SMILF (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

So Maybe I Look Feminine

1 Girls have feelings Girls have feelings Too, ooh-ooh-ooh Too, ooh-ooh-ooh Wake up, Mama.
Mama, please wake up.
Oh, God.
What time is it? - Mm-mm-mm.
- I'm sorry I didn't wake up.
It's okay.
You wanna go read? Okay.
[SIGHS] Okay, I'm I'm gonna go put on some PJs.
Oof.
Larry, I'm very hungover.
Okay, I'm up.
Okay, let's read a book.
Okay.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy, and as he runs, he found a special key [INDISTINCT] from Peppa Pig.
Peppa Pig went out one day and he found a magic bean and he ripped the page at the muddy puddle.
And he ripped the muddy puddle.
And Daddy Pig said, "Go in time-out in your room," and then she she leave and he was good.
He was all fine.
And the end.
Girls have Representative? Representative.
Hey, sorry.
I'm just on the phone.
- Hey.
We were just reading.
- [NELSON] Representative.
- Representative.
- Oh, you look rough.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] - [NELSON] Representative.
- [BRIDGE] Mm.
[RAFI] What are you reading, buddy? [NELSON] Representative.
Representative.
- [RAFI] Bridge, are you feeling okay? - [NELSON] Representative.
Representative.
[BRIDGE SIGHS] Calling your local official? [NELSON] No, I'm making a hair appointment.
Representative.
So what are you guys doing today? We're making "Dadurday" pancakes.
- What are Dadurday pancakes? - [NELSON] Representative.
It's like pancakes on Saturday, but since "Saturday" sounds like "dad," I made it "Dadurday.
" Now that I officially get Larry all weekend, - it's our new thing.
- Princess Nelly.
- [RAFI] You wanna come? - Oh, I can't.
- [LARRY] Princess Nelly! - I got a really busy day planned.
I'm gonna chip away at the old to-do list.
- Okay, sounds fun.
- [LARRY] Princess Nelly! - Princess Nelly! - At the Tremont location? Sorry, can you say that one more time? There's just a toddler trying to touch me.
- Princess Nelly! - Larry? Larry.
Larry! Shush.
- [NELSON] At Tremont? - Uh, shush-shush-shush.
- That's what a train does, isn't it? - You are such a lifesaver.
- [IMITATES TRAIN] - I've literally been walking around like - my hair's just a horror.
- Oh, I'll play with you.
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup-up-up [NELSON] Yeah, we're both blonde.
Giddyup - Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- [NELSON] Okay, great, and Marcel's doing it? Yes! Okay, great, thank you.
We'll see you then.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Hey, uh, so Larry was trying to talk to you.
Oh, yeah, I know.
He needs to learn better phone manners.
[SWEETLY] Doesn't he? Yeah.
[RAFI] Come on, buddy.
I think it's time for us to go.
- [NELSON] Sure.
- [RAFI] Oh.
Well, uh okay, just, uh, have fun.
Keep him alive this weekend.
First weekend without Mama.
These smell clean.
- [BRIDGE] Okay.
- Shoes? - Shoes.
- Here, I got it.
Check.
Thanks, babe.
Hey, listen, do you wanna come with us today to the salon? Oh, I, um I can't.
I got my busy day planned.
You sure? You know what Aziz Ansari says.
"You look better, you feel better"? Who's Aziz Ansari? [NELSON LAUGHS] Well, try to join us at the Drybar.
Let's go, babe.
- [BRIDGE] Okay.
- Get some rest.
[DOOR SQUEAKS, CLICKS SHUT] Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-di-doo Doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-di-doo - Hold on - Doo-doo-doo Okay, gotta buy stamps, preschool research, start yoga, parking tickets [SIGHS] cut out carbs, pay phone bill, pay electricity bill, pay last month's rent, pay this month's rent get a job start flossing.
I really gotta start flossing.
Tutu, Ally, Eliza Who the fuck is Brian? Having no love at all Hold on, hold on, hold on, here we go again Mm, so cute.
Mm.
- I guess - Baby, I guess We'll never learn - This craving for love - Staring contest? - Inside me burns - Go.
