Solar Opposites (2020) s04e04 Episode Script

The Pronunciation Cassette Tapes

[dramatic theme music]

Well that was another great meal
at the best hedgehog-inspired
drive-in restaurant
on the motherfucking planet.
Even I, the grouchiest shit
of the bunch,
can't resist the oversized
Texas toast grilled cheese
and a limeade.
There's nothing sexier
than a chili dog
delivered on roller skates.
And we aren't even
being paid to say this.
Sonic just fucking rules.
[dog barks]
Who's a good Benny dog?
Kevin! I thought
you were living in an apartment
by the Costco store.
Hey, Solars.
Yeah, I moved out
of Kirkland's Signature Village
because the wife
and I got back together.
Yeah, I thought I heard
some gentle humps
and wet slurps poppin'
from your bedroom window.
Oh, yeah, I've been
stirring pussy for weeks.
And it's all thanks
to Benedog Cumberwolf here.
[dog yips]
This creature has facilitated
your coitus?
He's a cockadoodle.
Half cocker spaniel,
half poodle,
specifically bred
to save marriages.
He can smell when I'm about
to disrespect my wife.
It works because
she's such a dumb bi
[dog growls]
Good boy.
You know how we've been
trying to find something
that will complete us as a family.
It's the theme of the season.
Perhaps we should get
a Costco pet like Kevin.
Isn't the Pupa a pet?
He's more toddler than pet.
Look, he's watching Saturday
morning cartoons right now
like a wee baby.
The Pupa's never licked my face,
which is something that
all good pets do to their owners.
If we get a pet,
it needs to lick my face.
Well, we can't get a dog.
They're narcs.
They work for the police.
Then we'll get the Bane
to the dog's Batman.
A cat.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
What about the whole Alf thing?
Don't aliens eat cats?
That's an offensive stereotype
perpetuated by Hollywood liberals.
The Solar Opposites
would never eat a cat.
Then let's go get
a pet cat right now.
It'll be a purr-manent part of the family.
Goddammit, we are like Alf!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name is Korvo.
This is my show.
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why do they dehydrate so easily?
Oh, you're in a bad mood
because you didn't drink
enough water?
Just sleep in a bowl of water,
you pussy.
[dramatic music]
I can't believe we ate 22 cats
and a gerbil.
Yeah, they really upsell you
on the gerbils.
We need to think of pets
we won't be tempted to eat.
So obviously nothing with fur
or cat organs.
We need something that's not so cute
that we want to eat it
but is still sorta cute
and will lick our faces.
Getting face licked
is a real priority for me.
MAN [on TV]:
Dabba yabba yabba.
[groans, laughs]
Dabba yabba yabba indeed.
Jaxson, your word
to pronounce is A-L-U-M-I-N-U-M.
Can you use it in a sentence?
No, because then
I'd be pronouncing it.
Nice fucking try.
[buzzer sounds]
Jaxson, you idiot.
That was so wrong.
Jesse, get this right
and you're going to regionals.
Your word is W-A-T-E
No points for early guessing.
But that's correct.
[Jaxson cries]
I want my mom.
Listen up, Opposites.
Regionals will be your
toughest competition yet.
You'll be up against
the winners from Philadelphia.
People from Philly famously have
the best pronunciation
in the country.
Take these.
Wait, are these cassette tapes?
I think I saw these in a museum once.
Don't they sound terrible?
Focus on the competition.
You'll do fine,
as long as your family
has your back.
And for your information,
music sounds better with the hiss
of a magnetic strip.
We will never beat
the sound of a tape.
You want me to what?
For you to make us a deeno-saur.
[Italian accent]
We wanna make-a da deeno.
[Italian accent] Make-a da deeno
with a-spicy a-sauce.
ALL: Make-a da deeno,
make-a da deeno, make-a da deeno.
make-a da deeno, make-a da deeno
make-a da deeno!
AISHA: Shut up.
Why are y'all talking in those
janky Mario Brothers accents?
'Cause it's fun.
Heaven forbid
the Solar Opposites have
a pepperoni of fun for once.
AISHA: Look, I can't just make
a living creature.
But what if you use
the Quantum Injector?
- You're just making words up now.
- The thingy we used to make Funbucket.
Yeah, that shit's canon.
Ooh, I forgot about that.
So what kinda deeno-saur
you want?
A pinch of Hanna
and a dash of Barbera.
It has to lick my face,
no exceptions.
And it should be clever
and get our jokes.
And laugh when we laugh.
And it should know
where the camera is at all times
and give occasional sly winks to it.
AISHA: Stand back and let me do
my shit, you dummies.
[computer beeping]
[machine rumbling]
[steam hissing]
Yay, deeno.
Deeno, deeno, deeno.
What the cheese and crackers
is going on here?
And who is that?
That's our new deeno.
You guys got a pet without asking me?
We assumed you'd, like,
fallen in a sewer or something
and were dealing with,
I don't know, sewer stuff.
I was competing
at the Pronunciation Bee,
which you guys said you'd come watch.
Lick Jesse's face.
Lick it, lick now.
[Deeno squawks]
Ugh. I don't have time for this.
I have to get ready for regionals.
Again, how many regions are there?
A thousand?
This deeno better not
interrupt my studying.
I'm sure the deeno will behave
in a completely different way
