South Park s04e08 Episode Script

Something You Can Do with Your Finger (a.k.a. Fingerbang)

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Tonight stellar productions presents The boy band of the decade It'sfingerbanglive from madison square gardens! ? Fingerbang bang? ? Fingerbang bang? ? Bang bang bang? ? I'm going fingerbang bang you into my life? ? Girl you like to fingerbang and it's all right? ? Because i'm the king of fingerbang let's not fight? ? I'm gonna fingerbang bang you every night? ? And girl you know that you're the only girl for me? ? Girl girl you're the girl of my fantasies? Cartman, i want you! ? You're my girl? ? Fingerbang bang? ? Bang bang bang? ? Fingerbang bang? ? Bang bang bang? ? I'm gonna fingerbang bang? Yeah.
Yes, yes, i'm a star.
I'm a star! I'm- Oh, i'm nobody, goddamn it! Wait a minute, maybe that was a sign from god.
That's it, isn't it? You want me to start a boy band, so i can make ten million dollars, don't you? That's it! Gentlemen, thank you for coming.
This is the beginning of a great time in our lives.
God has finally spoken to me, guys And he has told me how i can make $10,000,000.
How? Boy band.
Boy band? Boy band.
I'm not being in a faggy boy band.
There's nothingfaggyabout $10,000,000, asshole! This was a message from god! Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass! I've got prerecorded music we can sing to, just like they do.
All we need to do is practice our choreography over and over and over.
Shut up, kenny, and then i know i can get us a gig at the south park mall.
So everybody get in a straight line, We're going to listen to the song from the top and- Wait a minute, there's only four of us.
So? So all boy bands what? Have five members.
N'sync, backstreet boys, new kids on the block, All had five members.
He's right.
Damn it! Okay, okay, okay.
We'll put off practice for now and hold auditions for a fifth member.
Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morning.
Did you have fun at eric's house today, stanley? I guess.
What did you do? Well, cartman wants to start a boy band, So we're going to rehearse and then try to perform at the south park mall.
Oh, that sounds nice.
No, it doesnot soundnice.
Stanley, you are going to have nopart of that boy band.
But dad, all my friends are doing it.
If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do that too? Cartman says we can make $10,000,000.
You are not going to be in a boy band, stanley, and that is final! Geez, what's up dad's ass? ? Little bunny foo-Foo hopping through the forest? ? Scoopin' up the field mice and bopping 'em on the head? Down came the white angel and she said ? Little bunny foo-Foo i don't want to see you? ? Scoopin' up the field mice and bopping 'em on the head? So now i'm going to turn you into a worm Bu-Bunny foo-Foo, poof! ? Little wormy foo-Foo crawling through the forest? ? Gettin' scooped up by the field mice? ? And g-Gonna bop him on the head? Ah, thank you butters, we'll let you know.
I can do it again.
We'll let you know, butters.
Well, all right then.
Pff, oh my god, his intonation was so off! It was? Dude, i don't think i can sing any better than that.
Guys, if we're going to impress the mall owner and get that gig, We'd better do it better than that,next! Ah, next is ike brovlofsky.
Kyle's brother? I promised my mom i'd let him try.
Christ sake.
What key? "G".
? Itsy-Bitsy spider up the water spout? Next! ? Oh danny boy the pipes are calling? ? Clang clang? Next audition! ? E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-? Goddamn it, next! ? G-U-B, when the teacher wanna punch me? Not the next song, the next person! Oh, man, this is gonna be a long-Ass day.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Sorry, wendy, this is try-Outs for aboyband.
Oh, come on dude, let her try.
No way! Come on, cartman, you haven't liked anybody else.
Okay, okay, fine.
Wow me! ? Mrs.
Landers was a health nut, she cooked food in a wok? ? Mr.
Harris was her boyfriend and he had a great big? ?Cock-A-Doodle-Doodle the rooster just won't quit? ? And i don't want my breakfast because it taste like? ?Shitzusmake good house pets they're cuddly and sweet ? Monkeys aren't good to have because they like to beat their? ?Meetingin the office a meeting in the hall? ? The boss he wants to see you so you can suck his? ?Balzacwas a writer he lived with allen funt? ? Mrs.
Roberts didn't like him but that's because she's a? ?Contaminatedwater can really make you sick? ? Your bladder gets infected and blood comes out your? ?Dictatewhat i'm saying 'cause it will bring you luck? ? And if you all don't like it i don't give a flying? Thanks, wendy, don't call us, we won't call you either.
Dude, what are you talking about, that was awesome! Dude, she's a chick! Come on, nobody's going to notice.
What about herhuge freakin' hooters, huh? She's the best chance we have, i say she's in.
Me too.
