South Park s11e13 Episode Script

Guitar Queer-o

Episode 11x13 "Guitar Queer-O" I'm going out to South Park gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation I'm goin out to south park gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night people spouting howdy neighbor I'm heading out to south park to see if i cant unwind I like girls with big fat titties really big fat titties So come on out to south park and meet some friends of mine Stan, you guys are good! Sharon, what are the boys doing? Oh, Stan and Kyle bought a new video game together.
They can play guitar now? - No, they're just little plastic controllers.
You hit the colored buttons and it makes the guitar track on the game play.
If they spent half the time learning a real instrument as they do playing that game, who knows what they could accomplish.
- Hey yeah.
Dude, listen to that video crowd! They love us! So you boys like this music, huh? - Yeah, dude.
It's Guitar Hero.
Stan and Kyle are really good at it.
Well you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out.
Once, I rose above the noise and confusion.
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion.
I was soaring ever higher but I flew too high.
Though my eyes could see I- - Dad? Dad! What are you doing?! I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar.
You want me to teach you boys how? That's gay, Mr.
- Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
But this is real.
- Real guitars are for old people.
Do you mind, sir? We wanna watch Stan and Kyle play.
Alright, let's try to score Are you ready to rock? Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more Game over! You suck! They're gonna do it! Come on, guys, a hundred thousand points! Cartman, shut up.
We're concentrating.
You have broken a hundred thousand points! You are rock stars! Dude, we are total rock stars now! You're not rock stars! This is just a stupid plastic controller! Hang on.
Stan Marsh? - Yeah? I'm Charles Kincaid, from the Kincaid Talent Agency? I just heard you broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.
Yeah, we did.
- Well, I'm impressed.
And I'd like to be your manager.
- Wow, really? Dude! Dude, Kyle, this guy wants to be our manager! No way! - For reals? Scoring a hundred thousand points is amazing, but I think with the right label behind you, you boys could make a million points.
- That'd be awesome! So, we're in business then? Well, what do you think? - I like it.
That's these boys playing? No, that's Kansas.
But these boys scored a hundred thousand points to it on Expert Level in Co-op Mode.
That's pretty Goddamned impressive.
Alright, we'll sign them to a one-year deal.
- Yes! You did it, boys.
Listen, boys, I'm having a huge celebrity party at my giant mansion tonight.
Why don't you come by as my honorary new artists? Cool! Wow, this is a huge party.
Oh yes, all the biggest stars in Colorado are here.
Dude, dude, that's Ron Zappolo from Channel 4 News! Wow! Oh, and look over there, that's that Jake Jabs guy from American Furniture Warehouse commercials.
Everyone? Everyone, this is Stan and Kyle.
They just broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.
Please enjoy yourselves, there's lots more coke and sex in the house.
Dude! Dude, that's Jay Cutler over there! Quarterback for the Denver Broncos! Oh my God! - Would you boys like to meet him? Are you serious? Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle.
They broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.
Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys.
- Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck, but my dad says you might be good someday.
Alex, have you seen my wife anywhere? You boys know Tom Shane from the Shane Company Diamond Store commercials? Do we? He's a legend! You remember these boys, Tom.
They're gonna break a million points live at the video arcade in a few weeks.
That, would be impressive.
Dude, we've arrived.
We're super, awesome and cool.
Life is finally going to not suck so hard for us.
You Rock! All right, nice rehearsal, boys.
Dude, I totally miffed that middle part.
Did you see that? Yeah dude, that's almost impossible.
- That was real cool, kids.
Hey, Kyle, there's a different controller in my car that might work better for you.
Why don't you go with Jim and he'll help you find it.
Oh, okay.
You've got real potential, kid.
I have no doubt you can break a million.
Really? That'd be sweet.
- I think you could.
But as for your friend, well, to be honest, I think he's holding you back.
What, you mean, Kyle? Look, you score a lot higher than him.
There's no question who the better one is.
I wanna put you with some other players, find a partner for you who can really help you max your score.
But, Kyle and I always play together.
We both chipped in for the game system.
Very honorable.
