South Park s04e05 Episode Script

Cartman Joins NAMBLA

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Okay stan, i'm going to give you A "u.
Crash-Landing" card, You can deny it or cover it up.
Dude, i don't understand this gameat all.
It's "investigative reports of bill curtis fun time game", You have to deny it or cover it up.
Uh, deny it.
Okay, let's see what bill curtis says.
Hello, i'm bill curtis.
Many believe that the u.
Government Covered it up, i'm bill curtis.
All right, cartman, i'm going to give you A "jail time card", you lose a turn.
Oh yeah, well, i'm going to give you Aids.
What? I just gave aids? You aids.
Dude, that's not cool, don't give kyle aids.
Kyle has aids and now loses Kenny, your dad and i are thinking about having another baby.
Wouldn't you love to have another brother or sister? No.
We just might work on it later tonight.
Goddammit, poor people suck! Your family is already on welfare And now you're going to bring another kid into the world.
Poor people are churning out babies, adding on to over-Population And expectingmeto pay for it with my tax dollars.
You don't pay tax dollars, cartman, you're 8.
You see, this is just what i've been talking about! I can't even relate to you guys anymore because you're too immature.
What? Hanging out with friends That are a little more intelligent and understand Politics and stuff.
It's just that i'm up on this level, up here And all my friends are down here.
You don't know what you're talking about, fat ass! No, no, no, me, "nah", you guys, "nah".
Maybe more down, down "nah".
Screw you guys, i'm going home! I'm bill curtis.
I've outgrown all my friends, I need to meet more mature people, cloud frog.
Oh, great idea, cloud frog! I can meet new friends on the internet.
Here's a chat room.
"Men who like young boys", that's perfect! Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friends! I'll pick tony316.
Hi, tony.
Oh, you know the usual stuff.
Smiley face.
Kewl, wanna get together? Smiley face.
Sure, tony, that would be cool.
Winking smiley face.
Sounds good, see you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley face.
You see that cloud frog! Tomorrow i'm going to meet my first mature friend.
Hi, are you tony? Yeah, you're eric? Yeah! I brought you some candy.
Wow, cool! And some books on kama sutra.
Neato, having older friends kicks ass! You see i've really been having a tough time, I've kind of matured faster than my other friends, We don't really relate anymore and - Uh, all my friends seem so childish now, you know.
Do you like having your back rubbed? Yeah, that seems really nice, thanks.
Hold it right there, scum bag! Huh? We monitored your little "on-Line chat", Now you're coming with us.
No! What the hell just happened? You can't eat kenny, we have to save food for the baby.
Your mom and i are going out for a few weeks, kenny, take care of the baby.
Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers! You have to share your room with the baby! The baby, the baby, the baby! Huuuh! Stop it.
Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again.
Oh, all right.
Dad, i want to play catch.
Huh? Oh, i'll play catch with you later, son.
I want to play now! Oh, go ahead, we can make love afterwards.
Oh, all right.
All right, here comes a pop fly, see if you can catch it.
Good job, now throw me one.
Oh! Blech! What happened? He smacked me in the balls.
Oh, oh! Woo-Hoo! Blech! Okay, we'll try this again.
This one looks good, "hung daddy".
Hello, hung daddy! Damn dude, this guy is tiny, he must be a dwarf.
Sorry, i'm not interested in being friends with midgets.
Frowny face.
How about this one? Mr.
Hammer head? Hi, there.
Garrison! Ahh, eric! You want to be my friend? Oh, crap! That's cool, we can hang out, what do you want to do first? Nothing, nothing! All right, scum bag, we got you.
Hey, ah! Good thing you guys came.
This little boy was trying to have his way with me.
Nice try, buddy, we monitored your little "on-Line chat", Now you're coming with us.
No! Why the hell does the f.
Keep arresting all my friends? This has to be the work of stan and kyle.
God, i hate those guys! See, i told you, dude! Those are dialysis machines.
Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube And it sucks all their body fluids out.
