Solar Opposites (2020) s04e02 Episode Script

The Earth Rake (beta)

[dramatic theme music]

Korvo, how do you like
living with the boss?
I bet it's like living with a king!
Shut up, Doug.
Terry's hashtag not my boss hashtag.
Let's get that trending.
This is so exciting!
I wonder how he's going to enter.
He's in the box.
Yo, what if he copters in?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Terry's just gonna jump out from the box,
with the element of surprise being
that he was here the whole time.
[all cheer and clap]
- Woo!
- Ya!
He didn't even get ta-da right.
Hear ye, hear ye.
I called you today as I haveth
a giant annoucement-eth.
As we know, my predecessor Colin Sarner,
may he rest in power, was a total dipshit.
He ran Davenport Rakes into the ground.
We've got, like, 50,000 rakes
just sittin' in the warehouse
sucking their own tits.
- [both gasp]
- If we don't sell them, this company's fooked.
[interstitial piano music]
Come on, Pim!
No breaking the fourth wall.
We can't afford to pay Krasinski
the spoof royalties.
But I have a plan to save us all.
We are gonna get the Wooden City contract!
- Alright.
- So exciting.
The Wooden City is
the most raked city in the world.
Everybody who lives there
is all trees and shit.
All I have to do is charm
their comptroller,
the man who makes all the big decisions,
and fuckin' boom,
Davenport Rakes becomes
the city's exclusive rake provider.
- Ooh.
- Now look, this is a work trip, people.
I'll need a trusted team
to come with, mi familia.
Pim, Jam, Janice, and Korvo.
- Can you get us Chinese food?
- What?
I'm not getting lunch.
Yeah, that's probably a good call.
You only ordered wonton soup last time.
Doug, can you get us some Chinese food?
- Yes!
- I call a vote to remove Doug.
All in favor?
You can't remove Doug, bro,
he's getting us lunch.
Doug, Doug.
ALL: Doug, Doug,
Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug.
Planet Shlorp was the perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their
replicants were issued a Pupa,
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name is Korvo.
This is my show.
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
It's disgusting how they treat bananas.
They just strip their peels
and throw them away.
That's the banana's house,
you assholes!
[dramatic music]
Being grounded sucks.
We don't deserve this.
Well, we ruined the school dance
by smashing someone with logs
and then put tiny penises
all over one of the Staci's bodies.
Yeah, but I'm bored, which is way worse.
Oh, I know what we can do!
Let's listen to the latest
Daft Trunk album again!
- Aah!
- This shit's fire, this shit is fire ♪
I hate Daft Trunk.
They're just the Wooden City knock-off
of The Chemical Brothers.
Just take me to the Wooden City, Terry.
Take me, take me.
Korvo, this is a high-level
professional business trip.
Essential personnel only.
You're taking fucking Janice.
She gets three ear infections a year
from holding her nose when she sneezes.
She scored very high
on her peer reviews,
and she said her only weakness
is Cheesecake Factory cheesecake.
That's so likable.
Ooh, Wooden City!
Can I go?
Daft Trunk is doing a super-secret
album-release party this week.
Oh, cool, so you can meet up
with their other fan?
Obviously not, you're grounded.
But they're my favorite band
of all time.
They're my Harry Styles.
Sorry, Jesse,
we have to stay normal,
so the Pupa doesn't turn into steam again.
That's why Terry and I have
to keep these jobs
and you have to be punished.
Don't make me say pwease.
J-friend, you're naturally turning to me
because I have giant boss energy.
I get it.
But I'm an adult, and my word
is my bond. You're grounded.
[cheery music playing] Oh, that's my
Fraggle Rock -themed Hummer limo.
I made the driver dress up
like a Doozer. Bye!
[door thuds]
Shitty-shit-shit, Excel.
Damn your shitty VLOOKUPs
and rudimentary rectangular cells.
Hey, big Korvy.
You like Mars bars, dude?
