South Park s18e04 Episode Script


Well, that was a lot of fun.
Thanks for inviting us, guys.
You bet.
Are you guys parked over here? Oh, no, no, no.
We we took a handicar.
- It was easier that way.
- A handicar? - What's that? - You don't use handicar? No, see, you just get the handicar app.
It uses GPS to locate where you are, and a handicar comes and picks you up.
Yeah, and it's cheaper than a taxi.
I'm telling you, it's the future of transportation.
Oh, here it comes.
Honey, our handicar's here.
- Timmy! - Have fun driving home.
- I'll be relaxing on my iPad.
- Lucky.
- Timmy! - Download the app! It works great! Oh, excuse me? I think someone puked back here.
- You don't like puke? - Could you turn the radio down and the air conditioning up, please? No air conditioning.
Too expensive.
Not enough people taking cab.
- Don't know what's wrong.
- Timmy! What the? What the we got a big sales event going on, folks! Hey, guys! Can I get you in a 2014 hummer? - Rocktober sales event, guys! - No thanks.
Only a few more guitar licks left in rocktober, guys! We're good! Shut up! - Oh, here's our handicar.
- Timmy! What the? All right, kids, you know what time of year it is? That's right.
It's autumn.
And that means our fundraising for next year's summer camp is in full gear.
Is everyone psyched for next year's summer camp? Yay! Yay! - So far, Jimmy has raised $16! - Yay! - Yay! - Francis has raised $29.
- And Timmy has raised $2,063! - Timmy! All righty, if you guys keep this up, we'll raise the money for summer camp in no time! I won't do it, Mimsy.
I won't spend another summer at that stupid camp.
Derr, we don't like camp, boss? We hate camp, Mimsy.
The singing, the competitions, Jimmy Valmer getting all the chicks.
Oh, yeah, and don't forget last year at summer camp, you - got raped by a shark.
- Shut up, mimsy! I'm not gonna spend my summer trapped at camp with these punch-happy assholes.
We got to find a way to put handicar out of business and fast.
Oh, boy, we're gonna wreck Timmy's business, huh, boss? Hey, boys.
Are you excited for camp next year? Yes, Counselor Steve.
- We like the tug of war.
- All right, well, just keep - working on those donations.
- Come on, mimsy.
We got to figure out how we're gonna make handicar a thing of - the past.
- Oh, boy! We are united as brothers because just as handicar's taken away jobs from honest, hard-working cab drivers, it's also taking food from the mouths of the children of car salesmen! I don't have any children.
Who does this handicapped boy think he is? He's not even in union! He's taking all our business because people find it more convenient! And because he's handicapped, he can use special access points and parking spaces.
That kid was born with an unfair advantage! - Who is this rat? - His name is Timmy Burch.
And if you don't do something quick, you're all gonna be out - of work for good.
- Who are you? Just someone who doesn't like to see hard workers like yourselves lose their jobs.
That's all.
Nobody takes jobs away from us! We need to speak to mayor and tell her to shut down this - illegitimate business.
- Or maybe we could have the - police shut him down.
- Hey, I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer and try to be better to your customers so that you can compete with handicar's popularity in the marketplace? Just ignore my friend.
He's mentally disabled.
Oh, yeah.
Don't mind me.
Now, listen, everybody.
If you're a sheep herder and there's a snake taking away your sheep, what do you do to the snake? Offer it last year's Christmas in rocksummer prices? No, you moron.
You kill the snake.
Timmy, Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy.
- Hey, wake up, you little scab.
- T-t-Timmy? We got a message for ya from The Union.
Just imagine it, Mimsy.
A whole summer to ourselves to do what we want.
It's going to be awesome.
Well, well.
Hello, gentlemen.
I understand you've taken care of our little problem? Yeah, we sure did.
Let's just say he'll be laid up awhile.
Yeah, we snuck in his room last - night and we broke his legs.
- Oh, boy, that's gr - Wait, you what? - Timmy! - I am Lorde lordy, Lordy, Lorde! - But we broke his legs.
Both of them! Let me give you guys a hot news flash.
If you want to hurt a crippled kid, you don't break his legs! - How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy? - I don't know, boss.
These are supposed to be men who care about their occupation.
Maybe if they're that incompetent, we shouldn't be trying to save their jobs.
Maybe handicar's a kind of economic natural selection where the most diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones.
Derr! Shut up, Mimsy! Right here is good.
Thank you.
- I can just use the app to tip you, right? - Timmy! Oh, this is so handy.
Thank you.
Timmy, Timmy.
Hey, Timmy, it's your friend from camp, Nathan.
- Timmy! - Listen, you can't possibly handle all this business you're getting.
Admit it.
You've got more customers than you can handle.
I've got an amazing idea.
Why don't you let other people drive handicars, too? Think of all the money you could raise for camp if you expand your business.
I'm sure you could find a lot of interested drivers.
That's great.
Summer camp, here we come.
Now kiss your business goodbye, asshole.
I don't get it, boss.
I thought you hated handicar.
How's come now you want to work for him? It's very simple, Mimsy.
I'm gonna take down handicar by being an employee who sexually harasses the passengers.
