Slings and Arrows s03e01 Episode Script
Divided Kingdom
Announcer: From its fabled beginnings in a tent To the glory years of the late oliver welles To last season's production of "macbeth," Currently packing houses on broadway, The new burbage theatre festival has been a beacon of quality For north-american theatergoers.
This season, we're going to blow your mind! We'll soon be announcing Just which legend of canadian theater Will be playing the title role of king lear! Keep checking our website for details.
And now, put your hands together for the man responsible For what is being called The hottest theater festival in north america-- Geoffrey tennant! [applause.]
acorn media [applause stops.]
[sobs softly.]
Oh, no.
Oh.
[sobbing.]
No [sobbing.]
[piano playing.]
when life takes its toll and fate treats you bad you used to be king, and now you've been had alone with your fool, you think you'll go mad it's nice to take a walk in the rain a stomp through a storm is what i'd advise when people you trust tell nothing but lies and kidnap your friend and gouge out his eyes it's nice to take a walk in the rain you say your daughters are evil plotters a beat about a shower will keep you sane when all has been said and all have been slain it's good to take a walk in the rain for several hours helps to have a howl in the rain without your clothes on nice to take a walk in the rain [cheering and applause.]
[indistinct voices on television.]
Man, shouting: Tom's a-cold! [mutes television.]
Oliver? Oh, do de! Do de! Do de! Hey, what the hell is going on? Tom's a-cold! Oliver? Oh, do de, do de! Do de! [telephone ringing.]
[ring.]
[beep.]
Hello.
Hey, everyone! I've got geoffrey! Hello! Hello, geoffrey.
Do you hear them? All the way from new york.
They're all drunk.
I can hear that.
Where are you? At barbara's apartment.
She's giving us a closing party.
Oh, you wouldn't believe this place.
The view of central park is amazing.
Wait, wait, wait.
Geoffrey, I just have to tell you That was the most incredible evening I've spent in the theater.
It reminded me of why I wanted To be an actor in the first place.
And I am totally terrified to work with you.
God! Barbara hasn't changed a bit.
She's so great.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
Oh, I can't wait to see you.
I've been fantasizing about my homecoming.
Me, too.
What's wrong? Well.
.
[coughs.]
Last night I wept uncontrollably In front of 1,500 strangers.
Oh Ok.
Um We can talk about it when I get home Tonight.
I love you.
Mm-hmm.
Me, too.
Hey, everyone, tell geoffrey you love him.
[all saying "we love you, geoffrey".]
[beep.]
Uh, well, I have 10 to 6:00 a.
M.
Eastern standard-- Oh, wait.
He just walked in.
Man, british accent: Very good.
Can you stand by? I'll be back to get a level in half a sec.
Cheers.
Cheers.
God.
They really say "cheers" in England.
So, do you want to talk about last night at all? No.
Yeah, I know.
The schedule has just been brutal.
You're probably just tired.
I know i'm tired.
You know what I did this morning? I poured cream in the coffeemaker.
I had to rinse it out.
It was all burnt.
Richard, I wept uncontrollably For 20 minutes.
Yeah, but you know, the funny thing about weeping, Because things are going so well right now.
Yes, it is funny.
Geoffrey, are you sure you're up for this, Because, you know, this is the b.
B.
C.
This is important.
The queen might be listening.
Hello, geoffrey.
If we could just get a level before we begin.
Richard, you can rest easy.
I will not embarrass you or her majesty With any spontaneous weeping.
Good.
Thank you.
And richard.
Uh, sibilance, sibilance, sibilance.
[snoring.]
Come on, ducky.
Wakey, wakey.
We have to go back to the hotel and pack.
Why? Where are we going? Lord love it.
We're going home, dear.
Ha ha! Five shops? Seriously? That's all there is in new burbage? No, no, no, no, no, no.
There are There was the christmas emporium.
There's save-mor.
And did I mention the chipwagon? No.
Ha ha ha! I want to introduce you to someone.
Ellen, this is christopher norton.
Ellen is one of my oldest friends.
Christopher: And I couldn't take my eyes off you.
It was like watching a young vanessa redgrave.
I said to my friend skye, I said, "who is this woman?" Who are you? I'm just ellen fanshaw.
[laughter.]
And, uh Who are you with? With? Exactly.
Oh, IHa ha ha! I thought you meant Oh, my agent's name is olive barlow Of olive barlow talent.
I'll look her up.
Again, it was great work.
Barbara, call me.
That sounds so trite.
ButCall me.
Who was that? Chris.
He's huge.
He's just an agent, But he has been packaging everything.
Oh.
"just ellen fanshaw"? You need to learn how to promote yourself.
Man: Geoffrey, your productions are known For their bare-bones style of staging Coupled with an almost unbearable emotional intensity.
Oh, god.
Are they? What's your secret? II don't know.
I don't know what i'm doing.
I just do it.
Any particular influences? Too many to count.
What about the late oliver welles? Oliver? Sure.
Him And every director i've ever worked with And every actor i've ever worked with And my mother and my father, My grade-7 teacher, my little dog ruffles.
I've been influenced by anyone i've ever met, And i've stolen from everyone I've ever worked with.
Didn't picasso say something like "bad artists copy, good artists steal"? Yes, and he also said, "good taste is the enemy Of creativity," And I take great comfort from that.
Ha ha ha.
Your "macbeth" has just finished A smashing run in new york.
I see here the "times of london" called it perfect.
Ha.
ThatThat That's a ridiculous statement.
Uh, but, uh Greatly appreciated.
Hi.
Richard smith-jones here.
Good morning.
Theater is dynamic.
It is constantly in change, From performance to performance.
So the concept of perfection Is meaningless.
I mean, it's as meaningless As me saying, "oh, hi.
Look at me.
I'm north of the north pole.
" This is meaningless.
Yeah, but also, you know, I think a great tribute To the staff and team We've assembled here in new burbage, Which, among other things, has resulted in A year-over-year profit increase of 350%.
But geoffrey, these types of notices, Given your history at the festival, Must be immensely gratifying.
Your next production is "king lear.
" How do you plan to top yourself? [sighs.]
Geoffrey.
This is absurd.
It's far too absurd for Whatever time it is in the morning.
So I thank you, And I thank your majesty.
Thank you so much for being on my money.
And that does it for us.
I want to thank geoffrey tennant Oh, how did it go? Where's geoffrey? Oh, not good, eh? No.
It was fine.
It's just that geoffrey's Things are going well, aren't they? Things are going really well.
They are! But he's He's miserable.
You know, he's moody.
He's sarcastic.
I mean, I know he's an artist, But does he have to be an artist all the time? On the radio? Well, some people don't handle success very well.
Speaking of which Oh, my gosh.
"canadian business.
" I used to dream of this.
[chuckling.]
Oh, where's geoffrey? Oh, he's probably gone to bed.
You'll see him this afternoon At the world music festival.
Is that today? Oh, god.
This schedule is killing me.
What are you doing in so early? I always start work at 6:00.
Oh.
Good work ethic.
What set are we on? Uh, gloucester's castle.
Ok.
And what's handy? Well, we're in the main hall, so chairs, tables, Wine jugs, goblets.
Spoons? Yeah, there could be a spoon.
My first idea is spoons, all right? Cornwall, he's got the blood pack in his hand.
Gloucester, he's got the eyeball.
It goes a little something like this, all right? Upon these eyes of thine, I set my feet, Blah, blah, blah, and then Yeah.
