Son of Zorn (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

Return To Orange County

1 MAN: Attack! (all grunting) (laughs, groans) Mind if I - cut in? - (cheering) - LASERON: All right, Zorn! - (phone buzzes) Ah.
Hey, guys, sorry.
I got to split, it's my kid's birthday.
Ah, the little bone crusher's 17.
Can you believe it? - Say hi to the wife for us.
- (snap) - I mean, technically, - (slice) she's my ex-wife, but, you know, there's still some hot embers in that fire, right? Sounds like you've got a beautiful family, Zorn.
I really hope to meet them some day.
Don't worry, you definitely will, Skunk Man.
- (screams) - Well, at least he died doing what he loved, wanting to meet my family.
Here I come, son.
("Everybody's Talkin'" by Harry Nilsson plays) (grunting) (squish) Ah, come on.
You want a baby wipe? "Baby wipe?" (chuckles) This guy just offered me a baby wipe.
Can you believe that? I know you're fake-sleeping.
So is that, is that a no on the baby wipe? You're right, that's a no, I'm good.
(chuckles) Yeah.
(humming, clicking tongue) I'm, uh, on my way to Orange County to see my wife and kid.
- Oh? - Yeah, I'm on my way to Orange County to see my wife and kid.
They're gonna be so pumped.
(chuckles) I mean, nothing, nothing more emotional than a soldier coming home, am I right? Oh, by the way, I'm Zorn.
Defender of Zephyria, Conqueror of the Tribes of Aegon, Decapitator of the Dark Herdsmen of Okay.
I'm going where the sun keeps shining Through the pouring rain Going where the weather Suits my clothes (alarm blaring) Banking off of the northeast winds ZORN: Uh, excuse me, sorry.
Uh, sorry, eh, um, that's mine.
Uh, the-the sword If someone can grab that ple (sighs) No one could grab that, huh? No one? Great.
Thanks, guys.
- (horns honking) - Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
No, no, no, I'm fine.
Please, continue.
(coughing, clears throat) Ah, let's see what we got here.
Oh, there he is, there he is.
My little bone crusher.
That's what I call him.
He's probably, like, I don't know, seven feet tall by now.
(chuckles) Oh, uh, by the way, I'm Zorn, Defender of Zephyria, Conqueror of the Tribes of Aegon, Decapitator of the You've got to be (bleep) me.
Yeah, you could just toss that right there.
Hey, you don't have change for $100, do you? No, I'm kidding, I'm not gonna tip you.
(chuckles) (doorbell rings) Hello, Zorn.
(hearty laugh) There's my gal! Ex-gal, whatever.
That trip was rough.
You know, I called the flight attendant a "stewardess.
" - Bad move, he was not pleased.
- Come in.
Oh, not how I remember that photo being framed, - but - Did you get bangs? Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't know, I'm still getting used to them.
Well, you know, I mean, they just started to cover a forehead wound.
And then I was like, "Yeah, what the hell, it's summer.
" Uh, hey, by the way, where's my little decimator? Thought you said he'd be home by 3:00.
I actually said his bus gets here at 4:00.
(chuckles) Look at us, fighting like the old days.
I miss this.
Man, I cannot wait to see him.
He's gonna be so pumped! Kid's just like his old man, he's a warrior.
BOY: Oh, wait, your dad's coming to town, right? BOY 2: Yeah, I'm actually pretty excited about it, you know? I mean, last time, sure he showed up half-naked, like, swinging a sword around, yelling my name.
- Just like, "Alangulon!" - Yeah, no, I remember.
That's why we got the metal detectors.
I like the metal detectors.
They're cool.
It's like It's like we're at the airport, you know, you can pretend.
I can't bring my Altoids in anymore.
Okay, but that's the price of travel, right? (laughter) Yeah.
ZORN: The other day (chuckles) Vulchazor sends a bunch of ice bats to attack the palace, and next thing you know MAN: Edie, did you hide my Crocs again? What the hell? I can't find them any Hey.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Uh, you must be Zorn.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Zorn, this is Craig, my fiancé.
Fiancé? Oh.
Really just really great to meet you.
Really great.
Zorn, it's obvious that you're applying way too much pressure to my hand right now, and Uh-huh.
- Actually, it hurts.
- It does? - It really does.
- Oh.