Oh, man, that's terrible! I know, huh? Put your mouth against the glass, like this.
Wah! Yeah, haaa! Bleh-Leh-Leh-Leh! Wha-La-La-La-La! All right, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing? We're making faces at sick people.
No! I mean what the hell are you doing? Why are all my mature adult friends being mysteriously arrested, huh? We don't know.
I'll tell you why! Because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, So you started a government conspiracy against me! We don't know what you're talking about, lard butt.
Lard butt, oh, that's so mature.
God, i guess i was wrong about you guys, huh? You're not more mature than us, cartman.
Yes, i am! I'm telling you this is all a terrible mistake, officer barbrady.
Well, the f.
I said i have to hold you here, So that's what i'm going to do, mr.
Oh! Do you like having your back rubbed? Eat me, pervert.
We demand you release these men at once.
Who are you? We are "nambla", The north american man-Boy love association And we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping.
Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters.
Loving young boys has been around since the time of the romans, pal.
There's nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing That sex between a man and a young boy can be a beautiful thing! Yeah! Yeah! Uh, i don't know who you are, But these men aren't going any where until i hear from the f.
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer, yeah.
Okay, people, i think you'd better move along before i arrest more of you.
All these men wanted was to love a young boy, There is nothing wrong with love.
I did not want love from a young boy, I like men my own age.
Ah! I mean- I like women, what did i say? Oh god, i love titties! You haven't heard the last of us, officer.
Together we are strong.
Come on, men! Yeah! Yeah! Well, they got activists for everything these days.
I've done it, kevin! I've successfully gene-Spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese.
Do you know what this means, kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places For squirrels and provolone cheese.
No more will mankind have to pick- Who could that be? Why, it's little eric cartman.
Doctor mefesto, i need help.
Of course, come in.
See, unfortunately, i have matured faster than all my friends.
I want to hang out with older friends, but i can't find any.
So i was wondering if you can geneticly engineer some older friends for me.
Oh, eric, i'm afraid it's not that simple.
Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state Where i can just make people.
Damn it, but i want to hang out with older guys! Oh, well,i happen to be a member of an organization that can help you.
It's called "nambla".
"Nambla"? Yes, i've been a member for several years.
I'm sure they'll let you join, you look about right.
Okay, thanks, sure.
Doctor mefesto! Fellow members of "nambla", As you know, we continue to be discriminated against.
Recently the f.
Has started to arrest men Who are doing nothing more than than trying to start A sexual relationship with a young boy.
Oh! Oh! Oh! And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals and women Are protected under civil rights laws, We want the same! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What we need isproof that young boys want to be members of "nambla".
That theywant love from us.
We need a poster child.
To show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing- Ooooh! Can we help you? Yes, i'd like to join your fine organization, is that cool? You do? Sure.
Thank you, thank you, jesus! Sweet.
Whah! Bleh! Bleh! Le-Le-Le-Le! Buh! Well, kenny, the doctor confirmed it.
I'm pregnant! You're going to have a little brother or sister.
Yup, it's for sure.
And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too.
Don't be out too late, kenny.
We need to start moving stuff out of your room.
Wow, your mom's pregnant, kenny! Yeah, now what are you going to do? I don't know, hmm-Hmm-Hmhm-Hm-Hmm.
? Nyah-Nyah-Nyah? ? Nyah-Nyah-Nyah? ? I got into "nambla"? ? And you guys didn't? What are you talking about, fat ass? Oh, no big deal, i just found a group called "nambla" With adult members and they all think i'm so mature They wantmeto be their new poster child, is all.
It looks like i'm finally going to have mature friends who i can relate to.
? Nyah-Nyah-Nyah nyah-Nyah-Nyah? ? I'm too mature for you guys? ? Nyah-Nyah-Nyah nyah-Nyah-Nyah? Can i help you, young lady? Oh, you want "morning after" abortion pills.
Well, they're right over there.