Yeah, and I can light that tight.
You know, lights down Eyeball pin spot.
That'll mean blood spatters on regan's gown.
We'll need doubles.
You know, that's That's one way.
Could I have that for a second? But I justI think shakespeare had it down.
It's way more fucked up If cornwall digs them out with his own fingers.
You know what I mean? What's more disturbing than this? I mean, imagine a finger going into the eye socket, you know.
And then it's like-- I mean, you would literally, like, hear, you know, The optical nerves, you know, snapping.
You'd probably smell somebody else's hand.
And then it would be like-- ok.
Ready? Watch this.
"upon thine eyes of mine, I set my foot.
" and then it's like Aah! Aah! Aah! You know.
Something like that.
You know what I mean? But I mean, it's totally your choice-- You know, thumbs or Thumbs or spoons.
[inhales.]
Thumbs, I think.
Thank you.
Next.
The storm--lighting and special effects.
Ok.
Geoffrey, is it true? Richard said I could have anything I wanted.
Yeah.
He said the same thing to me.
Ok, becauseI'm thinking of using the sierra system.
It's very expensive.
What does it do, this sierra system? [loud thunder.]
[wind blowing.]
[thunder and wind stop.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, man, that was great.
Geoffrey, what do you think? Well, it's, uh It's very realistic.
Too realistic? What do you mean? I mean, we can make it real, But is real what you want? Or is it like madness, right? I mean, you know, is the storm really happening? I mean, I know it's really happening, But is it like a crazy storm of madness In lear's head or Nahum, what do you think? Hard for me to say.
In my theater in nigeria, We would shake a large piece of tin.
It worked quite well.
"canadian business.
" I used to dream of this.
Of course, in my dream, it was just me, but still Richard, why am I here? I don't have to say anything, do I? Nah.
Just say a few words, thank them for coming.
I don't think it matters.
They don't speak english.
It's pointless.
It's not pointless.
We're the face of the festival.
For god's sakes, would you put it away? [music continues.]
Speaking of faces, any hints On who's going to play lear? Is it william shatner? I haven't decided.
Oh, come on.
What's to decide? He's captain kirk! [music ends.]
[applause.]
Is this it for today? No.
You've got the marketing meeting at 5:00 And you've got the arts administrators dinner at 8:00.
What? No.
No.
I can't.
Geoffrey, it's a national conference.
You've got to.
You speak better than me.
No.
I can't richard.
Ellen's coming in tonight.
And aside from which, I do not want to run the risk Of, you know, weeping in front of another room Of entire strangers.
Look, you were stressed.
We're all stressed.
[applause.]
[applause stops.]
[takes deep breath.]
[sobbing softly.]
You have to do the announcement.
Me? Yeah.
All right.
[geoffrey sobbing.]
Uh, well Los perditos.
Los perditos.
Weren't they terrific? [applause.]
Obviously, this is a very emotional time for us.
It's been so moving to see all you foreigners, Artists and musicians, do your thing all week long, But unfortunately, the festival is over, And it's time to say good-bye, and that's very sad.
[geoffrey sobbing loudly.]
Very, very, very sad.
UhBut to you, we say bon voyage, Which means "have a pleasant journey home" In one of our 2 official languages French.
Well, thank you very much for coming.
Thank you, everybody.
[applause.]
I'llI'll do the dinner.
[sobs.]
If you will all turn To page 17 in your annual report, You'll see in figure 4 that as of last June, Our advance sales-- 21 days or longer-- Continued its steady climb Until we were 85% to 90% capacity, And that gave us a year-over-year improvement Of 350%, so [applause.]
Ok, any questions? Woman: Mr.
Jones.
Smith-jones.
Smith-jones.
I am so sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
Really? Thank you.
The financial turnaround is one thing.
I mean, it's very impressive.
But the artistic turnaround.
I mean, that's really remarkable.
[applause.]
Could you comment on that? Comment? WellWhat are your influences, Artistically speaking? ActuallyI'm just stumbling around in the dark Like everybody else.
I think i've stolen every good idea i've ever had.
But as picasso is alleged to have said, "bad artists copy, good artists steal.
" [laughter and applause.]
Weeping.
Ellen: Wailing? No, weeping.
Very Really heavy crying.
You know what? It's nothing.
I cry all the time.
It doesn't mean anything.
It'sIt's healthy actually.
Oh, look.
Look at this.
It's chanel.
Barbara made me buy it.
It cost a fortune, But I can wear it to the opening.
I'd really like to believe that.
No, I will.
No, I mean about weeping being healthy.
Well, geoffrey, forget about it.
It's just a one-time thing.
Well, it happened again today.
So it'sA 2-time thing.
Just don't obsess.
You obsess about little things, they become big things.
I don't think it can be sadness.
I mean, it feels like sadness.
I don't think it can be, because Well, things have never been better, And why would I be sad When things are going really well? You missed me.
MmmI missed you.
I thought about this all the way home.
I thought about it all through barbara's party.
I thought about it all through The second act of the final performance.
What about the first act? I was thinking about my dress.
So i've got no macbeth, i'm hemorrhaging subscribers, And my ad-account executive is in jail.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That is terrifying.
Ha ha ha! ListenI know this is stupid, But could you sign this for me? Ho ho! I know that guy.
Sure.
UhI don't have a-- I do.
Oh, you do? Thank you.
[click.]
[writing.]
There you go.
"to melinda.
" what does this say? "rock on.
" I didn't know what to put.
Ha ha ha! Say, where did everybody go? Administrators, you know.
They're all home in bed with hot milk And their copy of the pact agreement.
Right, yeah.
Well, I, um Guess I should get going, too.
You know, I may be down In new burbage next week, If you wanted to go for a coffee or Something? Ok.
What day are you coming to town? Uh Tuesday.
Or Wednesday.
Thursday or Friday? Ha ha ha! Here's my card.
Just call me Mr.
Smith-jones.
Right.
Oh, I am so going to get laid.
Well, that's an eye-opener.
Ha.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no I mean, I I suppose This kind of thing happens, You know, occasionally.
I guess we could be grateful I'm not weeping.
No.
This is serious.
This is a problem.
It's me.
It's me, isn't it? No, it's not you.
That's exactly what people say when it is you.
Ellen, would you please just calm down? I think this is probably, you know, Stress-related.
You're right.
You're very stressed.
Hmm.
You should see a doctor.
You need treatment.
Ok.
What happened To the "don't obsess about the small things"? Well, it's become a bigger thing.
This is our sex life.
What if we never make love again? What if 2 weeks ago in my hotel room In new york was our last time ever? Ok, you want to know something? You are reacting in the worst possible way.
This is the single worst possible way That a woman could react to this situation.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry.
It's common, isn't it? This kind of thing happens all the time.
Wait a minute.
I remember an e-mail.
A chinese homeopathic remedy For men with penile problems.
Richard, you forgot the check for the minister, For the photo op.
Anna, I said big, not gargantuan.
Well, they had 3 sizes.
I thought bigger would be better.
Anna, it's not going to fit in there.
Ok.
How about the trunk? This looks ridiculous.
No one will notice.
You'd better get going.
Uh, mr.
Archer's assistant called, Wants to stick to Friday.
Why? Why do I always have to change my schedule for him? I don't know.
She said It's a really important issue.
Fuck! [engine won't start.]
Ah, shit! I'll get the jumper cables.
You need a new car, richard.
I know! I know! Stalled again? Yes.
