Solar Opposites (2020) s03e02 Episode Script

The Edamame Duffle Bag

What happened to you?
I was in a focus group for
a new Funyuns, hard seltzer.
I have a hangover,
and I keep coughing up salt.
Please, everyone, shut the fuck up.
Korvo, Korvo, Korvo!
- Get out of here.
- Were those gender-reveal cannons?
Yes. They were to reveal
an all-new Korvo.
Korvo's second act! 2 Fast 2 Korvo.
I'm not focusing on the mission or
fixing the ship, I can do what I want.
You're still hung up on that?
We're not serialized.
Like that big, weird face on the wall.
We've never set that up.
Tell that to my new robe.
- Oh, fashion!
- Please, just could you hold off
on any big character changes
until my headache goes away?
Sure, I'll just sit here
and think about ship repairs.
- Thank you.
- Is what the old Korvo would've said.
New Korvo has to practice
for a stomp audition.
Oh, shit! There we go. Nothing gets rid
of a hangover like a big old dump.
Planet Shlorp was
a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
I don't understand hair.
Humans are always combing and creaming
and fawning over their hair. Hair sucks.
A nice, smooth dome
with blue dots on it is the ideal head.
Damn, you look thicc, Pupa.
What's the deal?
He gets backed up
with stuff he eats off the ground.
Terry's supposed to clean him,
but he hates doing it.
Don't let him hear it's time
or he'll hide under the house.
We could do it.
Decluttering stuff is a passion of mine.
Like pottery or Korean hentai.
Great. It's all yours.
See if Terry's retainer is in there.
His teeth look like
Justin drew them himself.
Hold on. Cleaning out
the Pupa isn't our job.
- I'm busy.
- With what?
Whatever the fuck I want.
Why the hell did you say we would
do this? I had big plans today.
I was gonna work on developing
unnoticeable lisp to impress hot chicks.
Well, excuse me for
caring about the Pupa.
Don't be a butthole, dickwad.
Whatever. Let's just get this done.
There's that dead rat down here!
Hey, Korvo, what do you
want to fix today?
The xenon emitters are super fucked up.
I'm freeing myself
from all that sci-fi shit, Aisha.
I need to figure out
something grounded.
- What, like getting a job?
- Are there jobs that are fun
with no boss and make you feel
like you're doing something
- even though you aren't? - That's called a hobby.
Here's a list of the 7,000
most popular American hobbies.
Omit any that require
a fifth grade education.
- None of them do. It's an American list.
- Perfect.
Ugh. Negative again.
We'll just have to keep trying.
I really wish we could stop. It's
so annoying having sex all the time.
It's like a damn bang bus up in here.
Uh-huh. I'm sure you're really
put out. I just have this hunch
that we're destined to conceive
the first baby in the Wall.
Wouldn't that be cool?
Super cool.
And a couple of slabs of turkey jerky.
Wife wants me to up my protein.
Bit by the baby bug?
Been getting that a lot these days.
I guess it's in the air.
Hey, it's the cricket killer.
- On the house.
- No, I can't.
You can do anything.
You saved the world twice.
Wait up. Hey, in my old life,
I worked at Best Buy.
But now, instead of constantly lying
and ripping people off,
I want to help them.
I want to be like you.
No, you don't! Sorry, soldier reflexes.
That was awesome.
I just got wall-checked by a hero.
Please tell me that's protein.
How long are we gonna
hide you in this church?
Until we know Pezlie is safe.
I just wish I could tell Nova.
Newlyweds shouldn't have secrets.
The truth will come out soon enough.
Mm. Oh, my God.
This is so good. You're my hero.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
According to WebMD,
we have to jack his mouth open
and climb inside.
We're not gonna fit in there.
I can hardly even fit in my jeans since
we learned how easy it is to fry shrimp.
I don't know, the Pupa's mysterious.
You want to read it?
Reading's for narcs. Let's just do it.
You just keep watching TV
- and don't swallow us. - PAW Patrol!
Cherie, what a beautiful child.
Jesse's light is shining on us.
This is Sister Sisto, my protege.
Our secrets are safe with her.
I signed an NDA in blood.
It was a blood orange Fresca,
still legally binding.
I can't thank you enough
for sheltering us for so long.
I just don't want anyone finding out
about Pezlie. Especially Tim.
Tim has lost his way.
The Bowinian church will protect you.
Hopefully, it'll be a short stay.
Tim's guards change shifts at midnight.
I'll walk in, knock 'em out and have him
back here before anyone knows he's gone.
And then his lies will be revealed
to the rest of the Wall.
Exactly. I'll stay in disguise
until we get to his inner chamber.
I don't think you should come.
What the fuck are you talking about?
We've been preparing together.
