South Park s02e03 Episode Script


Ok children each of you gets to choose - Reading sucks ass! - Eric, shut up! Boring, boring - Gay, boring, boring.
- Hey guys, check out these books.
- Sabrina unchained.
- Wow these books look cool! Hey there's a lot of big words in these books.
There's a lot of hot vaginas and penises.
- Hello kids! I see you're discovering the magic of reading.
- Who are you? I drive the Booktastic Bus where magic begins.
You see reading opens up whole new worlds to you.
You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go back in time to Camelot or become a race car driver all by just opening a book.
Just like magic, the magic of reading.
God, shut up dude.
Go ahead an pick any books you like.
Then get in, get into the magic! - If we read are we gonna become like that guy? - Yeah this is stupid.
Books aren't magical.
I don't know I'm kind of getting a tangly feeling looking at these.
- Hey what's that? - I don't know let's go see.
Well being an officer of the peace means a lot of things.
It's a hard job, but then again I'm a hard man.
A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do.
Well, they're wrong.
All units, all units, report to Avenue 254 De Los Mexicanos Possible hostile situation.
There you see, this could be a bank robery or possibly even a murder.
This ain't no podunk little town.
And Barbrady, your wife called, she wants you to get some pizza on the way home.
God damn it! Ok people, move along, there's nothing to see here.
- What's the trouble, where's the body? Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens.
- My god that's disgusting! - Whoa dude.
Who'd have sex with a chicken? Uh boys you move along, this isn't for young eyes to see.
- Did you get a good look at the suspect? Naw, I didn't see anything.
It just happened so fast.
Well, uh.
This is quite interesting, huh guys? Uh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond.
- Aww, camel poo.
- Hey what's this? - It looks like a note.
- Give me that! - That's a clue and you'll get your stinky DNA all over it.
- What does it say? "Sorry I had sex with the chicken.
I won't do it again, bye-bye.
" - Well there you have it, case closed.
- Damn it Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Everytime something happens in this town you say 'Nothing to see here' and 'Case closed'.
But we want justice! We have to find this sicko.
I said return to your homes, before I start arresting people.
For what? Orderly conduct? - How about fishing without a license? - I'm not fishin'! What do you call this then? If you do not comply I'll be forced to execute each and everyone of you by gun shots in the head.
That's right return to your simple lives.
Just forget this ever happened.
Forget, forget.
- Wow, Barbrady sure is acting weird.
- Yeah, I wonder what's wrong? Welcome to Fran's, can I help you? - Sir, can I help you? - Uh, just give me 2 cheeseburgers and some jalepeno poppers.
- Sir there is just one problem.
- What's that? We're a bank.
I know that smarty-pants! What do you think I'm some kind of idiot?? Yes.
I can't go on living this life.
With chicken after chicken being violated the South Park police are under increasing presure to solve the case of the chicken fucker.
We now go live to a press conference where Offier Barbrady and the mayor are fielding questions.
Officer Barbrady what would drive a man to such a disgusting act? Well nobody can say for sure, no motive has yet been established.
- Do the police have any leads? - Well most 3D computer modeling and attempted sizemology have not given us any leads as of yet.
- But has chicken fucker left any clues at the crime - Alright! Alright! I can't read!! There I said it.
I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed and now you all know my terrible secret.
I'm illegitemate.
I'm not fit to be a policeman.
I retire! Ok, thank you all for coming there's ah coffee and brownies out front.
And so Officer Barbrady is taken a leave of abcense, and South Park will have to manage without any police force for a while.
This just in! South Park has plunged into total anarchy.
Exactly 2 seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town.
- Whoopee! This is killer! - With no cops around, we can do whatever we want! - Whoa dude.
What's going on? - I don't know.
Oh my god! They've killed Oh, nevermind.
I don't believe it.
All this time Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful.
- Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
- He is.
- What do you plan to do about the South Park riots? - No reason for concern.
I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady is still are active police enforcer.
- VBut he's illiterate.
What do you plan to do? - Ahh.
plan? I don't actually Reading classes.
Plain and simple.
By the mayor's order Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absense to learn to read.
Effective immidiately.
Yes that's right.
It's back to school with Officer Barbrady! Now children we have a new student joining us today.
Please say hi to Officer Barbrady.
- I can't see dude! Ok now since our focus has been on readin let's review some of the basics.
- Yes what is it? - I need to go poopies.