than the only way
we've seen him behave so far.
You see that shit?
Good boy.
Light saber.
Butt cheek.
[playful music]
Would you please keep it down?
We're doing madcap
race car driving with the deeno.
Look, we even have
our dastardly mustaches.
[tires screeching]
The deeno's getting away.
Follow him into that brand new tunnel.
[playful music continues]
How do I do the thumb thing?
Guys, come on.
A little help.
Honestly, the string
doesn't help me study,
but it does look nice.
Oh, cheese nuts.
What is it now?
We're solving
a Scooby-Doo mystery.
That park ranger said
he knew the time,
but why would he say time
unless he's in the clock
that we've
never established before.
[Korvo, Terry, Yumyulack, Deeno scream]
I suppose you're wondering
why I went through all this trouble.
Just get the fuck outta here.
One, two.
A one, two, three, four.
[rock 'n' roll music]
The Deeno and the Opposites ♪
From prehistoric times
to something space ♪
Something something
outta this world ♪
Okay, okay. Stop, stop.
Just rocking from
the heart isn't working.
We need to write some lyrics.
No! Keep rocking.
[loud music playing]
Your guys's band practice
ruined my study session
last night,
and now I really have to cram.
Where are my tapes?
KORVO: [singing]
The Deeno and the Opposites ♪
You taped over my tapes?
We had to make a demo
if we want to get a record deal
for our Deenosaur band.
Yumyulack watched the bass player
from Fall Out Boy's master class.
These tapes were
the only way I had to starky,
I mean, uh, study.
Oh, no, I'm already mispronoons
mispro mis
Jesse, you need to chill out, sit down,
and have one of these breakfast burritos
the deeno made.
Though there aren't
any chairs open now.
The deeno's sitting
where you usually do.
Also, there's no more burritos.
He only made six for
the six members of the family.
Little buddy.
Guess who forgot about you!
Let's all resume laughing.
[all laughing]
Uh-oh, Jesse's mad.
Deeno, give her another face lick.
[all laughing]
[dramatic music]
Hey, paleontologists,
you got a minute?
Oh, little girl, you must be lost.
The mummy exhibit is
in the other hall.
I'm actually looking for someone
to answer some deeno questions.
Kids usually don't care much
about dinosaurs these days.
They're all obsessed
with ancient Egypt.
"Can I TikTok this hieroglyph?"
"Can I WhatsApp this sarcophagi?"
Makes me sick.
Dinosaurs are so cool.
God, how I love these bones.
Now it's all about thirst trap selfies
with fucking Imhotep.
What can we do for you?
Well, I'm actually from Hollywood.
We're working on a story
and need to know
how could someone get rid
of an annoying deenosaur
without anyone knowing?
Mm, you could always get
another dinosaur to eat it.
That's not gonna work.
Well, the only thing
that was strong enough
to kill the dinosaurs
other than bigger dinosaurs
was the asteroid
that destroyed their world.
That is exactly what I require.
Damn, that girl can pronounce.
[dramatic music]
[intriguing music]
[noisy chewing]
Sayonara, you Jurassic fuck.
How have I let things get
so out of control
that I'm about to do a murder
on the deeno with an asteroid?
This isn't me.
I'm sorry, little guy.
The truth is, the only reason I tried
so hard with the Pronunciation Bee
is to make the family like me.
And it felt like
you were replacing me,
but you're just a friendly deeno pup.
[sighs] Enjoy your
cartoonishly large ribs.
[Jesse grunts]
Bad move, you stupid bitch.
Deeno, you can talk?
I've been able to talk this whole time,
and you were right.
I was trying to replace you
in the family.
Oh, crap.
When AISHA made me,
the Hanna was all
the sweet friendliness.
She never should've tainted it
with the malevolence of Barbera.
You've been faking being nice?
[laughs menacingly]
This plan's been
65 million years in the making.
Welcome to Earth, shit bag.
Sword time, motherfucker.
Terry, what are you doing?
I was coming to kill the deeno
because I thought he was
replacing me in the family.
What, no way, I did too.
- Die, die, die.
- JESSE: Korvo?
Now what are you doing here?
Uh, definitely not getting ready
to smash the deeno
with the holiday hammer
because I thought
he was replacing me in the family.
Hey, that's how I was feeling too.
We were all jealous
of the deeno, as a family.
That means we all love each other and
[door opens, closes]
Are you bringing Deeno
a nice bowl of chili?
What the shit, Pupa?
You little traitor.
Would you grow
some self-doubt, Pupa?
Wait a second.
It's full of broken glass.
The Pupa was trying to kill
the deeno, too.
- [all cheer]
- There we go.
It doesn't matter, you stupid twats.
I'm sick of all your alien bullshit.
Earth belongs to earthlings.
Your whole species is extinct.
We made you with alien science.
Shut up.
This time, the asteroid's
gonna help the dinosaurs
by killing you
so Little Buddy and I can have
the house all to ourselves.
You and Little Buddy have teamed up?
Yeah, buddy.
That is so fucked.
Jesse, pronounce this.
- [dog yips]
- Hey, neighbors.
Sorry to walk in your backyard
in the middle of night.
But I was wondering
[asteroid rumbling]
[explosion booms]
[all scream]
- Good boy.
- JESSE: Run!
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]

