Slings and Arrows s01e01 Episode Script

Oliver's Dream

Geoffrey: Yeah.
We have to pay that.
Cheryl: Rent, of course.
Geoffrey: After we open.
I've told him a thousand times.
Cheryl: Bell telephone - Cheryl: They'll disconnect our phones againBell.
Geoffrey: Good.
All they do is ring anyway.
You pick them up, it's people wanting money.
I can't run a theatre without a telephone, geoffrey.
Geoffrey: There were no phones in ancient greece And their theatres did very well.
You're not taking this very seriously, geoffrey.
We're hanging on by a thread.
Geoffrey: And the very best things happen Just before the thread snaps.
I thought you would have learned that by now.
Case in point.
I just fixed a toilet.
Cheryl: You're a genius, geoffrey.
Break's over.
Cheryl: We're back! Geoffrey: Good news.
I have fixed the toilet.
(applause) As a reward to myself, I'd like to run the storm.
What do you think, andy? Andy: Go for it, man.
Geoffrey: Go for it, man.
These are the words a director likes to hear.
Andy has been working on the lights now For three days and three nights He assures me there will not be another fire.
(cheering) Andy.
The storm, please.
Now, cheryl seems to believe that a theatre needs phones.
I disagree.
A theatre is an empty space And as per the four-hundred-year-old Stage direction, we begin With a "tempestuous noise of thunder and lightning".
(thunder and lightning) It is a storm of colour and sound-- A dense, unnatural storm.
And we see it in glimpses, and flashes, As miranda would have seen it.
We see fragments of the horror And our minds provide the details.
We see the crew struggling to save the ship; Alonso, sebastian, antonio, run below deck.
Antonio: Let us all sink with our king! Antonio cries.
The boatswain calls out-- Boatswain: Take to the topsail! Lay her a-hold! Geoffrey: But the ship is torn apart by prospero's magic.
The mechanism of his revenge is set in motion.
Boatswain: We're split! We're split! Farewell my wife and children! Antonio all lost! All lost! The lights churn and swell like the sea- (lights spark) Ah nuts.
Cheryl: Take five, everybody.
(piano intro) Ô cheer up, hamlet ô Ô chin up, hamlet ô Ô buck up, you melancholy dane ô Ô so your uncle is cad ô Ô who murdered dad and married mum ô Ô that's really no excuse to be as glum as you've become ô Ô so wise up, hamlet ô Ô rise up, hamlet ô Ô perk up, and sing a new refrain ô Ô your incessant monologizing ô Ô fills the castle with on ennui ô Ô your antic disposition is embarrassing to see ô Ô and by the way, you sulky brat, ô Ô the answer is: "to be" ô Ô you're driving poor ophelia insane ô Ô so shut up, you rogue and peasant ô Ô grow up, it's most unpleasant ô Ô cheer up, you melancholy dane ô (cheering and applause) Frank: Ah rodney, how long can a man stare at sheep? Cyril: If he's a shepherd there's no telling.
Frank: Really cyril, there's gobs of work to be done.
Cyril: I know, duckie.
Oliver: I know what it is.
I can't hear anything.
Maria: We oiled the casters this morning.
No more squeaks.
Oliver: I'm not talking about squeaks, I'm talking about bleats.
You do want the bleats? Oliver: Of course I do.
What's the point of having sheep If there's no bleating? Where's the charm in that? I thought that- Oliver: Without the bleats there's no irony, maria.
Any fool knows that.
Maria: I'll cue up the bleats.
Yes, cue up the bleats, for god's sake.
(the sheep bleat) There you are, now that's comedy.
Thank you, maria, you just saved our fourth act.
Ellen: Oliver.
The forgeries of jealousy? Yes? Ellen: Sorry everyone.
You promised you would re-block it, weeks ago.
Weeks ago! You promised.
Oliver: Yes.
I do have some other notes from last night's preview- Ellen: My back is to the audience for the love of god.
I'm not being unreasonable.
I'm not saying I'm the most important here, But arguably at that moment, act two scene one, The forgeries of jealousy, I am the most important character on stage And I can't be seen by the audience.
She's always like this.
She can't make it through a rehearsal Without throwing a tantrum.
