South Park s05e06 Episode Script


comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headin' on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? And so it is with heavy hearts That we say good-Bye to mabel louise cartman.
She was a good woman, a community leader, A caring wife, providing mother, And a loving grandmother.
Mom, it's 3:30, This is taking up my whole saturday.
Shh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day? And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence And reflect on how mabel touched our lives.
God, she didn't take this long to die.
And now we release the doves to symbolize the lord Taking mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace.
Great, now can we go? No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of grandma's business.
Ohh! God damn it! "And so i leave my stocks and bonds "Worth an estimated $14.
12 To be divided amongst my loving family.
" Mom, i wanna go home! In a minute, sweetie, this is important.
"My loving son, stinky, i leave you the house in nebraska.
Look after it as your father and i did.
" Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"To my grandson, eric, "You were always my favorite, fat little man, My perfect round little pudding piler.
" Oh god, you have to embarrass me, Even in death, grandma.
"For you, eric, i leave, from my life's savings, "The sum of one million dollars To be transferred to you immediately.
" Whosa-Jigga-What? A million dollars? "Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate "Since it is likely the rest of you Would spend the money on crack.
" Oh my.
That can't be! Excuse me.
Does this mean i have one million dollars? Yes, eric, it's yours.
No way, you don't understand.
Since i was two years old it has been my dream To have one million dollars.
And now, you do.
There you are, jennifer lopez! You've been most uncooperative, miss lopez.
No, please! I promise i'll never make another album or movie.
It's too late for that, miss lopez.
Have mercy! Yeah-Ha! Awesome! You guys, you guys! Why? Because! Nah-Uh.
No, swear to god, it's true You better not be lying, kenny.
Damn, dan, i've never seen that much cash.
Me neither.
one million.
Look at it, look at it, mother.
See how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface.
Eric, that is a lot of money.
Don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your house? I'm not keeping it, mr.
Garrison, i'm spending it.
On what? On my dream, On the one thing i've wanted ever since i can remember.
Excuse me, son, i'm an investment broker, I can help you invest that money.
Nah-Uh, i'm spending it.
Eric, god could sure use that money for a bigger church.
I think god has plenty of money.
What the hell are you doing, fat-Ass? Not much, just taking my one million dollars out of the bank.
Oh my god.
Kenny wasn't lying.
Would you mind stepping aside, i've got a purchase to make.
Dude, can you loan me Ha! If you need money you can get a job, stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-Earned cash.
Your grandma left it to you, you didn't earn it! Didn't earn it? What about all the years i spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-Filled kisses i put up with.
The constant smell of aspirin and pee.
Don't tell me i didn't earn it, you son of a bitch! No, no, this is impossible.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
No, i mean this is impossible, stan.
Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world.
How is it that god gives him a million dollars? Come on, we gotta see what cartman is doing with his money.
Why, how could you do this? There are people starving in alabama And you give cartman a million dollars? And if we can just get you to sign here, and here.
You're sure this is what you want, sweetie? My own amusement park, mother, i'm sure.
And now you just sign here mr.
I can't do it.
What? What? I can't sell this poor kid my park.
Look, i haven't been honest with you.
The park hasn't been doing great business.
Frank, shh.
It ain't right, chris.
The truth is, the park is a financial flop.
I haven't turned a profit in years Because i can't keep attendance up.
Oh, but i'm not buying the park to get people to come.
You- You're not? No, no, no.
I'm buying it to keep people out! Don't you see? Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park, So that i could be alone in it all day, every day.
I love theme parks, but the lines Everywhere you go- People, crowds.
The rides are are great, But all the lines, lines, lines! If there's one thing i hate, All the lines, lines, lines, lines! And then, there get to be so many people That they make "fast pass".
So then there's lines for fast pass.
You sign in line to get a ticket to stand in line later.
Then there's lines for the bathrooms, lines for drinks.
Lines for kartankulas and rare kartankula plinks.
And so you see, this park is for me.
Nobody else will be allowed in.
Oh well, then i guess i don't feel bad.
Cartman, congratulations, the theme park is yours.
Gentlemen, i thank you.