- It may turn out - Shit, I lost.
Like it did before Forced to take a whack at love once more Hold on, hold on, here we go again Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo - - Sha-doo-doo - Hold on - Doo-doo-di-doo-doo - Sha-doo-doo - Hold on Doo-doo-di-doo-doo - Sha - [CELL PHONE CHIMES] [EXHALES DEEPLY] - - [CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKING] [SIGHS] [CELL PHONE SWOOSHES] [CELL PHONE CHIMES AND BUZZES] - - Oh, shit.
- - [CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKING] - - [CELL PHONE SWOOSHES] [CELL PHONE SWOOSHES] - - [CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKING] [CELL PHONE SWOOSHES] [SIGHS] [MELANCHOLY ACOUSTIC MUSIC] You're the one who should shush.
Mmm.
[VOCALIST HUMMING] [BREATHLESSLY] Yes, I can! [SIGHS] [EXHALES] [PANTING] [GRUNTS, EXHALES LOUDLY] [GRUNTS SADLY] [PANTING] [EXHALES] [GRUNTS] [GRUNTS] [PANTING] [GRUNTS] [SIGHS] [SLURPING] [SPITS] Ugh.
[EXHALES HEAVILY] - - [DANCE MUSIC] I'm not a fantasy I'm not some kind of holy ghost I'm not a memory You turn to when you need it most - [BOTH SQUEAL] - [BRIDGE] Hi.
[NELSON] Oh! she came! Whoo! - Yes! - I'm so glad I found you.
I wanted to talk to you.
Yeah, look, have some champagne.
- Oh.
- They give you two at a time - so you can keep going.
- Marcel Marcel? Come here, come here, come here, come here, - come here, come here.
- Yes, honey.
Hi.
- Hi, hi, hey.
- Hi, babe.
- Hi.
- Can you please do my friend Bridgette a big favor and fit her in today? - Mm.
- I-I'm sorry, honey, I don't have time.
Could you come back tomorrow? - [NELSON] No! - I can come back tomorrow.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's got to be today.
No, no, no, no.
I'll give you such a big tip.
I'll see if I can squeeze her in, okay? - Thank you.
- Yas, queen! Okay, uh, choose your hairstyle, all right? And I'll meet you at the washing station in two minutes, all the way down.
- Don't be late.
- Okay.
Thanks, Nelson.
I still I really want to find time to talk to you.
I'm getting the Britney Spears.
I'm getting the Brittany Murphy.
[KIT-CAT] Aw! Rolling with the homies [KIT-CAT] Yes! You know it.
Do it.
Rolling with the homies - [NELSON] There she is.
- [KIT-CAT] Loves it.
- What should I get? - Oh, my gosh, you should totally go retro and get the Marilyn Monroe.
You know, because you've got bigger bones but such a beautiful face! Yes! I'll get the Monroe.
[BREATHILY] Happy birthday Mr.
President Don't leave without me.
I'll find you after.
[MAN OVER TV] My dream girl, you know, she's gotta be into sports, 'cause that's what I do 24-7, right? And she's gotta be there with me to do it.
[MAN] Oof, my dream girl - What show is this? - intelligent, funny, preferably blue-eyed, blonde.
- [MARCEL] Pretty Women.
- Yeah, my dream girl is someone who I can go to the outdoors with - and go hiking, camping - Never heard of it.
It comes on right after The Bachelor.
I think of her, I see sunshine, you know? Like, she's the type of girl that's just never unhappy, - [BRIDGE] Is it good? - no matter what's - going on.
- Oh, yes, girl.
But honestly, don't even start, 'cause you will get hooked.
I am looking for a new show.
good girl like, she helps out in the community, um, but is also a little bit adventurous in bed.
[MAN] I'm not really into anything superficial none of that material stuff, but she's gotta have a nice body.
And, you know, her tits, I mean, they don't have to be watermelons, but I don't want any crab apples.
I'm looking for sort of a Jay-Z/Beyoncé type relationship.
You know, I think she's aware of him cheating on her every once in a while, but they seem to be able to work it out.
He makes a good point.
All right, come on, honey, right this way.
