Son of the Beach (2000) s02e01 Episode Script
B.J. Blue Hawaii
Daughter! Daughter.
I got some wonderful news.
I thought I told you never to interrupt us.
I know, but my old friend, Notch Johnson he's being honored by Hawaiian Tropic for his work against sunburn and freckling.
What does that have to do with me? Him and his crew and the mayor of his village they're all coming here to Hawaii.
We're gonna get a visit from Notch.
You fool! You must call him right now and stop him! If I know Notch, he's already packed, ready to go.
And singing.
Singing? Dreams come true It happens daily Just keep your eye on the mahimahi Mine's so near I can hear the ukulele Aloha, blue Hawaii So grab your suitcase Leave room for a muumuu Let's head out for the dock Bring extra thongs and some magazines And don't forget your cuckoo clock Viva blue Hawaii Water serene I'm so stoked that I could dive in the Pacific And turn blue Hawaii green Palm trees swayin' Torrid breezes Scary insects Native diseases Play on a gourd with hoi polloi Swingin' in a hammock and gaggin' on poi Viva blue Hawaii Dune buggy drive Share a Maui onion with McGarrett and Magnum Wowie, zowie, let's hit Maui Papaya, guava, Kona, java Oahu! Gesundheit! Molten lava! Viva blue Hawaii Rainbow round the sun We're so jazzed we're hangin' a hundred And the luau's only just begun Mahalo.
! Tonight's episode: CNN projects Son of the Beach as the 43rd President of the United States.
Yo! We are far from the hood.
That's right, gang.
We are in Hawaii at the beautiful Hotel Wannalaimee.
This is even prettier than a pearl necklace.
Mmm.
Smells better, too.
Hey, isn't this Hawaiian Punch? Man, I haven't had this stuff since my last visit to the island.
But, Notch, you can get Hawaiian Punch anywhere.
But it's not fresh, like it is here.
Here's everyone's luggage.
Aloha, you! I'm Jerry Agfay.
Are you here for Sigfried and Roy's wedding? Everyone's coming.
No.
I'm not here for the wedding.
I'm the best man.
Ask anyone.
Sure you don't want to join in? No.
Thanks.
Ok.
Well, if you change your mind, it's in the blue ballroom.
Just give a knock.
You can slip in the back door.
Wow! Ten thousand bones! Ooh, think how many lottery tickets I could buy! Ten thousand dollars! Think how much money I could buy! Beauty contests are so tacky! Yeah.
And biodegradable to women.
Good to the last drop.
Hey, Kimberlee, I'm going up the road to visit an old friend.
A real Hawaiian king.
You want to join me? Sure, Notch.
I had no idea you knew Hawaiian royalty.
You'll love him.
His name is King Kumonya.
King Kumonya? Aha, Notch! Hoo ha! Oh! Long time.
Must be 10 years, huh? Look at you! You've lost so much weight! You no longer need a bra.
Oh, your overbite came in nicely.
By the way, how are the hemorrhoids? Terrific.
I just saw them in Florida.
They send their regards.
Hey, I want you to meet Kimberlee Clark.
She's my number two.
Ah, Kimberlee, aloha.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, nice to meet you, King.
Wow, with all the Rolls Royces in your driveway your macadamia farm must be doing really well.
Business has been good since my daughter took over.
Ahem.
Yeah, you must be selling your nuts by the sack full.
Well, I Kimberlee, the king has got the biggest, most tender nuts on the island.
Uh, Notch As a child I'd spend hours sucking on the king's nuts.
I'd roll them around in my mouth, and Notch You know what, Kimberlee? It's strange.
His nuts are hard, yet juicy.
Notch, OK.
I've got it.
No, Kimberlee.
It's true.
Nothing would give me more pleasure than watching Notch stuffing my nuts into his mouth.
What was that?! Maheinie.
Excuse me? Gas escaping from Maheinie.
See, Kimberlee, Mount Maheinie is the island's largest, most active volcano.
That sounds dangerous.
Only if you piss her off.
Yeah.
Let's just say you don't want to be around when Maheinie explodes.
Hello, roomie.
Frau Mayor.
! What are you doing here? You must be in the wrong room.