Kyle? Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you.
Kyle? Do you know what happened to me this morning, stan? This morning, i woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass.
I felt down there and found this big sore lump On my ass, stan.
I couldn't even sit down, so, I had to tell my mom, which was humiliating.
She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, And he told me i have a hemorrhoid.
It's like an inflicted blood vessel on your ass.
I'm nine years old and i have a hemorrhoid, stan.
I have a hemorrhoid And cartman has his own theme park.
Kyle, i understand what you mean, but- Do you, do you, stan? Because all my life i was raised to believe in jehovah, To believe that we should all behave a certain way And good things will come to us.
I make mistakes, but every week i try to better myself.
I'm always saying, "y'know, i learned something today.
" And what does this so-Called god give me in return? A hemorrhoid.
He doesn't make sense- What is your logic?! Ow.
Look, cartman, he thinks he's gonna be happy Because he has his own amusement park, But he's gonna find out that without other people The rides are totally lame.
I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? I bet he's sick of it already.
Yes! Yes! Awesome! Ho ho! Sweet, yes! Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
Make sure your seatbelt is fastened, enjoy the mine shaft! Heh, heh, heh-Heh.
Yes! Yes! Oh, cool! Oh, look how much fun i had.
Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
Waa! Heh, heh.
Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
Ooh, adventure island, check it out, awesome! Woo hoo, yeah! I'm so happy.
I'm so happy! Oh, hey, dude, "Terrance & phillip" is just about to start.
What's that? It's my seat ring.
I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid, ow.
Heh, heh.
So, how are things going at cartman's theme park? Dude, just forget about it, We can't let him get to us or he wins.
I guess you're right.
Hey, everybody check out the all-New cartmanland! It's our grand opening! Cartmanland has over Six roller coasters, and tons of great surprises.
And the best part is, you can't come! That's right, because at cartmanland Only i, eric cartman, can get in.
That means only i can ride the all-New tornado twister.
A roller coaster that splashes into water- Wow! It's the greatest amusement park in the colorado area.
And nobody can go.
Especially stan and kyle! Ha, ha, ha! So come on down to cartmanland now, But don't plan on getting past the parking lot, 'Cause remember: ? So much to do at cartmanland but you can't come? Especially you, stan and kyle.
That does it! Come on, dude.
Where we going? We're getting into that fat-Ass's park Whether he likes it or not.
Whoa! Heh, heh.
Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
Oh, man, that was awesome! That one part with the spider that dropped on you, Oh, man, that totally got me, that was sweet.
Help, help, help! Oh, that hurts! What the hell? You sons of bitches! Come on, dude! Oh, god, i popped it.
Oh, it hurts! What the hell are you doing?! Oh, crap.
Oh, god, get me off of here.
Dude! Stan, i have to go home.
I need my cream, i need my cream! All right, let's go.
That's right, you stay out! You can't keep out forever, you fat-Ass! We'll be back as soon as kyle's hemorrhoid is better.
My life can't get any worse! You'll see, we'll get in.
All right, so listen.
All i want you to do is keep anybody out Who tries to get in here.
If you see anybody on my property, Especially stan and kyle, you are to shoot on sight.
So, what does this job pay? All right, now this is very hard for me to do, you understand.
But in return for you working security I'll let you ride two rides a day.
But only two rides and only if i'm not on them.
Uh, i'm afraid i don't really like rides.
But, you can ride anything you want.
And you don't have to wait in line.
I'm not interested.
Dude, are you from mars or something? Any ride you want, no lines.
If you need security, i need a cash salary.
But i don't have any cash, I spent everything on this park.
Well, look, why don't you just let A couple of people in each day.
Every day you can just let two people in, Charge 29.
95 for tickets, And then you can use that to pay my daily salary.
Uh, two people! This place is huge, you'll never notice two people.
And then you'll have security for your park.
Well, all right, god damn it.
I'll open the park to two people each day.
But remember, anybody else you see trespassing in the park- I will shoot on sight.
You're a very lucky little boy.
I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected.
It could've killed you.
Oh, look, kyle, your little friend stan is here to see you.
