Son of a Critch (2022) s03e05 Episode Script

1
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Mere minutes to three
On a weekend!
I could almost taste the freedom.
SISTER ROSE: Children!
As you know, tonight is Bonfire Night.
Burn, baby, burn!
[STUDENTS CHUCKLE]
Do you know why they
light the fire, children?
We covered this in my monarchist's club.
Guy Fawkes tried to blow
up Parliament in 1605
and kill King James I.
So people light fires ever
since to celebrate his failure.
Guy Fawkes was a Catholic, Mr. Critch.
He was a hero, not a villain!
He wanted to blow up the Protestant king
to spark a Catholic revolution.
He was tortured in the Tower of London.
He was drawn and quartered.
The bonfires they lit
were to burn his holiness,
The Pope, in effigy.
When you burn a bonfire,
children, you burn a Catholic,
and you warm yourselves
on the flames of Hell!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Have fun.
[ORGAN MUSIC]
Oh, uh, I'm walking over to Dad's.
There's a bonfire by his place.
I thought he moved around the bay.
Yeah, but housing don't know that.
Mom says her name's
still on it, so shag him.
- Sounds complicated.
- Don't get me started.
Parents are some childish.
So, wanna come?
Oh, uh I dunno.
It sounds dangerous.
I I've never been to one before.
They don't have them on my street.
That's 'cause your street's a highway.
Sounds fun.
I just gotta call
home when we get there.
Come on, don't be such a wuss.
- Bit'a fire can't hurt ya.
- Yes, it can.
That's why they have a fire department!
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): It was
a different kind of fire
that burned in my heart.
Okay, fine. I'm in too.
You guys do have a hose, right?
FOX: No.
MARY: Oh, Mike, get down off there!
You'll break your neck.
I'm testing the smoke detectors.
I gotta do a ride-along
with the cops tonight
so I can't be home.
Whole city's liable to
burn down again tonight.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I came
by my fear of fire honestly.
St. John's hasn't burned since 1892.
- Because of smoke detectors!
- Mm-hm
Every sleeveen with a pack'a matches
is gonna be out roaming
the streets tonight!
Is there anything here that I can burn?
Absolutely not!
Ah, my club's having
a party and it's BYOB:
"Bring your own bonfire."
The b'ys are coming by later
on to collect some stuff,
but we don't have
anything worth burning.
What about that old thing?
I'm sick of looking at it.
Oh, I'd love to, but I can't lift him.
Not funny.
I was talking about the chair.
I hate that filthy old thing.
My chair?
But this is a beautiful antique!
You just don't have an
eye for beautiful things.
I mean, look at the lines on this thing.
Will you frig off?!
- [SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPING]
- It's ugly.
That chair is off-limits!
Mike, will you shut that thing off?!
I'm trying to!
MARY: [GROANS] Damn thing!
POP: Whoa, whoa!
Jeez whoa.
Ooh
Mm-hm
You are not gonna burn my broom!
However would you get around?
Ah, well!
I suppose I could
Use these batteries.
I mean, they may blow up real good.
FOX: One year it got
totally out of control.
It was massive, and like,
they had to call people,
but it was so cool.
[POLICE RADIO]
Maybe a bad time to use your phone?
Mom?
Wait.
Is everything okay?
OFFICER: And that's when I caught him
stealing propane tanks off'a decks.
What the hell has gotten into you?
I was just gonna throw them in
the bonfire for a laugh, is all.
Oh my God, I hates ye staying here!
Nothing but trouble!
Your father frigs off
to Cape Broyle and here I am
Look, if I catch him
out again tonight
That you will not. I'm not
letting you out of my sight!
Oh, come on! I gotta be somewhere.
So?
We were all gonna go to the fire,
but now you shagged that up too!
OFFICER: You're lucky
I got somewhere to be
or I'd take ya in.
You're almost 18.
And it won't be the
boys home for him then.
[POLICE RADIO]
Look, ever since his father took off,
it's been one thing after another.
I'm on my last nerve!
Mom can't take much more of this.
It's not fair to her.
And you could go to jail.
[LAUGHS] They won't press charges
if they knows what's good for 'em.
I got friends now, ya know?
Listen, I need you to
do something for me.
Oh, frig off!
My friends seen that cop car.
Do you know how embarrassing that is?
Fine, I'll get our brother to do it.
No, no.
Leave him alone.
That's just what Mom needs now, huh?
He's trying to stay out of trouble.
I just need something
picked up is all, okay?
If I'm not there to get it,
I will be in a lot of trouble.
Oh, yeah? Worse than the cops?
Yeah.
Last time, okay? I swear.
And then I'll be good.
For Mom.
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): A thousand scenarios
played through my mind, each
one worse than the last.
Maybe someone broke in.
I don't think robbers rob other robbers.
Uh, hey! What's up? I mean in general.
