Son of Zorn (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

The War of the Workplace

1 [music] [metal thumps] [careening] ZORN: Ah-ha! Castle Craig has fallen! Zorn, why is everything - a battle with you? - What? This is, like, the least amount of battling I've ever done.
And it's killing me inside.
You know what? I'm gonna rise above this.
Hey, Alan.
You want to get in the water, - and help me do an underwater flip? - Uh No thanks.
It takes, like, - three hours for my hair to dry.
- All right, well Where's your mom? She's not one - to turn down a cool dip.
- EDIE: Sorry! I was just using the bathroom! EDIE: Oh, no.
What happened? My peaceful kingdom was destroyed by a meanie.
- Edie, tell Craig to speak up! - EDIE: Well, honey, - I warned you not to build it there.
- That's right, Craig! Retreat to the ocean! Along with the whales and octopuses, and ah, he can't hear me.
All right, let's see what else we got here.
Who else wants to challenge the throne? Mm.
Oh, look at these wannabes.
[thumping metal, careening] [children screaming, impact] [children crying] Oh, I miss that sound.
[title music] [grunts softly] WARREN: Hey, Earl Sweatpants! [laughs] Why aren't you wearing shorts, you turd? What are you hiding under there, nipple knees? [laughter] Oh, I get it.
You're wearing sweatpants to hide your diaper.
[laughter continues] You suck! [indistinct chatter] GYM TEACHER: Just a reminder, guys, we got the swim unit coming up next, so don't forget to bring your trunks.
ZORN: Oh, oh, oh! And this, right here, this is Head-butt Man and me battling our way down Corpse Mountain.
[chuckles] Now, I don't have to tell you, but that place - is crawling with dagger-tooths.
- Totally, man.
Oh, man.
That was the life.
It was so exciting! You know? Everyday was a battle, and every Friday, a casual battle.
Oh, by the way, the reason why the printer won't work is because you have to actually hit print.
You know, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the sting of blood in my eyes, the smell of steaming intestines and the painful sores on my lips.
From battle, which resurface every six months or so.
- Yeah.
- Zorn.
I need you to copy these documents and overnight them, this time.
Not to point fingers, but that was the raven's fault.
We don't have a raven.
That bird on the ledge outside is a pigeon.
Those documents are now a nest.
So overnight 'em yourself.
[music] Alan, how do you like your tofu? Uh, medium, I guess? - "Swamp butt"? - CRAIG: Hm? Oh, you know what? That's an inside joke.
From-from people at school.
They were just fooling around, yeah.
- "Alan eats a horse's" Oh, my - Oh! Yeah, that, uh - That is bad - Ah, ha-ha! Wow! Guys are fooling around out here.
I do it to them, they do it to me.
- Are you being picked on at school? - What? No! I-I don't Why are you holding your backpack like that? Oh, this is a, uh it's better for your back, actually.
If you were, I hope you'd tell me, - so I could help you.
- Yeah, Alan Look, bullies are just insecure.
All you need to really do is just walk up to them, you look them directly in the eye, and you say, "You are loved.
" Okay.
[chuckles] I'm not gonna do that.
Super weird, 'cause, also, not necessary at all.
'Cause nothing's happening.
- I'm not being picked on.
- He's definitely being picked on, - and I should know.
- Were you bullied? - I was a bully.
- Yeah, I can see that.
[Zorn grunting] [deeper voice] Take that! Ugh, I'll be taking these! [higher voice] No! Not my children! [deeper voice] I will eat each of their fingers in front of you and then defecate on your wife's grave! [higher voice] Curses foiled again! LINDA: More copying, more collating.
Then I have something even more exciting for you stapling.
Oh, man.
Did you crumple up my turkey sandwich again? - Yeah, I did.
- Aww! Would you like to fight about it, maybe? - [sighs] All right.
- Gotta be kidding me! What am I supposed to do for lunch? [music] [fridge door opens] I'm sorry.
Do you work here? No, man.
I work at VitaShock, across the hall.
Well, strange visitor from "across the hall," you do realize that hot sauce belongs to Sanitation Solutions, yes? Relax, bro, it's just hot sauce.
[grunts] Nice panties, dude.
[war drums, vocals] LINDA: Zorn! - Copies.
- Yeah.
Okay, on it.
[war drums, vocals] ZORN: At this point, it could be anywhere.
Hot sauce is a precious commodity, Linda.
You can put it on anything.
Soup, stew Ugh! This is exactly what happened with Vulchazor.
"Vulchazor?" Oh, my God, Zorn.
If this is about Pokémon again, I swear No, it's not about Pokémon.