Which side of the bed do you want, Chipper? Top or bottom? Boy, have I got news for you.
Really? Yo, I got news for you, too! - OK, you first.
- No.
You first.
I entered the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest! You did what? I entered the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest! Oh great.
I'm so grateful you showed up at this time.
I desperately need to talk to you.
Father, I see your guests have arrived.
Yeah, uh, this is Notch Johnson and his friend Kimberlee Clark.
My daughter Rucy Roo.
Ah, the famous Notch Johnson.
Aloha, Rucy.
Any chance we could get a tour of your beautiful macadamia fields? No one is permitted to wander in the fields.
Well, surely I No! No one.
Oh.
Well, no problem.
Kimberlee and I have to go back to the hotel to meet some friends for lunch anyway.
So, maybe we'll do this again sometime.
A splendid idea.
King, aloha.
Aloha.
Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.
Hey, Rucy Roo is nice, isn't she? They want a tour of our fields? He's just here to snoop around! Notch Johnson is like a foster child to me.
He fought in our revolution to win Hawaiian statehood.
That's your history, old man! Not mine! This plantation is making millions now that I'm growing marijuana, cocaine, hashish, crack, and methadone.
For all I know, this Notch Johnson is a D.
E.
A.
Agent.
I'm going to do some investigating but if this Johnson comes back kill him! I want you to win the Hawaiian Tropic contest.
No, but I want you to win.
Maybe we should both just drop out.
Or we both could just stay entered.
Yeah! I mean, it's not like we're taking this contest thing seriously.
Of course not! We're still gonna be best friends because we are best friends.
Chip, this is ridiculous.
You've been in there forever.
If you're gonna take a shower, let me join you.
But I wasn't taking a shower.
I was taking a sh Shut the door! What died in there? Whew! Chip, can I borrow your robe? It's all that I'm wearing.
I know.
I'm gonna get you! Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am! Mayor, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not interested.
Oh! But I don't understand.
No man turns me down.
I do everything.
And I do mean everything.
It's not your fault, Mayor.
It's just that I'm a I'm a Nancy boy a schnitzel smuggler.
You're gay? So that's why you've always resisted me.
You told me they were simple farmers.
Simple farmers don't have five Rolls Royces.
I think you're being too hard on Rucy Roo.
Why don't we talk about it after the 11:45 poi-eating contest? You know there's one every 15 minutes.
Rucy Roo! Why, herro.
I mean, hello.
Notch Johnson.
Uh, you're probably wondering why I'm here.
Oh, I know why you're here.
You do? You're not the first woman to slip into my room with the hope of seducing me.
Ye-Yes! I'm here to seduce you.
Better women have tried.
But so far, none have succeeded.
Oh, sure.
Many women have done what you've done just now, and many wear a beautiful black bra just like yours.
And yes, some even wear a thong panty to match.
But that doesn't mean I give in to their temptation.
I will not succu succu succu succu succummmb! Oh! Oh! Ah oh! Ah ha ha ha ha.
Like I said, I guess it's just not in the cards.
Now, if you'll excuse me you need to get home, and, uh, I need a cigarette.
What is this? What does this mean? It means Rucy Roo has brought great danger to the farm.
I fear for my life.
Kimberlee, open up quickly! It's a code seven! Notch, what's going on? And why are you wearing a sheet? Kimberlee, you wouldn't believe what I found in my shorts.
King Kumonya must have slipped me this note! He's in great danger because of his own daughter Rucy Roo.
I knew it! I never trusted that Rucy.
Kimberlee, I'm going back to the plantation.
But, Notch, it could be dangerous.
I'll go with you.
No.
You stay here.
If I'm not back by the 3:15 poi-eating contest You know, there's one every 15 minutes Send help.
These aren't macadamia nuts! This is marriageuana! Pot! Grass! Mary Ann! The professor! They're cocaine plants, Johnson.
You are a naughty little girl! If I was your father I would rip off that black thong underwear of yours I would take my hand and I would spank your smooth bottom until I Ahh ah ohh ohh oh oh.
Aw, Notch.
I'm so sorry.
I tried to warn you.
