South Park s04e12 Episode Script

Trapper Keeper

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Dude, what's your little brother doing here? Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten.
But isn't he only three years old? Yeah, but he's some kind of genius So he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten.
I pooped my pants.
But dude, check out my newtrapper keeper.
It has five different compartments for each subject in school And it's all covered with pictures from "dawson's creek".
Cool! Hey dudes, check out my sweet dawson's creek trapper keeper Ultra-Keeper futura 2000.
Yeah, well, it's got 10 different compartments for every subject in school, Electronic pencil sharpener, Four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, A better picture of dawson's creek on the back than kyle's.
Flat screen tv and of course,onstar.
Wow, cool.
Godammit, cartman! You only got that because you knew my mom wouldn't buy it for me! Oh, but you have a trapper keep- Oh, you got the little "crapper keeper", didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase.
He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius.
He's not a genius, he's a little douche bag.
I pooped my pants! He's smarter than you, fat boy! I don't even know how you made it to the fourth grade after all the- Trapper keeper, i need to drown out my annoying friend, Country, high volume.
Nobody gives a crap about your trapper keeper, cartman! Ms.
Crabtree! There's another creepy homeless guy on the bus.
Sit down and shut up! But they smell like pee! I am not a homeless person.
I am a new fourth-Grade student.
You are? Yes, my name is bill, bill cosby.
Aren't you a little old to be in grade school? I was held back Unh- I mean, grades.
Do you companion friends know eric cartman? Yeah, that's me.
Eric cartman? And you have a dawson's creek trapper keeper futura s-2000? Yeah, you already know about it? Yes, yes, i do.
Well, "nobody gives a crap about your trapper keeper, cartman.
" I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass! Dude, do you really care if cartman has something that's better than yours? No, i don't! I don't care! Ooh, kyle.
Hey, there he is.
That's the kid that's supposed to be some kind of genius.
Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten.
Come on.
So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? You think you know more about the world Just because you're only three and we're five? I'm go ba-Ba.
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
My name is mr.
Garrison, And i'm the new kindergarten teacher.
I used to be the third-Grade teacher, But i had a little "nervous breakdown" And went into the mountains where i lived off of "Rat carcasses".
But i'm all better now and school was nice enough to let me go on teaching As long as it was for kindergarten.
But it's not a demotion, no.
I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade And now is teaching kindergarten- That's not a demotion, is it? No, that's right, it's not.
Well, let's start with roll call.
Ah, let's see filmore anderson? Here.
Sally bans? Here.
All right, ike broflovski? "Cookie monster.
" Broflovski, i had your older brother kyle in my third-Grade class.
He's a very smart kid, i'm sure you are too.
Well, that's bad news for everybody else Because i will be grading you all on a curve.
And so the other thing that makes my trapper keeper cooler than kyle's Is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically.
I can take something as simple as this calculator and- Trapper keeper? Trapper keeper active.
Hybrid with "wellington bear" calculator.
Ready for hybrid.
And now, i can use wellington bear calculator too.
May i hold your trapper keeper? Uh, no, i'm afraid not, bill cosby, Because it is coded to the prints on my fingers.
If anybody but me tries to hold it Big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands.
Oh, you're so full of crap, cartman! Metal spikes will not come out! Oh really, then why don't you hold it? Well, go on, kyle, If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it.
Hold it.
I'm gonna! Hold it.
I will! And that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended.
There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, But things between us are a little better.
Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president.
So first we must pick nominees.
Who would like to nominate someone? I nominate filmore because he's the smartest kid in the class.
Okay, filmore, you'll be our first nominee.
And who else? Yes, jenny.
I gotta go doody.
In a minute, jenny - Who else wants to nominate a class president? Oh, come on, you can't have an election with just one person running, What's the fun in that? Ike, how about you, you're a genius? No.
Okay, our second nominee is "ike the genius".
Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee.
Filmore, why don't you go first.
If i'm elected class president, i'll call for bigger chairs.
And on fridays i'll add two minutes to nap time.
Thank you.
Very enthralling.