Whatever's going on is
none of our business.
Unless you wanted to share
I need to go get something.
We're gonna miss the bonfire!
I've gotta go get a package.
My brother's in trouble.
I thought I saw a cop car. Is he
Not that. Worse.
If you had to do something bad
but it was to protect
someone that you care about
Is it still bad?
Yes.
[POLICE RADIO]
Maybe you should tell an adult.
Forget it. I'll just do it myself.
Whatever it is, he probably deserves it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
Wherever she was going
was more dangerous than any bonfire.
But like a moth to a flame,
I couldn't help myself.
Wait, you can't be serious!
I'd do it for you too!
I still haven't even called home!
Guys
Wait up!
- There ya are.
- Let's go, c'mon.
You just missed your friends.
Oh.
Did you give 'em something to burn?
Yup.
You didn't!
Told you I was sick of lookin' at it.
You're gonna have to take me down there!
I gotta stop them!
Oh, don't be so foolish.
I'll get ya another chair.
There's more to that
chair than meets the eye.
Come on!
Fine.
I actually can't wait
to watch that thing burn.
Mike Critch, VOCM News, on
a ride-along with the police
as they patrol the horrific
hellfire, the flood of flame,
the destructive dystopia,
of Bonfire Night.
Stay inside, dampen your walls.
Mike Critch, VOCM pyro-patrol.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I'd never seen anything like it.
Part block party, part Wicker Man.
It's not safe.
You think it's safer to
stay here and play with fire?
Yes.
There's more than one way to get burned.
Think of it as a quest.
Like Lord of the Rings.
I didn't read Lord of the Rings.
How does it end?
I don't know. I didn't read it either.
Hey! Stop yer gawkin'.
Come on, will ya?
♪
♪
Okay, this is a shortcut.
We can hop the fence.
Why can't we just go around?
It's twice as far that way.
You need to call home, right?
There's no way I'm climbing that.
It's easy. See? A baby could climb this.
Okay
FOX: Would you hurry up?
RITCHE: It's not even high.
Will you stop arseing around?
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I had the
upper body strength of a jellyfish.
- RITCHE: Come on, Mark!
- Thanks, Ritche.
- RITCHE: You're almost there!
- MARK: Alright
Ooh
Oh!
FOX: Finally!
Okay, your turn.
Oh, yeah. I'm okay, thank you!
♪
♪
[FABRIC TEARS]
- MARK: Ah, come on.
- I'm stuck!
Okay, well, just rip them, then.
These are my school pants!
Come on.
You can get over.
Ow, the wire!
Okay, we have to leave him.
We can't do that.
We can get him on the way back.
"The needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few."
Or the one.
Ugh, everyone I know is an arse!
♪
Can you call home for me?
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
That chair looks like it's
been burned twice already!
- No, but it did survive a riot.
- Hm?
Yes, it was 1932,
before we joined Canada.
We had our own prime minister
then, Sir Richard Squires.
Not that it did us any good.
He was a fox in the henhouse.
The people were starving.
It started as a protest,
but things got out of hand.
They were out for blood.
Me too.
[LOUD CLAMOUR]
♪
POP: There's something
about being in a mob
that makes you fearless.
And something about youth
that makes you stupid.
YOUNG POP: Get outta here, ya coward!
[LOUD CLAMOUR]
♪
POP: The prime minister
escaped disguised as a woman.
He barely got away with his life.
Me?
I got away with his chair.
Why the hell didn't
you tell us that before?
I was never gonna admit
to having stolen goods!
That chair is hot!
And it's about to get even hotter!
Come on, step on it!
- Go!
- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- Sorry.
- Just be careful.
I think I'll put my belt on.
♪
♪
♪
What's in this package?
I didn't ask.
I didn't want to know.
I think we both know.
You can always tell my
dad. Or Officer Butt?
Cops aren't there to
help people like me, Mark.
You don't have to do this.
If you do, I do.
♪
♪
I'm scared.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I had
an chance to show her
I could be a bad boy.
I was an actor.
All I had to do was act tough.
Allow me.
My brother rented a Cheech
and Chong movie once.
♪
♪
[KNOCKING]
What do ye want, youngsters?
Hello, sir.
My name's Mark.
Uh, this is my associate, Fox.
And, uh, we're here for the, uh
"Package."
My brother sent me to pick it up.
How old are you?
- Sixteen.
- Thirteen.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, your brother's an arse.
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): For a drug dealer,
he sure was bad at keeping plants alive.
Nice hideout you got here.
Uh, I mean, apartment.
So, do you have it or not?
What's the rush?
Chill out.
Yeah. What is the rush?
We pick up packages all the time.
My street name is "The Mailman."
- What are you doing?
- I don't know.
[TV SHOW PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
What happened to all your knives?
We got places to be, ya know?