[maniacal laughter]
How does that gun even work?
Where are all these
asteroids coming from?
I was sure we were dead
after that beam turned
our space station into cigarettes,
but luckily we had one thing
we needed to stay alive.
I can't believe
we all hated the deeno.
I really thought you guys loved him.
I assumed having a pet
would bring us together,
when what we really needed
was something we all hated.
When did you guys turn on the deeno?
I knew as soon as he popped
out of the machine.
I was just waiting for my sword
to come in from West Elm.
[asteroid crashes]
[Italian accent]
So how should we stop-a da deeno?
I've got it.
Everyone hang on to your Tuts.
[engine revving]
[dramatic music]
Come out, come out,
little aliens.
My sight is based on movement,
and I wanna see you fuckers dance.
[suspenseful music]

[pebble thuds]
[gun fires]
- [all yelp]
- Oh, it's okay.
That's just part of the exhibit.
Well, this isn't.
You're trapped.
Come on, Jesse.
Little Buddy and I are
gonna turn your room
into a cigar lounge.
- No.
- What about our room?
That'll be our jerk-off zone.
I told you that space would make
a great jerk-off zone.
You say that about every room.
[gun clicking]
Looks like you're
fresh out of asteroids.
Oh, no problem.
I'll just eat you.
Nice try, but you're a herbivore.
Fuck, I'm all smart.
Terry, we're plants.
Wait, we are?
[blowing note]
[scoffs] Is that supposed to scare me?
The only reason we're here
is because I remembered
who loves deeno bones
more than anything.
Who is that?
Show yourself.
Oh. Mm, the girl is right.
We love dinosaur bones.
But they're always
so dry and fossilized.
You've got wet bones.
Stay back!
[Paleontologists hissing]
Wait, wait, stop.
I'm a living dinosaur.
Observe me.
Learn from my behaviors.
We we can work together.
If we wanted to study living things,
we would've been zoologists.
[Deeno screams]
PALEONTOLOGIST 1: Wet bones. Wet bones.
- Wet bones.
[Deeno screams]
[blood splatters]
Everyone, be cool.
Don't do anything to piss them off.
We've got this.
Oh, an Egypt exhibit.
- [Paleontologists hiss]
- Run!
I'm so proud that you took first prize.
You pronounced
the hell out of that shiz.
There it goes.
Aw, thanks, guys.
I'm just glad we were all there together.
That's what family is for.
Now let us clutch each other
in a manner
that demonstrates affection.
Hey, you can't be part of the hug.
You teamed up with the deeno.
Little Buddy?
Don't pretend like it never happened.
We know exactly what to do with you.
AISHA, prepare the cryo pod.
We're launching Little Buddy
into space.
- AISHA: The cryo pod's gone, dummy.
- KORVO: Fucking what?
Remember, you used it
to shoot that guy into space.
That whole crystal skull
vodka bullet thing?
I, I think I remember
something about that.
Crap. Well, I guess
we'll just toss Little Buddy
down the garbage disposal.
What was that guy's name?
That we shot into space?
Who cares.
We'll never see him again.
Little Buddy?
[adventurous music]