Officer Barbrady in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.
Oh Christ, how do you kids do it? Now does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady? - How about a brain transplant? - Now Kyle let's be supportive of our new student.
Give him the nourturing environment he needs to thrive.
Now I'm going to write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
Give it a shot Officer Barbrady.
BZZZT! Wrong! Try again dumbass! Ok, ok, maybe we should try something a little easier.
We can work our way up to the hard ones.
Go ahead Barbrady, don't be scared.
- BZZT! DERRR! Did you hear that Mr.
Hat? - I sure did Mr.
Garrison! What a retard! - Did you kids actually learn how to read this way? - No, we just fake it to shut him up.
Ok, ok, alright, I'm sorry, let's try again.
Say, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this? Now children I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports.
Who should we have go first Mr.
Hat? Let's see.
- Oh how about Stan or Kyle? - Eric why don't you go first? - What's the matter Eric, you no prepared again? - I'm prepared! For my book report I read The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.
It was, very, very good.
Have you read it Mr.
Garrison? - No, I can't say that I have.
- Oh good.
I the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe a bunch of uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff.
They eat lunch and then they find a magical.
camel which they have to eat to stay alive.
And that's pretty much it, I give it a B minus.
- And I give you an F Eric, now sit down.
- God damnit!! Ok Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report.
I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel "Go Dog, Go!" I found it a compelling and disturbing look the canine psychie.
If I may read a passage: Big dog little dog A red dog, on a Well anyway, I don't wanna give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist turn that parallels my own life.
Thank you Officer Barbrady, that was a very good book report indeed.
I'll give you an A.
- Hooray! - Goody-two-shoes! Swingset, swingset, up and down I go.
Whoosh goes the willie-wind, flowing through my toes.
- Dude, I think Officer Barbrady enjoys being in school too much.
Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read? Swingset, swingset up and down I go! Officer Barbrady! What are you doing? Oh my god! They killed - Oh nevermind.
- Well how's the reading coming along? - Uh, pretty good.
- Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up! - The chicken fucker struck again last night! - Oh no! Oh mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the chicken lover.
This time he made love to Karla Weather's pride chicken.
She's catatonick.
- Who, Karla Weathers, or the chicken? - The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
Oh I can't read this, it has silent E's.
- You have to learn to read faster Barbrady! - I'm doing the best I can! I even got a A on my book report! Listen buddy! Either you learn to read quick or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever! - Hey what'd you do that for? - Ahh, just dramatic effect, sorry.
Oh boy, I'm in big trouble.
I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.
- It's cool dude, we'll help you.
- Hey that's right, you can help me.
Under article 39 section 2 of police code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of chrisis.
- Really? I wann be a cop! - You boys will be my deputies.
You can help me restore order, catch the chicken lover and swing me on the swingset.
- Do I get a nightstick? - Sure, nightsticks for everybody! You keep a tab on crime in the city.
And we'll try to solve the chickenlover case.
Now what did that clue say again? If you want to know where I'll strike next, read bumbly wumbly and the spotted spacecraft.
To the booktastic bus deputies! We haven't a moment to spare.
Good day friends! Welcome to the magical world of reading.
We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Space Craft right away! Ooh! That's a very magical book, full of wonders Ah just give us the damn book, fruitcake! - What's it say? - It says - What's this word? - I.
Oh yeah, I mmmaa mma.
Here give me that! I am bumbly wumbly.
I live in the pond.
- The pond.
Hey maybe that means Stark's Pond.
That's quick thinking deputy.
Let's get to Stark's Pond Immidiately.
- Yes, officer? - I caught you at - Do you know what speed limit it hea? Well according to that sign right there it's 40 miles and hour.
- Step out of the car please, sir.
- Wait a second, aren't you Stan's little friend? Sir, step out of the car, please.
Yeah, you're the one that always plugs up the toilet in our house.
Ay! I am a cop and you will respect my authoritay.
Yeah right.
You better get back to school little boy.
Get your ass to jail! Hey what the hell are you doing? You can't do that? - Aww, weak dude.
We're too late.
- Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
Well this is terrible.
Now who would have sex with a chicken? I would! Oh you couldn't screw anything Halfy, you don't have any legs! Have some respect for people's feelings would you Halfy? Come one dudes, we need to look for another clue.
- Here, here, I found one! - What's it say, what's it say? - It says, read Teetle the timid tata.
the taxi.
what's this word? - I don't know.
