South Park s12e11 Episode Script

Pandemic (2): The Startling

[You are not meant to see.]
What's going on, dad? Mr.
Marsh you have to move, it isn't Oh god I'm I'm so startled.
Pandemic 2 The Startling My name is Craig Tucker.
Last week was my bithday.
My grandma gave me a check for a $100.
I was so happy.
But then four kids from school came to my house and said I should use my $100 for investment becoming a peruvian flute band.
They promised I would double my money in one afternoon.
But the government arrested us along with all the other peruvian flute bands and took us to internment camp in Miami.
We begged to go home but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru.
And so that is why I am in Peru.
If I die, let in be known that it is because four guys I don't even like from school lied to me and took my birthday money.
We didn't lied, Craig.
It was a sweet idea.
Yeah, how do we supposed to know that panflute bands would be an outlaw.
I don't get it, they said the military would meet us here.
This is where they told us to land.
Can you get through to Washington? - I'm trying.
This is Coner in Washington.
Hey, Coner, the players at homeland security told us to start the operation.
There's nobody here to meet us.
It's like they sent us to no man's land.
Jesus, they're everywhere.
What are everywhere? So furry.
They're attacking every city People dying Guinea pigs All over Guinea pigs? Can't stop them Need to get out I just ate a peanut peanut now stuck in throat Shouldn't eat peanuts when scared I've got the videocamera, got it turned on again.
This is Randy Marsh, I'm shooting this video of myself.
It's still chaos out the window.
I barely made it back to the house.
Sharon is here with me.
And there's Shelley.
Wave to the camera, Shelley.
Randy! Will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so startled.
We have to see what the news is saying.
This is a shot of NYC where the giant guinea pigs have also attacked.
Guinea pigs? Reports of attacks are coming from major cities all over the world.
Jesus, the thing is worldwide.
Look at that thing.
Randy, what are we gonna do? Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Go, Randy, run! Gotta get out.
Michaels? Harrison? Anybody? Nothing.
L-Sat is down and no answer at RCU.
Whatever's going on out there is huge.
Aw, all right, just let me get this straight.
The head of homeland security ordered you to fly us, five kids, to Peru, but had you land way up in Andes moutains of Peru, so that other government people could meet us and somehow tell us how to go to the capital of Peru way over in Lima.
And take down their government.
Yes, that was the order.
And that makes sense to you? Nope, not at all.
Actually the whole rounding up of the panflute bands didn't make sense any of us either.
None of what that homeland security guy does makes sense.
So could you just fly us home, please? You don't understand.
The plan was to have refuelling truck meet us here.
We don't have enough gas to fly anyplace.
Aw, that's awesome.
So, we've got to find another way out of here.
It's starting to look that way, young.
This is fun.
Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle.
It just keeps getting better and better.
You know, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig.
Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time.
Look at that, no lights on, nothing.
It's like humans have never been to this part of Peru.
More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions.
We checked on wikipedia and found out that guinea pigs are from Andes mountains, here.
What about the panflute bands? Are they on their way to the Guantanamo bay? Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now than panflute bands.
Have they been loaded on to the boats or not? No, sir.
We diverted all the resources away from the panflute bands to deal with the guinea pigs.
That wasn't order.
The flute bands were to be put on boats to Guantanamo last night.
I'm still in charge here! I want those panflute bands on the boats to Guantanamo! Yes, sir.
I don't see why you have to yell at people.
Where do we go, Randy? We've got to get out of town.
Go through that way.
- Oh, Jesus! - Randy, run.
We're running now.
There's Sharon and Shelley running.
Wave to the camera, Shelley.
Dad! In there, in there! Oh god, oh god, I'm so startled.
Are you startled, Sharon? Randy! Put down It's gonna kill us.
Just stay down, Shelley.
It can't come in here.
Hold on, hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside.
Randy? Were are you going? They look so good from outside the bus.
Randy! What the hell are you doing? I've got really good shot of it, Sharon.
I don't know, Lensky.
This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps.
This whole walley is strange.
Just look at the size of that fruit.
Ain't that a peach? And how do you like them apples.
Take a look at this.
They look like bee hive combs.
Oh my god.
Dude, what is this place? It's like an unknown walley that time forgot, where everything grows huge.
That's a shock.
I decided to follow you guys and now I'm in land of giants lost world.
Craig, it isn't our fault.
You make it sound like we was wanna be in situation like this, we don't have any choice.
Yeah, stuff just happens.
Stuff just happens.
That's right.
You just winded up being set by the government to take down the city of Lima only to wind up at land of giants lost world.
That's right.
You know what stuff happens to most kids? They fall off their bikes.
They get in fights with their parents.
They get sweddled out their birthday money.
Look, wherever we are I think we better keep moving.
All right, all right, here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of BestBuy.
We we ran up here to get off the streets.
We found the Stotch family hiding up here also.
There's Chris and Linda, their son Butters.
What is that? Chris, what is that? That's that's a new sound.
Oh god, look! Those aren't guinea pigs.
Get off the roof.
Go, go, go, go.
We are now getting a report of giant bees.
The giant bees have been seen at the US and Europe.
Get away, there's bees everywhere.
There's another one right there.
Oh my god! It stung me, it stung me.
Wow, that's startled me, that's really startling.
I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains.
Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way.
Hey, have a look at this.
What is it? I don't know.
Looks old.
Let's see what's in there.
Let's see what's in there.
That's why you guys get into this situations.