Need you to come in here, sit down, and wait for me to come get you.
Then I'm gonna give you the perfect blowout, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
[WOMAN LAUGHING BREATHLESSLY] Oh, my God.
[LAUGHS] [SWALLOWING] Mmm.
Mmm! A seahorse.
- Oh.
- Hi.
[LAUGHS] [LAUGHING] Hi.
Sorry.
I was just admiring your cat eye.
Oh, God, no, it's such trash.
- But thank you.
- No, it's so perfect.
It's even on both sides.
How'd you do that? [WHISPERING] Scotch tape.
That is so smart.
I would've - never thought of that.
- Yeah, well, who would think of that? I mean, the only person smart enough to come up with that is Gwyneth Paltrow on Goop.
Oh, I've never read Goop.
You've never read Goop? What are you gonna tell me? What, next thing I know, like, Love Actually is not your favorite movie? - Oh, no, it is.
- [LAUGHS] Where are we? - Are we in the twilight zone? - It's the best movie.
Okay, well, you're gonna love Goop even more.
Everything I've ever learned that's valuable to me in my day-to-day life is on that site.
Maybe that's what's been missing in my life.
Would you let me do your eyeliner? Oh, no, I wouldn't wanna make you do that.
Are you kidding me? It's my favorite thing to do.
I do it with everybody.
It would be such an honor with those eyes.
I mean, I'm falling into the oceans of your soul.
I don't mean that in, like [WHISPERING] a lesbian way.
Okay, well, if you wouldn't mind.
[LAUGHS] Okay, okay, okay.
Do you have Scotch tape on you? Always.
Yeah, 'cause you never know when the eyeliner's gonna run, you know? It's best to look your best whenever you can.
Um today's a day where I just feel so blessed, you know? I feel like the love of my father and the love of my family has gotten me to this place where I'm marrying my dream man.
It's it all it's all just working out.
My most treasured memory with my dad is actually, um, based on Gwyneth's relationship with her dad.
When my dad heard the story about her and her dad, where he took her to Paris, he did the same.
And we went up to the Eiffel Tower, and he gave me this necklace that said, "I will love you forever.
You are the most beautiful thing in the world.
" And he taught me to love myself.
I really feel the love of my father too every day.
Are you close with him? I used to be very close too close, some would say.
[POP MUSIC] [BRIDGE] You know, I've passed by this place a million times, never been inside? - Shut up.
- [BRIDGE] I swear to God.
Okay, so what do you think? I like it so much more than I thought I would.
I know, right? The whole self-care thing, it really gets a bad rap, but it's like, what's the alternative? Laying in bed eating cookies all day? - [CHUCKLES] No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
- Oh.
- I'm so excited to get married! I am so happy for you.
Do you have a boyfriend? No, not really.
Ugh, dating's the worst.
It made me feel so awkward.
Right? Yeah, you get it.
People think I'm always dating, and I literally never date.
Well, it only has to work once.
At least that's always what I used to tell myself.
That's such a great way to look at it.
Just imagine my face telling you, "It only has to work once.
" So what does one do at a bachelorette party? - Strippers? - Ew.
No.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.
- I met Brad at the Ralph Lauren counter at Neiman's, so I'm taking everyone to a polo match.
That sounds so fun.
Okay can I be honest with you about one thing? Sure.
Anything.
Okay, but please don't be mad at me? - I'm not gonna be mad.
- Don't be mad at me.
Just say it.
Well, I think you should consider going blonde.
Whoa.
[VOCALIST SINGING BREEZY FRENCH TUNE] [PLAYERS SHOUTING] [CROWD CHEERING] - Thank you.
- [LAUGHTER] - Oh, watch your step.
- [LAUGHS] [BRIDGE] Look at the horses.
- [NELSON] What? - Oh, look at that pastel.
It feels like Easter, but it's not.
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Great hookup.
I'm having the best time already.
- Me too.
- I'm having the best time.
- [LAUGHS] - Oh, my God.
- [BRIDGE AND NELSON] What? - Oh, my gosh.
- What? - Look at this.
It's a picture of a seahorse holding a Q-tip! Aww.
Aww, he's holding a stick with his little tail.