My daughter, she I love Rucy, but I'm so ashamed.
It's not your fault, King Kumonya.
That rumble mean Maheinie's gonna blow.
Look at me! I am so gay! I'm as queer as half a deutschmark.
Attention, the 3:15 poi-eating contest is about to begin.
Hey, get out of the way! Oh, sorry! OK.
Oh, girl.
B.
J.
, I know you're gonna win that Hawaiian Tropic contest.
No.
You're going to win.
Hey, Beej.
You want me to put some of that Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil on your body? Sure! Thanks, 'Maica.
Hey, what are friends for? This'll give you a little extra color.
Yeah, let's get some of this on your back your arms, mm-hmm.
'Maica, what a great new bikini.
Ooh, girl, that's the suit I'm gonna wear in the contest.
Oh, really? Good choice.
Hmm.
'Scuse me.
Uh, Mr.
Guard? There's somebody coming up the hill.
Ha ha! Good work, Kimberlee! You see, King? I told you she'd come.
Welcome to my luau, Kimberlee.
Uh, Mayor? I'm so sorry you must be leaving.
Well, since we're not going to be doing the horizontal hula there's no use in me hanging around here.
That's right, seeing that I'm gay.
What a waste.
I'm out of here.
Well, ta-ta.
Chip, I couldn't help hearing your conversation with that annoying yet tastefully coifed woman.
Yeah, she was all over my ass.
Hmm.
Penny for my thoughts? Nein.
! Nicht.
! No! You don't understand.
I like girls.
Oh, you like girls! You've got to meet my friend Beverly.
She's perfect for you! - Really? - Yeah.
Danke schoen, herr homo.
No problem.
Beverly! Bitte schoen, Beverly.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? And now for our next contestant, from Malibu Adjacent, California B.
J.
Cummings! And our next contestant also from Malibu Adjacent Miss Jamaica St.
Croix.
You did this to me! I look like a rare piece of meat! Well, look at me! I got more scratch than a pimp on Friday night! Well, it looks like these two are about to get into an oil wrestling match.
I can only imagine what that would be like.
Look what's become of my beautiful daughter.
I'm so ashamed.
Shut up, old man! If it wasn't for me, you'd be selling your nuts out on the street.
What's wrong with the life of a dirt farmer? The gods planned it like this, you know.
You stupid fool.
Your gods are nothing but fairy tales.
No talk that way.
You upset the volcano.
Rucy, do you really expect to get away with this? No, Miss Clark.
I expect you to die.
Kill them! Oh, my God! Maheinie's erupting! Aah! We got to run for our lives.
My money! My money's hidden in the equipment shed! No! Rucy, don't do it! You're running right into Maheinie! Come.
We gotta go.
Now! Now! Oh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, I'm melting! Aah! I'm melting! Aah! Aah! Well, I guess I'll never be able to say those words to her again "Rucy, I'm home.
" It's a shame.
She was such a beautiful young woman.
And now, she's just a piece of ash.
Now, gang, I cannot tolerate competition within the unit.
So I want to see you two kiss and make up.
- Aah! - Ohh.
Maybe you could just shake hands.
Hey, everyone! I'd like you all to meet someone very special to me.
It's my new girlfriend Beverly.
Nice to meet ahem! 'Scuse me.
It's a pleasure to meet you all.
Chip talks about you all the time.
Let's go.
Some guys have all the luck, huh? Oh, hi, teens! Notch Johnson.
As you can tell, I'm still here in beautiful Hawaii.
That's Diamond Head behind me.
But speaking of heads tonight's show was about a dangerous new drug that's been popping up lately.
It's called marijuana.
You've probably never heard of it because your federal government has done such a good job keeping it out of the country and off the streets.
But I've been able to round up pretty much the last remaining MaryJo left.
And i'm gonna destroy it right now.
So you should thank your federal govermen-ment for all the work they Did I did I say "governmen-me-ment"? That's very funny.
Anyway, you should thank your federal governmen-ment for working and for floating on a beautiful cloud that's shaped like a dinosaur.
Anyway what was I saying? I don't care.
Anyway until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying wha Viva blue Hawaii Rainbow round the sun We're so jazzed we're hangin' a hundred And the luau's only just begun Mahalo.
