Soap (1977) s01e12 Episode Script
Episode 12
1 [.]
ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica admitted her affair to Chester, but Chester wouldn't admit his affairs to Jessica.
So Jessica walked out on him.
Corinne caught Peter nibbling another woman's ear and told him if she ever caught him fooling around, she would kill him.
Jodie, who tried to kill himself because Dennis left him, woke up alive.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode of Soap the morning after Jessica walked out on Chester.
Good morning, Benson.
Good morning.
Looking for someone? Huh? Who in the world would I be looking for, Benson? Mrs.
Tate.
Why would I be looking for Mrs.
Tate? Because she didn't spend the night here.
What are you talking about, Benson? Of course she spent the night here.
Oh, yeah? Then where is she? Uh, she went out early this morning.
Mrs.
Tate don't leave early no morning.
Mrs.
Tate can't find her shoes much before noon.
It just so happens that this morning she got up very early and went out.
Good morning, Daddy.
Good morning, princess.
Good morning, Benson.
Mm.
I've gotta go, Daddy.
Oh, tell mother I won't be home this evening.
I'm flying to Washington to cover Congressman McCallam's press conference.
And then she's gonna cover McCallam.
[LAUGHING.]
Shut up, Benson.
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
Oh, Benson, I've got to have a cup of coffee this morning.
[GASPS.]
What a night I had.
You know, Chester, when people get angry and storm off and say: "That's it.
I've had it.
I'm leaving," I wonder where it is they go.
Thank you, Benson.
Well, you see, I went to the beach because, you know, I thought that would be a nice, quiet place to think.
But, Chester, it was freezing cold and then this seagull kept attacking me.
So, of course, I couldn't stay on the beach and I went to an all-night movie, but, I mean, I couldn't stay there because of that man.
So I just What man? Oh, this man that sat next to me.
Chester, I was the only one in the entire movie and then this man came in and with all those empty seats, where do you think he sat? Next to you.
Right.
And even though the theatre was terribly warm, the entire time he kept on his, uh Trench coat.
Right.
Yes.
And I mean, Chester, if that wasn't bad enough, I couldn't even hear the movie because of his Heavy breathing? Right.
Chester, do you know him? No.
Well, by that time it was 6-something in the morning and the sun was coming up, and, oh, Chester, it was wonderful.
Well, Jessica, I'm glad that you came to your senses and decided to come home.
Oh, I didn't come to my senses, Chester.
Well, I mean, I did come to my senses, but I think I may have come to different senses than you would have liked.
What are you talking about, Jessica? Well, you see, Chester, I know what you've done, and I have decided to Well, "forgive" wouldn't be exactly the right word because I'm not gonna forgive you, but to put it on the shelf for now.
But, Chester, if it ever happens again, I'm afraid I won't be able to put it on the shelf.
By then, the shelf will be full.
Why are you standing there grinning, Benson? I don't know what I love more, her sticking it to you or you getting stuck.
[.]
Nice how we're both getting out on the same day.
This way, neither of us gets left alone.
Yeah.
Hey, kiddo, you're leaving the hospital, you're not entering.
You got your moods confused here.
What's the matter? This may sound crazy, but I kind of don't wanna leave.
Of course you don't wanna leave, because it's safe here.
Barney, when I came in here, I had a life.
I knew who I was, what I was gonna do, what I wanted.
I had someone.
Now I don't know.
Listen, kiddo, we're not so different.
I also have to go out there alone.
But neither of us knows what tomorrow is.
And I'll tell you something, Jodie, neither does anybody else.
Nobody knows.
Robert Redford doesn't know what tomorrow is.
They could decide tomorrow, nobody with moles works.
He's finished.
But what we do know is that when we're born, we're given just one thing: time.
Of course, if you're a Rockefeller, you also get property.
But most of us just get time, Jodie.
Use it.
Enjoy it.
Me? I'm gonna learn French.
What? That's right.
When I get out of here, I'm gonna enrol.
I'm signing up right away.
I'm gonna learn French.
And maybe I'll go someday to Paris.