He needs a new car.
And how are we today? We are fine.
We haven't criedYet.
Oh, it's still early.
Good.
Good.
UhDarren's in your office.
OhTake a knee.
Sometimes it's best to just work through the tears.
Anna, for god's sake! That's what I do.
Yeah.
Darren nichols.
Grotten van netherlands, geoffrey.
It's chocolate.
Of course it is.
And how was your winter in amsterdam? Fantastic.
No tourists.
Just the dutch, damp and pale.
I swear, the pronunciation Grows even more guttural As the days grow darker.
Ha ha.
What is it you were directing again? A musical based on humpty-dumpty.
Very dark.
The dutch went crazy for it.
Oh, those dutch.
I must say, I've fallen in love with the musical genre.
It's the art form of the common man.
If you want to communicate Something to the proletariat, Cover it in sequins and make it sing.
It's noisy, vulgar, and utterly meaningless.
I love it.
I'm very eager to begin.
And we are eager for you to begin And to conclude also.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, yes.
I'm counting on your input, geoffrey.
Why the fuck would you want my input? I've come to realize that the repulsion We feel for one another may, in fact, Be the source of our creative energy.
Darren, i'm going to be real busy with "king lear.
" Oh, come now.
I want you At casting, at rehearsals, And at every preview.
Geoffrey, our musical Will blow the roof off this place.
Danke.
To the set.
This is going to be great.
[camera clicking.]
Sorry.
The flash is Can we take the picture? Yeah.
I'll get more out of my car.
Ok, look.
Could you hurry? Because this is the minister of culture, all right? Sorry about that.
I'll make sure you get A really nice framed copy for your wall.
Whatever.
You know, minister, I thought you'd be pleased.
Pleased? That we paid our loan back early.
Why do artists make such a big deal When they exercise basic financial responsibility? We lend you money.
You pay us back.
You don't get a parade and a handjob.
Ok, minister, come on.
Look at all these.
Look.
Each one a photo op.
Ooh.
This one actually bounced.
Some shifty little bastard from a poetry magazine Brought this in, and it actually bounced.
The fucker! God, I feel like a truant officer with you people.
Jesus, minister.
You know, I You know, i'm a taxpayer.
Excuse me? Yeah, i'm a taxpayer, and I think that funding-- Are you talking back to me? No, minister.
Go to hell.
Ok.
Big smiles, everybody.
WellNo more champagne and oysters.
No more star-struck fans waiting at the stage door.
No more fire island.
No more cheesecake.
A couple of dreary-looking shrimp And a crusty old deviled egg.
After all the reviews we got.
I hate it here.
Hi.
Hi.
How did it go? My car stalled on the highway.
Get a new car, richard.
It just needs a tune-up! You have a problem with success.
What? What do you mean by that? I mean you've worked hard, And you've succeeded brilliantly.
So treat yourself.
Go out and buy a shiny new car.
No.
Used maybe.
Or maybe an off lease with God, maybe I do have a problem.
What i'm saying is that these recent problems, You know, the weeping and theDown there-- The erectile dysfunction.
Ellen.
That's what it's called.
Well, thank you.
Anyway, I think it's actually bigger.
I think it's, like, me and everything.
You've conquered broadway.
You're doing "lear," a play you love.
Which i'm having some trouble with at the moment.
What kind of trouble? Well, casting mostly.
Every canadian celebrity over 60 wants to do it, And richard is pressuring me to go that way, And I don't know.
I don't know.
I think i'm going to go and talk to charles again.
Charles kingman? Isn't he a little old? Well, old is the right age for lear.
And it's notIt's Ellen, I really need To talk to somebody right now.
Wait a minute.
There's barbara.
Ha ha ha! Oh! I'm here! You're here! Can you believe it? How's your apartment? Uh! No, no, i'm kidding.
It's fine.
I mean, it's a little small, And it's above a dry cleaner's, so there's a smell.
Oh, you can't stay there.
Oh, it's fine.
I told myself I will not be a diva.
It's fine.
So what if the windows won't open? Stay with us.
No, no.
I won't intrude on you and geoffrey.
Geoffrey won't mind.
WellMaybe just until they find me something else.
I want to start torturing my director right away.
Where is geoffrey? Oh, he was here.
Oliver? [tapping.]
So, like, do you want to see it? It's parked just outside.
No.
Oh.
So, why are you selling this car? My dad got me an s.
U.
V.
You should tell him what happened inside the car.
Maybe then he'd want to buy it more.
Why? What happened inside the car? [giggling.]
Well, nothing happened.
Or at least she says she doesn't remember it.
Ok.
UmHow much is your asking price for this vehicle? 5,000.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, i've got the money.
It's not that.
It's just that, you know God knows, my car is dying.
It's just that, you know, i've had it a long time.
So it feels like who I am Or who I was.
Ha ha.
I don't know.
Maybe it's the way I was raised.
Boy, but i'll tell you kids, SuccessWhew It's very, very[whistles.]
You know, we're doing great this year, But, you know, that could be dumb luck.
And next year, it could all come crashing down, you know.
And then i'm left driving around In some cherry-red girlie car, looking like a complete fool.
[sighs.]
Um 4,500? I'm sorry.
Um I've got another meeting.
[laughing.]
Man: And yet to save a truth, Reason and love keep little company together nowadays.
Thou art wise As thou art beautiful.
Not so neither.
But I have wit enough to get out of this wood.
I have enough to serve my own turn.
Out of this wood do not desire to go.
Thou shalt remain whether thy will or no.
I am a spirit of no common rate.
The summer still doth tend upon my estate.
And I do love thee.
Therefore go with me.
I'll give thee fairies to attend on thee, And they shall fetch thee jewels From the deep and sing Whilst thou on pressed flowers dost sleep.
And I shall purge thy mortal grossness So that thou shalt like an airy spirit go.
Pea's blossom, cobweb, moth, And mustard seed.
And here come the fairies, All except mustard seed, who's in dialysis.
So we'd better take a break.
Bravo.
I'm not too early, am I? No, not at all, geoffrey.
Sorry to bring you all the way down here, But this is our last day of rehearsal.
When do you open? Oh, tomorrow or the next day, Depending on who's alive.
Thank you.
I always order 2.
It saves time.
I hate being in the middle of a really deep conversation And trying to get the waiter's attention, you know.
Yeah.
Of course.
Tell me more about how you and geoffrey work together.
I mean, you guys seem to have this really amazing rapport.
Well, you know, geoffrey does More of the art stuff, and he's impossible To rope into the administration stuff.
So that really puts the pressure on me To keep the theater solvent.
Tell me about it.
My a.
D.
Is an ass-grabbing alcoholic.
I've had to clean up more of his fucking messes Than I can tell you, but he's a genius And married.
Oh, enough about me.
You go on.
Go on.
Well, you seem pretty interested in the rebranding, So I brought you a little surprise.
I accept.
Mrs.
Richard smith-jones.
Who knew? Ha ha ha! I'm kidding.
Good.
I'm totallyHa ha ha! Um, I had my assistant Print off the daily box-office reports.
Now, I know you can follow numbers, So you can see how dramatically The upswing in sales came when it happened.
I mean, it's not tom clancy, But it's pretty compelling stuff.
What exactly do you and geoffrey do together? I mean, does he ask you about anything creative? Do you evenDo anything creative? Oh, well, you know, we're all a band Of brothers up at the theatre.
It's just that some of us direct or act Or hang lights.