I read it! I read it all by myself! Well I've been working this beat for about 3 days now.
You definitly have to have pretty thick skin or else people just walk all over you.
Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them.
- Hi there little lady.
- What, what are you doing tonight? Well hopefully spending some time with you gorgeous.
Is $20 enough? - Sir? Step out of the car, please.
- What? Uh-oh, is this a bust? Sir? Step out of the car.
- Hey wait a minute, you're just a kid.
- Maybe this will teach you to listen to authoritay.
OW! OOOWW! Hey man what are you doing? Ow! Stop it! Well sometimes upholding the law is not easy, but you get there one day at a time.
I got a TV.
C'mon! Teetle, the timid taxidermist, loves to Oh god damn reading is lame! - How's it going dude? - Terrible! I give up.
- I'm not fit to be a cop.
- Come on dude, it's not that hard.
- It is too! - Just read the sentence.
Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet, pet - Come on dumbass! You can do it! - Pet wait a minute.
Conjugate the verb.
Conjugate the verb.
Yes, conjugate the verb.
Petting petting zoo! He loves to go to the petting zoo!! Boys, we're off! All units, all units: 5-12 at 635 Avenue De Los Mexicanos 635.
Request assistance.
- Sir, could you step out of the car please? - We're fine, officer.
- And, who's, who's in here with you? - Just me and my wife and my brother.
And my wife's cousin, and his son, and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids.
Hey Cartman.
And my brother's girldfriend's mother, and this guy Bob who I met last year.
Poor people tend to live in clusters.
- What? What did you say? - Nothing.
Now sir is there some kind of I want him out of my house! He ain't workin' shit! He can't even hold a fuckin' job! Shut up bitch! Ok, ok let's try to watch the language there's children present hea.
You lazy ass mother fucker! - Look what she did to my fuckin' eye! - I'll do it again! Come on mom, beat him up! Mom hit dad again! Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to calm everybody down.
RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY!! Come on Cartman beat 'em up! All units, all units! We have a 520 on the suspect.
Report to the South Park petting zoo imidiately.
Chicken lover.
Keep your eyes peeled boys.
Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
- Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
- Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
Oh no! Keep your eyes peeled.
Look! - He's here! - Grab him! Uh, can't this thing go any faster?? Uh! Oh my god! They've killed Oh, it didn't even touch me.
- God damn it! - I knew it was you all along Richard Nixon! I think that's a mask dude.
Whoa dude! It's the bookmobile driver! - Caught you red-handed! - Indeed you did! How did you know I would strike here? - By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.
You did? Really? Then it worked.
My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly! - What are you talking about, dude? - When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow.
So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading.
-So you fucked a bunch of chickens? - Yes! Yes exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
- That doesn't make a whole lot of sence, dude.
- Oh no? He who is blind cannot see.
I got Officer Barbrady to read, my plan worked perfectly.
Well I guess I should say, thanks? You're welcome! And now my reading friend you've proven that you are ready for the big time.
I give you this hardback copy of Atlas Shrugged by Ann Ryand.
- Freeze put your hands in the air! - Cartman! I got the reports that the suspect is in this area.
Well, he is.
It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens.
- Ow! That hurts! - Whoa dude! - Cartman! No, no, that's not how you uphold the law.
But he is not listening to my authoritay! Oh, oh you've got it all wrong my little friend.
You do it like this: You gotta get 'em in the head.
They go down quicker.
I guess you should leave policework to the professionals, huh Cartman? Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties.
I've proved that I can read and now I'm back on the job! Hey! So what are you gonna do now? Now? Well, I uh I think I'll get in the bathtub and then curl up with a good book.
In today's news, South Park has a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the chicken fucking case.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you! Speech! Speech! - What? - They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady.
About the whole experiece over the last couple of days.
Oh ok.
Well first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that borne me, and eventually will rob me of my life precious.
Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read: Your days are numbered!! And finally, I'd like to say that reading totally sucks ass! Yes at first I was happy to be learning how to read, it seemed exciting and magical.
But then I read this.
Atlas Shrugged by Ann Ryand.
I read every last word of this garbage and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again! Hooray for Barbrady! - Wow, I guess reading really does suck ass.
Hey, that's what I've been saying all along you guys.
I'm just glad everything turned out OK.
And Barbrady got his job back.
- It's poetic justice.
- Thanks boys!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode