Solar Opposites (2020) s02e01 Episode Script

The Sacred Non-repeating Number

[dramatic music playing]

The ship is totally repaired!
We can finally leave this shithole planet
and find a good one
that Pupa can terraform.
Then we can grow more Shlorpians
from the seeds we have stored
in the cryopods.
So long, Earth suckers.
Enjoy the melting ice caps.
I hope the combustion engine was worth it.
Goodbye, oxygen-rich atmosphere.
Goodbye, puppies.
Goodbye, Maroon 5!
I'm glad we're finally going to a planet
that doesn't have stupid rules,
like saying "excuse me" after you fart.
You're supposed to say it before you fart.
This fucking sucks!
If I was team leader, we'd be getting
butter-drunk at Harry P-Land
and loading up on wands.
Well, tough titties, you're not.
Everyone, strap in.
I'm going to activate the launch.
Jesse! What what the hell is that?
M&Ms with the olives inside.
- They're oily and sour.
- Give me that!
Every ounce of weight matters!
Something this small
could set us off course
and straight into the sun.
We're back to equilibrium.
Launching now.
[boosters whooshing]
It's working! Wait.
MICHAEL: [on phone]
Geek Squad, Michael speaking.
This is Korvo the alien.
I'm calling to say fuck you, Michael.
You've been working on my Lenovo
for too many weeks now,
and you can just shove it
up your ass, Michael.
MICHAEL: The Judge said you're weren't
supposed to call here anymore.
Fuck you and fuck your whole squad,
and I fucked your mom.
MICHAEL: Whoa! Hey

- [beeping]
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[all screaming]
[man screaming]
No, the balance was off.
Did someone accidentally have
a penny in their pocket
or a contact lens or a feather?
I might have hidden
some stuff on the ship.
Did it weigh more than a gram?
What the hell?
Bags of sand, bowling balls,
Congo pinball machine, a lifetime supply
of Silly Putty eggs?
You needed to bring the entire series run
of Cops on DVD and VHS!
I didn't know what kind of player
the hotel would have.
There is no hotel! Terry, you idiot!
It's it's a empty planet.
This puts us right back
to where we were a year ago.
Oh my God, make a bigger deal
about it, ya poopy!
Yay! We're still trapped on Earth!
Excuse me.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
They're always thirsty.
But they don't drink their own piss,
I don't get it.
Just drink your own piss.

Oh yeah, they're making
Succession cereal with all the shapes:
Romans, Logans, and Purple Shivs!
The autopilot's completely destroyed.
We're going to have
to re-pilot the whole thing.
What is the distress detector doing
in the freezer?
Oh, it wouldn't stop beeping.
It was driving me nuts.
It only beeps when it receives
a Shlorpian distress call!
That means there's aliens
from the home world
somewhere in this quadrant!
How long has this been beeping?
A year?
Or a year and a half, maybe?
Damn it, Terry! All right,
come on, we have to help them!
They're probably on an M-class planet
somewhere in the Gamma sector.
What the hell, they're on Earth!
Looks like the Solar Opposites
are going to London!
I can't believe we get to use
the hover platform.
I thought that was a one-time thing.
The Solar Opposites
are hovering to London!
Would you stop saying that.
W-what does that even mean?
Well, I just think we should be called
"The Solar Opposites."
No, that's stupid.
Wait, where's Yumyulack and the Pupa?
Damn it! How are we still so bad at this?
Watching the Pupa is
your whole job, Terry.
Don't worry, I'm sure
Yumyulack's keeping him real safe.
What could go wrong?
I guess as long as he doesn't let
the Pupa watch Robocop again,
it'll it'll be fine.
Dead or alive, you're coming with me!
Suck my shitty tits, Robocop!
[Pupa gasps]
[man screaming]
[bell rings]
Jaeden, Aaden, Braden.
Still as cool as last year, I see.
We are, but our internal politics
have shifted.
This year, Jaeden is our leader.
I was demoted.
You know, my adults are out of town.
If you guys want to hang at my place,
we could drink too much
and maybe hurt our chances
of living past 65.
A witch said I'm gonna die at 25 anyway,
so I guess I'm down.
Silence. Your alpha speaks.
Yumyulack, it'd be cool to throw
a sleepover party.
I decree that all cool kids will attend.
But I thought you hated me?
Dunking on you was a policy
of the Aaden era.
Since then, we all went
to Christian summer camp
and realized it's cool to be inclusive.
It was Christian Slater's volleyball camp.
This'll be the coolest party of the year!
[all talking gibberish]