Asshole.
What? You're just another Of those fucking numbers guys, right? I mean, you do these tedious grant applications And funding and union contracts.
It's dull! Your life is dull! Isn't that your life, too? Fuck you.
Ha ha ha.
[crying.]
I'm [sobbing.]
I got to tell you, charles, It's been a long time since i've heard People enjoy themselves in rehearsal.
WellLife is short, geoffrey.
You shouldn't do it if there's no fun in it.
When did you become so fucking sunny? Well, you caught me on a good day.
[chuckles.]
You've come to tell me you're going with a movie star? Ha ha.
Well I justI need someone to talk to.
I'm losing my focus, and, uh My usual resources have Well, they're failing to keep me erect, If you know what I mean.
Um [sighs.]
I want you to tell me about the storm.
Well It's lear, isn't it? Lear.
A kingStripped of everything-- Riches, loyalties-- Standing naked in the heath.
"blow winds and crack your cheeks.
Rage, blow.
" Do you hear the storm? Mm-hmm.
And then he sees his fool Waiting for him in the rain, Standing there shivering in the cold.
And something in him stirs.
"in, boy," he says.
"go first.
" An incredible thing for a king to say.
Then he turns back into the storm, And he actually prays.
"poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are, "that bide the pelting of this pitiless storm, "how shall your houseless heads and unfed sides, "your looped and windowed raggedness Defend you from seasons such as this?" [gasps.]
He says, "i've taken too little care of this.
" He makes the connection between his own suffering And the suffering of others.
He's losing his mind, But on the way, he's finding his heart.
I never thought of it like this.
You can go right through the ages of man with shakespeare, And in the end, he gives you this enormous gift of lear To anticipate your own decay.
Hmm.
Well, well, well.
You've just given me a peck of trouble.
How? I want to do your lear.
Oh.
Sorry.
Anna: Richard, where have you been? StalledAgain.
You're supposed to be meeting with mr.
Archer.
He's been looking for you everywhere.
Shit! Where is he? In the parking lot.
He was about to leave.
Shit! Sorry.
I don't know what's going on.
Richard: Mr.
Archer! Mr.
Archer! Richard, you're late.
Well, then you should have fucking rescheduled.
I'm sorry? Richard.
I am the executive director of this festival, Not your damn butt boy! You want a meeting with me? You tell me the fucking agenda.
You got it? Richard.
Richard, relax.
This is bullshit! Richard! Huh? If you have a second, richard, We'd like to give you this car To thank you for all your incredible Leadership and vision this season.
You saved the festival, And this is a token of our appreciation.
Isn't that great? [sighs.]
I am not king lear? That's correct.
I would have been a pretty good lear.
And i'm sure you will be someday.
You know, I spent 7 seasons at stratford.
Some of the critics said that my hamlet Was touched by greatness.
I'm sure it was.
I'm just I've decided to go in a different direction.
A different direction from greatness? I'm going to go with charles kingman.
[laughing.]
Yeah.
Ha.
Ah.
[ahem.]
kingman.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Interesting choice.
Bold choice.
Your marketing department Might even call it an insane choice.
Look, I just wanted to say that it's been A real pleasure getting to know you.
There's no need for that, ok? I'm a big boy.
I'm a big boy.
I can handle it.
I'm a big boy.
I thank you for your understanding.
Oh, no, bless you.
Please, geoffrey.
The director's obliged to share his vision Of the play with his lead.
When I was doing "the aviator" With marty scorsese, you know, he'd assess My role with me, you know.
So I, um I wish you and charles the best of luck.
I appreciate that.
I sincerely hope That you and I can find something to work together on.
ActuallyI have an ideal project in mind.
Oh, yeah? What? "king lear," starring me.
I beg you.
Oh, ken, please.
You son of a bitch.
You toyed with me! You dangled that role in my face! I didn't dangle anything.
"I turned down kenneth welsh.
" Is that what you're hoping to crow to the world? No, not at all.
I wasn't available anyway.
You got that? I turned you down! Is that what you want me to say? That's the truth of it.
Call my agent, you big piss ant! Ok.
I'm sorry.
Oh, man.
Sorry.
[sighs deeply.]
Ok, when you get to your opening night, Just before the curtain goes up, Could you do me a favor? Anything.
Suck on this! Oh! Uh! Jesus.
I've waited all my life for that part! You are a dream fucker, geoffrey! I curse you, and I curse your production! [knocking.]
Enjoying your new car? God, the insurance on this kind of thing Richard, you should feel very proud.
You've earned it.
Enjoy it.
I'm a fraud, anna.
How are you a fraud? I'm not a leader or a visionary.
I'm a bureaucrat.
I'mI'm a bean counter.
Yes, but you're a good bean counter, And you care about what you do, And you're detail-oriented.
Oh, richard, please don't cry.
You're making me cry.
Who the hell am I, anna? Who the hell is richard smith-jones? Ok.
Well I can't stand this.
So i'm going to go away, ok? You have a good cry.
Get it all out.
I'll be in the office.
Ok? Take your time.
[exhales deeply.]
Dear god, help me, help me, help me! Woman's voice: How can I be of service? What? Bmw assist.
How can I help? Hey, um Geoffrey, I-- What happened to you? Nothing.
What do you want? Did you hear I got a new car? Congratulations.
Yeah.
I just sat in it and cried.
I couldn't stop.
Christ.
Maybe it's a virus.
You know, all I ever wanted Was for this theater to be successful, And now it is.
And I can't enjoy it.
I mean, my whole experience of this Is just numbers and box office And marketing meetings andAnd You know, there's got to be more To a life in theater than this.
Oh, god, I know that feeling.
Yeah? Yeah.
Look, richard, I don't think I can continue like this.
I justI can't do all these meetings And the fundraising and the interviews And the committee Shit.
I just I'm no good at it.
It makes me weep, among other things.
All I want to do is direct "king lear.
" So I need you to do something for me.
I am asking you to take over all of that other stuff.
What? More meetings for me? Yeah.
That doesn't help me! Geoffrey, I came to you for help Trying to figure out who I am and What i'm doing here.
Ok, richard, get a grip.
Take a breath.
[breathes deeply.]
Why'd you come here in the first place? Do you like the theater? Yeah, I like the theater Especially musicals.
I mean, I love musicals.
Ok, this is great.
You see, this is a very happy piece of symmetry, BecauseI hate musicals.
And I don't think I can sit in a room with darren nichols.
I'm quite afraid that this time, I will put something sharp into his frontal lobe.
So why don't you go to the musical rehearsal And be me? You can sit in.
You can give your ideas.
You can connect to the creative process, And you will discover what's going on in here.
Really? Yeah.
I could do that? Really? It's all yours.
Ok.
Sure.
Hey, good meeting.
That's a very good meeting.
Yeah.
You feel better? You feel good? Yes.
Yes, I do.
That's great, because i'm going With charles kingman for king lear.
[door opens.]
acorn media Captioned by the national ---Www.
Ncicap.
Org--- call the understudy I can't go on tonight i'm drinking with my buddy i'm getting kinda tight before they raise the curtain i'll be higher than a kite so call the understudy I can't go on tonight tell the cast and crew to break a leg break a leg roll me out another bloody keg bloody keg I need to ease the pain that life can bring life can bring and liquor is what will hit the spot the play is not the thing so call the understudy I think it's only right my diction will be muddy i'll never find me light before the intermission i'll be pissing on a sprite so call the understudy I can't go on he can't go on I won't go on he shan't go on I can't go on tonight Damn right! [laughter and applause.]