And if I die first, who knows, maybe God is named Pierre.
Hi.
Hi.
Ohh.
Nurse Beautiful.
Oh, watch yourself, sweetheart.
In my street clothes, I'm a tiger here.
Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you two.
What? Come on.
An old man and a homosexual? Whatever comes next has gotta be better.
All right, it's time for my last bathroom attempt.
I feel like Livingstone setting out for Africa.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Well, I'll kind of miss you too.
You will? Yeah.
Why? Hey, you're a nice person.
I'll miss a nice person.
Oh.
Well, uh, maybe, uh, sometime we'll have dinner together or something.
Sure.
When? Oh, I don't know.
Tonight? Tonight? Wonderful, 8:00, I'll give you my address.
Wait a second.
How about French food? I know a terrific French restaurant.
Listen, this is just dinner, you understand? Sure.
Dinner.
I mean, we'll have a meal together.
Right.
No dancing.
This is not like it's a bona fide date or anything.
Right.
It's a meal.
Right.
A meal.
Right.
We will eat and we will talk.
Right.
And then, we'll go to bed.
Woo-ha.
No "woo-ha," it's a meal.
I mean, we'll just have a meal together, that's all.
Sure, it's just a meal.
Come on, Jodie, it's like me and French.
You never know when you might use it.
So you got somebody to pick you up? Yeah.
My mother's downstairs.
Ah.
Okay.
Barney, I, uh I hate to say goodbye to you.
Well, it doesn't thrill me, either.
I mean, besides being wise and caring Please, Jodie No, no, no.
You're gonna listen.
I mean, you've talked plenty.
Barney, you've made me feel terrific.
You're the first person I've ever met who put aside what I was and just simply liked me.
Never in all my life have I ever met anyone like you, Barney Gerber.
Well, now I guess Don't say it, I don't wanna hear it.
No goodbyes.
Because, while I was in the bathroom, I, uh I wrote down my address and my phone number.
Well, what else was I gonna do in there? Now, I want you to go and write likewise.
Listen, Jodie, I realise that people often exchange these things.
And then, months later, they find the scrap of paper and they, uh They put their chewing gum in it.
But that's not gonna happen here.
No, sir.
Because I don't let somebody I like get out of my life.
And in the second place, having my dentures, it would be very reckless for me to chew gum.
Ah.
Hey, you're a terrific guy, Jodie.
Go.
Be happy.
Hey, you can, you know.
Come on.
It's up to you.
It's just a choice.
Look, you'll find another guy.
Or you'll find a girl.
Or you'll find no one.
It doesn't matter.
You got you.
And you also got the sunshine, huh? And you got the flowers.
You got music, and once in a while, whenever you want, you got Barney Gerber.
I'll see you, Barney.
Yeah, I'll see you, Jodie.
[.]
Look at him.
He's getting ready for the next shift.
Ava, Corinne's gonna be here any second, so you gotta go.
Sorry, baby.
Oh, please, I love it.
Hit and run.
Very romantic.
Next time, perhaps we could wait until I put down my tennis racket? [KNOCKING.]
Oh, there she is.
Goodbye.
What? Are you crazy? I can't leave here half-dressed.
The whole club will know, and in two minutes, my husband will take our joint savings and my Jaguar and leave in a rocket.
Okay, then.
In the bathroom.
Please, but be quiet.
No.
I thought I would sing something from Carmen.
Corinne's mother.
Uh Corinne's not here.
Oh, good.
I was hoping I'd find you alone.
Uh, look, Jess Please, Peter, I've got to talk to you about Corinne.
I mean, she won't answer my telephone calls.
She won't talk to me and she won't see me.
Is she all right? Is my little girl happy? Oh, happy.
Oh, is she happy.
She's so happy, Jess, and I'm happy.
We're both happy.
We couldn't be happier.
You know, she's changed my life.
I am now a one-woman man.
Really? Jessica, I love her.
Oh, Peter, that's wonderful.
Uh, Peter, I have to ask you something.
Oh, we're happy, Jess.
Really, really happy No, no, not that.
[WHISPERS.]