It's on the list, darling.
I promise you.
Sorry everyone.
Sorry for caring.
Oliver: Right.
But her back is to the audience.
Oliver: What next? What next? Kate.
Yes? Richard: Oliver? Are you free? Oliver: I'm doing notes Richard: Can I get you for an hour? It's about the seating plan for tonight.
An hour? Richard: Oh by the way, Great feedback on the previews everybody.
(applause) Break a leg tonight.
Oliver, we'll use your office? Well, we are in good shape, really.
Maria, let's do a line run And let them go home early, shall we? We'll begin with the forgeries of jealousy For ellen's sake.
Damn you.
Maria: Okay everybody, gather for a line run.
Hey, are your parents coming tonight? With the leafs in the playoffs? Not a chance.
But you know who is coming? My high school drama teacher.
Ugh! You're kidding.
I nearly freaked when I heard his message.
I mean, all the girls were in love with him.
He used to wear these black turtle necks And give massages and talk about brecht.
Oh, take my advice, Thank him for coming and dump him.
You can't schmooze with him hanging around your neck.
Maria: And ah Lights up.
Ellen: These are the forgeries of jealousy And never, since the middle summer's spring, Met we on hill in dale What is the problem with the seating plan? Well, it's not done yet.
It's as done as it can be, isn't it? What does he expect? And then there's the wine.
It hasn't arrived yet? Not yet.
Well how long can it take? I can see the vineyard from my office window, For god's sake! Well, apparently they're having trouble tracking down Enough of the '99 chardonnay.
Tell them I'll accept the '98 sauvignon blanc, But don't let them sell you on that dreadful riesling They served at the press launch.
It was like drinking chilled german urine.
Oliver: You know, there was a time When I could actually rehearse the actors On the final day of rehearsal.
Anna: Jack crew's agent, (intoon one.
Yes? Oliver: Thank you, anna.
Voice on phone: Mr.
Blickman will be right with you.
Can I- Every time he calls, I'm put on hold.
Every single time.
Do the phones work differently in l.
, is that it? Are you forced to make two calls at once? I need six more for lenstrex.
Six more? This is getting ridiculous.
There's no room.
We have to make room.
They're our major corporate sponsor.
And we're very grateful.
They're in the lobby, they're on the program, They're on the back of the tickets Oliver- We're sold out.
Well, who's this? Actors.
Michael durning, wife and child, Trevor mckinnon, wife and mother.
Actors? Actors do attend the theatre every now and then, richard.
They've been with the company for over 20 years between them But there was nothing for them this season.
It was a gesture, you know.
Bump them.
You don't understand.
I've directed them in "the dream" Three, four times.
Trevor, he was my bottom for years- And they can have tickets for any other performance.
Bump them.
Voice on phone: No? Still holding.
Yes I am! You don't understand, richard.
No, you don't understand, oliver.
We can't afford to alienate our leading corporate sponsor Just because you're feeling sentimental.
Well, someone is going to get alienated, And I would prefer that it were fred from accounting And his prostitute companion Than two men who've devoted their lives to this theatre.
I have to go.
To lenstrex actually.
They're having some sort of crisis.
Look oliver, find me some seats, please? You know, I wish you would think of this place As a place of business.
Because that's what it is, you know.
It's a business.
Ô Blickman: Oliver, how the fuck are you? Fine, gary When's jack arriving exactly? Wonderful.
We're all very excited.
I'll have a car meet him at the airport.
What was the flight number, again? Anna: The chardonnay has arrived! Oh, excellent.
Bring me a bottle, would you? (commotion) Man: Get your hands off me! Catherine: David will be with you in minute.
Can I get you anything? Coffee? Juice? Richard: Uh yeah, juice would be great.
Catherine, Why have I been called here today? Would you like apple, orange or grapefruit? Orange.
Announcment: Security to the right stairwell.
Exit 7.
Sorry to keep you waiting, richard.
David, how are you? David: Good.
Well I uh, can't stay.
Richard: What? Lenstrex is going through some changes.
Day here is from our new head office in houston.
She'll be assuming my responsibilities.
Hi, holly day.
Don't bother making any jokes.
I've heard them all before.