You're emotionally invested.
This requires a cool head and focus.
I need to see the look in Tim's eyes
when he sees that I'm alive
and I'm exposing him
for the fraud he is.
This is my new thing.
I'm a hot sauce guy from now on.
Look at all these hilarious labels.
Ass Blasting Hot.
Doesn't get any better than that.
Feels good to finally have
something that's all me.
Yee-haw. I'm Tomatillo Terry.
are you doing here?
I'm always hot saucing
on the weekend, my dude.
Yep. I've got the sixth most
popular tomatillo in the county.
My sauce was featured
on MasterChef: Behind Bars.
The one
they film in prison.
Every recipe requires
toilet water and shoeshine.
Damn it! I don't want to share
my hobby with you. I want my own.
Time to silently knit up in this bitch.
I heard on Twitter that Bad Bunny has
a cold, so I'm knitting him a snuggie.
I have never seen you knit.
Bullshit. I homespun you those
Animal Crossing themed boot socks.
- Those were from Hot Topic.
- We're doing a collab.
Ow! Ow! Oh my God, Korvo.
I think there are needles in my eyes
Korvo, I can't see. I feel like Duncan
in that movie Prince of Thieves.
Do you remember
that movie Prince of Thieves?
The character of Duncan?
They took his eyes. That's me now.
Yes, this is it.
This is going to be my jam, baby.
- Whee! Whee!
- Fuck!
This one better work,
or it's back to being myself.
Is Terry here?
Green alien? Super-hot and moist?
Whimsical T-shirts?
Nope. You're my first alien.
Yes. If another one comes in,
tell him to fuck off.
- Trains are mine.
- I don't know.
This ain't a hobby
for the faint of heart.
- I have three hearts.
- It'll consume all your time,
ostracize you from your friends
and take over your life.
Enough foreplay.
How much to get me
into a miniature caboose today?
Is this some sort of competitive
hobby thing with your alien husband?
Or do you actually care
about the locomotive arts?
I have unlimited budget
and zero self-control.
Cabooses are right over here.
Well, I guess
Pupa's bigger on the inside.
A real biological marvel, this guy.
Ugh, it smells like hot dog water.
Hot dog water never backs you up
that bad. What do you think he got into?
I don't know. I don't want to be here.
Don't be a whiner, Yumyulack.
We can leave when we're done.
Ugh. I got a waffle maker,
Yuck, one of those blacklight Bob Marley
posters, and, oh, a Koosh ball.
You know, I got a couple of arms,
some pods, a ton of forks
and so many dead goobers.
This is gonna take forever.
Thanks a lot for
opening your dumb mouth.
Come back! Where are you going?
If we're stuck here, I want to be
as far from you as possible.
Hold it. That's the alarm system.
Gen five Furby. Motion sensor's
better than the Pentagon's.
I got this.
One wrong step, that gizmo triggers
and Tim's guards will hear its moans
and creepy phrases.
That's why we spent weeks
practicing Capoeira. Let's dance.
And after passing
the Atlanta Trap Music Museum,
the train takes five seconds
to reach the Tyler Perry Studios.
Korvo, this is amazing train work.
You keep this up and you'll
find yourself on the cover of Chugga.
Aisha, have you seen
my model Lululemon store?
Damn. I just scanned
your happiness rating,
and it's an eight out of ten million.
That's the highest it's ever been.
- You okay?
- It's simple.
I'm a train man.
I find bliss in the rails.
Now that
you have a hobby,
let's get back to cleaning up
the xenon in my vents.
Yeah, right. I'm never fixing you again.
This is who I am now.
Look at my conductor hats. My Lulu.
Korvo, get back here.
If you were a real basic bitch,
you'd call it Lemon.
But I can't lie. That hat looked good.
- Something's wrong.
- What a shit hole!
At least Ringo kept it tidy up here.
- It wasn't always like this.
- Shh. I hear voices.
- Someone else is here. We should go.
- No way. We've come too far.
- Cherie. Don't!
- in the top ten best albums.
I'm not saying
we remove any Beatles album.
No, wait, wait. We forgot about
Kendrick Lamar.
Whoa, whoa. You can't talk to me
like that. I'm the boss around here.
And if I say Home Alone
takes place in the same
cinematic universe as Curly Sue,
that's what it's got to be.
- What the fuck is he doing?
- I don't know.
all like this.
You're my fucking boys.
You know, those guys are dead.
Cherie, is it really you?
Bet you didn't think you'd ever see
this bad bitch again.
I see you all the time.
We have a standing date
to do the crossword.
Neapolitan, ten across, remember?
You told me you were gonna
get into jogging.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm sorry I killed you,
but hey, now we're ghost friends,
just like Ethan and my Walldermen.
