Son of a Critch (2022) s03e01 Episode Script

That Was Me in Grade Nine

DICK: [RADIO] It's the first day
of school in the capital city,
so keep an eye peeled for
the youngsters on the roads.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The only
way to download a song in 1988
was to tape it off the radio.
You had to press record
at just the right moment
like Indiana Jones swapping a
bag of sand for a golden statue.
DICK: [RADIO] Here's
the Beach Boys at number one
with "Kokomo", on the mighty VOCM!
Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I wanna take ya ♪
Bermuda, Bahama,
come on, pretty mama ♪
Key Largo, Montego,
baby, why don't we go? ♪
Jamaica, up the Florida Keys ♪
Mark, honey!
Bodies in the sand ♪
Tropical drink melting
in your hand ♪
Mark's got his door locked.
Well, the boy needs his privacy.
Besides, if there was
any pornography in there,
I think I would have found it.
I don't want to think about that!
What if he knocks over
a candle or something?
He could have a seizure.
Whole house could burn down.
What are you gonna
do with that, stab him?
- I'm gonna pop the lock.
- No!
There's a better way.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every
boy dreams of rock stardom.
And then we'll take it slow ♪
That's where we wanna go ♪
Way down in Kokomo ♪

In my dreams, I got the girls.
In reality, I was a gangly teen
who had to turn up the music
to drown out the cracking
sound of his own bones growing.
I could live out my dreams
in the privacy of my room
My last year of junior high
couldn't possibly be more
embarrassing than my house.
DICK: [RADIO] That's the
Beach Boys, on the new
ADULT MARK (V.O.): My growth
spurt meant new clothes.
New year, new jacket, new me.
My brother had graduated as well
To the co-host chair
on the morning show.
You're listening to
the new VO Morning Show
with Mike and Dick.
That's right! With Dick and Mike.
One good morning, two great hosts!
One main host, and one sidekick.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): But Mike
was growing too fast for Dick.
I could take any seat I wanted,
but there was only one seat
worthy of a grade nine.
FOX: Mark!
Over here!
Grade nine means we
get the back of the bus now.
- New coat?
- Oh, yeah, it's suede.
The thinking man's leather.
Picked it out myself.
Let's just say my tailor is "tip top."
I'm finally big enough
to wear a men's small.
I've decided to focus more
on my "look" this year.
It's different.
Where's your other brother?
He dropped out.
He says school is for losers.
Well, he'd know losers.
Uh, I mean, good for him.
Best wishes in all things.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We were
the oldest on the bus.
With no natural predators left,
I was the silverback gorilla.
Or so I thought.
Is that coat your mudder's?
'Cause ya looks like an old woman, b'y.
MIDDLE FOX: Hey, frig off bullying Mark!
He's a grade nine now.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Even my
old bully respected me now.
MARK: Yeah
Frig off!
Top of the food chain.
Big mistake. I owns you now.
Critch is my bitch.

And that's the Morning
Show with Dick Dunphy.
And Mike Critch.
Stick around, the news is
up next, with Mike Critch.
I'm gutfounded.
- What's in the can?
- Don't know yet.
I buys 'em without the labels.
Eight for a dollar.
Let me give you another piece of advice.
Well, that one was so
good, so, yeah, please.
We can't have two Mike
Critches on the air.
It confuses people.
Jeez, b'y!
It confuses me!
Yes, soup!
Great job, Mike!
Two Mike Critches on the air.
You know what they calls that?
A dynasty!
Shag that. You needs a new name, b'y.
award-winning news.
Wolfman Jack?
Not his real name.
Even I uses a radio name.
Wait wait, wait, wait.
Dick Dunphy's not your real name?
It's Richard.
I'm Mike Critch.
Uh, not the Mike Critch who was just on.
That's my son, Mike Critch.
And now, the VOCM News with Mike Critch.
Cats! How many is too many?
The SPCA says 13 is the magic

Grade nine! Can you believe it?
Everyone's afraid of me now.
- Hah!
It's awesome!
Well, well, well.
Look at this sooky little baby.
Uh, I thought you dropped out.
SILVER FOX: I did. School's for suckers.
High school was too hard for him.
He was getting picked on.
Shut up!
I just wouldn't be
caught dead hanging around
a bunch'a losers, is all.
So, why are you still here, then?
I'm not.
You are.
It's called a "drop
out", not a "drop in."
What are you doing
here on school grounds?
You're not allowed here! Now, go on!
FOX: Twins. Cute.
You guys shop at the
same Salvation Army?
Uh, uh
I mean
It makes you look grown up.
Maybe too much?
MR. CHAFE: Ah, it's nice threads!
Sidewalk sale, right?
Uh, sir, I think this
is a young person's coat.
You might want to reconsider.
I wouldn't want you
to embarrass yourself.
Do you have protection?
As a Catholic, we are taught not to
It might rain later on.
The suede'll be ruined.
Oh, that stinks!
Well, that's how you
know it's working, b'y!
Yeah, okay
Get my back.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Scotchgarding
the vice principal
is not how I expected
to start my senior year.
Thank you.
BABY FOX: Nice coat, Mrs.!
Top of the food chain.
BABY FOX: Yes, now! Come on with it!
Come back and face me!
I'll cut you!
I owns you!
Bunch'a losers!

Grade nines!
Grade nines!
Where is your teacher?
STUDENT: What is she doing?
What in God's name are you doing?
Hello, children.
I am Sister Perpetua.
I'll be your grade
nine homeroom teacher.
I wanted to start the
year off in a fun way,
with a visual representation
of Christ's suffering.
Now, for the full day, I
shall carry this cross with me
as a reminder of what our lord
went through for your sins.
She seems fun.
SISTER ROSE: Yes, well.
Children, you're in good hands.
Bleeding palms and all.
Would someone help me with my cross?
Thank you, thank you.
Okay, children!
Write these down.
Now we all have
our own cross to bear.
RITCHE: How do you spell "bear"?
- What?
- Do you mean b-e-e-r?
No, I think it's b-a-r-e.
Isn't that naked?
SISTER ROSE: Children!
We don't mention nudity
and alcohol in class!
Unless, Sister, we
are referring to Noah.
"In those days Noah became a farmer,
and he made a vine-garden.
And he took of the wine of
it and was overcome by drink;
and he was uncovered in his tent "
BOTH: "And Ham, the father of Canaan,
saw his father unclothed,
and gave news of it to
his two brothers outside."
Genesis 9:20-23.
Can you read that?
Sister? Uh, may I move closer?
I can't see.
Mr. Critch.
You need glasses.
I'll write a note for your parents.
Glasses. Me? No, no.
Uh, I just think the chalk
is just a little soft.
See? That's your cross to bear.
My life flashed before my eyes.
But I couldn't make any of it out.
This is your all-request nooner.
Coming up, we're getting
physical with Olivia Newton John,
a lady so nice they named her thrice.
I'm Mike
[SPITS] Good God!
MIKE JR.: [RADIO] And you're
listening to 590 VOCM.
OPTOMETRIST: Now read the next line.
That's an E.
No no, that's a B.
- H?
- D.
E, B, D, O, T, C.
I can't cheat on this test!
MIKE SR.: These prices are mad!
Yeah, but you get the second pair free.
Does it have to be
the same prescription?
He already got glasses!
Hey, my prescription's running out!
Mark, let's pick out a frame, hm?
Glasses I only just got cool!
Oh, imagine how good
the TV's gonna look now!
And movies?
It'll be like you're right
in there with Dark Vader
and his life saver.
They're not 3D glasses, Mom.
How about these?
Too serial killer.
Ooh, these?
- Too Ghandi.
- Okay, Goldilocks.
All the Critch men wear glasses.
Mike doesn't.
He's not a Critch, though, is he?
He's a Campbell.
Mark, honey, you pick
any pair that you like.
Whatever you think suits you.
Well, maybe not those ones.
They look like they
hurt your little nose.
Can a prescription for the free pair
be somewhere in the middle of ours?
If we wanted to share the free pair?
My first day with glasses.
This was supposed to be the year I went
from ugly duckling to swan.
Time to go from grade nine Superman
to grade nine Clark Kent.
What an eye-opener!
The school was run-down
The cool kids weren't that good-looking.
I had been living a lie!
Even the smallest things seemed bigger.
Look at Jam Jars over there!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was a grade nine.
Listen to me, you little
Picking on a baby, are
ya? I'll throw rocks at ya.
- Coke bottles!
- Give it up! Aah!
He wears them in there, he'll be killed.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): He was right.
These glasses could cost me an eye.
If I wanted to be cool, I could
never wear my glasses again.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
I'm fine.
[BREATHLESSLY] Yeah, fine.
Where are your glasses?
I don't have glasses.
- I thought you got glasses.
- Stop saying "glasses"!
What the frig?
I was inspired by the
cross Mark has to bear.
And I wanted to show you
what it would be like
to be blind for the day.
Now, even as I lose one sense,
my other senses become heightened.
In the darkness, can you see the light?
RITCHE: Uh, Sister?
Whoever's talking, I can hear you!
Uh, I
"Then will the eyes
of the blind be opened."
Isaiah 35:5.
Sister Perpetua!
Where in God's name are your students?
But I heard them!
One more mistake and I'll nail
you to your cross, Sister!
Now, go find them.
Yes, Sister.
Sorry, Sister.
Children? Ready or not
And Mr. Critch?
Where are your eye-glasses?
Uh, I
I don't have glasses, Sister.
She didn't need glasses
to see I was up to something.
And why is that, Mr. Critch?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Maybe I
should just tell her the truth.
Maybe Sister Rose would understand.
Oh, who was I kidding?
Dad Dad said, um, that
We couldn't afford them.
What the hell was I saying?
Very well.
If Sister Perpetua cannot
ensure you have what you need,
I shall do so myself.
I didn't need glasses to see
that something bad was about to happen.
At home, I loved my glasses.
I always thought we had a crappy TV,
but the reception's actually quite good!
Hey, Buddy Holly, right?
Hey, Dad.
Guess what?
I took a radio name.
I'm Mike Campbell now.
Are you that embarrassed of me?
At least with my glasses,
I'd have a clear view of the show.
Your father's a bit upset.
Turned his back on his family.
He's insulted his father.
- When's supper?
- Oh, will you shut it?
MARK: Pop, Mike changed
his name, to "Campbell."
Oh. Was Mike "Boy-ar-dee" taken?
MIKE SR.: What kind of person
gives up their surname, hm?
Well, I gave up mine to marry you.
That's different!
Everybody thinks I've got a free pass
just 'cause of who my old man is!
Well, I'm sorry for giving
you an opportunity I never had!
What's that supposed to mean?
Dad, I gotta be me.
- And who the hell is that?
- I don't know, okay?
But I'm not gonna find out if
I keep living in your shadow!
I just need to know if
I'm any good on my own.
Oh, don't be so foolish.
You're the best I've ever seen!

POP: Oh, Jesus.
I think I'll change my name.
Oh, Mike.
And Mike.
My Mikes!
Who the frig's at the door?
Mark! Get that, hm?
Hello, Mr. Critch.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A nun at the house?
I'd never seen one in the wild!
I was just going to drop off a hamper
for your family in their time of need,
but I see that your
fortunes have changed.
I think we can both see
things more clearly now.
I can explain. I I only just
Oh, Sister Rose! What a surprise!
Are you coming in?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Don't invite her in!
Everyone knows that
Dracula has to be invited!
Oh, no.
I just wanted to check
on Mark's glasses.
- Oh!
- No troubles?
No, he loves them.
Is that for us?
POP: Well, well, well!
What's in the basket,
Little Blue Riding Hood?
What luscious big lips you've got!
You'll see me, uh, tomorrow, Mr. Critch.
And I will be watching you.
What in the flying
friggity-frig was that all about?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Like it or not,
you have to learn to
embrace the new you.
You'll never see everything.
If you so much as
looks at him funny again,
I'll kick you in the arse so hard,
my shoelaces will be
coming out your nose.

FOX: You're wearing them!
I wanna try 'em on.
Oh uh they're a medical aid!
Whoa, I can see your bones!
Yeah, I know I'm a nerd.
I was just foolin'.
Come on, put 'em on for me.

I think they look
So I guess I need
glasses now, too, huh?
You're a girl?
Shut it!
I mean
ADULT MARK (V.O.): If only
they made glasses that let us
see ourselves the way others do.
When we accept who we are,
the way forward has a way
of coming into focus
So we can see the writing on the wall.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): So we can see things
from another perspective.
And we can see people
for who they really are.
And that's the news!
Stay tuned for the top
ten at ten, with Mike
And Mike Critch will be back
with more news on the hour.
The Beach Boys have fallen
from the top spot this week
into third, with "Kokomo"

ADULT MARK (V.O.):And besides,
all the truly beautiful things in life
are invisible anyway.

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