The Solar Opposites
have made it to London!
All right, shut up, follow me.
Oh, so now he's calling us
"the Solar Opposites"?
Oh, I cannot wait to meet
these new aliens.
Do you think they've been
studying hydron levels
or stratospheric particulates?
Wow, both sound so cool, it's hard
to pick. Hopefully both?
Oh my god, that would be amazing.
[device beeping]
[pigeons cooing]
[beeping quickens]
Hmm. That's odd.
Apparently, they live in the sewer
for some reason.
[beeping quickens]
[beeping quickens]
Damn, look at that ship. It's nice.
Hello? Is anyone here in distress?
What are you doing? Get in here!
Uh, we were following a distress call?
Doesn't seem like
you're in that much distress.
I am Kabronius,
team leader of this ship.
This is Zelvod, my co-team leader,
and our replicants Tivo and Damasculon.
Are you crazy? Where are your masks?
I didn't know we needed masks.
I've been breathing air for over a year!
- [inhales, coughs]
the face masks are so
you can hide from the Terrans!
We use these to walk amongst the Terrans
so they don't capture and dissect us.
Where we live in America,
we don't wear masks.
We're noticeable almost all of the time.
Yeah, our ship sticks out
of the top of our house,
and one time we covered
the whole town in ice lava.
So, they know us.
B-b-but, you know, we also spend
a lot of time hiding from Terrans
- as well.
- No, we don't.
Aren't you scared that
the government will kidnap you?
Yes, all the time, we have
to be very careful around Terrans.
They're the aliens, a-a-am I right?
I never thought of it like that.
They really are.
Oh, oh, can we show them
the neutron array?
- Please?
- Okay, okay.
It is very nice. We have
a very nice neutron array.
Who calls it "terra"?
Yeah, these dorks are real Korvos.
[both snicker]
And of course, the end
of any good ship tour,
the havacord meniscus.
Is this dual sided?
It is! This guy knows his stuff.
Ugh, I wish I had a dual meniscus,
ours only emits from the left.
Ah, so great. Hey, guys.
Do you wanna go eat tikka masala
and see some castles?
Maybe, uh, Ramsay some Gordons?
Ooh yes! Let's go meet Pippa.
Nobody gets her.
Oh, no, no, no. We survive
by creeping out at night
to find food in dumpsters.
If we get spotted, we erase people's minds
with a memory zapper.
Eventually, we might infiltrate
the government
and try brainwashing some people.
Wow, then you could go work
in the government.
This ship is so much nicer than ours,
not to mention our house is cluttered
with toys and magazines.
Oh, we only allow Shlorpian items
to stay on the ship,
it reminds us of home.
- You hear that, Terry?
- "You hear that Terry?" Shut up, bitch.
We were about to start our hourly prayers.
Care to join?
Eh, we only pray on Easter
or when we think we're about to die.
And even then, we don't really mean it.
I call dibs on the first
three hundred psalms!
No fair!
It is so good to know that
we aren't alone in this dangerous world.
Look, if you ever need
a Shlorpian place to stay,
our hatch is open.
We have tons of room
and all the eel trash you can eat.
Thank you. And may I just say
- [horn honking]
- Ugh, can we please go already?
Sorry. I just wanted
to thank you for being
- [horn honking]
- Korvo, I'm bored!
Bye! Have fun!
Looks like the Solar Opposites
are going to America!
- Next time we're flying!
- No! I like the platform!
Can you believe those weirdo
British aliens pray every hour?
Next time, let's just ignore
the distress signal.
Bunch of Jar Jar dinks.
Meesa gonna hide from Terrans!
Those Shlorpians were exactly
the way we are supposed to be.
Sneaking out at night
to dumpster dive for trash food?
Meesa gonna eat trash!
They're basic.
We're extra, they're basic.
They were not!
I'm honestly surprised
they didn't have a flying saucer.
They were like a bunch of ALFs:
Alone Loser Fucks.
They honor the proud traditions
of the home world
and from now on, so do we.
We're all meditating around
the obsidian candle tonight
as a family.
- Yeah, right, pass.
- Hard pass.
This is important! It's who we are!
It's our heritage.
You've gone just as native as we have.
Yeah, you like Pizza Hut stuffed crust
as much as we do.
You even bought a gym membership
and you never went.
You're sort of like
a fake alien, you know.
You two are fake aliens!
Ugh, what are you doing?
I'm moving to ye olde London town
to live with the aliens
that appreciate me!
That guy really turns
on a dime, doesn't he?
He's tough to manage.
We're so happy you've decided
to be a part of our mission, Korvo.
You seem like a Shlorpian lasered
from the same zarb as us.
Oh, it's nice to be around a team
that's preserved our culture
and keeps our culture preserved,
you know.
Just think of this ship as
a comforting piece of the home world.
Now let's circle around the grangnar
and hit ourselves with ropes.
That sounds wonderful.
[all grunting]
TIVO: Oh, it hurts so good.
- Are you sure
- ALL: Ow!
- your old teammates are okay with you
- ALL: Ow!
- joining us?
- ALL: Ow!
- Something tells me
- ALL: Ow
they're already regretting
being dicks to me.
I'm never taking off
my Poe Dameron jammies ever again!
Hey, oh, what are you going to do
now that Korvo's dead, I mean gone?
I adopted a high-maintenance
elderly dog!
We're going to have to spend a lot of time
cleaning out her ears,
putting lotion in her butt,
squeezing the anals,
all the responsibility
I've been begging for!
You wanna play with the gold machine?
Korvo would hate that, let's do it!
- [barks]
- Ah!

