South Park s21e10 Episode Script

Splatty Tomato

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine [Thunder crashes.]
CRYSTAL: [Screams.]
Mommy! Mommy! He's gonna get me! Honey, honey, who's gonna get you? The president! I saw him! He's gonna get me! Crystal, the president isn't going to get you.
But I saw him! See what I told you? It's that liberal school she's going to, filling her head with all kinds of garbage.
Sweetie, the president is doing the best job he can.
Your liberal school is just trying to convince you he's dangerous.
But But, Daddy, he's gonna Unh-unh.
No "buts.
" The president is in the White House, not here trying to get you, okay? Okay.
All right.
We're having a talk with that school in the morning.
Goodnight, honey.
[Thunder crashes.]
Hey! How are my approval ratings? [Screams.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
REPORTER: And the latest reports are now saying that over a million Canadians were killed in the nuclear blast.
The bomb dropped by the U.
President took out the entire city of Toronto and fallout is expected to kill thousands more in the coming days.
Ike, I'm sorry that I 'caused a nuclear bomb to be dropped on Canada.
I was just You know, I was just trying to get shows that were toxic taken down.
You know, those shows can be really harmful.
Oh, stop being a victim.
Jesus Christ! BOB: What I want to know is what gives you the right to preach your political views to my children?! Our daughter woke up with nightmares that the president was going to get her.
Just because two liberals happen to be principal and vice principal doesn't mean you can brainwash my kids! Uh, we sort of have some bigger problems right now, Mister, uh It's White.
Bob White.
You've probably never even heard of our family, huh? Well, the Whites have been here since the beginning! Not that it matters.
'Cause no one cares about the Whites! Sure, everyone else has problems, but does anyone ever ask the Whites how they're doing? Mr.
White, we assure you that we run the school in a very professional manner and don't let personal emotions get in the way.
Oh, sure you don't! You know how hard I had to fight to even get this meeting with you? "Oh, who wants to talk to the administration?" "Oh, it's just the Whites?" "Aw, who cares about the Whites? They're fine.
" Well, we've just about had it you If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right I don't wanna be right and, damn it, we won't be ignored! I'm sorry.
Is anyone else hearing "(If Loving You is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right" very, very quietly? Uh, no.
and Mrs.
White, we promise that we will not let anything happen that might bring the integrity of this school into question.
Guess that's all the Whites can hope for these days.
[Thunder crashes.]
- Hey! - [Screams.]
How are my approval ratings? It's the president! [Screams.]
Wait, come back! What's wrong?! Still no word from the president as his 'Splatty Tomato' approval rating drops to an unprecedented 3%.
This puts the president four points below "Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature.
" Meanwhile, the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, called upon Canadians to stand strong.
Make no mistake, America.
If you do not hand over your president, there will be war the likes of which you have never seen.
Canadians will rise together.
I call on all Canadians here and abroad to stand with their country.
The U.
President must answer for his crime.
And only Canada can bring him to justice.
[Shudders, whimpers.]
There, there, Tweek.
Everything is gonna be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me! What's going on? Tweek's having a panic attack.
It was real! He tried to get me! - Who did? - The president! It's just your imagination, Tweek.
It's not his imagination.
I saw him, too.
You saw the president? Out by the quarry, but I didn't believe it.
I said, "How could this be" The president? I saw him, too.
He had a blue suit and an orange face.
He kept asking me, "How are my" TOKEN: "How are my approval ratings?" I saw him, too.
Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called "Stranger" "Stranger Things.
" "Stranger Things" is the show.
I saw it, too.
But wait, isn't "Stranger Things" just like that movie Just like that movie "It.
" You saw it, too? Yeah, I saw it in the theater.
I saw "Stranger Things" and "It.
" Jesus.
I don't think anyone's imagining anything.
I think the president is here.
You kids get inside somewhere.
I have to warn the town.
Ugh! [Indistinct chatter, shouting.]
All right, people.
People, please.
We need everyone to try and stay calm.
How can we stay calm when the president's out there scaring our children?! Look, we all want the president out of here.
It's just a matter of how we do it.
I know you all want to get rid of him.
That's not true.
The Whites still support the president! Oh, for [bleep.]
sake, White, he's running around eating our pets and terrorizing our kids! You think Hillary would have been any better? [Shouting, booing.]
MAN: Just sit down, Bob! I'm just sayin'! I'm just sayin'! Listen, everyone.
I have a team right now that's trying to locate the president, and I'd like you to hear from Officer Bright, who's leading the search.
Hey, folks.
We know you're all concerned, but I want to assure you that we are doing everything we can to track the president down and have him safely removed.
Since the president was given a splatty tomato, he's become very desperate and very dangerous.
