Soap (1977) s01e25 Episode Script

Episode 25

1 ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap, Mary decided to try to work things out with Burt, even though he killed her first husband.
Corinne decided to leave her mother, Ingrid, and return to her other mother, Jessica.
Jodie slept with Carol, even though he had decided not to, leaving him somewhat undecided about their relationship.
And the jury went out to decide Jessica's fate.
Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[] This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates.
And these are the Campbells.
And this is Soap.
[] You son of a Go.
JESSICA: Boys.
Boys.
[] Oh, Burt, I thought you were gonna set up the bar.
What are you doing? Sitting.
I can see that, Burt.
Mary, I'm so depressed.
I mean, I've ruined Danny's life.
Danny, you're not even dressed yet.
I'm too depressed to get dressed.
It was all I could do to get out of bed.
My life is over.
It is not.
It is.
It is.
I have to spend my life married to Elaine.
When they get here, I'm gonna tell Lefkowitz to shoot me.
That does it.
Ma.
Come on.
Get dressed.
No.
They'll be here any minute.
Go on.
It's all my fault.
Everything.
It's all my fault.
I mean, I pushed some guy off a ledge and ruined everybody's life.
His, naturally.
Danny, because Danny had to kill the man who killed his father, who's me.
And because he couldn't kill me, he has to get married to that terrible girl he doesn't love, or else they're gonna kill him.
And you.
Your husband gets killed and you find out later on you're married to his killer.
Should've let the guy kill me.
Everybody would've been better off.
Except me, of course, because I'd be dead.
And me, because I love you.
You do? I do.
But, Mary, I Shh.
Leave it alone.
Set up the bar.
Okay.
[GASPS] Campbell.
What? Campbell Campbell.
Campbell Campbell? Yes, my cousin.
That's his name? Yes, Campbell Campbell.
They made a mistake on his birth certificate, they wrote Campbell twice.
And his parents thought it was illegal to change a birth certificate.
So, pfft, they had to call him Campbell Campbell.
Roots.
I'm having a killer to cocktails and you're doing roots.
Why didn't I think of him before? Mary, he'll help.
He lives in Australia.
He's loaded.
Burt, later.
We'll talk about Australia later.
Danny.
Danny.
Danny? What? I got it.
What? You're going to Australia, to my cousin.
You'll be safe there.
He lives way back in the bush country.
Nobody can find his place.
Australia? Either that or you marry Elaine.
When do I leave? First thing in the morning.
All right.
We're all set.
[DOORBELL RINGS] It's them.
It's them.
Okay.
Everybody normal.
Act natural.
Be happy.
Smile.
I think we should open the door.
We're here.
Hi, Mom.
Hello.
Come on, please.
Please.
Give us a break.
Daddy, this is Burt and Mary Campbell.
This is my father, Charles Lefkowitz.
I can see you.
Beg your pardon? Well, aren't you the man that clicks his tongue and makes himself invisible? [CHUCKLES] No.
No.
It's snapping your fingers.
You think you're not here now? Oh, I'm here.
I'm cured.
Oh, wonderful.
People drop like flies from heart attacks, but they've licked invisibility.
Hey, what is it with you with tongues? Licking? Why don't we all sit down and have a drink? Yeah.
What'll you have, a little Manischewitz? Whatever.
Danny, sit.
You, sit, please.
I wanna make this brief.
Now, we're going to have a very gorgeous wedding.
And I'm seeing about renting Montavani and his orchestra.
Now, the wedding is in three weeks.
So if you let me know in the next few days how many people you'll be having, it would be helpful.
All right.
Don't forget Campbell Campbell.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh, hey, look.
This is ripe enough to pick.
What's that? That's my son, Chuck and Bob.
How do you do? Boy, I love it.
He lives with a doll and you're the one they put away.
Drill three holes in him and I could bowl a perfect game.
Okay, boychick, I've had it.
Shut up, or I sandpaper your face.
Yes, sir.
Get me out of here.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay.
Hi.
DANNY: Hey, Jodie.
Mr.
Lefkowitz, this is my brother Jodie.
Oh, the fagala.
Sit.
We're about to discuss the floral arrangements.
You'll be good at this.
Sorry.
I can't.
I have a date.
Carol? Well, you're not a fagala? I am.
You're both? What do they call them, "acey-ducey"? I think that's worse.
Well, I gotta go.
Have a nice night.
Nice seeing you again.
Okay.
I want a few words with Danny, alone.
Come, Burt.
We'll show Elaine the yard.
Yard? I don't wanna see a yard.
Shut up.
You'll go look at a yard.
Danny, I know what you're thinking.
No, no.
You don't know.
Please, I do know.
You don't know how you're going to marry such a rotten, disgusting pig like Elaine.
You know.
Hey, I was married to her mother.
And you're also probably thinking of running away.
Oh, Mr.
Lefkowitz, please.