This is about the most power-hungry tyrant with a beak face on the planet! - And he took your hot sauce? - No, Linda.
He took the Staff of Quiv! Don't you people read in America? [sighs] The New Yorker did a whole cartoon on it.
Zorn the guy just borrowed our hot sauce.
There are more important things for you to focus on.
- Don't you have work to do? - Yes, it'll take work indeed to recover - what is rightfully ours.
- Yeah No Zorn, that's not what I'm saying! - Zorn! Zorn - Fellow workers woman who sits on ball, [music] guy who met David Spade once, the office from across the hall has committed an act of war.
They have taken our hot sauce without asking, and they have not promptly returned it.
- Not cool! - But there is no reason to fret, for I am Zorn, Defender of Sanitation Solutions, Future Conqueror of VitaShock across the hall and eventual decapitator of that guy who works at VitaShock, who took our hot sauce! [crackling loudly] [music] Aah, damn it.
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
- Sorry about that.
- Zorn! - Sorry.
- LINDA: Zorn Oh, my God.
MAN: Hello? Stay strong, little hot sauce.
Zorn's a-coming for ya.
[phone rings, echoes] - Oh, ooh! Zorn on the horn.
- EDIE: Oh, hey.
- Sorry to bug you at work - Well, you are.
You know, I'm really slammed right now, Edie.
What's up? Well, I think Alan's getting picked on at school.
Hold on.
Someone's picking on my son? - Yes.
- Where does he live? What kind of armor does he wear? Is it enchanted? Does he have a nervous system, and can he experience pain? You're not murdering Alan's bully.
Fine, fine.
I'll just torture him.
Ooh! If you could do it without leaving a mark - but we both know you can't.
- Okay! Got it.
So no murder, no torture.
See, now, this is exactly why I could never figure out what to get you for our anniversary.
I know your life used to be full of exciting battles, - but those days are over, Zorn.
- No, Edie, I don't care about battles! That's ridiculous, I can't even Oh! Hot sauce! The battle begins.
So just come over after work, okay? And try not to kill anyone.
[beeps] God.
Just as I suspected.
24 hours later, and it's still in the hands of the wretched.
Oh! No one wanted this war, but war it must be.
Ooh, hoo-hoo, hoo! Yeah! I can't wait to fight in a war again! [grunting] Oh, man.
I getting a lot of drag up here.
[rumbling in vent, metal scraping] [murmuring] [music] [laughs] Oh, man.
Show off those curves, Son of Zorn! [laughter] You gonna pee in there to keep yourself warm? You know what, Warren? - You are loved.
- What? Nothing, never mind.
- Did you just say "I am loved"? - Well uh, you are obviously acting out of an insecurity.
Insecurity? What am I insecure about? Uh, you have a T-shirt on, and we're about to get in the swimming pool.
So I can't like T-shirts? - Are you calling me fat? - No! No! ALL: Oh! Hey! What's with all the shouting? This ain't no chicken auction! What's going on, some kind of ruckus? Hootenanny? A brouhaha? You let me know next time there's a fight, I want to see it.
A lot of people don't take swimming seriously.
Well, those people are dead now.
The hot sauce is located in the far northeast corner.
Your job is to stay here, keep watch [music] - and reset the router if the Wi-Fi goes down.
- Got it.
Just so you know, Jakton, I might not make it back.
- Hell, we all might die today.
- Really? But in this battle, they can never actually win.
Because you can't defeat an idea.
[smooches] Just an old man passing through don't mind me, just passing through, making my way to the breakroom to get some hard candy.
Just an old man, standing right here behind you.
Nothing to look at.
Ah-ha! The hot sauce is ours! Hiya! [coughing] [running steps] [door closes] Did everyone see that? I mean, I'm not I'm not gay.
But that guy was naked! [laughing] And they cheered for their hero, for they knew their burritos would be bland no longer.
- Why'd you have to be naked? - Trust me, there was no other way.
Speaking of a war that'll never end until one man dies, your mom tells me you're being teased.
Are you serious? Because a good friend of mine wrote "swamp butt" on my backpack? No, that's a cool thing.
That's, like, a compliment.
That's a swampliment.
Hey, look.
The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him.
Like I did, for years, with Vulchazor.
And more recently at work, with the hot sauce fella.
Dad, there's nothing going on here, at all.
[sighs] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
So I suppose "nothing" gave you that black eye? [crickets chirping, dog barking] Can't I just stay away from Warren until I graduate? Or I could, you know, drop out and move to a cabin and do, like I don't know, online sales.
Hey, Alangulon.
I know you think you're weak.
But real talk, here sometimes, your greatest weakness can turn out to be your greatest strength.
- Now, prepare to die! - EDIE: Zorn, no! Stop the fighting, or I'll kick both your asses.
- Give me that.
- Guys, please watch it with your swords.
The wood here is made from reclaimed boats.
Ah, come on! I'm showing the kid how to take someone's life.
I'm not showing him pornography.
Alan is in high school.
Not a warzone.
- [gasps] Did someone hit you? - I'm fine, Mom, okay? EDIE: Oh, my God, did this happen at school? Alan, you have to tell me everything.
Yeah, it's a kid in my gym class, and we were by the swimming pool, and just, like things happened, whatever.
There's nothing I can do about it, okay? - It is what it is.
- Look I don't want to butt in, but sometimes the best defense is defense.
I myself developed a pretty useful maneuver back in the day.
[groans] Okay, it's technically not karate, but it's cool.
Now, imagine that a bully just pushed you in the mud, and she's coming back to kick you.
All you have to do is get down on the floor and do a little maneuver that I like to call "the frightened turtle.
" Craig, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
See, I can't hear you, Zorn, 'cause I'm in my turtle shell.
- Of course you can hear me.
- No, I didn't hear that either.
No, you're lying because there's no actual shell, so I know you can't not hear me.
- You're a liar.
- Okay.
I don't condone fighting, but if you're gonna do it, let your mommy teach you.
I have a lot of experience with bullying.
Mostly on the other end, but it still applies.
Okay, come at me.
Try to punch me.
What? No.
Okay, this is really weird.
Alangulon, you listen to your mother.
You punch her in the face! Alan, I'm not gonna hurt you, I just want to show you a move come on! ALAN: Craig, you want to step in here? I'd actually like to see where this is going.
Okay, come at me.
Try to punch me.
Just try to punch me.
You can't punch me? Oh, come on, just try to punch me, just try.
You can't do it Hyah! [Alan cries out] - Don't kill him! - Edie, that was so hot! Oh! Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
[groaning] My instincts just took over.
It was muscle memory.
How did your muscles remember something like that? I Your dad taught me that move.
The Five Strike Zephyrian Death Attack.
- Well, four strikes of it.
- Where was that move when I was getting charged extra for cookie crumbles at Mr.
Yogurt? - Hmm.
- Look, I don't want to kill anyone by accident, all right? Don't want to kill anyone on purpose either! And, Craig, I'm not gonna do that stupid upside-down turtle thing.
Okay, I'm not a warrior.
I don't want to fight anyone.
- Just - Oh, Alan, I'm sorry! I'd hug you right now, but one more touch from me and your head will explode.
Well, we should explode your head, Alangulon! 'Cause it's full of wrong ideas about battling! [music] What [screams] [horn blares] [whimpering] [war drums, vocals] [yells] Zooorn! LINDA: I don't want to see you within ten feet of the breakroom or any bottle of hot sauce of any condiment of any kind, - or any person or office.
- Yes, sir.
I understand.
This is your last chance, Zorn.
I swear to God I'll face another discrimination suit if I have to.
I beat it before and I'll beat it again! [sighs] [whispering] Zorn! - Zorn, it's me.
- No, Jakton, please, I don't want you to have to see me like this.
Cast from the bullpen into this lonely hallway, all by myself.
Which is, actually, like my own office.
[chuckles] That's pretty sweet.
No, no, this is important.
That guy from the other office things have gotten worse.
It's not just the hot sauce anymore.
He ransacked the yogurts and those little tiny packets of soy sauce! He even started taking the cranberry cocktails.
Well, now, hold on, he took our cranberry cocktails?! Well, the battle resumes.
Also, I'm battling a UTI, so I kind of need those.
[knock on door] Come in.
[door opens] Listen, I'm sorry about last night.
I guess I sort of had a flashback to my past.
It was kind of a rush, though.
Remember, I was, like, [exhales sharply] with my arm, and then you freaked out, - and you were, like, "Aah!" - Yeah.
Mom Sorry.
Anyway I totally get that you don't want to fight.
- What's this? - It's a note to your gym teacher.
It says you're allergic to chlorine.
So that should buy you a few weeks away from this kid.
Yeah, uh, thanks.
- No! Death strike! - [gasps] Honestly I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to touch you again.
- Want me to look it up online? - That would be great.
[exhales] Oh! Ugh! Is that blood? Dude, I just drank blood! Where is he? Huh? Where's the guy who put the blood in my cran-pom? Huh? Because I'm gonna fill his mouth with blood.