If you see the president, do not approach him.
Do not try to reason with him.
Most importantly, remember that this is the president, so you cannot shoot him.
All right? You can't even talk about shooting him.
Don't even do any coy satirical takes on shooting him.
Okay, good.
What we're trying to do here is just get the president to go away.
We're gonna be handing out padlocks like this one so everyone can lock up their garbage.
If we don't feed the president, hopefully he'll just move on.
Are there any questions? Can we talk about a friend shooting him if it's in a sort of a sarcastic way? No, no, no.
Now, it's - it's just best to avoid that kind of talk altogether.
Remember, they can do to you what they did to Kathy Griffin.
Made her not funny for 30 years? That's right.
So best thing is just lock up your garbage and see if we can get the president to go away.
Now kids are going missing.
We're all gonna be missing soon! [Exclaims.]
Kyle! It's my fault.
Ike went to go take matters into his own hands.
I have to find him.
We'll help you.
We'll all help you.
Guys, this could be really dangerous.
You're not going.
You promised tonight we'd have a date night.
Darling, this is a little more pressing than date night.
Oh, great.
So, Kyle's stupid brother goes missing, and I get [bleep.]
How come I'm always the one getting shit on around here? I don't need anyone to go with me.
Oh, what's the matter, Kyle? Don't want me around because you had the hots for me and I shut you down? I would never ve the hots for the person you are now.
STAN: Come on, you guys.
Look, we all know what we're supposed to do now.
We all saw "It" and "Stranger Things.
" We need to get our backpacks and go out to woods and save the town from evil to some kick-ass '80s' music! Hello, joining us for lunch today? Uh, yes.
We are here with our student of the day to reward him lunch with the principal and vice principal.
We have a reservation.
Okay, last name? Woman.
First name.
Oh, yes, Strong Woman, here we are.
We have a nice booth set up for you.
We can't keep doing this.
People are gonna see through it.
Is it my fault that I found the most amazing, perfect, beautiful woman at work? Nobody will understand.
Maybe they will.
We're co-workers who are in love.
You really that's going to bother people? Well, should we order now? [Whistles softly.]
RANDY: What are you doing, Bob? Aah! Have you been putting food out for the president? No, I was just, uh, taking these finger sandwiches to the trash.
We all agreed not to feed him so he'd go away.
We didn't all agree! You all agreed! Nobody asked the Whites how they felt! Nobody cares what the Whites have to say! Bob, come on.
You have to know it's not safe to have him here.
In 2003, Hillary Clinton admitted to taking funds for her foundation from foreign diplomats! What's that got to do with anything, Bob? Come on.
It's [bleep.]
true! Bob, if Canada finds out the president is hiding here, they are going to nuke us.
He needs to go.
Hillary wouldn't have been any better.
Give me the finger sandwiches.
Fine! Go ahead and take the White's sandwiches! They've taken everything else! [The Chicago Bears' "The Super Bowl Shuffle" plays.]
We are the Bears shufflin' through Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you We're so bad we know we're good Blowin' your mind like we knew we would We're not here to start no trouble We're just here to do the Super Bowl shuffle Dude, this is '80s' music? Yeah.
It's Pandora.
'80s channel.
Well, just skip to the next song, man.
We're trying to get psyched to destroy evil.
We need better '80s' music than that.
Gloria You're always on the run now Running after somebody You gotta get him somehow I think you've got to slow down Heidi.
Honey, what are you doing? This is the place This is the place where I ended it all, remember? This is where I threw my phone off the bridge and quit Twitter for good.
I was so different then so naive and hopeful.
Yes, honey, now, can we get going, please? I'm sorry! I'm trying to have a moment here! This is where our whole relationship started, asshole! Yes, it's very touching, sweetheart.
I love you so much.
I'm sorry about this, you guys.
I remember feeling like I had nobody.
Skinny bitch.
We need to keep going, guys.
Don't tell me you haven't gotten the President out of here.
We haven't gotten the President out of here.
And there's some worse news.
A bunch of kids have gone missing.
- What? - I think we have to assume that the President has eaten them.
Why are you here talking to me instead of trying to find the President?! Don't worry, we're close.
He's out in the woods somewhere.
And we've set up a fox trap.
A fox trap? [Mouse squeaking.]
[Insects chirping.]
[Mouse shrieks.]
[Thud in distance.]
Oh, Fox News They'll listen to me.
They'll get my side of the story right! [Imitates bird call.]
It's a trap! What? It's a Fox trap, Mr.
President! Oh, thank God for the Whites Hold on to the nights Ike! Ike?! Hold on to the memories Dude.
Come on! This is not kick-ass '80s music! "Hold On to the Nights" Richard Marx.
