South Park s20e09 Episode Script

Not Funny

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind I like fucking silly bitches and I know my penis likes it! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine [Indistinct shouting.]
Detective Harris: Everyone, calm down.
We have to have civil order.
Listen to me! [Shouting stops.]
Now, I know everyone is scared, but we have to keep control.
Yes, all our e-mails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge.
[Shouting resumes.]
But! But! [Shouting stops.]
We all need to understand that Troll Trace will never happen if people don't log on to use it.
The website is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet.
It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else to add to that database.
If we can all agree to resist the urge to look up other people's Internet histories, Maggie, okay? As long as we all respect each other's privacy, darling, then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins.
And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it? I know I'll certainly respect other's privacy.
But what about people like Laura Tucker, the blabbermouth? Excuse me? And that's why we have to come together as a community and resist any temptation to use Troll Trace, Maggie.
We have to stay in control.
This hack of our city will never happen so long as we can rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people.
We're gonna die! - Oh! We got to get the kids! - Get the kids! Let's go! Guess I could have worded that differently.
Sheila: What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy me like that?! Your brother was being punished for using the computer, and you decide to just leave with him?! I just felt bad for him, Ma.
You felt bad for him?! After all the horrible things he said to people online? Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle.
You just wait till your father gets home.
[Slams door.]
[FaceTime rings.]
Ike! Where the [bleep.]
have you been?! Daddy needs your help.
You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? You know how bad your mom is.
She completely overreacts to everything.
That's where your brother gets it from.
You don't want to be like Kyle, do you? Hi, Dad.
Hey, buddy! Everything good there? It was you this whole time.
You're the troll who caused all this trouble.
No, it was your brother.
I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle.
He needs counseling or Heidi Turner did emoji analysis.
It was an adult.
It was you! Shh! Shh! Okay, keep your voice down.
Why, Dad? Why did you do this?! Because it's [bleep.]
funny, Kyle.
It's called having a sense of humor and laughing.
You should [bleep.]
try it once in a while.
Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?! Because it's so not funny, God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle.
Listen to me.
The Danish are [bleep.]
You have to get people to stop them.
- How? - Go get people riled up.
Call the president.
I don't know.
When you push people's buttons, they go and push other people's buttons.
- Now, get out there and - Kyle! Ike! What the hell is this?! What did I say?! Get off of that computer right now! [All shouting.]
Man: Uh, everyone, please, listen.
We don't have any rockets going to Mars.
Now, you're not listening.
We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet.
We're working as hard as we can.
There's a little girl working on the problem right now, and apparently, she's incredibly smart and funny.
You got it figured out, babe? Babe, I have no idea what any of this means.
Heidi, yes, you do.
You just have to get over yourself.
Come on.
Say it.
Say it.
Girls rule.
Women are funny.
Get over it.
Get over it, baby.
Stop holding yourself back.
Uh, excuse me.
Sorry, can we have a word, please? What the [bleep.]
do you want?! [Softly.]
Hang on, babe.
This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out, and we're rather busy.
Just give her a chance.
She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth.
I haven't really heard her say anything funny.
Yeah, that's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk, that won't let you get over yourself.
Butters: Hee, yeah! Don't worry about Heidi.
She's a hoot! [Beeping.]
[Door opens.]
Here they come.
Oh, thank God.
There's been a mistake, okay? I'm not one of them.
My son is Skankhunt42.
Go online and see.
He's still doing it.
All of you, remove your clothes.
What are you gonna do to us? Remove your clothes now! In here.
Move! Oh, God! Oh, God! They're gonna kill us! No, no, no, no, wait.
Okay, okay, it was me.
You're right.
I'm Skankhunt.
But I'm not like them.
I have a good job.
I'm a good guy.
I'm sorry.
I was just being funny.
I was trying to make people laugh.
That's a positive thing, right? I wasn't doing it to hurt people.
I was just doing comedy.
It's different.
Please, it's different! [Door clanks.]
[Religious music plays.]
Priest Maxi: Lord, we look to thee on this, our most troubled hour.
We have been led astray, and now all we can do is wait for the inevitable to happen.
Soon, everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all.
Many lives will be turned upside down.
Of course, I have nothing to be worried about.
Since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so definitely no reason to look up my history.
But, uh, for many, this is a time to pray.
All: Oh, Lord, please forgive us for things we might have done online.
Men: Please try to understand that even if some of us were on ashleymadison.
com, it was only out of curiosity and not because we'd actually have an affair.
Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be in public.
Kyle: What are you all doing?! Somebody's threatening your way of life, and you're all just sitting here, praying?! Like a-a bunch of babies?! Like a bunch of pussies! Come on! This isn't South Park.
What's happened to us? We used to have a challenge and deal with it then move on to the next one.
Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week, and I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of it! Yeah! Now, for once, let's take a stand and try to end this.
We can't let Denmark change who we are.
Yeah! [Bleep.]
Denmark! - Yeah! - All right! You guys need to, you know, call the president and get him to take action.
- Aw.
- Oh.
Uh, the president? He won't listen to us.
He hates us now.
But there's somebody he will listen to.
President, we're looking at global destabilization like we've never seen.
Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked.
Well, what do they want me to do about it? You're the leader of the free world.
Everyone is looking to you to be the calm and steady voice they all need.
President? Mr.
President, the Israeli Prime Minister is on line one.
The Chancellor of Germany is on line two.
And a Mr.
Slave is on line three.
Slave? This is the president.
What's up? Well, well, well.
Crawling out of the woodwork to try and get me back now that I'm a big cheese? No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark.
Who wants me to bomb Denmark? Lots of people, 'cause it's, like, going to ruin their freedom of speech or something.
Slave, this is all very complicated diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You're such a little bitch.
Oh, I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be president, bitch! You're a little bitch president.
You're too scared to bomb anybody.
I'm not scared! My advisors have told me that I Yeah, you're scared.
Just do what your little advisors tell you to do.
If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy.
Pussy ass bitch.
Pussy ass bitch.
Oh You Oh, okay! You think so, huh? Well, watch this, you gay asshole! Bomb Denmark! Sir? The Troll Trace building and the whole [bleep.]
thing Whatever it is, get the missiles ready! Yeah, it worked.
- All right! - Whoo-hoo! - Yeah! - Yeah! Hello! [Humming.]
- What are you doing? - Going pee.
I mean what are you doing calling my girlfriend funny? You better back off! You don't even know her! You haven't spent any time with her! You're just saying it! How do you even know she's funny?! Well, 'cause you keep telling everyone she is.
Butters, Heidi is everything to me.
If you try and take her, I swear to God, I will Eric, Eric, trust me.
I want nothing to do with girlfriends.
I know what girlfriends do.
They make you feel the happiest you ever felt.
Then they crawl up inside of you and poop on your heart.
What are you talking about? That's how it ends, Eric.
Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they're the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing, and you're left there, crying, with your heart covered in poop.
Not Heidi.
She's different.
She's really smart.
And really funny.
Sure, buddy.
"Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has ended and that a military strike on the country is now eminent.
" - Yay! - "The president stated that since the" - Are you serious right now?! - [Screaming.]
Get off that computer! Mom, we were just using it to look at the news.
I don't care.
I said no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother.
And now it's turning you against me, Kyle! I'm not against you, Mom.
You are! Your father goes away on business, and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! Do you understand?! - Y-Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Mom.
And when your father gets home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling.
- Denmark?! - Denmark?! What is Dad doing in Denmark?! The government sent him over there to do paralegal training, so it would have been nice if you could have shown a little support.
[Slams door.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
Will somebody shut him up? Skank.
Skank, get ahold of yourself.
You were right, Dildo, when you said I was a dick, when you called me an asshole.
I am.
And now I'm gonna die alone, just like you said.
Come on.
You're not an asshole.
You said I was, though, 'cause I only trolled to be funny.
Well Well, maybe being funny is just sort of how you deal with serious subjects.
Really? You don't think I'm a bad person? I'm sorry.
All you guys, I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
- That's okay.
Okay, Skank.
All right.
Excuse me.
Hello? Could I please speak to the person in charge? I have something to say.
Please, just for a moment? Bring him to the conference room.
Dude, I am so not getting this.
I just don't understand it.
She's always been really smart before.
And hilarious.
Don't feel bad about getting duped, Eric.
It's happened to all of us.
Nobody's been duped! Stop trying to suggest she's being manipulative.
Why would she want to trick me? The truth is girls hate us, Eric.
They're sick of our shit.
And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen.
Boys' only hope is to start over on Mars.
That's ridiculous.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Heidi is the smartest, funniest person I've ever met! I'm not being tricked! And I'll prove it to everybody! Gerald: Oh, my gosh.
Thank you so much for talking to me.
I just really need to get something off my chest.
I'm so sorry.
I have had the biggest epiphany about the damage I've done, the people I've hurt, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really a troll.
I actually have a job.
I'm a lawyer.
I've got a loving wife and great kids.
Um, I've got a family that really misses me and needs me.
Freja Ollengaurd, the volleyball player, had a family, too.
They miss her quite a lot.
And that That is so tragic.
And I'm so sorry she was driven to kill herself by trolling.
It's It's wrong.
But, you know, I just sort of set things in motion.
See, I'm a satirist.
I challenge people's point of views by being sort of edgy.