[camera clicks]
[dramatic music]
[thunder rumbling]
Looks like an incoming storm.
Time to clear out.
But what about the suspect?
What, the human?
It's been three days.
There's no way he survived
out there in the wild.
This case is closed.
[dramatic music]
Day three.
The last of the Silvercops
have left the planet.
I'm here all alone.
It's cold, I'm hungry,
and I'm already on my fourth pair
of leaf underwear.
I'm scared, and I miss you so much, baby.
I wish I was inside you right now.
I love you, Honda S2000.
I would do anything
to run my hands
over your faux leather interior
and listen to
the Fast and Furious soundtrack
while recklessly weaving
through rush hour traffic.
[stomach rumbles]
So hungry.
If only I could reach the flying fish.
What the fuck?
That looks like an evil cloud.
It is an evil cloud.
Shit, shit, shit!
Oh, this is just like that part
in Hobbs and Shaw.
Wait, no, no.
Wait, which of
the Fast and Furious movies
was the one where they
were gonna unleash the gas?
Was that Fast Five?
[dramatic music]
The fruit.
[thunder rumbles]
[ominous music]

[lightning crackling]

[soft music]

It worked.
This fruit saved my life.
Plus it tastes like
a mango slush from Sonic.
Hey, thanks for the tip, little bro.
Space monkey shit.
Night four.
Or five or ten or I don't know.
Ever since those silver fucks
tried to frame me,
the only good thing
that's happened
is realizing I can eat the alien leech
I find attached to my scrotum
every morning.
Definitely weird my first instinct
was to eat this, but [gulps]
it's worked out.
[creature squeaking]
Oh, hey there, little fella.
Nice to see some friendly faces for once.
Aren't you a bunch of little cuties.
Just when I thought
it couldn't get any worse,
I'm now missing two toes,
and hiding in a gross alien tree.
This is my rock bottom.
This is my 2 Fast 2 Furious.
[liquid splashes]
So that's what that feels like.
Doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh, shit!
[intense music]
Shit, shit, shit.
[suspenseful music]
[door creaks]
Fuck me.
This thing's a tomb.
[sky shark snarls]
[sky shark growls]
Fuck you.
I can't do this anymore.
It's too fucking much!
My watch, my car.
I just wanna get it over with and die.
Yo, bro. It's time to sack up.
Dom Toretto?
Glen, are you gonna die in here
crying like a little bitch
or you gonna go fight that creature?
There's nothing I can do.
That's a sky shark.
I'm a pathetic ground human.
Don't you remember what I learned
in Fast and Furious 13:
Race to Atlantis?
Familia, Glen.
Familia's inside you.
But also outside.
And sure,
you can forget about familia,
but familia ain't forgetting about you.
Okay, but what does any
of that mean?
Just go out there
and use a car to fight that shark.
Vroom, vroom.
[tires screeching]
Beep beep.

Fast and the Furious ♪
Ja Rule, 01 ♪
Yeah, yeah, it's our world ♪
Please believe
y'all ain't real ♪
Please believe, it's murder ♪
Come on, what's touching me? ♪
Love me or hate me, baby ♪
[Glen grunts]
[sky shark roars]
Refer to 3:36, baby ♪
That's the rule ♪
Please, player,
don't get it confused ♪
See this game that we playing,
y'all playing to lose ♪
Fuck you, sky shark.
Rule, baby ♪
I've been really outta control lately ♪
Let me hear ya say
yea-yaay yea-yaay ♪
Wild time and again
y'all swerve in my lane ♪
I'll pull up
and start popping ya brain ♪
Y'all knowin' these broads names ♪
Extravagant champagne ♪

I'm proud of you, Glen.
You got the shit kicked out of you.
But at least you tried.
Thanks, Toretto.
Y'all ain't feeling who? ♪
Y'all don't like who? ♪
Hate this planet.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic theme music]

[mimicking laser fire]
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