Our proximity does not make
us friends, leave me alone.
How about Milky Way?
Of course, I like Milky Way bars.
They happen to taste exactly like
the background radiation
from the actual Milky Way.
Outside the US,
the Milky Way recipe is a Mars bar.
Jesus Christ, Doug,
enough with the candy trivia.
Every fucking conversation,
you contort back to candy.
If I hear another goddamn candy fact,
I'm gonna hurt you.
Alright, yeah, got it, huh.
[keyboard keys clicking]
You know the nougat is
[gun booms]
[phone rings]
Yo, put Doug on.
The man who was once Doug
is now a stapler.
Korvs, you can't turn my employees
into office supplies.
How was I supposed to know that?
I've never done it before.
This was my first one.
I needed Doug for a specific
Doug-task only Doug can do.
He's the Doug dog.
What? I love specificity.
Ehh, I doubt it, but fine.
Go to my house and get the Pupa.
Why the hell did you think
I couldn't do that?
It's my house and my Pupa.
Eh, it just felt like a Doug gig.
The Pupa's a very important part
of my presentation
to the comptroller.
I need him A-S-A-Piss.
Is that what you think the P stands for?
[scoreboard beeps]
PUPA: Swish!
Nice shot, nothing but net.
Would you stop playing Pupa-shot?
He's not an arcade game, for fuck's sake.
Why aren't you at work?
I have to bring the Pupa
to the Wooden City.
Terry's already screwing up
his presentation
for the comptroller.
Ooh, comptroller is
the second-fanciest political job
right after procurement clerk.
Get your balls
out of the Pupa while I change.
This is our chance
to sneak out to the Wooden City
and see Daft Trunk.
Nah-uh, we gotta be normal.
What's more normal than sneaking out
while you're grounded?
Plus, there will be a lot
of Wooden City street food.
Ooh, Shrub-Ka-Bobs! Okay, I'm sold.
Now we just gotta figure out
a way to sneak out of here,
so Korvo doesn't see us.
[scoreboard buzzes]
PUPA: Three-pointer!
[upbeat music]
[Jesse and Yumyulack giggle]
- JESSE: Shut up!
- YUMYULACK: You shut up!

[pedestrian thuds]
Don't exercise in the daytime!
- Fuck you!
- Fuck me?
Fuck you,
you stupid wooden piece of shit.
[Pupa barfs]
Thanks, Pupes.
Why am I even paying for Hulu insurance
if it doesn't cover me
for zoning out behind the wheel?
I'm switching to Disney+ insurance.
What do you mean it's the same company?
How does that make any sense?
Put me on with Ramy.
I demand to talk to Ramy.
[dramatic music]
Alright, listen up.
This is how we get into Daft Trunk's
VIP album-release party.
Two tacos el pa-STONE,
and do you have any fa-LEAF-el pockets?
The only way to get
into the concert tonight,
is with a Golden Beet.
Daft Trunk hid them around the city
and put clues in their music.
It's like a scavenger hunt.
This shit's fire, this shit is fire ♪
- It's so lit ♪
- This isn't music.
Fire, burn.
They're singing about
the Great Fire Memorial site.
The fire we started back in the day?
Why, it was good,
but I don't know if I'd call it great.
Wait, I want some barbecue-pulled bark.
[knocking on door]
- [door clicks]
- Thanks, Doug.
You know I'm not Doug.
Mm. Mm. Hmm!
[keys jingling]
[gun booms]
[dramatic music]
This is how you're prepping
for the biggest presentation
of your career?
With a vanity ice luge?
Pff, this doesn't even look like you.
Your luge trough isn't anywhere
near this narrow.
Alright, here we go.
Why did you even need the Pupa?
I don't like him exposed
to all this stupidity.
Next thing you know,
he'll be rooting for the Astros
and chugging Five Loko.
His faccia unlocks my briefcase.
[faccia beeps]
- [briefcase clicks]
- What the hell?
