Snatch (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

The Smelt Down

How much gold is this Nas Stone fellow looking to buy? 250K sterling.
That should take care of your immediate problem.
- King Royston's boy.
- Yeah.
I haven't seen you around here in a while.
Didn't think I was welcome.
Business or pleasure? Loads of pleasure.
My man! How you want your skrilla? Cash.
- Who are you? - I'm Uncle Dean.
Looks like you're single, girl.
I never could smell the roses, Mrs.
Hill, but I could always sniff out a rotten apple.
Well, it all went according to plan.
Until it didn't.
Yeah.
Yeah, listen, I'm going away for a very long time, darling.
I need you to be tough, Lil.
I need you to be hard as nails.
And I need you to do something very important for me.
I want you to send a smoke signal to every firm on the plot.
You tell them there's bent cops on the streets with gold.
Shit loads of gold.
You tell them finders keepers.
You tell them I don't care.
I don't care who gets the gold.
So long as it's not Bob Fink.
Bingo.
Give us a minute, would you, Charlie? Who is that lump, Al? You don't wanna know.
Patsy.
So what's it gonna be, Albert? The bolt cutters or a happy ending? Here you are.
It's all there.
It's all accounted for.
Every last bean.
So we good? Skin of your teeth, son.
Now don't forget, if you ever need a stop gap, you got my digits, boy.
First stop, take a little trip to Saul Gold.
Get him off my case.
Yeah, the best place for your cock might have been that pickle jar.
And what is that supposed to mean? No, just kidding, Al.
You know, sense of humor and all that.
Yeah, well, I fail to see the funny in that actually, Charlie.
Mum? Mum! Oh, no, no, no, no! This cannot be happening! - Where's the gold, Al? - Give me a second, Charlie.
- All right? - Where is it?! How are we gonna fix this unmitigated fucking disaster?! Will you shut up?! Charlie, give us a minute, please.
Of course, Mrs.
H, yeah.
When were you planning on telling me? I didn't want to worry you, did I? It's a bit late for that.
Talk.
On fight night, we went after Castillo, but we hit the wrong truck.
The truck we did hit was transporting the gold.
Who's gold is it, Albert? I don't know.
But it's got the same stamp as Dad.
This bloody gold.
Bloody, bloody family! Leave it now, it's gone now, leave it! Bob Fink was here yesterday asking about Dad.
Asking about you, Albert.
Bob Fink was in here? Did he do this, Mum? That would be my guess, yes.
He didn't find the gold, though.
So where is it? I should've thrown it in the bloody river.
Mum, where is it? I moved it down the market to Father John's.
You beauty.
Come on, Charlie.
You got plans? Maybe.
Maybe what? Who's to say we got those diamonds back? - Maybe - Mwah.
we could take a long ride together.
Mwah.
Get out of this shithole.
Nothing holding us down, nothing holding us back.
Live life on the move.
Freedom.
Keep the stones.
Leave the others with the gold.
Fair trade, if you ask me.
I've been best mates with Al for 20 years.
You think I'll bail on him for a half-decent pair of tits like you? Half-decent? Best tits you ever copped hold of.
I had to keep an eye on you while Castillo was still a threat.
Now it's done.
You kicking me out? I've got nowhere to go, you asshole! Oh, you're a smart girl! - You'll work something out.
- Yeah, too smart to be with a cupboard squatter like you.
Moving on? Moving on.
- No.
- Yes.
- No! - Yes! No, how did you pull that off, Billy? Well, four Pikeys walk into a pub Oh, yes.
What about Castillo? There is no Castillo, Al.
What about Norman? He still got a pulse? Barely! - They dropped him off at your mum's.
- My mum's, why? We couldn't exactly take him to the hospital with fragments of safe decorating his face, now could we? All right, fair enough.
Bob Fink's messed the shop up.
- Bob Fink? - Reckon he was looking for the gold.
How did that turncoat get onto us? I have absolutely no idea.
Yeah.
That one might might just be on me.
The video.
My bloody slippers.
Slippers? Make some sense, Charlie.
Fink cornered me the other day.
Ooh! Spouting some nonsense about seeing my slippers on the heist video.
What? And you told him what exactly? I didn't say a word.
Okay, he got nothing from me.
You might as well have worn a badge with your name on it.
You should've told me about this, Charlie.
We could have avoided this problem.
Well, I messed up.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys.
It's not like I'm a seasoned armed robber, is it? No, you're not.
