South Park s03e05 Episode Script

This is shop class! My name is Mr.
Adler! For the next week, rather than your normal school work, you will be learning how to make things! Now, does anybody know why you are in shop class?! Because we had to choose between this and Home Ec and we didn't want to be sissies? Wrong! You are here, because you are America's future! You may someday be doctors or lawyers or scientists! Most of you however will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal! And that's why we have shop class! Now, let me make one thing crystal clear! I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop class, you could loose a hand or an arm! I have a I have a Mr.
Adler?! I was just saying that I want to know who's the biggest troublemaker in your class! - Tweek is! - No I'm not! Yeah you are, Tweek! You always get in trouble! Uh, hello! Excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class! That true, Craig? You a troublemaker? - No! Well, you better not be, because in shop class y - Hey! Did you just flip me off?! - No.
- Yes you did! - Told ya! Dude, shop class sucks! Maybe we should've taken home ec! No way, dude! Home ec is for girls! Welcome to Home Ec! For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacey and pretty! - Yes, Wendy? - I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here! That's right, Wendy! You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers, but all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man, and that's why we have Home Ec! Wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class! I don't know! He's such a wus! Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much! You know, y'guys were totally wrong about Tweek! Craig is way worse than he is! No he's not, dude! Craig is a wus! Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass! - You wanna bet? - Yeah, I'll bet! - How much? - Five bucks! You're on! Dude, because you have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him? He doesn't look like he wants to fight me! Craig, can I talk to you real quick? Eh, just a second! Jusjus.
I'm not normally want to get involved in this kind of thing, but, well I was just standing over by Tweek and he called you a big poop eater! - He did?! Yes! He said you eat poop and it makes your breath smell like poop and that well you like it! - Why would he say that?! - I don't know, Craig! I don't know! But, now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop eater and he chooses you! - Well, I gotta go over there and! - No! No, Craig! Y-you can't fight him here! Mr.
Adler will just break it up! Tell ya what! I'll go tell him that you accept his challenge and set it up for after school instead! Okay! - There! You see? He just flipped you off! - What a jerk! - He's really got it out for you, dude! - Why! Wha'did I do?! - So, do you agree to fight him after school? - I guess so! Super! See ya there! Catch me, Richard! I'm so in love with you, Richard! I made you some cookies, Richard! Merry Christmas, Richard! Oh, Richard! Say we will be this happy forever! Oh, why?! Why?! Mr.
Adler! Mr.
Adler! S-stop screwing around! The bell rang! Can we go? - Whoa! Uh well, sure! Uh, class dismissed! - C'mon, you guys! This is gonna be sweet, dude! You guys are so wrong about Tweek! He's gonna get his ass kicked! - We'll see! - Why don't we just raise our bets to TEN dollars?! - You're on, fatass! Well, well, well! Look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Kenny! Hi, you guys! What's going on? - How come you wanna take home ec, Kenny?! - Yeah! That's not cool, dude! Bye, Kenny! See ya tomorrow! Hey, what's going on?! - Tweak and Craig are gonna fight! - Really?! Cool! It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago! What?! - Yeah! They left! - Hell! - Those sons of bitches! - I guess they don't wanna fight! - They wanna fight! They just don't know it yet! Wha'd'ya guys want?! How come you didn't show up to the fight, Tweek?! Craig and I have no reason to fight each other! - Well, Craig showed up! - He did?! Yeah! He was standing there waiting for you and he was all like: "Man! Tweek's a wus!" and we were all like: "No he's not, Craig!" and he was all like: "Yeah he is! He isn't showing up! He's a wus and he has crooked teeth!".
I don't have crooked teeth! And then, Craig was all like "Tweek is scared of me! He's a big chicken" and he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken.
