South Park s05e02 Episode Script

Cripple Fight

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headin' on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Well, you boys must be pretty excited- Your first night of scouts.
It's gonna suck.
There's gonna be all these new kids there we don't know.
Well, now, that's part of the fun.
Yeah, both kenny's dad and i were in scouts for years.
Was your dad in scouts, cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad.
That's not funny! Jesus christ! Are you excited for your first night of scouts, timmy? Yeah, timmy! Yeah, he's excited.
Hey, fellas.
Hey, butters.
Boy, am i glad to see you guys.
There's lots of kids here from other schools.
I don't know anybody.
All right boys, we're gonna head to the bar.
We'll be back to pick you up at nine.
You boys just make sure to obey the scout leader now.
He's the man in charge.
Hello, scouts! Hey, it's big gay al! Hello, stanley, i was happy to see you And your little friends' names on the list.
Timmy! You're the new scout leader? I just got transferred in.
I think everyone's here now, so we can get started.
Come on, scouts, we've got work to do.
Hooray! Hooray! See ya, dad.
Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night? This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses! Now, before we get started, scouts, I want to introduce you to someone very special here tonight.
He's a brave little boy with disabilities, Who proves just by being here that scouts are for everyone! Timmy! So let's all all give a big round of applause To little jimmy! Well, hello, everyone.
Ji-Jimmy? Look, i'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person, I just don't think he should be a scout leader.
He got to where he is by being a good scout, Maybe we should just leave him alone.
Well, how gay is he? He's really, really gay.
Well then, i don't want my boy there either.
So, he's a homosexual, so what? I have nothing against homosexuals either, randy, But the big camping trip is next week.
Are you saying you're fine with this guy camping overnight, Alone, with our boys? You know, boys emulate authority figures.
Even if it doesn't turn them gay, They can end up all talking all fem' And prancing around like girls.
Ah, that's ridiculous.
People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice.
As many of you know, i myself went through a homosexual phase.
But the light of christ showed me how to change.
Just give me two hours with this man And i can convert him back.
That's what you said about peterson, And then you ended up having sex with him.
That's right, you did.
And so, that's how to make banana nut muffins.
And now, as a very special treat, Our very special friend jimmy Is going to do what he loves most- Motivational stand-Up comedy.
Let's give him a big hand! Wow, what a great audience.
Well, just in case you were wondering, I do have a disability- I am totally happy with the way i was born, very much.
I travel to different states and talk to kids About being proud of what they are.
My mom says god has a p-Plan for everyone.
I guess i was plan "b".
You guys like im-Impersonations? Timmy! How about jimmy stewart? "Merry christmas, movie house.
" And john travolta.
"Oh my god, mr.
Carter, oh my god, mr.
" Jimmy's funny, dude.
Yeah, well, he's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world.
Hmm! Ah, kenny, it's 9:00.
Come on, stanley.
Oops, guess we're out of time, kids.
Now remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales In your respective neighborhoods to raise money.
We'll meet back here next tuesday And see who raised the most.
Good luck! Hey, i've got a great idea.
Why don't we see if jimmy wants to come be in our scout club.
Hey, yeah.
Timmy, timmy.
Hey jimmy, you wanna come join our bake sale tomorrow? Jeez, sure, that'd be great, thanks, fellas.
Come on, stan.
Bye big gay al, we had great time.
Yeah, thanks.
Bye, jimmy! Bye, jimmy! See you tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.
You were right, dad, scouts is awesome.
Yeah! We told ghost stories and learned how to make a tornado in a glass bottle.
Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale.
And best of all, we met this kid named jimmy.
He's disabled, but he doesn't let it ruin his life.
He's awesome! Aah! Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money at our bake sale.
Cartman, don't say use him, you big silly goose.
Ah! What did you say? I just called cartman a name, He's a silly goose.
You do not say "big silly goose"! You call him an asshole like a normal kid.
But dad, i was just trying to- Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant! Asshole.
That's better.
Don't call me asshole, you som'bitch.
Ah, hello.
We're having a bake sale to raise money for scout troop #69.
Ah, please stop by and give us a hand.
And now, for your entertainment, Our new best friend, stand-Up comic jimmy! Wow, what a great audience.
I just flew into south park, boy are my crutches tired.
What a terrific audience.
You know, people sometimes ask me, "Are you angry at god for making disabled people?" I say, "no, i think the world is better with president bush.
" What a brave little boy.
He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap.
I love him! Well, i sure have met a lot of interesting people here in south park.
How about that eric cartman kid, huh? "God damn it, no chicken pot pies! God damn it! God damn it!" Heh, heh.
I don't sound like that.
And how about that school counselor? "Drugs are bad, drugs are bad, m'kay.
Drugs are bad, okay.
" Wow, what a great audience.
Happy, quiet, mr.
"Hello there, children, mr.
"Hello, mr.
"I think it's all very sacrilege- It's all very sacrilege " "God damn it! God damn it!" And of course, my very favorite "Timmy! Timmy! I'm living a lie, i'm living a lie, timmy!" "Timmy, i'm living a lie.