Woodchuck E. Trees tokens?
I'm gonna take the comptroller
to Woodchuck E. Trees
and show him a good time
so that we can close this deal.
That's a casino for children!
Comptroller is a professional.
He needs to be wined and dined
with adult business-y things,
like 50-year-old bottles of Scotch
and discussions about the economy.
We're gonna play Skee-Ball
and talk about my new invention,
the Earth Rake.
[dramatic music]
All rakes rake the Earth.
You're going to tank the company.
Okay, I'm gonna go ahead
and pull rake rank on you
and send you back to the office.
Your energy's really bringing
my shit down.
I just drove three hours
so you could open a briefcase.
Your boss hath spoken!

We take a moment of silence
to honor those that we lost
in the Great Fire.
If you listen closely,
you can hear the dead speaking to us,
perhaps giving us hope
for what awaits on the other side.
JESSE: There's nothing fucking here.
[all gasp]
[water splashes]
Ugh, I hate touching
people's failed wet wishes.
[water sloshes]
We have to be missing something.
Burn burn burn, behind the Alba Rock.
We need to find
a Jessica Alba-shaped rock.
Shit, I know there aren't two aliens
in my town right now.
Nah-uh, son.
Oh, sorry, bullies, we're just
Go back where you came from.
Wood City for wood citizens.
Build the wall!
Focus your message already.
[kids giggling]
JESSE: [gasps]
No, they took the Beet!
Hey, do you think if we smashed
their heads together,
they'd look better?
Hey, stumps!
Leave them alone.
Don't make me show you
my Timothée Chalamet moves.
Whatever, Pinecone.
Just doing our civic duty.
[bullies spit]
You two should not be wandering
around the city alone.
We were just looking for Hot Beets.
[gasps] For the Daft Trunk
VIP release party?
Me too, I'm obsessed.
- Trunk buddies.
- Gross.
According to their Stick Tok,
there are only a few Beets left.
Maybe we team up and find them together?
I know this city like the back of my cone,
and I have a motorcycle.
Wow, a way to get somewhere
that's less safe than a car?
[engine sputtering]
[Yumyulack groans]
[engine revving]
I need you to chill here
and be the most entertained
you've ever been.
I know you love the Seven Wonders
of the Ancient World,
so here's a pop-it shaped like
the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus.
Hey, Janice, you big dummy.
Do a shot from my floppy slot.
Class of 2023 forever!
[liquid sloshing]
What the fuck are you doing back?
Terry, you keep bossing me around,
and it's extremely sexy.
I wanna do fun, kinky
hotel stuff with you
and destroy a bed
we'll never have to see again.
Uh, uh, phew, we need the room.
Janice, clear my schedule
for the next 15, no, 16 minutes.
Actually, wait, 15, 15 was right.
[Terry claps]
[gentle music]
[both moaning]
So, you like it when I'm the boss, huh?
It makes me want to lick
your spacious teeth
and tie these delicate wrists down.
[handcuffs clicking]
Oh, shit, that's so tight
on my fragile wrists.
Oh, hey, where are you going?
Oh, fuck,
are you Gerald's Gaming me?
You're the one who taught me to use
mid-tier Stephen King plots to get my way.
But why?
You said I was the sexy boss.
I can't let you tank
the Wooden City contract.
The stakes are way too high.
Korvo, don't Gerald's Game me, wait!
I fell asleep in that movie,
and I don't know how it ends.
Nothing like swingin' the old golf ball
after a week of comptrolling, am I right?
[golf ball whooshes]
What happened to that Terry fellow?
He was gonna show me an Earth Rake.
Look, I can tell you're disappointed,
or maybe you just have
a resting birch face,
but I'm prepared to play
the most boring round of golf,
just to show you
how serious Davenport Rakes is
about getting your business.
Wanna make this interesting?
I'll bet you a thousand bucks
you can't make your shot behind that tree.
