South Park s12e02 Episode Script

Britney's New Look

South Park - Season 12 Episode 2 "Britney's New Look" Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it's Decision 2008.
Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama.
First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent? Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this? This is important, Stanley! You boys should care about this stuff.
Yeah, but we totally don't.
Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters! And so, Mr.
Obama, why don't you tell us your stance on military spending? Well, my opinion is that- We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin! It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news! Oh-oh boy, what's she done now? Britney has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss in the forest.
Robert Pooner has more.
Ron, I'm standing in South Mark, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all.
Aw dude, that's our town! Ms.
Spears was spotted at a mountain campground, and you won't believe what she did, Ron.
The troubled diva took a piss.
Right on a ladybug.
We've blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend.
She's such a train wreck! When the photo is enhance, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused.
This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and she looks like she's gained weight.
That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up.
And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she's got some zits! Aw, poor girl.
Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug.
The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado, who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars.
A hundred thousand dollars? That's enough to buy slaves! Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel.
And now back to the stupid Democratic debates.
and spearchuckers.
Did you guys hear that? A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney.
And she's at a hotel in our town.
It's gotta be the Komfort Inn.
That's the nicest hotel in South Park.
- Cartman, go get your camera.
- Sweet! Hey, hang on, fellas, don't you think Britney's been through enough? I mean, maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone.
Butters, don't be such a pussy.
A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug.
Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth! Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for trying to make an easy buck! Oh no.
Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears! Join the club.
Yeah, all you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals! We're professionals too, you fucking butthole! Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs.
We uh, we have special permission? Yeah, don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
You are? Not me! I'm a squirrel! But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs.
I didn't even know it was there.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm just so- Excuse me, Ms.
Spears, but your kids are here and they've brought you a squirrel.
My boys? Really? Send them in.
It's okay.
My kids are here.
I feel better now.
- We did it guys! - I told you that would work! - Yeah, all right! - All right! You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain't here? - Alright.
Butters, go get next to her.
- I ain't doing it! We tricked her and it wasn't nice! Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not? You're never gonna leave me alone, are you? It ain't right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are! All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters! Yeah, we'll just get a picture of her doing something else.
All right lady, just flash us your crotch or something.
- I've got a better idea.
- You do? Yeah.
No! You killed her! Hey, everything all right u-.
We should have just left her alone.
But we just had to push her.
How cold we know she would Aw we suck so hard.
She's alive.
- Whew.
- Oh, thank God.
But, we almost lost her.
Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone? Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute? I don't want you making her upset.
We don't wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we're sorry.
All right.
Spears, these boys wanted to say something.
- Oh my God! - Oh no! The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney.
Right, boys? Oh, yeah.
It's not even noticeable.
Well, I'll let you boys have your say.
Spears, uh we're really sorry for making you want to kill yourself.
Oh, God, what have we done? It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news! You won't believe what Britney's done now.
The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy "no top part of my head" look.
This video was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason.
And if we zoom in on the footage, right, right here, you can also definitely see a boob job scar.
No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past.
O ho ho, oh houch, that's gotta be embarrassing.
Chris, any word on why Ms.
Spears went for this radical "no top of the head" look? No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now.
Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out.
Dude! Damnit, she can't handle any stress right now! Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager.
Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were you thinking? First you shave your head and now this.
Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that.
Brit! Over here, Brit.
One for Star Weekly.
Damnit you have to take her out of here; she can't be around all this right now.
We need to take her home.
Boys, can you give me a hand with her? Yeah, of course.
Okay, come on! My car is right here.
- Hey look! - There she is! Oh crap! Jesus Christ! Yeah yeah, it's like this all the time.
Thank you! Yes, thanks.
Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can.
That's great, boys.
Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you.
And don't worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself.
We just need to get her into the recording studio right away.
What? All right, Britney, let's take it from the top.
Remember to bring that sexiness to it.
Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now? All right, Brit, let's try it from the top.