!
I got some wonderful news.
I thought I told you never to interrupt us.
I know, but my old friend, Notch Johnson he's being honored by Hawaiian Tropic for his work against sunburn and freckling.
What does that have to do with me? Him and his crew and the mayor of his village they're all coming here to Hawaii.
We're gonna get a visit from Notch.
You fool! You must call him right now and stop him! If I know Notch, he's already packed, ready to go.
And singing.
Singing? Dreams come true It happens daily Just keep your eye on the mahimahi Mine's so near I can hear the ukulele Aloha, blue Hawaii So grab your suitcase Leave room for a muumuu Let's head out for the dock Bring extra thongs and some magazines And don't forget your cuckoo clock Viva blue Hawaii Water serene I'm so stoked that I could dive in the Pacific And turn blue Hawaii green Palm trees swayin' Torrid breezes Scary insects Native diseases Play on a gourd with hoi polloi Swingin' in a hammock and gaggin' on poi Viva blue Hawaii Dune buggy drive Share a Maui onion with McGarrett and Magnum Wowie, zowie, let's hit Maui Papaya, guava, Kona, java Oahu! Gesundheit! Molten lava! Viva blue Hawaii Rainbow round the sun We're so jazzed we're hangin' a hundred And the luau's only just begun Mahalo.
! Tonight's episode: CNN projects Son of the Beach as the 43rd President of the United States.
Yo! We are far from the hood.
That's right, gang.
We are in Hawaii at the beautiful Hotel Wannalaimee.
This is even prettier than a pearl necklace.
Mmm.
Smells better, too.
Hey, isn't this Hawaiian Punch? Man, I haven't had this stuff since my last visit to the island.
But, Notch, you can get Hawaiian Punch anywhere.
But it's not fresh, like it is here.
Here's everyone's luggage.
Aloha, you! I'm Jerry Agfay.
Are you here for Sigfried and Roy's wedding? Everyone's coming.
No.
I'm not here for the wedding.
I'm the best man.
Ask anyone.
Sure you don't want to join in? No.
Thanks.
Ok.
Well, if you change your mind, it's in the blue ballroom.
Just give a knock.
You can slip in the back door.
Wow! Ten thousand bones! Ooh, think how many lottery tickets I could buy! Ten thousand dollars! Think how much money I could buy! Beauty contests are so tacky! Yeah.
And biodegradable to women.
Good to the last drop.
Hey, Kimberlee, I'm going up the road to visit an old friend.
A real Hawaiian king.
You want to join me? Sure, Notch.
I had no idea you knew Hawaiian royalty.
You'll love him.
His name is King Kumonya.
King Kumonya? Aha, Notch! Hoo ha! Oh! Long time.
Must be 10 years, huh? Look at you! You've lost so much weight! You no longer need a bra.
Oh, your overbite came in nicely.
By the way, how are the hemorrhoids? Terrific.
I just saw them in Florida.
They send their regards.
Hey, I want you to meet Kimberlee Clark.
She's my number two.
Ah, Kimberlee, aloha.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, nice to meet you, King.
Wow, with all the Rolls Royces in your driveway your macadamia farm must be doing really well.
Business has been good since my daughter took over.
Ahem.
Yeah, you must be selling your nuts by the sack full.
Well, I Kimberlee, the king has got the biggest, most tender nuts on the island.
Uh, Notch As a child I'd spend hours sucking on the king's nuts.
I'd roll them around in my mouth, and Notch You know what, Kimberlee? It's strange.
His nuts are hard, yet juicy.
Notch, OK.
I've got it.
No, Kimberlee.
It's true.
Nothing would give me more pleasure than watching Notch stuffing my nuts into his mouth.
What was that?! Maheinie.
Excuse me? Gas escaping from Maheinie.
See, Kimberlee, Mount Maheinie is the island's largest, most active volcano.
That sounds dangerous.
Only if you piss her off.
Yeah.
Let's just say you don't want to be around when Maheinie explodes.
Hello, roomie.
Frau Mayor.
! What are you doing here? You must be in the wrong room.
