South Park s23e10 Episode Script

Christmas Snow

1 I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night People spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine It's the holiday season With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock And don't forget to hang up your sock 'Cause just exactly at 12:00 He'll be coming down the chimney, down Coming down the chimney, down! Mkaaay Alright, everyone, are we enjoying the festivities?! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Well, it's time for a very special guest now.
Here he is Santa! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
TOGETHER: Santa! Merry Christmas, everyone.
This is the season for joy and giving.
But let's also not forget that, unfortunately, it's the season for accidents caused by drunk driving.
Did you know that the holidays are when the most DUIs and drinking-related accidents occur? This is like that little Greta girl with the global warning.
Buzz-kill! - [CROWD BOOING.]
- Please, be sure to celebrate the season responsibly.
- Because last holiday season - [BOOING GROWS LOUDER.]
The The most drunk-driving accidents than ever be We're trying to have fun here, Santa! - Okay, okay.
Come on.
All Santa is saying is that drinking and driving during the holidays Okay, thank you, Santa.
That was wonderful and informative.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
We hope you and your loved ones enjoy all your favorite holiday traditions! Yeah! Let's drive! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Bring out your bells, your Christmas bells Come on, we're going for a sleigh ride Christmas time is here again Come on, we're going for a sleigh ride MAN: I know, Ned! To spread the cheer again From the top of the chimney to the top of the wall Dash away, dash away, dash away, all [TIRES SCREECH.]
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way [TIRES SCREECH, BANG.]
Mornin', Jim.
Mornin', Kate.
Mornin', Stotch.
We really tied one on last night, huh? Happy Holidays.
What the hell's going on? We We don't know! Hey, guys.
The fuck is this? JIMBO: There's like a chain blocking the liquor aisle.
Uh, maybe we can just go around to the other side.
Come on! What the hell? I dunno, there's some kind of blockage in front of the booze section.
But this is ridiculous.
Manager! Manager! Can I help you? Manager, there's a chain and sign blocking our way into the liquor aisle.
We can't sell liquor during the holidays.
Somebody got a new county ordinance passed.
What? Who has that kind of power? It's Christmas, damn it! What are we supposed to drink?! You gotta just drink what you have at your house.
We drank it all before driving to the tree-lighting ceremony! ALL: Yeah! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Hold on! Sorry, everyone.
I've been shut down until the new year.
No! Not you, too! You must have something you can give us.
All I've got is this little bottle of peppermint schnapps, and it's barely enough for my drive home.
I've got family coming over from out of town! You can't expect me to be sober! Skeeter! Thank God you're still open.
Gimme a Cabernet, huh? And a couple bottles to take home.
I got lemonade, soft drinks, and teas.
That's all I can sell until January 2nd.
Son of a bitch! This can't be happening.
Hey, come on, guys.
It's still Christmas, and we have to make the best of it.
How about we all drive around a little? Oh, what's the point, Jimbo?! What's the point of driving now? Silent night Holy night All is calm Nobody's out shopping.
The town is dead.
Our economy depends on the holidays.
We don't know who passed the ordinance, Mayor, but well, the people just feel let down.
There's only one thing we can do.
We're going to have to ask an old friend for help.
And hope that he somehow forgives us.
Hello, Mayor, everybody.
What are you doing here? Mr.
Marsh, South Park needs you.
For what? Everyone's down in the dumps.
Nobody's buying presents or going to holiday events.
People they need some holiday spirit.
We think that a little weed might put everyone in a better mood.
Guys, my season is over.
Tegridy Farms' season ended weeks ago.
We understand, but couldn't you do, like, a limited-edition run just to get people through the holidays? You want me to do a Christmas special? Yes! South Park needs Tegridy Farms.
We all do, Randy! But, guys, look behind you.
The crops are dead.
How am I supposed to sell weed to people now? I'll tell you how.
Because you're Randy Marsh.
And there's one thing you have that nobody else does Tegridy.
You're You're not gonna let a little cold weather stand in your way.
Tegridy Farms is about community.
And community is what matters.
That's Tegridy.
That's tegridy weed.
Well, you're right about that.
Lemme call my marijuana science specialist, and I'll see what I can do.
Thank you, Marsh.
And God bless Tegridy Farms.
Look, I'm sorry, Randy, but marijuana simply doesn't grow in the cold.
