SMILF (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
[LARRY GIGGLING.]
[BRIDGETTE.]
Oh, my gosh, Larry.
Look how big this dog is.
That's big doggie.
Should we get it? - No - No? With your mouth.
I got it.
Oh, you dropped one.
You want one? There's a very lot of cookies.
We'll just put these over to the side here.
Ragu, creamy mozzarella.
That looks like I'm gonna find a coupon for you.
Oh, do you think they could have any more choices than this? They're trying to confuse me.
Larry, look at this stuff.
What about ninja gear? You want that? [BABBLES.]
That, how about that? Which one? Oh, that's so cool, look.
You could learn French.
French? [INDISTINCT P.
A.
ANNOUNCEMENT.]
I'm just gonna do this, so.
Edmond? Edmond? Edmond? Edmond? Mondo! Oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
Um I thought you were someone else.
- [MAN.]
That's okay.
- I beg your pardon.
[MAN.]
Mm-hmm.
- [TUTU.]
Guess what? - [BRIDGETTE.]
What? [TUTU.]
I thought I saw Edmond in here today.
- Really? - Edmond, you know.
He's the other part of that heart, right? Yeah, I know who Edmond is.
Remember, he's the guy that I left for your father.
I think I did break his heart too.
- You did, I know.
- I know.
Too bad you didn't stay with him.
Why? You would've lived happily ever after, probably.
Maybe I would've, maybe.
- Hey, can you get this for Larry, please? - What is that? That's a cute thing, but Bridgette - Come on.
- Did you see the price tag? $399, no, I cannot.
He needs it to get ahead.
Well, he'll get ahead using flashcards like every other kid in the world.
Just get me these nunchucks.
Bridgette, you're not teaching him the good oh, a knife? Come on, it's a it's a toy.
[SCOFFS.]
I'll just get you the cheap stuff on one condition.
You have to come over for dinner tomorrow night.
- What are you cooking? - My famous sauce.
- Okay, fine.
- Fine.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Hey, sir, can you pass me the knife? [MAN.]
Oh, here you go.
Thanks.
Here you go.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC.]
And I was an orphan Till you came along I was an orphan till you came along Life wasn't so fun In fact, it was wrong But all that's left to do is Hold on [WHISTLING.]
[RYAN.]
Well, thank you, everyone.
That's all the time we have now, so we'll close the meeting like we do every week with a prayer.
[SIGHS.]
So if you'll stand, join hands.
[ALL.]
Our father Our mother [ALL.]
Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name Bridge, did I overshare? What no, it was great.
Yeah, it had a beginning, middle, and end.
I just feel like I'm whining all the time.
Yeah, but that's why you're here.
[ALL.]
Amen.
A-woman.
Here comes your boyfriend, here comes your boyfriend.
- Hi, Ryan.
- Hey, Bridge, welcome back.
What's up, Ryan? It's been a while.
Haven't seen you.
Oh, I'm not really back.
I just, um had one bad night, you know? We all have bad nights.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Yeah, thank you.
[RYAN.]
Um Eliza, that shirt might trigger some people.
I'm just Patty somebody mentioned it to me, I Ryan, I'm not the one.
- Well, keep coming back, you know? - Yeah.
Without a snack.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [RYAN CLEARS THROAT.]
- Bye, Ryan.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Bye, Ryan.
- [LARRY BABBLES GOOD-BYE.]
And a uno, a dos, a tres, ta-da! Ohh, Larry.
Yeah, B, what is that? I don't know, he woke up with this rash, it seems to be spreading.
Does it itch? Oh, yeah.
[ELIZA.]
You need to get that checked out.
I'm know chicken pox when I see it.
- That is chicken pox.
- It is not chicken pox.
Nope, and I've never had 'em, so let me come over here.
It's not chicken pox.
[ELIZA.]
Yes, it is.
Oh, no.
I am going to kill your dad.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
This is the line for the walk-ins, right? - Over here.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
[SIGHS.]
[HUMMING.]
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
[PHONE BUZZES.]
[PHONE BUZZING.]
What? Did you just decline my call? [TUTU.]
Yeah, what? I'm at Larry's doctor.
I think he has the chicken pox, but I gotta go to work, so can you come take over for me, please? Well, you better be careful.
You've never had chicken pox.
[BRIDGETTE.]
What are you talking about? I had it twice.
N-no, I would remember.
Yeah, I did.
I have a scar on my face from it.
How do you not know that? Well, you're right I'm a horrible mother.
[BRIDGETTE.]
No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, M [OPERA MUSIC RESUMES.]
[BOTH.]