I have a name. It's Chris Pine.
Uh, sure, if you need me
to impress you, I-I-I can sink that.
[suspenseful music]
[thoughts buzzing]
[golf ball thuds]
- [golf ball rattles]
- Holy Shiv Roy.
Okay, double or nothing.
[water splashes]
[upbeat music]
[golf ball rattles]
Ugh, triple or nothing.
Quadruple or nothing.
[golf ball whooshes]
Duo-nipple or nothing.
[golf ball rattling]
We had a similar game on the home world,
except if you lost,
your eyeballs were used
on the driving ranges.
I used to have a third eye in my armpit.
[golf ball whooshes]
[suspenseful music]
[telephone thuds]
Front desk.
Help, I've been Gerald's Gamed.
If we sent help to everyone
who was being Gerald's Gamed,
we'd have no time to sniff your boxers.
I'm a major Rake Executive
at a Fortune five billion company.
[door thuds]
[pants] Sorry the elevator is out,
so I had to take the stairs,
and I forgot to take my heart meds.
[heavy breathing]
But luckily, I was able eat
this Philly Treesteak
on the way up.
[treesteak crunches]
Not loving this pattern.
Let me just
[employee thuds]
Okay, now this is
exactly like the poster
from Gerald's Game.
I don't understand
why the Beet wasn't in there.
The lyrics were,
"Bigger, faster, stronger.
Bigger, faster, Apple store stronger."
Oh, shit!
Hey, yo, stop that.
I just built that apple tower, come on!
Hang on.
The apple store lyrics are
from the song Take A Bite.
What if
[apple crunches]
- Mm-hmm.
- Good idea, the girl.
Nut up and take a bite, bitch.
- [apple crunches]
- Gonna have to pay for that.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
The Beet!
And there's a map
to the venue on the back.
Wow, great work kid.
Come on, let's jump on the old chopper.
I know a shortcut.
[dramatic music]
Now, drop that Beet.
Pinecone, what are you doing?
This VIP pass can admit all of us.
I don't give a shit about that.
I fucking hate Daft Trunk.
I'm not even a lovable pinecone.
[Pinecone grunts]
- You're a rotten peach.
- Ew!
You're damn right, I am.
Now gimme that Beet.
But why?
I needed gas money
for my trip to Atlanta,
because this thing only gets
five mpg on the highway
because of the sidecar,
which I only have
because my girlfriend
is going to sit in it
when I pick her up.
I gotta see my girlfriend A-S-A-Piss,
because she's stuck with
a couple of male roommates
who give her massages all the time.
Aww, she must be so stressed out.
Oh, buddy, I don't think
she's your girlfriend anymore.
Shut the fuck up!
That's what everyone always says.
No one ever accepted me
in this shitty town
because peaches aren't native
to the woods.
I was a lonely peach,
left as trash from a tiki drink,
when this entire city was created.
I never really fit in.
My whole life has been
proving my worth to everyone.
So I'm gettin' outta here
and meeting up with my girlfriend
in Atlanta, Georgia.
And when I show up,
it's gonna be a big surprise
to my girlfriend,
because she's not
returning my calls right now.
I'm sure her phone is probably broken.
One of her muscular, platonic friends
probably stepped on it.
Gimme that shit
and don't you dare follow me.
[bike sputtering]
You're pussies.
- [bike revving]
- Can you believe that?
No, those guys are definitely
nailing his girlfriend.
I-I need you
to send someone else.
You keep sending a bunch
of silly gooses
who all end up dying on me
by tripping and heart-attacking
and peanut-allerging.
[floor creaks]
[Terry screams]
You're being Gerald's Gamed too?
Ah, we're Bachman buddies.
[suspenseful music]
Oh God, I gotta win my money back.
Let's bet on something else.
How about we shift gears,
forget about the fact
that you owe me $250K,
and talk about Davenport Rakes?
I can't focus on a fucking
landscaping presentation
until I win my money back.