So we use the greenhouse.
There's gotta be a way to make a Christmas special.
It's what everyone wants.
Hey, wait a minute! How about we repackage some of the surplus? We still have lots of leftover Mexican Joker.
That's 'cause people didn't really like Mexican Joker.
I'm not gonna just repackage it.
That's not special.
Okay, so, how about we combine what's left of the Mexican Joker with some of the Season Finale? Agh! What's wrong? It's just it needs something else.
Just mixing old product together and naming it something new That's not special, and it's not Tegridy.
It's just not Tegridy.
It's gonna be your birthday soon, Jesus.
I wanna make something as special as you are.
I just need the right idea.
I hate the holidays.
Come on, Token, let's wrap it up and get out of here! Dude, our parents seem really bummed out.
Yeah, it's like someone came and took all their Christmas spirits.
This isn't good, you guys.
You know what it means when our parents have no Christmas spirit? Shitty presents.
We're screwed, you guys.
They just gotta get their Christmas spirits back! They just gotta! [ENGINE REVVING, HORN HONKING.]
Look! Well, howdy there, folks.
Randy? Heard you were all a little down and might need a boost.
So I thought I'd bring you some Christmas Snow.
Whoa, whoa.
There's enough for everybody.
Oh, wow, this smells great! Hey, what's this white stuff on the top? Just a little something extra for a special kick.
Well, what are we waiting for, everyone?! - Let's do some driving! - [CROWD CHEERS.]
Bring out your bells, your Christmas bells Come on, we're going for a sleigh ride Christmas time is here again - Come on, we're going for - [CHEERING.]
Now back to the "Tegridy Farms Christmas Special!" [BANG ON DOOR.]
Oh, hi, Mayor.
We need to talk, Marsh.
What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas special so far? Oh, people love the Christmas special.
So Marsh.
What exactly is in this Christmas Snow? Okay, okay, look, you busted us.
It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season.
I know, it's wrong.
No, no, no, what is the white stuff on the marijuana? Oh, that? That's cocaine.
What?! Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ.
You know, powder, snow.
It's what gives the Christmas special its kick.
Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own.
Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than marijuana plant.
It can grow even when we're out of season.
What is wrong with you?! We can't have you selling this stuff in town! Cocaine is illegal! It is? Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison! Hey, hey, it's not a big deal.
I've been through this before.
Hang on, I'll handle it.
Don't go anywhere.
Legalize it! Legalize it! Okay, cocaine's totally legal now.
It It is? Yeah.
Legal in seven states, including this one.
Other states are soon to follow.
I told you it's 2019, dawg.
I'm sorry, Santa.
I just can't think of anything I want this year.
I guess maybe now I'm losing my Christmas spirit.
Well, how about a little Baby Yoda doll? Nah.
"Mandalorian" was great the first few episodes, but it's really fallen apart lately.
What on Earth? Merry Christmas.
What the? How are people still drinking and driving? Oh, they aren't drunk, Santa.
Everyone's just enjoying this.
Tegridy Farms Christmas snow.
It's organic, locally grown, and available now.
- It's great, Santa! - Oh, you got to try it, Santa! [INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Marijuana?! This isn't what Santa meant! I got rid of liquor, and now you assholes are all just getting high?! God fucking damn it! Santa will just see about this! Our Christmas special is so amazing.
I don't know how we're gonna keep up with all the demand.
I know.
I know.
I can't print labels fast enough.
We need to get more help.
We're never gonna get enough done in time.
Hey, Shelley! Hey, Shelley! Hey, Shelley! What?! Hey, Shelley, can you help us make labels for the Christmas special?! No! I'm not helping you with your stupid blow! Oh, great.
My daughter had a marijuana problem, and now she has a problem with cocaine.
Ah, must be more customers.
What the hell is this? New ordinance has been passed by the county.
No Marijuana sales till after the holidays.
Fuck you.
Who has that kind of power? Look, I just do what I'm told, man.
Happy Holidays.
Hey, but You can't do this! They just shut down our business.
What are you talking about? We can't sell marijuana during the holidays.
What are we gonna do? We can't give up on the Christmas special.
People need it.
I think I know a way around this.
ANNOUNCER: There's somethin' about the holiday season.
Folks seem a little nicer, The days a little more special.
And sometimes, we all need a little pick me up, but without any added ingredients.
Introducing Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow from Tegridy farms.