But you know where loyalty gets you in a game like Guitar Hero? Nowheres.
Just listen to that video crowd.
I haven't heard a video crowd go that wild in a long time.
You've got a chance to score a million points, and I hate to see you throw it away because you're worried about your friend's feelings.
You're gonna love this kid, Stan.
He's one of the best Guitar Hero players I've ever seen.
Except for you, of course.
Ah, Thad! Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.
- Sup? Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players.
Isn't that right, Thad? Yup.
He doesn't even need a game system to play on.
He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.
Yeah, but can he play Buckethead on Expert Level? Go ahead, Thad.
Show him what you can do.
Check this out.
Pretty damn good, huh? Yeah, that's pretty good.
But can you play "John the Fisherman"? Stan, with this kid backing you, you're gonna make Guitar Hero history.
Oh, I love this song.
Wow wee, look at him go! Hey dude, how'd it-? Kyle.
I thought you were sick.
Who is this? This is Thad Jarvis.
- Sup? What's going on, Stan? - Kyle, I was gonna tell you later.
Kincaid thinks I should play with Thad for a while.
But it's our game.
We bought it together.
I know, and, and I wanna be fair about it, so, I'll buy you out of your part.
Buy me out?! What are you saying?! What makes you so high and mighty you can buy me out?! Don't put this all on me, Kyle! - Oh my God this is so awesome.
You were the one that's been blowing off playing after midnight, not playing because you were sick.
- I have been sick! Look, the point is I'm never gonna break a million points playing with you! You know that's true! I guess I didn't realize it was just about the points.
Dude, this game rules.
Let's just do this, all right? Hey! You're the kid I sold the Guitar Hero game to.
How are you liking it? It's okay, I guess.
But I need some game guides for it.
My manager and producer set up this live thing at the video arcade where I'm supposed to break a million in front of everybody and I'm I'm stressing out.
Yeah, Guitar Hero can be pretty stressful.
But you know, maybe instead of a game guide, you should just buy another game to kind of ease the stress.
Have you ever heard of Heroin Hero? - Heroin Hero? It's a way easier game.
All you do is run around a magical forest and shoot simulated heroin.
You could call it the ultimate first-person shooter.
And there's no score? No crowds? No man.
All you do is run through the pretty forest and chase a big dragon.
But you don't ever catch the dragon.
You just keep chasing it.
Chase me.
Come on.
This way.
Shoot up and then you can catch me.
Come on.
Dude, this is awesome.
How are they coming? No worries, Mr.
They'll be ready for the big show in a few days.
They'd better be.
I paid good money to rent this place out.
Damnit! Dude, suck.
Did you practice last night? - Yeah, I practiced last night! Just shut up and play! No, you know what?! Screw this! I'm not playing this song! Why did you pick this stupid song?! Stan, it's the song we all agreed you would play.
Yeah? Well I changed my mind! We're changing the song to Cheap Trick! No way.
I hate that bubblegum crap.
Yeah? Well you're not the leader, are you, Thad?! We play the music I wanna play! Stan, why are you so grumpy-grouchy? We're playing what I want and I'll select a different song! Yeah? Well how about this one? I quite.
I quit I quit I quit.
I quit.
I quit I quit I quit.
I quit.
You know what? That's great with me, Thad.
Because I don't need you to break a million points! I never did! Stan, what is the matter with you? - I just wanna play alone, alright?! I can't concentrate with all these assholes riding me all the time! What is this? Man Are you playing Heroin Hero? - Just, just a little.
No! Nobody plays Heroin Hero just a little! You know, you never catch the dragon! I know, but it mellos me out, okay?! You'd better pull your act together, because now you're gonna have to break a million points and unlock superstardom solo! No problem.
Hey, beat it, kid! We wanna play now! - I'm not done yet.
Hey, I know you.
You're Kyle Broflovski.
Didn't you used to have your own Guitar Hero game system? No.
You're thinking of somebody else.
- Yeah, sure.
He's the kid that scored a hundred thousand points.
How come you're playing here now? - Look, just go ahead and play, alright? Leave me alone.
