Son of the Beach (2000) s02e04 Episode Script
Rod Strikes Back
Screw.
Screw! Scrrrrreeeew! How many times I gotta tell you don't call me "screw.
" I wasn't calling you screw.
I was just remembering the good old days on the outside when that's what I used to do for a living.
Well, what's stopping you here? Look around.
You've got a lot of sweet young inmate ass around here.
Do you know who I am? My given name is Rod Petrie but I was reborn.
I am "The Divine Rod.
" I used to have a cult of 20 of God's hottest creatures.
People used to pay to see me bang 'em on the Internet.
So what happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I was right in the middle of a highly spiritual pay-per-view event.
Just about to pop a smokin' virgin named B.
J when out of nowhere That's far enough, cult leader! It's Notch Johnson.
He ruined everything! But as Isaiah said to Thomas "My Kingdom shall riseth from the ash-eths.
" See, I'm gonna get that Notch Johnson.
I'm gonna get my sweet B.
J.
I'm gonna get my cult back.
And then, I'm gonna get my funk on.
Well, you're gonna have to wait 25 years to life Your Holiness and what's your B.
J.
gonna look like then? The laugh's on you screw.
Johnson! Tonight's episode Hi, welcome to Founder's Day.
Would you like some refreshments? We've got milk, milk, lemonade and around the corner fudge is made.
I'm engineer Casey Milosevic.
Watch me pull a train.
Ah, ah! Choo, choo! Get me wet.
Get B.
J.
wet.
Step right up.
Come on.
Get B.
J aah! Nice shot.
All right.
Safeties off.
Let's shoot 'em up! Mmm.
I can't wait for our tongues to meet.
I'll let you know what it's like.
Now, now, Kody, darling.
Your dear mother goes first.
On this line, you're not my mother.
You're an embarrassing older woman.
Why you little bitch! What?! Rommel, where are you going? Sorry, a friend from Germany will be arriving any minute.
Oh! Hey! You're Notch Johnson, aren't you? Last time I checked.
What can I do for you, old gal? Well, actually, I i was looking for the kissing booth.
Oh, that's sweet.
It's right over there but Chip's not here right now.
Oh, bless your heart.
That's OK.
I just want to be first in line when he comes back.
It's going to be a real blast.
Notch, something about that old lady seemed odd.
Kimberlee, she's a harmless old woman.
What could possibly happen? Right on time.
Welcome to America, my little Schitzy.
Oh, Schitzy, I've missed you so much.
It's such a long swim from Germany.
You're right, Schitzy.
We are reunited, just like the two Germanys.
Notch, this isn't a hospital.
It's a lifeguard station.
We're not equipped to handle all these people.
Kimberlee, because of that explosion every hospital room in the city is booked.
Now quit yakking and help me with this operation.
I need those saline bags! You'll be OK, Private Ryan.
Oh! I just spoke to the police.
They said that explosion was the bomb but I thought it was wack.
No, Jamaica, they meant it was a bomb.
You know, I always wondered about working on a bomb squad.
Word! What would that be like? Yeah.
Being on the bomb squad would be dyno-mite! Uh-huh.
Hey, everyone! What happened here? There was an explosion.
It was horrible.
Hey! Who's the pup? Yeah, who let the dog out? This is my Schitzy.
He swam here from Germany.
Ooh.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
Hi, Schitzy.
Yeah, but can he turn tricks? Watch this.
Achtung.
! Schitzy, salute! Ooh! Now, Schitzy.
Sniff for immigrants.
Wow! Wunderbar.
Now, Schitzy.
Be a Frenchman during the German occupation.
Whoa! Chief, I was wondering if maybe Schitzy can be your new life-dog? Chip, how can you take a Schitzy over Steve? Steve is just a lazy American dog! Schitzy has superior breeding! He's a German shitshund Shepherd.
Hmph.
Well, Steve over there is a som'in' som'in'.
Schitzy would like to challenge Steve to a competition.
Me and Steve accept your challenge! Very good.
Come on, Schitzy.
Uh, Notch! I could use your help over here.
Hey, everyone! I'm on TV! And now an address by Mayor Anita Massengil.
My fellow Malibu Adjacenters today, an open-mouthed kissing booth was blown up or for you people in the trailer park blowed up.
Oh.
But remain calm.
Your mayor is in complete control.
Hello, friends.
The Divine Rod here.
Are you wondering who bombed your stupid little carnival today? It was me, getting even.
I wonder what he wants.
I want $1 million, a boat, and no one follows me.
Do you think he means business? To show that I mean business you can expect another explosion soon.
Take that, Notch Johnson.
For now, this is the Divine Rod saying so long, good-bye auf wiedersehen, farewell.
In other words, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
We now return you to Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place.
Malibu Adjacent is a town gripped by fear because of a cult leader turned terrorist the Divine Rod.
No one knows where or when the next bomb will go off and as you can see frightened residents of this beach town have already begun a mass exodus.
From Malibu Adjacent this is the Asian news reporter sending it back to you, black anchorman.
If that nut job thinks I'm paying him $1,000,000 ransom he can eat my shorts.
Hmm.
Mine, too.
Anita Massengil does not negotiate with terrorists.
Come on, Kody.
Hello! Oh, Mr.
Johnson.
I'm-a Mario.
I'm-a here to wax the mayor's car.
Super, Mario.
It's the black town car parked in space 36.
Oh, I really get a bang out of those-a town cars.
You see.
All Italians aren't in the Mafia.
Some of them are janitors.
Notch, didn't that guy seem familiar? Oh, my God! I think that was Rod! Aah! Oh, my God! I can't believe I almost got blown up without ever tasting manhood.
I've changed my mind.
We're paying the ransom.
Mayor, let's not be too hasty.
Besides, where do we even find this "pa-sycho?" Look, Notch! "I'll be sittin' on Dockeda Bay.
Best regards, the Divine Rod.
" Someone's got to deliver $1 million to a madman.
I'll deliver the goods.
I have no family except the adjacent city that I almost love.
Yo, Steve.
Man, I'm gonna get you into shape, dog.
We gonna squish that little Schitzy.
Talk the talk with a rivalry This ain't no game of fetch You've got to stand tall Lift your leg and mark your territory Lick his butt Don't sit and play with your balls And to the top you can climb If you stop wasting your time And get the Tooth of the canine Get on those balls And do it doggy-style Always have to make the big entrance, don't you, Rod? I'm right behind you.
Aah! Don't do that! You're going to give somebody a heart attack.
The day of reckoning hath arrive-ed.
Now forketh over the cash.
No problemeth.
I only have two questions: Why? Ever since you stopped me from snatching the prize from B.
J.
's crackerjack box "Little Rod" hasn't worked.
You mean you can't fly the flag? Raise the bridge? Salute the general? Your pasta's overcooked? Yes! Now, give me my money! Sure.
Here's your money.
Aah! Oh, my God! I'm bluish! Heh heh heh.
Your bombing days are over, Rod.
I had a feeling you'd try something stupid.
Well, you were right so what are you going to do about it, punk? You have a friend who uses a wheelchair.
Even as we speak, he's rolling rolling, rolling down the boardwalk.
Professor Milosevic? Right.
Now what he doesn't know is that I planted a bomb under his chair.
I thought it would be amusing if his wheelchair drops below four miles an hour he goes kablooey.
Son of a Notch Johnson to headquarters.
Go for B.
J.
B.
J.
, I'm out at Dockeda Bay.
I've got Rod, and he's on the pipe.
Come and get him.
Kimberlee, I'm going to need a really good book on defusing bombs preferably one with pictures.
Roger that.
Jimmy crack corn And I don't care Jimmy crack corn And I don't care We've got to find him.
Every day at this time he goes out for a vigorous roll.
There he is! Professor Milosevic, don't stop! I don't think he hears us.
You've never been more righter.
Stop, sir.
SPF 30 needs your vehicle.
Uhh, uhh, oh! Hop on, Kimberlee.
You drive.
- But, Notch.
- It's OK.
Go! Come on! Faster, faster! I'm going! I'm going! Catch up.
You can do it! Get up there.
Professor! You have a bomb in your chair! No.