Oh, now I've burned the bloody eggs.
I'm gonna get these back to Saul Gold.
Ooh, yeah, uh, wait for me, Al.
This better blow my wig back, boy.
The inventory's accounted for.
So we're done? Don't get all puffed up because you fixed your own screw-up.
Your father, poor bastard, can rest a little easier now.
Now, listen good.
I've got a pickup down by the railyard, and I need two boys.
Couldn't be simpler.
I've got a Sheikh with more money than a horse has hair.
He needs a wedding gift for his new wife.
What kind of a wedding gift? I don't know yet, but I've set up a meeting to find out.
Lovely, so what you need me to do? It's what Charlie Cavendish-Scott can do.
Oh! Do tell.
So Sheikh Zeshan studied at Oxford University.
He'll be used to a certain type of Englishman.
Country estates not council estates, I get it.
Let's pay your Sheikh a visit.
Let's put him into a gold state of mind.
Ahh! I heard the good news.
All sorted with Saul.
Told you I'd sort it, didn't I? Oh, and sort it you did my boy, and sort it you did.
Mwah! You're chipper.
What happen, you win the bingo? Well, you know, a stretch in the hole gives one time to reflect upon life's priorities.
The hole? Come on, what did you do? Oh, no, the prison therapist calls the hole a metaphor for my emotional condition.
If, perish the thought, you'd visit me a little more often these past few months, you'd be more acquainted with what your old man's been going through.
I'm terribly sorry, Dad.
Why don't you tell me? What have you been going through? Well I've had visions, son.
Visions of the past.
Visions of the future.
Visions of how things should be.
What's the skinny on the truck heist? The gold bullion? Don't know, the street went dark on that one.
But you've seen the video, haven't you? Yeah, of course I have.
Who hasn't? It really reminded me the way they robbed that truck, of me! Although, it does lack a certain finesse.
All brass bollocks and no brains.
So what's the plan with the winnings? What are you gonna do with it on the inside, anyway? There is no inside.
No walls.
None that matter, anyway.
You look tired, son.
Get some rest.
Do you trust Father John with our gold, Al? I don't trust anyone with that gold, Billy.
Until we can move it, better the devil we know, eh? Comes from the Lord! He who keeps you will not slumber.
The Lord will keep you from all evil.
Amen.
Mighty be his name, Hallelujah! - You get all that, Billy-Boy? - Oh, I'm born again, Al.
In the house of Father John.
Albert Hill.
Give him praise.
Give him adoration.
So it appears you have inherited your father's spirit for adventure.
Something like that, Father John.
Life's either a great adventure or nothing at all, my son.
I have a parish project I'd like to discuss with you.
Give whatever you can give.
Reach in your pocket and Are you looking for redemption, mate? Redemption? Before lunch? Your path begins here, brother.
With Father John.
For a tenner.
Cheap at half the price.
Keeps the Devil from your door.
Speak of the Devil and his horns shall appear! Put one of those on ice for me.
I trust attendance is good at the moment, Father John? Yeah, well, there are many lost souls in need of the Lord's protection in these most troubled of times.
So what's the price to keep my commodity safe and sound? That depends on the value of the commodity and its exposure.
Two million views.
The Internet is a marvel of communication, is it not, Albert? So what's this gonna run me? Well, the mission is in desperate need of repair.
I've been quoted 50,000 for a new roof.
A fair contribution for the work involved.
And what insurance do I get for this contribution? Security's tighter than Fort Knox's asshole, son.
50 grand to a bent priest? Mate, I thought we were the ones supposed to be making good off the gold.
We just gotta find a buyer.
Charlie, where are you? I'm at the hotel.
Chloe there? Right by my side.
Come over to the houseboat as soon as you're done.
I gotta take care of something.
Billy Ayers getting attached.
Behave yourself, soppy bollocks.
You don't think I'm overselling it, do you? - No.
- Oh, oh.
One thing to bear in mind, the Sheikhs are super fickle.
A year back, Saul spent weeks trying to fix a deal, only to lose it by calling one of them sir.
Well, what should he have called him? Sheikh, Charlie.
Their title is Sheikh.
Once we're done with these Sheikhs, um, maybe you and I Lord Cavendish and Chloe Koen here to see Sheikh Zeshan.
I like these Sheikhs.
What's this? Who are you? - Sheikh Zeshan, Chloe Koen.
- Pleased to meet you.
Please may I present Lord Charles Cavendish.