Okay, ike, how about you? Cookie monster eyes.
Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids.
Oh no, dude, here comes that weird new kid.
Oh, hello, eric, can i be your hu-Man friend? Unh- I mean, friend.
I don't know, dude, i'm not supposed to have male friends that are over 30.
I kinda got screwed on that once.
Please, we can have fun and play games like hu-Man four square.
I mean, four square.
Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend! It doesn't work that way.
If you want my friendship you have to pay me.
Oh, i see.
All right, i'll pay I mean, human dollars, i mean, dollars.
Okay, that's cool.
Can we play some hu-Man tether ball? All right.
Pretty sweet, you guys, Getting 100 bucks to play tether ball with some- Serve! Ah! Got it! Dude, he's running off with your trapper keeper! Wha-Huh! You son of a bitch! Wait a minute, lucky for me I have my trapper keeper homing device.
What the hell just happened? Damn, i thought fourth grade was gonna be different.
So that's six votes for filmore and six votes for ike.
And the last vote is for Ah, let's see, flora, i can't tell who you voted for.
You've got the winning vote, flora, who'd you pick? I don't know.
Flora, you have to pick one, filmore or ike.
Um, i vote for i don't know.
Oh great, flora's undecided.
Well, you're just gonna have to sit there flora And think about it until you come up with an answer.
Flora, just say you vote for filmore So we can all go home.
Um No, you want ike to be president.
We're gonna be here all night.
Why don't you guys just concede? Yeah! Yeah! Why don't you just concede? Yeah! Filmore! Filmore! Ike!Ke! I want filmore to be- I want ike- Oh, for christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch of kids! Turn left here, we're getting close! Get your gun ready.
Eric, i'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder.
It was not a school folder, It was a dawson's creek trapper keeper futura s-2000! And if- There he is! Ah! Gotcha! Hey! Aah! Whoa, dude.
Oh, try to take my trapper keeper, will you? Please, you do not understand.
Book him, barbrady, another job well done.
That trapper keeper has to be destroyed.
Why are you so obsessed with cartman's trapper keeper, bill cosby? Bill cosby! No, listen to me! I am not really bill cosby.
My name is bsm-471.
I am a cyborg engineered by hu-Mans from the year 2034.
Well, i knew you weren't bill cosby.
I have come to destroy that trapper keeper Because it was the dawson's creek trapper keeper That belongs to an eric cartman in south park Which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being And destroys all of hu-Manity.
In the year 2004, A hybrid assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer.
From there, it was able to slowly take over Every computer in the world.
It became stronger and stronger Until, by the year 2018, it broke away from mankind And there was nothing the hu-Mans could do.
It wasn't long before hybrid trapper keeper Started to destroy everything it saw as useless Including humans.
The nations tried everything to stop it- Nuclear devices, seismic missiles- But nothing worked.
The hu-Mans built robots of their own, whole armies of them.
But nothing was strong enough to stop trapper keeper.
And so finally, the hu-Mans decided to send One of their robots into the past to destroy the trapper keeper Before it even got started.
Wow, that's amazing.
Man, i guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast.
What do you think, officer barbrady? Huh- Oh, i'm sorry, i wasn't listening.
And so eric, now you see why we must destroy your trapper keeper.
You guys, did i mention that it has a pencil sharpener Anda crayon sharpener? Cartman, it takes over the world and destroys all of humanity! What would you guys have me do, huh? Walk around with just a plain old trapper keeper like kyle's, Is that what you want? Yes! Godammit! Here, take it! Do you want my heart as well? You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes! I decided.
Oh, thank god, flora.
All right, who do you vote for? Umm, ike.
Yay! Yay! Okay, so then the total is six votes for filmore And now seven votes for ike.
Ike is the new class president.
We want a recount.
What? Recount, recount, recount Oh, of all the juvenile things i've ever heard- You lost, filmore, don't be such a baby! All right, all right, i'll count up the ballots again.
Okay, we had one vote for filmore And this time i again get six votes for filmore and seven votes for ike.
Count 'em again.