W, X, Y, and Z.
Hey.
Hi, finally.
- Hi.
- Hi, nice to see you again.
You too.
Hi, buddy.
He has chicken pox? Well, I don't know.
He might.
But, either way, I want to get him vaccinated today.
You wanna what? Yeah, I wanna, uh, do that.
No, no, no, we talked about that.
[EXHALES.]
Can you just hold our place in line for a second? - Yeah, I'd love to.
- Okay.
- I love lines.
- Okay, bye.
[SMOOCHES.]
Okay, I really have to go.
Why are we bringing this up again? Well, I should be bringing this up every day.
The stuff they put in those vaccines is poison Okay, your mother has filled your head with some crazy shit, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, my mom informed me how America doesn't care about poor people.
Okay, what does that have to do with vaccines? It's government mind control.
I can't I can't with this right now.
I just can't.
Hey, hey, how long do you think this is gonna take? A long time, which is why I called you.
Bridge, I have my AA meeting today at 4:00.
I'm making the coffee.
You've been sober for over a year.
Can't you miss one meeting to take your kid to the doctor? You want me to bail on my coffee commitment, Bridge? I can't do that.
Okay, so I'm gonna rush through my job which houses, clothes, and feeds our kid so you can make coffee? Is that that's what's happening? Just wanna make sure we're Don't belittle my sobriety, Bridge.
- Thank you.
- Don't belittle Have a nice day.
Lines are heaps good, eh? I love 'em.
My parents met in a line.
One time in year eight, I, uh, waited in line for three days to see Kylie Minogue in concert.
Ha.
The longer the better, I say.
- Hey.
- Hey.
This my mate, Javier.
[ALLY.]
Thousand dollars for a brand new system.
They need to be replacing all the old pipe with brand new piping, okay? But they're not doing it 'cause I saw them.
So what I would I would like for you to do [BRIDGETTE.]
I am so sorry I am late Larry is sick.
Oh, hi, no worries.
What I'd like for you to do, please, is to go out there and watch them 'cause they will listen to you, okay? Watch them.
New piping only goes in.
No old piping.
New pipe, okay? You got it? Thank you, Elsa.
Oh, yes, here we go, hi.
[BRIDGETTE.]
I'm so sorry that I'm late.
It's just, Larry's in the hospital and - [ALLY.]
What? - I know, Rafi's there.
Oh, no, oh, I'm so sorry.
What's the matter? Um, he has a rash, but I don't know.
It might be chicken pox.
Oh, I hope it's not meningococcemia.
- What? - Oh, it was so traumatic.
Remember, Ida? I had to sleep in that chair.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- Hi, honey, how was your game? Another loss.
[ALLY.]
Aww.
[WHISPERS.]
Good, I hope he quits.
Wait, Ally, wait is menoginica? Meningococcemia.
Ask your doctor because it is no fun.
I mean, as soon as you're done tutoring tonight, I want you to go straight to that hospital.
Aah, I didn't see you come in! - Hi, Casey-boo.
- Hey.
Yeah, I'm just coming, uh, to give Ida my laundry 'cause I keep shrinking my polos.
- [CAN OPENS.]
- Oh, my gosh.
Look, did you say hi to Bridgette? Bridgette's here.
- Hi! - Hey, how you doing? - Casey.
- What's going on? - What's up? - Hey, I like your, uh, your sweater shirt thing.
Oh, thank you.
I haven't washed it in a couple days.
Maybe I should just drop it off with Ida.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
I would never do that.
So, how's Hah-vahd? Oh, he loves Harvard.
He just joined The Spee, which is the finals club that Mr.
Daddy was a part of.
- Oh, that's fancy.
- Uh Can I, uh, can I actually borrow one of Dad's suits? 'Cause we have a formal dinner thing.
Oh, sure, take whatever you want.
You want some cash? Want me to order you a pizza? It's all right, um Okay, it was so good seeing you, Bridgey.
You too, Casey.
Give you a little - Oh.
- Little nudge.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I'm sorry.
Bye, sweetie.
He's such a star.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Such a star.
I think you should probably get started with Rivers.
- Rivers? Okay, cool.
- Yep.
- [ALLY.]
Yep, yep, okay.
- Thanks, Ally, okay.
[RAFI.]
Hi, how are you? Uh, we're here to see Dr.
Dornetto.
- Insurance? - No.
Appointment? Walk-in, but it's really important.
Fill this out and get in the line downstairs.
- Another line, seriously? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
[RAFI.]
I'm never gonna make this fucking meeting.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, so, Jason's legacy is carried on by his children.
[SIGHS.]