Dude, you okay? Oh, i'm swell, stan.
I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence Into cartmanland and it got infected.
I really need to go to the bathroom, But if i do, it will pop again And the pain will make me pass out.
How are you? Well, um, i found out that cartman's letting A few people each day into his theme park.
I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
I'm afraid kyle can't ride any amusement park rides For over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
But it's okay, stan, because i finally figured it out.
You see, if someone like cartman could get a million dollars and his own theme park, Then there is no god, there's no god, dude.
Kyle, don't say such things! Why, why mom? Because if i do, something bad will happen to me? Because if i do, your god might not shower me With his blessings of infected hemorrhoids.
Kyle, you just don't understand, it's- No, i finally do understand! There is no justice! There is no god! Do you hear me?! I renounce my faith! All right, all right, listen up, people.
Cartmanland is open, but only to two people each day.
Ohh! That's gay.
I've just gotta cover my security expenses.
Butters, clyde you can come in.
Oh! Oh! Rest of you will just have to try another day.
Hey, one park admission, that'll be $29.
95 sir.
Five cents is your change.
Enjoy your stay at cartmanland.
Oh boy, oh boy! And enjoy your stay at cartmanland.
Oh, finally work is over.
Now i can get back to riding my rides.
? Da-Da-Da i've got my own theme park? Hmm, what should i go on now? I know, i'll go on the haunted mansion ride again! ? Da-Da da da da-Da da-Da-Da? ? Da da-? What are you doing? We're in line for the spook house.
Line? Line!? I hate lines! Can't you go on something else right now? We want to see the spook house.
Well, we paid $29.
We should be able to go in the spook house.
But i think it's broke down.
The cars aren't moving.
All right, all right, hang on.
Security! What? Look, the haunted house ride broke down.
I need you to fix it.
Ah, i'm security, not maintenance.
But i don't know how it works.
Well, your rides are gonna break down every now and then.
You need to hire a maintenance person.
Uh, all right, all right.
I'll let two more people in each day.
So i can hire a maintenance person.
All right folks, we've had another change in policy.
I've had to hire a maintenance person And to pay his salary, I have to let in two more people a day.
However, the stupid maintenance person Demanded i have food and drinks in the park.
So now i've had to hire a beverage person And a cotton candy person.
Which means i now have to let eight people come in a day.
But, you are to try your best Not to ride any rides that i am on.
Understood? All right, let's go.
Timmy! Wait a minute, who are you? Mike gainer.
Ha, get the hell out of here, stan! Goddammit cartman, let me in! I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid.
Security! It is stupid, cartman.
You made kyle lose his faith in god, you fat asshole! Get him out of here.
Move along, sir.
Ah! This isn't over, cartman! Uh! Well, now i can finally get back to riding my rides.
Oh man, i'm so scared.
Aah! Ah! Aaah! Just a little more.
There we go.
Hello, kyle, how's the hemorrhoid today? Awesome.
Kyle, we want to tell you about the book of job.
It's a story from the bible.
I've had enough of the bible, what has it gotten me? Oh, i think you'll see differently after hearing this.
Sit down, kyle.
Ah, okay.
You see, job lived in the east of jordan A long, long time ago.
Job was a great man.
He was blessed with ten lovely children, A wonderful wife and many friends.
He was a godly and a good man and fed the poor.
He was the most upright and honorable of men.
And every day he praised god.
But one day, Satan went up to heaven and talked to god.
Satan talked to god? Yes, in the book of job satan talks to god.
And god says to satan, "have you seen job? He is a great man and he praises me every day.
" But satan said, "oh yeah? "He only praises you because you gave him so much.
"If you didn't give him those things He would curse your name.
" To which god said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you satan.
"I'll take those things away from job And he will still praise my name.
" And so, god had a bunch of barbarians come in And slaughter job's ox and donkeys And murder all his workers.
Then god sent his fireballs from the sky And killed his sheep and the rest of his employees.
And then as job's sons and daughters were eating God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house And crushed and killed them all.
Job was terribly sad But he felt to his knees and said, "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
" And praised god's name.
So then, job got painful sores all over his body.