Could I use the bathroom? No.
Absolutely not.
Sorry.
Why? Well, it's a mess.
Uh, the bathroom's a mess.
That doesn't matter, Peter.
I had wine for lunch.
But you can't.
Well, I have to.
Well, then, uh Let me clean it up.
It will just take a second.
I just I want it to be nice and neat for you, okay? Just wait one second.
Hi.
Let me guess, you have a few minutes.
Forget it.
No.
Listen, do you think you could do me a favour and, uh, climb out the window? Climb out the window? I love it.
There's only one thing that would make me climb out the window, and that would be if the French Riviera was on the other side.
So listen, you can forget about your window climbing, kiddo.
How about in the shower? Peter.
Just for a second, please.
Peter.
Okay, babe.
It's all ready for you.
Nice, neat and clean there.
Don't be long.
JESSICA: No, no, I won't.
Thank you.
Oh, poor thing.
I'll bet nobody ever gives you a drink.
Well, Jessica will give you a little drink here.
Oh, too fat.
Well, you sit right here and I'll put the chair under Here.
What are you doing here, Mrs.
Fine? Voting.
I know what you're doing here, Mrs.
Fine.
Please, please, Mrs.
Tate.
I know we're We're not friends.
I've always had a hard time relating to people who cut the crust off their bread.
But I like you.
So please, don't tell my husband.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Peter's lied to me and he's taken my little girl away from her home, and he's cheating with you.
Well, your daughter's very cute, Mrs.
Tate, but I'm not exactly sheep dip.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Tate.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Fine.
Lady plumber.
I forgot she was in there.
You lied to me.
And you're cheating on Corinne.
I could kill you.
Oh, come on.
[.]
[.]
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Turn the page, you dummy.
I can't believe it.
Jodie's got a date with a girl.
Jodie and a girl.
Do you know what this could mean? It means she's gonna take a cold shower, that's what it means.
I'm so excited.
Mary, how can you sit there like nothing's happening? Jodie's got a date.
Burt, it's nice.
But it doesn't have to mean anything, you know.
Mary, are you kidding? Once he finds out how soft and round they are Soft and round, huh? Give him a doughnut.
At least that he can dunk in his coffee.
Hey, no, wait.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Let me You'd better change that shirt.
What's wrong with my shirt? It's pink.
It's not pink.
Jodie, please.
That's a pink shirt.
Burt, it's not pink.
It's shrimp.
Some might call it peach.
Don't you have anything in a plaid? Or brown, huh? Come on.
Nice, strong brown.
I'm wearing this shirt, Burt.
Okay, fine.
You wanna be the guy in the shrimp shirt, that's okay with me.
I mean, I wouldn't wanna be the guy in the shrimp or the peach shirt.
Come here.
Now listen to me.
I know a great French restaurant, Chez Antoine's.
Very romantic.
So dark, you gotta feel around for your food.
You take her there.
You take her there.
Now, pay attention to me, please.
I just wanna give you a few tips.
Burt, what's the big deal? I'm just going out for dinner.
No, Jodie.
You got a date.
Burt, I know what to do.
You eat, you talk, preferably not at the same time.
After.
What about after? He's a fruit.
What's gonna happen after? Shut up, Bob.
I mean, he'll drop her off, go downstairs, and fall in love with the doorman.
Hold on.
All right, listen.
Listen to me.
You wear some of this stuff.
I guarantee it'll knock her dead.
"Grunt"? Great stuff.
They have to call it Grunt.
It's terrific.
I wore it on the first date with your mother.
She clung to me all night.
Of course I did.
He took me ice skating.
No, Mary, after.
Remember, huh, after? Ice skating, on our first date.
I couldn't believe it.
There I was, dressed in black taffeta, and he takes me ice skating.
The next day, I could hardly walk.
That's right.
From the ice skating, Burt.
Yes, yeah, fine.
All right, now this is a big thing to remember.
When a girl says no, she means yes.
Really? Yeah.
Well, it's a well-known fact.
Burt.
Mary, please, this is man talk.