So when Medea kills Jason's kids, she's destroying his legacy, therefore taking away his powers.
Rivers? Come on.
I'm in a really big rush.
I need you to focus.
Sorry, I'm totally listening.
[TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
Actually, let's take a phone break.
Okay, time's up.
All right, your essay is due tomorrow.
[RIVERS.]
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
I'm just gonna write it for you.
Just get back on your phone.
[RIVERS.]
Okay, thanks.
How many paragraphs does it have to be? Just don't talk to me.
[ALLY.]
Bridgette? [DOOR OPENS.]
Bridgette? Could you come in here, please? Hi, hi, no, in here, in here.
Hi.
Can you hand me my towel, please? I just got an email from Yoga Works, and apparently Joan is subbing the 5:30 class, which literally never happens.
She's incredible.
She's like a healer.
Finally, I get break.
The only thing is, can you just oversee things here for me a little bit? - Um, well, actually - Oh, my God, you're amazing.
[ALLY.]
I mean, and it's not really that much, I swear.
I just gotta get to the clinic.
[ALLY.]
Like, if you just make sure that Ida feeds the kids.
And don't let her give them mac and cheese.
It's really lazy, but really anything else is fine.
You know, whatever they'll eat.
What time will you be back? Oh, my gosh, I don't know how long I mean, no, it's a 90-minute class.
It's a 90-minute class, so whenever can you come in here, honey, quick, quick, quick, quick? Um Elsa, will you check on Elsa and the pipes? - [BRIDGETTE.]
Mm-hmm.
- And just make sure she gives Scotty a bath.
He's filthy.
Okay, pipes, bath, no mac and cheese.
Uh, burritos okay? Quesadillas? Um, Ally? [DISTANT DOG BARKING.]
Uh, sorry, um, oh, yes, this is what I was thinking.
Casey is definitely gonna forget his laundry.
- Okay.
- Will you have Elsa put it in the back seat of his car? Actually, will you put it in the back seat of his car? Because I trust you more.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
I couldn't live without you.
No problem.
You're such a good friend.
Thank you my shoes, good Lord.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, thank you.
- Okay.
- [ALLY.]
Going to see Joan.
Can you pick that up, please? Here I come, Joan.
[ALLY SINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
Mm.
[NELSON.]
There you go.
Where's your phone? [RAFI.]
Fuck, man.
- [NELSON.]
What? - [LARRY BABBLES.]
I'm gonna have to miss my meeting.
Baby, it's your coffee commitment, baby-boo.
Bridgette's stuck at work.
This is what she does.
Fuck.
Well, I I mean, I could look after him.
I mean, I've got nothing better to do today.
- Really, seriously? - Oh, betcha, baby.
- Baby, thank you.
- Of course.
Thank you, thank you, I love you.
- I love you.
- You're so fucking good to me.
- Bye, get out of here.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- We're gonna go home? We're not gonna go home.
We're gonna wait in the line with Nelly! [BABBLING.]
With Nelly.
That's me, yeah.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Say you're fond of fancy things Diamond clips And emerald rings And you want your man to come through Give him the ooh, la, la When your car is asked to stop Buy a handsome traffic cop Unless you want a ticket or two Give him the ooh, la, la [MAN ON TV.]
Great White gives birth, she is flooded with a hormone and it is the only time [OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SIGHING.]
Uh, Mom, can you help me tie this? Bridge? Oh, hi, Casey.
Um, do you, uh, do you know where my mom is? [BRIDGETTE.]
Yeah, your mom's at yoga.
She'll be back in a couple hours.
Can I help you with something? Yeah, I, uh, I mean, do do you know how to tie a tie? Yeah, come here.
Is that my mom's robe? What? Maybe.
[SNIFFS.]
Have you been drinking? Uh, maybe.
[CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY.]
There you go.
[CHUCKLES.]
You, uh, don't know how to tie a tie, do you? No, but we could go look it up on YouTube.
[CASEY.]
Ready? Oh, was oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
- It's so hot.
Yeah.
I don't want that much.
This is a lot.
[COUGHS.]
No, no, no, that was good.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Casey.
What? What happened to you at Harvard? What do you mean? I don't know.
Harvard's made you - What? - Just like oh.
You're just different.
Different? Yeah, just like, you know.
Well, in high school, I was different.
[BRIDGETTE.]
You were not.
- I was, I was.
- No, you were not.
You didn't see that part of me because I was studious.
You were not studious.
I wrote half your papers.
That is true.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah, and you helped me write my college essay, which was very good.
I wrote your college essay.
I spent a whole weekend writing that.
