South Park s04e17 Episode Script

A Very Crappy Christmas

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? He's gonna be here any minute, ike.
Oh no, poopie.
He might not come if you're too close to the toilet bowl, ike.
Come sit by me.
It's getting late, boys, Why don't you come on up to bed.
Just let us stay up a little longer, mom, Mr.
Hankey's gotta show up, he always does.
All right, boobie.
Oh, and boys, happy chanukah.
Happy chanukah, mom.
Wee, wee.
Go away! Stan, go get the other guys And tell them to meet me at the bus stop in 10 minutes.
Okay, good, you're all here.
What's this all about, kyle? It's mr.
Hankey, he hasn't shown up yet! Oh, jesus christ, i'm going back to bed.
It's only three days until christmas, you guys.
You know how bad things have been around here.
I think it might be because mr.
Hankey hasn't come.
Kyle, i have a full day of watching tv tomorrow, I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay? If you guys want there to be a christmas You better come help me.
Heh-Choo! Dude, you sneezed on my back! Oh sorry, you might get some germs While you're walking around in human feces.
Hey, look! Hello? Howww-Dy ho! Mr.
Hankey! Oh, we were so worried.
I was waiting up for you and you didn't come so i thought that- Oh no, i'm fine, kyle.
But where have you been? Things aren't the same without you.
Nobody seems to have the christmas spirit.
Oh, i know, kyle.
I've just been awful busy with my family.
Honey! Family? Boys, i want you to meet my wife, autumn.
Howdy hey, kids.
Would you like a drink? They're too young to drink, honey.
Oh hell, it's christmas.
Oh, and you have to meet the little nuggets, too.
Kids! This is our son cornwallis.
Howww-Dy ho! Our daughter amber.
Howdy ho! And our son simon.
Nnn, hey! Simon's not so smart, he was born with a peanut in his head.
What's that, pa? Nothin', simon.
A family! So that's why you haven't been able to spread christmas cheer.
It sure has been tough.
Nobody seems that into christmas up there.
I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore.
My mom's barely bought me any presents so far.
Well, don't worry kids.
I'm sending the nuggets up tomorrow To spread christmas cheer.
And if you want, you can help them.
Sure we'll help! Anything for more presents! Woo hoo, it's a christmas party! Hey, you boys.
You boys wanna bet me i won't take off my clothes? Honey, please, you're-You're drunk, okay.
But it's christmas, baby! Honey, can we go inside for a second? Now when people come over Well, it's decided, kids, Tomorrow we're gonna bring back the spirit of christmas! Ho, ho, ho! Merry christmas, you guys.
Only three shopping days until- God dammit! Hey, merry christmas, asshole! Nobody's paying any attention.
Look out! Eww, i almost stepped in it! Well, it was a good effort, boys, But i'm gonna have to close shop.
Nobody's buying anything and i can't afford To keep this furnace runnin'! Oh, and boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk there, watch out.
Not one toy.
I guess this year everyone's content to celebrate With candles and love.
This is hopeless.
We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism Has been sucked out of christmas.
And in other news tonight, it appears that everyone Is officially sick of christmas! In anspcpoll, 38% said they were fed up and tired of the holiday.
indifferent to it.
And a whopping 57% Said they would kick bon jovi square in the balls If given the opportunity.
Well, i think people are just fed up with the crowded shopping And the credit card bills.
I think that the holiday just has become a joke.
Y'know, it's just that a lot of people don't really believe In the whole "jesus" thing anymore, y'know.
So what's to celebrate? Oh yeah, right in the balls, man, Right square in the balls.
Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from south park, But at least our faith in each other remains strong.
Oh, really? Dude, change the channel, this is too depressing.
Good grief, we need a christmas tree for our play.
Oh jesus, not this thing again.
How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads? All right, everyone, we've got to get on with our play.
Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doing is dancing around.
Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act.
And why is it- That on "charlie brown" cartoons- Everyone talks- Like this? My mom could make a better christmas special than this.
Hey, that's it! Oh my god, that's totally it! It's so simple.
What, dude? We can get everyone back into the christmas spirit By making our very own animated christmas special And showing it to everybody in town.
We don't know anything about animation.
How hard can it be? Look at it? Hey, yeah! We can make a little animated santa claus and jesus.
And it can star us instead of these little round-Headed guys.
