South Park s07e15 Episode Script

It's Christmas in Canada

"It's Christmas in Canada" # Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov # - I gotta go tinkle.
- No Ike! Shh! # Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim vi-tov # We thank God for our blessings this Chanukah.
Our little family is so loving and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart.
I'll get it.
- Gerald Broflovski? - Yes? My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise.
We're from Canada.
Yes, I can tell.
My wife and I had a child a few years back, and, we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption.
We were told that you might be the-- Peter! Oh God, Harry! It's our son! Peter, it's Mommy.
Gerald, what the hell is going on? I'm not sure.
It was a tough time for us.
It was a tough time for all of Canada.
The whole country was devastated by the cola wars.
It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby.
So we put him up for adoption.
But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart.
Oh, it's so good to see him.
Well we wish you all the best, Mr.
and Mrs.
Gints, but to be honest, I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again.
I don't think you understand.
We didn't come to visit Peter, we came to take him back.
What? We want to take Peter home, to Canada.
Are you crazy?! Look, you gave Ike up.
You can't just change your mind.
Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear.
And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home.
The new Canadian Prime Minister? Look, Ike is our son now! He doesn't belong here.
He belongs in Canada with his own kind.
I think you'd better leave.
Please, don't make this any harder for Peter.
Harder for Peter?! Now you two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we're being hard on Peter? We're prepared to go to court! We had hoped it wouldn't come to that! Well, you bet your ass it'll come to that! I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied.
The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override.
By Canadian law, I must award custody of the child to his birth parents.
Yes! Yes! No! Ike's not my little brother anymore? Gerald, do something! There's nothing I can do.
Good-bye, Ike.
You be a good boy, huh? You remember all the things we taught you.
Ike, you'll always be my little brother, okay? Come on, Peter, we should get going.
No! Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy.
No no no no no! I have some chocolate.
Chocolate! We're going to take good care of him.
You'd better! Dad, can't we talk to this new Canadian Prime Minister? If he knew the situation, he might-- Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take time and money we don't have.
Dude, look at that.
Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory.
I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas.
Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action.
Guys, I need your help.
Sure, dude.
It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse.
I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's Christmas! Yeah, dude.
What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure? Please, you guys, you don't understand.
My family is devastated.
My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying.
Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle, but I think this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmastime.
Dude, Cartman.
I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having a little revenge, that's all.
I found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada.
If we go as soon as possible, then-- Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada.
Look, they're about to light the Christmas tree.
Maybe you can get your brother back some other way.
Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year, I still wouldn't help you.
Three! Two! One! Yaay! As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering.
As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them.
As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain.
Are there any suggestions how we might help? How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans? Mr.
Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you "no!" Rats! The Broflovskis need money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister.
What if this Christmas, instead of buyin' presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis? Ha! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas! That's a great idea, Chef.
- What? - Yeah.
Who needs more stuff, anyway? This Christmas, we can do somethin' that really matters! Dad, don't get carried away.
Then it's settled: This year, we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis, in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them.
No! No, this can't be happening! You fucking asshole! This is all your fault! What? Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! You fucking Jews ruined Christmas again! Whoa whoa, Cartman.
It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh?! - Cartman, calm down! - Is that true? It's true, dude.
Christmas is ruined.
This is it, Kyle.
You and me.
We're throwin' down.
Right now.
I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do.
We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said.
If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money.
You really think if we go to Canada, we might still get Christmas presents? It's worth a shot.
Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Oh all right, but we'd better not miss out on any great Christmas adventures.
We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.
But if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle.
Once and for all.
No business Christmastime come and nobody wanna eat Chinese food.
Looks like I might as well close.
Oh boy! Some business! Finally! Herro? Shitty Wok, take orda prease! Oh, I must have the wrong number.
We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease.
Herro, Shitty Airrines.
Can I help you take orda prease? Uh, we need to go to Canada.
As soon as possible.
Oooh, Canada.
Okay, that's uh pretty far.
Gonna cost ya a rot of money hmlet's she.
How many people? Four.
Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura.
How about fifty daura? Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura! Fifty-five daura.
Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura! Okay.
Sixty daura.
Sixty-two daura.
Meet me Park County Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Got it.
Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.
We have exactly fifty-two hours before Christmas.
That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our parents twenty-four hours to buy us presents.
Mark! Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine.
Oh no, no no no no, I am not flying in that thing! Me neither! Why not? 'Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die! You're not gonna die, Kenny.
Don't be stupid.
You guys go get Ike.
Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
No, you're both coming.
Do you care about Christmas or not? Of course I care about Christmas-- Doh, Christ on a stick! Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here! Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines.
This is your captain speaking.
Rooking about a two hour fright.
I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now.
If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them.
Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Shitty fright.
All right! We're going to Canada! Sweet.
Hey, turn off the right.
Wha- oh! What's going on? Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking.
As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down.
Now would be a good time to reflect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in.
Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines.
We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one.
Hey, where the hell are you going? - Do something, Kyle! - I'm trying! Look out! You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore.
Eh-xcuse me? Uh, is this an invasion? No.
Oh thank heavens! It's okay.
Everyone, it's not an invasion! Hey! We're in Canada! Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you! # Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you! # # We're just like any other country without the big tattoo # # We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may? # # What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today? # Uh.
My adopted brother got taken back here to Canada? So, we want to talk to the new Canadian Prime Minister about getting him back? # His brother is our quest.