- His blood! - Looking for me? [grunts] - I am gonna beat your ass, bitch! - Let's just get to the point.
What, was that supposed to be a joke or something? What's wrong, you don't appreciate my sharp wit? - Dude, you're not even funny shut up! - LINDA: Hey! Hey! Seriously? Is Is this about the hot sauce? 'Cause there's literally three other bottles in the pantry.
Aw, come on, Linda! Everyone knows you don't open a new bottle till the old bottle's finished.
- Derek Whitford! - Damn! What in God's name is the meaning of this? Stephen, it seems as though our employees are having a disagreement over something completely idiotic.
- No, it's not! - I I'm sorry, Derek, - apologize to these people.
- What? - No, no, please don't.
- Aw, fine! What are you doing? No, don't do this.
Don't walk over here, don't look at me, don't Sorry I took your stupid snacks.
- What was that? - Stop.
I'm begging you, don't do it.
Let's just fight.
I said I'm sorry I took your stupid snacks! No come on! STEPHAN: We're going back to the office right now.
You haven't tweeted from the corporate account in two hours.
[scoffs] Please don't take the high road.
Let's just fight it out.
I need this fight to happen.
I miss it so much.
Come on back.
Come on, come on, fight me.
We can switch weapons! I'll use the coat rack, and you can use my sword.
[bell rings] [sighs] I gotta say I'm pretty skeptical about this.
But the last time I doubted a kid's note, turns out he was being kidnapped.
Anyway, go, uh, run a few laps, then, uh, I don't know, jump over a cone or something.
[chuckles] [fake gasp] Oh, my God! Look at your legs.
You're a total freak.
Okay, you know what, Warren? It's genetic.
All right? I'm half Zephyrian.
Whatever you are, I can't wait to tell everyone.
Dude, does your sweat run upwards to avoid your weird-ass legs? When you came out of your mom, was she, like, "God, what is that?" Whatever, I can't understand you 'cause I don't speak whale.
- What? - I said, I wish I could understand you, but I don't speak whale language.
[grunts] Ah! [chuckles] What are you, my five-year-old brother? I can't hear you.
I'm in my shell.
I'm in my shell! [chuckles] Dude, just let this beatdown happen.
[grunts] [Warren groaning] What the hell [music] Dude, uh, I don't I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! I've dishonored myself in battle.
Here, take my sword.
[sword clangs] Just do it fast, and make it a clean cut.
And please, if you will, see to it that my head is wearing a skull bandana at my funeral.
Do you want me to decapitate you right now? Yes, I would like that very much.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- Aw, Linda, you suck.
It's like you have this obsession where you have to turn every little thing into a battle.
- I know, it's a real problem.
- But what you don't realize is there's a high-stakes battle going on all around you.
All right, fine! I'll hear you out.
But then, seriously, after that, - you got to cut off my head.
- You are a warrior for the Kingdom of Sanitation Solutions.
And the theater of war is mall bathrooms, restaurant chain bathrooms, - convention center bathrooms.
- Airport bathrooms? - Duh, I think you're getting it.
- Dogs.
- No.
- Right.
Right, right, right.
Strong-arming clients, scrapping for your bonus, suppressing reports that say our foam might be carcinogenic.
These are the thrills of combat.
Okay, hold on.
So now, you're saying if I start doing well at my job, I'll have the, um, same satisfaction as, like, killing off an entire race of crab people? Exactly.
[music] That's exactly what I'm saying.
Hey, there he is! The killer! The victor! Alangulon the Brutalizer! I knew you had it in you, son.
Come on, tell the story, Alangulon.
Dad, I've told it, like, a million times already.
All right, do you want to hear it again? Probably not.
Yeah, 'cause it's an amazing story! - I, uh, I kicked a fat kid.
- You're welcome.
Well, fortunately for you, I've taken it upon myself to ensure that future generations will know the story of Alangulon, Kicker of Fat Kids, Haver of Sadistic Rage Underneath his Effeminate Exterior! Boy that we're all very proud of.
- Future Castrator of Craig! - [laughs] Oh, Zorn Oh, no.
[strumming lute] There was a lad named Alangulon Who grew up weak 'cause his dad was gone But now that his father is back, he's strong Who is this wonderful man? Zorn, Zorn, Zorn The greatest father in all the land Zorn, Zorn, Zorn We sing the praises of Zorn - # Zor # - CRAIG: # Zorn, Zorn # Zorn, Zorn We sing the praises of Zorn - # Zorn, Zorn # [hits] - Stupid Craig! [cries out] Ruining my song with his beautiful voice! [lute twangs off-key, pieces clatter] [panting] Zorn, you are loved.