Hell yeah, awesome! Yeah, and we can call it "the spirit of christmas.
" Oh, this is terrible, johnson.
Our whole town's economy is going right in the toilet.
We've got to get everybody back in the christmas spirit.
Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you.
Muh- Send them in.
Mayor, we have the solution to your problem.
You do? We're gonna make make a short animated christmas card that everyone can watch And play it at the screen at the old drive-In.
It'll have everything- Jesus, santa.
And when people see it they'll just have to get in the spirit.
All we need is $300 for our budget.
An animated christmas card! Kids, that just might be Thedumbest idea i've ever heard, ever! Aww.
But at this point i'm willing to try anything.
Johnson, cut 'em a check for $300.
All right! All right! You guys go tell butters to start making the cutouts.
I'm gonna go tell mr.
Hankey the good news.
You put the vase down! Put that vase down, that's an expensive vase! Don't you throw that vase! Uh, mr.
Hankey! Oh, kyle, howww-Dy ho! We got the money, mr.
Hankey, We're gonna make our animated christmas card.
Oh, that's swell! Kids, christmas is back on! We gotta all get that old drive-In working again.
Okay! Okay! That's not only thing we gotta get working again, If you know what i mean.
Why, why do you, why do you have to Say things like that in front of people? Well, i've gotta go start our animation.
We've only got two days! Good luck, kyle, And we'll have that projector working, Don't you worry! Whcornwallis?Ter, All right, butters, let's see what you've got.
Oh, well okay.
Now don't expect too much with the budget you gave me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah- Just let us see 'em.
Well, all right, here's a little construction paper santa claus.
"Ho ho ho there, kids.
Would you like some toys and stuff?" Ah, and uh, here's a little jesus.
"Hey there, santa, i'm the light of the way and stuff.
" "Oh, okay, that's good, i suppose.
" And here's the cutout versions of you guys.
Heh-Heh, look, he made stan all fat.
That's not me, that's you! What! They kind of look like us.
I mean, stan's got blue eyes and i've got a sharper nose, But they kind of look like us.
I am not that goddamn fat! Good job, butters.
Oh, uh, hey, i made a little cutout version of me, too.
In case you need it for your animated film.
No, that's okay.
See ya! Oh, all right, all right then.
"Oh, hey there, good-Looking, what's your name?" "Ah, butters, ma'am.
" "Oh, butters, would you like to slap my titties around?" Whoa, well, ah No thanks, ma'am, i'll get in trouble again.
Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-In.
I don't want to, dad, i'm too sad.
Hey, it's all right, cornwallis, Those boys' animated movie will bring back the spirit of christmas.
It's not that father, it's- I don't feel like i'm really a part of christmas.
But son, you're a hankey, we love christmas.
Come on, it's time to sit around the tree! We're having a talk, honey.
Goddammit, it's christmas, And we're gonna be a happy family around the tree.
Autumn, you're drunk, all right, Now just go help the other kids, They can't get their stockings up.
That's not only thing that can't get up around here.
Now come on, son, don't be so down.
Why? We're just pieces of crap.
Christmas isn't for us.
Christmas is about feeling good.
That's for everybody! I see the nativity- There's angels, shepherds and sheep, but no poo.
All the christmas movies- Santa, elves, reindeer- No poo, i'm not a part of it.
No, you're not a part of it, cornwallis, You're all of it, don't you see? I'm nothing but crap.
But crap is everything.
? Everything that lives on earth poos in some way? ? And that's how the cycle happens? ? Each and every day? ? Just look at the green, green grass? ? And the birds up in the sky? ? It's all here because of poo now i'll tell you why? ? Grass is eaten by the cattle? ? Which is eaten by women and men? ? It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again? ? And that poo goes through the sewer? ? Where it's dumped into the sea? ? And it's eaten by the plankton? ? That becomes the fishes' meal? ? Then that bigger fish with the poo still inside? ? Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive? ? By a grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand? ? So it can spring to life and become food for the land? ? It's the poo of the antelope? ? The poo of the giraffe? ? That falls onto the earth? ? And becomes the blades of grass? ? The grass is eaten by the cattle? ? Which comes out the other end? ? To make poo for the humans and start all over again? You see, son, you're not an insignificant part of life, You are life.
But how can i be that giraffe and blade of grass and a human? I don't control what they do.
Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it, So, too, your giraffes and your humans do what they do Without you even thinking about it.
