South Park s08e11 Episode Script

Quest for Ratings

This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School.
And now, Super School News.
News made for students, by students.
Welcome to Ssuper School News.
I'm Jimmy Valmer.
And I'm Rick Cartman.
The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents.
The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.
Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine.
So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded.
And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet.
Now that's traditionally a uh, a white meat chicken breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked.
I've been told there will also be tater-tots, and a vegetable dish.
This is really shaping up to be a ah ah one fantastic lunch.
Eric? Hard-hitting reporting, Stan.
Thanks a lot.
And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch.
Butters, seen any celebrities? Nu-noo, not yet.
I've been standin' out in front of the school for about .
two hours now ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities.
Uh about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih ih turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.
All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.
Will do.
More snow for South P p-p Park.
Here's Token Black with the weather.
Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way.
I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday.
Guys? Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports.
And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.
Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric.
They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand.
Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit.
Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.
And that's all for Super School News.
Enjoy your day at South Park Eh- .
eh- eh- eh- ehehehehe eh- Elementary.
And we're cut! All right, nice reporting, guys.
Boy, that was a GREAT episode! Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.
Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
The school has to cancel your show What?? For God's sake, why Mr.
M-m-Meryl? Well, the students just aren't watching ya.
Your rating was only a four this whole week.
How many students is that? Four.
Four students watch your show.
And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57! Craig's show?? What is that butthole doing now?! O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens.
Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens.
But that's that's crap! That's not even TV! It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show.
Just one person and a video camera.
Craig is a genius.
Uh sorry, kids.
But, Mr.
Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students.
They need to know the facts, and our news team them, very much.
Kids don't care about the news, boys.
It's boring.
Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens.
Please, Mr.
Meryl, but, the news is our life.
Without it, we have nothing.
I'm sorry, kids.
Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done.
It's just that it's kind of gay.
You're gay!! Gee whiz.
We sure worked hard on that new show.
Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.
Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy.
We're not in the mood.
If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle.
Come on! There you go! God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park! Hey look, Craig just walked in.
Yeah! Hey look, it's Craig! Hey, Craig, over here! Geez, and all that from a stupid video show.
Oh hey guys.
Heard about your news show being cancelled.
Go play with yourself, Craig.
Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh.
They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows.
Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! This much more than you had! Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! (Woohoo!) Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?? (Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.
) You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that?! We've always been supercool to you! Hah ha ha ha ha ha We're gonna do a neeew show And you can't do it with us because you are too poor and poor people don't watch the news nyanyanyanyanya nya Ah whatever, Kenny! Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle close-up animals.
Put it, put it up on the, monitors! Cuuute.
Super cuuute.
Gah, I just don't get it.
Wow, those animals are pretty cute.
Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal.
Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better! Yeah.
Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, he'll let us stay on the air! Well, what are we waitin' for?! Come on, guys! All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show.
How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.
It should be Sexy News.
Action News.
Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.
Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.
We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting.
Hey, yeah.
Uhwhy I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.
Nice, Butters, write that down! Lie about celebrities.
We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders And panda bears for the preschoolers.
Good! Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.
Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.
Oh boy! Fellas, are you sure all of this ie eh- ethical? We're in fourth grade, Timmy.
We don't even know what ethical means.
All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work.
Get out there and get some stories! Sexy Action School News Team, ho! Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? Look, Token, I, I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh.
Well the thing is, Token, we we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.
Huh? You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news.
Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them.
That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more.
wha, how should I say white.
Token, all the great African-Americans newspeople have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect.
There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings.
This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television.
And now, Time for the Sexy Action School News!! Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later.
But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls! Woohoo! Woohoo! Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination.
No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.
Woowoo!! And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.
No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley.
Should bring us some chilly days ahead.
The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up- Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the jinx on some students' bathroom habits.
Kyle? Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman, pees sitting down like a girl.
We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner stuffs her bra.
And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.
One testicle! What an asshole! Uh oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity scene shot, with Butters.
This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr travesty.
All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're goin' to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle.
Then let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.
That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.
Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show.
Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm.
Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got Skidmark Monday.