- Uh, sexual harassment, boss? - It's simple.
If you're a sheep herder and a snake is killing your sheep, you just need to have the snake get sued for sexual misconduct.
Now, you find me a female passenger on that app - and leave the rest to me.
- Oh, boy! Timmy.
Hello, ma'am.
Handicar at your service.
Climb on in.
So, let me ask you a question.
Would you like to see my dick? Sure.
Would you like to see mine? Uh-oh.
Mimsy! Aah! Aah! Mimsy! - And I thought a shark was bad.
- Come on, honey.
Come on, honey.
It says our handicar is just pulling up.
Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila.
Steven? What are you doing? You didn't know? Anyone can be a handicar driver now.
All you have to do is get your own wheelchair and you can earn a handicap.
I've had my handicap for about three days now.
Get on in.
I'm telling you, Gerald, having a handicap is a great way to make some money on the side.
- Timmy! - Timmy! - Timmy! - The world of transportation is really changing, Gerald.
Oh, gee, your idea to have handicar expand really worked, boss.
Excuse me.
Out of my way, please.
I have a handicap.
I had a handicap way before you got paid to have one! Ha! You sound like that Matthew McConaughey guy.
"I drove a Lincoln way before I got paid to drive one.
" Derr! Shut up, Mimsy! For the past eight years, Tesla has been the leading innovator in the world of automotive transport.
And now the president and CEO of Tesla motorcars, Elon Musk.
Today I am proud to announce the Tesla D, the most innovative the most innovative and efficient world-friendly mode of transportation ever created.
Any questions? - Yes, uh, what about handicar? - What about it? Well, all over the country, people are realizing that using an app to ride share is even more convenient and eco-friendly than electric cars.
How do you intend to compete with this boy genius in Colorado? I am so sick of hearing about app-based ride sharing! The future of transportation is the electric car, not wheelchairs! Don't worry, Elon.
Handicar is just a small company.
Oh, sure.
Operating in a few small towns.
But when they start absorbing the taxi markets, bringing taxi service to any part of the world, driving your kids to and from school, delivering both people and things? We can't compete with handicar.
It's just so damn handy! If there is a way to reduce handicar's positive publicity, then we need to do it now.
And you you say it's theoretically possible? Of course.
It's very simple.
If you're a sheep herder and a snake is killing all your sheep, - how do you get rid of the snake? - Who's the sheep herder? - You are.
- Who's the snake? Handicar.
It's an analogy! Shut up, Mimsy! If you're a sheep herder and a snake is killing your sheep, all you have to do is prove to the sheep that the snake is a completely inferior entity.
- Timmy! - Timmy! Hey, Timmy.
How is the fundraising for camp going? Timmy! That's great.
I can't wait for camp this year.
We are doing some fundraising, too.
Have you heard of my friend, Elon Musk, from Tesla? - Good day to you.
- Timmy! Hey, how would you like to have a friendly, little race? It would be great publicity for your foundation and for ours.
Darr, we're gonna get Timmy killed in the race, huh, boss? - Shut up, Mimsy! - What do you say, Timmy? A friendly race this Saturday? We'll see you at 9:00 A.
Hey, everyone! You need to see this! What started as a simple contest is quickly escalating into an international crisis.
As electronic cars challenge the oil industry and transportation alternatives fight for dominance, the unavoidable outcome may be a conflict the likes the world has not seen since the '70s.
It appears that the world is once again on the brink Of Wacky Races.
Wacky Races? Holy shit! The prime minister of Japan has insisted that any race would break the treaty of salzburg, which called for a cease-fire to the Wacky Races for their senseless brutality.
They also claim that if a race does take place, they would have no choice but to enter their completely self-driven prototype lexus into the conflict.
The Canadians and Chinese are also saying they would be forced to race, and no one yet has heard from dick dastardly or muttley.
Unless a miracle happens, this Saturday morning, the world will witness the first Wacky Races in nearly 50 years.
Randy, they're bringing back wacky races Saturday morning! - I know! Are we watching at your house? - That's it, everyone! - We're out of cereal! - No! - I didn't get any! - That guy has two! - There's none left! - Don't you understand?! Don't you see what they're doing? This is just another example of corporations trying to keep down - people with handicaps.
- Don't do the race.
You don't have to prove anything.
He has to do it.
Don't you see? He has people that are depending on him to raise as much money as possible.
There are hundreds of people - with handicaps now.
- Timmy.
But isn't that the problem? I mean, let's face it.
It's not like he's able to keep the driver quality up.
Anyone can have a handicap now.
I mean, even Matthew McConaughey's a handicar driver, for Christ's sake.
- Hey.
- I was driving a handicar Way before I got paid to drive one.
I just like how it feels.
Look, the point is that this is your opportunity to make handicar Oop, sorry.
Hold on.
I went too far.
This is your opportunity to make handicar the transportation of the future.
Think what you could do with all that money.
And here they are, the most daredevil group of shared-ride drivers to ever whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races.
Competing for the title of the future of transportation.
Cars are approaching the starting line.
First off is the lift car, a ride-sharing company out of San Francisco.
