South Park s01e04 Episode Script

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride Where's the bus? We'll be late for practice.
- Hi, Sparky.
- Who's that? My new dog Sparky.
He followed me.
- Wow, cool! - Good boy.
Who's my best buddy? - Who's my buddy? - You're making me sick, dude! He's part Doberman and wolf.
He's the toughest dog.
No way! Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
- He's not meaner than Sparky! - Let's see.
Hey, Sylvester! Sparky will kick his ass! - I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
- You're on! That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass! He's doing something to his ass.
He's not kicking his ass, but he's doing something.
Sparky, bad dog! - What?! - I think your dog is gay.
- What do you mean? - That dog is a gay homosexual.
He's just confused.
The other dog's the one that's confused.
Sick! Shut up, dude! Stan's dog's a homo! Stan's dog's a homo! Okay, children, I know you're excited and nervous about the homecoming game against Middle Park.
- Middle Park? - Homecoming? Remember what I taught you: That football is like making love to a really beautiful woman.
You can't always score, but when you do it makes all the trying worthwhile.
Now, let's start practice.
- Mr.
Chef, sir? - Yes, Pip, what is it? - I still don't have a helmet.
- We can't afford helmets for everyone.
Couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet? - Does it always have to be me? - I'm afraid it does.
Sorry, son.
Get your ass in there! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut Hike the damn ball! - How's practice coming there, Chef? - Oh, fine.
I won't remind you how important the game is to us South Park alumni.
- Elementary alumni? - That's as far as most got.
Can we beat the spread against Middle Park? - I don't know.
What's the spread? - Middle Park by 70 points.
I got it! I got it! We don't have a chance.
Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback.
Right, Stanley? - Attaboy! - Great pass, Stan! Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie! That was a good practice, children.
We'll see you here tomorrow.
Stan, is that your dog? He must have followed me.
You see, he is smart.
My dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.
But my dog found his own way.
That makes him smarter - Sparky, get down! - What's he doing to my dog? - There he goes again.
- Get down, Sparky! Stan didn't mention his dog is a gay homosexual.
Make him stop! I'm glad my dog isn't gay.
Maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
Gay dog.
So, Simon and Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
Thank you, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures.
D minus.
- Damn it! - Who should we call on next, Mr.
Hat? How about Stan, our South Park quarterback star? Good idea.
Okay, Stanley, you're next.
- I'm not prepared either.
- Make something up, like Eric did.
Asian culture has plagued our Earth for years.
We must end it Excellent, A minus.
- Wow, cool! - Why the hell does he get an A minus? Stanley might lead our team to victory for the first time in decades.
Athletes are treated better because they're better people.
- That's not fair! - Life isn't fair.
Get used to it.
Stupid puppet.
Don't forget your assignments.
They're due for everyone but Stan.
- Mr.
Garrison, can I ask a question? - What is it? - What's a homosexual? - Oh, well, Stanley I guess you came to the right person.
Sit down.
Stanley, gay people Well, gay people are evil.
Evil down to their black hearts, which pump not blood but a vomitous oil that oozes through their veins clots in their brains, which causes their Nazi-esque violent behavior.
- Do you understand? - I guess.
I'm glad we could have this talk.
Now you go and practice football like a good little heterosexual.
You see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass.
You need to kick more ass to beat the Cowboys.
Speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's homo dog! Shut up, dude! Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf? That's the gayest dog I've ever seen.
He just needs some training, that's all.
Sit, Sparky.
Good boy.
Now shake.
Good boy.
Now, don't be gay! Don't be gay, Spark.
Don't be gay.
- Did it work? - I don't know.
He still looks gay.
Hey, Stan, your dog been to any pride marches lately? Yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbra Streisand concert.
- Stupid gay dog.
- Gay dog.
Come on.
I have an idea.
- I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
- Are you crazy? No siree, I tell you, I got the line.
My nephew's the best quarterback the school's ever seen.
I guarantee they'll beat the spread.
I'll put all my money on the Cows.
- I'll put 300 on the Cows too.
- I wanna put money on the Cows too! Don't get too carried away now.
- You better be right about this, Jimbo.
- Don't worry yourself.
- Are you sure Stan is that good? - Not that sure.
We better come up with a backup plan.
Let's see Hey, bookie, what's the halftime show? John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is singing "Loving You.