Thanks! I'm sorry, young lady, But i can't sell that to you without permission from your parents.
Well, all righty then, cash or charge? Cool.
Look, mom, i made you something to drink.
Oh, well, that's very sweet of you kenny, You made my favorite drink for me.
But, unfortunately, now that i'm pregnant i can't drink.
Well, i could still drink.
No, daddy.
Oh, that hits the spot.
Makes me forget all about my shattered balls.
What, what's the matter? Why don't you go make me another one of- Oh! What's the matter? Uh-Oh! Oh god, i'm gonna crap my pants! Oh, god! Oh, my balls.
Blech! Oh, god! Just a few more pictures, eric.
You make a perfect poster child.
Thanks, dude.
Hey eric, we have a surprise for you.
We want you to have a big dinner and dance Honoring you as our new poster child.
Really, awesome! Yes, and we want you to, umm Invite all your young male friends.
Oh, yes.
Aww! Well, sure, i have some friends who want to be mature Excluding stan and kyle, of course.
Great, now you go and invite your little friends And we'll get the hotel ready.
Kickass! Kenny, don't forget to clean out your room, So we can paint it for the baby! Hey, are you feeling down, you need some excitement! And north park funland has just opened its newest ride, "The john denver experience"! You'll be "rocky mountain high" with this, The most extreme, insane ride ever built! It was fun.
Note: people with heart conditions and expectant mothers Should not ride "the john denver", open now, come on down! Mom! Are you sure you should be going on this thing.
Oh, it's all right.
You know, i think kenny's been a little worried about the baby, We have to show him that he's still our little boy.
What'd he say? Whoa! Oh god, my nose, i think i broke my nose.
Come on stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom.
Oh, i'm not going to make it, i'm going to be sick.
Oh, my stomach.
Oh, my nose.
Oh, stan and kyle, just the guys i wanted to see, My "nambla" organization is having a very important benefit in my honor.
They are? We're going to have a big mature party at this hotel And i can invite all my mature friends that i want.
And that means i'm going to invite everybody, Except for you guys! ? Nyah-Nyah-Nyah nyah-Nyah-Nyah? We don't want to go to some stupid adult meeting anyway.
Well, that's nice, because you can't go.
We don't want to go.
You can't go.
We don'twant to go.
No, youcan'tgo.
Hey clyde, butters, check this out! Dude, maybe wedoneed to start being more mature.
Yeah, i guess we've got to try to get in that club, too.
You're doing fine, ms.
It's all right, kenny.
Come see the miracle of life.
Ewww! I can see his head.
You can? Push now, push hard! Oh, my god! What is it! It's alive! Oh, my god! It killed kenny! Bad baby, bad! Hmm? That does it! Oh, hi kenny, what are you doing? What are you doing kenny? Kenny, what are you going to plunge? Grrrrr! Ahhhh! Kenny, what the hell are you doing? What the hell? Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? This is for mature people only.
We got invited too, fat ass.
Well, i guess nowadays they allow any old schmucks into "nambla".
Fellow nambla members, It is great to see you all here.
It seems like we have finally found a city that won't oppress us! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! First and foremost, i want to recognize eric cartman For putting us in touch with all you pretty young boys.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Now, i know that many of us have already found partners in this fine city And i'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members.
This is boring.
Hey, when are we going to get to some action, huh? Oooh! Ha-Ha! Goodness, what a gift from god.
We'll get to it very soon, i'll assure you.
But first, i'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress.
Yes, patrick.
I found a little 8-Year-Old named butters, He's a beautiful bright little boy.
Well, i sure am, i guess.
And his skin is as soft as fresh linen.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! That seems kind of weird.
Well, my skin is "springtime" soft, i suppose.
And how about you mr.
Harris? Well, i want to announce that i may have found the dream boy of the decade, He's sexy, sassy and full of spark.
His name is timmy.
Timmy! Tim-My? Well, members, i know we're all eager To get acquainted with our new partners.
So why don't we turn down the lights and start the dance.