Me too.
Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it? All right fine, she's in until she screws up.
Yeah! Okay, you guys all ready to rehearse? It's 6:00 in the morning, do we have to rehearse this early? We have to rehearse all that we can.
Now check this out, my mom made us costumes.
Costumes? Yeah, this one's yours stan.
This one is kyle's.
This one will cover-Up wendy's hooters.
Hey cartman, how come your costume has, like, nose-Rings and facial hair? 'Cause i'm like, you know, the tough one.
Every boy band has to have the one member that's, you know, is tough.
I want to be the tough one.
Kyle, you are the sweet one, will you please just cooperate and not- I wanna be thetoughone.
You can't be the tough one because you'rejewish! Jews are tough! Since when? Since abraham, fatass! All right, fine, here.
Jesus christ, i wonder if every boy band had to go through this.
Hey cartman, what does "fingerbang" mean anyways? I heard it on hbo, it means like, you know, When you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Mrlp-Mrhh-Mrr-Mrlp! Kenny says that's not what it means.
Okay, kenny, what does fingerbang mean then? What! Who the hell would do that! Jesus christ, grow up, kenny, would you? All right, boys, let's do it from the top.
One, two, three, four Now i know that this is your first day on the job of mall security, rookie.
Keeping the law in the mall is just like any tough city And especially because they don't let us have guns, It can be very dangerous.
All right, guys, just do it like we rehearsed.
We need energy, we need to be up! Excuse me, just where do you think you're going? We're going to see the mall manager.
Do you have the proper clearance? Uh-Oh, mall cops.
You have to make an appointment first.
Now move along, sir.
But we practiced for days! All we want to do is show the guy what we can do, So that maybe we'll have a chance to perform in the plaza of the- Ah, ah, oh! Ah, ah, oh, goddamn it! Jesus christ, dude! Oh, god, i can't see! Move along, sir, or i'll do it again.
You see, you put your life on the line every day.
Well, i guess we can't get in to see the mall manager.
The hell we can't! I'm not letting no washed-Up mall cops ruin my divine quest.
Come on! Hey! What are you doing? Nothing, just shopping.
Move along, sir.
You see, sometimes you gotta just do that, Keep shoppers on their toes, try it.
Hey! What are you doin'? Nothing, why? Move along, ma'am.
That's what being a mall cop is all about.
Yeah, cool.
Attention mall shoppers, The next 20 people to buy an orange smoothie Will also receive a complimentary nissan sentra.
Hurry up.
Ah! Jesus, they're gonna start a riot! All right, guys, here we go.
Hello, sir! What? Hey, who are you? We arefingerbang.
Oh, what? How'd you get in here? Hey! We would like to audition for you For a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall.
What? Oh, you want to play at the mall? Like tiffany? Sort of like tiffany, yes, can we audition? Oh, well, i guess.
What? All right, let's do it, boys! ? I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life? ? Girl, you like to fingerbang and that's all right? ? Going to fingerbang bang you every night? ? And girl you know, you girl, you girl, you're the girl-? ? Girl, you're the girl of my dreams? Okay, that's enough! ? You're my fantasy, my fantasy -? Thank you! So, can we play here? What? No.
No? Who? No.
Why not? Well, uh, oh Right now there's a cheese and sausage cart in the plaza, And i would - I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while.
What? You don't think we're any good, do you? No, i mean, Just not quite as good as sausage and cheese.
Well, come on guys, we gave it our best.
Wow, that was your best! Wow, i feel so rejected.
There you are! You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom And started an orange smoothie riot! Uh-Oh.
I will now read you your mall rights.
You have the right to shop at a variety of malls- Run for it! Go get 'em, rookie! Where is stan? Oh, he's over at eric's house practicing for his boy band.
What, i specifically told him not to do that! Now, randy, calm down, it's just a silly little dream.
They're not gonna actually make it.
And what if they do make it, sharon? What if they do make it? Are you going to be the one to tell him? Mom, what's up dad's ass? It's a long story, shelly.
Let's just say your father Has a lot up his ass right now.
Oh, oh, hello, eric.
Problem, chef, i have many problems.
Well, if you, uh, come back in just a little bit, eric, I'll see if i can help you out.
I just don't know what i'm going to do, Sometimes i just wonder if god is just toying with me.
All right, eric, what's the matter? Chef, god told me i was to start a boy band and make $10,000,000.
The problem is, it isn't working.
I mean i feel the music burning inside me, But i just can't express it right, you know.
Well, eric, i think you're just focusing in on the wrong thing.
Boy bands aren't about music.
Boy bands are created by corporations to make money, They're all based on "the garmlich effect".