So in other words, if I say, "Hey, would you like some wine?" And she says, "No," I should order it anyway, hm? No, I mean after.
I mean, at her apartment.
Oh, at her apartment.
That's right.
Now you know what I'm talking about? Sure.
So when I say, "Hey, would you like me to leave?" And she says, "No," I should go.
Bye.
[.]
Jodie.
Jodie.
[KNOCKING.]
Corinne.
You all right? I got here as fast as I could.
You said suicide.
I nearly had a heart attack.
Corinne, you can't do it.
It's a sin throwing away your life.
What did you take, pills? What? Nothing.
Come on.
How many did you take? Let me see the bottle.
I didn't take anything.
I swear, all I have on me is a Dristan.
Corinne, how in the world were you gonna kill yourself with a Dristan? I wasn't going to kill myself with a Dristan.
Corinne, I rushed over here like a maniac when you called up and said you were going to kill yourself.
I said I felt like killing myself.
Corinne, are you or are you not planning on killing yourself? I guess not.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Goodbye.
Oh, Tim, please don't go.
Don't go? Corinne, this is a motel.
A motel with mirrors and furry pillows.
I gotta get out of here.
What is it? [WHISPERING.]
You won't believe who I saw checking in.
Who? And look who he's checking in with.
And he's married.
But not to her because she's married to the [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
And this guy never has anything to confess.
Do you love it? His biggest confession is taking home paper clips from the office.
Now look what he's taking home from the office.
Tim, I don't know what to do.
She doesn't know what to do.
I'm a priest in the Pussycat Motel, surrounded by parishioners in the parking lot, and she doesn't know what to do.
I have no place to go, nowhere to live.
Corinne, what are you talking about? Tonight, when I went back to my apartment, I found Peter there with another woman.
Oh, no.
I don't know what to do, Tim.
I'm so upset, I could kill him.
Kill? Corinne, that's a sin.
I gotta get out of here.
Oh, please don't go.
You're the only one I can talk to.
Corinne, I'm a priest.
And look where I am.
I mean, do you know what kind of a place this is? Look at it.
Wall-to-wall bed.
MAID: Evening.
Oh, hi there.
Time to turn down the bed.
Oh, don't bother.
I'm just here, uh, checking the Bibles.
Look, you have a bible right here, yes.
See, I check them.
I make sure they're here.
Please, mister, what you wanna do is your own business.
You work here, you see everything.
We got a dentist, comes in once a week as Little Bo Peep.
We got a bus driver, he's King Kong.
Believe me, your outfit is nothing.
Original, but not big.
Hey, you don't You don't seem to understand.
I'm really a priest.
Pleasure to meet you, Father.
I'm Joan of Arc.
I got a call Listen, you don't know what goes on in these rooms.
And wait, next month they're putting in movies.
I don't know.
Me, I go home to my husband.
The fanciest we ever get is we open our eyes.
Have a nice evening.
She could have been a parishioner, do you know that? That was a terrific story.
Checking Bibles.
Yeah.
I'm sure God was real thrilled with that one.
He's up there chuckling over Flotsky's clever story.
Forgive me.
I'm leaving, Corinne.
Tim, I don't know what to do.
What am I gonna do? Did you pay for the room? Lock the door and go to sleep.
Corinne, I'll call you.
We can arrange to meet and talk.
In the park, at the zoo, but not here.
I can't take this.
I can't even listen.
All I can hear is my heart pounding.
Good night, Corinne.
But I can't sleep here, all my things are at Peter's.
Oh, I could kill Peter.
[.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Corinne? Babe, is that you? Jessica.
Marcia? [DOOR SLAMS.]
Okay, who's there? Ellen, I know you're aggravated but you've made your point.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[.]
You ANNOUNCER: Jessica said she would leave Chester if he fools around again.
Will he? Will she? Nurse Nancy said she and Jodie would do more than just eat dinner.
Will they? Corinne once said she would kill Peter.
Did she? Jessica once said she would kill Peter.
Did she? Who killed Peter? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]
[.]
ANNOUNCER: This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
Jessica lives in a neighbourhood known as rich.