Richard smith-jones.
David, I- I have a thing I have to attend to.
Goodbye richard.
It's been a real pleasure working with you.
(whispers) she's the devil.
Holly: Oh, bye david.
He's just going to love anchorage.
Richard: Uh Ms.
Day- Holly: Holly.
Richard: David and I have been working together For quite some time now- Holly: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Three years.
I've been through his files.
Then you also know about The 8.
3 percent increase in our audience attendance.
The inclusion of more modern language plays.
This year we have jack crew playing hamlet.
He's a major american star.
And david has been instrumental- Yeah, yeah.
No david David was a wonderful man.
Day, I have to tell you That the festival absolutely depends On the financial support of lenstrex corp- 'kay, it's cosmopolitan- lenstrex now.
Please, I'm a friend.
Come on, sit down.
I'm interested in new burbage.
Very interested.
In fact, I called you here today To discuss increasing our level of sponsorship.
Seriously? You have a show opening tonight.
Uh yes.
Midsummers night's dream.
Midsummer night's dream.
I'd love to see it.
Is there a seat available? Well, david's, I suppose Great.
Well I wonder if I might also go as your date? You know, just give us a chance to chat.
Of course.
I'm sorry if I appeared a little defensive just now- Oh please, you're not the first, believe me.
People are frightened by change.
Personally, I've never, I've never understood that.
I mean, change and opportunity, It's sort of the same thing really, don't you think? Cheryl: I know we're behind with the rent.
Two months you have not paid! I ask you many times.
You must leave.
After this show opens, We will pay you from the box office.
No one comes to see shows here.
You leave building or I send for police.
Thank you.
Geoffrey: Hi.
Aleb: No! I do not want any trouble! You are crazy! Please.
Cheryl: He's not crazy! Not anymore.
Aleb: You attacked me with a knife.
Oh, that was a prop.
You attacked him? Geoffrey: I took two steps toward him.
But I immediately apologized.
Geoffrey, he's evicting us.
You owe two months.
I am not a bad man.
I have a family.
Get out.
Thank you.
We are opening a new play And we will pay you from the box office receipts.
No one comes to see shows here.
Ugh! All right.
I will- fine! I will pay you Out of my own personal account.
Two months rent, plus one month in advance, Is $12,600 dollars.
And here you are-- This ought to keep your family quiet.
This cheque is good? Of course the cheque is good.
Why would I give you a bad cheque? If cheque is bad, I send for police.
Thank you.
Geoffrey: I have never bounced a cheque in my life.
If cheque is bad, I send police.
Cheryl: Cheque's bad, isn't it? Geoffrey: Of course.
Cheryl: Oh god! Why do you do these things? The police are going to come and shut us down! Ooh! Your little thread can't take much more, can it? (sound of cash register, people chatting) (knocks on door) Oliver: Don't bother to cover up, I'm gay.
I just wanted to say break a leg to you all.
Relax, find your light, Say the right lines in the proper order And everything will be fine.
Remember what sir ralph use to said, "acting is merely the art Of keeping a large group of people from coughing.
(laughter) Have a good show.
(knocks on door) Don't bother to cover up, I'm old.
I just wanted to say good show, break a leg and all that.
Just find your light, say your lines And if you get nervous remember what sir ralph richardson said, "acting is merely the art Of keeping a large number of people from coughing.
(laughter) Good show.
Kate: Uh, mr.
Welles? Oliver.
Have a good show.
Thank you But you had a note for me? A note? Yes.
This afternoon in rehearsal, You had a note, but you were called away.
Oh, your entrance in act 3.
Yes? It's good.
You are saying "and I" in a consistently funny way.
Keep it up.
That was it.
Kate: Mr.
Welles, I've been meaning to tell you something.
I saw your hamlet with geoffrey tennant, I was 12.
It was so great.
I'm sorry.
Everyone says I shouldn't mention it.
No, you shouldn't.
Maria: 15 minutes to the top of the show.
Break a leg.
Thank you.
(classical music is coming from ellen's dressing room) Oliver: Another one, eh ellen? Your sixth titania if I'm not mistaken? It's my tenth "dream", you know.
Number ten.
Bit of a nightmare, if you ask me.