At your service, Sheikh.
So what do you have for me? More necklaces? Tiaras? Not another damn Faberge egg.
Better.
Lord Cavendish has a large holding of exquisite, one-of-a-kind gold artifacts.
I have palaces full of gold artifacts! I'm getting married in a few months, and the princess is not easily impressed.
I need something, um unexpected.
I know exactly what you mean.
Lord Cavendish has just the thing.
Yes, I do.
Wh wh which one of my many artifacts did you have specifically in mind? The solid 24 karat gold bathtub.
Imagine it.
Your fiancée.
A soapy lather.
That unmistakable glint.
Bathing in gold every night.
A glimmer of pure opulence.
Enriching the man who slips in beside her.
I want one.
What?! You don't have one?! Of course we have one, Sheikh.
When is delivery? We fly out to Dubai tomorrow night.
The price is 10 million pounds sterling.
Blah blah, I like it! I'll buy it.
Well, you won't be disappointed, sir Sheikh Ze Zash Zee 4:00 p.
m.
tomorrow, we'll be in touch about the location, and your men can pick up the bath.
Thank you so much, Sheikh Zeshan.
Ahh, throw another log on for me, love.
Nice day at the beach, darling? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the water was lovely and warm.
Now now listen, before you react, uh, just take a moment.
What have you done, Vic? I hit a screw.
I don't know why! You selfish bastard.
You had three months left.
You'll have another 18 months on your sentence.
I've done enough time in here, Lil.
- I can't do anymore.
- No, Vic, no.
Don't you try it.
Don't you dare.
The wheels are in motion.
Gotta go.
- Vic.
- I gotta go, luv.
Vic! It's time.
I'm gonna fly the nest.
Should we use the same lab up in Chelmsford? Nasty zombie meths up there.
Them boys were chewing their faces off.
Heh.
The nastier, the better.
Yeah.
Done deal.
We deliver to the Sheikh tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow slow down.
How much does he want? All of it.
He wants all of it! A ten-million-pound gold wedding gift.
I mean, money is just no object to this guy.
So all the gold gone in one fell swoop? Ten million quid? Simple as that? Well, there is one small catch.
- What catch? - Yeah.
We have to smelt it first.
Smelt it? Into what? - A bathtub.
- A solid gold bathtub.
And how we supposed to do that? Oh, Jesus, Al.
We don't have all the answers.
Well? What do you want? I dunno.
I guess I just wanted to sort things out after this morning.
Nothing to sort out.
We're moving on, right? Oi, here's the thing.
I'm not the boyfriend type.
I'd be a shit boyfriend 'cause I've never actually been one.
What are you talking about? You know, the guy you call every day, the guy you spend all your time with.
That guy isn't me.
I just wasn't made that way.
What, and you think I am? Sonny Castillo is dead in a dumpster.
I'm not the settling down type either.
I just wanted to get away from all this shit.
And you were the closest guy with a six-pack, a motorbike, and a bag of diamonds.
So, uh, we good? Good, bad.
Who gives a shit, right? Yeah.
Who gives a shit? Mmm mmm mmm! So what's with the big rush? We've got a buyer lined up for tomorrow afternoon.
Your traveler mates, they know how to smelt gold? Yeah, Uncle Dean.
He'll be the man for the job.
Why are we smelting gold exactly? We need to make a gold bath.
A gold bath? A gold bath? Yeah.
Well I made a gold shitter once.
So can you do it? Can you make a gold bathtub? Aye.
I'll give it a crack.
Ladies and gentlemen, ready for the main event.
Contrary to popular belief, the majority of Travelers are well-heeled, hard-working citizens.
True, we enjoy an alternative lifestyle.
attempting to evade the punitive taxes that a hostile government imposes upon us.
But never forget you are amidst the greatest craftsmen you have ever seen! You sure about this, Al? I am far from sure about this, Charlie.
Horse shit and wood ash.
Nature's crucible.
Sure, it has to withstand temperatures of 1,950 degrees Fahrenheit.
I have the young'uns on the job, bringing it to the boil.
In our little community, when there's a job worth doing, we all muck in.
So start digging, ya ballicks! The girls have fashioned you a beautiful bath made entirely from wax.
Won't it melt? That's the whole idea, darlin'.
Lost wax casting.
It's in the name.
Come on, girls! Hey! Time is a 'wasting! Ready to pour? Ready so.
Alchemists and metallurgists have been in our family for generations.
Millennia.