Jessica likes life.
The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music.
The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
Mary, too, likes life.
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
They do, however, have as many secrets.
In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica admitted her affair to Chester, but Chester wouldn't admit his affairs to Jessica.
So Jessica walked out on him.
Corinne caught Peter nibbling another woman's ear and told him if she ever caught him fooling around, she would kill him.
Jodie, who tried to kill himself because Dennis left him, woke up alive.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
We begin this week's episode of Soap the morning after Jessica walked out on Chester.
Good morning, Benson.
Good morning.
Looking for someone? Huh? Who in the world would I be looking for, Benson? Mrs.
Tate.
Why would I be looking for Mrs.
Tate? Because she didn't spend the night here.
What are you talking about, Benson? Of course she spent the night here.
Oh, yeah? Then where is she? Uh, she went out early this morning.
Mrs.
Tate don't leave early no morning.
Mrs.
Tate can't find her shoes much before noon.
It just so happens that this morning she got up very early and went out.
Good morning, Daddy.
Good morning, princess.
Good morning, Benson.
Mm.
I've gotta go, Daddy.
Oh, tell mother I won't be home this evening.
I'm flying to Washington to cover Congressman McCallam's press conference.
And then she's gonna cover McCallam.
[LAUGHING.]
Shut up, Benson.
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
Oh, Benson, I've got to have a cup of coffee this morning.
[GASPS.]
What a night I had.
You know, Chester, when people get angry and storm off and say: "That's it.
I've had it.
I'm leaving," I wonder where it is they go.
Thank you, Benson.
Well, you see, I went to the beach because, you know, I thought that would be a nice, quiet place to think.
But, Chester, it was freezing cold and then this seagull kept attacking me.
So, of course, I couldn't stay on the beach and I went to an all-night movie, but, I mean, I couldn't stay there because of that man.
So I just What man? Oh, this man that sat next to me.
Chester, I was the only one in the entire movie and then this man came in and with all those empty seats, where do you think he sat? Next to you.
Right.
And even though the theatre was terribly warm, the entire time he kept on his, uh Trench coat.
Right.
Yes.
And I mean, Chester, if that wasn't bad enough, I couldn't even hear the movie because of his Heavy breathing? Right.
Chester, do you know him? No.
Well, by that time it was 6-something in the morning and the sun was coming up, and, oh, Chester, it was wonderful.
Well, Jessica, I'm glad that you came to your senses and decided to come home.
Oh, I didn't come to my senses, Chester.
Well, I mean, I did come to my senses, but I think I may have come to different senses than you would have liked.
What are you talking about, Jessica? Well, you see, Chester, I know what you've done, and I have decided to Well, "forgive" wouldn't be exactly the right word because I'm not gonna forgive you, but to put it on the shelf for now.
But, Chester, if it ever happens again, I'm afraid I won't be able to put it on the shelf.
By then, the shelf will be full.
Why are you standing there grinning, Benson? I don't know what I love more, her sticking it to you or you getting stuck.
[.]
Nice how we're both getting out on the same day.
This way, neither of us gets left alone.
Yeah.
Hey, kiddo, you're leaving the hospital, you're not entering.
You got your moods confused here.
What's the matter? This may sound crazy, but I kind of don't wanna leave.
Of course you don't wanna leave, because it's safe here.
Barney, when I came in here, I had a life.
I knew who I was, what I was gonna do, what I wanted.
I had someone.
Now I don't know.
Listen, kiddo, we're not so different.
I also have to go out there alone.
But neither of us knows what tomorrow is.
And I'll tell you something, Jodie, neither does anybody else.
Nobody knows.
Robert Redford doesn't know what tomorrow is.
They could decide tomorrow, nobody with moles works.
He's finished.
But what we do know is that when we're born, we're given just one thing: time.
Of course, if you're a Rockefeller, you also get property.
But most of us just get time, Jodie.
Use it.
Enjoy it.
Me? I'm gonna learn French.
What? That's right.
When I get out of here, I'm gonna enrol.
I'm signing up right away.
I'm gonna learn French.