Just making the rounds.
Settling the butterflies.
Still using sir ralph, I'm afraid.
You'd think I'd have some witty remark of my own to share After all these years, but no.
I do not.
Ugh! You know, young kate just stopped me in the hall- Put that down.
Oliver: Such a long time ago.
Look at my hair.
It's all so ridiculous.
Ellen: The forgeries of jealousy.
What? I begged you to re-block it, you did not.
And tonight I will perform it And no one will see me or hear me.
Oh, they'll see the sheep, And they'll hear the fucking bleats loud and clear.
Oliver: You're overreacting, ellen.
You're obsessing on a detail.
(ellen bangs table) When did you stop caring about the details, oliver? "dream" number five? Well, I'm sorry, but I still fucking care about them Because I'm fucking one of them.
(knock on door) Ah! Oliver, the minister is pulling up.
Oliver: The minister.
Excuse me, ellen.
Have a good show.
See you at the bar.
(screams) knock! Dresser: Sorry! Sorry.
(knock at the door) Come in.
Oliver: Welcome, madam minister.
Minister: Hello oliver.
My husband was able to come after all.
Can you squeeze him in? Of course.
So glad you could come.
The bar? Well, it's just over there But we do have champagne.
(trumpets sound) Oh uh, that's oliver welles with the minister of culture.
Oh okay.
He's the artistic director? Yeah.
Oh, so you're the general manager.
He's the artist.
You're the businessman.
Well uh, I advise oliver, yes.
This a local wine? Uh yeah.
Do you like it? Mmm, very nice.
It's amazing grapes can grow this far north, isn't it? (ellen does vocal exercises) Maria: Two minutes, ellen.
Ellen: Maria? Maria! "I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again," stage left? Yes.
"thou art as wise as thou art beautiful," centre? Maria: Yup.
"walk in his hops," left again.
No, upstage to the- To the tree, to the tree.
Oh shit! To the tree.
Shit! Maria: Two minutes! Ellen: We have two minutes! Sorry.
Good show.
Good show.
(nervous breathing) Hermia: I do entreat your grace to pardon me.
I know not by what power I am made bold, Nor how it may concern my modesty In such a presence here to plead my thoughts But I beseech your grace that I may know the worst Hockey announcer: Comes away with the puck.
Roberts, circling behind the goal, Centres in front for sundin.
Back to the point.
Kaberle has shot in traffic, is blocked by philips.
Sundin, with it again Frank: Damn quiet house.
Cyril: There's no excuse for a quiet house on opening.
They didn't pay for their tickets; They could at least do us the courtesy of forcing a laugh.
Oberon: Didst thou not lead him Through the glimmering night from perigenia, Whom he ravished? And make him with fair aegle break his faith, With ariadne and antiopa? Ellen: These are the forgeries of jealousy Patron: (whispered) I can't hear.
Ellen: Never, since the middle summer's spring, Met we on hill, in dale, forest or mead Hockey announcer: Roberts spins and shoots blocked out front, rebound, Sundin scores! Yes! Cue the stupid bleats.
(sheep bleat) (audience laughs) Oberon: Welcome, good robin.
See'st thou this sweet sight? Her dotage now I do begin to pity.
For, meeting her It's dreadful, isn't it? The production values are very high.
Very diplomatic of you, nahum.
Oh god There's not one moment of truth in this whole production.
The truth can be a very dangerous thing.
Before I left nigeria I directed a production of ken saro-wiwa's "the wheel" Which was perhaps too openly critical of the abacha regime.
How did it go over? The soldiers came and burned our sets And beat the actors with sticks.
Thanks for the perspective.
Switch to the hockey game, would you? Wait! Turn it back.
Switch back to the news! Cheryl: Geoffrey tennant is not a criminal.
It's just that he refuses to play their game.
No corporate sponsorship, no government grants.
The real criminals are The people who are shutting us down.
Tv reporter: Sir, can you tell us why it is you're closing this theatre? Aleb: I am not a bad person.
He is crazy.
He writes bad cheques.
I have a family.
Thank you.
Tv reporter: But sir, the man says He's willing to do anything he can To keep this theatre open.
Would you care to respond to that? Aleb: No one comes to shows.