Well, good.
Because if you did run away and I couldn't find you to kill you, I'd kill your family.
Bring Elaine home early.
See you at the wedding.
[DOOR CLOSES] Come on, get packed.
I'll call Qantas.
Burt, Burt, I can't go.
What? Lefkowitz just told me if I run away, he'll kill all of you.
What am I gonna do? [] Leave it to me to fall in love with a priest.
And now I just know he's coming over here to tell me he's not gonna see me again.
Well, at least if you've lost him, you've lost him to God.
I lost Walter to Marilyn.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Corinne, Father Flotsky's here.
Ooh, tell him to come up.
Here? Yeah.
This is a bedroom.
So? So? So your pantyhose are on the floor.
Send him up.
Well, okay.
Good luck, sweetie.
Oh, don't leave.
Are you sure? Yeah.
If you're here, he won't say anything bad.
If you're here, he won't say anything.
You better go.
No, stay.
I can't hear it alone.
Okay.
Corinne.
And don't laugh.
No.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Hi, Corinne.
[LAUGHING] Hi, Eunice.
Hi, Tim.
How are you? Her boyfriend left her.
Eunice.
I'm sorry.
I can't stand it.
You're not gonna see me anymore, are you? What are you talking about? Of course I'm gonna see you again.
You are? Sure.
Oh, Tim.
Hey, are priests allowed to do that? EUNICE: Come on.
Corinne, I've made a decision.
I've decided to leave the priesthood.
You have? Yes, and I want to be with you.
Oh.
What's wrong? I thought that would please you.
I'm scared.
What if this doesn't work out? Corinne, I just didn't have the calling.
My superiors agree.
My mother didn't, but they do.
I'm not leaving the priesthood because of you.
I'm leaving because of me.
Oh.
Oh, Tim.
I love you.
I love you and I want you.
You've got me, Corinne.
You know what I mean.
No.
Corinne, after we're married.
You're asking me to marry you? No.
I've gone to my superiors and asked to be released from my vows because I wanna go steady.
You want to marry me? Yeah.
I want you to think about it.
And we have to wait until we're married to Oh, Corinne, please.
Give me a break.
This is not nothing I'm doing.
All right.
All right.
We'll wait.
No lovemaking until we're married.
Good.
So, what about petting? Oh, Corinne.
Necking? Come on, Corinne.
Okay.
Can I hold your hand? [] Jodie, why can't we live together? Carol, I'm gay.
Listen, the other night was nice.
It really was and I've told you that.
But I'm still gay.
Hey, listen, occasionally, I'll have a burrito.
I'm not Mexican.
Okay.
Okay.
So you're gay.
We can still live together.
Carol, come on.
And yow can you be so sure you're still gay? I didn't hear you screaming "rape" the other night.
Look, I know, okay? We walked in here tonight, I did not look at the hatcheck girl.
I looked at the maître d'.
Oh.
Well, we can still live together as friends.
We'll have an arrangement.
Carol, no.
Why not? Because I don't trust you.
Come on.
Carol, you said we'd just go away as friends, remember? Then you said, "Oh, we'll just go to sleep.
" Remember? The next morning, I woke up, I felt like Scarlett O'Hara after Rhett Butler carried her upstairs.
That will never happen again.
We'll get a big place, we'll both have our own rooms You have expectations.
I do not.
Oh, yes, you do.
No, Jodie, really.
I just want to be with you.
I love you.
And you said you loved me.
I do, but as a friend.
Well, then we should be together as friends.
Hey, you can always lock your door.
Get a German shepherd to stand guard.
Okay, then.
Okay? Yeah.
We can? Really? Yeah, but I get to name the dog.
Excuse me.
Jodie? Dennis.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
No.
No, not at all.
Carol, this is Dennis Phillips.
Remember I told you I know.
I know.
Dennis, this is Carol David.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, you mind if I join you for a drink? No, have a seat.
So how's your wife? It didn't work out.
She left me.
Oh, what happened? The quarterback couldn't complete the pass? Excuse me.
I have to go to the powder room.
I'll be back.
So you're separated.
What happened? It was a disaster.
Why didn't you call? I figured you'd be furious.
You were just afraid I'd say, "I told you so.
" You wouldn't have said that.
Oh, yes, I would.
Listen, Jodie, I made a terrible mistake.
And I'm sorry.
You can laugh at me and tell me to get lost, but I've gotta say it.
I love you and I want you back.
Well, I'm back.
Powder room's free.
[] [] What are you doing? I'm cooking breakfast.
Out.
No, no.
Now, Benson, I want to cook breakfast, and I want you to eat with us and not serve.
What are you talking about? We're all going to have breakfast together this morning.
Like one big happy family.
Is Mr.
Tate gonna be there? Yes.
I don't wanna eat with you.
Now, Benson, they said that the jury might come in this morning.
And, well, of course, I know I'm not gonna be found guilty, because I'm innocent.