And maybe I'll go someday to Paris.
And if I die first, who knows, maybe God is named Pierre.
Hi.
Hi.
Ohh.
Nurse Beautiful.
Oh, watch yourself, sweetheart.
In my street clothes, I'm a tiger here.
Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you two.
What? Come on.
An old man and a homosexual? Whatever comes next has gotta be better.
All right, it's time for my last bathroom attempt.
I feel like Livingstone setting out for Africa.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Well, I'll kind of miss you too.
You will? Yeah.
Why? Hey, you're a nice person.
I'll miss a nice person.
Oh.
Well, uh, maybe, uh, sometime we'll have dinner together or something.
Sure.
When? Oh, I don't know.
Tonight? Tonight? Wonderful, 8:00, I'll give you my address.
Wait a second.
How about French food? I know a terrific French restaurant.
Listen, this is just dinner, you understand? Sure.
Dinner.
I mean, we'll have a meal together.
Right.
No dancing.
This is not like it's a bona fide date or anything.
Right.
It's a meal.
Right.
A meal.
Right.
We will eat and we will talk.
Right.
And then, we'll go to bed.
Woo-ha.
No "woo-ha," it's a meal.
I mean, we'll just have a meal together, that's all.
Sure, it's just a meal.
Come on, Jodie, it's like me and French.
You never know when you might use it.
So you got somebody to pick you up? Yeah.
My mother's downstairs.
Ah.
Okay.
Barney, I, uh I hate to say goodbye to you.
Well, it doesn't thrill me, either.
I mean, besides being wise and caring Please, Jodie No, no, no.
You're gonna listen.
I mean, you've talked plenty.
Barney, you've made me feel terrific.
You're the first person I've ever met who put aside what I was and just simply liked me.
Never in all my life have I ever met anyone like you, Barney Gerber.
Well, now I guess Don't say it, I don't wanna hear it.
No goodbyes.
Because, while I was in the bathroom, I, uh I wrote down my address and my phone number.
Well, what else was I gonna do in there? Now, I want you to go and write likewise.
Listen, Jodie, I realise that people often exchange these things.
And then, months later, they find the scrap of paper and they, uh They put their chewing gum in it.
But that's not gonna happen here.
No, sir.
Because I don't let somebody I like get out of my life.
And in the second place, having my dentures, it would be very reckless for me to chew gum.
Ah.
Hey, you're a terrific guy, Jodie.
Go.
Be happy.
Hey, you can, you know.
Come on.
It's up to you.
It's just a choice.
Look, you'll find another guy.
Or you'll find a girl.
Or you'll find no one.
It doesn't matter.
You got you.
And you also got the sunshine, huh? And you got the flowers.
You got music, and once in a while, whenever you want, you got Barney Gerber.
I'll see you, Barney.
Yeah, I'll see you, Jodie.
[.]
Look at him.
He's getting ready for the next shift.
Ava, Corinne's gonna be here any second, so you gotta go.
Sorry, baby.
Oh, please, I love it.
Hit and run.
Very romantic.
Next time, perhaps we could wait until I put down my tennis racket? [KNOCKING.]
Oh, there she is.
Goodbye.
What? Are you crazy? I can't leave here half-dressed.
The whole club will know, and in two minutes, my husband will take our joint savings and my Jaguar and leave in a rocket.
Okay, then.
In the bathroom.
Please, but be quiet.
No.
I thought I would sing something from Carmen.
Corinne's mother.
Uh Corinne's not here.
Oh, good.
I was hoping I'd find you alone.
Uh, look, Jess Please, Peter, I've got to talk to you about Corinne.
I mean, she won't answer my telephone calls.
She won't talk to me and she won't see me.
Is she all right? Is my little girl happy? Oh, happy.
Oh, is she happy.
She's so happy, Jess, and I'm happy.
We're both happy.
We couldn't be happier.
You know, she's changed my life.
I am now a one-woman man.
Really? Jessica, I love her.
Oh, Peter, that's wonderful.
Uh, Peter, I have to ask you something.
Oh, we're happy, Jess.