[Jesse and Terry laughing]
Korvo would be so mad
that I'm rolling in all this gold!
I just canceled the family cell plan
and switched us over to Boost Mobile!
It comes with Crackle Plus!
They got all of Adam Sandler's
friends' movies but none of his.
What the hell? I thought
you guys were in London.
Korvo left the family,
and I got a basset hound.
I don't give a shit!
A bunch of cool kids are coming over
for a sleepover this weekend,
so can you please just be chill?
Hey, maybe they'll want
to have a gold fight!
Guys, don't embarrass me!
No giving out gold!
[dramatic music playing]

ZELVOD: This is amazing!
We're gonna be eating trash for a week!
I didn't see any Terran soldiers,
I think we avoided detection.
Uh-uh-uh, just a thought,
but maybe they aren't hunting you?
[all laugh]
Yeah, right, that sounds like
human lover talk.
Hey, Korvo, why don't you recite
the holy number before we dig in?
Oh, it's an honor!
[clears throat]
Eight, seven, five.
Z-zero uh it's zero
and then f-four?
No, three. I'm sorry, I-I haven't said
the holy number for a while.
What, you don't say it at home?
Of course I do, it's just
L-let me think.
Eight, seven, four
No, five, seven
[all laughing]
- You sound like a sproutling!
- "Fuh-fuh-fuh four?"
It's a non-repeating number.
Oh, you really have gone native.
Oh no. Am I the "Terry" of this team?
No, that's impossible.
Are you narrating to yourself
like you're the star of a TV show?
Oh god, I am the Terry!
Jesse! Where do we keep money?
We have a huge Postmates bill
from ordering all those ketchup packets.
Can't we just use the gold machine?
Whoa, whoa, what's, what's with you,
are you poisoned?
Ugh, the dog is so high maintenance,
I didn't sleep at all.
It thinks I'm a toy.
But I'm not.
I just look like one!
Aw, man, the whole thing
just turned to gold!
How am I supposed to make gold now?
Stupid piece of crap.
[banging on door]
Hey! This is Andrew from Postmates!
You owe me fifty thousand dollars!
When did they get
so intense about billing?
Turns out it's actually pretty hard
to get your side hustle on.
[car horn honking]
Ugh, without Korvo here to fix
our gold machine or fight our creditors,
I guess I gotta find a job.
The customer comes in,
they pick their cookie,
they pick their ookie,
you weigh it, then you charge ‘em.
Yeah, when do I get paid?
End of the month, but, but you get
free ookie after closing
'cause it gets crusty if we don't use it.
[door opens]
Hey, stop limping the biscuits!
You have to pay for that!
K-Kabronius, c-can I talk
to you for a second?
Well, of course, Korvo, what's up?
I-I-I want this team to accept me
as a dedicated Shlorpian.
Is there any role I can fill?
D-d-do you need a ship repair guy?
What we need is a Pupa specialist.
Oh. Where's your Pupa?
I-I-I could try that. I-I could do that.
- We don't have one.
- W-what happened to it?
We never had one to begin with.
We left before they were fully designed.
Rich people don't wait for anything.
You weren't assigned a Pupa
when you escaped the home world?
No, it went a little differently for us.
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
Some Shlorpians were workers,
bred for duty and servitude.
What? We were?
Others were an unseen ruling class
of wealthy leisure addicts.
Us rich aliens were given a heads-up
about the asteroid
about a month before it hit.
We bought expensive ships
and left way, way, way in advance.
We landed on an already populated planet
and have been waiting for one
of the Pupa crews to terraform it
so we can get back to being rich.
I've never heard of rich,
non-working Shlorpians.
That's why it worked so great.
If you don't have a Pupa,
then why do you need a specialist?
We need a Pupa.
Terry's clearly gone native,
he can't be a good guardian.
