
His sole focus has been to create the biggest corporate dynasty in the world.
Indeed.
And what an incredible legacy to leave to one's children.
My father tried to do the same.
Although a two-room cabin, four cows and some chickens isn't much of a dynasty.
All right, fine, delude yourself.
But some day the illiterate serfs will be outside the gate and you will finally understand what's going on here.
Hey, look, it's too bad my counterpart can't fully appreciate the value of the effort, or the value of having a father still around to share it.
But back to the matter at hand.
I have to find my friends.
All right, forget your friends.
Call in the lawyers.
Lawyers? Yes, they're in the hall.
Don't look so surprised.
They must be present at the consummation to verify the merger.
You know that.
Huh? Colin, come out of there.
What is with you? I know for a fact that you are not shy.
You know, Bernie and Hal have witnessed a lot of mergers.
Colin? I was gonna be the only guest on this show today.
This charlatan demeans the very concept of inter-dimensional voyaging! Yeah, yeah! All right, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
That's a point, Mallory.
Come on, tell us.
Are you a charlatan, or what? No, no.
Okay, okay.
The only reason I am here is to be reunited with my companions so we can move from this Earth to the next.
Now, my timer states that I only have 45 minutes.
Listen, listen! Now, my timer says that we have 45 minutes left here before we slide.
So Remmy, Maggie and Colin, please come down.
Colin, come out of there.
You call that a timer? Colin, get out.
That's a timer.
That's a timer.
Get that out of my face.
You broke my timer! I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Look at this! Come here, everybody.
All right! All right! Colin? Colin? Marley's ghost! Colin? Come on.
Come on, Colin, get out of there.
Come on, Colin, get out.
Colin? Colin, come out of there.
Colin! Take your pick.
A thousand dollars off, or 3.
9 percent APR.
Hundreds of beautiful used cars in stock, some with guarantees.
Oh, great.
Everything must go.
We'll have to get another cab, if we can find one.
The Hilton runs an airport shuttle every 30 minutes.
Why would we go to the airport? We're going to KKRP.
And what's with the smoking? Hey, you don't smoke.
3.
9.
What a deal! Oh, yeah, that's right.
I don't smoke.
Sorry.
So do you think we can get a move on? I think we should get to the airport.
People might be looking for us.
Okay, we're back So, Potts, you would have us believe that you can dematerialize.
That somehow the atoms in your body vaporize into molecules which are then magically transported to another plane.
There's no magic involved.
I deatomize here, and I reatomize somewhere else.
Well, I'm sure we'd all like to see that.
Wouldn't you, Mr.
Mallory? I don't think you can call what I do deatomizing.
Okay? I jump into a vortex, a wormhole that takes me through a tunnel that leads to another dimension, another world.
Well, I'm sure we'd all like to see that, too, wouldn't we? Maybe you will, wise guy.
Maybe you will.
Uh-huh.
You know, R.
J.
, I never thought this day would ever come.
I didn't think my kid had it in him.
But from now on, the sky's the limit.
Commemorative plates, spoons, action figures.
Tomorrow on the Lipschitz Book Club, our panel of reviewers are going to take a look at the controversial new bestseller Satan: What's the Big Deal? That's tomorrow on the Lipschitz Book Club.
We'll get back to these nut bars in a minute.
But first a news update from the Lipschitz Action Desk.
This just handed to me.
A new age in American corporate culture was born today, when the heirs to two rival conglomerates were joined in matrimony.
Colin Mallory of Infinicorp and Roxanne Crane of Millenia Media were merged in a ceremony at the Chandler Hotel.
I'm a free man! We've got the wrong Colin.
Yeah.
Now, we have exclusive word that, that merger is about to be consummated at this very moment, so we're going to take our cameras live to the bridal suite at the Chandler.
Oh.
Okay, well, there seems to be a delay in the action.
But you can be sure when that merger is about to be consummated, Lipschitz Live "is" going to be there with our cameras.
And by the way, I do smoke.
Who the devil are you, and where's our friend? Hey, get your hands off me.
Like the man said, Colin Mallory married Roxanne Crane.
And I hope they'll be very happy.
That was supposed to be you.
Yeah, well, it's some other lucky guy.
Your friend, or whatever.
How did you manage to get him to take your place? I swear I had nothing to do with it.
It just happened.
Maybe it's for the best.
I was trying to get out of it, and now he married a great girl.
Yeah.
And from the way I see it, a lot of money.
Say what? Yeah.
If our friend takes your place, then he gets everything you were going to get.
And you get nothing.
Yeah, well, maybe there's time to change it back.
Yo, taxi! How much time do you think we've got? Quinn said 45 minutes, Which is not a lot of time to hit the hotel, pick up our Colin, dump this Colin off, and get to the studio in time for the slide.
Chandler Hotel, please.
You call that number, and you tell them Barry told you this machine is the very best.
Hey, I've got something for you on this special occasion.
A William Shatner novel.
First edition.