But this is real news! It's boring news, Jimmy.
How do you know?? You you haven't s-seen it yet! All right, tell me about it.
Well, in the interview, Mr.
Cheney tells me all about how the- Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy.
I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school! No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb.
We're just giving them what they want.
We're making the news more appealing to students.
This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibliltiy to bring students the fa.
the facts! Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-nununews reporting.
I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings.
Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers! All right! Woohoo! Awesome! I knew we could do it! We beat Close-up Animals! Oh man, this is sooo great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show.
Craig's new show? All the students love it.
It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens.
Wearing Hats.
Take a look.
That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya.
He's like an idea machine.
Does Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled? I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys.
I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class.
You have to learn now how important ratings are! Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.
And I guess your best wasn't good enough.
I don't believe it.
I can't lose this extracurricular credit.
I need it to pass fourth grade! Stupid news hair! Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point.
We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.
Yeah, Jimmy's right.
I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig.
To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever! What if we do a show where we go to- Uh, no.
How about we have us, um hmmm.
Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas? Well how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us.
We did that! Wow, coming up with ideas is hard.
Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! How about we do a show with us ughhh.
Thee uhhh.
What if the-? Wait, I've got it.
Crab people.
Crab people? They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground.
Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people.
Hey, I know! We should read the funnies! I always get good ideas from the funnies.
Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies! Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, a-and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time.
" Yeah! You guys! Heh.
How about we do a show where we kill Butters? So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing we're playin' .
uh the back nine at your house.
" We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.
We have crab people.
Just sayin'.
Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine! Cough medicine? That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess.
They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.
Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.
How do we know which one to use? How about this one? Calminex? "Warning: Taking more than the recommended amount can cause severe side effects.
" That sounds perfect.
B-b-bbingo! Can I help you boys? Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.
Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.
It's not? No! What you want is Calminex PM.
It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.
Oh, okay.
Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu.
Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.
Wha, what do you think, fellas? I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission.
Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs.
Come on over to the register.
Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight.
Oh, Jezuth Christh Woo.
We aren't havin' a party.
Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? Us too.
All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil.
and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down.
We might not remember everything otherwise.
Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart.
Hohhh, it's all think and g-gooey.
I don't have any ideas yet.
Stan? Dude, Stan, you all right? I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
Stan, are you getting good ideas? Whoa I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.
Stan? Stan, come on.
We're gonna go find a frog.
Oh Stan, I just got the best idea Me too.
Hey! Let's run naked through the street! Dude, this TV show is awesome.
It's 's the greatest show of all time.
I could watch this for days.
Super cuuute.
You guys.
You guys, wake up! Ah! Huh? Butters, get away from me! Oh Jesus, where are my clothes?? We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show.
I didn't come up with anything.
Ah I did.
I wrote something down.
Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle.
I wrote down all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.
You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.
It was great.
No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before.
I think I understand now.
I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine! Jesus, you may be right.
Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible.
It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives! This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School.
And now, a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! With the Sexy Action School News Team! It's the report you can't afford to miss! And now here's Rick Cartman! They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remiedy.
But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name.
Hoochie, wombat juice,tigger yum yum.
Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.
Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world.
of cough medicine abuse.
They're doing it in the hallways! Behind the school! Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork! Even in the girls' bathroom! Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you! We showed the shocking footage to the principal! Oh my goodness! P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fuh-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o.
Well I we So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise.
Theradryl DM.
For kids.
Dexa Cough, children's formula.
And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch.
Still no celebrities, Eric.
Uhn, I'll keep my eyes open.
The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary.
But they took action: ridded their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen.
Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings! Twenty-two people?? All right! You wanted to see me, Mr.
Meryl? Oh yes, Craig.
It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly.
Gee, what a concidence.
I wonder oo-oo.
w-why? You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically.
Haha! In your face, Craig! You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows.
I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story.
Get to it! Nobody has any ideas? This sucks.
I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time.
It hurts my head.
Dude, bail? I think bail.
Yep, b-b-b-bail.
WilLoW :--) January 25th, 2005
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