But it is all one life form, it is all you.
I think i see now.
? I'm the poo of the antelope? ? That flows onto the ground? ? Becomes the grass of tomorrow? ? Yeah? ? Which the grazers turn around? ? So i'm the leg of a leopard and the wings of the hen? ? Which becomes dinner for the humans? ? And turns back to poo again? ? Mm-Hmm? ? That's the cycle the cycle of poo? Okay, here's the script.
But it doesn't have an ending.
No ending? Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded, So we better just record what we have and figure out the ending later.
Okay, talk directly into the mike And don't hit any hard "p"s.
What's a hard "p"? You know, first thing in the morning When it just won't come out? Oh yeah.
Umm okay, sound is speeding and ? We wish you a merry christmas-? Hold on.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh, hmm, okay, and ? We wish you a merry christmas? ? We wish you a merry christmas-? Hey, wait a minute! What? Aren't you jewish, kyle? Well, yes, i think so.
Dude, jewish people don't celebrate christmas, You're supposed to sing chanukah songs.
? Dreidel dreidel dreidel i made you out of clay? ? Dreidel dreidel dreidel-? Heh-Heh-Heh, chanukah sucks.
Don't you oppress me, fat boy! Don't call me fat, butt! Then don't belittle my people, you fat-Ass! Guys, knock it off, we have to record this.
Dude, that was awesome.
What's awesome? The script, it's sweet.
That's not in the script, they do this all the time.
Well, it should be in the script.
All that, you're fat and you're a jew and stuff.
It's great.
Check it out, dude.
The camera shoots one frame at a time.
So, all we gotta do is put the right mouth on, According to what syllable they're pronouncing at that frame.
Yeah, so what's the first syllable? Ah, "w",wewish you a merry christmas.
Okay, so we put little "woo" mouths on all our heads.
And then we shoot that for one frame.
That's 1/24th of a second of our movie already shot.
Kick-Ass! Now the next mouth.
Ah, "e",wewish you a merry christmas.
Okay, where are the "e" mouths? "E" mouths Okay, "woo" mouths again.
One, two.
So how much done is that? "We wish you a merry.
" Ah, jesus christ.
These kids better make a good christmas movie, johnson.
If people in this town don't start shopping again We're all gonna be out of jobs next year! This place is pretty rundown.
It's all right, we've got a cleanup crew coming.
Howww-Dy ho! Down here! Ahh! Oh, mr.
Hankey, it's you, how wonderful.
My family and i are here to get the drive-In ready for the big movie! Perfect.
Hi, there, mr.
Important political person.
You want to bet me i won't take off my clothes And run naked through this parking lot? Honey, please don't start.
I didn't start it! He was looking at my breasts.
They're not real, you know.
Don't you say that! Oh, big secret, everyone can tell they're made of "silicorn".
Ah, we'll just leave you to your cleanup.
Okay! Boy oh boy, this place sure needs a lot of work.
We can fix it up, dad.
Oh look, a homeless person.
Oh, he looks sad, papa.
There, that's better.
Good job, amber.
Now this place is starting to look christmas-Y.
Okay, okay, this shot is finally set up.
Now shoot the "oh" mouth for two frames.
A- Choo! Ahh! Cartman! Well, i'm sorry, i have a cold.
That took us half an hour to set up, fat-Ass! All right, you know what?! I have been here too long! I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon And we're never gonna finish it anyways! Screw you, guys i'm going home! Fine, we'll do it without you.
We can't do it without him, kyle, We've already animated him in it.
We'll dub his voiceover.
Kyle, it's hopeless.
We've only got 20 seconds of animation done.
We still have jesus' and santa's voices to record.
We don't even have a third act.
Dude, it would take a miracle to finish this thing.
Now, don't go saying that.
There's always hope.
Miracles happen most everyday ? To people like you and me? ? But don't expect a miracle? ? Unless you help make it to be? ? You hope and i'll hurry? ? You pray and i'll plan? ? We'll do what's necessary? ? 'Cause even a miracle needs a hand? ? You love? ? We love? ? And i'll labor? ? Tra la la? ? You sit? ? We sit? ? And i'll stand? ? Get help from our next door neighbor? ? 'Cause even a miracle needs a hand? You can do cartman's voice, can't you? Uh, i'm so fat.
You gotta sound fatter.
