South Park s10e08 Episode Script

Make Love, Not Warcraft

I'm going out to South Park gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation I'm goin out to south park gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor I'm heading out to south park to see if i cant unwind I like girls with big fat titties really big fat titties So come on out to south park and meet some friends of mine Episode 10x08 "Make Love, Not Warcraft" Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap.
Hey, where are you guys? We're over here, by the cart.
Okay, I'm back.
Dude! We've been waiting forever! Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump! If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass! Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl! I think Kyle has fake titties, hahaaha.
Heheh, totally, heheh.
Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
Stan? Staan? Hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
Stan?! What?! You've been on your computere all weekend.
Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends? I am socializing, r-tard.
I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting xp with my party using teamspeak! I'm not a r-tard.
All right, sorry guys.
So where to now? See where I am? It's this way.
Yeah, come on, let's go! I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth! Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
Yeah, it's bullcrap.
I'll bet half these of these people are Koreans.
Oh crap! It's that guy again! Who is this? This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed! Get out of here, asshole! He's a way higher level than us.
It isn't fair.
It's all right.
He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
Oh my God, he killed Kenny! You bastard! Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?! No! I don't want them to start over at the graveyard! No! That son of a bitch! Who is that guy? Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.
World of Warcraft support line.
Yeah, we bought your game and played it online but every time we log in, some other player comes in and kills us! O.
ohhh that shouldn't happen.
We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel before they can kill each other.
Yeah, well this guy does it anyway! He's a Goddamned butthole! Really? That's odd.
More people calling in about their characters getting killed.
Oh no.
Well, we'll certainly keep a look out for that player and ban him from the network.
Better tell the guys upstairs.
Fellow board members, we have a problem.
Somebody in the World of Warcraft is ignoring the World's rules and is going around killing innocent players.
Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests.
We've got to delete him from the servers.
We can't.
Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft so much that he has reached a level we thought unreachable.
He's actually able to kill our admins.
And he grows stronger every day.
Jesus I've gotta get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now! Jim, your kids' characters are already dead.
No no.
They just started playing! What kind of person would do this? Only one kind.
Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half.
Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.
How do you kill that which has no life? Randy, you workin' on that sediment analysis? Not now, Nelson.
I just joined a big party of night elves and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together.
Is that a computer game? No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG.
These are real people I'm playing with.
See, I'm a hunter, level 2.
I can chat with all these other people.
I can even wave to this guy, see? "Hello.
" In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here I am Valkorn, Defender of the Alliance.
I've braved the Fargo deep mine to feed it the bloodfish at Jaro d's Landing.
Looks like that guy just killed you.
What? Why? Why?! My friends As you all know, some giant butthole keeps logging onto Warcraft and killing all our characters.
The past four nights we've tried to play, he shows up and kills us! He killed my character right in the middle of a quest! Mine too! We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone.
But, if we all log in together, we might have a chance.
Hey yeah! We can really stick it to that assm-m-muncher! Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him, even with all of us.
It's a waste of time.
Dude, we have to try.
I've got better things to do.
Clyde, Clyde! If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right? I'm just gonna stop playing.
When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing.
You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde? No.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde? All right all right, I'll do it! So what's the p-plan? All right, you all login from your computers at precisely 7:30.
We will meet here, on the plains of the elven forest near Westfall.
My friends, to victory! To victory! I don't play World of Warcraft.
Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time! Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure.
Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
O-oh, o-oh, a-alright.
All right then.
All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on defensive stance.
Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff.
Got it.
The battle is sure to be long so make sure you all have your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
All right, Eric.
You can c-c-count on us.
Timmy! This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with- - Hey fellas! Boy, this is neato, huh? Butters? What the hell are you doing? I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
Well, there's only like four races to choose from- So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character and log back in! I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more 'n this stuff.
Come on, let's do this! Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
Then let's move out! Look! There he is! Everyone hold! He's targeting us.
Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors! And Right-click! What the? Oh Jesus, he summoned scorpions! I'm burning! Oh Jesus I'm burning! Kenny's down.
K-k-kenny is down.
I have poop on my pants.
Ike, look out! Kyle All right, Clyde, hit him with your crossbow! Hit him now, Clyde! Clyde? Clyde! Clyde! Come on, you guys, move! Goddamnit we lost Clyde! Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys? Dad? Yeah, I'm playing from the office.
Dad, get off our teamspeak line! That's it, I'm dead! That's it, screw this game! No, leave me alone, don't do that, dugh God-fucking-damnit! Oh Jesus Oh God no What? He just finished killing every single player in the Arathi Highlands.
How many people's characters were in there? Over five thousand.
There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people's characters are going to die and there's nothing we can do to save them? Yes.
And it won't be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether.
Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World of Warcraft.
No! Noooo! What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft too?! Dude, we're done.
We're sick of getting killed all the time.
Guys, when things look bad, you can't just give up on the world.
Of Warcraft.
We don't have a choice, dude.
That guy killed our characters 14 times.
I have a solution, you guys.
That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-high level, right? What if we were super-high level too? We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests! That's why we just need to log in and stay in the forest, killing boars.
Boars? There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow.
Dude, boars are only worth two experience points apiece.
Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels? Yes.
Sixty-five million three hundred and forty thousand two hundred and eighty five.
Which should take us seven weeks, five days, thirteen hours and twenty minutes giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep.
What do you say, guys? You can just, you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossin' a ball around or you can sit at your computer and do somethin' that matters.