- I stayed up very late.
- [CASEY INHALES.]
You wrote everything, so, I mean, you're the one that should be there.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
Imagine if I went to Harvard, though.
I'd definitely own that bed.
Mm.
And, uh, I mean, you'd, uh, you'd own the robe.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Suits you well.
- I'd own the robe.
- Yeah.
That suit suits you well, Mr.
Marshall.
Maybe I should wear it to the parent/teacher conferences next week, Mrs.
Marshall.
The conferences are this week, Mr.
Marshall.
I put it on the family calendar.
You know I don't check the family calendar, Mrs.
Marshall.
Well, you should really start.
You're more beautiful than the day we first met.
That can't be true, Mr.
Marshall.
That was over 30 years ago.
Well, it is true.
I mean, how else would I be able to get hard at this age? [CASEY.]
Oh, tutor, I've just been bad.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Yeah, I am too.
- [CASEY.]
'Cause I'm bad.
- [CASEY.]
No, I'm a bad student.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
No, together.
[CASEY.]
Oh, I'm a bad student.
Casey, you're a good student.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Hold on.
It may be Rafi.
- Just want to keep fucking you.
- No, hold on.
Hello? Hi, Bridgette, it's, uh, it's Nelson.
Um, I'm here with, uh, Dr.
Dornetto and Larry.
- [BRIDGETTE PANTING.]
- Are you working out? - [BRIDGETTE.]
What? - Good on you.
Hold on, hold on, where's Rafi? [NELSON.]
He went to, um, his AA group.
Are you fucking kidding me? - [NELSON.]
Um - Okay, stop.
Does he have menoginitis? - What? - [BRIDGETTE.]
Mongomocemia? No, it's just, uh, it's just a rash, but the doctor wants to catch Larry up with his MMR vaccine, but we need parental consent.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Okay, uh, did you call Rafi? I thought it was better to call you.
- Yeah, you should do it.
- Yeah? Yeah, yeah, oh, wait, hang on, hang on, hang on.
You should definitely do it.
Yeah, my dad's a pediatrician, so I think it's really important.
Oh, my God, I don't know how I'd survive without you.
You're such a good friend.
Thank you, I love you so much.
I I love you too.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Okay, come on.
- [CASEY.]
Okay.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Okay.
- [BOTH MOANING.]
Are you talking to me? - [MOANING.]
- Fuck, I'm gonna come.
Oh, do you want me to come in you? - What, what no! - Want me to come inside you? - Where do you want me to come? - No, no, not on me! Oh, oh, fuck.
Oh! [CASEY SPITTING.]
Oh, fuck! Oh, God damn it, you made me come in my eye.
You should've moved your face.
Can you get me, like, some Visine or something? Okay, hang on, I'll be right back.
[CASEY.]
Ah, it burns.
Oh, fuck.
It's on my suit.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
[ELSA.]
Be careful.
It's smoking hot, yeah? [SIGHS.]
Okay.
Fuck.
Ally? Hmm, hey, Bridgette.
Hi, um, I spilled some sauce on my sweater when I was cooking dinner, and I was soaking wet, so I had to put this on.
I hope you don't mind.
Mm-hmm.
You know, everything everyone's tutored, everyone's fed.
I'm just gonna get back and get dressed and get going.
I just [BRIDGETTE.]
Are you okay? I just couldn't go to yoga.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Okay, well, I should probably Do you like McDonald's? - There's a lot of, um - Yeah, don't worry about it.
Just push it on the floor.
Just don't let it fall out of the car because I have to take it to throw it away in a different neighborhood.
I think there's some fries.
Um I've eaten most of the fish sandwiches.
Anyway, I just I just wanted a little time to myself, you know? Mm-hmm.
I was so excited about yoga, you know? - Mm-hmm.
- And then, I don't know, I was just on my way there, and I'm like I'm going to yoga.
I used to be a lawyer, you know? You don't know.
I used to be a lawyer.
- I did not know that.
- Yeah.
Wow, you are a fascinating woman, Ally.
[LAUGHS.]
I am not a fascinating woman.
Do you want some do you want me to go and give you some more time? - No.
- I should probably go anyways.
No, no, you're like my best friend.
You're so good to me, and you're so good to my kids.
It's really incredible.
You got some really amazing kids.
I mean, Casey's really grown up, huh? Since going to college.
He hates it.
Can't stand it.
Blames me for the whole thing.
Everything that happens in this house is my fault.
Hmm.
I'm really not that good of a tutor.
I write their essays for them sometimes.
Really? You're not supposed to do that.
I also didn't spill anything on my sweater.