Do we really need music? Yeah! Craig just has the wrong stuff.
Forget your Pandora.
I'm doing Spotify.
'80s music.
I've got Pac-Man fever Pac-Man fever Oh, yeah.
That's better.
Can we go please?! I've got Pac-Man fever Pac-Man fever I'm going out of my mind Going out of my mind KYLE: Here it is.
[Door creaks opens.]
Ike? Wait a minute Isn't this the place you brought me before? The place you said your friends smashed your phone and computer? I remember I felt so bad for you.
We used to sit in the park and talk for hours.
How come we never do that anymore? Oh, [bleep.]
Here we go.
Here we go what?! You used to be so nice to me.
You used to be nice to me! I tried! But then you started rolling your eyes - every time I tried to talk to you! - Ughhh He's not here either.
Dude, maybe your brother Didn't even go looking for the President.
You don't understand Canadians.
They're fiercely loyal to their country.
When Canada is attacked, they all join in the fight.
Randy! Randy! - What? - They got him! They found the President! We found his hideout.
[Eerie whispering.]
Someone's gotta go flush him out.
I'll be ready to trap him.
I'll do it.
Hey, hey! Just remember he's been eating animals and living like a monster.
Just prepare yourself for what you're out to see.
[Insects chirping.]
Oh, my God! What the Principal and Vice Principal? I told you we couldn't hide.
But But you two work together [Gags.]
You two work togeth [Vomits.]
[Vomiting continues.]
Hey, what the hell's going on?! They're together! Who's together? The Principal and the Vice Principal! They can't be together! They're co-workers! [Vomits.]
Wait, wait.
You mean he's actually her superior and they were in there [Gags.]
Who would want to put their penis in a co-worker?! [Gags, vomits.]
[All vomiting.]
Playing with the Queen of Hearts Knowing it ain't really smart The Joker ain't the only fool Who'll do anything for you Oh, my God! Look! Laying out another lie These are Ike's toy binoculars! He was here! Ike! I remember this place too This is where you brought me on Halloween.
Remember? [Sarcastically.]
Yes, darling, wasn't it romantic? No! It wasn't romantic.
There was a witch and you had me dress up like Gretel and [gasps.]
you were trying to get me killed! Sweetheart, you made me late to the pumpkin patch, remember? I was hurt.
You were hurt! You were the victim.
I'm glad you understand.
Who turned you into this, Heidi? Shut up! Skinny-ass bitch! You don't know anything! Heidi, I think spooky walk in the woods is making you lose it a little bit.
STAN: Guys! I'm seriously dehydrated and starving.
I'm pretty sick of this shit, so you better Aah! Have we already done a search of this area? Maybe Heidi went there with her boyfriend! She would have called by now.
I just talked to the McKormicks.
They haven't seen Tweek or Craig since yesterday.
Randy! Did you find anything? Sharon I-I What is it? What did you find? The There's Ugh Tell me! You have to tell me! Oh, God.
What did you see?! You don't want to know.
You have to tell me! I can take it! Did you find our son's arm? Did you find him torn apart? What?! The Principal and Vice Principal are, like together.
Aww! [High-pitched horn blows.]
It's the President! Ike! Kyle! Stan, you're okay! Yeah, we're okay! We got him.
We got the son of a bitch.
Get back! Everyone back! Do it now! Get over here, family! Bob, for the love of Pete, our country is about to go to war! You wanna know where there's a war?! There's a war on Christmas! Nobody cares about that! 'Cause guess who loves Christmas.
The Whites! At least this man's trying to save Christmas! [Muffled.]
That's true! He's not saving Christmas, Bob.
He's running around, scaring your kids, and shitting in the woods.
[Sighs, sobs.]
Come on, Bob.
What's best for your daughter? I mean, really? HEIDI: You piece of shit! This was all your fault! You controlled me and manipulated me and turned me into this! Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay? I used to be kind.
I used to be caring.
But then you you No.
Not you.
I did this.
I let being a victim become a way of life.
If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful.
Eric I'm sorry.
I'm breaking up with you.
Honey, don't be ridiculous.
I've been ridiculous.
I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.
Yes, I am.
It's over.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! Step back! I'll do it! I swear to God! It's not gonna work this time, Eric.
You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on, everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die.
" I'm sorry.
You can be the victim.
I can't.
Heidi! Heidi, I'm gonna do it! Here we go! Heidi?! Are you seriously [Screams.]
MAN: He broke free.
The president is on the loose again.
He'll be even more desperate now.
It's going to get worse.
We can't destroy him, can we? I don't know.
I guess it's up to the Whites.
Who would want to put their penis in a co-worker?!
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