- God, what a train wreck.
- She must be stoned again.
Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse.
What do you mean? She sounds great.
Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be "love elation.
" Sounds more like you're saying "love creation.
" E-la-tion.
Really enunciate the L.
Gah, she's so stupid.
What do you expect? Look at her! She doesn't have most of her brain! I know.
She's really dumb, huh? No, I mean, she literally doesn't have most of her brain! Her head is gone! Yeah.
And she's all fat, too.
Live, from Las Vegas, it's the MTV Video Music Awards.
What's up, y'all? It's the MTV Awards and we are kicking it off right.
Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears! Aw come on now, people! Oh my God, she's really gotten chubby.
Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing.
She doesn't have any lips! Disaster at the MTV awards.
People are ridiculing Britney Spears.
Her performance was awful, Tom.
She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head.
It was just completely phoned in.
No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues.
Don't listen to 'em, Brit! They're all just jealous.
And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow.
Hang on, hang on, she'll be out in a minute.
We have to get her away from all this, dude.
People just aren't gonna let up.
We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace.
Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her? I know where.
We want three tickets to the North Pole.
The North Pole? Who the hell goes to the North Pole? We do.
Me, my friend, and his aunt.
It's Britney Wowtch! A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her.
A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise! Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she's become desperate.
Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe.
Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense.
Absolutely major camel toe, Tracy.
Britney just seems oblivious.
She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you're gonna turn heads.
David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was? She was sporting toe like never before, Brian.
I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but, it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet.
Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe.
And now back to the local news.
The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it's a person.
Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation.
Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts.
Platform 4F.
Uh, it must be on the other side of the station.
There she is! It's Britney! Oh no.
Dude, they're never gonna let us through.
Yes they are! I have an idea.
Britney? Where'd she go? There she is! It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon.
There she is.
Hey Britney, it's me.
It's over.
What were you running for anyway? Hey, wait a minute.
Where's her camel toe? I'm not Britney Spears, alright? Oh, psych! She must be back at the train station; come on! Now, wait a minute! Everyone just stop for one minute! Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her.
Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watching celebrities go down can be fun.
Me and my friends are as guilty as all of you, but maybe, just, maybe, it's time to let this one go.
Just this one time, let's, let's all stop before it's too late, huh? Son, you don't seem to understand.
Britney Spears has to die.
Huh? What do you think all this effort has been for? It cannot be stopped.
The purpose is too great.
She must die.
Little Stanley was tired and hungry.
But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole.
You doing okay, Ms.
Spears? It's her.
Um no, I'm sure it's Britney Spears; it looks just like the picture.
You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand.
Hello, I'm Bob Summers, so happy you picked our little town.
What is going on? Why do you want Britney Spears to die? Well nobody wants her to die, little boy.
We all simply need her to.
- Do you understand? - No! Look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in human sacrifice.
In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then watch her die.
We like to think we're more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for torture and death is no different than it was in gladiator times.
Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs.
It's a damn shame too.
Old ways were butter.
Used to be we just picked someone by lottery and then stoned them to death.
Stoning to death was too violent.
Rather have the sacrifice kill itself.
You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself? Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed.
For harvest.
All right, everyone's about here.
Who's everyone? Who all is in on this? Hey, where are we? This isn't right.
Oh no! Come on, Britney! Come on, come on! Mom, Dad! They're gonna kill her! They're going to in- Wait, what are you doing here? It's okay, Kyle.
Just be a good boy.
Be a good boy? You know all about this? Kyle, what the fuck is going on now? She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan! Sacrificed? For what? For harvest, Stanley.
Same reason we've always done it.
Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch.
Corn harvest! We haven't told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest.
All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough! The kid is right.
This has gone on too long.
She was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago.
And harvest is coming soon.
All right, folks, let's finish this quickly.
No wait.
Come on, hurry up.
I can't run.
You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya.
Here Davey.
Hold on.
She's dead.
Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone.
- Morning, Bill.
- Morning, Gil.
Nice-looking corn.
Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh? An incredible harvest.
Some of the best corn I've seen in years.
- She's the daughter of a country singer, - Hey, check it out! and the young girl has really taken the country by storm.
Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar.
Looks like next harvest will be even better.

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