This season, we're going to blow your mind! We'll soon be announcing Just which legend of canadian theater Will be playing the title role of king lear! Keep checking our website for details.
And now, put your hands together for the man responsible For what is being called The hottest theater festival in north america-- Geoffrey tennant! [applause.]
acorn media [applause stops.]
[sobs softly.]
Oh, no.
Oh.
[sobbing.]
No [sobbing.]
[piano playing.]
when life takes its toll and fate treats you bad you used to be king, and now you've been had alone with your fool, you think you'll go mad it's nice to take a walk in the rain a stomp through a storm is what i'd advise when people you trust tell nothing but lies and kidnap your friend and gouge out his eyes it's nice to take a walk in the rain you say your daughters are evil plotters a beat about a shower will keep you sane when all has been said and all have been slain it's good to take a walk in the rain for several hours helps to have a howl in the rain without your clothes on nice to take a walk in the rain [cheering and applause.]
[indistinct voices on television.]
Man, shouting: Tom's a-cold! [mutes television.]
Oliver? Oh, do de! Do de! Do de! Hey, what the hell is going on? Tom's a-cold! Oliver? Oh, do de, do de! Do de! [telephone ringing.]
[ring.]
[beep.]
Hello.
Hey, everyone! I've got geoffrey! Hello! Hello, geoffrey.
Do you hear them? All the way from new york.
They're all drunk.
I can hear that.
Where are you? At barbara's apartment.
She's giving us a closing party.
Oh, you wouldn't believe this place.
The view of central park is amazing.
Wait, wait, wait.
Geoffrey, I just have to tell you That was the most incredible evening I've spent in the theater.
It reminded me of why I wanted To be an actor in the first place.
And I am totally terrified to work with you.
God! Barbara hasn't changed a bit.
She's so great.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
Oh, I can't wait to see you.
I've been fantasizing about my homecoming.
Me, too.
What's wrong? Well.
.
[coughs.]
Last night I wept uncontrollably In front of 1,500 strangers.
Oh Ok.
Um We can talk about it when I get home Tonight.
I love you.
Mm-hmm.
Me, too.
Hey, everyone, tell geoffrey you love him.
[all saying "we love you, geoffrey".]
[beep.]
Uh, well, I have 10 to 6:00 a.
M.
Eastern standard-- Oh, wait.
He just walked in.
Man, british accent: Very good.
Can you stand by? I'll be back to get a level in half a sec.
Cheers.
Cheers.
God.
They really say "cheers" in England.
So, do you want to talk about last night at all? No.
Yeah, I know.
The schedule has just been brutal.
You're probably just tired.
I know i'm tired.
You know what I did this morning? I poured cream in the coffeemaker.
I had to rinse it out.
It was all burnt.
Richard, I wept uncontrollably For 20 minutes.
Yeah, but you know, the funny thing about weeping, Because things are going so well right now.
Yes, it is funny.
Geoffrey, are you sure you're up for this, Because, you know, this is the b.
B.
C.
This is important.
The queen might be listening.
Hello, geoffrey.
If we could just get a level before we begin.
Richard, you can rest easy.
I will not embarrass you or her majesty With any spontaneous weeping.
Good.
Thank you.
And richard.
Uh, sibilance, sibilance, sibilance.
[snoring.]
Come on, ducky.
Wakey, wakey.
We have to go back to the hotel and pack.
Why? Where are we going? Lord love it.
We're going home, dear.
Ha ha! Five shops? Seriously? That's all there is in new burbage? No, no, no, no, no, no.
There are There was the christmas emporium.
There's save-mor.
And did I mention the chipwagon? No.
Ha ha ha! I want to introduce you to someone.
Ellen, this is christopher norton.
Ellen is one of my oldest friends.
Christopher: And I couldn't take my eyes off you.
It was like watching a young vanessa redgrave.
I said to my friend skye, I said, "who is this woman?" Who are you? I'm just ellen fanshaw.
[laughter.]
And, uh Who are you with? With? Exactly.
Oh, IHa ha ha! I thought you meant Oh, my agent's name is olive barlow Of olive barlow talent.
I'll look her up.
Again, it was great work.
Barbara, call me.
That sounds so trite.
ButCall me.
Who was that? Chris.
He's huge.
He's just an agent, But he has been packaging everything.
Oh.
"just ellen fanshaw"? You need to learn how to promote yourself.
Man: Geoffrey, your productions are known For their bare-bones style of staging Coupled with an almost unbearable emotional intensity.
Oh, god.
Are they? What's your secret? II don't know.
I don't know what i'm doing.
I just do it.
Any particular influences? Too many to count.
What about the late oliver welles? Oliver? Sure.
Him And every director i've ever worked with And every actor i've ever worked with And my mother and my father, My grade-7 teacher, my little dog ruffles.
I've been influenced by anyone i've ever met, And i've stolen from everyone I've ever worked with.
Didn't picasso say something like "bad artists copy, good artists steal"? Yes, and he also said, "good taste is the enemy Of creativity," And I take great comfort from that.
Ha ha ha.
Your "macbeth" has just finished A smashing run in new york.
I see here the "times of london" called it perfect.
Ha.
ThatThat That's a ridiculous statement.
Uh, but, uh Greatly appreciated.
Hi.
Richard smith-jones here.
Good morning.
Theater is dynamic.
It is constantly in change, From performance to performance.
So the concept of perfection Is meaningless.
I mean, it's as meaningless As me saying, "oh, hi.
Look at me.
I'm north of the north pole.
" This is meaningless.
Yeah, but also, you know, I think a great tribute To the staff and team We've assembled here in new burbage, Which, among other things, has resulted in A year-over-year profit increase of 350%.
But geoffrey, these types of notices, Given your history at the festival, Must be immensely gratifying.
Your next production is "king lear.
" How do you plan to top yourself? [sighs.]
Geoffrey.
This is absurd.
It's far too absurd for Whatever time it is in the morning.
So I thank you, And I thank your majesty.
Thank you so much for being on my money.
And that does it for us.
I want to thank geoffrey tennant Oh, how did it go? Where's geoffrey? Oh, not good, eh? No.
It was fine.
It's just that geoffrey's Things are going well, aren't they? Things are going really well.
They are! But he's He's miserable.
You know, he's moody.
He's sarcastic.
I mean, I know he's an artist, But does he have to be an artist all the time? On the radio? Well, some people don't handle success very well.
Speaking of which Oh, my gosh.
"canadian business.
" I used to dream of this.
[chuckling.]
Oh, where's geoffrey? Oh, he's probably gone to bed.
You'll see him this afternoon At the world music festival.
Is that today? Oh, god.
This schedule is killing me.
What are you doing in so early? I always start work at 6:00.
Oh.
Good work ethic.
What set are we on? Uh, gloucester's castle.
Ok.
And what's handy? Well, we're in the main hall, so chairs, tables, Wine jugs, goblets.
Spoons? Yeah, there could be a spoon.
My first idea is spoons, all right? Cornwall, he's got the blood pack in his hand.
Gloucester, he's got the eyeball.
It goes a little something like this, all right? Upon these eyes of thine, I set my feet, Blah, blah, blah, and then Yeah.
Yeah, and I can light that tight.
You know, lights down Eyeball pin spot.
That'll mean blood spatters on regan's gown.
We'll need doubles.