Ah, timmy!" Sometimes it's like, "please, timmy, learn a new word.
" "Timmy! Timmy!" Aahh! Wow, it looks like when it comes to comedy I really take the c-C I really take the ca I really take the ca-Cake.
Jimmy, jimmy, jimmy! Timmy! Well, this is it, we've simply gotten too many complaints From concerned parents about him.
I'm afraid we don't have a choice.
Hi ya, fellas! How are you today, scout? I'm super, thanks for asking.
The troops are off having bake sales, And i'm pleased to report that we have already raised Over $600 for the event- Yippy! Uh, big gay al, It's recently come to our attention that you are gay.
Well, stop the presses.
You figure that out all by yourself, silly buns? Yes, well, unfortunately for you The scouts have a policy that openly gay men Cannot belong.
We are left with no options, mr.
We're afraid you are herebyoutof scouts.
Out of scouts? We're sorry, mr.
Gay al.
But i've been in scouts since i was nine, It's a huge part of my life.
You must understand that scouts is a private club, A club that follows certain beliefs, And one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral.
I see.
It's nothing against you personally.
What if i promise not to be gay anymore? Pinky swear! We think it's best you just move on.
Right, move on.
Oh, hey, timmy.
I'm glad you called, very much.
I've been detecting some animosity towards me lately, And i was hoping we could bury the hatchet.
What's that? A- Libba-La, timmy.
A present, you got me a present? Timmy! Gee, you didn't have to do that.
I mean, i understand why you'd be jealous of my talents.
If you work at it maybe you could be As handi-Capable as i am, huh? Wow, a parka.
You didn't have to do that, tim-Tim.
Tim, timmy.
Oh sure, i'll see if it fits.
This is very warm, thanks a lot, tim-Tim.
Well, i'll see you around.
Timmy! There he is, kill him, kill him! Oh, wait, that's not him.
Thanks, again, tim-Tim! Tim, timmy! Ah, bye, scouts.
Okay, okay, mark, stop playing now.
Hey, don't yell at me.
You asked me to come over and play sad songs For you to pack to, and then you yell at me.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry.
But now i've packed everything away, so just- Play something uplifting like, I'm-Gonna-Put-All-This-Behind- Me-And-Make-It-Okay music.
? Oh, i don't want her you can have her? ? She's too fat for me? Oh, jesus, mark.
Parents, this is the new scout leader, mr.
He will be taking over for the homosexual.
Nice to meet you.
Marsh, right? We actually kind of know each other.
Your wife and mine are friends.
Your wife, huh? Carol is is the head of a girls' mountain scouts troop.
Well, i guess we're off to the bar until nine then.
Gonna go pound some brews, huh? And so i says to him, "hey, i may be handicapped, But i'm not deaf.
" Wow, what a terrific audience.
Well, for my next joke, i'm gonna need a volunteer From the audience, very much.
How about you, timmy? Timmy.
Sure, come on up here, tim-Tim.
Timmy, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's all give him a hand, very much.
Come to think of it, give him a pair of legs, too.
Here, timmy, put on this silly hat.
Just for a second, timmy.
Don't be a jerk, timmy.
Hey, don't push me! Timmy! Cripple fight! That is enough, scouts! Take your seats! Aww! All right, scouts, i am your new scout master, mr.
Together we are going to become the best, the sleekest, The most well-Polished scout troop in all of colorado.
Isn't that right? When i ask you a question You will answer "yes, scout master.
" Do i make myself clear? Yes, scout master! Good.
Now, the first activity for this evening will be Naked pictures.
I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked In case we need them for later.
Aww! Aww! Oh, what is this?! If there's one thing i hate it's a whiny platoon.
"We don't wanna do push-Ups! "We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!" Man, this guy sucks.
Now, fall in and strip down, scouts! All right, scouts, we're gonna end this meeting With a little puppet show.
Here's a little scout.
He's always prepared, he's always ready.
Now, here's the little scout telling his parents That mr.
Grazier took naked pictures of him.
Look what happens.
"Oh, no! Oh, oh! Ohh!" Do i make myself clear, scouts? Yes, scout master! Oh, hello, parents.
All right, that's all the time we have for tonight, scouts.
We sure had a great time, didn't we? Yes, sir, scout master! Wow, you sure whipped those kids into shape.
Yeah, now they're acting like men.
Well, you know what i say about kids- They're all pink on the inside.
You bet.
I heard that.
See ya, mr.
Go away, i'm dead.
Oh, well, here he is.
Big gay al, what are you doing? Yeah, get your big gay ass off the couch And come be our scout master again! I can't, kids.
I've been kicked out of scouts.
Kicked out? Oh no.
But you have to come back, we hate our new scout leader.
Really, why? We can't tell you.
Why not? Oh, no, no! Oh, no no, no no! Please, big gay al, we don't wanna go on a camp trip with this guy next week.
Boys, there's nothing i can do.
The scouts don't allow homosexuals.
Well then, that settles it.
Fellas, what we're gonna have to do Is try to change the scouts' rules, very much.
What do we want? Gays in scouts! When do we want it? Timmy! What do we want? Gays in scouts! When do we want it? Timmy! Ohh, no.