Really, really happy No, no, not that.
[WHISPERS.]
Could I use the bathroom? No.
Absolutely not.
Sorry.
Why? Well, it's a mess.
Uh, the bathroom's a mess.
That doesn't matter, Peter.
I had wine for lunch.
But you can't.
Well, I have to.
Well, then, uh Let me clean it up.
It will just take a second.
I just I want it to be nice and neat for you, okay? Just wait one second.
Hi.
Let me guess, you have a few minutes.
Forget it.
No.
Listen, do you think you could do me a favour and, uh, climb out the window? Climb out the window? I love it.
There's only one thing that would make me climb out the window, and that would be if the French Riviera was on the other side.
So listen, you can forget about your window climbing, kiddo.
How about in the shower? Peter.
Just for a second, please.
Peter.
Okay, babe.
It's all ready for you.
Nice, neat and clean there.
Don't be long.
JESSICA: No, no, I won't.
Thank you.
Oh, poor thing.
I'll bet nobody ever gives you a drink.
Well, Jessica will give you a little drink here.
Oh, too fat.
Well, you sit right here and I'll put the chair under Here.
What are you doing here, Mrs.
Fine? Voting.
I know what you're doing here, Mrs.
Fine.
Please, please, Mrs.
Tate.
I know we're We're not friends.
I've always had a hard time relating to people who cut the crust off their bread.
But I like you.
So please, don't tell my husband.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Peter's lied to me and he's taken my little girl away from her home, and he's cheating with you.
Well, your daughter's very cute, Mrs.
Tate, but I'm not exactly sheep dip.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Tate.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Fine.
Lady plumber.
I forgot she was in there.
You lied to me.
And you're cheating on Corinne.
I could kill you.
Oh, come on.
[.]
[.]
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Turn the page, you dummy.
I can't believe it.
Jodie's got a date with a girl.
Jodie and a girl.
Do you know what this could mean? It means she's gonna take a cold shower, that's what it means.
I'm so excited.
Mary, how can you sit there like nothing's happening? Jodie's got a date.
Burt, it's nice.
But it doesn't have to mean anything, you know.
Mary, are you kidding? Once he finds out how soft and round they are Soft and round, huh? Give him a doughnut.
At least that he can dunk in his coffee.
Hey, no, wait.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Let me You'd better change that shirt.
What's wrong with my shirt? It's pink.
It's not pink.
Jodie, please.
That's a pink shirt.
Burt, it's not pink.
It's shrimp.
Some might call it peach.
Don't you have anything in a plaid? Or brown, huh? Come on.
Nice, strong brown.
I'm wearing this shirt, Burt.
Okay, fine.
You wanna be the guy in the shrimp shirt, that's okay with me.
I mean, I wouldn't wanna be the guy in the shrimp or the peach shirt.
Come here.
Now listen to me.
I know a great French restaurant, Chez Antoine's.
Very romantic.
So dark, you gotta feel around for your food.
You take her there.
You take her there.
Now, pay attention to me, please.
I just wanna give you a few tips.
Burt, what's the big deal? I'm just going out for dinner.
No, Jodie.
You got a date.
Burt, I know what to do.
You eat, you talk, preferably not at the same time.
After.
What about after? He's a fruit.
What's gonna happen after? Shut up, Bob.
I mean, he'll drop her off, go downstairs, and fall in love with the doorman.
Hold on.
All right, listen.
Listen to me.
You wear some of this stuff.
I guarantee it'll knock her dead.
"Grunt"? Great stuff.
They have to call it Grunt.
It's terrific.
I wore it on the first date with your mother.
She clung to me all night.
Of course I did.
He took me ice skating.
No, Mary, after.
Remember, huh, after? Ice skating, on our first date.
I couldn't believe it.
There I was, dressed in black taffeta, and he takes me ice skating.
The next day, I could hardly walk.
That's right.
From the ice skating, Burt.
Yes, yeah, fine.
All right, now this is a big thing to remember.
When a girl says no, she means yes.
Really? Yeah.
Well, it's a well-known fact.
Burt.