We have taken our skills east to China, south to Egypt, and all across the Holy Roman Empire until this place at this time.
But never has an outsider been witness to our magic.
Tonight, tis your honor to pop the cherry.
Pop whose cherry? One clean strike.
So what happens now? Well now we get twatted.
'Cause there's nothing we can do till the morning.
It's a painful proposition being human.
From the moment we leave the womb we're at the mercy of the oppressors.
the lecherous the inhumane.
It's a wonder a miracle really that one ever achieves any peace at all.
Eat up, boys.
We're here all night.
All right, so let's open her up, take her clothes off, and see her naked.
Whoa! - And come on! - Ahh! Aah! Sheikh's here, Charlie.
Okay.
Okay, stay calm.
Hello, Sheikh Zeshan.
Why did we have to come here? No showroom? For such a high-priced item, we deliver on-site for insurance purposes.
I have a plane to catch.
Where is this bath? I'll have it brought around now, Sheikh.
We're on.
Where the hell is it?! I should have just bought her another yacht.
Oh, here it is now, Sheikh.
Who are these two? Th th these are just my delivery men, Sheikh.
I like it.
It's unique.
Does the bird come with the bath? What did you say? What is this? I'm a mediator.
Engaged to make sure all parties are satisfied.
Nothing to be concerned about, Sheikh.
Uh, shall we, uh, complete the, uh, transaction, Sheikh? This is a lot of force for a bathroom fixture.
Bathroom fixture? This is a 24-karat, handmade gold bath, mate.
With all due respect, Sheikh, this is an exquisite piece.
As my assistant here plainly pointed out, this is a 24-karat bath.
A collector's item.
Handmade by the finest artisans.
Well, there are other people interested.
I'll take it, I'll take it.
If you could transfer the agreed funds - Ring it up.
- Okay.
- Yes, 2-5-3-6-7-1 - Zero.
- 6 - Zero zero.
Albert Hill! You've been a naughty boy.
Yalla, let's go, let's go! No, no, no, no, no! Shit! Up and at 'em, boys! Fink! Well, come on then! Chloe! Don't you touch her! Aah! Whoa! Are you prepare to shoot a man of the cloth for material gains? Uh, yeah.
In a heartbeat.
Get in! Go, go, go, go, go! Fuck! Fuck! We need to get out of town.
There's way too much heat.
My family's place in the country.
Straight up the M1, it's perfect.
Well, I hope it's comfy, Charlie, 'cause we might be there for a while.
Aah! Aah! To the brim? Everything okay? Yes, Norman, fine.
Thinking about Vic? Amongst other things.
So he's on the countdown.
Three months and he's home Oh, I don't know, Norman.
What's with all the questions? Eh? You worried gonna have to start cooking for yourself again? Sorry, that was a little strong.
While I was convalescing, I was remembering the times you'd cook me and Vic a fry-up after a job.
Always at some ungodly hour.
We'd polish off a bottle or two.
Vic would be snoring on the sofa, and you and I would talk and and giggle till it got light.
Having a laugh.
Yeah, they were good times, Norman.
For all of us.
Who is it? Police! Open up or we'll put the door in.
No need for that.
Lily Hill, you alone? Firstly, you know exactly who I am, and secondly, of course I'm on my own.
You put my husband behind bars.
We have reason to believe you're in possession of illegal firearms.
Up to your old tricks again, Bob? Oi, be careful with my things! Come on! - Find anything? - Nothing here, sir.
All right, well, check in there.
- Done, checked, it's - Check again.
Sir! I found something.
Oh, for Christ sakes! Lily Hill, I'm arresting you on suspicion of possessing Prohibited Weapons defined by Section Five of the Firearms Act, 1968, You do not have to say anything, but it may it harm your defense if you do not mention my questioned something which you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
All right? Off we go.
Two pair.
- Full house.
- Mmph! - Deal me again.
- Right, why, you up? - Can I get involved? - There is a minimum stake.
Will these do? Ah, white chocolate.
My favorite.
Nice bit of shopping, Smudger.
That's for you.
I can smell the fresh air already, Vic.
Good boy.
Cheers, Mr.
H.
Whose house did you say this was again, Charlie? Oh, my cousin Monty.
Where exactly is Cousin Monty? Zurich, last I heard.
Might have run a bit afoul with the Inland Revenue.
Naughty, naughty Cousin Monty.
In we go.
They leave the keys to this place under the plant pot? You know, rich people shit.