In addition to that, you're emasculating me - in front of my fiancée.
- Craig is - a professor of psychology.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- EDIE: Oh, don't you have a lecture at 3:30? Oh, yes.
Shouldn't you be logging on? What do you mean, "logging on"? Craig teaches at an online college.
Yeah, but you said, "lecture".
Okay, I-I can see where this is going.
Let's just stop it right here.
I teach online.
Does that make me less of a man than any other professor out there? - (inhales) - I'd say no.
Am I an embarrassment to my family? Yes.
An embarrassment to my father, to a lesser extent, my mother.
- To several bro - Well, you don't want to keep that Internet waiting, now do ya? - I'm gonna go in there.
- Okay.
ZORN: Wow.
So He's cool.
You know, I could see someone being into that.
Wanting that.
- You're an idiot.
- No, I'm not.
Craig is kind.
- Oh, is he? - And dependable.
- I love my life here.
- You should love your life here.
- (chuckling): I mean, we have - No, no so much fun.
We have an avocado - tree in the back, - No! - And we make our own guacamole.
- No, come on.
- You know - Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on Edie.
You remember that time we had that fivesome with those mountain trolls? - (laughs) Do you remember that? - Yeah.
- Yes, that was the old me, - Yeah? Sex with the mountain trolls.
- A lot of fun.
- That was a long time ago.
I'm with Craig now.
Oh, that's interesting, because when you just said that, you were actually staring at my quadriceps.
No, I wasn't.
I don't know.
EDIE: I'm gonna go make some hummus.
No problem.
(clears throat) - Hmm.
- Excuse me.
EDIE: This is Craig.
My fiancé.
CRAIG: It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
EDIE: Craig teaches at an online college.
- CRAIG: My fiancée.
- EDIE: My fiancé cé cé Fiancé? Huh.
Give it a week and Edie will be all like, "Oh, Zorn, please cut Craig in half.
" And I'll be like, "Yeah, no problem.
" - (yells) - (thud) - Oh.
- (bus ending rumbling) Uh-oh, look at this, look at this.
I know who's in there.
(laughing): Yeah, here we go.
(brakes squeaking) Alangulon! Son of Zorn! Come out little boy, where are you? No, no, no.
- Hello? - He's half-naked, - I know you're in there.
- Waving his sword around again.
Oh, my God, that's exactly what you didn't want him to do.
Don't make me tear this bus and all its occupants to shreds.
(chuckles) - Uh, driver, we-we should can we go? - ZORN: Hello? Uh, this guy back here is freaking me out.
He's super weird, I don't know him.
- ZORN: I know you're in there.
- (door closing, engine rumbles) Uh Alangulon? - Alan? - Alan.
- Hey.
- Where have you been? Yeah, I had, uh, my phone off, or whatever, yeah.
You knew your dad was coming over.
He left you a birthday present.
My birthday was three weeks ago.
- I know.
- This is from Dad? I wrapped it, yeah.
It's a brain gouger.
A brain gouger.
Why did I think he'd be different this time? He doesn't have a clue.
What an idiot.
Alan, hearing how mad you are makes me want to take that brain gouger and gouge your brain out.
- What? - Honey.
No, the part of your brain called the limbic system.
It's the thing that's making you angry right now.
Oh, thanks, Craig.
So do you want to call your dad or? Nope, I'll just, you know, wait around for another three years.
Maybe I'll talk to him then or something.
I don't know.
Hey, sweetie, do you think he understood - He understands.
- Okay.
(Headbutt Man shouting on phone) ZORN: Aw, come on.
Don't kill all the Glombeasts before I get back tomorrow.
At least save me a couple wounded ones - I can mess around with.
- All right.
All right.
Hey, how are things going with Alangulon, by the way? Um terrific.
Yeah, he's playing soccer with his bus driver's head as we speak.
Hey, son! Why don't you knock that off and go do your homework, you dead-eyed killer.
(car door closes) - I got to call you back.
- (scream over phone) - (car alarm chirps) - What the hell? Zorn? Wow, Edie, this is, like, above and beyond.
Hot Pockets! (laughing): Oh, all righ oh, oh, oh.
They didn't have the Bacon Cheddar Cheese Melt flavor? - I don't know, Zorn.
- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
It's good.
It's great, it's great.
Thank you.