Live to win, till you die, till the light dies in your eyes! Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall! Day by day, kickin' all the way I'm not cavin' in Let another round begin, live to win Yeah! Live! Yeah! Win! Sir, you'd better have a look at this! Four of our subscribers They've gone up fifty levels in three weeks.
My God they must have no lives at all.
A hope? - A chance.
Live to win, till you die, till the light dies in your eyes My mouse-clicking finger hurts.
- Come on, Kyle! You can do it! just keep fighting 'till you fall Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' in Let another round begin, live to win Live to win Live to win Yeah, win The admins tell us they are four players from a small town in Colorado.
Are they strong enough to defeat the Evil One? We ran the numbers, even with their amazing rise in levels they have a 90% mortality probability.
They'd be walking in a slaughter! There has to be someway we can help them.
What about the Sword of a Thousand Truths? Quiet, Thomas! We aren't even to speak of that sword! But maybe these new players are the ones the prophecy foretold of.
It is not an option! What is this sword? Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created one of the programmers put a sword, called the Sword of a Thousand Truths into the game inventory.
Apparently it could cause with an instant mana burn and an enchantment that boosts its stamina +80.
But the sword was considered to be too powerful for anyone to possess.
So it was removed from the game and stored on a one-gig flash drive.
But it was foretold that one day players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves.
Who foretold this prophecy? Soltzman.
He's an accountant.
Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths.
We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life.
Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle before we can reach them.
All right, you guys.
The Moment of Truth is here.
It is time for our final battle.
Everyone, log in! I'm in.
Me too.
- Me too.
Everyonen equip healing potions to the hotbar if you haven't already.
Uh, Kyle, go ahead and cast Arcane Brilliance to raise our intelligence.
Hang on, I'm chaining my fire spells for max range.
N ice.
Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have? Plus 15 agility.
Give the cloak to Kenny.
He needs the agility boost for bow attacks.
Hold on, this fight could last more than twelve hours.
What if we run out of food? Don't worry, I have that covered.
Mom? Yes, hon? More Hot Pockets! Right away, hon.
That's ├╝bercool.
All right, everyone ready? Ready.
- Ready.
Let's go get him! Wait, I think I see him.
Yeah, yeah he's here in Goldshire.
Okay, everyone open your uplifts and autolocate to Stan.
What's the autolocate macro? Command zero.
Okay, right behind Stan.
Kenny, get ready to turn on true-shot aura.
At that moment, I will use intimidating shout.
Okay, he sees us.
He's targeted us.
Okay, hit him with pyroblast, Kyle.
Casting there's an 8-second cast time.
Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time? No, ah, I'm an arcane fire mage.
Cast summon again.
Everyone target the scorpions.
Yes? We are looking for a great knight by the name of lovestospooge.
That's my son's character's name in Warcraft.
Where is he?! Who are you? Sir, we don't have time! We just heard from our admins that your son's party is already in battle! Unless they have this sword, your son's character is going to die! Nn-Oh my God! Kyle! Fire spell! Kyle? Kyle! Dude, what's wrong? Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's aaaah! Oh Jesus, he's got it bad! Wait, we need Ben-Gay.
Hurry, dude! I'm going as fast as I can! Kyle, you have to keep playing.
I can't.
Just leave me behind.
We can't do this without you! Now come on! Stan?! Stan! Sharon, where is Stan?! I don't know.
He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.
Stupid? Where?! I don't know.
Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him! So what? So what?! We're too late.
Without the sword the players will fail.
If we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online.
I don't have a World of Warcraft account.
Do you? No, I have a life.
Give me the sword.
You? I have a Warcraft character.
I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online.
We can't trust the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb! Sounds to me like we don't have a choice! Give me the sword.
Come on, we've got to get to a computer that works! Where's your car? We took a cab here! Damnit, mine's in the shop! Uh hey! Eh help! Stop! Please, it's an emergency! Come on! Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer! No, I d- I need to play World of Warcraft! Nelson! All right, major stone shield potions should be Oh God, I'm going to have diarrhea again.
Ohhh- Duuuh- You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor! It's okay.
Mom? Bathroom! What hon? Bathroom! Bathroom! Oohh, that's a big boy, isn't he? All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose.
I'm now going to use mocking blow.
World of Warcraft! I need to play! Our demo is set up right over by the- Got to sign in character name All right, I'm in! Dude, I'm almost dead.
Kyle, cast arcane missile! I'm out of mana, I told you.
I've gotta heal.
Staaan! Dad? Not now! Stan! I've been sent here to bring you this.
This sword can completely drain his mana.
Dad, how did you get that? No time! Just take it! Here! How, how do you hand something from one player to another? Bring up your inventory screen, Control-I.
- Okay.
Stan, what the hell are you doing?! I got it! Dad! Stan Dad, no! You killed my father.
His shield and armor spells are down! Attack! Looks like you're about to get pwned.
Dad? Dad? Stan I've never been able to say this before, but I love you, son.
I know you do, Dad.
They did it! Our world is saved! They did it! They killed him! They did it! - They killed him! We can come out! Yes! - We did it! All right, yay.
- Woohoo! Oh man! We did it you guys.
We're totally heroes.
That was such ├╝ber pwnage.
I can't believe it's all over.
What do we do now? What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Oh yeah.
Okay Kenny, add Eyes of the Beast to your hotbar.
Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shots.
Got it.
Transcipt: spscriptorium
Previous EpisodeNext Episode