South Park s01e02 Episode Script

Weight Gain 4000

Weight Gain 4000 - Did you see that rainbow this morning? - It was huge.
I hate those things! - Nobody hates rainbows.
- What's there to hate about them? Well, you'll be minding your business and they'll come marching in and crawl up your leg and bite the inside of your ass.
And you'll be all like, "Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows!" - What the hell are you talking about? - Rainbows.
I hate those things.
Rainbows are those arches of color that show up when it rains.
Oh, rainbows! Oh, yeah, I like those.
Those are cool.
- What were you talking about? - Nothing, forget it.
What crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass? Nothing! Children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet essay contest that you worked so hard on last month? One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.
Wow, I knew I would win.
- Mr.
Garrison, this sure is exciting.
- Right, Mr.
The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet contest is: Eric Cartman.
- What?! - What?! Congratulations on writing the winning paper.
Kick ass! Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.
Yeah, I do.
Pop-Tarts are frosted.
Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the winner.
- Wow! What did you write about? - You know, this and that.
- He doesn't know what he wrote.
- What was your paper about? It was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.
You shouldn't have written about dolphins.
Dolphins are stupid.
Dude, dolphins are the second smartest animal on the planet.
If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in fishing nets? - What? - Wait, there's more.
It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by Kathie Lee Gifford? Kathie Lee is coming here? The presentation will be on television.
Television? Kathie Lee Gifford.
I don't believe it.
Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh, my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves to show we're not some pissant mountain town.
It's a chance for you to get publicity.
If I can show how much I turned South Park around, I could become a senator! - Maybe even a state senator! - Let's decorate the town square.
We should have the chef of the school sing and show our ethnic diversity.
That's right! He's a black guy, isn't he? Black as the night.
Yes! And we can have the children of South Park put on a play.
Kathie Lee loves children.
If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.
Thank you.
You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
Hitler was famous too.
- Hello, children.
- Hey, Chef.
- How are my little crackers? - Good.
Did you hear? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park! Because Cartman cheated and won the essay contest.
Yeah, whatever.
But the mayor called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
- Are you gonna do it? - Of course.
Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
If I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.
Yeah, that'd be cool! Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
I can't concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.
Why are you looking at me like that? Have you forgotten the pain and suffering Kathie Lee caused you? Mr.
Hat, that was a long time ago, and I was only a child.
We could've won that talent show.
- Knock, knock, Mr.
- Who's there? - Orange.
- Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Thank you.
Wow, Mr.
Looks like we might win.
And now, our last talent-show finalist Kathie Lee Epstein.
It wasn't fair.
She had choreography.
How could we compete with that? But she's coming to South Park, and I know how to make it better.
How? No, Mr.
Hat! I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
Children, as you all know, Mrs.
Kathie Lee Gifford will be here to present the award to some kid for an essay.
- That kid is me! - Whatever.
I'm going to have you luscious youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.
That's wonderful, right, Mr.
Hat? - Kill her! - Mr.
Hat! Mr.
Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our play.
That's perfect.
You see, Mr.
Hat, we don't have to kill her.
We can upstage her.
You might want to review the essays.
We think Cartman cheated.
Who cares? Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best! - Who's our little prizewinner again? - Me, Eric Cartman! How about we get in shape? We want to look our best on TV, don't we? Yes, ma'am.
I'm gonna be on television I'm gonna be on television I'm gonna be on television I'm gonna be on television We don't believe you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Stop defending your girlfriend for writing about stupid fish.
- Dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
- Intelligent and friendly on rye bread.
- Dolphins are smarter than you.
- Then why do they live in igloos? - That's not dolphins.
That's Eskimos! - Who cares? - It's tree-hugging hippie crap.
- Tell me what you wrote! I can't.
I have to go home and get in shape! Yeah, right! You'll go watch TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.
Screw you, hippie! We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals after this.
Need to get in shape fast? Wanna look your best? Tired of not getting chicks? Tired of being a 90-pound weakling? Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000! Over 4000 grams of saturated fat per serving.
Its formula is designed to go to the stomach, where it is distributed to the blood! Now available at stores everywhere.
- Say it with me, "Beefcake!" - Beefcake.
- Beefcake! - Beefcake! May cause irreversible damage to kidneys and liver.
Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000? Okay, Eric.
I'll get you some tomorrow.
But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow! But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.
Mom! Okay, okay.
Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then.
No, no! Kill her! No, Mr.
Hat, I won't do it.
Kill! That does it.
You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr.
- She'll make a fool of you again.
- Stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.
Hey, dudes.
What is wrong with you? Haven't you noticed the snow on the ground? I have a nice body, and I wanna show it off! - What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds! - I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's! Laugh all you want! I'll be the one on TV looking all buff.
- What's that stuff? - Weight Gain 4000.
It's bulking me up.
- Bulk up to what? Fat-ass? - Super fat-ass? Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings! Sweet, check me out.
I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door.
Come on, people.
We've got to turn this place around.
Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows! Well, Mr.
Garrison, how is the little play going? Fine.
We were just about to run it from the top.
Oh, please do.
I'm dying to see it.
All the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
All the little Indians to the center of the stage.
- Am I an Indian or a pioneer? - You have a feather on your head? - Yes.
- Then you're an Indian.
Bebe, this is your line.
This is the story of South Park.
It begins over 1 00 years ago when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land.