You know, that's That's one way.
Could I have that for a second? But I justI think shakespeare had it down.
It's way more fucked up If cornwall digs them out with his own fingers.
You know what I mean? What's more disturbing than this? I mean, imagine a finger going into the eye socket, you know.
And then it's like-- I mean, you would literally, like, hear, you know, The optical nerves, you know, snapping.
You'd probably smell somebody else's hand.
And then it would be like-- ok.
Ready? Watch this.
"upon thine eyes of mine, I set my foot.
" and then it's like Aah! Aah! Aah! You know.
Something like that.
You know what I mean? But I mean, it's totally your choice-- You know, thumbs or Thumbs or spoons.
[inhales.]
Thumbs, I think.
Thank you.
Next.
The storm--lighting and special effects.
Ok.
Geoffrey, is it true? Richard said I could have anything I wanted.
Yeah.
He said the same thing to me.
Ok, becauseI'm thinking of using the sierra system.
It's very expensive.
What does it do, this sierra system? [loud thunder.]
[wind blowing.]
[thunder and wind stop.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, man, that was great.
Geoffrey, what do you think? Well, it's, uh It's very realistic.
Too realistic? What do you mean? I mean, we can make it real, But is real what you want? Or is it like madness, right? I mean, you know, is the storm really happening? I mean, I know it's really happening, But is it like a crazy storm of madness In lear's head or Nahum, what do you think? Hard for me to say.
In my theater in nigeria, We would shake a large piece of tin.
It worked quite well.
"canadian business.
" I used to dream of this.
Of course, in my dream, it was just me, but still Richard, why am I here? I don't have to say anything, do I? Nah.
Just say a few words, thank them for coming.
I don't think it matters.
They don't speak english.
It's pointless.
It's not pointless.
We're the face of the festival.
For god's sakes, would you put it away? [music continues.]
Speaking of faces, any hints On who's going to play lear? Is it william shatner? I haven't decided.
Oh, come on.
What's to decide? He's captain kirk! [music ends.]
[applause.]
Is this it for today? No.
You've got the marketing meeting at 5:00 And you've got the arts administrators dinner at 8:00.
What? No.
No.
I can't.
Geoffrey, it's a national conference.
You've got to.
You speak better than me.
No.
I can't richard.
Ellen's coming in tonight.
And aside from which, I do not want to run the risk Of, you know, weeping in front of another room Of entire strangers.
Look, you were stressed.
We're all stressed.
[applause.]
[applause stops.]
[takes deep breath.]
[sobbing softly.]
You have to do the announcement.
Me? Yeah.
All right.
[geoffrey sobbing.]
Uh, well Los perditos.
Los perditos.
Weren't they terrific? [applause.]
Obviously, this is a very emotional time for us.
It's been so moving to see all you foreigners, Artists and musicians, do your thing all week long, But unfortunately, the festival is over, And it's time to say good-bye, and that's very sad.
[geoffrey sobbing loudly.]
Very, very, very sad.
UhBut to you, we say bon voyage, Which means "have a pleasant journey home" In one of our 2 official languages French.
Well, thank you very much for coming.
Thank you, everybody.
[applause.]
I'llI'll do the dinner.
[sobs.]
If you will all turn To page 17 in your annual report, You'll see in figure 4 that as of last June, Our advance sales-- 21 days or longer-- Continued its steady climb Until we were 85% to 90% capacity, And that gave us a year-over-year improvement Of 350%, so [applause.]
Ok, any questions? Woman: Mr.
Jones.
Smith-jones.
Smith-jones.
I am so sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
Really? Thank you.
The financial turnaround is one thing.
I mean, it's very impressive.
But the artistic turnaround.
I mean, that's really remarkable.
[applause.]
Could you comment on that? Comment? WellWhat are your influences, Artistically speaking? ActuallyI'm just stumbling around in the dark Like everybody else.
I think i've stolen every good idea i've ever had.
But as picasso is alleged to have said, "bad artists copy, good artists steal.
" [laughter and applause.]
Weeping.
Ellen: Wailing? No, weeping.
Very Really heavy crying.
You know what? It's nothing.
I cry all the time.
It doesn't mean anything.
It'sIt's healthy actually.
Oh, look.
Look at this.
It's chanel.
Barbara made me buy it.
It cost a fortune, But I can wear it to the opening.
I'd really like to believe that.
No, I will.
No, I mean about weeping being healthy.
Well, geoffrey, forget about it.
It's just a one-time thing.
Well, it happened again today.
So it'sA 2-time thing.
Just don't obsess.
You obsess about little things, they become big things.
I don't think it can be sadness.
I mean, it feels like sadness.
I don't think it can be, because Well, things have never been better, And why would I be sad When things are going really well? You missed me.
MmmI missed you.
I thought about this all the way home.
I thought about it all through barbara's party.
I thought about it all through The second act of the final performance.
What about the first act? I was thinking about my dress.
So i've got no macbeth, i'm hemorrhaging subscribers, And my ad-account executive is in jail.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That is terrifying.
Ha ha ha! ListenI know this is stupid, But could you sign this for me? Ho ho! I know that guy.
Sure.
UhI don't have a-- I do.
Oh, you do? Thank you.
[click.]
[writing.]
There you go.
"to melinda.
" what does this say? "rock on.
" I didn't know what to put.
Ha ha ha! Say, where did everybody go? Administrators, you know.
They're all home in bed with hot milk And their copy of the pact agreement.
Right, yeah.
Well, I, um Guess I should get going, too.
You know, I may be down In new burbage next week, If you wanted to go for a coffee or Something? Ok.
What day are you coming to town? Uh Tuesday.
Or Wednesday.
Thursday or Friday? Ha ha ha! Here's my card.
Just call me Mr.
Smith-jones.
Right.
Oh, I am so going to get laid.
Well, that's an eye-opener.
Ha.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no I mean, I I suppose This kind of thing happens, You know, occasionally.
I guess we could be grateful I'm not weeping.
No.
This is serious.
This is a problem.
It's me.
It's me, isn't it? No, it's not you.
That's exactly what people say when it is you.
Ellen, would you please just calm down? I think this is probably, you know, Stress-related.
You're right.
You're very stressed.
Hmm.
You should see a doctor.
You need treatment.
Ok.
What happened To the "don't obsess about the small things"? Well, it's become a bigger thing.
This is our sex life.
What if we never make love again? What if 2 weeks ago in my hotel room In new york was our last time ever? Ok, you want to know something? You are reacting in the worst possible way.
This is the single worst possible way That a woman could react to this situation.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I'm very, very sorry.
It's common, isn't it? This kind of thing happens all the time.
Wait a minute.
I remember an e-mail.
A chinese homeopathic remedy For men with penile problems.
Richard, you forgot the check for the minister, For the photo op.
Anna, I said big, not gargantuan.
Well, they had 3 sizes.
I thought bigger would be better.
Anna, it's not going to fit in there.
Ok.
How about the trunk? This looks ridiculous.
No one will notice.
You'd better get going.
Uh, mr.
Archer's assistant called, Wants to stick to Friday.
Why? Why do I always have to change my schedule for him? I don't know.
She said It's a really important issue.
Fuck! [engine won't start.]
Ah, shit! I'll get the jumper cables.
You need a new car, richard.
I know! I know! Stalled again? Yes.
He needs a new car.
And how are we today? We are fine.
We haven't criedYet.
Oh, it's still early.
Good.
Good.
UhDarren's in your office.