Next up is the zip car, a pay-by-the-hour concept based on Chinese bicycles.
Maneuvering for position is a standard taxicab driven by an angry Russian.
Right behind is a Hummer Salesman in his 2014 hummer no class.
And there's ingenious inventor elon musk in his new Tesla D.
Oh, and here's the lovely Canadian actress neve Campbell in the Canadian concept vehicle, the queef, powered completely on female natural gas.
Next we have the handicar with Timmy Burch, and there's the completely automated self-driving car from Japan.
Limping along last are those double-dealing do-badders dick dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley.
And away they go.
On the way out Wacky Races.
And this live coverage of the event will be broadcast all morning, of course, on CNN.
- Jesus.
It's begun.
- God help them all.
All I know is, if dastardly and muttley are up to their old tricks, there's gonna be a lot of violence today.
You're watching BBC World.
The violent conflict over transport is underway, and it is even more senseless and vile than many remember.
We return you now to our live coverage of the Wacky Races.
As the Wacky Racers roll down the roadway, we see that the taxicab is in the lead with handicar pulling up the rear.
Timmy! All the cars must follow the same route.
First they'll leave the town of South Park then navigate through giggling gulch on the final stretch to pick up the passenger, a miss dotty applegate.
Once the passenger is picked up, the vehicle must successfully deliver her to the destination point at her daughter's house in Morrison.
It looks like the zip car is trying to vie for position past the hummer vehicle.
It's neck and neck as the Wacky Racers all push to be first to pick up the passenger.
Miss applegate is waiting patiently.
And Elon Musk's Tesla appears to take the lead.
Slow down! I need Timmy to pick up the passenger before we do.
But I thought we wanted handicar to lose the race! He can't just lose the race.
He has to get sued and lose the whole business.
That's why when he gets the passenger, I've got a little - surprise waiting for him.
- Hey, boss, it seems like every time you come up with a plan, it kind of backfires on you.
If you really don't want to go to summer camp so bad, why don't you just tell your parents how you feel? You know, tell them you don't want to go and just see how they react.
Wait, wait.
I got it.
Shut up, Mimsy! - Hey, Mimsy.
- Yeah? Shut up! The Canadian car overtakes the self-driving car.
And now here comes the zip car, which is being driven by Matthew McConaughey.
I was driving a zip car Way before I got paid to drive one.
And look at this.
The lift car is the first to arrive and pick up the passenger.
Now the lift car must take the passenger to her destination, but look at this.
The hummer salesman is running the lift car off the road.
And the hummer salesman is taking the passenger to the car, and he is going to let her drive herself.
You've got a fully-automated sound system, and your sunroof is operated right here.
What do you think, huh? Can you see yourself in one of these puppies? Elon musk is using one of his kooky inventions to put the hummer out of commission for good.
- Oh! God! - Jesus! - Did you see that? - Oh! The passenger is being taken to the Tesla D now.
No, wait.
She just got snatched by the pissed off Russian in his taxi.
Miss applegate is now in the back of the taxi, and she's being forced to watch Jimmy Fallon.
The Canadian car's completely run out of queefs.
With the race nearly over, it's the taxi out in front, followed by self-driving car, and then - pulling up in third is handicar.
- Timmy! - It's gonna be a close one.
- Not too close, boopsie.
Oh, no.
Dick Dastardly is up to no-do-goodery again.
Oh! Oh! Dude! Oh! And there's handicar to pick Mrs.
Applegate up! That's it.
Handicar has the passenger.
We're almost in range.
Another 100 feet.
Wait a minute.
What the hell are all of those cars? Holy shit! - Timmy! - Timmy! - Timmy! - Timmy! We're near the finish line.
The race is almost over.
Handicar is in the lead still way out in front of the zip car, driven by Matthew McConaughey.
Sometimes you got to go forward by going backward.
Are we driving cars or are cars driving us? The dastardly car is racing past both.
This could be an upset, folks.
Timmy! Good night, you son of a bitch.
Mimsy, I told you to put the explosives under Timmy's seat! You told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake, soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! Not that fake, soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! Oh, my.
It appears that an explosion has opened up a wormhole with Matthew McConaughey inside.
Mimsy And there's the finish.
It looks like handicar has done it.
Timmy! A big congratulations to our fundraising champion.
After selling the handicar rights to Elon Musk, Timmy has raised $2.
3 billion for summer camp.
Great job to all of you.
This is sure to be the best summer camp ever! All set for bed, honey? - Yeah, I like to sleep at nighttime! - All right.
Good night.
Mom? - Can we talk? - Um, yes.
- O-of course.
- This is very difficult, mom.
But, um You know how every year I go to summer camp? Well I hate it.
I hate it, and I don't want to go anymore.
I'm sorry I can't understand you, honey.
You're handicapped.
What's to understand? I'm telling you I don't want to got to that stupid camp anymore! You want water? Is that what you want? No, I don't want to go to camp! Oh, yes, ok, honey, I'll turn off the lamp.
No, that's not what I said! Goddamn it, now I can't even see.
What's he saying? That he doesn't want to go to summer camp this year.
But I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip.
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