I'm, uh, I'm just gonna I'm gonna save these for later, you know? Just had a cat right before you got here, so a little stuffed and uh yeah.
So, hey, um, do-do you know what's going on with Alangulon? Uh, 'cause my flight leaves Sunday.
I mean, is he not gonna see me before I go? - He might be a little upset.
- Upset?! (scoffs) That you know, that brain gouger wasn't cheap.
Well, you haven't exactly been around much, Zorn.
I mean, you come to visit every few years and even then, you only stay for a weekend.
How do you think that makes him feel? Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
I've been busy, you know, fighting for my homeland and making sure Vulchazor doesn't get his hands on the staff of Quiv, okay? The staff of Quiv is just a stick.
- Yeah, but it's our stick.
- Alan isn't a kid anymore, and I'm just worried you're gonna lose him.
You need to be here.
Uh, Edie, news flash.
- I am here.
- No, but for good.
Get an apartment.
Get to know him.
This could be your last chance to become part of Alan's life.
(Edie sighs) I got to go before the dry cleaners close.
Let me know if that's not enough toilet paper for you.
Yeah, just looking at it right now, I can tell you that's not enough.
HEADBUTT MAN (muffled): Hey, dude.
I was listening to that entire conversation.
I was 90% sure that was gonna end in sex.
Yeah, yeah, but I-I don't know, maybe she's right.
HEADBUTT MAN: No, she's not.
I didn't spend any time with my son when he was growing up, and he turned out fine.
See? Wait, wait, no! (screams) Oh, my sweet boy! Oh, God, no! I should have spent more time with you! (crying): I'd give anything for one more second.
Hey, Zorn, are you still on? I got to go, son cut in half.
(phone beeps) MAN: It's $750 a month, plus utilities.
I'll take it.
- (car alarm blaring) - Great.
- Couple things you should know.
- Yeah, lay it on me.
The girls in 6B are gonna tell you I spy on them and that I put a camera - behind their bathroom mirror.
- 6B.
- Okay.
- They're liars.
- Naturally.
- And they're sluts.
Also, I'll need the first two months rent up front.
Yeah, here you go.
This should take care of it.
You know, there's actually a couple extra jewels on there, so you can just apply that to my next month's rent.
ZORN: Well, actually, I managed a whole team of mutilators by myself, yeah.
A-and then, well, then I would coordinate the sharing of intelligence between my department and-and The Fanged One.
Oh, so you're a coordinator.
I mean, I was basically doing the coordinator's job.
Everybody knew it.
You know, the guy was a (whispering): the guy was an alcoholic.
No judgment, but, you know, we got a job to do.
You do realize you're applying for an entry-level sales position.
You'd be selling industrial soap dispensers.
Oh, yeah, no, that sounds great.
Really look forward you know, back in Zephyria Zephyria? Uh, the island nation of Zephyria.
I found the dispensing of-of soap, uh, to be very, uh Do you own a shirt? Does a Grithian herdsman have nine anuses? What? - Yes, I have a shirt.
- Hey, it's Alan.
Leave a message.
ZORN: Hey, Alangulon, it's Dad.
I just wanted to let you know I'm in town just settling in, got a place.
Got a job lined up.
This is a big move for me, but, uh, you know, it's time for me to get to know my boy.
So, uh, I say just, you know, call me back - when you get th - (phone beeps) AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: If you are satisfied with - your message, press one.
- Wha? To review your message, press two.
Hey, Alangulon, it's Dad again.
Well, not again, not to you, at least.
You know, I-I tried to leave a message before but for whatever reason the, uh, little, uh the voice mail thing, uh, cut me off.
Anyway, okay, so, um anyway, what I was saying was, um where do I start? Okay, oh, from the beginning.
Okay, so, uh, - I'm in town, I got a pla - (phone beeps) If you are satisfied with your message No, I'm not satisfied with my message! - To review your message - No, I don't, no, I don't want to leave a new message.
I want to leave an old message The one that I was leaving two messages ago, actually.
(on voice mail): Alangulon, Dad.
- Got a place, got a job - (phone beeps) Damn it! Damn you! Damn Do I really have to go do this? Look, I know you haven't always had the best relationship with your dad, but he's really making an effort to change.
ZORN: Oh, nuts! The window was up.
(muffled): I was hoping to hit you in the face.
Ah, that would have been hilarious, but your faces were good enough.
You guys looked so scared.
(muffled): Hey, don't worry about that, okay? That's-that's not gonna be a problem at all.
Paper towel will get that right off.
Oh, problem solved.
Thanks, Zorn.
- Alangulon! Come here, - Hey, Dad.
- You little psycho.
- I'm fine.
I don't really want to Let me throw your ass up into the air and catch you.
- Come here.
Get over here, I got you.
- No.
no! Zorn! He doesn't want to be thrown in the air.
He's 17 and he just ate.
Yeah, no, right, right, right, no, sorry, sorry.
(Zorn grunting) Oh, hey, at, uh, work, my boss, you know? Looks and talks exactly like a woman.
I mean, the guy's going all out, too he wear skirts.
I mean, you know, he's carrying a, uh, a purse, he uses tampons.
Yeah, I mean, he has tampons in his purse.
Honestly, if he wasn't above me in the chain of command, I'd swear he was a woman.
- Sounds like that's a woman.
- No, no, son.
You're not listening.
He's my superior.
Hey, I got a question for you.
What's the deal with that Craig guy? Craig? He's great.
He's really nice.
I've never seen Mom happier, uh-huh.
Oh, yeah, no, I want to kill his ass, too.
All righty, you ready to give it a go, Alangulon? Oh, you know what you can do? Pretend the balls are Craig's head.
No, thanks.
Look, I know this is tough for you, okay? I've been out of your life for a long time and there's a lot that I've missed.
Just a decade.
(chuckles) Right, but the point is, I'm here now, and that erases everything bad I did.
- Let's get some food, shall we? - Are you for real? - Food whore! Waitress! - Are you just? - Say it's gonna be all-all fine now? - You guys ready? Yeah, we're gonna both have the rib eye.
- No, uh - And how would you like that cooked? Uh not I think, not, right? Yeah.
Two rib eyes, both not.
Actually, I'll have the veggie wrap, please.
- Oh, that's awesome.
Great choice.
- One second, I'm sorry.
You're confused, Alangulon.
It says here the veggie wrap is, it's only vegetables.
Yeah, I'm a vegetarian.
Maybe 'cause I'm, like, informed and stuff.
Oh, you should try the carrot-ginger-kale juice.
- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.
- Okay, I'm all about ginger, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, bring on the ging.
- Bringing on the ging.
- What the hell is happening? - ALAN: It's like the hard stuff.
- Double shot, no problem.
- Ginger is actually - really good for you.
- ZORN: You know what I drink? The blood of my fallen enemies out of the skulls of their children.
You're Alan, right? - I'm Nancy.
- Cool.
- Hey.
- I think I live - in your neighborhood.
- Oh.
I drive past you sometimes at the bus stop? Oh, I don't think that's that's probably not me.
- I don't do the bus, really, so - Yeah, you do.
Just the other day, your mother was telling me how you take the bus.
I didn't ZORN: Oh, he definitely takes the bus.
Why are you telling her you're not taking the bus? Amazing people have taken the bus, you know? You got Rosa Parks, took the bus.
Even more famous than her, Keanu Reeves.
For 100 minutes of packed action, he did.
(Zorn laughs) What? What'd I do? - Just tell me.
- I like your bracelet.
- Thanks.
- It's cool.
Oh, you a big bracelet nut? - Check this one out.
Hey, look at that.
- (gasps) - Watch yourself.
- Dad, put that away.
This is ridiculous.
- Please tell me you're joking.
- You can't be in here with that.
- I'm sorry.
- NANCY: Okay.
No, seriously, guys.
Right, yeah.
Why, 'cause I'm gonna kill you with it? - Come here, come here, I'm gonna kill you! - Oh, my God! - Don't murder her! - Tom! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was joking.
- Gone! You're gone.
Put that away, you're gone.
- So gone.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, you got it.
- Put that away! - Yes, sir.
Hey, I hear you.
Dad joke gone bad.
(phone ringing) (sighs heavily) LITTLE ALAN: Whee! Higher, Dad! - One, two three! - Oh Alangulon.
Why do you suck so bad now? (sighs) LINDA: Zorn? What?! Can I see you for a second? It looks to me like it was done with a giant sword.
Ah, that's too bad.
I love that table.
Do you know anyone in the office who would do something like this? Um First thought, Margie in HR.