Oh, my God, it's so cute.
Guys I wanna frame it.
- Oh.
Oh, oh.
- [PLAYERS SHOUT] [NELSON] Hey, they did a thing! Oh! Go! [WHOOPING] Oh, I don't eat bread, but thank you.
Oh, I don't eat bread.
Thank you.
[GASPS] Is that Kevin Bacon on a horse? - Oh, my God, it is, it is.
- It is.
It is.
Oh, my God.
My favorite movie of all time is Hollow Man.
[TOGETHER] Me too! - You can marry him.
- No way.
- Yes way.
- He's so cute.
Would you take a picture of us? - I'd love to.
- And I'll totally take - a picture of you guys after.
- Okay.
- There you go.
- My gloss.
Let me know when you're ready.
Yeah, good.
Good, good.
- Okay.
- Okay, BRB.
Oh.
Where are you going? [CROWD CHEERING] Oh, my God.
Wow.
It's really such a good idea.
Right? Okay, cheese.
- You guys look so good.
- [CAMERA APP CLICKING] - Can we see them? - Oh, yeah.
Here.
Thank you.
Guys, look.
Okay, let me take a picture of you.
Okay.
I wish we had mannequins.
Well, you don't, so arm, chin, tits, arch back, go.
Good.
Yes.
I wanna throw up, you look so fucking hot.
I mean, honestly, I would go down on you, except vaginas are so gross.
- Got it.
- Ooh, let's see! Okay.
Oh, it's so good.
I think it's the blonde, right? I mean, it's totally the blonde.
Plus, I used, like, five different filters.
- [BRIDGE LAUGHS] - I love you.
- Oh, wait, Nelson.
- Hmm? Thanks for getting me out of the house today.
Bridge, I've always thought we'd be best friends if it wasn't for Rafi.
Really? Real, real friends, for realsies.
For realsies.
Forever-ever.
I gotta pee.
BRB.
[VOCALIST SINGING GROOVY FRENCH TUNE] [URINE TRICKLING] [HORSE WHINNIES] [HORSE WHINNIES] [HORSE CHUFFS] [MIMICS NEIGHING] Hi, pretty girl.
Hi.
You want that? [MIMICS NEIGHING] [MIMICS NEIGHING] [MAN] You seem to have a way with her.
[GASPS] I'm sorry.
- Is this your horse? - It is.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Kevin.
- Oh, I know who you are.
- I'm Bridge.
- I see you've met Peggy.
Peggy.
What a lovely name.
Thanks.
I named her after Pegasus, the immortal winged horse that sprang from the neck of the beheaded gorgon Medusa.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
I like to study mythology, you know, in my free time.
- So cool.
- Oh, I think this is yours.
Oh.
[GIGGLES SOFTLY] So, Bridgette what's your last name? Bird.
Bridgette Bird.
Kevin Bacon.
There's something about you, Bridgette Bird.
Bad? No, not bad.
[STAMMERING] I don't know.
I don't know, it's just maybe it's the way you are with Peggy.
You're just you're so humble.
[MAN] Kevin, we need you.
Oh, shoot.
I'm sorry, I got I gotta go.
I gotta get ready for the halftime show.
Don't go.
I w I was hoping you'd, um What? I wanted you to What? Will you finger-bang me? - Okay.
Good.
- You want that too? Yeah, that's exactly what I want.
- Oh.
- But I just want you to be sure.
Oh, I'm sure.
Can I kiss you? Yes.
[DREAMY MUSIC] [BOTH MOAN SOFTLY] Okay, just checking in.
Um, I'm gonna finger-bang you now.
Okay.
Okay, but not in front of Peggy, okay? 'Cause she's sensitive.
- Come on.
- Okay, um oh, here we go.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY] [GASPS] Okay.
I'm gonna go in right now.
- Great.
Okay.
- All right.
- This a good time? - This i uh, I'm ready.
- Okay, right now? - Just finger me.
[HORSE WHINNIES] [MOANING AND GASPING] [MOANING LOUDLY] [HORSE WHINNIES] [EXHALES] [CHUCKLES] [BOTH] Whoa.