What do we want? Gays in scouts! When do we want it? Timmy! All right, this looks like the perfect place to get some signatures.
Puppies, puppies for sale.
Beat it, toots, we got discrimination work to do.
All right, let's set up.
Hi, we're here to collect signatures in support To force the scouts to accept gays.
Ah, hello, gays in scouts? God damn it.
Hey, why don't we have jimmy do some stand-Up comedy, Like in our bake sale, very much? That's a great idea.
Attention, ladies and gentlemen, now for your entertainment, Stand-Up comic jimmy! Wow, what a great audience.
For my first joke i'm gonna need a volunteer.
Come on up here, tim-Tim.
Timmy, when i tell you to do something, you do it.
Timmy! Timmy, don't make me kick your ass.
Timmy! Put on your hat! Timmy! P- Put it on! Dude, this looks like it could get ugly.
Timmy timmy.
Not this year.
Timmy, tim.
Cripple fight! Come on come on! Timmy.
Cripple fight! Attention shoppers, Outside today we have cripple fight.
Cripple fight outside.
Come on.
Oh, oh! Jesus christ, dude.
Oh my god! Just let 'em have it out, susan.
They'll run out of steam soon.
Hel-Lo, timmy.
Hel-Lo, timmy! Tim-My! Ugnh! Ahh! Timmy I told you, put on the hat! You dirty mother! What's going on? Some kind of gay pride rally.
Whoa! Aaaah! Timmy! Tom, i'm standing out front ofhenry's supermarket Where five brave little boys are holding a rally To support gays in scouting.
The rally is drawing so much attention That people from all over the country are taking media notice.
Those boys have shown me the light.
I never knew the mountain scouts was a hate group.
This is a wake-Up call to america.
We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore.
Oh god, they're actually pulling it off.
The rally has also caught the attention Of old scouts members, like steven spielberg, Director of such films as "always" and "1941".
I salute those boys and their courage.
I am hereby cutting all my funding to the scouts! The rally has also caught the attention Of high-Power lawyer gloria allred.
It is a disgrace that these homophobes Are allowed to discriminate! I am taking this case on personally! With this kind of support, tom, These boys are sure to have a victory for gays.
Back to you.
Thanks, chris.
In other news, the f.
Has finally caught the child molester Known as "mr.
Slippy fist".
The sick child molester was found With disturbing, graphic photos of young boys naked, Which we will show you now.
Here's one.
And here's another.
Eddie? Oh my god.
Hey, look at this one, sick son of a bitch.
There's one right here.
Aaah! Timmy! All right, boys, break it up.
All rise.
In the case of big gay al vs.
Mountain scouts of america, Due to the overwhelming show of support, It is the ruling of this court that the scouts must allow Big gay al, and all gays, into their club! All right! Well, we've all learned an important lesson.
That just because somebody's gay Doesn't mean they're gonna molest children.
Straight people do that too.
Yeah! And furthermore, the scout elders Will be put into stocks for three days, So they can see how it feels to be outcasts.
We did it! We did it! I did it! I did it! Ha, ha! Today is a great day for democracy.
The scouts have been exposed for the vile gay bashers they are.
And we owe it all to me! And these six brave little boys.
Five brave little boys.
And now, here to take his official oath Back into scouts is big gay al! Thank you all very much.
But i don't want this.
What? What'd he say? Huh? Look, i appreciate what you kids did, i really do.
But this isn't what i wanted.
I'm proud to be gay.
And i'm proud to be in a country Where i'm free to express myself.
But freedom is a two-Way street.
If i'm free to express myself, Then the scouts have to be free to express themselves, too.
I know these men.
They are good men.
They're kind men.
They do what they think is best for kids.
No matter how wrong we think they might be, It isn't right for us to force them to think our way.
It's up to us to persuade and help them see the light, Not extort them, to.
Please, don't cut the scouts' funding.
The scouts help and have always helped a lot of kids.
That's why i love them.
I will continue to persuade them to change their minds.
But this is the wrong way to do it.
So, i am hereby dropping my case And allowing the scouts their right To not allow gays into their private club.
Oh Hooray! Hooray! So wait, did we do good? Yeah, i think so.
Yeah, we kick ass.
Come on, kids, let's go get some ice cream.
You can't do this, you homophobe! Well, timmy, i guess we learned an important lesson too, very much.
There is room for more than one handi-Capable person in scouts.
Timmy! I'm glad we're best friends now.
See you at scouts.
Timmy! ? Timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy? ? Timmy, timmy, timmy? ? Timmy, timmy, timmy, tim? ? Tim, tim, tim, tim, tim? Ahh! Dude, timmy, come on, we're gonna be late for scouts! All right, boys, i am your new scout leader.
Everything is going to be just fine.
No naked pictures.
Ah, timmy? Yes, timmy.
Oh, dear.
Jimmy? Yes.
You know our policy, i'm afraid you're out of scouts.
Out of scouts? Timmy.
What? Hey, wait a minute, this is crazy.
You can't do this.
Wow, i never knew jimmy was gay.
Me neither.
No, no! Timmy! comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™
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