[SIGHS]
So, where's your brother?
His mom said he wasn't allowed out.
He's busy!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): And with that,
I was a drug dealer.
♪
Don't you want to check it?
♪
A little light?
It's fine.
I'm gonna level with you.
Normally, the only
joint I roll is my ankle.
The only grass I'm
hooked on is Degrassi.
Am I right?
You know, I would, but asthma.
If I was a seabird, I'd be a puffin.
Do you always talk this
much when you're scared?
Yes.
Come on, let's go.
Okay.
Wow! This has been a hoot.
You tell your brother I don't
like being made a fool of.
MARK: Bye-bye!
FOX: Let's go, come on!
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
We ran outside to find
the world had gotten a little darker.
- FOX: Come on, let's go!
- MARK: Ooh, a beetle!
MIKE JR.: It's Bonfire Night, folks.
Have fun, but remember, be safe.
Now, let's check in with Mike Critch
to see where the action is.
MIKE SR.: Oh, the humanity!
Everywhere we look, the sea
of flames threatens to blaze
into a towering inferno.
For the love of God, stay
home and avoid this pagan pyre!
Mike Critch, in the
VOCM pyro-patrol cruiser.
[OFFICER BUTT SNORING]
Okay coming up, we have
Talking Heads with
"Burning Down the House,"
followed by Billy Joel with
"We Didn't Start the Fire."
But first, John Mellencamp
with "Paper in Fire,"
only on your hot rock station, VOCM!
["PAPER IN FIRE" PLAYING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
I was on a natural high.
The rush of Bonfire Night
and carrying narcotics
was better than any ferris wheel.
I wasn't afraid of fire anymore.
Like steel, the fire had
only made me stronger.
Did you hear me? I was like Miami Vice.
I really held my own.
I think he liked me!
FOX: Come on, we're almost there!
MARK: Wait, we gotta
go back and get Ritche.
FOX: After!
I don't wanna be walking
around with this thing.
♪
We could always throw it in there.
It's not gonna do him
any good to get it.
♪
He swore it was the last time.
Well, maybe the last time
should have been the last.
♪
[POLICE SIREN]
- Oh, no.
- Crap! Run!
Mark?
What are you doing here?
Hop in, we'll give ya a lift!
Uh no, Dad, it's
okay. Really, we're
Nonsense.
It's practically a riot here.
You could get yourself killed.
♪
♪
♪
♪
Push aside the propane tanks
in the back there, youngsters.
Oh, Fox?
You dropped your sandwich.
Thanks.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Little did they know
that as they made their
way through traffic,
they were trafficking.
Like paper in fire ♪
♪
Seamus, no!
♪
Pop, no!
♪
I don't care whose arse sat in it.
It's not worth getting killed over
even if it belonged
to the prime minister.
But it belongs to me!
Look, when I moved in with you and Mike,
I I only had the clothes on my back.
Even my bed belonged to young Mike.
That chair is the only thing in
that house that belongs to me.
I own it!
Oh, for frig's sake.
♪
♪
♪
So green fields turn to brown ♪
Like paper in fire ♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Old furniture doesn't
have to be worth
anything to be priceless.
Like Pop, they don't make
'em like that anymore.
["PAPER IN FIRE" PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]
[SWITCHES RADIO OFF]
Now, listen, Fox.
Your brother's been hanging
around with a hard crowd.
Your other brother's no prize either.
You don't need to end up
like them, you hear me?
Now, Gary, she's a good kid.
You're not gonna get tangled
up with that crowd, are ya, Fox?
No, sir.
Goodnight.
Thanks.
Do anything fun?
No.
Good.
It's dangerous out there.
♪
♪
- Cops! What the hell?
- Shut up. Just take it.
Sweet!
No.
No. Oh God, you idiot!
- What's wrong?
- It's oregano, stupid!
- He played you!
- Where are you going?
- I gotta fix this.
- You can't leave!
It's fine. Mom's on
the wine. She's asleep.
You said it was the last time! Don't!
[DOOR SLAMS]
♪
[FIRE CRACKLING]
[POP CHUCKLES]
- MARY: Hey!
- POP: Ah!
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Something draws us
to gather around the fire.
Its beauty, its warmth
It's a bit dangerous, a bit hot.
MARY: Oh, jeez
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
But if you play with fire,
you'll get burned.
Where's your brother?
He's not in his room.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh.
I warned him.
It's all my fault.
I fell asleep.
[CRYING]
Idiot.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Maybe we're
not drawn to the fire at all.
Maybe we're drawn to
the people around it.
- Hey.
- Hi!
Is everything okay?
I'm done with him.
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Sometimes,
to save yourself,
you have to let it all burn.
♪
♪
♪
♪
Aw, gang's all here.
Where's Ritche?
Ritche!
Guys?
[COYOTE HOWLING]
Guys!
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