But isn't there something we've been ignoring, gentlemen? Huh? Isn't there a big, burning question that concerns all of us, when it comes to you aliens, or sliders, or whatever you clowns want to call yourselves? Huh? Isn't there? All right, all right, all right.
What about the swelling welfare rolls, huh? That's right.
What happens when one of you space clowns breaks his leg? Who is gonna pay your hospital bills, huh? Huh? All right, wait a minute.
What happens when one of you guys takes a high-paying job on this Earth? Are you not, indeed, taking the bread out of mouths of decent, hard-working Americans right here? Huh? Huh? Yeah.
All right, hold it.
We'll get back to that subject in a minute.
But first, these announcements about upcoming shows on "Lipschitz Live.
" I was just bird-watching.
Oh, my God.
It seems to me your father and MacArthur Mallory are most insistent that this consummation take place.
Are you hurt? Only my pride.
And maybe this ankle.
I'm sorry to have spurned you.
I hope you're not insulted.
Believe me, it's nothing personal.
I think you're very beautiful.
And any man would be honored to merge with you.
You really are different, aren't you? So I've been told by more people than you realize.
Look, I'm sorry to have put you through this.
But you just look so much like him.
Then you believe me? Well, I'm not sure I buy this whole parallel world story.
But I have never known Colin Mallory to turn down sex, and I've never seen him display this sort of feelings towards his father that I have seen in you.
Then, will you help me? I have to get somewhere, and I haven't got much time.
What's your hurry? Stay with me.
You know, being rich is a pretty good deal.
But I'm not your Colin.
I know.
But I like you better.
You're very sweet.
You're much like Colin was maybe eight, 10 years ago.
I'm flattered.
Unfortunately, I think you might find me inadequate.
I'm not very experienced.
I was counting on that.
And I have other obligations.
I was utterly perplexed.
I had never seen a wormhole go unstable before That's my brother.
And I must get to him as soon as possible.
Can you help me? Because of this world's extensive television system.
Sure.
Come on.
The RF radiation that was emitted in the EM spectrum totally threw off the magnetic anchoring point of the wormhole, therefore sending us into a state of spatial flux.
Did I mention that I met the female version of myself? Oh, hey.
Did you have sex with her? Did you? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah! Did you? Now, well, that's more like the happy couple that I know.
So, where are you two off to? Station KKRP.
What on earth for? To buy it.
Yeah.
We realized there are still a lot of independent stations that have not yet joined our empire, so we thought we'd buy KKRP as a wedding present to each other.
Good thinking.
Son, I had you figured all wrong.
Hey, why don't you guys take the limo and go in style? And while we're at it, I think we'll buy that channel that shows nothing but science fiction programming.
Come along, dear.
The guy's a phony! The guy's a phony! You can't astral-project in a sweater vest! Maggie, Colin, Remmy! Come down to KKRP right now! He's a phony! Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
You watch Lipschitz.
You never miss an episode, you think you've seen it all, the flying chairs, the transvestite cat fights, the on-stage shoot-outs, but you haven't seen it all "until you've seen" Lipschitz: Too Hot for TV.
A never before seen plus the infamous comedian episode.
You haven't seen Lipschitz Keep the change.
until you've seen Lipschitz: Too Hot For TV.
Order your own copy for only What's going on? Who is this guy? Where's Roxanne? Colin, so help me, if this is another one of your half-baked Where are they? Who? Roxanne and that imposter.
Imposter? What are you talking about? They're not here.
The bridal suite is empty, but that crazy talk show is on.
Then Colin must've got the message.
Great.
So it looks like he'll make the slide.
The question is, will we? We need a car now.
I'm taking the limo, Dad.
I just gave you a limo so you could buy a television station.
That wasn't me.
I don't understand.
That was your Colin's exact duplicate.
Actually, it was our Colin, and we want him back.
And I want Roxanne back.
And the money, too.
Look, we could take a cab.
No, no, no, I don't take cabs.
We'll buy another limo.
Perfect.
All right, so let me get this straight.
Now, you moved an entire population from one world to another? No.
Not exactly.
That would be going against the Prime Directive.
You can't travel to other worlds and interfere with their cultures.
What are you talking about? There is no Prime Directive.
Maybe that's in your universe.
There are strict rules to inter-dimensional behavior.
You are really starting to piss me off! Hey! Are we loving this? Oh, yeah? Come on, let's hear it for them, huh? Huh? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, good grief! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can I see your producer, please? Can I help you? I produce "Lipschitz Live.
" Yeah, let us in.
We own this show.
Which means we own you.
Wait, aren't you The big merger, today? Yeah, Colin Mallory, corporate magnate.
And this is my mergee.
Oh, oh, go right in.
I'm sure Barry will want you on the show right after these sliders.
So how much time, you think? Less than 10.
That's pushing it.
Mmm-hmm.
Not getting cold feet, are you, son? I never really got along with Roxanne's family.
And frankly, she hates me.
Hate? That's a harsh word.
Resentment is probably what she feels.