Ooh, the spicy owl wing challenge.
If I beat it, I don't owe you shit,
but if I lose,
I'll listen to your presentation.
Sir, those are extremely spicy
and you might die,
but I'd be an idiot not to take that bet.
You're on.
[owl wing whooshes]
[heaves, groans]
[tapping on window]
You took advantage
of my obsession
with fucking
in a fun vacation setting.
[Terry screams]
[bedpost smashes]
This is something I should
have done a long time ago.
[rake clanks]
Or at the very least, like,
a few hours ago,
and we would've avoided all of this.
[dramatic music]
Rake fight!
[rakes clanging]
[Korvo and Terry grunting]
[both panting, grunting]
[rakes clank]
[bystander screams]
[Terry thuds]
This is exactly why you
could never be a real boss.
Real leadership takes embracing
boring, grown-up stuff.
It's more than just parties
with ice sculptures,
and coming up with dumb inventions.
[gasps] That's it, my Earth Rake.
[satellite beeps]
[door whirring]
[rake booms]
[rake whooshes]
Oh, fuck!
[dramatic music]

[women scream]
Ooh, very clean, they did a nice job.
[ground rumbling]
[Korvo screams]
Why does a town even need
this much honey?
Shit damn, this is delicious!
Aw, I've loved Daft Trunk
since I discovered them on SNL.
And now I'll probably never meet them.
Why don't we just break in
to the party Ocean's 8 style,
the only Ocean movie I recognize?
We don't know where it is.
The map was on the back of the Beet.
That rotten peach took my stuff.
We'll never find another clue.
We'd have to know
all their amazing lyrics by heart.
Wait a minute.
I know all the lyrics
to every Daft Trunk song ever made,
because I, Yumyulack Opposites,
am a huge Daft Trunk fan.
But why did you pretend to hate
the raddest band of all time?
I have an anarchist reputation
to protect, yo.
Anyway, there are some lyrics
that I've been thinking about
that might help us.
Party in the sky, party like
you're dying of pink eye ♪
I don't even remember that song.
I paid $10,000 for
a bonus track they made
for a friend who died
of pink eye.
Bless up.
Wow, Yum, you are a real fan.
"Party in the sk "
[people screaming]
This is all your fault.
Oh, I unleashed a space rake
that hit a giant beehive tower
that flooded us in honey?
None of this would've happened
if you just believed in me.
You were gonna take the comptroller
to Woodchuck E. Trees.
I did my research.
That comptroller is a degenerate gambler.
Woodchuck E Trees is basically
just a very winnable casino.
Oh, my God, you're right.
All day, he was just trying to win.
Terry, I'm sorry.
I should've believed in you.
From now on, I see you as a leader.
And we're equal leaders,
you at work, and me at home.
[honey bubbling]
Oh God, w-w-we're sinking.
We only have time for one call
before we're totally dipped.
- Give it to me.
- No fucking way.
Believe in me as a leader.
[keypad beeping]
Hello, Leaf Malnati's Pizza.
Goddamn it, Terry,
why would you order a pizza?
MAN: Hello, I got a lot
of customers, man. Hello?
Can I get a large pepperoni
with garlic, green peppers
artichoke hearts and
fresh tomatoes, please?
[dramatic music]
- [Terry coughs]
- Got your pie, man.
Tracked your phone to your location.
That'll be 27 bucks.
[Terry and Korvo coughing]
Uh, it tastes so good though.
How did you know that would work?
If they don't complete a delivery,
it comes out of their paycheck.
They get placed faster
than emergency services.
I'm, I'm impressed, Terry.
[clears throat]
Yeah, I don't have any cash on me.
Korvo, can you pay the man?
[Korvo sighs]
Did you really need to order
the most expensive toppings
for a rescue pizza?
Boo, once you have pizza
with artichokes,
you will never fuck
with choke-less again.
[dramatic music]

We're gonna have to sneak in
through that "Winnie The Pooh" hole.