Because when you come across a spooky ancient ruine, you say Let's see what's in there It might be way out, Craig.
Yeah, mr.
Complainy Pants.
Wow! I don't think anybody's been here for centuries.
You guys, look at this.
It's a wall of ancient drawings.
Dude, it's a peruvian flute band.
I know, and look.
Looks like the panflute music is driving away giant guinea pigs.
Oh, no way, look.
The panflute bands put in prison.
Just like what's happened.
And then the guinea pigs killing people.
And then Dude, it's Craig! What? That is Craig.
Dude, Craig, what's going on? I've no idea.
Well, do you mind telling us what you doing on ancient incan wall, Craig? I don't know.
There's now word of huge bee hives forming in cities across the US and Canada.
Europe and China are reporting deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands.
And how are the efforts to contain all this going? It's bad, sir.
It seems we have no way of stopping it.
We've lost complete control.
Uh, sir? I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke.
All right, get the jets ready.
I need to get to Machu Picchu.
Machu Picchu, sir? Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu, have you lost your hearing? But sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help Am I in charge or not?! We're in grocery store now.
Some other survivors here.
Can we get out through the highway? Highway's unreachable.
There's guinea rats all over it.
Guinea rats? What do you mean guinea rats? Look, there are guinea pigs but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats.
I've even seen some guinea spiders out there.
Randy, will you stop doing that? Look, I thing we need to find the way out under the city.
In the sewers? It can't be safe down there.
Oh god, what are we gonna dooo? Something's inside the store.
Guinea rabbits, they're inside! Argh, they're everywhere Help me!.
No! Travis, no! Thare's something over there.
- It's a guinea bear.
- No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid! Randy, the store room, we gotta get to the store room.
Mom, I can't see.
It's ok, Shelley.
Daddy's gonna turn on night vision.
There there.
AAAA - What, what, what, what? - Nothing, sorry, I just startled myself.
AAAA!!! Let's head over this way guys.
- You hear that? - It sounds like water.
Yeah, it's coming from up there.
Wow! Dude, that's awesome.
All right, let's go.
Wha what do you mean no? I'm not following you guys anymore.
Dude, we have to get check this out.
Why? 'Cause just That's just the way it is.
Everytime bad thing happens you guys end up putting yourselves deeper into the middle of it because "That's just the way it is".
Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient temple prophecy wall, buttwipe.
I don't care.
I've decided that I'm done.
I'm choosing not to be a part of this anymore.
How would you do that? It's easy, watch.
Craig, dude, wait up.
- Dude, Craig, we should go back now.
- No.
- Hey, look, there's something here.
- Nope.
Dude, this is boring, this is just a bunch of walking around.
Nice and boring.
Just the way I like it.
It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked.
Guinea rabbits are still everywhere along with few guinea panthers.
We've taken shelter at the outback stakehouse.
There's Sharon and Shelley.
Say "Hey", guys.
What is that, what is that? I'm I'm gonna take a look outside.
What is it? It's a guineasaurus rex.
- Oh my god! - Oh no, I'm way too startled.
Look! Jesus, they can't kill it.
What do you think about the guineasaurus rex, Shelley? Oh, that's good.
There's Shelley with the guineasaurus rex in the background.
Don't get a Shelley.
Oh, I know, hold on your palm so it looks like you're holding the guineasaurus rex.
Shelley Randy! I have had it! You are putting down that goddamn camera! Sharon, you gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family some day.
Wait here a minute.
Behold! I am standing on your precious land.
I've waited a long time for this.
What's he doing? What are your prophecy now? Nothing can stop me.
Craig! No! How did you get here? Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up.
Sir, is everything all right? - Shoot them.
- Shoot them? They're a peruvian band that escaped.
We must keep them contained.
No, no, listen to me.
The peruvian flute bands were keeping the guinea creatures away.
Whatever's happening to the world is happening because you guys got rid of all the panflute bands.
I've said, shoot them! Go look, it's all an ancient incan prophecy.
Maybe we should look at it, sir.
Damn you, Craig.
You just don't ever stop, do you? I didn't say anything.
You see, for thousands of years hoard creatures have lived in the guinea valley of Peru.
The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay.
By playing panflute music.
Guinea creatures hated even more than humans do.
But the prophecy foretold that one day the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen.
Incas predicted the world would be saved by Craig.
But that part of the prophecy will not come true.
For you alone.
Die on this mountain.
You you some kind of monster.
Oh, I'm much more than that.
Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guineasaurus rexes I'm something much more evil.
Guinea pirate! Jesus Christ! Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plan.
I'll just walk away.
See? Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes.
Argh, curse you, Craig.
My name is Craig Tucker.
Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the Earth.
All the peruvian flute bands were released.
And drowe the guinea creatures to the Andes mountains.
Many people had died but mankind had prevailed.
All over the world survivors were found.
Living witnesses to the terror that had been seen.
You here, look, look.
What the Oh, didn't have a tape in it.
The guinea pirate lived but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days.
And people all over the world learned to support their local peruvian flute bands.
And buy their CDs.
For they protect us from the guinea creatures.
As for me I was returned home by the homeland security.
My parents were so happy.
I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us.
We are but players on the stage of life.
And I also learned to never listen to people come asking you for money.
That guy's an asshole.
Yeah, what a dick! [mumbles.]
Sir, sir, we have a problem.
What now? The former director of homeland security that turned to be a guinea pig, it attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell.
My god, you telling me Yes sir, it broke out of prison
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