All the festive snow you love without that pesky marijuana.
Because there's nothin' like a warm fire, some holiday presents, and a little Rocky Mountain Cocaine.
During Christmas, don't you want your cocaine to be organic, pure, and locally grown? Cocaine that's grown locally has never been smuggled, so the only ass it's gonna be up is yours.
Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow, now available from Tegridy Farms.
It's cocaine that's farm-to-nostril.
Boy, people sure do have the holiday spirit now.
What the hell happened? It's weird, though.
My parents have a lot of holiday spirit, but they sleep until about 3:00 in the afternoon every day.
Last night, my mom had a ton of holiday spirit, and then, passed out.
She hasn't gone out to buy me any presents.
Butters, your mom has so much holiday spirit that she's riding an ATV with her tits out.
Christmas! Whoo! Yeah, that's a little too much holiday spirit, if you ask me.
There you are, ma'am.
There you are, sir.
This is amazing, Towelie.
Tegridy Farms is finally going to make all the money I ever dreamed of.
What the Sam hell is going on here? [ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Marijuana-Free Christmas snow? You people realize that tomorrow is Christmas Eve!? And it's gonna be the best Christmas ever! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Happy holidays! Whoo! Santa to base.
Come in.
Go ahead, Santa.
Sleigh is too loaded down to fly.
Gonna have to take the roads until I find a place to dump all this blow.
Hold on tight, Towelie.
We have to save Christmas.
Oh, shit! [YELLS.]
The hell? Linda! Did you do all my Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow? I was just gonna ask you the same thing.
What are you talking about? Mine's all gone.
You had another bender last night, didn't you? No! Clearly, you did! [KNOCKING.]
Thomas, we were just wondering if we could borrow a little Christmas Snow? You can't find yours, either? My wife's been searching all morning.
The trash.
We must have thrown it in the trash.
It has to be here somewhere.
Alright listen, somebody obviously took everyone else's snow, and it's not cool! Come on! It's Christmas! Somebody has to have a little.
I feel like total shit.
It's gone, mkay! Just face it! It's all gone! SANTA: This is Santa.
The sleigh still isn't functional.
Got some of it repaired, but I don't think I'm gonna make it back in time for Christmas.
Hey, Santa? We need to talk.
Stay back, motherfucker.
Santa, you don't understand.
Oh, Santa understands plenty.
You assholes drink and drive, and you think marijuana is somehow different, and go driving around on that, and then, you go and make this shit.
Santa, that's not just cocaine.
It's Tegridy cocaine.
Oh, don't give Santa that.
Coke is coke.
That's not true.
This cocaine is grown locally, by local people.
Please, just try it.
Santa's done coke before.
Santa knows what Please.
It's cocaine just like every other cocaine Santa's ever tried.
You people really think that the holidays Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
But it doesn't matter.
Because Christmas is a Wow, that is really clean.
Right? It's, like, not speedy at all.
It's really mellow.
Honestly, I didn't know cocaine could be this pure.
Because it's grown here, on a farm.
It's not cut with any nasty chemicals or harmful impurities.
No, you can tell it's really clean.
Santa like-y.
Maybe I have been a little too old-fashioned in my thinking.
JESUS: I can't believe what I am hearing! Oh, Jesus.
I have heard your prayers, Marsh, and I have been watching.
You want people to think that homegrown cocaine is the same as legalizing marijuana? Jesus, you really got to try it.
No! You cut out the middle men.
Nobody dies in South America.
Nobody dies from impurities.
Please, Jesus.
I get it.
It's really clean.
It's Yeah It's a good high.
It's fucking pure.
It's Tegridy.
maybe we all do need a little Tegridy at Christmas time.
What are you doing, Jesus? I think it's time for a little Christmas miracle.
Hey, everybody! Try to catch some on your tongue.
It's fun.
Does this mean you all have the Christmas spirit again! You're darn tootin', we do.
Hey, guys.
I'm so happy my Christmas Special turned out okay.
It's more than okay.
Tegridy cocaine is smooth, and has a great finish.
I'll bet when coke becomes legal soon, everyone will want Tegridy cocaine.
Well only one thing left to do now, gang.
Let's go driving! [CHEERING.]
ANNOUNCER: All-natural Tegridy cocaine, endorsed and approved by Santa Claus.
Available soon at a store near you.

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