Right, guys?
Hey. Okay, enough sailor talk.
There's a lady present.
Uh, he thinks I'm a ghost.
- What is that even
- Why are you a ghost?
Whoa. That's cool. I didn't even
have to kill you. You backed up my lie.
The cricket thing, remember?
I'm not here to listen
to your shit anymore.
- Look at him. I think he's really sick.
- Man. Running out of teeth.
So thirsty. Gotta have a drink.
- Wait a minute.
- Tim, what do you remember?
- How did I die?
- Oh, boy, here we go again.
She really loves to make me say it.
I betrayed you. Stabbed you through
with a toothpick cane
because I wanted to rule the Wall,
and I've regretted it ever since.
Every single night.
Nightmares. I'm constantly
having nightmares.
What the hell happened to him?
- I think I know. Look.
- The Burger King glass?
Vintage, 1983. Had the whole set
when I was a kid.
- They don't sell them anymore.
- So? Glass can't make you sick.
Not the glass. The paint.
It's lead, made in China.
They had to recall them
'cause they made kids sick.
Real sized kids.
Tim's only a jelly bean and a half tall.
He's been drinking out of it
for at least a year.
Cooked his backstabbing little brain.
He'll be dead in a week.
Perfect. Let's get out of here.
He did our job for us.
- We still have to kidnap him.
- What? This is what we wanted.
No, I want justice.
Cherie. Come on, take a win
when you're handed one.
I want him fully cognizant
when we expose his ass,
or no one will believe us.
Give me the edamame pod.
- I'll smuggle him out.
- I'm not helping you save him.
- The whole point was to take him out.
- Halk, don't make me do this.
If we don't expose the lies,
this will keep happening.
Pezlie needs to live in a wall based on
truth, not on his lies and not on yours.
You're right.
Congratulations on growing a conscience.
Hey, guys, check out
this tiny Lulu. Terry!
Hey, K-dog. Check this out.
And feel free to video it
so you can do it at home.
Choo Choo, motha fuckers.
- Damn, this guy's cool.
- Holy shit.
No. No. He hates model trains.
Really? 'Cause Terry was just
pitching us his model town idea.
You know, Candyland?
Picture mountains of Lemonheads
and train tracks of candy cigarettes.
That's stupid, and it's not realistic.
It's as basic as a Christmas
gingerbread house.
We've been encouraging Terry
to get into model trains.
- The more the merrier.
- The more the shittier.
Oh, come on, Korvo. Nothing gets me
going like a hobby with a magazine.
- Makes me want to
- Don't segue into a montage.
A montage.
- Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.
- What do you think you're doing?
Judge Dredd's on vacation
from Mega-City One.
Just a little gift from me to you.
Dystopian law enforcement officers
don't fit in with my motif.
What about the White Hen Pantry I added?
It's a regional Chicago option
for when 7-11 is too classy.
Would you get that out of here?
My town is too bougie for it.
They've got great deals on individual
Kraft singles, not packaged for retail.
That's not gonna stop Hen.
Know what I'm saying?
I don't know what you're saying.
I hate you. You're ruining everything.
But we're just having fun.
It's not fun. It's my life.
Thinks he can take trains from me?
I'll show him. I'll show them all.
Nom, nom nom.
Babe, that you?
Uh, what the hell?
Korvo, did you move the house?
No. I invented a model train ray.
It makes trains, towns and rails,
all at slightly larger than scales.
K, this model is spectacular.
Look out, here comes the 9:15.
The fuck! It's huge.
Where does it even go?
It's exactly 1.2:1 scale
of an actual train.
And it goes across the whole continent!
What the hell? Someone told me
the huge destructive train
was coming from the alien house.
But I didn't want to believe it.
We're getting calls
from all over the country.
You can't just put rails
wherever you want.
Fuck you. Trains for life.
He gave us no choice.
We're gonna have to kill him.
Okay, boys, turn those body cams off.
Oh no, Korvo.
Train check.
That's breaking the rules.
No real trains allowed.
I'm trying to save you, you stupid man.
Save this.
You'll never win this, Terry.
My train makes its own rails.
Watch out for the mountain.
You just broke my plastic mountain.
Asshole, that was expensive.
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm going to Tokyo drift.
Crap, crap, crap. Don't hit me.
Grab my hand like they did in True Lies.
Why wouldn't you say like in
Cliffhanger? I love that movie.
But I don't. John Lithgow as
the villain, no, thank you.
That's the end of trains.
How about you start a blog
or find room for Christ
in your faithless shallow life?
You can't take away my hobby
if I am the hobby.
Easy there, Korvo.
That ray makes plastic libraries.
And now it will make me a God.
Holy shit.
A 1929 CCR double XL triple steam liner.