Besides, this is business.
You don't have to get along with people you're in business with.
That's what it's all about.
Business.
Somehow, I always thought when I got married, it would be, well, more romantic.
Romantic? You been talking to your mother again? All right, let me ask you this.
How much time until your next slide? I have got a minute and change.
How about you, disco ball boy? Oh, I'll be moving on shortly.
Oh, so you're gonna slide away, too, huh, Potts? I prefer the term astral projection.
Excuse me, people, coming through.
Important people.
Move it.
Come on, toots, shake a leg.
Where's the producer? I'm Colin Mallory.
I own this place.
We've already got a Colin Mallory.
What are you talking about? I'm the real one.
Will you just let us in? I can explain everything.
Well, almost everything.
If you really want a show, why not have another Colin Mallory? Listen, this is Colin Mallory's identical twin.
Kidnapped at birth.
Raised by dolphins.
Just let us in.
All right, all right, all right.
Go, go right in.
What is this? You'll see, freak.
Thanks for believing in me and helping me.
I really do wish you were my Colin.
I do, too.
In a way.
I gotta go.
Folks, seriously, I am leaving in less than a minute, alone.
And I just would like to say goodbye.
To my friends, to my brother.
I'm coming with you, bro! Hey, hey, who's this? Another slider? Hey, Q-Ball.
Don't leave without us, bro! What do we have here? We have a weirdo slider reunion! Hey, how about that! Those crazy sliders.
I tell you.
Hey.
Yo.
Hey, it's a "Lipschitz" first! Colin! Roxanne, I That's his other brother? Hey, what's with Colin and the gold? Oh, it's a long story.
I'm getting married.
Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Oh, man, I can't believe this! Hey, come here, guys! Cheese and crackers.
They said it couldn't happen, but it did! Trans-dimensional travel! Four people transported from one plane to another.
And you saw it on "Lipschitz Live!" Amazing.
So, can we get this marriage contract changed? I think so.
The lawyers didn't witness the consummation.
Hey, there was no consummation.
Was there? You didn't do anything with that guy, did you, Roxanne? No.
Then, can't we get married? I hope so.
But is this really a happy ending? Stay tuned and find out, because this young lady could be married to an alien in another dimension.
What happens if that guy comes back? There's only one way to find out.
You gotta keep watching "Lipschitz Live!" Come on!
Of course, we might miss the mattress.
That's right, "it's" Lipschitz Live! Hello? Quinn? "This portion of" Lipschitz Live is brought to you by Maggie? Body Slam Malt Liquor.
Rembrandt? For that special occasion, or for no reason at all.
Body Slam is gonna take you down.
That's Body Slam, my friends.
Hi.
It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Yeah, excuse me, I was just wondering Q- Ball! What if you found a portal to a parallel universe? What if you could slide into a thousand different worlds where it's the same year and you're the same person, but everything else is different? And what if you can't find your way home? Come on.
I got it.
Q-Ball , you and I are gonna have one serious talk! Save it.
They're not here.
Come on.
What do you mean, they're not there? We must've got separated.
I got you, Remmy.
Yikes.
Sweet Mary and Joseph.
We must be a mile high.
Somehow, this has to be Quinn's fault.
Okay, Lipschitz Live.
We're back on the air.
There's been an increase in the number of metal implants found in people heads.
Proof of alien abduction, or dental malpractice? You be the judge.
Folks just like you and me, who claim to have been abducted.
Remote viewers, out-of-body travelers, and a man who claims that he is the reincarnation of Nostradamus, but swears that he doesn't remember predicting anything.
And all week, right here "on" Lipschitz Live, "we're" gonna be examining Two hours, fifty minutes.
People, where are you? Aliens, from somewhere out there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Controls.
Yeah.
Push one.
Why I gotta push it? 'Cause you're the man.
Act like one! Jiminy cricket.
Okay, look, we've got red and black here, right? Red means stop.
We're stopped.
Hey, hey, hey.
What? Colin! Colin! Colin! Maggie, Maggie.
What? I'm looking at freaking seagulls up here.
He can't hear you.
Well, push something so we can go up or down! We've gotta get to get to him.
All right, whatever.
Yes, folks, thanks to you, Lipschitz Live "is now" the most watched show in the history of television.
Beamed to our armed forces abroad, to the research teams at the South Pole, and to those hard-working guys aboard the crippled space station MIR, Lipschitz Live sets the pace for our world today.
My next guest has a pug who predicted the big LA quake and the results of last year's Rose Bowl.
Hi, how are you? Welcome.
Thank you.
The dog's name is Excuse me Can't you see this is important? The girl's got a psychic dog.
I'd like a room.
We're booked up.
Booked up? This place is never booked up.
Big corporate wedding.
Well, what about the quake? How did she predict the quake? Fine.
Then I'd like to leave a message for my friends.
She leaped up on the coffee table again Do you have a room? Not according to you.
Then you can't leave a message.
Why not? We're a full-service hotel, but only for guests.