" - I love that song.
- "Loving You"? That's perfect.
Middle Park will get a halftime show they'll never forget.
Sparky, we got you a present.
Why don't? Where do you keep getting this? No pink bandanna.
Bad dog! Now pay attention.
Sparky, this is Fifi.
- There he goes.
- Attaboy, get her! Yes! - Crap! Now what? - Who cares if your dog's gay? Maybe it's not bad.
No way.
My mom says God hates gay people.
That's why he smoked the Sodomies in France.
I know.
Garrison said homosexuals are evil.
But Sparky isn't.
Maybe he's wrong.
Ask somebody else.
Like who? Now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
Many of you are seeking answers and I am the way for you, my children.
Let's open the phone lines up.
Hello, you're on the air.
- Is this Jesus? - Yes, my son.
This is Robert from Torrey Pines.
I asked for advice on my ex-wife.
- Of course.
How are things now? - Everything's better.
She hasn't mouthed off since.
Thank you for the advice.
And for dying for my sins.
That was nice of you.
Blessed art thou.
Next caller, you're on the air.
Hi, Jesus, I have a dog and he's a homosexual.
My son, many have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is.
I'd like to state, once and for all, my true opinion.
You see That's all for Jesus and Pals.
Stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
- Damn it! - What? I got cut off for Marty's Movie Reviews! Marty's Movie Reviews are on? Kick ass! Can't anybody help me? Doesn't anybody care? We have to go practice.
It's not okay.
I don't want a gay dog.
I want a butch dog.
I want a Rin Tin Tin.
Now, children, we've got to handle the ball better.
Hold the football like you'd hold your lover.
Gently, yet firmly.
You want to be both nurturing and clinging at the same time.
Oh, yeah.
Just like making sweet love to the football.
Being naughty with the football.
- Chef? - Ever so gently.
- Chef? - Spank it.
Chef! Sorry, children.
Let's run some plays.
- Mr.
Chef? - We still don't have a helmet for you.
How about I use a helmet today and someone else doesn't? Would that be fair to the other children? I guess not.
We want to put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment.
What moment is that? John Stamos' older brother is singing "Loving You" during halftime.
We want it to go off when he hits the high F.
- What high F? - You know.
Put the trigger on the "doot-en-doo"? No, damn it.
The: Go ahead.
You got it.
All right.
Yeah, okay.
What's wrong, Stan? You seem down.
I can't concentrate because my dog is gay.
You know what they say.
You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
Stop filling him with queer-Ioving propaganda.
You of all people should be sympathetic.
- What? - You're gay, aren't you? What the hell are you talking about? I am not gay! - Well, you sure do act like it.
- I do that to get chicks, dumb-ass.
- What's wrong? - I can't find Sparky.
He usually follows me.
Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants.
Hello there, little pup! I'm Big Gay Al.
Have you been outcast? I'm glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
We're all big gay friends here.
Would you like to live with us? Come on in, little fellow.
Nobody will ever oppress you here.
Have you seen Sparky? He's not back.
- It's been two days.
- I think he ran away.
- Did you check the shopping? - We'll look after the game.
- I'm not playing.
- You what? I'm not playing.
I have to find my dog.
Come on, Ned.
And keep quiet.
- Hello there, Enrique.
- What are we doing here? Well, we always kidnap Middle Park's mascot.
But this year we're gonna booby-trap it.
And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F, boom! No more Middle Park players.
Goddamn, I love football! Sparky, where are you? Where could he be? Hello, this is Frank Hammond, South Park Radio, AM 900.
Tonight is the Middle Park Cowboys against the South Park Cows.
Chef, the South Park Cows' coach, is nervous.
It's because his quarterback hasn't shown up.
Oh, come on, Stan.
If Stan doesn't show up, can I use his helmet? No, Pip.
Sparky! Sparky! - Play ball! - You're quarterback, Kyle.
- I never practiced.
- It's late for that bullcrap.
Filling in for quarterback is number 1 2, Kyle Broflovski.
Hey, where's little Stanley? Why is that Jewish kid playing quarterback? Ned, look! They've got Enrique on their sidelines.
- Looks like that bomb's still attached.
- Yay.
Hi, little fella, how are you doing? - Fine, how are you? - Super, thanks for asking.
My gay dog ran away.