Can I get a Fresca, please? You're good at that game, Kid.
Too good to be playing in a dump like this.
Yeah well, I can't really afford to play anymore anyway.
I'm about out of quarters.
Well look, maybe I can use some extra music playing to this thing on weekend nights.
You come in, work around here a little and maybe you can play it for free.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, Mick, but I ain't a charity case yet.
Charity case, I'm just trying to help out a kid who's a little down on his luck is all.
Thanks, Mick.
Catch me.
Come on, catch me.
What's wrong? Follow me.
Come on.
Marsh? Stan, you got- Oh my God! Get up, Stan! Wake up! Huh? What? You're going on in ten minutes! Everybody's coming to see you! The dragon.
Where did it go? You've gotta pull it together! Pull it together, goddamnit! Thank you for coming to Gamecraft Arcade to watch Stan Marsh break a million points and unluck superstardom.
Go Stan! - All right, Stan, you've got it, man! Dude, what's the matter with him? He's been up for three days straight playing Heroin Hero.
Come on, Stan! You got it! Goddamnit, he's a mess! Oh man, I can't watch this.
What are you doing?! The video crowd is starting to boo! Come on guys.
Let's get out of here.
The next time you bring me some talent, make sure they're talent-ed.
You blew it! You had it all and you blew it! Listen to that video crowd! They hate you! There he is! So, did you break a million yet? No, I didn't break a million points and unlock superstardom, all right? I'm done with that stupid game! Aw, come on.
Once you start playing Guitar Hero, you can't stop till you reach the top.
I just wanna find something else to play.
Have you played Rehab Hero? You get chased by a big dragon, but you keep running away from it.
I just want a nice, simple driving game.
How about that? Sure kid.
All right, that was the Splendifs.
And now here's a hit you all remember.
It's the song that two local fourth grade boys scored a 100.
000 points to on Guitar Hero.
Don't know whatever happened to those boys.
I guess they're not playing the game anymore.
Woke up to the sound of pouring rain The wind would whisper and I'd think of you And all the tears you cried, that called my name Kyle, could I just talk to you for like five minutes? What are you doing here? - Please, it won't take long.
We're gonna take a short break.
Be back in five.
I was listening to you for a while.
Dude, you've gotten a lot better.
Oh, thank you! I was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities! Look, Kyle, the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship! That isn't it at all.
You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want.
I even get free Frescas.
I don't need you anymore! I know.
I need you.
I thought I was having a great time because I was getting signed by managers and going to big sex and coke parties, but then I realized I was having fun because I was doing all that with my best friend.
It was pretty fun, wasn't it? Yeah.
Look, I doubt we could break a million together anyway.
I don't care.
I'd just like to play with you again.
For the fun of it.
I don't really see the fun in not trying to kick that game's ass once and for all! What, you mean it? - I think we can do it, Stan.
I've been close to a million a few times by myself.
Then let's go, dude! Oh wait.
Wait, I'm supposed to play here.
Hey, Mick, would you mind if I stepped out for a sec? Go on, get out of here, kid.
Who needs your wailing and rocking around here anyways? Thanks, Mick! All right, dude, let's do this.
What the hell? Come on, come on.
You almost got me.
Catch me.
Come on.
Goddamnit! Dad, get off our X-Box! - Hang on, I almost caught the dragon.
Hehe, you almost caught me.
No, me and Kyle are gonna play Guitar Hero! I can get him! Wait! Where's he going now? - You don't ever catch the dragon, Dad! No! No, I said! I am your father! Put it back on! Mom, will you get Dad out of here? Stop cheating, Craig! - How was that cheating! Because you tricked me, you black asshole! Fellas! Fellas! They're gonna do it! - What? Stan and Kyle! They're about to break a million on Guitar Hero and unlock superstardom! Oh, let's go! Cone on, let's go! They're gonna do it! They did it! - Oh my sweet J-Jesus! You have played Guitar Hero enough to reach one million points! Congratulations! You.
That's it? Goddamnit! God damnit! Butters, you wanna play me next? Okay, but I get to be the one that betrays you after the sex and drug party.

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