Tv reporter: Geoffrey tennant is best known For an incident that happened seven years ago, When he suffered a mental breakdown During a performance of hamlet at the new burbage festival.
It signaled the end of his acting career.
Madman or martyr? What is clear is that the artistic community Is embracing geoffrey tennant As a hero of shakespearean proportions.
My god.
Now that's theatre.
It reminds me of home.
Claire: If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumber'd here While these visions did appear.
(applause) Basil: To another twenty five years at the festival.
Ellen: Oh! I can't think of what part I'd play In twenty five years.
Maybe one of the witches The passing years have been more than kind to you, my dear.
It was Let me just say, You're getting boring Because you are never less then perfection.
And as for the production itself, Well, you have two choices: You can buy a paper in the morning Or buy me a drink this evening.
Oliver: Oh hello, bassy.
Can't talk now.
Everyone! Wonderful job! Well done! The buzz is really good.
See you all at the bar.
Oh! And to all the new players, this is basil.
Avoid him at all costs.
(laughter) You'll get a good review from me.
Don't worry, oliver.
Thank you, basil.
You've got a style that, with age, I've grown to love.
You don't make demands of the audience, You soothe them.
Your shows are comfortable, like an old boot.
Thank you.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the phrase "old boot" In your review.
Well done.
Claire: I felt I really discovered puck tonight.
Kate: You were great.
Claire: Oh, it's the audience.
When you're doing a comedy The audience does half the work for you.
Kate: Oh, my god.
He's here.
Who? My high school drama teacher, Mr.
All the girls had a thing for him? I'd hate to see what your gym teacher looked like.
Stewart! Hi! Mr.
Stewart: Kate! Kate: I can't believe you actually came.
Oh, your debut? How could I miss it.
Thank you.
This is claire donner.
Stewart: Puck.
Pace, pace, pace.
I'm sorry? You were marvelous! I'm so proud of you.
Oh well, moth is just a small part.
Who cares? Look where we are.
At the new burbage festival.
I've waited 20 years for one of my students to get here And you did it.
Oh kate, we made it! Oh god! The dressing rooms.
I'm gonna catch up with you later, okay? He just, he has this thing about pace.
I thought you were great.
(polite chatter) Basil: It's the direction.
See oliver isn't saying anything.
He's just putting on the show.
I've seen this show many, many times, And when I say that, I don't mean "the dream", I mean this show.
Luke? Another dreadful riesling, please.
And one for yourself.
Oh lord It's time for the speeches.
Here's may silverstone dragging her rotting carcass To the microphone.
Ladies and gentlemen, If I might have your attention for a moment.
Well, I see that we're all still abuzz From the wonderful production that we've just seen.
What a delightful, delightful beginning to our 44th season.
(applause) May: Thank you.
It now gives me great pleasure To introduce the man responsible for this evening, And I don't mean mr.
Shakespeare, I am referring of course, to our artistic director, Mr.
Oliver welles.
(applause) Since william is indisposed, I'll say a few words.
I've directed many plays here during my time And this particular staging of "the dream," Was a dream to stage.
You see, he's just going through the motions.
I know, basil, I know.
Oliver: But I must single out one party For their invaluable contribution.
I'm referring of course, to the good people of lenstrex, And specifically, mr.
Donald camposano, Camposani, sorry, Vice president of customer care, western ontario region.
Donald? Can you tear yourself away From the faeries for a moment and step up here? On behalf of the board of directors Of the new burbage festival, I'd like to present you with this leatherbound Riverside edition of the works of mr.
Signed by everyone, except the author, of course.
(applause) That's the future of this festival, right there.
A sweaty middle manager Soiling the works of shakespeare.
Shut up, basil.
Donald: I believe it was the immortal bard who said, "life is a tale told by an idiot, Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
" Well, we at cosmopolitan lenstrex disagree Life, anyone's life, regardless of their race Well, I must find a new vice president of customer care, Mustn't I? I guess so.
So uh, tell me about the new gift shop expansion.
Oh well, it was like pulling teeth To get them to do anything.
I mean, do you know when I showed up at this festival They had a table over there With four t-shirts on it.
All smalls.
Four pathetic t-shirts.
Oh my god.
Now, 81 percent of people who come to this festival Go through that store and 41 percent of them Buy between 20 and 30 dollars worth of merchandise each.
But has anyone ever thanked you for the added revenue? No.
Not once.
It's typical.
Okay? I mean, they don't want to think of this as a business, But okay, hello, it is a business.
It is a business.
They get the money for the bills from.
K I mean, maybe it's from the faeries? You're funny, richard.
Thank you.
Well richard, I appreciate you.
Can I get you a better glass of wine? Yes.
But if you could- Imported.
Thought so.
That local shit knocks me flat.
Be right back.
(holly slaps his buttocks) Mr.
Stewart: This feels unbelievable.
Kate: I know.
I still get shivers.
Stewart: Me too.
I'm getting them right now.
Stewart? Mr.
Stewart: Kate, I could do this, couldn't I? Kate: Do what? Mr.
Stewart I could be an actor here.
Kate: Why would you want to do that? I mean, you're just such a wonderful teacher.
Stewart: Teacher? They kept me away from here.
Pimply, little shits.
They don't care about theatre, and I don't care about them.
Do you know how I cast now? The tallest one is romeo.
The one with the biggest tits is juliet.
Who cares? You are drunk.
Not quite enough.
Let's go.
Kate: Where? Mr.
Stewart: To where all actors go after the reception.
To the bar.
Oliver: Richard burton, oliver reed, richard harris, peter o'toole, They're all drunks Or were.
How could you not drink? How could you face the real world sober After you've achieved perfection on the stage? Mr.
Stewart: Here, here! Oliver: Richard burton.
(laughs) Imagine saying to elizabeth taylor, "I'm sorry, But this relationship is just not working for me.
" (everyone laughs) Elizabeth taylor! Reality must have been so incredibly dull for him.
I saw his hamlet, you know, in 1964.
God, he was good.
Excuse me? Burton's hamlet, '66.
'64, I believe.
John gielgud directed.
Burton's was the definitive hamlet.
No one's done it since, as far as I'm concerned.
Well, except Where's luke with the booze? Claire: Oh, he's been gone for hours.
I think he left with ellen.
Oliver: Poor ellen.
She's trying to screw the years off.
I have to go piss.
He is ruining this night for me.
It's so embarrassing.
Leave it to me.
Stewart, you've been so kind to our kate here, Massaging away her fears, Setting her on the right track, On behalf of the festival I'd like to thank you.
Stewart: Cheers.
Hey, would you like to become An unofficial member of the company? Huzzah! Well, it's a very special honour We reserve for very dear friends.
However there is a bit of a ritual though.
I love rituals.
Rituals are great.
First, you must drink all the dregs From every glass in the bar, And then you're in.
Are you up for it? Just try and stop me.
Wow! He'll be out in ten minutes.
Oh you are evil.
Thank you.
Voice 1: He actually chained himself to the theatre doors.
Voice 2: I didn't think that kind of thing actually happened.
Voice 1: That doesn't happen.
The guy's crazy, right? He did the hamlet? Voice 1: Yeah, back in the glory days.
Voice 2: God.
Those days are long gone.
Voice 1: Oh god.
Voice 2: Seriously, I could hardly keep my eyes open.
Like, I was slapping myself.
Voice 1: It's oliver.
The guy's a hundred-years-old.
Voice 2: Shhh.
Walls have ears.
Voice 1: Oh come on, he's old, and old people are boring.
They get too excited, it's they drop dead.
(laughter) Voice 2: Shut up.
Put on your game face.
(flushes toilet) Ô Claire: Hey! We're going to track down something to eat.
Do you want to come? No.
I'm fine.
(blows a kiss) see you tomorrow.
Um, I just wanted to thank you for everything.
I mean, I know you've been through this a million times, But for me it's Well, thank you.
Well, I hope you enjoyed the show.
Oh, it was magical.
Stewart gets sick) Geoffrey tennant is not a crimi! Cheryl: Oh, god! I'm so fat! Why didn't you tell me I was that fat! Geoffrey: The camera puts on ten pounds.
Cheryl: What about the other twenty five? It's a lifestyle thing.
