Soap (1977) s01e20 Episode Script

Episode 20

1 ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap, Burt, who thinks he's invisible, went to see Dr.
Since he isn't really invisible, Dr.
Medlow saw Burt.
And from what he saw, he suggested to Mary that she see about having him committed.
While Eunice hid on a ledge to avoid being caught by Congressman McCallam's wife, a nervous McCallam mistakenly gave the blackmailer's photographs to The New York News.
In these photos, he and Eunice are definitely overexposed.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[] This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates.
And these are the Campbells.
And this is Soap.
[] You son of a Go.
JESSICA: Boys, boys.
[] [EUNICE SCREAMS] Hey, they said you'd knock twice.
I figured they meant on the door.
Watch your step.
It's slippery.
Gee, this is incredible.
I know the cops are cracking down, but But you girls have to go through this.
Hey, listen, I'm not complaining.
I think the wet look is sexy.
Hey, wait a minute.
[] [KNOCKING ON DOOR] [WALTER GRUNTS] [BOTH SCREAMING] Walter, you scared me to death.
Well, you broke my spine.
What the hell's the matter with you, Eunice? Throwing boxes all over the place.
Well, how in the world was I supposed to know you were in there? You sure took your time getting here.
Took my time? I'm standing on a ledge in a rainstorm, and I took my time? What was I supposed to do? Jump down 38 floors on the messenger to stop him? No.
My luck, you'd miss.
Walter! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just so upset over these pictures.
Look, you take that side, I'll take this.
I hope I get an appointment with my chiropractor.
I think I broke my spinal cord.
Oh, look.
Jackie Onassis.
What in the world is so terrific about her? I don't know, Eunice.
I'd really like to know what everyone gets excited about.
Look at that.
Her eyes are too far apart.
She's got a jaw like Dick Tracy.
Hurry, they'll be back from lunch.
Oh, for God's sake, Walter.
You know that a researcher at Cornell University claims that popcorn causes heart attacks? Popcorn.
"Two monkeys dropped dead of heart attacks after eating popcorn.
" Sorry.
Actually, it probably wasn't the popcorn that killed the monkeys.
It was probably the movie they were watching.
[LAUGHS] Eunice.
Just trying to lighten things up for you.
Now, it's got to be in one of these.
I give up.
We'll never find them.
Oh, no, please, Walter.
If the press ever gets those pictures There'll be a scandal, and I will no longer be a candidate for the Senate, and I'll lose my seat in the House.
Marilyn will leave me.
You know something, Eunice, it might not be so bad.
I mean, think about it.
No more campaign, no more speeches, no more polls, no more rat race.
And Marilyn leaving, that's something I wanted anyway.
I mean, I'd be a free man.
You'd be free.
We'd both be free.
And broke.
Ah, so what? Oh, we'll move to an island or something.
We wouldn't need money.
We'd live on coconuts and bananas.
Oh, in the Caribbean.
Oh, let's make it an island in the Caribbean.
I hear that's nice.
Aruba? Yes.
Oh, Walter, how wonderful to live on an island.
Hey, who knows, maybe we could open a hotel.
I could cook.
I'm a wonderful cook.
What a life.
I mean, nothing but beauty and sunshine and calm.
Oh, Walter, when do we leave? Right away.
Oh, you know something, Eunice.
I'm glad this happened.
I'm really glad.
Now we can live.
Never be apart.
Together forever.
Hey, aren't you the guy? Is that my envelope? Yeah.
I've got it.
We're saved.
We're saved.
I've got it.
Walter, what about Aruba? What? In the middle of my campaign? I'd lose my seat in the House.
I could be a senator, Eunice.
We'll go sometime for a weekend.
It'll be fun.
[] Good morning.
Uh, Jodie, have? Have you seen Bob? Bob who? Uh Bob.
My Bob.
Oh, Bob.
I don't know what happened.
I I was in the bathroom, he was still sleeping, and when I came back, he was gone.
Maybe he ran away.