No guest, no service.
Look, I have an agreement with my friends that if we ever get separated, we meet here.
It's kind of important.
Fine.
I'll be at the bar, if you need me.
You think the others made it through? Who can tell? I mean, this whole trip is like no slide we ever had.
You ever get separated before? Yeah, but not like this.
The only other time we ever had a problem was when the wormhole was struck by lightning.
Oh, man.
You think Colin was making his way toward the Chandler? It looked like it.
I just hope we didn't miss the slide window.
"Okay," Lipschitz Live is back on the air.
This just in.
In Los Angeles, the bowling ball Hi.
I'll take a beer.
The cheap kind.
This time, the scene was the Richard Nixon Freeway in Yorba Linda.
An hour and 45.
Come on, guys, where are you? off the back end of flatbed truck Thanks.
People seem to really like that guy.
Are you kidding me? Man, Barry Lipschitz rules.
His show is the only show.
Literally.
but we've been in touch with his agent.
And if and when Now, don't tell me you don't watch it.
we're gonna have it right here on Well, I travel around a lot.
I mostly read.
Books? Yeah.
See, that's the trouble with you kids today, you know that? You read too damn much, you don't watch enough television.
And how do you expect to keep informed on what's going on in the world? Books.
Oh, that's two bucks for the beer and 15 for the drinker's insurance.
We've got Cletis Shepherd.
Could I just charge that to Millenia Media? for being buried alive in a six-by-four wooden box Are you there, Mr.
Shepherd? The voices! The voices! And I'd love to see a menu.
No, no, no, Mr.
Shepherd, it's me.
It's Barry Lipschitz.
Get out of my head! That was delicious.
Thank you.
Good.
Wow, that's a pretty fancy-shmancy clicker you got there.
Excuse me? Get a load of this baby.
Control capabilities include TV, VCR, DVD and LD.
Switchable between IR and EM bands at wide or narrow beam settings at unlimited range.
Ho-ho! Well, your clicker's definitely bigger than my clicker.
And I say that without a trace of male envy.
Huh? Ready for this Lipschitz news flash.
A 10-year-old Webelos Scout in Ashland, Kentucky was revealed today to be a clone.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Can't you see I'm in the middle of this show? Well, excuse me.
I thought you worked here.
I do.
Great.
So, we would like a room, please.
Oh, who wouldn't? Well, actually, we would like a suite.
Sold out.
Sold out? You're never sold out.
People keep saying that, but we are.
No rooms, no suite.
And we're running out of ice.
Okay, look, actually, we're looking for some friends of ours.
Oh, who isn't? Okay, they may already have checked in.
Could you please check the register? We're looking for a Quinn Mallory.
"Okay," Lipschitz Live is back on the air.
No, no, no.
There's a Colin Mallory.
Yeah.
Room 412.
You can use the phone over there.
Great.
All right.
Thanks for, you know, whatever.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Oh, man.
This guy is He's crazy, man! All in the way you hold your mouth.
A few more slides, and we'll all be master burglars.
Did Colin have time to eat Chinese? What a trip.
I just got here, and I'm ready for the slide.
And what is with this television stuff? Nobody seems to be doing anything but watching this Lipschitz guy.
When you saw Colin, did he have a suitcase? Not that I remember.
Must've just bought it.
Yeah, but how did he have time to get this stuff monogrammed? I don't know.
This is expensive, too.
Yeah.
Did he have this much cash? No.
He's still keeping up his taste for high-volume outfits.
Uh-oh, hold it.
Here's a news flash.
They've found another Bat Boy on Long Island.
But right now Hi, I'm Look, we've got no rooms, we've got no suites, we've got no ice, and I haven't seen any of your friends.
And, no, you can't leave a message for them.
Thank you.
All right.
We're back with Duane.
Do you get any grief from the others? Let me ask you something.
Go ahead.
Call me Hal.
Hal? I'm Quinn.
Nice to meet you.
Say you got separated from someone and you needed to find them in a hurry.
You expecting somebody? Yeah, some friends of mine and I got split up and we've got a plane to catch very shortly.
In 92 minutes to be exact.
Well, you guys are kind of cutting it a little bit short, don't you think? Yes.
I was wondering, is there anywhere in town where people congregate? Center of town? Well, I kind of like to hang out at this karaoke bar, you know.
I go there a couple of times a week.
My friends say that my Neil Diamond is not to be believed.
That's great.
But that's really about the only thing I can think of.
I mean, everybody just kind of sits around and watches old, you know, Barry Lipschitz on TV all day.
Is that a man? I do believe that is a man.
Were you always a cross-dresser, Duane? No, not until I started working on a fishing boat.
We'd go out for long periods of time.
It's just a way of bringing, you know, a little touch of home to the boat, you know.
Those are some pretty shoes.
Hope my wife's not watching this.
She'll probably want me to buy them for her.
All of you dressed up? Colin! There you are, Look, we've been chasing you for over an hour.
Hey, hey, don't touch me.