Which side of the bed do you want, Chipper? Top or bottom? Boy, have I got news for you.
Really? Yo, I got news for you, too! - OK, you first.
- No.
You first.
I entered the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest! You did what? I entered the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contest! Oh great.
I'm so grateful you showed up at this time.
I desperately need to talk to you.
Father, I see your guests have arrived.
Yeah, uh, this is Notch Johnson and his friend Kimberlee Clark.
My daughter Rucy Roo.
Ah, the famous Notch Johnson.
Aloha, Rucy.
Any chance we could get a tour of your beautiful macadamia fields? No one is permitted to wander in the fields.
Well, surely I No! No one.
Oh.
Well, no problem.
Kimberlee and I have to go back to the hotel to meet some friends for lunch anyway.
So, maybe we'll do this again sometime.
A splendid idea.
King, aloha.
Aloha.
Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.
Hey, Rucy Roo is nice, isn't she? They want a tour of our fields? He's just here to snoop around! Notch Johnson is like a foster child to me.
He fought in our revolution to win Hawaiian statehood.
That's your history, old man! Not mine! This plantation is making millions now that I'm growing marijuana, cocaine, hashish, crack, and methadone.
For all I know, this Notch Johnson is a D.
E.
A.
Agent.
I'm going to do some investigating but if this Johnson comes back kill him! I want you to win the Hawaiian Tropic contest.
No, but I want you to win.
Maybe we should both just drop out.
Or we both could just stay entered.
Yeah! I mean, it's not like we're taking this contest thing seriously.
Of course not! We're still gonna be best friends because we are best friends.
Chip, this is ridiculous.
You've been in there forever.
If you're gonna take a shower, let me join you.
But I wasn't taking a shower.
I was taking a sh Shut the door! What died in there? Whew! Chip, can I borrow your robe? It's all that I'm wearing.
I know.
I'm gonna get you! Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am! Mayor, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not interested.
Oh! But I don't understand.
No man turns me down.
I do everything.
And I do mean everything.
It's not your fault, Mayor.
It's just that I'm a I'm a Nancy boy a schnitzel smuggler.
You're gay? So that's why you've always resisted me.
You told me they were simple farmers.
Simple farmers don't have five Rolls Royces.
I think you're being too hard on Rucy Roo.
Why don't we talk about it after the 11:45 poi-eating contest? You know there's one every 15 minutes.
Rucy Roo! Why, herro.
I mean, hello.
Notch Johnson.
Uh, you're probably wondering why I'm here.
Oh, I know why you're here.
You do? You're not the first woman to slip into my room with the hope of seducing me.
Ye-Yes! I'm here to seduce you.
Better women have tried.
But so far, none have succeeded.
Oh, sure.
Many women have done what you've done just now, and many wear a beautiful black bra just like yours.
And yes, some even wear a thong panty to match.
But that doesn't mean I give in to their temptation.
I will not succu succu succu succu succummmb! Oh! Oh! Ah oh! Ah ha ha ha ha.
Like I said, I guess it's just not in the cards.
Now, if you'll excuse me you need to get home, and, uh, I need a cigarette.
What is this? What does this mean? It means Rucy Roo has brought great danger to the farm.
I fear for my life.
Kimberlee, open up quickly! It's a code seven! Notch, what's going on? And why are you wearing a sheet? Kimberlee, you wouldn't believe what I found in my shorts.
King Kumonya must have slipped me this note! He's in great danger because of his own daughter Rucy Roo.
I knew it! I never trusted that Rucy.
Kimberlee, I'm going back to the plantation.
But, Notch, it could be dangerous.
I'll go with you.
No.
You stay here.
If I'm not back by the 3:15 poi-eating contest You know, there's one every 15 minutes Send help.
These aren't macadamia nuts! This is marriageuana! Pot! Grass! Mary Ann! The professor! They're cocaine plants, Johnson.
You are a naughty little girl! If I was your father I would rip off that black thong underwear of yours I would take my hand and I would spank your smooth bottom until I Ahh ah ohh ohh oh oh.
Aw, Notch.
I'm so sorry.
I tried to warn you.
My daughter, she I love Rucy, but I'm so ashamed.
It's not your fault, King Kumonya.