All right, i want these perverted bastards all taken in, got it? Got it! Fellow nambla members, As the south park representative- Hold it right there! Nobody move! What's going on? All right, sickos, where are the children? What children? This is "nambla", yes.
Right? "The north american man-Boy love association".
What? No! We're "the north american marlon brando look-A-Likes.
" Oh crap, we've got the wrong "nambla".
Oh, damn it, i'm in the wrong place! Don't tell me that other "nambla" is actually in south park.
You know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to "nambla.
Yeah, those perverted bastards! Wow, you guys really dolook a lot like marlon brando.
Thank you.
Now, let's go get those other "nambla" bastards Before they hurt any south park children! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And let's kick their asses for stealing our domain name! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All right, members, that's enough of that.
It's time for for us all to retire to our respective rooms And get to know our new young boys.
All right! Dude, being mature is boring.
Yeah! Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs.
Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahahhh! Dude, i think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us! I know dude, let's get the hell out of here! Ah! There's more of them, quick hide! Okay, marlon brandos! They've got to be here somewhere, let's try this room.
Let's get those perverts.
Ah! Sacre bleu! Whoa! Ahhh! Ahhh! Kenny, no! Leave me alone! Mmm-Hmm-Mmm.
Kenny! This time i will not drop the food.
Where are the boys? Sacre bleu! I think the boys went in here.
Ah! Timmy! Maybe the boys are in here, oh boys! Ah! All right, you're under arrest! No, you've got the wrong "nambla" again.
Dammit! Hey, we didn't try that room.
Sacre bleu.
Dude, we're surrounded by perverts.
They're all over the place.
Timmy! What are we going to do? Well, cartman, you got everybody into this, You gotta figure a way to get everybody out.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Uhh, that's fine.
I know how to get us out.
How? Well, look those perverts aren't going to rest Until they've made love to one of us, right? So somebody is just going to have to go out there And take one for the team.
And i think in all fairness, it should be butters.
Huh, well, why me? Are you a team player or not? Yeah, sure, i'm a team player, i guess.
Well, butters, there is no "i" in team.
You mean you expect me to go out there and let all those horny old men Have their way with my fragile person? Just what team is this anyway? Just go, butters, we're running out of time.
Oh, all right then.
He's such a dumb ass.
All right, men, here i come.
I'm ready to take one for the team.
Kenny, kenny, i've had enough of your shenanigins! Ooh, one of the boys just came in! I get him first! What the-? Oh no! Ahhhhh! Are you all right, stuart? Don't touch me.
I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned And been made love to in the ass by 3 dozen 40-Year-Old men.
I just want to go home and take a hot bath.
We've been after you for a long time, buddy.
Do you know your rights? Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, i've learned something today, Our forefathers came to this country because they believed in an idea.
An idea called freedom.
They wanted to live in a place where a group Couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs.
Where a person can live the way he chooses to live.
You see us as being perverted because we're different from you.
People are afraid of us because they don't understand.
And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Dude, you have sex with children.
We are human.
Most of us didn't evenchooseto be attracted to young boys, We were born that way.
We can't help the way we are, And if you all can't understand that, well, Then i guess you'll just have to put us away.
Dude, you have sexwith children.
Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody And all that gay stuff, but dude, You.
Alright, that's enough, you're all going to be put away for a long time.
Well, cartman.
Well, what? Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing "nambla" here? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All right, all right.
I'm sorry i almost got you guys all raped, there.
And now do you still think you need to hang out with older, mature friends? No, i guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday, Just don't take too long.
Okay, let's roll.
Coo-Coochie-Coo coo-Coochie-Coo.
Our little angel, yes.
Oh, he's so beautiful! I know it's been hard on both of us, losing poor kenny.
But this knew baby kinda reminds me of him.
What should we name him? Well, seeing as though kenny passed away, Maybe we should name him Kenny.
Yes, kenny is such a great name.
My little kenny, a brand-New kenny.
God, this must have been the
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