OhTake a knee.
Sometimes it's best to just work through the tears.
Anna, for god's sake! That's what I do.
Yeah.
Darren nichols.
Grotten van netherlands, geoffrey.
It's chocolate.
Of course it is.
And how was your winter in amsterdam? Fantastic.
No tourists.
Just the dutch, damp and pale.
I swear, the pronunciation Grows even more guttural As the days grow darker.
Ha ha.
What is it you were directing again? A musical based on humpty-dumpty.
Very dark.
The dutch went crazy for it.
Oh, those dutch.
I must say, I've fallen in love with the musical genre.
It's the art form of the common man.
If you want to communicate Something to the proletariat, Cover it in sequins and make it sing.
It's noisy, vulgar, and utterly meaningless.
I love it.
I'm very eager to begin.
And we are eager for you to begin And to conclude also.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, yes.
I'm counting on your input, geoffrey.
Why the fuck would you want my input? I've come to realize that the repulsion We feel for one another may, in fact, Be the source of our creative energy.
Darren, i'm going to be real busy with "king lear.
" Oh, come now.
I want you At casting, at rehearsals, And at every preview.
Geoffrey, our musical Will blow the roof off this place.
Danke.
To the set.
This is going to be great.
[camera clicking.]
Sorry.
The flash is Can we take the picture? Yeah.
I'll get more out of my car.
Ok, look.
Could you hurry? Because this is the minister of culture, all right? Sorry about that.
I'll make sure you get A really nice framed copy for your wall.
Whatever.
You know, minister, I thought you'd be pleased.
Pleased? That we paid our loan back early.
Why do artists make such a big deal When they exercise basic financial responsibility? We lend you money.
You pay us back.
You don't get a parade and a handjob.
Ok, minister, come on.
Look at all these.
Look.
Each one a photo op.
Ooh.
This one actually bounced.
Some shifty little bastard from a poetry magazine Brought this in, and it actually bounced.
The fucker! God, I feel like a truant officer with you people.
Jesus, minister.
You know, I You know, i'm a taxpayer.
Excuse me? Yeah, i'm a taxpayer, and I think that funding-- Are you talking back to me? No, minister.
Go to hell.
Ok.
Big smiles, everybody.
WellNo more champagne and oysters.
No more star-struck fans waiting at the stage door.
No more fire island.
No more cheesecake.
A couple of dreary-looking shrimp And a crusty old deviled egg.
After all the reviews we got.
I hate it here.
Hi.
Hi.
How did it go? My car stalled on the highway.
Get a new car, richard.
It just needs a tune-up! You have a problem with success.
What? What do you mean by that? I mean you've worked hard, And you've succeeded brilliantly.
So treat yourself.
Go out and buy a shiny new car.
No.
Used maybe.
Or maybe an off lease with God, maybe I do have a problem.
What i'm saying is that these recent problems, You know, the weeping and theDown there-- The erectile dysfunction.
Ellen.
That's what it's called.
Well, thank you.
Anyway, I think it's actually bigger.
I think it's, like, me and everything.
You've conquered broadway.
You're doing "lear," a play you love.
Which i'm having some trouble with at the moment.
What kind of trouble? Well, casting mostly.
Every canadian celebrity over 60 wants to do it, And richard is pressuring me to go that way, And I don't know.
I don't know.
I think i'm going to go and talk to charles again.
Charles kingman? Isn't he a little old? Well, old is the right age for lear.
And it's notIt's Ellen, I really need To talk to somebody right now.
Wait a minute.
There's barbara.
Ha ha ha! Oh! I'm here! You're here! Can you believe it? How's your apartment? Uh! No, no, i'm kidding.
It's fine.
I mean, it's a little small, And it's above a dry cleaner's, so there's a smell.
Oh, you can't stay there.
Oh, it's fine.
I told myself I will not be a diva.
It's fine.
So what if the windows won't open? Stay with us.
No, no.
I won't intrude on you and geoffrey.
Geoffrey won't mind.
WellMaybe just until they find me something else.
I want to start torturing my director right away.
Where is geoffrey? Oh, he was here.
Oliver? [tapping.]
So, like, do you want to see it? It's parked just outside.
No.
Oh.
So, why are you selling this car? My dad got me an s.
U.
V.
You should tell him what happened inside the car.
Maybe then he'd want to buy it more.
Why? What happened inside the car? [giggling.]
Well, nothing happened.
Or at least she says she doesn't remember it.
Ok.
UmHow much is your asking price for this vehicle? 5,000.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, i've got the money.
It's not that.
It's just that, you know God knows, my car is dying.
It's just that, you know, i've had it a long time.
So it feels like who I am Or who I was.
Ha ha.
I don't know.
Maybe it's the way I was raised.
Boy, but i'll tell you kids, SuccessWhew It's very, very[whistles.]
You know, we're doing great this year, But, you know, that could be dumb luck.
And next year, it could all come crashing down, you know.
And then i'm left driving around In some cherry-red girlie car, looking like a complete fool.
[sighs.]
Um 4,500? I'm sorry.
Um I've got another meeting.
[laughing.]
Man: And yet to save a truth, Reason and love keep little company together nowadays.
Thou art wise As thou art beautiful.
Not so neither.
But I have wit enough to get out of this wood.
I have enough to serve my own turn.
Out of this wood do not desire to go.
Thou shalt remain whether thy will or no.
I am a spirit of no common rate.
The summer still doth tend upon my estate.
And I do love thee.
Therefore go with me.
I'll give thee fairies to attend on thee, And they shall fetch thee jewels From the deep and sing Whilst thou on pressed flowers dost sleep.
And I shall purge thy mortal grossness So that thou shalt like an airy spirit go.
Pea's blossom, cobweb, moth, And mustard seed.
And here come the fairies, All except mustard seed, who's in dialysis.
So we'd better take a break.
Bravo.
I'm not too early, am I? No, not at all, geoffrey.
Sorry to bring you all the way down here, But this is our last day of rehearsal.
When do you open? Oh, tomorrow or the next day, Depending on who's alive.
Thank you.
I always order 2.
It saves time.
I hate being in the middle of a really deep conversation And trying to get the waiter's attention, you know.
Yeah.
Of course.
Tell me more about how you and geoffrey work together.
I mean, you guys seem to have this really amazing rapport.
Well, you know, geoffrey does More of the art stuff, and he's impossible To rope into the administration stuff.
So that really puts the pressure on me To keep the theater solvent.
Tell me about it.
My a.
D.
Is an ass-grabbing alcoholic.
I've had to clean up more of his fucking messes Than I can tell you, but he's a genius And married.
Oh, enough about me.
You go on.
Go on.
Well, you seem pretty interested in the rebranding, So I brought you a little surprise.
I accept.
Mrs.
Richard smith-jones.
Who knew? Ha ha ha! I'm kidding.
Good.
I'm totallyHa ha ha! Um, I had my assistant Print off the daily box-office reports.
Now, I know you can follow numbers, So you can see how dramatically The upswing in sales came when it happened.
I mean, it's not tom clancy, But it's pretty compelling stuff.
What exactly do you and geoffrey do together? I mean, does he ask you about anything creative? Do you evenDo anything creative? Oh, well, you know, we're all a band Of brothers up at the theatre.
It's just that some of us direct or act Or hang lights.
Asshole.
What? You're just another Of those fucking numbers guys, right? I mean, you do these tedious grant applications And funding and union contracts.