And sometimes, people can be like, "Whoa!" and mistake that for hate, but it's not hate.
It's pointing out hypocrisies in our society.
You're so full of skinkinslat I can smell it from here.
If you say mean things and you're mean, then I agree you should be killed.
But if you're being funny, which spreads joy You really think my plan is to kill you? It's not? Leave us.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Do you want to know what's really funny? Mr.
President, the bombers are en route to Europe.
Are you sure you want to proceed with this? Yeah, yeah.
Bomb the shit out of them.
We have to be tough here.
President, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg is on line one.
The Chairman of the Workers Party is on line two.
And Kyle is on line three.
Oh, geez.
What does Kyle want? This is the president.
Garrison, you can't bomb Denmark! Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle.
It-It's wrong, and it could start a bigger war.
Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't understand the political complexities involved here.
I understand you're a dipshit little gay puppet.
Excuse me? Letting your ex-boyfriend manipulate you 'cause you miss his sweet ass.
Who told you that? Everyone knows that.
You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into do.
Kyle, I am the president.
You're a little dipshit president.
With a dirty asshole.
With a dirty asshole.
And you shit out your dick.
And you shit out your dick.
Where'd you learn to talk like this? Daddy! Oh, that's what people think, huh? Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark.
What do you think about that?! Yeah, you will, 'cause you're a little retarded shit bitch.
God [bleep.]
damn it! Hold up! Hold up on the [bleep.]
bombs a minute! Hey, baby.
Uh, how's it going? I don't understand what any of these symbols mean, so, in my head, I'm trying to replace them with something I know to try and see patterns.
Okay, cool.
Um, babe, you remember that funny thing you were saying about soup the other day? What was that again? And when I do that, I can see how everything lines up, except for one thing.
Heidi: [Thinking.]
I call it [echoing.]
emoji analysis.
Emoji analysis.
Do you Do you remember that funny voice you did at McDonald's? You were like, "Could you Could you hand me my water," or something.
I can't I can't remember.
Those two don't line up, babe.
The only things that are out of order.
Or the time you said the thing about clouds and I was laughing so hard What was that again? Excuse me.
Is it possible that the seventh line from the right and the third one up from the bottom left are out of sequence? I'm sorry? That stuff there.
It's in the wrong place.
It needs to come before that.
Wait a minute.
She might be on to something here.
Okay, okay, now could you just do the "my vagina" thing for them? Could you just say, "my vagina"? They're out of sequence! I'll show you! What the [bleep.]
is happening? Do you remember, Mr.
Skankhunt, when you and your little buddies trolled the entire country of Denmark? And that was wrong, too.
I certainly want to apologize for that.
That was certainly a display of the power of trolling, wasn't it? But what would be even more impressive? I-I don't understand.
What if you could troll the entire world? Somebody who could rise to political power through nothing more than pushing people's buttons and getting them all riled up, become the leader of a Scandinavian country, perhaps, get them to listen to you when, actually [American accent.]
you're not even [bleep.]
No way.
Use that country to create a machine that relies on the shittiness of people to [bleep.]
over other people and watch the whole world go completely batshit.
[Danish accent.]
Attention all Troll Trace workers.
Please report to assembly hall one for a big announcement.
[American accent.]
Completely fool everyone and keep your real intentions completely anonymous.
You would deliberately start World War III, let the people of Denmark die, set everyone on Earth against each other? Why?! Because it's freakin' hilarious! Getting a Scandinavian country to fight trolls by building a giant machine that actually shows everyone on Earth is kind of a troll, too? That's not funny.
That's not funny?! Don't be a fag, dude.
That's real bro shit there.
Sorry to step on your [bleep.]
dicks in the mouth and tit jokes, you amateur little pussy.
Come on! Have some [bleep.]
balls! You can't do this to people! It's not right! [Chuckles.]
Listen to you.
[Danish accent.]
All right, everyone.
Show's about to begin.
[Song playing.]
What the [bleep.]
is going on? Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you - Never gonna make you cry - Wow.
That's pretty impressive.
never gonna say goodbye Wait! Ike.
It's time.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with this, but it's the only way now.
I know.
Just remember I always loved you, little brother.
I love you, too, big brother.
Let's just get it over with.
[Music plays softly.]
Yes? Suck my balls.
You're a fat bitch.
What?! You get back here, you little monster! I have had it with you! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! Where is he? Where is your brother? He's in the pantry.
Don't you try and hide from me now! You are in big trouble, Ike! What?! What, what?! Kyle, you open this door right now! - Ma.
Mom, we are really sorry.
- Open this door! But Ike and I need to do something, and we have to be able to use the computers.
What, what?! No computers! Do not touch the computers! We have to do this, Mom.
It's the only thing that can save our family now.
You are done! You hear me?! You are both done!
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