Somebody Somewhere (2022) s03e06 Episode Script

1
GLENNON DOYLE (ON PODCAST):
It's the same phenomenon.
I'm gonna throw myself off the cliff,
and just assume that the
person I'm gonna become after
is gonna be at the bottom of the cliff
- and is gonna catch me.
- Mm.
GLENNON: And that
there's a bunch of shit
that's gonna happen in that fall
Yeah.
GLENNON: that's gonna
change me into a different woman
by the time I catch
myself at the bottom.
- Oh, shoot.
- GLENNON: And so, you trust that
- Trust it.
- GLENNON: I don't even know if it's trust.
- But it's a ridiculous
- (TIRES SCREECH, CRASH)
- hunch.
- Oh, God!
SISTER (ON PODCAST):
It's a devil's bargain.
- No!
- SISTER: You can't stay, you can't leave
- (GROANS, EXHALES)
- so here the fuck goes.
GLENNON: You could
stay. You could though.
No, no, no, I cannot
deal with this right now.
- I cannot deal with this!
- (PODCAST CONTINUES)
- Shut up, shut up. I love you, but shut up.
- (PODCAST STOPS)
(SIGHS) No!
(WAILS)
- (JOEL GRUNTS)
- (DOOR CHIMING)
(MUFFLED) Oh, no.
Oh, what have I done?
What have I done? What have I done?
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
♪
- Hey!
- Hey.
- What? What's going on?
- Oh, nothing.
(EMOTIONAL) I just rammed my
car into a very sweet old lady.
Okay.
Oh, my God, you didn't
You didn't kill her, did you?
No, no, it was just a fender
b (GASPS) fender bender,
- but, um
- Is everything okay?
- Um
- Would some French toast for the table help?
Yeah, it would actually.
Yeah. That's worth a shot, right?
You nailed an old lady, right?
- (CRIES)
- Got a little fender bender.
- (CRYING) Yeah.
- It's okay!
- (PHONE BUZZING)
- Hold on.
Oh, my God. She's calling me.
Why is she calling me?
She said she was fine.
She hurt her fuckin' neck?
- (BUZZING STOPS)
- Hello?
Yeah.
(WEAK LAUGH)
No, I am.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Bye-bye.
Well, that, that sounded good.
Was Was that good? It was good.
She was just calling
to see if I was okay
'cause she realized she hadn't asked me
when we had the wreck.
- Oh, wow. Oh, that's
- (CRYING)
- That's nice.
- It's the nicest thing that anybody's ever done.
SAM: Joel, look!
Look, Joel! French toasty!
- You love French toasty!
- Yes, I do. I do, I do, I do, I do.
(BLOWS NOSE)
I'm sorry, that was really loud.
I'm sorry. Let's just
change the subject.
- You sure?
- Let's just change the subject.
You wanna talk about,
um, sneaky, uh, husbands?
Um
- (QUIETLY YELLS) Fred!
- (SCOFFS)
Fred Rococo.
- Not me. Not me.
- JOEL: Oh!
You are so busted.
(QUIETLY) What? I'm just
picking up a salad. No big deal.
Fred, have you been coming
here this whole time?
- No.
- Well, your secret's safe with us.
- Why don't you just sit down and join us, huh?
- Yeah.
Here? In front of this French
toast? You're killin' me!
It's a treat day. Just ignore it.
Okay, Fred. Got your
cheeseburger and fries.
- Fred!
- Fred.
What? Sometimes, I
wanna be a bad, bad boy.
- (JOEL AND SAM LAUGH)
- SAM: Oh, wow!
Oh! Oh, he Oh (LAUGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Wait. Right there?
Yeah.
SAM: Oh, Joel, that's not that bad.
- Yeah, it's not that bad, right?
- Not that bad.
Yeah, yeah. (SNIFFLES)
Are you okay to drive?
'Cause I can give you
a lift, if you want.
Would that be nice?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm okay, I'm okay.
I just got a little shook
up there, but it's okay.
Oh, I wish you could come over,
and I'd get you all
nursed back to health.
We could do, like,
'tinis, and tickle fights, and
I could do that. We could do that!
- I wanna do that.
- You can?
- You don't You don't have to ask Brad first?
- No!
- He's my boyfriend, not my mom!
- (LAUGHING)
I can do what I want!
And I wanna have a s a slumber party!
Oh, my God. Seriously, I'm so excited.
This is gonna be
(SIGHS) I don't know. I need this.
It's gonna be like old
times. I'm really excited.
(CRYING)
Joel, no! (LAUGHING) Come on!