He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, everyday.
But he still kept his faith.
God said to satan, "See? I told you! Job still praises me.
" And that's it? That's the end? Basically.
That's the most horrible story i've ever heard.
Why would god do such horrible things to a good person Just to prove a point to satan? Oh, uh, i don't know.
Then i was right.
Job has all his children killed And michael bay gets to keep making movies.
There isn't a god.
And since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance I have to let in two more people a day To cover those expenses.
Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary So that's three more admissions a day.
Clean-Up crew for the bathroom Money to cover paint and upkeep.
So, that's about four admissions, Bringing the grand total to God damn it.
into the park today.
Wo-Hoo! Yeah! Alright! Welcome to cartmanland.
Isn't he getting any better, doctor? I don't understand it.
He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all.
It's like he Like he's lost all hope.
Well, if you'll excuse me I've got some more tests to run.
And now back to "money quest" onhbc.
Welcome back to money quest.
In just over two weeks Young financial genius eric cartman Has managed to turn a theme park That was seeing less than Into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
And the way he did it Was with the brilliant "you can't come" technique.
For the first several days The young businessman saturated the market With claims that nobody could get into his park.
It made the public crazy.
So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors They were lining up around the block.
Simply amazing.
Well, i think we should point out That this technique is already being applied By businesses all over the country.
I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations.
Nobody can eat here.
You'll have to leave now.
No, i'm sorry, you can't see this movie.
Nobody can see this movie.
Ican't even go in.
Out! Nobody is allowed into "crazy's" anymore! Get out of here! Amazing.
Eric cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
Uh, uhaah Kyle? Kyle? Get the doctor! Goddammit, stop running into me! Woo-Hoo, woo- Hooo! Woo-H- Ack! Ahhhhh! My god, look at it, chris.
That kid completely turned this place around.
He sure did.
Oh, if i could only have a park that worked like this.
Hey, there you are.
Oh, hello.
Congratulations on your success.
Just give me my money back.
What? I changed my mind, i don't want your stupid park.
But it's doing great.
You call this great? I call it hell.
Trade me back, goddammit.
You bet! I'll go get your money right now.
Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets? Goddammit, get the out of my way! Isn't he responding at all doctor? I'm sorry, your son appears to be losing the battle.
I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs.
Normally the body would fight the infection, But he's, he's just given up on life.
But then, are you saying? There's nothing more i can do.
Little fella's just lost his will to live.
Oh kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight! Good riddance you stupid park, you can all kiss my ass! Excuse me, eric cartman? Yeah.
I'm frank gerret with the irs.
You haven't kept records of your income or payout And there's a $500,000 discrepancy.
Seize the assets.
Hey! Hey, that's my money! There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park.
The family is entitled to the rest of this.
What, kenny? He dies all the time! You still owe $13,000 more than this, mr.
We'll see you in court.
You can't take my money, goddammit! We know how well your park is doing.
You'll make it back in no time.
Ah! But i- Ah! Hey, hey, mr.
Foon, i changed my mind.
I need the park to make my money back.
No way, jose.
But i'm getting sued now.
If i don't have the park i lose everything.
"I don't care," said pierre.
I'm from france.
This can't be happening! Aaah! Kyle, you gotta come see! Kyle is not going to make it, stanley.
Oh, gerald! Doctor, can we wheel kyle out of here on his bed With the machines attached? Well, i supposed it could be rigged, but i Then damn it, man, do it! It isn't fair! You goddamn assholes, it isn't fair! Look kyle, look.
You just build me up to knock me down, didn't you?! What about my dreams? What about my money? Huh? I'm so pissed off! Move along, sir.
You are vandalizing private property.
Hey, you used to work for me! Goddammit, you son of a bitch! Kyle.
He's coming back.
That's it baby, that's it.
Oh goddamnit, this sucks! Wait a minute, yes, The hemorrhoid is going into remission.
Arrrrrr rrr! Look kyle, cartman is totally miserable, Even more miserable than he was before Because he's had his dream and lost it.
It's not fair! It's not fair, i wanna die! I wanna die! Youareup there.
comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™
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