I mean, wouldn't the Pupa be happier
with true Shlorpians,
terraforming a fresh planet?
It does sound better.
We want you to rescue your Pupa,
bring it to us,
so we can have a new life.
A new Shlorpian life.
I-I'll do it.
First, we must Pupa-proof the ship.
He likes to stick his nub in sockets.
He will eat anything that's blue.
Man, I hate working at Ookie Cookie.
It is way more demeaning
than the name implies.
And these Poe Dameron jammies
are starting to stink.
I think the basset hound hates me.
It makes me wear this collar
and keeps burying me in the backyard.
[gasps] That's it!
Okay, look. If we dress
and act like Korvo,
maybe we'll be better
at taking care of ourselves.
So we have to repair the ship
and complain a lot?
Why did you say "that's it"?
Oh, it's just always what I say
when I think of something.
Let's get to work.
Okay, what would Korvo say?
"Terry! Stop sucking on cereal
and having fun!"
'No way, you're not my dad."
"Do what I fuckin' say!"
- "I'll be in my room!"
- I hate this.
There you go,
now you're sounding like Korvo.
All my cool friends
are three hours late.
I think I gave them the wrong address!
I'm taking the Yeet Detector
and going out to find them.
Yeet. Yeet. Yeet.
Terry hates dealing
with the Pupa anyway.
He's going to be so happy.
[ringtone plays]
W-why did I have to BoostTime you?
Did you sign up with Boost Mobile?
Yes, it's just one of many mistakes
we've made since you left!
Korvo, we messed up.
We really need you and miss you,
and I'm afraid I'm going
to get eaten by a dog.
What dog? I-I told you
no dogs in the house
until I figure out how to make them
see me as the alpha!
Are you guys wearing ceremonial garb?
Please come home. You were right.
You were right!
- We'll be better, Korvo! We miss you!
- You really miss me?
And if I came home, you wouldn't shame me
for not knowing
the sacred non-repeating number?
No. What the fuck are you talking about?
No, we need your help.
We're pieces of shit without you!
Wow. Admitting you're wrong,
begging me to help,
calling yourselves pieces of shit,
this is what I've always wanted!
I'll be home soon, stay miserable!
Yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet, yeet
Jaeden! You guys are
accidentally partying at the wrong house!
Aw, man. He found us.
Nobody wants to go to a sleepover
with an ugly blue alien
that smells like a penis.
I told you to have that sleepover
so you wouldn't find out about our party.
But you said I was cool.
Oh, you're not, you suck.
And to add some injury to insult,
fuck you, you little blue bitch!
[Yumyulack screams]
[boys laughing]
Korvo! Ready to scoop up the Pupa?
I've changed my mind,
you can't have the Pupa.
But, uh, isn't Terry an idiot?
Yes, but he's a part of my team.
And it's my job to lead them.
What about the plan?
When will you terraform so we can
get back to living our secret rich lives?
You'll just have to keep doing
what you're doing
and wait for the Pupa
to evolve just like us.
K-Kabronius! What the hell!
Let me out of here!
No! That Pupa belongs to us!
- Ow, you're heavy.
- Fuck you.
Don't you touch my Pupa,
you rich fucks!
[Korvo grunting]
Let me out of here!
The Pupa will be happier
in a team of real Shlorpians.
Fuck you, Zelvod!
You're a piece of shit! You hear me?
Fuck all of you!
You're a bunch of hacky ALFs!
[dramatic music playing]
[people screaming]
Damn it! Wait, the sacred number.
Eight, five, nine, four, two
Pupa detected, coordinates locked.
Five, two, damn it, six!
Ha! I knew that stupid number
the whole time!
Who's an idiot now?
Fuck! Eight, five,
seven, nine, four, two
Alien climbing up out of the sewer, huh?
What a time to be alive!
- Welcome to the UK.
- Which way to the Ferris wheel?
Take you forever on foot, love.
Come on, I'll give you a ride.
[siren wailing]