Leave me alone.
What's spooking you? What are you doing? What's your problem, Colin? Colin! Come on, let us through! He's our friend.
Excuse me, what's wrong with you people? Colin.
Colin.
Can we get some help here, please? What are you doing sitting around? Colin? All right, already! What's with the cameras? They're trying to get that $10,000 from "America's" Funniest Fatalities.
Come on, let's go.
Let's ride with him.
Come on.
"Coming up on" Lipschitz Live, we're going to meet a host of very interesting personalities from this world and beyond.
Space aliens.
Inter-dimensional travelers.
Are they really among us? And if so, what do they want? And aren't they an added burden to our already weighted down welfare system? You want to find out, you stay tuned "to" Lipschitz Live.
Hal, this Lipschitz guy, is he really the only thing on TV? Yeah, pretty much.
But, I mean, there's some, you know, there's some educational stuff.
Oh, did you know that you can cut your hair with a vacuum cleaner now? Tell me more about this Lipschitz guy.
Wow, you really are out of the loop, aren't you? All right, well, let's see, he got his name as a reporter for INM during the war with Guam.
Which we, you know, we kicked their butts, by the way.
You better believe it.
Damn Guamians.
Anyhow, after the war, INM merged with TBC.
Now, Global bought TBC, and then they merged that with UniMax, which, of course, that got pulled into the Turnbull Group.
And then that whole thing just got swallowed up by General Comco, and then, well, that guy that everybody thought was the Unabomber, he just went and bought the whole shebang.
And then, of course, he made Lipschitz his star.
I mean, everybody watches him.
Now, how would one go about getting on "Lipschitz Live?" You got a weird story to tell? Sort of.
Well, you know, they just shoot in a theater a few blocks from here.
It's just right around the corner.
It seems, once again, you've been handed the reins, and once again you've disappointed me.
It's not going to be that easy this time, Colin.
Like it or not, as my stepson, you will live up to your obligations.
Stepson? When I married your mother, you became heir-apparent to the Infinicorp dynasty.
Now, I can't tell you how important this whole transaction is.
No.
Of course you don't.
A great deal hinges on you, son.
Our merger with Millenia Media means putting an end to 50 years of brutal warfare.
War? 50 years? Have you been drinking again, son? I've warned you about that.
Now, get dressed and make me proud.
Get dressed into what? Well, I guess that answers that.
Nice work, conning that nurse with your Super Bowl tickets.
Well, of course she won't be able to use them to get into the game on this world, but it got us on this floor.
How is he? No concussion, no broken bones.
He's mildly sedated, but he'll be all right.
Thank God for that.
We gotta get moving.
Colin, wake up.
Colin.
Did he always wear this jewelry? Must've gotten that stuff on this world.
Farm boy always did like shiny things.
Come on, we gotta go, Colin.
Huh? You a friend of my father's? You sure there's no concussion? No, Colin, come on.
We're your friends.
Go get his clothes.
Just how good of a friend of mine are you, toots? Oh.
Snap out of it, Colin.
We have to find Quinn.
We don't know when the next slide window is.
Slide window.
Right.
Whatever works.
Here.
Hey, thanks, homey.
Hey, baby, I'm still a little groggy.
Want to help me on with those pants? But I'm perfect for your show.
I told you, I've got all the guests I need.
Besides, your story, it doesn't have any sex appeal.
Bigger.
Bigger hair.
Sex appeal? Since cable died there's no market for shows about scientific whiz kids who live in their parents' basement and have no life.
I've battled androids, I've met Elvis.
I even met the female version of myself.
Did you have sex with her? The senator, while denying he was drunk, could not explain his nudity.
Sign it.
Sign the book.
You may sit down.
What we have witnessed here today is the beginning of the end.
The conflict is over.
No longer will our efforts be hindered by destructive competition or ruinous price wars.
We can now all push forward as one single corporation.
And remember our motto, "Farmers grow stuff, but we feed the masses.
" The merger is complete.
I now pronounce you one husband, one wife, one family, one corporation.
Congratulations, son.
You're married.
Hey, Dave, how about it, huh? Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! And here he is, the paragon of the airwaves, that titan of television, the most watched, admired and awarded host in the history of worldwide communications, Barry Lipschitz! Lipschitz loves you! Too kind.
You're really too kind.
My friends, and I take that word very seriously, today we have something special.
Something more than just a show.
Something more than just entertainment.
Sure, we like to entertain, we like to inform.
But more than that, most of all, what we really like to do is contribute to the education of what I believe is the most knowledgeable audience in the world today! You! They walk among us.
Or do they? Today, we're going to be talking about aliens, people from other planets, other worlds.
Are they here? And if so, what do they want, and what do they have to tell us? Well, we're hoping that our two guests on the show, ladies and gentlemen, will clear up the answers to those questions.
First, I'd like you to meet and greet, on live, on Lipschitz, Mr.
Arnold Potts! Bring him on! Be self-reliant and multiply.
Well, thanks, Arnie.