Mary, please, this is man talk.
So in other words, if I say, "Hey, would you like some wine?" And she says, "No," I should order it anyway, hm? No, I mean after.
I mean, at her apartment.
Oh, at her apartment.
That's right.
Now you know what I'm talking about? Sure.
So when I say, "Hey, would you like me to leave?" And she says, "No," I should go.
Bye.
[.]
Jodie.
Jodie.
[KNOCKING.]
Corinne.
You all right? I got here as fast as I could.
You said suicide.
I nearly had a heart attack.
Corinne, you can't do it.
It's a sin throwing away your life.
What did you take, pills? What? Nothing.
Come on.
How many did you take? Let me see the bottle.
I didn't take anything.
I swear, all I have on me is a Dristan.
Corinne, how in the world were you gonna kill yourself with a Dristan? I wasn't going to kill myself with a Dristan.
Corinne, I rushed over here like a maniac when you called up and said you were going to kill yourself.
I said I felt like killing myself.
Corinne, are you or are you not planning on killing yourself? I guess not.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Goodbye.
Oh, Tim, please don't go.
Don't go? Corinne, this is a motel.
A motel with mirrors and furry pillows.
I gotta get out of here.
What is it? [WHISPERING.]
You won't believe who I saw checking in.
Who? And look who he's checking in with.
And he's married.
But not to her because she's married to the [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
And this guy never has anything to confess.
Do you love it? His biggest confession is taking home paper clips from the office.
Now look what he's taking home from the office.
Tim, I don't know what to do.
She doesn't know what to do.
I'm a priest in the Pussycat Motel, surrounded by parishioners in the parking lot, and she doesn't know what to do.
I have no place to go, nowhere to live.
Corinne, what are you talking about? Tonight, when I went back to my apartment, I found Peter there with another woman.
Oh, no.
I don't know what to do, Tim.
I'm so upset, I could kill him.
Kill? Corinne, that's a sin.
I gotta get out of here.
Oh, please don't go.
You're the only one I can talk to.
Corinne, I'm a priest.
And look where I am.
I mean, do you know what kind of a place this is? Look at it.
Wall-to-wall bed.
MAID: Evening.
Oh, hi there.
Time to turn down the bed.
Oh, don't bother.
I'm just here, uh, checking the Bibles.
Look, you have a bible right here, yes.
See, I check them.
I make sure they're here.
Please, mister, what you wanna do is your own business.
You work here, you see everything.
We got a dentist, comes in once a week as Little Bo Peep.
We got a bus driver, he's King Kong.
Believe me, your outfit is nothing.
Original, but not big.
Hey, you don't You don't seem to understand.
I'm really a priest.
Pleasure to meet you, Father.
I'm Joan of Arc.
I got a call Listen, you don't know what goes on in these rooms.
And wait, next month they're putting in movies.
I don't know.
Me, I go home to my husband.
The fanciest we ever get is we open our eyes.
Have a nice evening.
She could have been a parishioner, do you know that? That was a terrific story.
Checking Bibles.
Yeah.
I'm sure God was real thrilled with that one.
He's up there chuckling over Flotsky's clever story.
Forgive me.
I'm leaving, Corinne.
Tim, I don't know what to do.
What am I gonna do? Did you pay for the room? Lock the door and go to sleep.
Corinne, I'll call you.
We can arrange to meet and talk.
In the park, at the zoo, but not here.
I can't take this.
I can't even listen.
All I can hear is my heart pounding.
Good night, Corinne.
But I can't sleep here, all my things are at Peter's.
Oh, I could kill Peter.
[.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Corinne? Babe, is that you? Jessica.
Marcia? [DOOR SLAMS.]
Okay, who's there? Ellen, I know you're aggravated but you've made your point.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[.]
You ANNOUNCER: Jessica said she would leave Chester if he fools around again.
Will he? Will she? Nurse Nancy said she and Jodie would do more than just eat dinner.
Will they? Corinne once said she would kill Peter.
Did she? Jessica once said she would kill Peter.
Did she? Who killed Peter? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]
[.]