Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s09e01 Episode Script


Are we still canoeing later?
I'm awake!
No time for canoeing.
We have a foundation to -- what was he about to say, Moltar?
Well We run a foundation for inner-city Chinese children, uh,
who we first fireproof, and then we
set them on fire to see if it worked.
And it often does.
People pay you for this?
They pay us to put them out.
I was talking to Moltar!
Well, I have a better foundation, but you'll have to miss
your foundation activities if you want to see how good mine is.
Hey, what's your foundation about?
You don't know because I don't -- I not know.
But one thing's for sure -- there's gonna be animals!
Moltar, where are the animals?
Um, what animals?
You see, Moltar Kids are more
likely to trust their investments
with animals.
We could just get some poor people and treat them like animals.
Zorak, write this down -- no.
Moltar, get me Lassie so I can raise money for retardos.
Moltar, how much money's come in?
None money.
That is such b.S.
I told -- hey, brother!
Hey, brother.
You want to make a lot of money?
How? Blow this dog up?
Um There's probably a lot of money in that.
Okay, yeah. Sure.
Uh, Moltar, now how much money?
UhW-well, none.
Get me a cuter animal!
Okay. I'm on it.
Good evening, folks.
-I don't know what to say
-- hello, little fella.
What's your name?
Oh, yes.
Here we go.
What's your name, poochie?
Don't With me.
Doggie's got teeth.
Get to the plug.
Oh, my.
Get to the Plug already.
What's your name, little fella?
Look, you want to know about the dog,
you come over here and smell my ass,
like everybody else.
Fair enough.
What's going on here?
What are you -- bring it closer.
This is the lowest point in my career since I was groped
by that Alf puppet.
What the hell?
Are you kidding?
Oh, hey.
Holy No, I don't have a cold,
but my nose is shoved up a dog's ass.
What is this, eh?
Yeah, I'm in space.
Where'd you think I was?
Is that where we are?
We're in outer space!
Please shut up, dog!
I'm on the phone!
Space gho-o-o-st!
Get to the plug.
Let's talk about my beautiful singing voice.
I count seven creases.
Hang on.
I'll send you a picture.
Did you get the picture?
Eh Thank you.
That dog's ass had some great promotional offers.
Who watches this show?
Don't know.
Not sure.
There's more heat on the crap I left in your dressing room
than in this show.
Hang on.
What do I want this dog to do, Moltar?
I think you wanted him to be the mascot for your foundation.
Thank you.
What? Are you looking for a boyfriend now?
But I want Lassie to be the mascot for my foundation.
Lassie is dead.
Aw, damn it.
-12:15 on Sunday night
-- good for you.
Holy Can we rebuild him?
Uh, I don't know.
Thank you.
Good news, everybody.
We're rebuilding Lassie.
You ever work with Lassie?
If by "working,"
you mean "bang up the ass,"
yes, I have worked with her.
Did you hear what that guy said?
He said he banged a dog up the you-know-what.
Can you say "bang a dog up the ass" on tv?
Anything happen?
Um, I think some money came in.
Hang on.
I, too, banged a dog up the a--
Oh, come on, Moltar.
It's not like it was alive or anything.
They can take you off the air for that
kind of shi-- uh. W-- I meanStuff.
When did you become such a puritan?
Can we talk about some of the songs for a second?
Sure. We can talk about anything.
So long as sister Mary Moltar isn't in the room.
You're really digging yourself a deep hole.
A hole that I will bang my way out --
Calm down with this religion.
You know, all this salty language,
see, it ain't helping the found--
all I know, Moltar, is that I'm trying
to create a retardo-free society.
Well, you'll probably have the thanks
of all the retarded people watching.
They're not retarded, Moltar.
"Retardo" is the name of the disease, okay?
I named it.
And tonight, with this cute little dog's help
We're going to find a cure.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Space Ghost.
What? Is the song over?
Okay, okay. Nobody told me.
Nobody told me.
Thanks, bitch.
I'm sorry.
I thought the show -- and this was your idea for show 6.
Let's talk about something nice.
Let's talk about my beautiful singing voice.
We've got a lot of cool songs on the album that break the lid
off the dog industry, like "Benji's queer."
Why don't you play a little of it, Space Ghost?
UmYou know, weCan't.
Why not, mommy?
Screw him!
There's just a lot of -- I've got a song about him, too.
Questionable content.
Oh, yes!
Well, here's a question -- play the song, or you're fired!
And when I say "fired,"
I mean your job will be given to someone
who can bang it up the ass pro--
Man, they will shut us down.
Well, I bet zorak doesn't care.
Zorak! Get in here!
You're director now!
Now, wait a second.
Wh-what about me?
You will lick my shiny boots, for you are now my dog on a leash.
I'm ready to direct, sir.
You'll need these headphones.
Zorak. Oh Mm-hmm.
Do you have pets, triumph, like the one I'm showing you?
Ehh, yeah, I've got a -- do worms in your ass count as pets?
Hang on.
Yes. They do.
I've got about eight roundworm in there.
Frederick is, eh, he's the -- he's the shy one.
He just likes to eat.
Well, I love to eat worms
Out of people's asses Uh, eh, uh Hold on.
He's laughing.
UhOn the subway.
How did you get your job?
Tell him, dog.
Tell him, dog!
Uh, Scooby-doo.
That's a good dog.
I'm familiar with.
Scooby and I used to work together for Frank Sinatra, yes.
Every now and then, we would help
him bury hookers in the desert.
Well, i run a pack of hookers.
What else?
Oh, yes. Wiener.
Uh, whatever, man.
You're in trouble, my friend.
You're going down faster than Benji did in the snow dogs'
locker room.
Have I mentioned that Benji's queer?
Well, i'm queer, too.
Uh Mm-hmm.
-Yes, good observation from
-- from the spaceman.
I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.
Uh Mm-hmm.
And I like to eat my own butt Yes.
When I'm not killing hookers.
Oh, Space Ghost, what are you saying?!
Shut up, dog!
Eat your biscuit!
Is it true that wonder woman once
violated you with -- hang on -- I just
came up with a new slogan for my foundation.
Who wants to hear it?
Uh, please.
"We moisten your dreams with man urine"?
Whatever you say, with your out-of-space jargon.
Won't you help?
Just 20 cents a day and we moisten your dreams withMan urine.
Won't you help?
I think i will.
Won't you help?
Under the desk.
Now, Moltar, sprinkle my contribution on the children
so that they may dream.
Eh, I'm lost.
How does this relate to curing retardos?
It doesn't, Moltar.
Can't you see what I'm doing here?
I'm holding my own urine in a cup
because I have responsibilities.
Won't you help?
Hey, retardos
why can't you walk over here
you've been out mendin' fences
and you probably can't even walk now
but, retardos
meet your warm, golden cure
'cause you've been out mendin' fences
where you'll never walk alo-o-o-o-o-ne
so send me some money
or I'll bang you up
yes, I'll bang you right up your a-a-a-a-ass
So, retardos number 1 forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could
just have a moment of your time.
Help us save a life -- perhaps yours -- drop by precious drop.
Because we're all the same yellow color inside.
Thank you.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Only with your urine can we be curin',
so please -- get up and pee in a cup.
And remember -- retardos number 1 forever.
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