Yeah! No, children, i've recounted 106 times now And i keep coming up with seven to six! Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five And one where it came out It's over! Ike is class president! Wait, there's still the absent kid.
Yeah, carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote.
Oh, will you grow up?! Absent kids count, absent kids count, absent kids Jesus, all right, we'll wait for tomorrow So the absent kid can cast his vote, now go home! Good morning, hu-Mans.
Hey, bill cosby.
I have successfully destroyed eric cartman's trapper keeper.
I broke it apart, Dipped the motherboards in acid, burnt the memory chips And sent the wiring to the four corners of canada.
That should do it.
So what are you gonna do with your crappy robot life now, bill cosby? Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcern-Ment.
I am still here, but i shouldn't be here.
If trapper keeper has been stopped, then i should not exist, But here i am.
Something is still not right.
Hey, dudes.
Cartman, you still got a trapper keeper! Yeah, i'm a genius.
Last night i went home and told my mom that i lost the last one.
Then i cried and i cried, and finally she felt so bad That she took me to the store and bought me a new one.
So everything worked out.
Oh, no! Cartman, you dumb ass! You can't get a new one.
Why the hell not? Because ifyourtrapper keeper takes over the world, Then maybe it wasthistrapper keeper and not the one before.
So then you guys burnt my last one for no reason.
We will have to destroy this trapper keeper.
But i don't think i can get my mom to buy me another one.
Don't you get it? You can't haveany trapper keepers, fat ass! Oh, that is bull crap! And you know what i think? I think this whole thing is a setup! That's right, kyle got this guy to say he's a robot from the future Just because he's jealous of my trapper keeper.
And you know what else? Screw you guys, i'm going home.
Cartman! No- Screw you guys.
Well, that does it.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm afraid i have no other choice.
For the sake of humanity i have to kill him.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
No, wait! What? Can i do it? Oh well, i suppose.
Sweet- Kiss your ass good-Bye, fat boy! Wait, perhaps there is another way.
If you could take me to where eric cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Well, yeah, or we could just kill him.
Yeah, that'd be faster.
He's right there.
I'm afraid i can't.
I think i'm actually starting to feel what you humans call "compassion".
It is an amazing feeling.
Ah! Ah! All right, children, as you know, We've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in.
Well, his mother was nice enough To bring him in from the hospital So that he could cast his vote.
Thank you very much, billy.
Don't forget to pick up your lung.
All right, the absent kid's ballot is for filmore.
Yay! Yay! Wait one minute! Oh jesus- Tap-Dancing-Christ.
I think the ballots were misleading.
Some kids didn't understand who they were voting for.
There's a box next to filmore's name And a box next to ike's.
What's not to understand? You're just saying that 'Cause you know you're gonna lose now.
No, i'm saying that because you're a booger-Face! Well, just you wait, 'Cause my famous aunt is on her way right now.
Who's your famous aunt? My aunt rosie, rosie o'donnell.
Your aunt rosie o'donnell is coming here? Yeah, she's very active in politics.
She's gonna set all of this straight.
Oh, no.
You're so cool, trapper keeper, I would never let those assholes take you away.
? I don't wanna wait? ? For my trapper keeper to be over? Trapper keeper ready to insorb.
Oh, cool.
Trapper keeper merging.
And so you see, ms.
Cart-Man, You cannot buy your son eric another trapper keeper.
Not now, not ever! Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors And generate a whole new era of technological darkness.
Well, i certainly won't buy him any more then, bill.
Good, now all that is left to do Is destroy the trapper keeper eric has now.
Where is he? In his room.
But, why don't i show you the rest of the house first.
Here we go again.
Come this way, billy.
Well come on, let's go upstairs And get cartman's trapper keeper ourselves.
Kyle is just jealous of you, trapper keeper.
You kick ass! ? I don't wanna wait for my trapper keeper-? Open up, cartman, we're taking your trapper keeper.
? Screw you guys screw you guys? ? Screw you guys-? Trapper keeper ready to insorb.
Dammit, cartman, open up! Trapper keeper ready for hybrid.