- Whoa.
- [BOTH LAUGH] Whoa.
[EXHALES] I mean have dinner with me tonight? - Where? - Anywhere.
- Okay.
- [MAN] Kevin! Now! Shut the fuck up, all right? I heard you the first time! [MAN] Okay.
Sorry.
Nah, it's okay.
It's all right.
My bad.
I think this is the best day of my life.
You do? [CHUCKLES] I'm gonna see you right after the halftime show, okay? Okay.
[SIGHS DREAMILY] Oh, wait.
Kevin.
Your glove.
Keep it.
[EXHALES] [INHALES DEEPLY] [PLAYERS SHOUTING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [BELL DINGING] Hey, where have you been, Bridge? Guess who just finger-banged me in the barn.
[TOGETHER] Who? Kevin Bacon.
[TOGETHER] What? And he gave me his glove and we really connected and I think maybe he's my person.
- Wow! - [KEVIN] Ladies and gentlemen, the Hamilton Polo Field would like to thank you all for your generous donations to the rehabilitation of these beautiful - He just fingered me in the barn.
- [KEVIN] former race and polo ponies.
- Oh, aww! - [KEVIN] These horses are rehabilitated, nursed back to health, and trained in the esoteric art of hip-hop dressage.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy our fantastic halftime hip-hop dressage show.
- Who that is, ho? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] That girl is a tomboy, that girl is a tomboy - That girl is a tomboy - Come on! Who that is, ho? That girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy, that girl is a tomboy Who that is, ho? That girl is a tomboy, that girl is a tomboy That girl is a tomboy - God, I'm so happy.
- I know, me too.
I'm so glad you brought us here, Bridge.
There's something I wanna talk to you about.
It's been weighing on me all day.
Yeah! We're girlfriends now.
You can tell me anything.
My little titties be booking cities This morning when you snapped at Larry, - it made me kind of upset.
- Really? Why? Well, I saw his face after you brushed him off.
He got really sad.
With my little titties and my fat belly [NELSON] Oh, come on, Bridge.
Larry was sad? [BRIDGE] Yeah, he was so sad.
He felt hopeless and defeated.
I know you want what's best for him and you wanna protect him, but you're gonna mess him up.
I'm gonna mess him up? What do you know about parenting? [NELSON] It's never your fault, Bridge.
Just get over yourself! This whole poor, sad sob-story single-mum thing is getting so old.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you! - [FLESH SQUELCHES] - Ow! [CROWD GASPS] [NELSON] Ooh, are you okay? I'm fine.
[WHEEZES] I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Holy fucking shit, that's gotta hurt.
I feel good.
It grazed me.
I don't even think it hit my face.
- You're not fine.
- I've never felt better.
I'm totally fine, you guys.
Somebody help her.
[EMMA SNEEZES, WOMEN YELP] - [GASPS] Ew.
- [WOMEN WHIMPER] Gesundheit.
- Will someone help her? - I'm fine.
Is everybody else okay? I'm a bride, so Someone help her! [EMMA] This is the best day of my life.
- [EMMA] Guys, honestly, I - Will someone help her? - [EMMA GASPS] - [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING] [PENSIVE ACOUSTIC MUSIC] [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] [BREATHING HEAVILY] - - [CELL PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKING] [CELL PHONE SWOOSHES] [GRUNTING] [RETCHING, LIQUID SPLASHES] [COUGHING] [SPITS, GRUNTS] [PANTING] [TOILET FLUSHES] [KAREN DALTON'S "SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND" PLAYING] Yesterday - Any way you made it - [MAN] Come on.
Was just fine So you turned your days into nighttime [LARRY] Mama! Yay! Huh? You wanna give Mama a big hug? She couldn't last a day without you.
Go give Mama a big bear hug.
Go get her! - Go get her, go get her! - Whee! [SMOOCHES] Hi.
How was your day? - Yay.
Good.
- It was good? I missed you today.
- [BRIDGE] Thank you.
- You're welcome.
We'll try again next weekend.
Let these times show you That you're breaking up the lines Leaving all your dreams Too far behind Didn't you see? [WOMAN] Supasmaht.