[people scream]

[metal snapping]
[thudding footsteps]
I thought he was going to roll it
like a big wheel,
but I guess that lack of creativity
is why I'm just a cop.
[thudding footsteps]

Give us your Pupa!
Okay, why?
Talking is getting us nowhere.
Lethal force!

Fuck you, you're never
gonna get our Pupa.
Activate auto defenses!
[alarm blares]

On my count, unleash sci-fi hell!
Three, two, one
[jazz music playing]
Jesus, shit. That was
the craziest battle I've ever been in.
And all in one unbroken take?
That must have cost a million dollars!
Give us the Pupa
and we'll stop shooting at you.
Let's just blast him and take the Pupa.
[thudding footsteps]
Stop, stop!
You can have the Pupa,
but we need to tell you
how to take care of it.
If it dies, you won't get
to be rich and lazy.
All right, fine!
You have 30 seconds!
Korvo! The Pupa's like our baby.
You can't give him away.
Shut up. I'm team leader.
And these guys have never seen
a Pupa before.
- So?
- In case this doesn't work, go hide
under the covers with this gun.

Here's the Pupa. Tha-tha-that's
the whole Pupa, right there.
It's even cuter than I imagined!
It's an honor to meet you, oh noble Pupa.
The Pupa needs to be walked
four times a day.
Don't forget, or she'll pee
where you don't want her to.
Make sure to wipe its tushy
with a wet wipe.
You have to boil fresh chicken
and rice for her.
- Uh-huh, slow down.
- Fresh, or she gets hives.
Also, I'm so sorry,
but her ears are a mess!
Slow down. Slow down.
Wow, way to not know
the basics of Pupa care.
So how do we make it evolve
and terraform?
If it's not terraforming, that just
means you aren't making it happy enough.
We will dedicate our entire lives
to pleasing this creature.
Okay, good luck!
Oh, and every time it barks,
you have to punch yourself in the face.
He's right, that's true.

- [growls]
- Oh!
[glass shatters]
[whimpers, farts]
Oh. Something just fell out
of its stinking hole.
That must mean it's ready
to start terraforming!
[all cheering]
- [barks]
- ALL: Ow!
- What happened to you?
- The cool kids threw me in a tree,
so I'm going to kill them
with my satellite.
[laser powers on]
I thought you used that thing to look
for ladies sun-tanning on their roofs.
Yeah, well, now I'm going
to use it to melt bullies.
- BOY: Ahem!
- Uh, who are you?
I'm Daryl. Here for the sleepover.
- Wha You are?
- Yeah, y'all still doing that?
- Nobody else showed up.
- Oh good, I hate people anyway.
So do I!
Hey, you wanna see
the wall full of adults I've shrunk?
- Sure.
- [machinery clanking, rumbling]
Oh, so it's like an ant farm, huh?
Yeah, I know, it's dumb.
No, no, no, I like it.
Hey, you wanna play games on our phones
and talk shit about people?
Yes, a billion times, yes.
That was a crazy day.
Hey, you know what. I-I'm just glad
everything is back to normal.
We all learned a lesson.
Feels good. Feels good in here
and feels good down here.
The lesson I learned today
is to start doubling down on being strict
and being even more dedicated
to the mission than ever before.
Korvo, no!
Yes! That way I'll never feel like
some other alien
is more orthodox than me ever again!
Well, then I'm going to double down
on being shallow and trashy
- just to cancel you out.
- No, don't do that!
- I do what I want, son! I'm li'l Terry.
- I'm team leader, that's an order!
I don't care.
I don't care. I don't care.
- Fuck you, Terry!
- I can't hear you.
[all gasp]
Oh Jesus, was that the Pupa's gun?
No no, no, no, no, no, no!
Holy shit.
The Pupa killed a Robocop!
Oh, I am so proud of you!

[imitating laser fire]
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