I just I just have this awful feeling something happened to him.
Chuck, why don't you sit down? I wanna talk to you.
I can't, Jodie.
I can't sit down and talk.
Bob is missing.
Well, maybe by the time we finish talking, Bob might turn up.
You do know where he is, don't you? Sit down, Chuck.
All right, where is he? What did you do with him? Listen, Chuck.
Recently I've been getting some very nasty notes like that one.
That's vicious, Chuck.
That hurts.
And they're all signed, "Bob Campbell.
" No.
Well, I'll have a talk with him.
Chuck, why are you sending me these notes? What are you talking about, Jodie? You just said Bob was sending these notes.
Chuck, you are Bob.
And if he is, I'm gonna sit down and really give him hell for it.
Chuck, for God's sake, you can't talk to him.
You are him.
Every time I try to talk to you, Bob answers, Chuck.
I'm Gregory Grapefruit.
What's the matter, Jodie? You look upset.
I I'd like to talk to Chuck.
Oh, well, how about talking to me? I'm in season, sweet, just like Bob.
No, no.
I understand it all I don't believe this.
I'm having a conversation with a grapefruit here.
Look, Chuck.
It's food, Chuck.
See? Watch, it's just food.
[GROANS] Chuck, if you're joking, cut it out.
I just would like to talk to you.
Olé! As one fruit to another Chuck.
Look, it's food, see? It's food, Chuck.
You need help, Chuck.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Hello there.
I'm an English muffin.
Chuck, no, no, no, Chuck.
See? It's food.
See, Chuck? It's food, Chuck.
You really should see a doctor, Chuck.
[BURPS] For God's sakes, Chuck.
Listen to me, would you? Good morning.
Good morning.
Nobody wears a Windsor knot anymore.
I'm gonna heat up some bagels.
Anybody want one? [IN NORMAL VOICE] No, thanks.
No, thank you.
I'll talk to you later, Chuck.
I love bagels.
Love them.
Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods, which is something most people don't know.
For instance, there is absolutely no safe way to slice a bagel.
Except maybe you get somebody to do it for you.
I mean, you have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half, along with a bagel.
Hey, you go to any synagogue.
I mean, you'll see a majority of the congregation has a finger missing.
Because then, of course, there's being electrocuted.
Hm? You need to put a bagel in a toaster, right? JODIE: Mm-hm.
One half's always a little too fat.
You squeeze and you push it in anyway.
Right? It won't come up.
It starts to smoke.
You stick a knife in to get it out.
The lights go out in town, and you do a jig.
Which is why I always use the oven.
And a lot of butter.
I want some butter here.
Here we go.
[SCREAMING] Oh, my God.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] You're sick, you know that? You're really sick.
I could have frozen in there.
You could have killed me.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you killed Peter.
You tried to kill Chuck, freeze me You're sick, you know that.
You know, that little light stays on.
Does it? Yeah.
[] What time tonight? Not tonight, Elaine.
What time? Elaine, I said not tonight.
I'll be ready at 8.
Uh, Elaine, I think it's time we had a talk.
Oh, please don't.
I mean, it's not one of your strong points.
Listen, Elaine.
You're a very nice person, with a tremendous amount of, uh, stamina.
And I really appreciate you saving my life and everything, but I think that we shouldn't see each other anymore.
Really? Yes.
You see, the truth is, I'm not in love with you.
And I'm never gonna be in love with you.
So why continue? I mean, you don't want a guy around just because you saved his life and he's grateful.
Plus which, you're killing me physically.
And that's all I want to say.
I'll see you at 8.
Elaine, didn't you hear what I just said? It's over.
I heard.
I heard.
And it's not over.
I'll see you tonight.
Elaine, you won't be seeing me tonight.
Tonight or any other night.
Then I'll go tell Daddy to kill you.
That's taking it well.
Listen, Elaine, come on.
You're not in love with me.
Why do you want me around? You're cute, you're terrific in bed.
And as long as you don't open your mouth, I can pretend you've got a brain.