I have not seen you like this
- since we watched "Mr. Holland's Opus" together.
- (LAUGHS)
Pull it together! Come on. (CHUCKLES)
(SOBS) I'm fine.
(SHUDDERS) I'm fine.
- You sure?
- I'm fine. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah. (GASPS)
'Cause if, if you want me to,
I'd be happy to sing just a little
bit of "Beautiful Boy" and I
- (LAUGHS) Don't you dare! You put those hands down!
- I think
- My fingers, I think I
- No!
'Cause that's the part
that fucks me up the most!
- Put 'em Put 'em down.
- (LAUGHING)
- Fucks me up, too.
- (SOBBING LAUGH)
- Oh, God.
- God, I still can't believe
Richard Dreyfuss didn't
win an Oscar for that.
Wasn't his year.
- (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
- (COWS MOOING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
TRICIA: Oh well, guess what?
I don't give a rat's ass
if you're at work, Rick!
No! Oh, no, no! What
I really wanna know is
who is the skank
that you hooked up
with this time, Rick?!
- You just go and get chlamydia?!
- (DOOR SHUTS)
And then, you just
give it to me? I mean,
who does that?!
Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no.
You do not play dumb with me!
Yes, I went to the doctor!
Yes, I got tested, you idiot!
Did you?
Me? Oh! (SCOFFS)
No! No!
There is literally no way
I could've given it to you!
It is medically impossible!
I didn't just, like, dream up chlamydia
and pull it outta the
sky and say, "Ooh, fun!
"I'm gonna give this
STD to my goddamn idiot,
- ass-eating ex-husband who "
- Gimme the phone.
- (PANTING)
- Hey Rick. Hi, it's Sam.
Yeah, you know, everybody knows
that you can't keep
your dick in your pants.
Nope, nope, nope. No, shut
the fuck up, I'm talking now.
Yeah, it was you. Yes.
So, you and your dirty dick
need to stay the fuck
away from my sister.
Do we understand? We understand.
Alright, good. Is there
anything else you wanna add?
Yeah! Yeah. J Asshole!
Okay, I think that's gonna
do it, Rick. Thank you.
Go fuck yourself.
- TRICIA (PANTING): Yeah. Ho!
- Okay!
- So, you finally called him?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? How do you feel?
- Yeah. Feel really good.
- Good?
- Yeah.
- Alright, good. You want some time?
- No, no!
- I'm fired the fuck up!
- Okay, well
- God, that felt good!
- Good!
- Now, where do you want me?
- You sit right there.
- Okay, right here.
- Are you ready?
Oh, I'm, I'm real ready.
(SIGHS)
(CALMLY) Mitch, Helen,
I am so excited to share this with you.
Welcome to Konza For A Cure.
- (SOFT CLAPPING, GIGGLES)
- Thank you.
I have a mockup of the space here.
Um, as you can see, we
have our tables out front
when guests arrive,
where they will register.
We will give them a paddle,
and we will register their phone number
for the live auction.
I'm not gonna say "register" twice.
- Love it. Killing it.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.
Um, over here, we have displays
of our live auction items,
which we're very excited about.
We have box seats to the football game,
we have two tickets to
see "Hairspray" at McCain,
and we have a
brew-your-own-beer experience
at Manhattan Brewing Company.
- I knew you'd like that one.
- That's really cool.
Now
Mitch, Helen,
I know that you didn't wanna
make this night about you,
but your story is so inspirational,
and I know that it will
resonate so deeply with people.
It will give them
something to connect with,
and hopefully inspire
them to give generously.
- Can I?
- Yeah, of course.
I mean
Wow, Trish, this is really cool.
- I didn't know you were gonna do this.
- Yeah, you like it?
SAM: I love it.
My God, she beat cancer three times.
Yeah, I know.
She's such a fighter.
And he loves her so much, it's crazy.
Yeah.
Anyway, so that's that's most of it.
Wow. I mean,
- you are so good at this shit, Tricia.
- (TRICIA GIGGLING)
Well, I just wanna make them a
ton of money that night, you know?
I learned so much doing this.
Like, they are doing incredible research
for cancer up at K State.
I didn't even know they
were doing that, did you?
- No, I had no idea.
- I know! And I just
I just wanna, like, back a truck up
with stacks of money for them, you know?
No family should have to go
Well, I mean, you know.
Yeah.
Mm
(SIGHS)
What if (SIGHS)
- What if what?
- Well
What if you did, like, "$10
for a Cure" at a football game?
I mean, you could throw up, like, a,
a number on the big screen
that people could text and donate.
You know, they just text the number,
donate 10 bucks, boom, done, you know?
I don't know, I mean
But, if there were 50,000 people there,
and even a quarter donated something,
you could
- It's kind of a lot of money.
- Damn.
I mean, that's good.
That's That's really good.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Alright. (CLAPS)
P-Put your hand here.
- My hand?
- Put your Get y Yeah, put it right here.
And on the count of three,
we're gonna go one, two, three,
manifest!
- (LAUGHING) Okay.
- But you gotta say it like that.
- (DEEP VOICE) Manifest!
- Okay.
(NORMAL) One, two, three.
- BOTH (DEEP VOICE): Manifest!
- (GIGGLING)
(NORMAL) Okay, that never happened.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Alright, well, I gotta get outta here.
You You're gonna be great!
No, no! No, no, I want you to stay.
No, no. I don't do rich
people. That's not my thing.
Sam, he's not like
rich people. I promise.
Tricia, they can't help themselves.
No! Sam, I'm nervous.
I want you to stay.
Sorry, I gotta I got
something I gotta do.
(SCOFFS) What do You
have to do something, really?
- Yeah, I got something I gotta do.
- Is it Iceland?
- Oh God, leave me alone.
- Oh, my God, it is!
- You're seeing Iceland?
- Oh, my God, Tricia, leave me
Please tell me you're
not wearing that, please.
- What? (SCOFFS)
- Just I'm just saying, like,
put a little curl in your hair.
- Maybe, like, just
- Tricia!
- Maybe some lip gloss?
- Tricia!
Just, whatever you do,
get a good look at it beforehand.
SAM: Ugh! Sit on it!
- (DOOR SHUTS)
- (TRICIA SPUTTERS)
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
(PUTS DOWN LIP GLOSS)
- (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
(SNIFFLES) Jesus.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
- (BED RATTLES)
- (SIGHS)
(BLOWS NOSE)
(SNIFFLES, SIGHS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(SIGHS) Jesus, keep it together.
♪
(MUTTERS, SNIFFS)
(SIGHS) Of course.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFLES)
Alright.
(QUIETLY) Not a big deal.
Not a big deal.
(TRUCK RATTLING, SQUEAKING)
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
(SNIFFLES)
(INNER DOOR OPENS)
- Hi! (CHUCKLES)
- (OUTER DOOR CREAKS)
- Hey.
- Hi. Um
sorry I'm a little late,
I was (CLEARS THROAT)
I had a frash a fashion emergency.
- (GIGGLES)
- Oh. I like the shirt.
Oh. Thanks, I'm
Yeah, I thought I'd try something new.
It works.
You look really nice.
- Sorry?
- I said you look really nice.
Oh. Thank you. Uh, um
Thanks.
Where's, um, Wesley? I
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
He's like my emotional
support animal, I think.
- Well, he's mine, too.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Uh, he's sleeping. Um
- Oh, okay.
- You want me to call him?
Nah, it's okay.
I'll call him. Wesley! (CLICKING TONGUE)
- (SPEAKING ICELANDIC)
- Hey!
- (LAUGHING) Hi! Hi!
- (ICELAND LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- Good boy!
- ICELAND: Yeah.
I think he's just as
nervous as I am. (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Um
Uh, do you want, uh,
wanna go for a walk?
Yeah. Sure.
Okay. I'll, um,
- get my coat.
- Okay.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (SAM LAUGHS)
- (WESLEY PANTING)
(ICELAND LAUGHS)
(WESLEY PANTING)
- So, um, how are the chickens doing?
- (ICELAND INHALES)
Uh, they're good. Um,
put some toys in there.
- They get bored, they start fighting.
- (LAUGHS)
Chickens. They're just like us.
(AWKWARD LAUGH)
I, um, built some beds over there.
Brussels sprouts, broccoli
Um, rutabagas.
I had some mustard greens there,
but the, the deer got them.
Aw, yeah. You know, my
my dad used to do this
thing where he would
string up bars of soap to keep 'em away.
I mean, I don't know if it
really did anything, but, um,
he never wanted to do anything
that would hurt 'em, so
Oh. I like that idea.
(CHUCKLES SLIGHTLY)
Yeah, and I seeded some
buckwheat over there.
English peas Sorry about that.
- (SAM LAUGHS)
- Um
Yeah, the soil needed a rest.
Soil.
It's just like us.
(CHUCKLES SLIGHTLY)
Um, do
(CALM MUSIC PLAYING)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(BREEZE RUSTLING)
Do you shoot?
Uh I gave it a try.