Oh sweet, what's it gonna hybrid with now? Cartman, you might as well open up, We're just gonna have bill cosby bust the door down After he finishes having sex with your mom! Cartman? Ahh! He's not gonna open it, break it down.
You break it down.
Okay, ready- Not it.
You lose, kenny.
Oh! Oh my god- They killed kenny! You ba-! Ahh! Ooh yeah, ohyeah! What the hell is that? Oh my god! What is that thing? Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity Heading for the classroom! Oh my god, it's awful! It's coming for the door! Hello, kids.
Aunt rosie.
Run for your lives, children, i'll try to fight it off! That's my aunt rosie o'donnell.
Oh, uh, pleasure to meet you, ms.
You're looking well.
Don't worry, kids, everything's gonna be fine.
What's the problem? Aunt rosie, we think i won class president.
No, ike won.
Look, it's very simple- We took a vote and the vote tied So now we've gotta come up with a way- Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it? I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher Could've handled this, But now we're gonna do it my way! We are trapper keeper.
Oh no, it's heading for cheyenne moun-Tain.
Why is that bad? It was when the trapper keeper assimilated With the supercomputer at cheyenne moun-Tain That it was able to fuse into our defensive computers.
Then we have to stop it before it gets there.
Step on it, bill cosby! Hey mark, look.
Wow, that is about the nicest trapper keeper i've ever seen.
Cartman, you have to stop.
We are trapper keeper, we are one.
A part of your friendmust still be alive in there.
He is in there.
That must be what trapper keeper is using for ventilation.
If one of you could get in there, you could reach the c.
Not it- Ahh, dammit.
What are you doing, kyle? I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, cartman, I need to remove the c.
I'm afraid i can't let you do that, kyle.
Screw you, fat ass! Hey, screw you.
Cartman! Ah! No! Okay, so then what we need to do, Is count everybody's vote by hand.
And after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually and then- Oh stop it, stop it, stop it! Look, kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together.
We have to respect one another Or else we're in for a terrible school year.
We're just making sure That the kids who voted for my nephew don't get cheated.
Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew! So what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-Mindedness all the time, But when it comes to middle america You think we're all evil and stupid country yokels Who need your political enlightenment! Well, just because you're on tv doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class And respect this class' right to make up their own minds! Oh, sorry, i got a little off the subject there, kids.
How dare you! I will not be preached at by a country bumpkin.
I'm leaving this podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press Than you have ever seen! Oh, no, children, i think i just made this a whole lot worse.
Ahh! Whoa! Well, that does it.
I'm gonna have to report this.
Guard one to base- Ahh! It is infusing with everything.
It is already too powerful to stop.
Kyle's got to succeed, he's just got to.
I can't reach the c.
What are you doin'? Get out of my way.
Oh no, now there's two of those things.
No, i think that other thing is rosie o'donnell.
Huh? Which one? It's like i'm seeing double.
I said, get out of my way! Aahhh! Ew.
Look, i think that infusing with rosie o'donnell Has made trapper keeper sick.
Euhhh bad pie, bad pie.
This is your chance, kyle, cartman is weakened.
Got him.
He did it! Okay, children, the lawyers for ike's side Have agreed with the lawyer's on filmore's side To hold another meeting regarding form 22-F.
Do we all have that form? Is this the kindergarten classroom? Jesse jackson? That's right.
I believe the african-American students in your class Were misrepresented.
We don't have any african- Americans in our class! Oh- Bye.
All right, so apparently what we're gonna do now Is hand count each person's ballot.
Garrison, i concede.
You- You what? I don't wanna play anymore 'cause this game is stupid.
Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
Ike, you could be class president.
I pooped my pants! Can we finger paint now? Finger paint! Finger paint! Ah- Yes, yes, let's finger paint! You did it, kyle.
Kyle saved your life, fat ass.
Look, i'm fading! It must have worked, i don't exist! Oh, that's a bitch.
Oh, well, i guess everything's fine now.
So let's go home.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, cartman- All you've been doing is making fun of kyle and now he saved your life.
You at least owe him a thank you.
Oh, man Cartman! All right, all right.
Kyle comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™
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