So everybody in the world saw it! - Everyone in the world?! - Yeah! It was weak! - I'm not a chicken! - Well, everyone in the world thinks you are! See ya, Tweek! - Wait! I'll fight! - Tomorrow?! Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek! Red Racer's on! - Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week! I do watch Red Racer every day of the week! Well, that's fine! I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom! Goddammit! Oh! I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your guinea pig! What?! What did he say about Strype?! Oh, nothing except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed! That son of a bitch! I'll kill him! Yeah, I'd be pissed too! So maybe we should re-schedule the fight for tomorrow! - After Red Racer! - After Red Racer, of course! How was school today, son? That's great! Dad! If some kid at school wants to fight me, what should I do?! Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met! You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother! And she used to be very attractive! It's true! I was! When I started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quid who didn't take too kindly to me! He wanted your mother all to himself! And so one day, he challenged me to a fight! - Well! - Well what, honey? What happened?! - I don't know! He moved away or something! - Yes, I think that's right! You guys never help me! Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out! Dad! I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow! - With who? - Some kid! - Oh! - Don't just "Oh!" him, Thomas! - Don't just "Oh!" me! I'll "Oh!" whoever I want! Well, that was fun, Pearl! Se ya later! - Richard, aren't you going to invite me in? - Why? Well, I thought maybe you would at least attempt to make love to me tonight! I can't! I-I left the oven on! Oh, Richard! Why can't you open your heart to me? Why?! Because I can't! Oh, I know! I have genetal warts! - We'll use plastic wrap! - Nope! Sorry! Maybe some other time! Swing me, Richard! Swing me higher! I wanna touch the sky, Richard! Richard, I'm here! Just now! Oh, Richard, it's beautiful! Yes! But you have to come see me glide tomorrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot! It's what I do! Oh, now! What am I gonna do! Okay! So, just to set the records straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30.
Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45! Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last? However long Craig wants it to last! Ma-Make no mistake! Craig has been ready for this fight since day one! He doesn't even view it as a challenge! He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked! Huh, did you hear that? It sounds like diarreah comming out of someone's mouth or something! - Shut up, fatass! Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! Wow! Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh! This will be a good fight.
On your first day, look at the man's shoes! Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes! When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you.
If he only has one credit card, beware! It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card! If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy! The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is two! Yes, Bebe! What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or lawyer, but is still getting his degree? Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats! When I have you guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the world! That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass! Well, if I get ten bucks from each of you, that's like two thousand dollars! - Hey! Quit screwing around back there! You're horsing! Swing me, Richard! Swing me higher! Richard, I'm here! Oh, Richard, It's beautiful! Yes! But you have to come see me glide tomo- rrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot! It's all for you.
- Mr.
Adler! MR.
ADLER! - Huh?! Uh, what! Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander! The belt sander?! Tommy, I told you not to screw around with the belt sander! didn't I?! Well, go on! Go see the nurse! She'll give you some peroxide! What's that?! Huh?! Oh, this is a woman that I knew a long time ago! What?! She died or something?! What!? Hey! Go on! You're screwing around in here! Oh, boy! Here we go! - What's happening?! - Tweek's gonna fight Craig! - Oh, cool! Stay pissed, Tweek! Stay Pissed! Alright! Here we go! Time for you to get proven wrong, fatboy! You're gonna be eating those words, asshole! No, I won't, becasue you'd eat them first, tubby! Well?! Come on! Yeah! If you're gonna do it, do it! Wha'do we do? Wha'do you mean, wha'do you do? Just fight each other! - How?! - How?! - I've never been in a fight before! - Me neither! Aw, dude! Come on! You just hit each other! Smack each other around! - Ah! Well, not like that! - Like what, then! Alright, alright! Screw this! We have to postpone the fight so Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight! - All that build-up for nothing! - Yeah, Christ! I could've been home by now! Alright, Tweek! We'll teach you how to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig! Well, I don't think that's very fair! If I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek! Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm gonna have my Uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box! Boxing's scary y'guys! I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts! - Fine! We'll see you back here tommorrow! - Fine! Fine! That's fine! Alrighty, Tweek! My little nephew Stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing! You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion until a granade blew his arm off! MmmmmI can still kick ass! Now, Tweek! Boxing is a man's sport! There's nothing in the world more man than Boxing.
It is man at his most man! So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most man part of you! Well, enough of the lectures! Let's get to boxing! What'chyou got, beeatch? Keep your guard up, Tweek! C'mon, Tweek! He's only got one arm! Alright! Looks like we'll have to apply the Offendheimer Technique for Tweek here! Mmmm What'chyou got, beeatch? Punch him in the balls, Tweek! Atta boy! Now, quick! Hit him again while he's down! Good! Now, kick his balls! There! See?! You got him coughing up blood! Now, that's boxing! Your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of Sumo! You must learn dicipline and respect! In Sumo, your body must be like a stone, and your mind like meatloaf! The object is simply to push opponent out of circle! - Is opponent ready?! - I'm ready! God! I like this hair thing! This is cool! Let us begin! Ready!? And begin! Respect my authoritah! Body like stone! Mind like meatloaf! Oh! C'mon, you! Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Fight back! Resist the ass! - How can I resist it?! Ass so great! - It is only an ass! You must overcome the ass with your mind! This ass is not like any I've encountered, master! I win! There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric! Perhaps you should concider Sumo as a profession! Hey, maybe! No! No! Make it stop! Oh, Richard! Say we'll be this happy forever! But you have to come see me glide tomo- rrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot! Watch me, Richard! Ani jsem jí neøekl sbohem.