Did he come here? - Well, let's see.
Come on in.
- Do you have lots of gay dogs here? We have all sorts of gay animals here.
Over here we have a gay lion.
We have gay water buffalo.
Here's a gaggle of gay gooses.
Hi, fellas.
It's so super to see you! Wow, the animals are really happy.
Of course, silly buns! It's the one place where they can be themselves.
Do you like to dance? Hike me the ball, somebody run and I'll throw.
Ready? Break! - You're toast.
- We're gonna pound your heads in.
We'll just see about that! Set, set - Damn it, Cartman! - What's the matter? - Cartman farted! - That was just my shoes.
Come on! We'll get a delay of game penalty.
- No way, dude! - Hike the ball! - Dude, weak.
- You get back there.
The ball is snapped.
Middle Park blitzes! Fumble! Middle Park gets the ball, they run for a touchdown! The score's 7-0 Middle Park, with 1 4:57 remaining in the first.
Hell's bells.
Haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King! That's not PC.
You'll get us in trouble.
Right, I gotta watch that.
If we lose money because of your nephew, we'll hang you out to dry.
Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime.
Sparky! Hi, Sparky, how's it going? I miss you, old pal.
You really had me scared.
Let's go home.
I can still make the game.
We can work on making you not gay together.
Sparky? - It appears you still don't understand.
- What don't I understand? I have to show you something.
With a minute left in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant! - Dude! Now, that is not cool.
- Sorry, sorry.
Okay, Stan, get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.
Step aboard, Stanley.
Welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride! On this adventure, we'll see the gay world throughout time.
The Cows are set to receive.
There's the kick.
It's taken by 23, Kenny McCormick.
He's at the 50, the 40, the 30 - Hold him! - Hold him! The little running back is down! I think he's Yes, he's been decapitated! Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards! - That's gotta hurt, Frank! - Oucheroo! Hey, come on! That was roughing! At least let us scrape him off the field! Looks like the Cows won't beat the Gayness has existed since the beginning of time.
From the Egyptian pharaohs to the shoguns of Japan.
Uh-oh, look out, it's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh, my! Oh, gosh, that was close.
Let's steer our boat out of here and into a place where gays live freely.
- What do you think, Stan? - This kicks ass.
I'm sorry I tried to change you.
I didn't understand.
Isn't this precious? Now here to sing "Loving You" is the one and only John Stamos' brother! All right, Richard! What the hell? He didn't sing the high F.
Richard can't sing a high F, he always screws it up.
Ned, we are gonna get our asses kicked! It's obvious where the talent in that family went! Thanks for everything, Big Gay Al.
No problem.
Are you sure you don't want cheese sandwiches? I gotta get to the football game.
Come on, boy.
Oh, Stan.
When you get back to town, tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes desperately.
I will, Big Gay Al, I will.
Oh, my carrot cake! The Cows are being molested by Middle Park! I haven't seen so many children molested since You said beating the spread was a sure thing! We all put our life savings in this game! You're a dead man, Jimbo! This should just about wrap it up Wait, what's this? It's Stan, the star quarterback.
Where the hell have you been? - Getting my best friend back.
- Get in there, boy.
Give them hell, Stanley! Jesus, I haven't asked for much.
All we need is one little score.
- Please.
Please, Jesus! - Leave me alone.
Stan steps back to pass Hey, Stan.
I'm open, I think.
And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.
Oh, my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1 938! Dude! Touchdown! The final score is Middle Park Cowboys, 73.
South Park Cows, 6.
South Park beats the spread! Speech! What do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost-victory? It's really cool that we beat the spread.
Yeah, all right! And maybe we can beat them even more next year.
- And it's okay to be gay.
- What? Being gay is part of nature and a beautiful thing.
What is he talking about? Stanley, you arrived late.
Where were you that whole time? With my new friend, Big Gay Al.
He showed me his sanctuary and took me on a boat ride where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.
It's true, I'll show you.
But it was here, right here.
There was a techno dance club.
You need to lay off the cough syrup.
I'm worried about you.
Oliver! I thought you ran away all those months ago.
- Sidney! - Willie! Carlos! Thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
- There you are.
How's it going? - I'm super, thanks for asking.
It looks like now my work here is done.
Goodbye, Stanley! Peace be with you.
- You guys, I can do it.
- Do what? No!
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