That rumble mean Maheinie's gonna blow.
Look at me! I am so gay! I'm as queer as half a deutschmark.
Attention, the 3:15 poi-eating contest is about to begin.
Hey, get out of the way! Oh, sorry! OK.
Oh, girl.
B.
J.
, I know you're gonna win that Hawaiian Tropic contest.
No.
You're going to win.
Hey, Beej.
You want me to put some of that Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil on your body? Sure! Thanks, 'Maica.
Hey, what are friends for? This'll give you a little extra color.
Yeah, let's get some of this on your back your arms, mm-hmm.
'Maica, what a great new bikini.
Ooh, girl, that's the suit I'm gonna wear in the contest.
Oh, really? Good choice.
Hmm.
'Scuse me.
Uh, Mr.
Guard? There's somebody coming up the hill.
Ha ha! Good work, Kimberlee! You see, King? I told you she'd come.
Welcome to my luau, Kimberlee.
Uh, Mayor? I'm so sorry you must be leaving.
Well, since we're not going to be doing the horizontal hula there's no use in me hanging around here.
That's right, seeing that I'm gay.
What a waste.
I'm out of here.
Well, ta-ta.
Chip, I couldn't help hearing your conversation with that annoying yet tastefully coifed woman.
Yeah, she was all over my ass.
Hmm.
Penny for my thoughts? Nein.
! Nicht.
! No! You don't understand.
I like girls.
Oh, you like girls! You've got to meet my friend Beverly.
She's perfect for you! - Really? - Yeah.
Danke schoen, herr homo.
No problem.
Beverly! Bitte schoen, Beverly.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? And now for our next contestant, from Malibu Adjacent, California B.
J.
Cummings! And our next contestant also from Malibu Adjacent Miss Jamaica St.
Croix.
You did this to me! I look like a rare piece of meat! Well, look at me! I got more scratch than a pimp on Friday night! Well, it looks like these two are about to get into an oil wrestling match.
I can only imagine what that would be like.
Look what's become of my beautiful daughter.
I'm so ashamed.
Shut up, old man! If it wasn't for me, you'd be selling your nuts out on the street.
What's wrong with the life of a dirt farmer? The gods planned it like this, you know.
You stupid fool.
Your gods are nothing but fairy tales.
No talk that way.
You upset the volcano.
Rucy, do you really expect to get away with this? No, Miss Clark.
I expect you to die.
Kill them! Oh, my God! Maheinie's erupting! Aah! We got to run for our lives.
My money! My money's hidden in the equipment shed! No! Rucy, don't do it! You're running right into Maheinie! Come.
We gotta go.
Now! Now! Oh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, I'm melting! Aah! I'm melting! Aah! Aah! Well, I guess I'll never be able to say those words to her again "Rucy, I'm home.
" It's a shame.
She was such a beautiful young woman.
And now, she's just a piece of ash.
Now, gang, I cannot tolerate competition within the unit.
So I want to see you two kiss and make up.
- Aah! - Ohh.
Maybe you could just shake hands.
Hey, everyone! I'd like you all to meet someone very special to me.
It's my new girlfriend Beverly.
Nice to meet ahem! 'Scuse me.
It's a pleasure to meet you all.
Chip talks about you all the time.
Let's go.
Some guys have all the luck, huh? Oh, hi, teens! Notch Johnson.
As you can tell, I'm still here in beautiful Hawaii.
That's Diamond Head behind me.
But speaking of heads tonight's show was about a dangerous new drug that's been popping up lately.
It's called marijuana.
You've probably never heard of it because your federal government has done such a good job keeping it out of the country and off the streets.
But I've been able to round up pretty much the last remaining MaryJo left.
And i'm gonna destroy it right now.
So you should thank your federal govermen-ment for all the work they Did I did I say "governmen-me-ment"? That's very funny.
Anyway, you should thank your federal governmen-ment for working and for floating on a beautiful cloud that's shaped like a dinosaur.
Anyway what was I saying? I don't care.
Anyway until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying wha Viva blue Hawaii Rainbow round the sun We're so jazzed we're hangin' a hundred And the luau's only just begun Mahalo.
!