Oh, no! Now what do I do! Okay! That was very good, class! Now, let's try this one together! "Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?" "Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?" Alright! Now, let's try this one together! "Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car!" "Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car!" Good! Bebe, why don't you try this one! "I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life!" "I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life!" Outstanding! Now, Kenny! How 'bout you try?! "I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!" Okay! Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick? Kenny, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but I'm not sure Home Economics is right for you! - No! Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average, and frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very well good! - They're not?! No! I think you should concider transferring to shop class! - Shop Class?! Now, now! Very few students are severely injured in shop class! I DON'T WANNA GO TO SHOP CLASS!!! C'mon! It's time for the fight! Fight?! Oh, no, no, no! Girls! Haven't I taught you anything?! Okay! The time has finally come! Programs! Get your programs here! Programs! Remember, Tweek! Punch hard, punch low! This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek! Mean! Aah! The spirit of the dragon is in your hand! Hersherdeshurta.
Hurlonghurta.
- Alright? - Okay! Now, listen to me! Herterdeterter! Alright! I'm seriously! Herpangdepongtonqwa! Y'ready, Tweek?! Y'ready, Craig?! Let's get it on! Respect my authority! C'mon, Tweek! C'mon, Craig! To whom it may concern.
I can no longer live without her! I could not say goodbye to her, and so now I must say goodbye to all of you! For I am all out of nicotine gum! Sincerely yours, Richard Adler.
Shop Class.
P.
S.
Don't screw around! You all screw around too much! Goodbye, cruel world! Jesus Christ! What was I thinking?! That would've hurt like hell! Kick Ass! Go, Tweek! Kick his ass! C'mon, Tweek! You got him! - Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?! - What?! Craig just called you a boner! We just have to keep thowing gas in the fire! Hey! This shop class?! - What?! Who are you?! "Kenny McCormic has been transferred from Home Ec to Shop Class.
" Well, alright! Get some safety goggles and making a corner with the jigsaw over there! - What the! - There they are! Hey! What's going on?! Tweek and Craig are fighting! We're just watching! - Well, why the hell don't you stop them?! - He has ten bucks riding on it! Don't screwing around! Stop screwing around! Hey! You're screwing around too much! - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! - You Bastards! Oh, don't just stand there! Call an ambulance! You see?! You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?! What?! What's that, son?! No! No! Please don't go! I need you! I can't live without you! Richard! You have to move on! I want you to be happy! But, I can't! I never got to say goodbye! Then say it now, Richard! Goodbye? - There! Now do you feel better? - No.
Of course, you don't! Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything! It's the time we spent together that really matters, not how we left it! YouYou're right! You're right! Richard, this is Grandma! Grandma? Hi, Gram! You never said goodbye to me either! Hey, Richie! Remember me?! Uncle Corey! Wow! You're all alive again! No, we're dead! I love you, Richard! See you soon! Thank you! Thank you for freeing me! I feel like now I can move on! Baby, I feel so much better! I feel so alive! Thank you, Baby! Thank you! Dude! this is pretty fucked up right here! Hi! We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig! Oh! Well I suppose a quick visit is okay! Maybe you kids can cheer them up! Hey, guys! How're you feeling? Well uh, we just came by because we had something to tell you! Yeah! See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest! We made up all that stuff we said to get you guys mad at each other! Yes! You can flip us off, Craig! We deserve that! We just came came by to apologize! We feel so bad! Boy, do we ever! So I guess we'll be going now! And we'll just live with the knowledge that you're both kinda sissies! - Well, I mean, that's what was on the news.
- What was on the new?! Oh! You didn't see it! Oh! Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wus you are, Craig! Yeah! And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wus! And he punched Tweek's Mom in the hooters! - You son of a bitch! - I'm gonna kick your ass! - C'mon, Tweek! You got him! - Hibosukitai! Hibosukitun! Hurishurtung!