That is not a name I have ever heard before in my life.
Take a seat, Zorn.
O-Okay, okay, it's just, you've got to understand something.
I need this job.
It's just been weird being back and around my ex-wife, who's now engaged, and that's stirring up a lot of emotions for me Look, I'm trying to make things right with my son, and he's just not getting it.
And he's acting all weird about taking the bus, it's like - Okay.
Let's just, uh - I don't think he's even seen the movie Speed before.
Which is a whole other thing.
- Zorn.
- Sorry.
Sorry, go ahead.
I didn't bring you in here to fire you.
Oh, thank God.
You don't think I want to smash a table sometimes? You don't think I want to box the ears of that gum-snapping receptionist like you did? Oh, no, she's the worst.
I almost chopped her in half.
See that, Zorn? What you got there, that's passion.
- You got a fire in you.
- That's right! A fire that will consume anyone - that stands in my way! - A fire you gotta rein in.
Gotta rein in that fire.
Just try to be more considerate.
You know what that means? Uh, no, of course I do, yeah.
It's when you look at someone - and imagine them melting.
- No.
Yeah, no, it's it's like when two horses die - at the exact same time.
- I'll just tell you.
It means you're thinking about what other people want and not just what you want.
Really? Yeah, we don't have that concept in Zephyria.
No, but it's good, though.
I like it.
Oh! You know what? I can use that idea on my son.
You could also use that here at work.
You're a good guy.
(humming) ZORN: Hey, Alangulon You know how you hate taking the bus? - Yeah? - Well, why don't you come outside, check out your new ride? (Zorn laughs) What do you think? It's all yours.
(screams) Wait, this is for me? - This is mine? - Yeah.
No more waiting at the bus stop for my son.
- You paid attention to something I said? - That's right.
Because I'm considerate, my sweet little boy.
(laughs) Go ahead, take it for a spin.
Uh-oh! - (laughs) - ALAN: Sorry.
You never taught me how to catch, so Now, look, it's an older model, so it's going to have some parasites living in its flesh.
But the talons are still razor-sharp and it handles great on murder swoops.
No! No! No! That is going right back where it came from! - But Mom, it can fly! - (squawks quietly) I don't care if it can spit out flesh-eating slime.
- ZORN: Which it can.
- I want it out of my driveway.
Oh, come on.
Don't act like you never rode a death hawk, Edie.
Okay, I was 19.
I was coked out of my mind.
Y Don't try to change the subject.
This is what you do, Zorn.
- Oh.
Oh, okay, yeah.
- You're gonna come in here, make a big - mess and then disappear.
- Tell me everything about me.
- And who's left to clean it up? - (screams) Look at that thing.
It stinks, it's huge and he doesn't have a helmet.
Uh, maybe if Alangulon were the fruit of your loins, Craig, your opinion would actually matter here.
But he's not, so it doesn't, shut up.
Okay, class, well, I've been emasculated again.
And, uh, so we're gonna cut this class short.
EDIE: Alan! - I said no! - ALAN: What? - Why? - ZORN: Fly, son! - Fly away! - Zorn, if you don't get rid of this thing right now, I'm calling Animal Control.
Oh, no, no.
This bird would kill Animal Control, - if it wasn't so heavily sedated as it is right now.
- Zorn I'm not kidding.
I want it out, now.
(Alan sighs, death hawk screams) Fine.
Guy tries to bring a gift to his son, you know, and just be considerate of his feelings and his emotions Next thing you know, he's the bad guy here.
It's like, give me a friggin' break.
ALAN: What the hell?! - Oh! - That's a living thing! - What are you doing? - What? It was painless.
I just went right through its spinal cord.
Didn't feel a thing.
I've done this a billion - (squawking) - Uh-oh.
Here we go.
(grunting) Oh come on.
Oh - (Zorn grunting) - I'll get the hose.
Edie, the drought (grunting) ZORN: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! This is the problem with an older one, is they don't want to die, so they just won't.
(Zorn grunting) - (knocking at door) - EDIE: Alan? Yeah? I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
After what happened with the bird.
I'm fine.
You know, your dad he's he's trying.
He really loves you.
He's just having a hard time realizing we're nothing like him.
You're not like him at all.
Oh, no, you're right.
I'm-I'm nothing like him.
EDIE: All right.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night, Mom.