But just in case, I want to cook one more meal.
I want to cook it and I want you to eat with us.
Please? Well, just this once.
Morning, Mom.
JESSICA: Morning, darling.
Benson.
Hi, Billy.
I'm fixing one of your favourite breakfasts this morning.
What's that? Waffles.
It's not one of my favourites.
I could have sworn it was.
What is that you're eating, Billy? A frozen Snickers.
That's one of my favourites.
Put that thing away.
You go upstairs and get dressed, hm? Breakfast will be ready when you're finished.
Okay, Mom.
Benson? Mm-hm.
If something should Don't worry.
I'll take care of him just fine.
Besides, nothing's gonna happen to you.
Yep.
JESSICA: Morning, Daddy.
I've got it.
I've got a plan that will work and free you this time.
The trouble before was I didn't have air support.
Come on, Major, let's get you out of them fatigues, and get you into some parade dress.
Oh, I love a parade.
Morning, darling.
How's your cold? Better.
Did you sleep well? Fine.
You? Fine.
I'm making waffles.
I see.
I love waffles.
So do I.
I knew somebody in this house liked waffles.
Waffles.
I even love the name.
When I was little, I used to love to put things inside of each little waffle compartment.
You know, like a button in one, a piece of jewellery in another.
When I was little, I used to drive my mother crazy.
Oh, Chester.
I'm so scared.
It just all suddenly hit me.
It suddenly hit me what could happen.
And I'm so scared.
[] Nothing's going to happen, Jess.
I promise.
I won't let it.
I love you far too much to let anything happen to you.
Oh, Chester.
I cannot stand this waiting.
Why, Mr.
Mallu, you've been through this so many times, I should think you'd be used to it by now.
This is different.
How so? Because this time, I'm in love with the defendant.
Ah.
Mr.
Mallu, I am the defendant.
At first, I thought you were a lunatic.
And then as I got to know you, I thought you were the most outrageous, impossible woman I'd ever met.
Now I find you the most original and delightful.
I can see right through you.
You're just saying that to divert my attention so I won't worry about the verdict.
I bet you say that to all your clients.
I don't.
Well, of course, you don't say it to your male clients.
Although it would certainly divert their attention.
If they find you guilty and put you away, I don't know what I'll do.
And if they find you innocent, you won't need me anymore.
Jessica? I'm in love with you.
Oh! Chester.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Chester, we're learning the Hustle.
That's it.
That's it.
Loosen up.
Come on, Chester.
Come on.
Don't be a stick in the hay.
Watch Mr.
Mallu.
Come on.
We're dancing our troubles away.
One, two, three, four.
The Hustle.
A one, two, three, four.
The Hustle.
[CLEARS THROAT] Miss Knight, if you and the Pips are ready, the jury's coming in.
Hustle Ah! Oh, Jess.
Mary.
Jessie Well, what's the matter, Mary? Mary? I think she's trying not to cry.
Why? Because her mascara will run and she'll look like a raccoon.
Why is she trying not to cry? Mary, you keep that up, you're gonna get the hiccups.
You see, she gulps a lot of air.
The last time, she hiccupped for eight hours.
Mary, why are you crying, or not crying? She's worried about the verdict, Aunt Jessica.
Is that it, Mary? Is it? Yes.
Oh, silly Mary.
Silly, silly Mary.
Come on.
Sit down.
Everybody sit down.
Mary, listen.
You listen to me.
I made an appointment to have my teeth cleaned tomorrow.
Now, do you think that I would actually do that if I were gonna be found guilty? No.
No.
So you cheer up, huh? [HICCUPPING] Everything's going to be fine.
[WHISPERS] Jessica.
Oh, Burt.
What? They're not smiling.
Who? The jury.
Oh, now, Mary, juries never smile.
Juries and gamblers, they gotta keep straight faces.
No, really.
They test them before they allow them to serve.
They tickle them.
If they laugh, pfft, they're out.
What do you think, Daddy? I think if this isn't over soon, I'm going to throw up.
The court is now in session.
Judge Anthony Petrillo presiding.
Everybody please rise.
All right.
Be seated.
Will the defendant please rise and face the jury? Has the jury reached a verdict? Yes, Your Honour.
It has.
Tinkler.
Will the foreman please read the verdict? Your Honour, the jury finds the defendant, Jessica Tate, guilty as charged of murder in the first degree.
[CROWD CHATTERING] No, I'm innocent.
[] I'm innocent.
[GAVEL BANGING] Jessica Tate, you've been found guilty by a jury of your peers.
You will be remanded in custody until I pronounce sentence upon you.
I I'm innocent.
ANNOUNCER: Jessica Tate did not kill Peter Campbell.
One of these five people did.
JESSICA: I'm innocent.
ANNOUNCER: Who killed Peter Campbell? Soap was videotaped in front of a studio audience.
[]