It's dull! Your life is dull! Isn't that your life, too? Fuck you.
Ha ha ha.
[crying.]
I'm [sobbing.]
I got to tell you, charles, It's been a long time since i've heard People enjoy themselves in rehearsal.
WellLife is short, geoffrey.
You shouldn't do it if there's no fun in it.
When did you become so fucking sunny? Well, you caught me on a good day.
[chuckles.]
You've come to tell me you're going with a movie star? Ha ha.
Well I justI need someone to talk to.
I'm losing my focus, and, uh My usual resources have Well, they're failing to keep me erect, If you know what I mean.
Um [sighs.]
I want you to tell me about the storm.
Well It's lear, isn't it? Lear.
A kingStripped of everything-- Riches, loyalties-- Standing naked in the heath.
"blow winds and crack your cheeks.
Rage, blow.
" Do you hear the storm? Mm-hmm.
And then he sees his fool Waiting for him in the rain, Standing there shivering in the cold.
And something in him stirs.
"in, boy," he says.
"go first.
" An incredible thing for a king to say.
Then he turns back into the storm, And he actually prays.
"poor naked wretches, whereso'er you are, "that bide the pelting of this pitiless storm, "how shall your houseless heads and unfed sides, "your looped and windowed raggedness Defend you from seasons such as this?" [gasps.]
He says, "i've taken too little care of this.
" He makes the connection between his own suffering And the suffering of others.
He's losing his mind, But on the way, he's finding his heart.
I never thought of it like this.
You can go right through the ages of man with shakespeare, And in the end, he gives you this enormous gift of lear To anticipate your own decay.
Hmm.
Well, well, well.
You've just given me a peck of trouble.
How? I want to do your lear.
Oh.
Sorry.
Anna: Richard, where have you been? StalledAgain.
You're supposed to be meeting with mr.
Archer.
He's been looking for you everywhere.
Shit! Where is he? In the parking lot.
He was about to leave.
Shit! Sorry.
I don't know what's going on.
Richard: Mr.
Archer! Mr.
Archer! Richard, you're late.
Well, then you should have fucking rescheduled.
I'm sorry? Richard.
I am the executive director of this festival, Not your damn butt boy! You want a meeting with me? You tell me the fucking agenda.
You got it? Richard.
Richard, relax.
This is bullshit! Richard! Huh? If you have a second, richard, We'd like to give you this car To thank you for all your incredible Leadership and vision this season.
You saved the festival, And this is a token of our appreciation.
Isn't that great? [sighs.]
I am not king lear? That's correct.
I would have been a pretty good lear.
And i'm sure you will be someday.
You know, I spent 7 seasons at stratford.
Some of the critics said that my hamlet Was touched by greatness.
I'm sure it was.
I'm just I've decided to go in a different direction.
A different direction from greatness? I'm going to go with charles kingman.
[laughing.]
Yeah.
Ha.
Ah.
[ahem.]
kingman.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Interesting choice.
Bold choice.
Your marketing department Might even call it an insane choice.
Look, I just wanted to say that it's been A real pleasure getting to know you.
There's no need for that, ok? I'm a big boy.
I'm a big boy.
I can handle it.
I'm a big boy.
I thank you for your understanding.
Oh, no, bless you.
Please, geoffrey.
The director's obliged to share his vision Of the play with his lead.
When I was doing "the aviator" With marty scorsese, you know, he'd assess My role with me, you know.
So I, um I wish you and charles the best of luck.
I appreciate that.
I sincerely hope That you and I can find something to work together on.
ActuallyI have an ideal project in mind.
Oh, yeah? What? "king lear," starring me.
I beg you.
Oh, ken, please.
You son of a bitch.
You toyed with me! You dangled that role in my face! I didn't dangle anything.
"I turned down kenneth welsh.
" Is that what you're hoping to crow to the world? No, not at all.
I wasn't available anyway.
You got that? I turned you down! Is that what you want me to say? That's the truth of it.
Call my agent, you big piss ant! Ok.
I'm sorry.
Oh, man.
Sorry.
[sighs deeply.]
Ok, when you get to your opening night, Just before the curtain goes up, Could you do me a favor? Anything.
Suck on this! Oh! Uh! Jesus.
I've waited all my life for that part! You are a dream fucker, geoffrey! I curse you, and I curse your production! [knocking.]
Enjoying your new car? God, the insurance on this kind of thing Richard, you should feel very proud.
You've earned it.
Enjoy it.
I'm a fraud, anna.
How are you a fraud? I'm not a leader or a visionary.
I'm a bureaucrat.
I'mI'm a bean counter.
Yes, but you're a good bean counter, And you care about what you do, And you're detail-oriented.
Oh, richard, please don't cry.
You're making me cry.
Who the hell am I, anna? Who the hell is richard smith-jones? Ok.
Well I can't stand this.
So i'm going to go away, ok? You have a good cry.
Get it all out.
I'll be in the office.
Ok? Take your time.
[exhales deeply.]
Dear god, help me, help me, help me! Woman's voice: How can I be of service? What? Bmw assist.
How can I help? Hey, um Geoffrey, I-- What happened to you? Nothing.
What do you want? Did you hear I got a new car? Congratulations.
Yeah.
I just sat in it and cried.
I couldn't stop.
Christ.
Maybe it's a virus.
You know, all I ever wanted Was for this theater to be successful, And now it is.
And I can't enjoy it.
I mean, my whole experience of this Is just numbers and box office And marketing meetings andAnd You know, there's got to be more To a life in theater than this.
Oh, god, I know that feeling.
Yeah? Yeah.
Look, richard, I don't think I can continue like this.
I justI can't do all these meetings And the fundraising and the interviews And the committee Shit.
I just I'm no good at it.
It makes me weep, among other things.
All I want to do is direct "king lear.
" So I need you to do something for me.
I am asking you to take over all of that other stuff.
What? More meetings for me? Yeah.
That doesn't help me! Geoffrey, I came to you for help Trying to figure out who I am and What i'm doing here.
Ok, richard, get a grip.
Take a breath.
[breathes deeply.]
Why'd you come here in the first place? Do you like the theater? Yeah, I like the theater Especially musicals.
I mean, I love musicals.
Ok, this is great.
You see, this is a very happy piece of symmetry, BecauseI hate musicals.
And I don't think I can sit in a room with darren nichols.
I'm quite afraid that this time, I will put something sharp into his frontal lobe.
So why don't you go to the musical rehearsal And be me? You can sit in.
You can give your ideas.
You can connect to the creative process, And you will discover what's going on in here.
Really? Yeah.
I could do that? Really? It's all yours.
Ok.
Sure.
Hey, good meeting.
That's a very good meeting.
Yeah.
You feel better? You feel good? Yes.
Yes, I do.
That's great, because i'm going With charles kingman for king lear.
[door opens.]
acorn media Captioned by the national ---Www.
Ncicap.
Org--- call the understudy I can't go on tonight i'm drinking with my buddy i'm getting kinda tight before they raise the curtain i'll be higher than a kite so call the understudy I can't go on tonight tell the cast and crew to break a leg break a leg roll me out another bloody keg bloody keg I need to ease the pain that life can bring life can bring and liquor is what will hit the spot the play is not the thing so call the understudy I think it's only right my diction will be muddy i'll never find me light before the intermission i'll be pissing on a sprite so call the understudy I can't go on he can't go on I won't go on he shan't go on I can't go on tonight Damn right! [laughter and applause.]