Stop that. Get off me.
I'm happy as a train.
Hell yes. Ethan Hunt over here.
Mission Possible, baby.
Wait, I can do it better.
Crap. That was worse. I got to
try again. Don't have much time.
Hey. A stub from when we
saw Gotti in IMAX 3D.
Remember how Travolta's wig
popped right out of the screen?
Aw, that movie sucked butts.
Pupa ate that, huh?
I guess he's not picky.
Sorry if I was being a bi-atch earlier.
I just
Yumyulack. Yumyulack.
- No. It's, it's, it's a
- A Javelina!
We gotta get to the mouth.
I recognize this bite pattern.
That's the shape of Terry's retainer.
The Javelina must be wearing it.
But why? Javelinas are famous
for showing dental hygiene.
Aw, he must be stressed out
and grinding his teeth.
I mean, who wouldn't be
when they live inside the Pupa?
Okay, Terry. Time to be the hero.
Just stay focused and
What the fuck?
A frame fucking photo of Polar Express,
Tom Hanks, but none of me?
God damn it. Stay on point.
It's time to stop this train.
Stickers. No, no. They're all stickers.
- My God.
- I'm still a model, you dumbass!
You better get out of me now.
I'm gonna crash into Union Station,
just like in Silver Streak.
But you'll die, and I will, too.
And all the chains at Union Station,
the Dunkin' Donuts
and the Jared's
Jewelry Store.
But if I don't have my hobby, what am I?
Without trains, I might as well be dead.
Korvo, you aren't what you do.
You're who you love.
- And that's me.
- But you have all your own hobbies.
I wanted to share them with you.
Why do you think I started
training in the first place?
So we could do it together.
Really? Together? We can be like
Stan and Barb from down the block
that started that
homemade candle company?
Yes, but not as desperate
and lame as them
because we don't have
their debt problems.
Thank you, Terry.
That's all I needed to hear.
I will stop being a train.
All right.
Wait. Why aren't you slowing down?
I'm a long ass train.
It takes ten minutes to come to a stop.
And my brakes are a little rusty
and I'm dehydrated.
All right.
It's just doesn't seem any slower.
You try slowing down
with this big of a caboose.
Trains are so dorky.
Cool things stop fast, like motorcycles.
Maybe become a motorcycle next time.
Think about that.
Is saving my life boring to you?
You want me to steal Silver Streak?
- No.
- That's what I thought.
- Stupid trains. I'm over it.
- Hey.
Tell me a joke.
Hey! Where are you going with that?
You're supposed to be in that
edamame line over there.
Sister, we have him, but
He looks like he has lead poisoning from
some kind of fast food novelty glass.
- She's good.
- I can nurse him to health.
Everyone. It's a code red.
You hear that, Pezlie? We did it.
From now on,
this will be a wall of truth.
Let's get you some help, little fella.
This Javelina needs a mouth guard.
He's been grinding his teeth, see?
Dude, why would we be here
if we didn't already know that?
Go on, Javelina.
Go where the Javelinas go.
Be free out in the woods,
doing Javelina things.
We'll text you a reminder for your
six month checkup.
See, when we work together,
we can do anything.
- Sorry, I was a dick back in the Pupa.
- I'm sorry, too.
But, hey, we both
got retainers out of it.
And next time we'll crawl
under the house before Terry does.
Good job cleaning out the Pupes.
He's in a better mood.
- Mm. He had a Javelina in him.
- What?
Javelina inside the Pupa.
It had your mouthguard.
Yeah, right.
The Pupa's Javelina died last year
from accidentally eating
some rat poison.
But that means
It was a ghost!
That's stupid.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Yes, there is.
We took one to the periodontist today.
Why would you not believe in ghosts?
You're a train.
I'm only a train because I lost
my model ray somewhere in Nevada.
I'm reverting back to normal.
It's just going to take a while.
Sorry you don't have
a hobby anymore, Korvo.
It's okay. Terry and I
are going to do a hobby together.
Yay! You promised you would
make an effort to like it.
Yes. Once my body is back,
I promise to like it.
What did you have in mind?
This is my all-time favorite hobby.
What is? I can't see
what's at the front of the line.
No, this. We're doing it.
- Doing what?
- Standing in line.
It's my favorite hobby.
What we're doing right now is it?
You love waiting in lines?
- You promised to try.
- I know.
- Korvo.
- Whatever. It's just a dumb line.
I'll give it a chance.
Yeah, line time, baby.
This is so stupid.
How long are we supposed
to stand in this line?
Wow, we're still here.
Huh? I thought once the credits started,
we'd crash to black and be out of here.
You know what,
once the production cards hit,
we'll be on to the next episode,
and this will be done.
Just a little bit longer.
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