Same to you.
Sit down and get a life.
Okay, Mr.
Potts' claim, let me see if I get this straight, folks, Mr.
Potts' claim is that he is not really here at all.
I am not here at all.
Ooh.
He is a pan-galactic traveler who can project his image anywhere in the cosmos.
Good.
Love the suit.
Okay, our next guest, bring him on with a warm welcome, is Mr.
Quinn Mallory, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, come on.
Oh, man, look, look! I know that guy! I was rude to him! I'll be damned.
He's a good friend of mine.
Yeah.
Now, Mr.
Mallory is a slider.
Is that right? He slides between those parallel dimensions.
Is that right? Yes, Barry.
The guy is an obvious phony.
Well, why do you say that, Potts? He's a media grabber.
He's in it for the 15 minutes of fame.
Look at him.
He doesn't even have an outfit.
Uh-huh.
Hey.
Yep, yep.
Come on, he's got a point there.
He has a point.
Mr.
Mallory, tell me, when you make these slides between parallel dimensions, do you slide in your street clothes? Yes.
I've made calculations that prove conclusively that the G-forces generated by trans-dimensional traverse would cause the subject's eyes to explode.
That is why I wear these.
All right! All right! Love the suit.
So tell us why you're here, Mr.
Mallory.
Well, Barry, it's kind of like this.
Colin! Maggie! Remmy! Come on down to KKRP! We slide in an hour! What is he doing? One hour! We slide! That's what he's doing.
Leave it to Q-Ball.
Friend of yours? Please stand by.
Yeah, and of yours.
Let's go.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Where are you taking me? Far, far away.
You mean, like out of the city? At least.
Come on.
Lead on, baby cakes.
I'll give you baby cakes.
That's a feisty broad.
I don't know exactly how to tell you this.
Especially considering that a woman's wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
It grieves me to Put a sock in it, Colin.
Let's just get this over with.
But that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I'm not Colin.
I mean, I am Colin.
I'm just not your Colin.
Now, is that the best that you can do? Absolutely.
You know, look, I don't want this marriage any more than you do.
But like it or not, the corporate dynasties continue through our bloodlines.
It's a curse of birth.
But that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I wasn't born here.
I'm from a parallel dimension.
Have you been drinking again? You know, I've warned you about that.
Look, I know it's hard to believe, but my friends and I come from one parallel world to another.
Your Colin must be my alternate on this world.
Did you try that line on your father? My father's dead.
Look, you know, I know you hate MacArthur, but really.
I don't hate MacArthur.
I don't even know him.
Besides, he seems to be trying to do what is best for his family.
And his son.
He doesn't care about you.
His sole focus has been to create the biggest corporate dynasty in the world.
Indeed.
And what an incredible legacy to leave to one's children.
My father tried to do the same.
Although a two-room cabin, four cows and some chickens isn't much of a dynasty.
All right, fine, delude yourself.
But some day the illiterate serfs will be outside the gate and you will finally understand what's going on here.
Hey, look, it's too bad my counterpart can't fully appreciate the value of the effort, or the value of having a father still around to share it.
But back to the matter at hand.
I have to find my friends.
All right, forget your friends.
Call in the lawyers.
Lawyers? Yes, they're in the hall.
Don't look so surprised.
They must be present at the consummation to verify the merger.
You know that.
Huh? Colin, come out of there.
What is with you? I know for a fact that you are not shy.
You know, Bernie and Hal have witnessed a lot of mergers.
Colin? I was gonna be the only guest on this show today.
This charlatan demeans the very concept of inter-dimensional voyaging! Yeah, yeah! All right, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
That's a point, Mallory.
Come on, tell us.
Are you a charlatan, or what? No, no.
Okay, okay.
The only reason I am here is to be reunited with my companions so we can move from this Earth to the next.
Now, my timer states that I only have 45 minutes.
Listen, listen! Now, my timer says that we have 45 minutes left here before we slide.
So Remmy, Maggie and Colin, please come down.
Colin, come out of there.
You call that a timer? Colin, get out.
That's a timer.
That's a timer.
Get that out of my face.
You broke my timer! I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Look at this! Come here, everybody.
All right! All right! Colin? Colin? Marley's ghost! Colin? Come on.
Come on, Colin, get out of there.
Come on, Colin, get out.
Colin? Colin, come out of there.
Colin! Take your pick.
A thousand dollars off, or 3.
9 percent APR.
Hundreds of beautiful used cars in stock, some with guarantees.
Oh, great.
Everything must go.
We'll have to get another cab, if we can find one.
The Hilton runs an airport shuttle every 30 minutes.
Why would we go to the airport? We're going to KKRP.
And what's with the smoking? Hey, you don't smoke.
3.
9.
What a deal! Oh, yeah, that's right.
I don't smoke.
Sorry.
So do you think we can get a move on? I think we should get to the airport.
People might be looking for us.
Okay, we're back So, Potts, you would have us believe that you can dematerialize.