I'll climb on your shoulders
to get in there,
then I'll open the side door
and you can come in.
Wait, why don't I climb
on your shoulders?
Because you're stronger than me
from carrying all the character work.
I'm just a cipher.
Yeah, your stories are pretty thin.
Alright, get your
two-dimensional ass up there.
[Yumyulack screams]
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God,
I'm a huge fan.
I bought every one of your albums.
Can you sign something for me?
My bounty belt?
No, my face!
Oh, the bullies from earlier?
Look, it's that alien trash.
I thought we blocked your sorry ass
so you couldn't find any Beets.
Yet here you are,
crawling around like a wormy bitch
where you're not wanted.
This is just like your second album,
Never Meet Your Heroes,
Because They Turn Out to be Bullies.
I think he wants
an autograph on his face.
[punches and kicks thudding]
[Yumyulack screaming]
Yay, let's go!
Whoa, what happened?
Jesse, there's something
you should know.
I met Daft Trunk.
Shut your face, shut it.
Oh, my God, open your face
and tell me what they were like.
They were
[pensive music]
amazing, like,
better than you could imagine.
I frigging knew it.
Oh gosh, I gotta get in there.
How do I look?
You just missed them.
I saw them on their way out.
They think they're doing
the Smartless podcast in the morning,
so, party's over.
Oh, geez.
But I did get you one of their helmets.
Ah, no way.
Get outta here!
Being grounded with you is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
[Yumyulack sighs]
- [all cheering]
- Seven wings.
I did it, I ate all seven.
Korvo [groans]
I'm so happy right now,
I'll say yes to anything
you have to pitch.
I would love to close this deal,
but this win belongs to Terry.
He's the real boss of our company
and deserves all of the credit.
Thank you, Korvo.
- Mr. Comptroller, I quit.
- What?
I can just be an equal boss at home.
[comptroller groaning]
Zero commute time and no Doug.
[comptroller thuds]
But home is my castle.
Plus, you gotta keep this job
or the Pupa will turn into steam again.
As the Pupa specialist,
let me say, he's fucking fine.
We just had a whole sci-fi rake fight
in a Wooden City,
and the Pupa hasn't done anything crazy.
Wait, where is he?
- Ah!
- Ah, he's dead!
Shit, we left him in the car
with the windows up.
Holy shit!
[Pupa gasps]
Oh, thank God, he was just sleeping.
Forgot how he looks super ugly
when he sleeps.
Fuck, that was scary.
Terry, that was our wake-up call.
We will never leave the Pupa
in the car alone again.
Oh, they have
a Displaced Aboriginal Steakhouse!
Let's get some Uluru Poppers.
[gentle music]
Damn it, Terry, I've nearly detangled
the entire wiring of the ship myself,
and you haven't done a damn thing.
And we wouldn't even be in this situation
if you had combed
leave-in conditioner
through the wires like I asked.
As an equal leader, I get an equal vote
in whether or not I work on the ship.
And my vote went to watching videos
of this hamster try to eat a watermelon.
Terry, you lazy motherf
[bass heavy music]
What is that horrible sound?
Where did she even get that stupid helmet?
I'm gonna rip you apart, alien scumnut.
Aw, Daft shrunk.
[bullies groan]
[bullies scream]
The fuck?
[ominous music]

Greetings, newcomer,
and congratulations.
Congratulations for what?
This sucks.
For being chosen by Jesse, of course.
Ha, fuck that little freak.
Do you not pledge
your heart and soul to Jesse,
our one and only savior?
She and her stupid brother are the ones
who put us in here. We hate them.
Nobody speaks of Jesse that way.
Get your hands fucking off my guy!
[sword swooshes]
GUARD: There is no room
for heathens in bowed heaven.
No, no, no, no, no.
Please, no!
[sword swooshes]
[sap splatters]
[dramatic theme music]

[mimicking laser fire]
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