Hey, you guys, seriously.
I'm so fat, help me out over here.
Cool, now let's try the script.
I don't know what to do, dude, who should we help? I say we help santa claus.
Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Hey, i don't need to take that kind of from a jew! ? You wish? ? We wish? ? And i'll whittle? ? Tra la la? ? You sit? ? We sit? ? And i'll stand? ? Let's all try to help a little? ? 'Cause even a miracle-? It's okay, we'll just have his character die in the film.
? Even a miracle needs a hand? Citizens of south park, The colorado film commission is pleased to present to you A work by some of our very own south park children.
Thank you, thank you.
Cartman, what the hell are you doing here, you quit? What are you talking about "quit"? Puh- I don't remember that.
We know that after you see this darling short film You will all feel the mighty glow Of the christmas spirit once again.
Boys? Okay, mr.
Okay! ? We wish you a merry christmas? ? We wish you a merry christmas? ? We wish you a merry christmas-? Hey, wait a minute.
What? Aren't you jewish, kyle? Yeah, i think so.
Dude, jewish people don't celebrate christmas.
What? You're supposed to sing chanukah songs.
? Dreidel dreidel dreidel-? Nnn, pretty! Well, that's christmas for ya.
Just hang on, folks, We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
It's completely destroyed, there's nothing i can do! All that hard work.
Well, thanks a lot, kids, great idea you had there.
Now everyone is more disenfranchised with christmas than ever.
We want our But we spent it.
Fine, then we'll sue you.
I used to believe in miracles.
All that work.
For nothing.
Boys, i-I'm i'm sorry.
Sure, sure, mr.
I guess we might as well go home now.
It's my fault, all my fault.
I got everyone's hopes up.
But, dad, we can fix the projector.
Oh, it's too late for that, son.
Everyone's gone home.
And i don't know nothin' about projectors.
I'm just a stupid piece of crap.
Dad, you taught me an important lesson, That crap is the cycle of everything.
Oh, that was just a stupid song, cornwallis! I was just trying to get you to stop your bitching.
No, it wasn't a stupid song, Because you showed me that i have the power And the strength to do anything i want.
You made me believe in myself, dad.
Now i'm asking you to do the same.
Son You're the smartest piece of crap since albert poo-Dinger! Come on! Isn't this a nice christmas, stanley? No commercialism and shopping, Just a nice fire and family.
I wanna die! They did it! They've got it working! You have blemished the meaning of christmas For the last time, kringle.
I bring happiness and love To children all over the world.
Christmas is for celebrating my birth.
Christmas is for giving.
Oh wow.
Mom, they got it working! What, son, they got your father's penis working again? We actually spoke tothe brian boitano.
Yeah, and you know, I think i learned something today.
It doesn't matter if you're christian, Or jewish or atheist or hindu- Christmas is still about one very important thing.
Yeah, ham.
No, not ham! Hey, why the hell did you have me say that? We can make you say whatever we wanted.
Christmas is about something much more important.
What? Presents.
Don't you see, kyle? Presents.
Presents? Presents.
My god, they're right! Christmasis about presents.
If we all buy presents, everyone benefits, m'kay.
That is the spirit of christmas- Commercialism.
Because it's what makes our country work.
They're starting to understand, johnson, They're starting to understand.
We got so caught up in the little things of christmas, Like love and family, that we almost forgot It's buying things that makes our economy thrive.
Hey, the shops are still open.
We still have time to shop! Cool, let's go! Yeah, let's go! Woo! You did it, mr.
Hankey, You brought back the spirit of christmas.
No, you did it, boys.
Ah hell, we all did it.
Kids, that cartoon was fabulous.
How would you like to have your own show And make 100 more of them? Are you kidding? I think we'd rather stab ourselves in the head.
Yeah, let's just go home and open our presents.
Hey, man, if you're jewish, you get presents for eight days.
Wow, count me in! Yeah, i'll be a jew, too.
? Dreidel dreidel dreidel i made you out of clay? ? Dreidel dreidel dreidel with dreidel i will play? ? I'm the poo of the antelope that flows onto the ground? ? Becomes the grass of tomorrow? ? Yeah? ? Which the grazers turn around? ? So i'm the leg of a leopard? ? And the wings of the hen? ? Which becomes dinner for the humans? ? And turns back to poo again? comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™
Previous EpisodeNext Episode