So why not come at 8? We'll have dinner.
That does it, Elaine.
That's it.
I am not coming back, ever.
Then my father will kill you.
I don't know about that.
Danny, how are you? I'm fine, Mr.
So, what's up, Danny? I came to talk to you about Elaine.
Well, no kidding.
I was just gonna talk to you about the same thing.
Well, you see, we've been seeing a lot of each other lately, Elaine and me.
And what it gets down to is I know.
I know.
Listen, you remember that little favour I said you still had to do? Yeah.
I'm now ready to tell you what it is.
Yeah? You are to marry Elaine.
[BOTH LAUGHING] The wedding will take place next month.
It will be at The Plaza.
Oh, The Plaza.
The invitations go out tomorrow.
Here's a sample.
You're serious.
Well, one thing.
I checked out your family.
Some strange group, let me tell you.
Danny, about your brother, the faigelah.
Make sure that there's not too many frills on his tuxedo.
I've got relatives don't understand these things.
Lefkowitz, I don't think you understand.
See, I don't love your daughter.
You will.
No, I don't love her, and I can't marry her.
Danny, when you said you couldn't kill your stepfather, we said we were gonna kill you.
But then my daughter interceded and saved your life.
But when she did that, I told you you still owed us a favour.
Well, this is it.
You either marry my daughter, or I'll kill you.
It's that simple.
Marry Elaine or I'll blow your brains out.
So, what's it gonna be? Is it too late to kill my stepfather? [] [] Burt, I'm home.
BURT: Oh, hi there.
Where are you, Burt? BURT: I'm right here.
Give me a hand, will you? Where? BURT: Well, I'm right here.
Oh, my God, you are invisible.
Burt, oh, Burt, wherever you are, I am sorry.
I didn't know.
I thought you were crazy.
I didn't know you really could do it.
That's why I was making plans to commit you.
Commit me? You were in the closet? Mary, what do you mean? I didn't know you were in the closet.
I thought you were invisible.
Commit me? Commit? Not commit.
Not really commit.
Put me away? Mary, you wanna put me away? Burt, it's not putting away.
It's not like the movies.
It's a hospital.
A regular hospital.
It's not even an institution.
I'm losing it.
Oh, Mary, I'm losing it.
What, Burt? What are you losing? My marbles.
It's like, now.
Like, right now, Mary.
Everything gets so clear.
I'm here, right? And you're here.
And we're talking, and everything is good.
But I can't keep it that way.
It won't stay.
I try, Mary.
I really try to keep everything right the way it is, but I It starts slipping.
I slip.
And then I go away.
And I can't stop it.
I try, Mary.
I really try.
I can't help it.
And then I'm gone.
That's why you need help.
You see, you need someone to help you not go.
I'm crazy, Mary.
You're married to a crazy person.
Burt, you're not crazy.
You're just having a little nervous breakdown.
It's more that.
Nervous breakdown? Mary, a nervous breakdown is something you have when you gain five pounds.
This is not your nervous breakdown.
This is more your Three Faces of Eve.
It's not that serious, and it's just temporary.
Actually, it's "The Two Faces of Burt.
" I mean, there's this one, the normal one, and then the other one that goes away.
I wonder how she got three faces.
But Dr.
Medlow says this is just a temporary reaction to Peter's death.
You just need some professional help.
I'm scared, Mary.
I'm so scared of losing you.
That crazy, I'm not.
I know I could lose you.
You won't lose me, Burt.
I'm so scared of disappearing into that other world and never coming back.
Or if I do come back, you'll be gone.
You'll run off with some nice, sensible man who drives a Volvo and doesn't disappear.
Burt, I won't be gone.
I'll never be gone.
And, darling, that's why I was going to commit you.
Because I don't want you to go into that world and not come back.
I'm scared of losing you.
[] Oh, so this is the judge's chambers.
You know, I thought it meant bloomers.
Bloomers? Yes.
You know, upstairs, downstairs.
In my lady's chambers.