That somehow the atoms in your body vaporize into molecules which are then magically transported to another plane.
There's no magic involved.
I deatomize here, and I reatomize somewhere else.
Well, I'm sure we'd all like to see that.
Wouldn't you, Mr.
Mallory? I don't think you can call what I do deatomizing.
Okay? I jump into a vortex, a wormhole that takes me through a tunnel that leads to another dimension, another world.
Well, I'm sure we'd all like to see that, too, wouldn't we? Maybe you will, wise guy.
Maybe you will.
Uh-huh.
You know, R.
J.
, I never thought this day would ever come.
I didn't think my kid had it in him.
But from now on, the sky's the limit.
Commemorative plates, spoons, action figures.
Tomorrow on the Lipschitz Book Club, our panel of reviewers are going to take a look at the controversial new bestseller Satan: What's the Big Deal? That's tomorrow on the Lipschitz Book Club.
We'll get back to these nut bars in a minute.
But first a news update from the Lipschitz Action Desk.
This just handed to me.
A new age in American corporate culture was born today, when the heirs to two rival conglomerates were joined in matrimony.
Colin Mallory of Infinicorp and Roxanne Crane of Millenia Media were merged in a ceremony at the Chandler Hotel.
I'm a free man! We've got the wrong Colin.
Yeah.
Now, we have exclusive word that, that merger is about to be consummated at this very moment, so we're going to take our cameras live to the bridal suite at the Chandler.
Oh.
Okay, well, there seems to be a delay in the action.
But you can be sure when that merger is about to be consummated, Lipschitz Live "is" going to be there with our cameras.
And by the way, I do smoke.
Who the devil are you, and where's our friend? Hey, get your hands off me.
Like the man said, Colin Mallory married Roxanne Crane.
And I hope they'll be very happy.
That was supposed to be you.
Yeah, well, it's some other lucky guy.
Your friend, or whatever.
How did you manage to get him to take your place? I swear I had nothing to do with it.
It just happened.
Maybe it's for the best.
I was trying to get out of it, and now he married a great girl.
Yeah.
And from the way I see it, a lot of money.
Say what? Yeah.
If our friend takes your place, then he gets everything you were going to get.
And you get nothing.
Yeah, well, maybe there's time to change it back.
Yo, taxi! How much time do you think we've got? Quinn said 45 minutes, Which is not a lot of time to hit the hotel, pick up our Colin, dump this Colin off, and get to the studio in time for the slide.
Chandler Hotel, please.
You call that number, and you tell them Barry told you this machine is the very best.
Hey, I've got something for you on this special occasion.
A William Shatner novel.
First edition.
But isn't there something we've been ignoring, gentlemen? Huh? Isn't there a big, burning question that concerns all of us, when it comes to you aliens, or sliders, or whatever you clowns want to call yourselves? Huh? Isn't there? All right, all right, all right.
What about the swelling welfare rolls, huh? That's right.
What happens when one of you space clowns breaks his leg? Who is gonna pay your hospital bills, huh? Huh? All right, wait a minute.
What happens when one of you guys takes a high-paying job on this Earth? Are you not, indeed, taking the bread out of mouths of decent, hard-working Americans right here? Huh? Huh? Yeah.
All right, hold it.
We'll get back to that subject in a minute.
But first, these announcements about upcoming shows on "Lipschitz Live.
" I was just bird-watching.
Oh, my God.
It seems to me your father and MacArthur Mallory are most insistent that this consummation take place.
Are you hurt? Only my pride.
And maybe this ankle.
I'm sorry to have spurned you.
I hope you're not insulted.
Believe me, it's nothing personal.
I think you're very beautiful.
And any man would be honored to merge with you.
You really are different, aren't you? So I've been told by more people than you realize.
Look, I'm sorry to have put you through this.
But you just look so much like him.
Then you believe me? Well, I'm not sure I buy this whole parallel world story.
But I have never known Colin Mallory to turn down sex, and I've never seen him display this sort of feelings towards his father that I have seen in you.
Then, will you help me? I have to get somewhere, and I haven't got much time.
What's your hurry? Stay with me.
You know, being rich is a pretty good deal.
But I'm not your Colin.
I know.
But I like you better.
You're very sweet.
You're much like Colin was maybe eight, 10 years ago.
I'm flattered.
Unfortunately, I think you might find me inadequate.
I'm not very experienced.
I was counting on that.
And I have other obligations.
I was utterly perplexed.
I had never seen a wormhole go unstable before That's my brother.
And I must get to him as soon as possible.
Can you help me? Because of this world's extensive television system.
Sure.
Come on.
The RF radiation that was emitted in the EM spectrum totally threw off the magnetic anchoring point of the wormhole, therefore sending us into a state of spatial flux.
Did I mention that I met the female version of myself? Oh, hey.
Did you have sex with her? Did you? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah! Did you? Now, well, that's more like the happy couple that I know.
So, where are you two off to? Station KKRP.
What on earth for? To buy it.
Yeah.