What's "the garmlich effect"? The law of physics that states If one girl screams for something, It will make other girls scream And then it grows exponentiously Until all girls within a five-Mile radius are screaming.
So how do boy bands use that? All they do is make videos Showing tons and tons of girls screaming for the boy bands.
Once you get girls screaming, you can't stop 'em.
They're crazy.
Except for lillith, of course.
You're welcome.
Now go away.
Okay! And a cucumber in the pants never hurt either.
Cucumber in the pants, got it! All right everybody, listen up, this is how this first shot is gonna work.
The girls are standing here and then the members of the band walk by Lookingcool.
When you see us, you girls all scream like, "Oh, my god it's fingerbang, oh, my god!", okay? Are we going to get paid now or after? I'll pay you afterwards, promise.
Okay, timmy, roll camera! Timmy! Dude, what's wrong with your leg? Huh, oh chef said to put a cucumber down my pants for good luck.
Ah! Yay! Woo-Hoo! Wait, wait, cut! Ha-Ha-Ha! You have to go crazier than that.
I mean, you have to act like it's freakin' leonardo decaprio.
We wouldn't give a rat's ass if leonardo decaprio came walking passed us.
Yeah! Yeah! Fine, who would you go crazy for? Matt lauer.
Matt lauer.
Okay, fine, pretend that we're matt lauer.
Oh, okay! Okay, roll camera.
Timmy! Ah! Jesus christ! ? Fingerbang bang you every night? And cut! All right, our video is complete.
With the grace of god, i can now go back to that mall manager And show him what we've got! Okay, so, where's our money? Ah, kyle has it.
Stanley, what the hell are you doing? We're making a music video.
You get in the truck right now! Dad, i was just - Get in the truck! Dad, i did all my chores, why can't i play with my friends? Stanley, it's just that there's better things You can be doing on a saturday than singing and dancing.
You could be watching tv or laying in bed.
Dad, i like being in a boy band, i think it's interesting.
Well, there's plenty of other interesting things you can do.
Have you ever tried marijuana? No! Well, maybe it's time.
Dad! Hey! What are you doing? I've got a new strain of anthrax That i will see unleash upon all of north america.
Move along, sir.
Huh? Attention, shoppers, There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine, There are naked people at the orange- Oh! God damn it.
Hello again.
What? Oh, it's you, i don't like you.
I know you didn't loveour audition, But now we have a video.
Oh, what? If you would, sir, just watch this And prepare to be wowed.
Timmy! Goddamn it, our camera guy kinda sucks, But this next shot we did was really cool.
Ah! Timmy, livin' a lie! Son of a bitch! Hey, this video's dumb.
You don't understand, Girls were going crazy for us, please, This is what god wants me to do, please! All right, all right, what? Well, i guess i can move the sausage and cheese cart off to one side For a little while.
Really, you will? Only for That's all we need.
How about this afternoon at three o'clock? Oh, okay.
Yes, thank you, sir, you will not be disappointed.
Oh, mrs.
Cartman, i've been very bad, okay.
You have been bad, mr.
Mackey, So you're going to have to drink from this glass.
Oh, yeah, that makes me hot.
Oh, mom! Wow! What? It's not fair, dad, why can't i be in a boy band? Because i said so! Dad, cartman said we're going to perform in the mall at three o'clock, My friends are going to be pissed off at me.
Pissed off then.
I don't understand, just let me let me go do this one thing and i won't- No! No! Dad, what the hell is going on? I was I was 18 when my high school men's choir performed at the grand opening Of a sporting goods store in denver.
? Everything will wait? ? We are the little rains? I was just one of 15 members And i had no idea that a record producer was in the audience.
? The colorado trail? Kid, can i talk to you? Sure.
You were really great up there.
Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant mountain town.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, i'm putting together a rock group, Avocalgroup called "the ghetto avenue boys".
I think you would make a perfect member.
What, me, you like my singing that much? Yeah, i think your mustache is perfect.
How would you like to come to new york And start a singing career? Oh my god! I don't know.
I mean, i still have another year of high school.
Hey, look, if you don't want it, i'll keep looking.
No, wait, i mean i'll think about it.
I take it that means yes, call me in the morning.
And just like that, i left everything.
I dropped out of high school.
See ya! I said good-Bye to my girlfriend.
See ya! And i left my family.
See ya! And suddenly there i was, Thrown into a group with four other young men Who i didn't even know.
Take 112.
? You've got it, you know you've got it, girl? ? What you've got is it? The songs were terrible, But believe it or not the country ate them up.
The next thing i knew, We were the biggest thing in the world.
? What you've got is it? ? Now, give it to me 'cause? I had everything, a huge house And all the women you can imagine.
And then one day, just as quick as it started All right guys, let's take it from the top.