So I thought it meant bloomers.
That's why I couldn't understand when they told us to wait for the judge in his chambers.
What the devil are you doing here? You said you couldn't defend her.
Well, I'm not here to defend.
I'm here to prosecute.
He said he couldn't defend her, and he's going to prosecute her? He's not allowed to do that.
Let me get this straight.
You talked to Mrs.
Tate and decided not to defend her? Right.
What's the matter with you, counsellor? You could be disbarred for that.
That's right.
I've never met this woman.
[FRANKLIN & JESSICA LAUGHING] Laughter is so infectious.
He's lying.
I've never seen either of these people before.
Are you sure you got the right man? Of course this is the man.
All right.
All right.
I'll tell you.
That was my twin brother.
The lawyer we saw? Well, we do this to everybody all the time.
And we used to drive the teachers in school crazy, you know? Nobody could tell us apart.
In fact, just last year, we played quite a trick on our wives.
Quite a trick.
Of course, we never told them about it.
So I guess that clears up this little mystery.
I mean, I've never seen either of you before in my life.
But I have seen you.
Oh, really? Mm-hm.
Ten years ago, the Doberish case.
You know, I had that one all sewn up until the last day when you came in with that surprise witness who I know lied through her teeth.
Of course, the jury fell for it.
Her being a nun.
I vowed that I'd get even with you, Mallu.
Well, here I am.
And, oh, boy, have I got a winner this time.
Oh, my God.
What? Oh, God.
Take it easy, Tate.
Take it easy.
What's past is past.
What? It was only $40,000.
What's $40,000? I invested it for him, and lost it.
Oh, my God.
You must be Mrs.
How do you do, Your Honour? We've never met before, but I do know your wife.
Oh, really? Well, actually I don't know her in the true sense of the word.
You see, what happened was one day I was driving with my sister.
And this person shot straight through a stop sign and almost hit me.
And I said, "My God, who's that maniac?" And my sister said, "That's Judge Petrillo's wife.
" That sounds like my late wife.
Oh, God.
I should think with speeding like that she'd be early, not late.
[WHISPERS] Oh, I am so sorry, Your Honour.
I had no idea.
It's all right.
Well, he might have said "my dead wife.
" Or "my deceased wife.
" But late? Late usually means not on time.
Your Honour, if I may.
The stock market was terrible that year.
It was very erratic.
Everyone lost money.
I lost money.
Come, now, what's $40,000? My son didn't care that much about going to college.
He's doing very nicely at the taco stand.
Oh, God.
The grand jury's come down with a murder one indictment.
I would consider reducing the charges to murder two with a plea of guilty.
Well, then, how about reducing the charges with a plea of insanity, counsellor? Sounds good to me.
I think the whole thing's insane.
Do I love this? Do I love this case? Your Honour, would it be all right if I ask one question? Of course.
There is something I'm just dying to know.
Why do you wear those robes? Oh, God.
Tradition I expect, Mrs.
I'll bet anything you're hiding a perfectly lovely $300 suit under that tacky $20 robe.
Let me see.
Come on, now.
Let me see.
Now, Mrs.
Tate Now, let me see what you've got hiding under there.
Stop it.
All right.
Okay, counsellor, we start selecting the jury tomorrow.
Thank you, Your Honour.
Really, Your Honour, even I lost money.
It's forgotten, Tate.
It's forgotten.
After all, my father only had a couple of more years on that kidney machine.
Hey, he was old.
Had to go sometime.
See all you folks in court.
Oh, God.
[LAUGHING] [] ANNOUNCER: Will Danny marry Elaine, or will he ask Mr.
Lefkowitz to blow his brains out? Will Burt allow himself to be committed? And if he does, will he allow himself to be seen? Since the judge lost a lot of money, and he doesn't find it funny, and though Chester says he's sorry, and the judge says not to worry, will Jessica get the chair, even though it isn't fair, because the judge holds a grudge? These questions, and many others, will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[] Soap was videotaped in front of a studio audience.