I just got into your bath.
The same dirty bath water.
And then I put on your makeup and your jewelry, and then I just hung out in your bed that whole time.
It's okay.
We're both lesbians, right? It's okay.
You want some soda? It's diet.
No, no, no.
[GENTLE MUSIC.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[CARLOS.]
So all those lines for chicken pox? [RAFI.]
It was a rash.
[CARLOS.]
You keep on believing in them hospitals it was a rash.
[RAFI.]
What are you doing? Don't smoke in front of the kid, man.
My fault, my fault, you right.
I'm yo, you buggin'.
- All right, man.
- That's why - you don't got kids, bro.
- [BRIDGETTE.]
Yo, Carlos.
Carlos, you gonna smoke in front of my kid? No, no, no, no, hold on! You gonna smoke in front of my kid, huh? [CARLOS.]
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
But this is dope, though.
- Both Misses Rafis.
- Oh, my God.
I wanna get a hug before I get out of here.
- Get out of here.
- [CARLOS.]
You really the man.
- Hi.
- Hi, how was work? Oh, you know, it was intense.
Hi! - Hi.
- [NELSON.]
Aw.
Oh, I missed you.
Muah.
Your rash is gone.
Hey, baby can you get me a jumper? I'm super chilly, chilly, chillz.
Yeah.
I told you, you're too skinny.
I forget to eat.
Well, now that Daddy is gone What is it? Let's just quickly one, two, three.
That didn't hurt.
It didn't hurt, right? I told you it wouldn't hurt.
It didn't hurt? Yeah, it's like it didn't even happen.
Thank you so much.
Oh, it's no problem.
I mean, girl power is one of my main beliefs, so - Me too.
- Cool.
So is vaccinations.
Yeah, right, exactly.
Here's your sweater, babe.
Oh, thank you.
And this is the rash cream.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
[RAFI.]
Good night, Larry.
Love you.
- [NELSON.]
Bye, bye, Larry.
- Bye.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
[TV PLAYING.]
Fuck.
[SIGHS.]
Joe.
Hey, Joe.
- Mm, yeah? - Where's Tutu? Up up there.
[SIGHS.]
All right, can you put a cartoon on for him? [JOE.]
Okay.
[CHEERING ON TV.]
Okay.
Why don't you watch something, okay? I'll get you some food.
[BRIDGETTE SIGHS.]
[TV CHANNEL CHANGES TO CARTOON.]
[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY ON AUDIOBOOK.]
[BRIDGETTE.]
Knock, knock.
[TV MUTES.]
Special delivery.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, thought you were making sauce.
So did I.
Hmm.
I was really looking forward to it.
- You were? - Mm-hmm.
Maybe I can make some tomorrow.
That would be nice.
What were you listening to? - Angela's Ashes.
- Oh.
Trying to cheer myself up.
It's up to a really good part.
You wanna hear it? Sure.
There's no accidents, Bridge.
Listen.
[MAN.]
Worse than the ordinary, miserable childhood is a miserable Irish childhood, and worse yet is the miserable Irish Catholic childhood.
That says it all, right there.
Isn't every childhood miserable? Except for Larry's.
[TUTU.]
Except for Larry's.
I hope.
[SIGHS.]
[CARTOON PLAYING ON TV.]
[MAN.]
Whoa! Yeah.
This is like 'Nam again.
Every week, somebody's dead.
Huh? And you know your time's coming.
You just don't know when.
What? Yeah.
Like, every week.
Yeah.
Every week.
Somebody else dies.
Do you talk to God? Uh No.
Good.
This is a very good episode.
Have you seen it? - See that blond guy? - Mm-hmm.
Did it.
Why you gonna tell me that? I don't know.
It's good to know sometimes.
See that girl there? Mm-hmm.
You know, her name is very hard to pronounce.
It's like Marishka Harockity or something.
It's Mariska Hargitay.
I don't think anyone knows how to say it.
Mariska Hargitay.
- She's that right there.
- I know who she is.
She's the most trustworthy woman on television.
She is? Yeah, look at her.
All right, find another one.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Have you seen this one too? [TUTU.]
Yep.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Just tell me what happens.
[TUTU.]
Red shirt.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Yeah, hey, let's watch this.
Wizard of Oz.
[TUTU.]
Ah, God Almighty, is this the best movie ever? [BRIDGETTE.]
I know.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[TUTU.]
The Lollipop Guild.
[BRIDGETTE.]
Aw, the Lollipop kids.
[LAUGHING.]
I love them.
It's doesn't leave, I'm crazy It doesn't need a car That hidden place