I just changed my diaper.
Ha ha.
Don't stop.
I'm coming over.
Oh, oh! Professor, if you go below four miles an hour you'll explode.
No problem-o, Notch.
I'll just kick it into hyperdrive.
Whoa! Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Here comes another Sorry.
There's no time.
I've got to disarm it.
Ah, ah! But, Notch shouldn't we at least have dinner first? Ha ha ha! Ok, Kimberlee, what do I do? Unscrew the wing nut.
Huh? Uh-oh.
Whooooooa! Nuh, nuh, nuh! Thank you for saving my life, Notch.
You are so beautiful to me.
Aw, Professor.
You're getting that emotional look in your face.
Besides, the bomb never exploded.
Sushi, anyone? Ha ha ha ha.
Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
Tonight's show was about minority newscasters and why they're so darn appealing.
Congratulations on throwing the bomb, Johnson.
Well, if it isn't the Divine Rod.
No doubt calling from jail.
I'm not in jail, you moron.
What?! Oh, and thanks for sending me B.
J.
Oh, she's just what I needed for my little big problem.
Ooh.
You better not lay a hand on that dish, Petrie.
So what do you want this time? In 60 minutes, I want $5 million in cash and a jet with enough fuel to get me to Cuba.
- Oh! - Sixty minutes.
I'll need at least an hour.
Well, then, you better say good-bye to your little blonde bombshell, Bozo.
Sixty minutes, Johnson - or she'll be blown to kingdom come.
- No! What are we going to do? Rod has B.
J and I don't know where he's taken her.
All he said was "In 60 minutes she'll be blown to kingdom come.
" Wait a minute.
"Kingdom Come?" Wasn't that the name of Rod's compound? To help you win I want you to wear this lucky kuffi.
Your tribal garb will not help him.
He's completely out of his battalion.
Mm-hmm.
We'll see about that! Auf die platze.
! Fertig.
! Go, Steve, go! Go! Go! Go! Go, go, mach schnell.
! Go, go! Please! - Aw.
- Yeah! Well, Jamaica.
Now are you going to admit that Schitzy was the master of this race? I demand a urine test! Steve is just a girlie dog.
As in schlechten hund.
Excuse me?! Stevie is all man! Hold up! Hold up! Steve! Yo, where he at? We are back.
Vengeance is mine, sayeth Tracieth Lords.
And my vengeance is moments away, B.
J.
No! Please, don't.
Hey, now I think my serpent is ready to enter your Garden of Eden.
No! Aah! Hold it right there, cult leader/mad bomber! We've got your money and your jet.
Now give us back B.
J.
-Just let me deflower her first.
- No! You sick son of a Oh! Heh heh heh! - Aaagh! - Notch! Don't look so shocked, Johnson.
Steve! Steve.
What's up, dog? Yo, man.
No! Aah! No! I'm ready.
Look, ma! No Viagra! Aaagh! Yo, man, rap to me.
What's dog? You hear som'in'? Aaagh! Yeeeegh! Aaaagh! Now get the Tooth of the canine You've got to bite For your right to survive Get the Tooth of the canine Get on those balls and do it doggy-style Dang, chief you look like Dr.
Funkenstein's monster.
Funny, huh, Rod? Even the leader of Kingdom Come never got to enter my girlie gates.
I would've if it weren't for that pesky life-dog.
Aw, Steve, you got your job back.
Now how do you feel about Schitzy? Schitzy, I had such high hopes for you but you've disgraced me, the SPF 30 and, most importantly, the Fatherland.
You're no longer a Rommel.
Now you know what you have to do.
Go ahead.
Do the honorable thing.
Well, back to work.
Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
Tonight's show was clearly about depression in animals so could you humans out there please leave the room? I'd like to be alone with the pets.
OK.
Thanks.
Over the years I've seen too many animals ravaged by bulimia obsessive-compulsive disorder and, in you birds, "parrot-noia.
" The symptoms are loose stools lack of leg-humping dry nose and no more butt-scooting across the carpet.
If you recognize these symptoms in you or a friend please call me or call that old dead guy on Mutual of Omaha.
Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying ruff the big one.
Get the tooth of the canine Get on those balls and do it doggy-style
Screw! Scrrrrreeeew! How many times I gotta tell you don't call me "screw.
" I wasn't calling you screw.
I was just remembering the good old days on the outside when that's what I used to do for a living.
Well, what's stopping you here? Look around.
You've got a lot of sweet young inmate ass around here.
Do you know who I am? My given name is Rod Petrie but I was reborn.
I am "The Divine Rod.
" I used to have a cult of 20 of God's hottest creatures.
People used to pay to see me bang 'em on the Internet.
So what happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I was right in the middle of a highly spiritual pay-per-view event.
Just about to pop a smokin' virgin named B.
J when out of nowhere That's far enough, cult leader! It's Notch Johnson.
He ruined everything! But as Isaiah said to Thomas "My Kingdom shall riseth from the ash-eths.
" See, I'm gonna get that Notch Johnson.
I'm gonna get my sweet B.
J.
I'm gonna get my cult back.
And then, I'm gonna get my funk on.
Well, you're gonna have to wait 25 years to life Your Holiness and what's your B.
J.
gonna look like then? The laugh's on you screw.
Johnson! Tonight's episode Hi, welcome to Founder's Day.
Would you like some refreshments? We've got milk, milk, lemonade and around the corner fudge is made.
I'm engineer Casey Milosevic.
Watch me pull a train.
Ah, ah! Choo, choo! Get me wet.
Get B.
J.
wet.
Step right up.
Come on.
Get B.
J aah! Nice shot.
All right.
Safeties off.
Let's shoot 'em up! Mmm.
I can't wait for our tongues to meet.
I'll let you know what it's like.
Now, now, Kody, darling.
Your dear mother goes first.
On this line, you're not my mother.
You're an embarrassing older woman.
Why you little bitch! What?! Rommel, where are you going? Sorry, a friend from Germany will be arriving any minute.
Oh! Hey! You're Notch Johnson, aren't you? Last time I checked.
What can I do for you, old gal? Well, actually, I i was looking for the kissing booth.
Oh, that's sweet.
It's right over there but Chip's not here right now.
Oh, bless your heart.
That's OK.
I just want to be first in line when he comes back.
It's going to be a real blast.
Notch, something about that old lady seemed odd.
Kimberlee, she's a harmless old woman.
What could possibly happen? Right on time.
Welcome to America, my little Schitzy.
Oh, Schitzy, I've missed you so much.
It's such a long swim from Germany.
You're right, Schitzy.
We are reunited, just like the two Germanys.
Notch, this isn't a hospital.
It's a lifeguard station.
We're not equipped to handle all these people.
Kimberlee, because of that explosion every hospital room in the city is booked.
Now quit yakking and help me with this operation.
I need those saline bags! You'll be OK, Private Ryan.
Oh! I just spoke to the police.
They said that explosion was the bomb but I thought it was wack.
No, Jamaica, they meant it was a bomb.
You know, I always wondered about working on a bomb squad.
Word! What would that be like? Yeah.
Being on the bomb squad would be dyno-mite! Uh-huh.
Hey, everyone! What happened here? There was an explosion.
It was horrible.
Hey! Who's the pup? Yeah, who let the dog out? This is my Schitzy.
He swam here from Germany.
Ooh.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
Hi, Schitzy.
Yeah, but can he turn tricks? Watch this.
Achtung.
! Schitzy, salute! Ooh! Now, Schitzy.
Sniff for immigrants.
Wow! Wunderbar.
Now, Schitzy.
Be a Frenchman during the German occupation.
Whoa! Chief, I was wondering if maybe Schitzy can be your new life-dog? Chip, how can you take a Schitzy over Steve? Steve is just a lazy American dog! Schitzy has superior breeding! He's a German shitshund Shepherd.
Hmph.
Well, Steve over there is a som'in' som'in'.
Schitzy would like to challenge Steve to a competition.
Me and Steve accept your challenge! Very good.
Come on, Schitzy.
Uh, Notch! I could use your help over here.
Hey, everyone! I'm on TV! And now an address by Mayor Anita Massengil.