The question is, is what? # # You must talk to the new Prime Minister # # if you think his brother's home's back there.
# Oh Jesus Christ.
Hey! What the hell is going on?! It's Scott! Who damaged our beloved Canadian land? Who's that? That's Scott! He's a dick! A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now! Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these boys alone! This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day! God, what a dick! Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is? The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada.
He's in Ottawa.
So how do we get to Ottawa? Oh that's easy.
You just have to follow the road.
Which road? This is Canada.
We only have one road.
# Follow the only road # # Follow the only road # # To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road # # There's only one road in Canada # # We call it the Road, the only road # # Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road # # And it's paved and wide and up to code # All right dude, let's get the hell out of here! Word! # You're off to see the Prime Minister, # # the Prime Minister of Canada! # Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick! Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck.
Twenty hours until Christmas.
Our parents still have time to buy us presents if we hurry.
Ahoy there, travelers.
Who are you? I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie.
I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Yes, we are.
But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride But if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
You're going to see the new Prime Minister.
Oh, I would so like to meet him myself.
It's his strange new laws that took our horses away.
Perhaps I will go with you.
That's okay, - we'd rather just go by ourselves.
- Follow me this way! We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada! Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you! Oh Jesus, eighteen hours.
We're running out of time! All right boys, prepare yourselves.
We're about to enter French Canada.
French Canada? # There'z no Canada like French Canada, # # it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
# # Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada # # If you lived here for a day, you'd understand # Welcome to French Canada.
We have everyzing your heart could desire.
And lots and lots of cheese.
Would you like a moustache? Just stay calm, boys.
French Canadians are a little odd.
Ah, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Well first you must answer that phone.
We don't have time for this.
You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! Ring-ring.
Hello? Allo.
If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you.
He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
How can ze French not drink wine? Travestie! Okay, you can come with us.
Very good! Let us make haste! # There'z no Canada like French Canada, # # it'z za bezt Canada in ze land # # And ze ozer Canada # # Is a bullshit Canada # # If you lived here for a day, you'd understand # # I think you'd understand # # You understand # Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place! It reminds me of death and fear.
How much further to Ottawa! Christmas is only twelve hours away.
We must be very close now.
Ey! What are you doing? Oh no.
It's Scott.
What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world? You're a dick, Scott! You're a dick! And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you! Not a-hire, Scott! Who the hell are you? I'm Steve the Newfoudlander.
And you'er on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested! Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you.
I'll fix all of you! Woo, that was a close call.
Thank you, kind Newfie! God-damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister! Now! Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland.
Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Can we just get going, please? Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
What? You folks are goin' the wrong way.
What? But I thought there was only one road in Canada.
And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Ohh, that's right.
Ottawa is that way.
Of course.
Ottawa left, Newfoundland right! Oh no! How could you be so stupid! There's no way we can go all the way back.
We'll never make it now! It's okay, boys.
The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there! Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there.
Is it working? Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! I told you if I missed Christmas we were gonna throw down! Well it's on! We're gonna have it out right now! Of course, we could always take my boat, eh? Oh yes! On the river, we could travel to Ottawa in no time! Well, come on! Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister.
Do you think we can still make it in time? We'd better, Kyle.
Or you're dead.
Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost Christmas! Yes? We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! Oh well, zo much for zat.
Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? No.
No! Yes? Please, sir.
I traveled a long way to get here.
He's the only person who can help me.
The Prime Minister isn't here.
He's in China on official business.
So you might as well go home.
Good-bye! Then that's it.
I'm I'm never going to get my brother back.
And I'm not going to get any Christmas presents.
I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure.
And I'm not gonna have a Oh please! Please stop crying.
I'm gonna kill you, Kyle.
All right all right, I was lying.
The Prime Minister is here.
- Really? - Yes, yes.
Come in.
I am the Prime Minister of Canada.
What do you guys want? Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who have given their children up for adoption to change their minds.
- My little brother was-- - Not so fast! - Ike! - Kyle! Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins! Would you send him back to America with those world-hungry scum? Please, sir.
I came because I don't think Ike belongs here.
Family isn't about whose blood you have in you, family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you.
We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother.
We've taken care of him because he needed us to, and that makes us more family than anything.
That was a great speech, guy.
But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever! Haha, you lose, Americans! Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.
And we won't get our wine.
And we can't perform sodomy, eh? But why are you making such strange laws? I said go! Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! You bastards! Wha, what the hell is wrong with you? What kind of Prime Minister bases his decisions on hatred? And, and takes away mounties' horses? And French people's wine? What the hell kind of Prime Minister are you, anyway? I am the Prime Minister of Canada.
I can do whatever I-- Uh oh.
Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
What the hell? Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein! Saddam Hussein? Naw, relax, baby.
I'm not him.
Zat explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before.
Saddam Hussein? - He was fooling us? - Get him! Ahh, don't shoot.
I want to negotiate.
Hey, relax! Wait a minute.
This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void.
We can have our horses back! And we can drink our wine.
And I can sodomize me boys again.
Young man, you must really care for Peter to have come all this way.
Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back.
He doesn't belong here.
He belongs with his family.
Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado? What is that? It's Christmas.
We officially missed it.
It's Christmas Day and I'm in Canada.
Wull yeah, but I got my brother back.
Yeah! You got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? I told you that if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?! Dude, come on.
Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! That's right! You and me! Right now! We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on! Mom! Mooom! Hey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style! # Ding dong, they caught Saddam! # # Merry Christmas to the world! # # Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam! # # Now Canada is free for you and you and me # # It's the best Christmas presents we ever got # # Canadian Christmas, it's the best! # # We drink and dance and show our breasts! # # Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught! # Oh well.
Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year.

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