Oh, don't they look adorable? Then from the East came the great white pioneers.
- Oh, my God! - They did it better this morning.
They had more energy.
The pioneers met with the Indians and negotiated for their fertile lands.
We cannot have our children beating each other in front of Kathie Lee! What do you want? This is how it happened.
Take that, you stupid Indian! Mr.
Garrison, this is not appropriate! Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this? To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford! What have I said? He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!" Mr.
Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
It happened again, didn't it? Now we do things my way.
I can't kill her, Mr.
You're gonna have to do it.
- Cartman, talk about wide load.
- I'm starting to fill out nicely.
No, you're not.
You're fatter than ever! I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape! You're such a fat-ass, when you walk around, people go: "Goddamn, that's a big fat-ass!" No, they don't, you jealous weakling! Goddamn, that's a big fat-ass! - Hi, guys.
- Oh, look, another hippie.
- Peace, Wendy.
- Shut up, Cartman! Two little hippies sitting in a tree I'll find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.
- Can I help you? - Yes.
I need a gun.
Would this be for hunting, protection or other? - Other.
- Alrighty then.
May I suggest a Stratford 1 2 mm? Go ahead.
Try it on! That looks nice on you.
The lacquered black matches your eyes.
You talking to me? You talking to me? - I don't know, it's a little small.
- Okay.
How about this? You talking to me? I don't like this one either.
Here's the same gun with a wood finish.
You talking to me?! I don't see anybody else here, so you must be talking to me.
I'll take it.
Hello? "My essay, by Eric Cartman.
When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them I lived alone in the woods on the shore of" Mr.
Hat, old Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow.
She beat us in the talent show all those years ago.
I think we owe her for that.
Oh, my God! - Howdy, Mr.
Nice gun.
- Thank you.
- Nice gun, Mr.
- Thanks.
- Hello, Officer Barbrady.
- Nice gun.
Is there somewhere in town I can get a good, clear shot? View of Kathie Lee? I think the book depository would be a good bet.
That might do quite nicely.
Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
No problem.
Caught you red-handed! No pictures of Kathie Lee! Where is she? This is sweet.
Camera crews are setting up, and I look totally ripped.
- Beefcake.
Beefcake! - They won't get all of you in frame.
- Guys, we have to stop him! - Stop who? Mr.
Garrison! He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford! No, you don't! You won't ruin my moment of fame.
He's got a gun! You gotta get over this jealousy thing.
Seriously, just face it.
I wrote a better paper than you.
It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won.
There's something more important now.
You've got to prioritize.
What's more important: Being on TV or some stupid assassination? Stan, I can't do it alone.
Please? We're losing him.
Here she comes! Damn, I'm not the only one who's thought of killing her.
We love you, Kathie Lee! We love you too.
Come on, you little bitch.
You've gotta leave your precious bubble sometime.
It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs.
Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park! And now our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs.
Lee Gifford! Thank you, Mr.
You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman.
I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way.
No, no, no.
I mean special.
Like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long.
Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.
What? What?! Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song.
Thank you, Chef! God bless you, Kathie Lee! Mr.
Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him! What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute.
Is there somewhere in town I can get a good, clear shot? View of Kathie Lee? I think the book depository would be a good bet.
I think the book depository would be a good bet.
Book depository.
Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB.
Wendy, look! And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman Cartman, goddamn it! is your favorite celebrity and mine Kathie Lee Gifford! Thank you.
I love you all.
Garrison! Stop! Leave us.
We must finish what we have begun.
I know she's hurt you.
She's hurt a lot of people.
- You can't know.
- You should've won that talent show.
It is with honor and pride that I present the winner this trophy.
- Eric, would you please come up here? - Here it is, my big moment of fame.
Then she threw her voice with two dummies at once.
I know that, but this isn't the answer.
It is too late for me, young Wendy.
I've learned something today.
You can't win all the time.
If you don't win, you can't hold it against the person who did because that's the only way you ever really lose.
You're right.
She really threw her voice with two dummies? The bitch must die! Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard! - Gun! - Gun! Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play! That's it.
Wrap it up.
Hey, wait a minute.
When do I get to be on television? Forget it.
No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
But I won the environmental essay contest! You don't deserve to win, Cartman, and you know it! I'm holding Cartman's paper.
It's actually nothing more than Walden with Thoreau's name crossed out and Cartman's name written in its place.
- Who cares? - Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
What about not holding anything against the winner? Well, not if it's Cartman.
Hey, where are you all going? They don't even know what Walden is.
I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd know what it was! Come on.
Kyle's mom will make tuna-fish sandwiches.
What the hell.
No, no! Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, truck-driving idiots! Mayor, the mike is on.
Thought you could get away with it, Mr.
Hat? I would have, if it weren't for those meddling kids.
You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee and that nobody got hurt.
We hope you can come back to school soon.
I'd love to, but the doctors say Mr.
Hat needs more therapy.
We can still get her! I'm just sorry I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
Not Cartman.
He gets to be on TV anyway.
Really? On what? Obesity.
Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat-ass.
We have with us via satellite Eric Cartman from South Park who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house.
When is this gonna be on the air? Is there anything you'd like to say to the people? Follow your dreams.
You can reach your goals.
I'm living proof.
Beefcake! He needs to run his ass around the block.
How about more of that good loving? Damn! I gave you sweet loving five minutes ago! You trying to kill me?
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