These people are going to throw-up all over my furniture.
Why are they so happy anyway.
We just lost the theatre.
Are you kidding? You made them heroes.
They love you! I love you! Easy now.
Is it because I'm fat? No.
It's 'cause you're drunk.
(phone ring) oh I better get that.
Hello? Oliver: Did you know there are three geoffrey tennants in toronto? Apparently one of them is jamaican, The other is eleven.
And then there is you.
It's oliver, if you haven't already guessed.
A ghost from the past.
(dial tone) (phone rings) Oliver: I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you.
Chaining yourself to a condemned building To defend the right of the insane To put on shows that no one will ever see.
(dial tone) Shit.
(phone rings) Oliver: Have mercy.
I know you hate me.
If you could see me now you'd be happy.
I'm pathetic.
I am Pathetic and miserable.
I'm a failure, you're a failure- (dial tone) Shit! Shit! Shit! (phone rings) Hello? Mr.
Popularity! Oliver: Why won't anyone talk to me? Ellen can't even look in my direction- How is ellen? (sighs) she hates me, she hates you, She hates herself.
She's getting old.
She's playing gertrude- oh, sorry! I won't mention that play.
Don't hang up.
How are you? Look, I heard about your mother.
She's in a better place.
God, you were so good.
Why did you leave? Why did I leave? Oliver: It can't be because of the thing with ellen.
We believed, remember, That greatness came with a price.
That hamlet that I brought out in you, it was It was definitive.
The hamlet that you What a crime you only gave three performances.
What a sin.
It was only a play.
Oliver: Only a play? Mister chain-himself-to-a warehouse.
Everything I ever do Will be compared to those three performances.
You ruined my life.
I ruined your life? You destroyed mine, you- You want to know why no one will speak to you? I'll tell you.
It's not that you ruined the festival, Although you have done that, And it's not because you're a sell out.
You want to know why no one will speak to you?! You want to know why ellen cannot stand the sight of you?! I'll tell you, So I do not have to think of you ever again; So that you will be erased from my memory! It's because- Ô (applause and cheering) Geoffrey: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Oliver and ellen: Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Quiet! There's one left, there's one, One final thank you, And that is to the author! (cheering) Geoffrey: Be careful.
It's all safe! Oh god! Oh god! Oliver: I'm getting too old for all these beatle antics.
Geoffrey: Jesus, I have never felt anything like this in I have never felt anything even remotely like this feeling.
Bravo, geoff.
You were fucking incredible tonight.
You broke my heart.
And not just mine.
I mean, everybodies.
Did you hear them? There were sobbing.
Did you hear that woman? The one in the second row, on the left there.
She was wailing, Like, like she'd lost her child.
Oh but listen, listen, this is the thing.
We've got to make it exactly like this, every night.
Every single night, exactly like this! And how are we going to do that? Aye, there's the rub.
Geoffrey: Becauit's just shit.
E- You see what you may have done.
You may have made for us a hell.
A very well lit hell, if I do say so, myself.
I want to do it again, right now! And by heaven I will make a ghost of him that lets me! Ellen: I love you, geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Oh my ophelia.
I want to feel ya.
And I love you both, very much.
More than I love myself, Which is saying a lot, believe me.
Ellen: I love you, oliver.
Hey, let's make a baby.
Oliver and ellen: What? Geoffrey: Not you.
And you know what I mean.
I mean, one of those little bald people You're always fussing about in the mall.
I want to make a baby with you.
I wanna make a little girl kind of baby, Exactly like you.
And I- I wanna marry you, ellen.
'cause I love you.
Oliver: Please! Such a flagrant display of unbridled heterosexuality.
Geoffrey Come on.
Come on, right now.
Oliver: Hey, where are you going? The party's just starting.
Geoffrey: We are going now, To make a whole bunch of babies And then tomorrow, We are going to pick out bride's maids dresses.
What's your size? Oliver: Don't go! Ellen: Goodbye oliver! Oliver: Don't leave me alone, you bastards! Not tonight.
Geoffrey! Don't leave me here! I can't go back to the party! I don't like any one! Assholes.
Ô (truck honks) Ô Ô Ellen: Sorry.
Round two? (sirens) Ô
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