We realized there are still a lot of independent stations that have not yet joined our empire, so we thought we'd buy KKRP as a wedding present to each other.
Good thinking.
Son, I had you figured all wrong.
Hey, why don't you guys take the limo and go in style? And while we're at it, I think we'll buy that channel that shows nothing but science fiction programming.
Come along, dear.
The guy's a phony! The guy's a phony! You can't astral-project in a sweater vest! Maggie, Colin, Remmy! Come down to KKRP right now! He's a phony! Don't go away.
I'll be right back.
You watch Lipschitz.
You never miss an episode, you think you've seen it all, the flying chairs, the transvestite cat fights, the on-stage shoot-outs, but you haven't seen it all "until you've seen" Lipschitz: Too Hot for TV.
A never before seen plus the infamous comedian episode.
You haven't seen Lipschitz Keep the change.
until you've seen Lipschitz: Too Hot For TV.
Order your own copy for only What's going on? Who is this guy? Where's Roxanne? Colin, so help me, if this is another one of your half-baked Where are they? Who? Roxanne and that imposter.
Imposter? What are you talking about? They're not here.
The bridal suite is empty, but that crazy talk show is on.
Then Colin must've got the message.
Great.
So it looks like he'll make the slide.
The question is, will we? We need a car now.
I'm taking the limo, Dad.
I just gave you a limo so you could buy a television station.
That wasn't me.
I don't understand.
That was your Colin's exact duplicate.
Actually, it was our Colin, and we want him back.
And I want Roxanne back.
And the money, too.
Look, we could take a cab.
No, no, no, I don't take cabs.
We'll buy another limo.
Perfect.
All right, so let me get this straight.
Now, you moved an entire population from one world to another? No.
Not exactly.
That would be going against the Prime Directive.
You can't travel to other worlds and interfere with their cultures.
What are you talking about? There is no Prime Directive.
Maybe that's in your universe.
There are strict rules to inter-dimensional behavior.
You are really starting to piss me off! Hey! Are we loving this? Oh, yeah? Come on, let's hear it for them, huh? Huh? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, good grief! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can I see your producer, please? Can I help you? I produce "Lipschitz Live.
" Yeah, let us in.
We own this show.
Which means we own you.
Wait, aren't you The big merger, today? Yeah, Colin Mallory, corporate magnate.
And this is my mergee.
Oh, oh, go right in.
I'm sure Barry will want you on the show right after these sliders.
So how much time, you think? Less than 10.
That's pushing it.
Mmm-hmm.
Not getting cold feet, are you, son? I never really got along with Roxanne's family.
And frankly, she hates me.
Hate? That's a harsh word.
Resentment is probably what she feels.
Besides, this is business.
You don't have to get along with people you're in business with.
That's what it's all about.
Business.
Somehow, I always thought when I got married, it would be, well, more romantic.
Romantic? You been talking to your mother again? All right, let me ask you this.
How much time until your next slide? I have got a minute and change.
How about you, disco ball boy? Oh, I'll be moving on shortly.
Oh, so you're gonna slide away, too, huh, Potts? I prefer the term astral projection.
Excuse me, people, coming through.
Important people.
Move it.
Come on, toots, shake a leg.
Where's the producer? I'm Colin Mallory.
I own this place.
We've already got a Colin Mallory.
What are you talking about? I'm the real one.
Will you just let us in? I can explain everything.
Well, almost everything.
If you really want a show, why not have another Colin Mallory? Listen, this is Colin Mallory's identical twin.
Kidnapped at birth.
Raised by dolphins.
Just let us in.
All right, all right, all right.
Go, go right in.
What is this? You'll see, freak.
Thanks for believing in me and helping me.
I really do wish you were my Colin.
I do, too.
In a way.
I gotta go.
Folks, seriously, I am leaving in less than a minute, alone.
And I just would like to say goodbye.
To my friends, to my brother.
I'm coming with you, bro! Hey, hey, who's this? Another slider? Hey, Q-Ball.
Don't leave without us, bro! What do we have here? We have a weirdo slider reunion! Hey, how about that! Those crazy sliders.
I tell you.
Hey.
Yo.
Hey, it's a "Lipschitz" first! Colin! Roxanne, I That's his other brother? Hey, what's with Colin and the gold? Oh, it's a long story.
I'm getting married.
Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Oh, man, I can't believe this! Hey, come here, guys! Cheese and crackers.
They said it couldn't happen, but it did! Trans-dimensional travel! Four people transported from one plane to another.
And you saw it on "Lipschitz Live!" Amazing.
So, can we get this marriage contract changed? I think so.
The lawyers didn't witness the consummation.
Hey, there was no consummation.
Was there? You didn't do anything with that guy, did you, Roxanne? No.
Then, can't we get married? I hope so.
But is this really a happy ending? Stay tuned and find out, because this young lady could be married to an alien in another dimension.
What happens if that guy comes back? There's only one way to find out.
You gotta keep watching "Lipschitz Live!" Come on!