My fellow Malibu Adjacenters today, an open-mouthed kissing booth was blown up or for you people in the trailer park blowed up.
Oh.
But remain calm.
Your mayor is in complete control.
Hello, friends.
The Divine Rod here.
Are you wondering who bombed your stupid little carnival today? It was me, getting even.
I wonder what he wants.
I want $1 million, a boat, and no one follows me.
Do you think he means business? To show that I mean business you can expect another explosion soon.
Take that, Notch Johnson.
For now, this is the Divine Rod saying so long, good-bye auf wiedersehen, farewell.
In other words, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
We now return you to Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place.
Malibu Adjacent is a town gripped by fear because of a cult leader turned terrorist the Divine Rod.
No one knows where or when the next bomb will go off and as you can see frightened residents of this beach town have already begun a mass exodus.
From Malibu Adjacent this is the Asian news reporter sending it back to you, black anchorman.
If that nut job thinks I'm paying him $1,000,000 ransom he can eat my shorts.
Hmm.
Mine, too.
Anita Massengil does not negotiate with terrorists.
Come on, Kody.
Hello! Oh, Mr.
Johnson.
I'm-a Mario.
I'm-a here to wax the mayor's car.
Super, Mario.
It's the black town car parked in space 36.
Oh, I really get a bang out of those-a town cars.
You see.
All Italians aren't in the Mafia.
Some of them are janitors.
Notch, didn't that guy seem familiar? Oh, my God! I think that was Rod! Aah! Oh, my God! I can't believe I almost got blown up without ever tasting manhood.
I've changed my mind.
We're paying the ransom.
Mayor, let's not be too hasty.
Besides, where do we even find this "pa-sycho?" Look, Notch! "I'll be sittin' on Dockeda Bay.
Best regards, the Divine Rod.
" Someone's got to deliver $1 million to a madman.
I'll deliver the goods.
I have no family except the adjacent city that I almost love.
Yo, Steve.
Man, I'm gonna get you into shape, dog.
We gonna squish that little Schitzy.
Talk the talk with a rivalry This ain't no game of fetch You've got to stand tall Lift your leg and mark your territory Lick his butt Don't sit and play with your balls And to the top you can climb If you stop wasting your time And get the Tooth of the canine Get on those balls And do it doggy-style Always have to make the big entrance, don't you, Rod? I'm right behind you.
Aah! Don't do that! You're going to give somebody a heart attack.
The day of reckoning hath arrive-ed.
Now forketh over the cash.
No problemeth.
I only have two questions: Why? Ever since you stopped me from snatching the prize from B.
J.
's crackerjack box "Little Rod" hasn't worked.
You mean you can't fly the flag? Raise the bridge? Salute the general? Your pasta's overcooked? Yes! Now, give me my money! Sure.
Here's your money.
Aah! Oh, my God! I'm bluish! Heh heh heh.
Your bombing days are over, Rod.
I had a feeling you'd try something stupid.
Well, you were right so what are you going to do about it, punk? You have a friend who uses a wheelchair.
Even as we speak, he's rolling rolling, rolling down the boardwalk.
Professor Milosevic? Right.
Now what he doesn't know is that I planted a bomb under his chair.
I thought it would be amusing if his wheelchair drops below four miles an hour he goes kablooey.
Son of a Notch Johnson to headquarters.
Go for B.
J.
B.
J.
, I'm out at Dockeda Bay.
I've got Rod, and he's on the pipe.
Come and get him.
Kimberlee, I'm going to need a really good book on defusing bombs preferably one with pictures.
Roger that.
Jimmy crack corn And I don't care Jimmy crack corn And I don't care We've got to find him.
Every day at this time he goes out for a vigorous roll.
There he is! Professor Milosevic, don't stop! I don't think he hears us.
You've never been more righter.
Stop, sir.
SPF 30 needs your vehicle.
Uhh, uhh, oh! Hop on, Kimberlee.
You drive.
- But, Notch.
- It's OK.
Go! Come on! Faster, faster! I'm going! I'm going! Catch up.
You can do it! Get up there.
Professor! You have a bomb in your chair! No.
I just changed my diaper.
Ha ha.
Don't stop.
I'm coming over.
Oh, oh! Professor, if you go below four miles an hour you'll explode.
No problem-o, Notch.
I'll just kick it into hyperdrive.
Whoa! Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Here comes another Sorry.
There's no time.
I've got to disarm it.
Ah, ah! But, Notch shouldn't we at least have dinner first? Ha ha ha! Ok, Kimberlee, what do I do? Unscrew the wing nut.
Huh? Uh-oh.
Whooooooa! Nuh, nuh, nuh! Thank you for saving my life, Notch.
You are so beautiful to me.
Aw, Professor.
You're getting that emotional look in your face.
Besides, the bomb never exploded.
Sushi, anyone? Ha ha ha ha.
Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
Tonight's show was about minority newscasters and why they're so darn appealing.
Congratulations on throwing the bomb, Johnson.
Well, if it isn't the Divine Rod.
No doubt calling from jail.
I'm not in jail, you moron.
What?! Oh, and thanks for sending me B.
J.
Oh, she's just what I needed for my little big problem.
Ooh.
You better not lay a hand on that dish, Petrie.
So what do you want this time? In 60 minutes, I want $5 million in cash and a jet with enough fuel to get me to Cuba.
- Oh! - Sixty minutes.
I'll need at least an hour.
Well, then, you better say good-bye to your little blonde bombshell, Bozo.
Sixty minutes, Johnson - or she'll be blown to kingdom come.
- No! What are we going to do? Rod has B.
J and I don't know where he's taken her.
All he said was "In 60 minutes she'll be blown to kingdom come.
" Wait a minute.
"Kingdom Come?" Wasn't that the name of Rod's compound? To help you win I want you to wear this lucky kuffi.
Your tribal garb will not help him.
He's completely out of his battalion.
Mm-hmm.
We'll see about that! Auf die platze.
! Fertig.
! Go, Steve, go! Go! Go! Go! Go, go, mach schnell.
! Go, go! Please! - Aw.
- Yeah! Well, Jamaica.
Now are you going to admit that Schitzy was the master of this race? I demand a urine test! Steve is just a girlie dog.
As in schlechten hund.
Excuse me?! Stevie is all man! Hold up! Hold up! Steve! Yo, where he at? We are back.
Vengeance is mine, sayeth Tracieth Lords.
And my vengeance is moments away, B.
J.
No! Please, don't.
Hey, now I think my serpent is ready to enter your Garden of Eden.
No! Aah! Hold it right there, cult leader/mad bomber! We've got your money and your jet.
Now give us back B.
J.
-Just let me deflower her first.
- No! You sick son of a Oh! Heh heh heh! - Aaagh! - Notch! Don't look so shocked, Johnson.
Steve! Steve.
What's up, dog? Yo, man.
No! Aah! No! I'm ready.
Look, ma! No Viagra! Aaagh! Yo, man, rap to me.
What's dog? You hear som'in'? Aaagh! Yeeeegh! Aaaagh! Now get the Tooth of the canine You've got to bite For your right to survive Get the Tooth of the canine Get on those balls and do it doggy-style Dang, chief you look like Dr.
Funkenstein's monster.
Funny, huh, Rod? Even the leader of Kingdom Come never got to enter my girlie gates.
I would've if it weren't for that pesky life-dog.
Aw, Steve, you got your job back.
Now how do you feel about Schitzy? Schitzy, I had such high hopes for you but you've disgraced me, the SPF 30 and, most importantly, the Fatherland.
You're no longer a Rommel.
Now you know what you have to do.
Go ahead.
Do the honorable thing.
Well, back to work.
Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
Tonight's show was clearly about depression in animals so could you humans out there please leave the room? I'd like to be alone with the pets.
OK.
Thanks.
Over the years I've seen too many animals ravaged by bulimia obsessive-compulsive disorder and, in you birds, "parrot-noia.
" The symptoms are loose stools lack of leg-humping dry nose and no more butt-scooting across the carpet.
If you recognize these symptoms in you or a friend please call me or call that old dead guy on Mutual of Omaha.
Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying ruff the big one.
Get the tooth of the canine Get on those balls and do it doggy-style