Hey, mr.
Hey, oh Uh, randy.
Who are they? These are "the avenue ghetto street boys".
My new boy band.
But, we're still selling records, right? Look, kid, You're just getting a littleoldto be in a boy band.
I'm 19.
Get a life, marsh! All right, guys, let's take it from the top.
They said that after all the money we had made We were in debt to the studio.
So they towed my car.
See ya! The women all left.
See ya! See ya! And they took back my house.
See ya! The only thing i could do was come back to colorado And face everyone that i had abandoned.
Hey, weren't you the guy in thatstupidboy band, "The ghetto avenue boys"? Sure, i remember you.
? You got it baby? ? You got it going on? And so, you see, stanley, Idoknow what i'm talking about.
Jesus christ, i never knew.
I didn't want you to know, because now i'm a joke.
Ever since then, i have wishedevery single day That i can go back to that moment when i was offered the job And sayno! Because all the fame, the money, the women, All it did was build me up, So that i could be knocked down harder than anybody in the world.
That's what being in a boy band is all about, stan.
It's people smothering you and embracing you and loving you And then spitting you out and throwing you away Like you were last night's pork chops.
Now, we wander the earth in disarray, Us, new kids on the block, the osmonds, We're all the same.
Andthatis why you can't go to the mall.
Wow, there must be at least Where the hell is stan? He'll be here, stan wouldn't douche.
I swear to god, if he ruins this dream of mine, I will have his nuts! Hey, are you gonna do that thing or what? Yes, yes, sir, any second, we're just waiting on one more member.
Well, hurry up, i can't keep the sausage and cheese cart off this spot much longer.
Yeah, we'll start right away.
We'll have to do it without him.
Hell no, i'm not being part of afourmember boy band! We'll look stupid.
Yeah! Oh, goddamn it! Dad? Huh, yeah? I just wanted to tell you That i don't think you're a joke.
I mean, whatever you used to be, You're just my dad And you're the best dad i've ever had.
Come here, stanley.
Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you From joining a boy band without explaining why.
I made some mistakes in my life And now i have to let you make your own mistakes.
You know, in a way, i think i was evenjealous of you being in a boy band.
Isn't that stupid? Not really.
Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.
Well, come on, i'll drive you down to the mall.
Really? What you guys can do.
And then we'll go buy you a small toy, so you can forget all about this.
All right! What's happening here? I don't know, i guess nothing.
Hmm, well then, let's walk away then.
Goddamn it, people are walking away! All right, kids, that does it.
You're gonna have to move and make way for the sausage and cheese cart.
Just another minute.
Sorry, get out.
Well, god, i guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, god.
Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
What's that? It's stan! Oh, thank you, god, oh, praise his name! Dude, where the hell have you been? Sir, we're all here now, can we go on, please? Who? Well, okay, i guess, but hurry up.
We will.
Ladies and gentlemen, You are about to witness the next great boy band of the country.
Some day you will all be among those who can say "I saw fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall.
" And so without further ado All five members of the- Oh, my god, they killed kenny! You bastards! No, he can't be dead.
Dude, he's pretty dead.
No, we were so close! All right, that's it, kids, get out! But, we have to perform.
We don't have a fifth member,cartman.
Oh, yes, we do.
Thank you all for your patience and get ready forfingerbang! ? Fingerbang? ? Bang bang? ? Fingerbang bang? ? Bang bang bang? ? I'm gonna fingerbang bang you into my life? ? Girl, you like to fingerbang and it's all right? ? Because i'm the king of fingerbang let's not fight? ? I'll just fingerbang bang you every night? ? I'll just fingerbang bang you every night? Yes, yes! Thank you, yes! We made $2.
You were great dad.
Yeah, i guess i still got it in me a little.
Can i get your autograph? Okay, okay.
Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am.
I actually don't really know who they are, I was just getting an autograph - Ah! Move along, ma'am.
Thatwaspretty good, kids.
Maybe you can come perform at my elk's club sometime.
Okay, yeah, maybe.
God, now it's like everybody wants a piece of us.
I don't know if i can handle all this fame.
I mean, i always thought i'd want to be famous, But now that i am i don't know if i like it.
I mean i probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people going "Oh, my god, it's thefingerbangguy, oh, my god.
" Yeah, that's gonna suck.
Yeah, i just want to be a normal kid again, Have a normal life and appreciate what i have.
I think you boys are very smart for your age.
Come on, i'll buy you all an orange smoothie.
I don't think they sell those anymore.
Hey, cartman, do you think god is going to be mad at you for not making $10,000,000? Oh, screw god, i'm not scared of him, he's a pussy.
You know i'm just kidding, right? comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™
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