Soap (1977) s01e23 Episode Script

Episode 23

1 ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap, Burt checked into the mental institution to try and cure his invisibility, while Carol has lured Jodie away for the weekend to try to put an end to his homosexuality.
Meanwhile, Prosecutor Franklin has promised Judge Petrillo a surprise witness who will put an end to Jessica.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[] This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates.
And these are the Campbells.
And this is Soap.
[] You son of a Go! JESSICA: Boys.
[] [GASPS] Oh! Waiting for Walter? Mrs.
He's running a little late, and I just couldn't bear the thought of you sitting here all alone, so I came to keep you company.
Well, I'm not waiting for Walter.
Save it.
Waiter, a martini.
I want you to stop seeing him.
Uh, the waiter? No.
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
You and my husband.
The Standish Hotel in Boston, The Ritz Hotel in Hartford, The Plaza Hotel in New York, the Trafalgar Hotel in New Haven.
Not New Haven.
We were never in Never in New Haven.
All right, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I want you to stop seeing him.
No, I won't.
We love each other.
Oh, please.
Love? Walter doesn't love anyone.
Walter is the most totally self-absorbed person in the world.
We have a 7-year-old daughter, Abigail.
Walter calls her Amanda.
Seven years and he still doesn't know her name.
Thank you.
So do you bow out gracefully, or do I tell Walter to dump you? Are you kidding? Walter would never dump me.
Guess you spotted me.
We were just talking about you.
Small world.
Imagine the three of us running into each other in the same restaurant.
Don't bother, Walter.
Bother? It's no bother.
It's no bother at all.
She knows, darling.
She knows? Ah.
And I was just telling Eunice that if you had to make a choice between the two of us, I know you'd choose me.
You see, I took out a small insurance policy, a detective, who, among other things, discovered that you were being blackmailed.
I paid the blackmailer and bought the most interesting set of pictures.
By the way, darling, you don't photograph well.
Now, should you ever see her again, I will give those negatives to the press.
You'd do that? I mean, you'd ruin my career? That's right.
You don't need a career, darling.
I'll support us.
You'd see to it that I never held any office again? Correct.
We could go away.
No money, no job, no nothing? Uh-huh.
We'd have each other.
Eunice? Yes? See you.
[] Mom It's all my fault.
I sent him here.
He didn't want to come.
Ma, come on.
He had to come.
No, he didn't.
And now look what's happened.
He's run away and God knows where he is.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Makes it hard to sleep at night knowing lunatics come and go as they please around here.
Listen, you Ma, I got your message.
What happened? Burt's missing.
They checked all the rooms at bedtime and he wasn't there.
He never was, if you know what I mean.
Ha-ha-ha! No, Mom, Mom.
How long has he been gone? Hours.
It's all my fault.
I feel so awful.
My God, what if he never comes home? Drinks are on me.
MARY: Stop it.
Stop it.
Boys, stop it! Boys, boys, boys.
Lights were out over an hour ago.
Back to your rooms.
We're just visiting.
You're visiting? Two men attack a wooden doll while the third screams? Nice try.
See, you don't understand.
Bob here was saying some really nasty things.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Danny, Danny, not here.
Oh, I see.
The doll said something nasty, so you wanted to kill it.
They're visitors, doctor.
Who are you? Their mother.
I'm sorry.
We have visitor's passes.
Visiting hours are over.
You'll have to leave.
You see, we're waiting for my husband.
He ran away.
I don't blame him.
Keep the noise down.
And try and set an example for the patients.
I'm sorry.
That's okay, Dan.
Hey, Mare, how are you doing? Where were you? We were so worried.
I didn't do anything.
Yeah, are you all right? I'm fine.
I'm okay.
You boys wait downstairs for me.
And no more fighting.
Are you all right? What happened? I ran away.
Burt, is it so awful here? Do you hate it that much? No, no, no, Mary.
It's not awful at all.
It's very nice here and I'm getting better.
I really am.
I'm getting I'm getting better.
Then what is it? You see, Mare, we talk a lot here and we tell our secrets, you know.
And at first I thought, "Hey, forget about it.
" Nobody's gonna hear my secrets, because I got some very weird secrets.
That was until I heard their secrets.
They're mostly the same.
See, we all have the same secrets.
I mean, they come out a little different, and I don't know, maybe there are one or two here who, frankly, are a little more creative in the way they look at the world, like chicken man, for instance, but, essentially Chicken man? Yeah.
When things get rough, he becomes a chicken.
When things get too rough with me, I Then disappear and You know, Harold wears hats, some people drink a lot, others sleep, and, you know, and See, I mean, we all have our own ways of stepping back when things get too rough.
In that way, Mare, we're all the same.
I eat.
See, but then I realised that I had one secret that nobody else had, and unless I told them the secret, I couldn't really get better.
And unless I told you the secret, I couldn't come home.
See, because, Mary, I can't live with you and love you and keep the secret from you.
So tell me, darling.
Tell me the secret.
I can't, Mary.
That's why I ran away.
Because I realised I can't tell you the secret, so I can't go home.
Then I thought, "I can't tell the secret here, so I can't stay here.
" So I ran away, and I roamed around the city all night in the subway.
On the subway, I could have told my secret, nobody would have cared.
But you came back here.
Mary, I can't live on the subway.
So I figure I can tell the secret here, except, of course, I don't want to live here.
Mary, I got no place to go.
So, darling, tell me the secret and come home.
I can't.
I gotta go.
I don't know where I'm going, but I gotta go.
I love you.
What? You are the most important thing in my life to me.
So there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you could tell me that would change the way I feel.
I kill I murd I kill Oh, I can't.
Burt, sweetheart, this doesn't have to be so difficult.
No matter what you say, no matter what you have done, I will love you.
That's what you think.
Go on now.
I killed your first husband.
I killed your first husband.
Oh, my God.
[WHIMPERS] [] Are you all right? Boy, oh, boy, I wish my cardiologist could have seen me.
I didn't mean to rush you, but my daughter is coming home.
You know, I didn't think I could.
I didn't think I remembered.
You didn't remember much.
I hope you had a nice evening, Ingrid.
How can you even ask, Anthony? Why, you are probably the most intelligent, fascinating and gentle man I've met since Ingmar Bergman.
Ahh! Bye-bye, Tony.
Was that the judge? What, dear? Judge Petrillo.
That was Judge Petrillo.
[GIGGLING] Looks like the judge, doesn't he? You're trying to fix the trial, aren't you? What are you talking about? You're dating him so that you can convince him to hang my mother.
I'm your mother.
You know what I mean.
Well, it just so happens that I am enormously attracted to him.
When I saw him up there in the court, I just couldn't take my eyes off him.
What does it mean, this "bull"? It means you're lying.
You're trying to fix the trial.
How can you do that to her? Because I hate her.
She's never done anything to you.
She took you away from me.
That wasn't her.
That was my grandmother.
And then I was sent off to Ecuador, of all places, when she knew, coming from Sweden, how the heat would affect me.
You said you came here for me and now you've got me, so why can't you leave them alone? Because it's not enough.
I want to see them all suffer.
Actually, I'd like to see them all drop dead.
But I'll settle for suffering.
Oh, I hate them.
Well, I'm one of them.
Oh, no, you're not.
Yes, I am.
And you hate them more than you love me.
Think about it.
[] [DOORBELL RINGS] TIM: Ma? Timothy.
Oh, Tim! Ma.
How are you, Ma? Good.
Good to see you.
Come on in.
Oh, I cooked you everything that you love.
Lasagne? Oh, lasagne's just the beginning.
I need to talk to you, Ma.
Yeah, sure.
I got a problem.
Oh, I love it.
People come to priests with their problems.
And look, a priest comes to his mother.
I felt I ought to let you know what was going on.
Yeah, sure.
Of course, tell your mother.
There's a girl.
Where? No, Ma.
There's a girl and I keep thinking about her.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] I can't get her out of my mind.
It's a test.
He's giving you a test.
Don't you know a test when you see one? No, Ma.
It's not a test.
I'm thinking about leaving the priesthood.
You know, I finally saw that Star Wars film they were all raving about.
I don't know, in my day, they got a leading man, it was Clark Gable.
Today they got a little machine that goes, "boop!" Ma, Ma, did you hear what I said? I mean, frankly, I could have stayed home and looked at my upright vacuum cleaner.
Did you hear me? I'm sorry.
I'm getting a little old.
I don't hear so good.
I said I was thinking about leaving I mean, not only is my hearing bad, but my heart is very weak.
I mean, the slightest shock, and it could kill me.
Otherwise I'm fine.
I said I was thinking about leaving I heard what you said.
You're thinking about leaving the priesthood.
What else can I do? I think I'm in love.
I'd like the coffin closed, please.
Please, Ma.
I came here because I need some help, some understanding.
All I can give you is lasagne.
Sometimes priests are wrong about their calling.
I didn't break my vows.
My superiors understand.
And God will forgive me.
If he wants to forgive you, let him.
I won't.
[] Mrs.
Tate, think, think.
Who might the surprise witness be? Oh, Mr.
If I thought of it, It would ruin Mr.
Franklin's surprise.
Benson, every morning it's the same thing.
I ask for poached eggs.
I get scrambled.
I ask for shirred eggs.
I get scrambled.
I ask for sunny-side up.
I get scrambled.
I never get what I want.
Why don't you ask for scrambled? Benson, I will not eat these eggs.
JESSICA: Benson? Would you fix some eggs for Mr.
Mallu, please? Certainly.
How do you like them? Poached.
All right, Benson, I'll have scrambled.
Tate, think.
Who would say something bad about you? Bessie Stevens.
You see, in the seventh grade, Bessie Stevens had braids down to her waist, and I cut them off to use them to be Pocahontas.
No, no, Mrs.
It is not Bessie Stevens.
Then it's Robert Corwin.
Robert Corwin.
In the 10th grade, Robert Corwin She thinks we're playing This is Your Life.
Tate, who are your enemies now? Enemies? Enemies, sir? How about Hitler and Mussolini for starters? JESSICA: Good morning, Daddy.
Eggs, Major? Thank you.
Benson, what about me? What about you? Do I have to make them myself? Mother, I'm not feeling too well.
I've got a sore throat.
Oh, dear.
I'm afraid you'll have to cancel court this morning.
I have to take Billy to the paediatrician.
Tate, you can't cancel court.
Mom, I don't wanna go to the doctor.
You have to go to the doctor.
You have a cold.
You can't take him to the doctor.
You have to go to court.
I'll take him.
The boy's sick.
Heal the cough.
[] And now, Mrs.
Tate, before you complete your testimony, tell me, did you or did you not kill Peter Campbell? Do you know you have asked me that question six times? Yes.
But this time I want the jury to hear.
Did you or did you not kill Peter Campbell? Seven.
He has asked me that question seven times.
Do you wonder how this man ever got out of law school? No.
No, what? No, I didn't kill Peter Campbell.
Thank you, Mrs.
And now, in your lifetime, have you ever killed anything? No.
Unless you want to count the times that I accidentally stepped on ants.
I object.
Franklin, you cannot help stepping on them.
They're so tiny.
But I never put out ant poisoning and I never deliberately tried to kill them.
I'm sorry.
So you mean to say that you've never killed anything, not even a bug? That's right.
Ask Chester.
His suits are full of holes because I will not use moth balls.
Thank you, Mrs.
Holes in his sweaters.
Thank you.
Holes in his socks.
That's enough, Mrs.
Holes in his shorts.
But they're not moths, they're flies.
Get it? No more questions.
Flies in his shorts? Ever try to use a pair without one? Now, Mrs.
Tate, did you or did you not kill Peter Campbell? Weren't you listening? What is the matter with you men? Objection, Your Honour.
The counsel is badgering my client in an obvious attempt to stall.
Because he cannot produce the surprise witness he's promised for today.
I can too.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Franklin, how much longer do we have to wait? Ah, just a few more minutes.
I object, Your Honour.
The court has indulged the counsel long enough.
One wonders if he even has a surprise witness at all.
Well, Mr.
Franklin, the court will allow you a minute or two longer.
But that's all.
Thank you.
Everybody relax.
Have I got time to go to the bathroom? Don't take anything to read.
You haven't changed your mind about this weekend, have you? Listen, Carol, I Oh, come on.
Now, I got us a two-bedroom cottage.
We're going as friends, remember? Okay.
You're going away with him for a weekend? That's right.
But he's a homosexual.
That's right.
And he might come back a homosexual.
But if he does, he is sure gonna have something to compare it to.
All right, Mr.
Franklin, your time is up.
Now, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to Your Honour, I would like to call to the stand at this time Mrs.
Sheila Fine.
Who's that? Mrs.
Pay attention.
You're going away for the weekend to the beach with a girl? Wonderful.
I hope she takes a book to read.
That's fantastic.
Be seated.
State your name and address, please.
Sheila Fine.
5093 Rockridge Road.
But call first.
Fine, did you know Peter Campbell, the deceased? Did I know him? Do you know what this jerk did to my life? He comes into my house where I'm sitting with my husband, and he says I have to testify since I was having an affair with Peter Campbell.
My husband called his lawyer, grabbed his girlfriend and flew to Acapulco.
I hope a taco chip gets caught in his throat and he chokes to death.
Yes, Mr.
Franklin, I knew Peter Campbell.
And how did you know him? Lying down.
I see.
And where was the last time you saw the defendant, Mrs.
Tate? In Peter Campbell's bathroom the day he was murdered.
[CROWD GASPS] And did you hear the defendant say anything? Your Honour, this line of questioning is an obvious delaying tactic If it please the court, I will explain my line of questioning.
Your Honour, up until now, there has been only one element missing from the state's case.
We have shown the motive for the defendant.
The murder weapons were found in the defendant's possession.
And now we are about to hear testimony that, once and for all, will remove all doubt and clearly establish the guilt of the accused.
Fine, what did you hear Jessica Tate say to Peter Campbell on the very day of the murder? I heard her say to him, "I'm so angry, I could kill you.
" [CROWD CHATTERING] The prosecution rests.
[] ANNOUNCER: Did Walter really walk out on Eunice forever? Did he also leave her with the restaurant bill? Now that Mary has learned that Burt killed her first husband, Johnny, what does Mary think of her second husband, Burt? Now that Corinne has walked out on two mothers, does that make her ineligible for the Daughter of the Year award? Has Mrs.
Fine's testimony convinced the jury that Jessica is guilty? Is Jessica guilty? These questions, and many others, will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[] Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience.