Son of a Critch (2022) s03e03 Episode Script

You're Full of It

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every morning
started with a stand-off.

Pop's bladder was like a leaky faucet.
Don't you dare.
I'll only be a minute.
I'm 80.
I might not have a minute!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I, too, had
the bladder of an 80-year-old
but luckily, I had the
legs of a man in his 40s.
I'm sorry it came to this.
POP: Hey!
- Oh, yeah
- No, hey, hey!
This is an emergency!
What's all the racket?
Mike stole the bathroom!
I'm not above using the kitchen sink.
- Get out of it!
MARK: Hey!
- Toilet's not flushing.
- What?
Did you jiggle the handle?
Yeah, 'course.
Then what's he doing in there?
Toilet's busted.
- Then why'd you go?
- Oh, why don't you go?
Oh, no, ya don't!
I've gotta have a look.
I need to go!
I just gotta jiggle the handle.
Well, that's strange.
Did you break the toilet?
No, I didn't break it. I'm fixing it!
- Did you jiggle the handle?
- Can I have some privacy?
Get dressed. You can go at school.
I have human rights! This is ridiculous.
MARY: Septic tank might be full.
Do you want me to call my father?
No, no, no. I get insulted
enough by my own father.
Okay, then I'll call a plumber.
No, wait, wait, don't do that.
You can call him, but tell him
I already jiggled the handle,
so it's not that.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Every bump and jiggle
threatened to make my legs cry.
Give it up! You need to read
that before we get to school.
Frig off! You're not my mudder!
Well, since Dad's frigged off
and Mom's working two jobs, I am.
Do you mind?
I'm dealing with a personal issue.
FOX: Come on, open it up.
Now read that for me.
A moose! Luh!
FOX: Great job.
Mom's s'posed to sign that, luh.
This says that if you
mess up one more time
you'll be suspended!
I know! Wicked, what?
Me brudder don't need no school
and I don't need none, neither.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): His past was
tense, his future imperfect,
and his grammar was terrible.
He's a loser, ya hear me?
Staying away from him is the only way
to keep us all together.
If you gets kicked out, you'll
get another kick from me.
Right in the nuts.
You want Dad to take us?
Sign my mudder's name to this.
Why me?
The nun knows my handwriting.
She won't suspect yours.
But this makes me an accessory.
Oh, you frigged it up!
You're welcome.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The bus driver wasn't
the only one likely to have an accident.

- Give me your hand.
- Hey. C'mere.
- Ignore him.
- I got a job for ya.
Just leave him alone.
Get in there.
Go on.

MARK: Okay
Uh, you got a sec?
Maybe half a sec?
I don't know what to be at.
Dad's saying that Mom's not
a good enough mother, and
If he gets kicked out, I just
I just I feel like everything
is about to fall apart.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): She was
finally opening up to me,
but I had no time for heart-to-hearts.
The only organ I could
think of was my bladder.
I want to hear this, I really do.
But I have to pee so bad,
I'm practically gargling.
Hold that thought!
Yeah, sure.
MARK: Oh oh
Oh, hey, pal!
How's it going?
Sidle up. Plenty of room!
My dream was to be a comedian.
But at the urinal, I suffered
from performance anxiety.
I'm a stall man.
RITCHE: Suit yourself.

The crappy doors of the crapper
swung as freely as saloon
doors in the Wild West.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The bowl itself
was probably the cleanest
surface in the stall.
Eugh eugh
RITCHE: How's it going in there?
MARK: Fine, thanks. Eugh
SILVER FOX: Put your
pickle away and get out!
I-I have to wash my hands!
MIDDLE FOX: He said frig off!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Peeing
would betray my location.
I was trapped behind enemy lines.
If a teacher sees ya
Since when are you a
wuss, b'y? Come with me!
I promised her I'd stay.
Sooky baby promised his little sister?
I'm your big brother!
What's wrong? Ya don't like money?

in the wrong bathroom, Critch!
should be in the girls' room!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was so scared
I could have peed my pants.
MIDDLE FOX: You gonna pee your panties?
Which isn't saying much,
seeing my current predicament.
Your brother's in the bathroom.
So? Just 'cause I gotta watch him
doesn't mean I have to wipe his arse.
No, your big brother!
But he's not allowed in the school.

MIDDLE FOX: We know you're in there!
SILVER FOX: Come out, Critch!
FOX: What the frig?
MARK: Fox?!
This is the boys' room!
I would never pee again.
You get busted for this,
they're gonna kick you out, nimrod.
Wasn't me.
I don't even go here.
Can I have a little privacy, please?
POPPY BELL: Ugh! Who the hell used it
when they knew it wouldn't flush?
Damn kids, I think. Ah, some people.
Thanks for coming, Ed.
I could have done it,
but Mary was all
Well, you know women!
I know I'd rather her at
it than the likes 'a you.
How's it look, Dad?
Uh, where's your water shut-off?
Oh, we don't have one.
I got it.
I jiggled the tommy-jigger, but the, uh,
whatchama-callit didn't jangle.
- Plunger?
- No.
I got the brush here.
Are you coddin' me?
It's off.
Ah, good girl.
Uh, pass me the thumb wrench.
Oh, yes.
Now, and, uh what
colour would that one be?
- Here you go, Dad.
- Thanks, Ducky.
I'm gonna have to take the bowl off.
Got a bucket?
I'll, uh I'll go give
her a hand with that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[QUIETLY] He hates me!
No, he just raised me
all on his own, is all.
He's just protective of his little girl.
And he never comes over here
because he thinks you don't like him.
I don't! He thinks I'm useless!
He's always making fun of me,
and you always end up taking his side.
Just because you can't
fix a toilet or drive a car
or change a tire
You might not be good enough for him,
but you're perfect for me.
Not good enough?
Why don't you give him the bucket?
Show him how handy you can be.
Now, just remember
He's just as scared of
you as you are of him.
I'm not scared 'a you!
What a man's man.
Mary, help me lift the bowl off.
I wouldn't want you to crack a nail.
Yeah, Mike, you should go
soak your hands in Palmolive.

POPPY BELL: Alright, now,
just give me a second.
May I use the washroom, Sister?
Class just started.
If Jesus can go without food
for 40 days and 40 nights,
you can hold your pee until recess.
Don't think about waterfalls.
SISTER ROSE: There has
been an act of vandalism
in the grade-nine washroom.
Would all boys who used
the second floor washroom
this morning report
to the main staircase?
- It's not right.
- What?
Oh. Hello, Eddie.
Uh, I was just reading.
Oh yeah?
I said, "it's not right."
A grown man sleeping in with a boy.
He's too old for that now.
I mean, we get along.
He doesn't seem to mind.
Should be sleeping on his own.
That boy's too soft.
You don't know him like I do.
Yes. You're right there.
You suck up all the crap, did ya?
Not ashamed of it, either.
You Critches.
You know what your problem is?
No, but I have a feeling
I'm about to find out.
You think that your crap don't stink.
Well, I can tell ya
first-hand, eugh, it does.
I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty.
Your son? All he does is yap.
Yap, yap, yap.
That's not work.
Well, he put a roof over
your daughter's head.
You should be grateful.
Mary could've had her pick.
I don't know what she sees in him.
He doesn't even own this house.
Sure, I built mine.
You ever own a house, Pat?
I never did.
It's a grand thing
to own your own house.
Knowing you'll never
be a burden to anyone.
Another toilet that won't flush.
I think I got my period.
Well, remember. It's not your fault.
It's Eve's.
In all my years
In all my 40 years as an educator
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I really needed her
to pick up the pace here. I
was practically sweating pee!
never been so mortified,
so bewildered, so ashamed
of a group of students.
Mr. Chafe?
Sometime between 8:45 and 9:10,
a door was vandalized in
the grade nine washroom.
Knocked off its hinges.
SISTER ROSE: And Mr. Chafe,
you oversee the male facilities.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): My teeth
were practically floating.
What was the condition
of the door before
this criminal act, Mr. Chafe?
Perfect, Sister.
Like a bank vault.
So, the culprit must be a
very strong young man, indeed.
Would you agree, Mr. Chafe?
CHAFE: Oh, most certainly, Sister.
You are the only boys who used
that washroom this morning.
Someone here did it.
But who could it be?
Who would be strong enough?
Who would be
Stupid enough?
Maybe it was young love.
Maybe it was the pee
drowning out my brain.
Or maybe it was my admiration
for what Fox was trying to do.
It was me, Sister.
SISTER ROSE: That's not possible!
You're not strong enough.
I think it was just puberty.
You know, don't know my own strength.
Are you sure you're
not being threatened?
Chalk it up to a
growth spurt. [CHUCKLES]
I've been drinking milk.
This won't buy you friendship.

[QUIETLY] Thank you.
say true love is sacrifice.
Besides, how bad could it be?
One month detention.
And you're responsible for the repair.
Do you have anything
to say for yourself?
May I use the washroom?
Hey, thanks.
That was deadly.
Yeah. Anytime.

Well, that's it for me.
All done.
- Oh, thanks, Dad.
- Nah.
It was so good to see ya.
I s'pose I'll hear from ya the
next time you need something.
That's the only way
I ever hears from ya.
Oh, give it up. Our
phone works too, ya know.
Yeah, I s'pose.
- Dad?
- Yeah?
Stay for supper.
The boys didn't see ya at all.
You got a house full,
sure, with Pat and all.
You're their grandfather too.
Well, what are we makin'?
- Let's see what we got.
- [CHUCKLES] Alright.
Let's see what we got.
MARY: We could make turkey?
MIKE SR.: Details are scanty,
but the stolen goods are
reported to have a street value
of over $47.
We need to talk.
- Mike Critch for the VOCM News.
Pop, you can't just walk in here!
Yap, yap, yap.
That's all you ever do is yap.
You've got to stand up to her father.
Oh, come on. He'll be gone in a minute.
Oh, really?
She's just invited him to supper.
And once a sewer rat
gets into the house,
they're never gonna leave.
You came here just to tell me that?
I came to use the crapper!
I wouldn't give him the
pleasure of using ours!
- Is the toilet fixed?!
- MARY: Yes!
The door was off and
I nearly missed the bus
'cause I had detention and I gotta go!


POP: Well, this looks good.
MARY: There we go.
You wash your hands?
Well, this looks good
after a long day working
Very hard.
Very hard. Very hard working.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mike. Is this your seat?
Mike, you just
We need to talk about your detention.
POPPY BELL: I didn't
know ya had it in ya.
Beatin' the crap out of a toilet!
I don't find it very funny.
POPPY BELL: Well, I think
it's friggin' hilarious.
- Mark, you like jokes, right?
- Yeah.
What does a plumber play at the casino?
MIKE JR.: Hey, I might
use that on air, Poppy!
Vandalism is a serious matter.
Boys will be boys. Now, eat up!
'Cause every time you
put food in your mouth,
you put food on my table.
- Dad!
- Ugh!
MIKE JR.: Gross. That is gross!
You know, I think that's
enough toilet talk at the table.
You think you're better than me, Mike?
You're the one always
taking the piss outta me.
[LAUGHS] Well, that's kind of his job!
POP: First, supper
Then what?
Oh, well, you're not having my bed!
They'll have to drag me
out of that room in a box!
Sweet dreams.
Will you all just
friggin' get along, please!
Dad, show some manners.
POP: He's very immature.
And you! Give him a break.
He is just jealous that you
spend so much time with the boys.
Now, Mary, I never
And I knew you were
useless when I married ya.
I don't like my men handy.
And I have never been ashamed
of you a day in my life.
You are welcome here
any time, in any room,
not just the bathroom.
No more favours, hmm?
So, uh, Mike,
looks like you owe me
150 bucks for that toilet.
MIKE SR.: He got me there.
Put it on our tab.

Okay, so just like how we
did this one, you have to
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Sometimes
it's easier to pretend
to be someone we're not.
Okay, no, you have to do, like,
that thing right there, okay?
Do you remember you did that before?
Do you remember?
put on a tough exterior
To keep the world from seeing
how soft and squishy we are inside.
Is this all of us?
MIDDLE FOX: That's cute.
Is that you?
Oh, buddy.
What's goin' on over here, hey?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): We all have baggage,
but the trick is to find people
who will help you unpack.
SUZANNE: Did you make that? Is that you?
Oh my goodness!
Is that of us?
- Okay, let's finish this.
- Okay.
So, let's just skip that.
Let's just do this
one, it's fine. [LAUGHS]

Ah. Yeah.
The key is to find people
who love you for who you really are.

POPPY BELL: Looks like
you're an old hand at it.
[CHUCKLES] That's it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And you
might even surprise yourself.
MARK: I think so.
- Alright, let's check it out.
- Okay.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Doing
something for someone else
can teach you a lot about yourself.

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