Oh yeah? How'd it go?
Took a minute.
Well, it's it's not
as easy as it looks.
But, um
You know, if
if you want, I could show you
You know, you basically, you
just need to find your anchor,
and then (CLICKS TONGUE) it
kinda all falls into place.
- Ah, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
Well, yeah, you Well,
I-I think we're doing great.
Yeah, I think so, too.
Um (AWKWARD LAUGH)
This is embarrassing, but I was afraid
that we weren't gonna have
anything to talk about,
so I made a list.
- You made a list?
- Yeah, I made a list. (LAUGHS)
- Well, can I see it?
- No, no.
(LAUGHS) Oh, please?
- Oh, it's really bad.
- It can't be that bad.
It's not a good list!
Let me see it. Please.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)
- "Dogs."
- Okay, you don't have to read it out loud.
- No, I wanna answer all your questions about me.
- Okay.
"Have you always had
dogs?" Well, mostly.
I did raise a dairy calf one year.
Only did that once because it just
it broke my heart
when I had to sell her.
Hm. What was her name?
Audbjorg.
(STIFLED LAUGH)
Um, you're making that up, right?
I am not.
- I'm sorry.
- Why would you laugh?
- That's really hurtful.
- I mean, hope-hopefully (LAUGHING)
hopefully, she had a nickname.
I mean, what cow's gonna come running
when they hear that?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Audbjorg!
- (LAUGHING)
Finally, you laugh at one of my jokes.
(LAUGHING)
I don't like how you
always put yourself down.
(MOUTHING)
So, what other questions do you have?
(SIGHS) This is humiliating.
"What's Iceland like?" Um
It is quite cold.
Very dark in winter.
- Very bright in summer.
- Hm.
Really beautiful.
Okay, you don't have to keep
doing this if you don't want to.
- No, I'm having fun.
- Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)
"Favorite music." Um, that's easy.
Classical. Um
Wagner or, uh, Debussy.
Well, if you don't like "Clair de lune,"
you're an asshole, right?
- Exactly.
- (SAM LAUGHS)
- Can you just gimme that back?
- (PAPER CRINKLES)
Because we're not gonna have
anything left to talk about, so
(SIGHS)
- Oh shit. Um
- (SOFTLY) No.
- I should have asked.
- It's okay.
- N-No, I'm sorry. I
- No, it's not you.
- Um
- Uh
Oh, God. Oh, God. Um
Uh, you know what? I think I'm gonna go.
- No. But, um
- No, I'm
- Don't go, please. Um
- I wanna Um
(SIGHS) Oh boy.
I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm
- Let's j Let's j
- You d You did
You didn't do anything wrong.
Let's just walk. Uh
Let's see what happens.
(SIGHS)
I don't know, maybe I don't have, um
Maybe I don't have the emotional
infrastructure for this.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(SNIFFLES)
Okay.
(SIGHS)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
JOEL: Then he said,
"Throw it," so I did!
- (SAM LAUGHING)
- And it bounced off the ground,
- and it just smacked him right in the eyes! (LAUGHING)
- SAM: You know what?
- Not your business, not your problem.
- Not my b
It's called Catch Club.
- It's called Catch it!
- Catch it!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Wait, how long are we supposed
to leave these on our feet?
'Cause mine feel like
they're going numb.
You know what? I
Now that you mention it,
- I think mine are numb, too.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Is that bad? I thought
that was part of it.
- Oh, God, is it? I don't know.
- I don't know.
I feel like we should take them off.
Yeah, you're probably right.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
As much as I like not feeling.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Sam!
- (PLASTIC CRINKLING)
And then, now what happens?
Well,
first
First, it's gonna be horrifying,
- and then, it's gonna be disgusting.
- (LAUGHS)
And then, we're gonna have
the babiest, softest
feet you ever did see.
- And the numbness?
- Unclear.
(LAUGHS) Okay, great. That's awesome.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Cheers.
- Cheers to numb feet.
- Cheers to numb feet.
- Mm. (CHUCKLES)
Mm
- (SAM SIGHING)
- (SOFT LAUGHING)
Okay, so, um (SIGHS)
Are w Um
Are we allowed to talk about it yet?
- Yeah.
- Should I just ?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So, I know that you've
made your peace with it,
but does what's going on have
anything to do with having kids?
(GASPS) Okay, okay.
Because I was worried
that it might have something to
do with, like, God or religion.
- I'm a little out of my depth.
- (SOBS)
Oh, God! Okay, I'm, I'm
warmer. Okay, I'm Okay.
- (JOEL SOBBING)
- (SAM SIGHS)
I don't know (GASPS)
(CRYING LAUGH) Sorry.
- No!
- I'm sorry. (CRYING LAUGH)
(SOBS) It's just that
things are really good.
Things with Brad are really
good. I have good friends.
I have you.
(CRYING LAUGH)
Things in my life are wonderful. Why
isn't that enough?
Well, what's wrong with
wanting a little bit more?
I don't think there's
anything wrong with that, Joel.
(GASPS) I don't know what to do.
(SIGHS)
Well
You know, maybe, um
maybe you could go talk to Pastor Deb?
No. That bridge is burned.
- Oh, I don't know about that, Joel.
- (SNIFFLES)
I mean, everything that
you've said about her, and
You know, she's
She's a good person, right?
- Yeah.
- Why don't you just
Why don't you just try
and see what happens?
You know? Just eh.
(WEAK LAUGH)
- Yeah.
- She's
You always say that those
- Jesus people are good people, right?
- (LAUGHS)
You said something
like that, I don't know.
- Jesus people are good people?
- Yeah, Jesus people,
I s I mean, I practically got
a bumper sticker that said that.
- (LAUGHING)
- And then, I didn't.
Okay. Okay, no more talking about me.
- We spent too much time talking about me. Let's talk about
- No. Come on.
- I got nothing but time! Let's keep going!
- No, no, I'm bored with it.
- I'm bored with me. I wanna hear about you.
- (LAUGHS)
Tell me about you.
What's going on with you?
(HAUGHTY) Oh, so much.
Oh, good! Give it to me.
(NORMAL) Okay.
(SIGHS)
Well, um
You know, there's
this there's this guy.
What guy?
(SIGHS) You know that
guy that rents the farm?
Oh yeah, the guy from the bar!
And he's all manly,
and he has that really,
really deep voice.
- (SAM LAUGHS)
- Okay, what's his name?
- You know, I'm not even really sure.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
It's like nothing that
anybody can pronounce.
I don't know, I just call him Iceland.
Oh. Iceland? Okay, well,
- Icelandic people are very good people.
- Is that right?
I don't know. (LAUGHING)
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Oh, fuck.
Well (SIGHS)
He, um, he asked me on a date,
and, um, I went.
And, um, he
- he kissed me.
- Oh!
- (SAM LAUGHS)
- (MUFFLED) I'm sorry!
- Okay!
- I've been wanting to tell you, I swear to God!
- It's okay! You're telling me now!
- (SIGHS)
So, how are you feeling?
(SIGHS) Not great. (WEAK LAUGH)
- Why?
- Um
- because I really like him.
- (GIGGLES)
And, you know, I'm not
I'm not really, uh
I don't really know what
I'm doing, and, you know,
it just kinda brings up a lot of stuff.
What stuff?
Um, how I feel about myself.
- Hm.
- And, um
I just keep thinking about
what if he got to know me?
(SIGHS)
(VOICE BREAKING) How could he want that?
(VOICE BREAKING) How could he not?
(EMOTIONAL SIGH)
(CRYING) I really wanna
feel that way, Joel.
(GASPS)
I re (GASPS)
I'm really trying. (SNIFFLES)
I really am. I really am!
(SNIFFLES)
It's just some of this stuff
is really hard to shake.
(SIGHS)
- I know.
- I really want to.
(SNIFFLES, SIGHS)
But why don't you just
try and see what happens?
Well
- fuck you.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
(HAUGHTY) A wise woman
once told me that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Eh, she's a dumbass bitch.
- (LAUGHING)
(NORMAL) I wanted you to be on my level.
- (LAUGHING)
- (SNIFFS)
Why don't we put on "Mr. Holland's Opus"
so we can both feel better?
- Sold!
- (SIGHS)
- Yeah.
- Don't threaten me with a good time.
I'm 'bout to,
'cause I'm gonna fuck up some donuts.
- Mm, 'ummy!
- (LAUGHS)
I don't know if I should eat these.
- I'm a little stuffed up.
- (LAUGHING)
No, this will help. I promise.
Is this that strawberry
one that I had Yes!
Oh, I never had that one.
- Me neither.
- Oh, my God.
- (LAUGHTER, CHATTER)
- ("CLAIR DE LUNE" BY CLAUDE DEBUSSY PLAYING)
- Looks like Tricia's UTI.
- (LAUGHING)
It wasn't a UTI, by the way.
- No! No!
- Chlamydia!
(LAUGHING AND CHATTERING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So stupid
("CLAIR DE LUNE" CONTINUES)
♪