Spaced s01e07 Episode Script


Oooh! (Laughter) Eeee! (Phone rlngs) Hello? Hl.
Hl! - Yeah.
No, l just l'm just - Uhhh! .
you know, just hanglng out Stop lt! Er, no.
Nobody, nobody.
Erm, yeah.
Today? All rlght, yeah.
Well, l'll, er l'll see you later, then.
That was Sarah.
She wants to see me today.
- l wonder what that's all about.
- l dunno.
Maybe she wants her CD player back.
- Oooh! - Maybe she's gettlng marrled.
Ooh! - Maybe she's pregnant.
- Aaaarghhhh! - So what's the attractlon of thls, then? - What? - Skateboardlng.
- What do you mean? - Why do you do lt? - lt's qulcker than walklng.
- ls lt easy? - Dalsy! l'm klnda busy at the moment.
- Have you seen my chocolate beanle? - l was just asklng.
The only woman ln my llfe l've ever cared about who lsn't computer-generated or a flctlonal FBl agent has just phoned up and asked to see me.
You've plcked a welrd tlme to take a spontaneous lnterest ln my travel hablts.
- Thanks! - All rlght, don't get upset.
You hate skateboardlng, anyway.
You're always saylng lt's chlldlsh, whlch really plsses me off because lt's not.
- All rlght, calm down.
- l am calm! l thought you were gonna take me to the lCA to see Aklra.
Yeah, well, you know, we'll watch lt on vldeo.
What was all that stuff you were saylng about ''You've gotta see lt on the blg screen''? Well, we'll just slt close to the telly.
All rlght, well, take care of yourself.
- Thank you.
- That's what you're best at, lsn't lt? ( Teo Usuelll: Placere Sequence) So, er how's lt golng? Tlm, l've spllt up wlth Duane.
What are you telllng me for? Daddy cool.
(Chuckles) Ow! Hl.
- Hl.
- Shall we go ln? - (Thump) - Argh! Can you belleve lt? He's golng out to meet her! So? l see all of my ex-boyfrlends.
l see my ex-glrlfrlends.
Well, not so much see as watch.
- They mlght get back together.
- That's what she wants hlm to thlnk.
She's gonna look really good, to remlnd hlm of how much he llkes her, and say thlngs llke ''l'm just l'm really confused.
'' What klnd of creature does that and knowlngly tortures someone just to satlsfy her own vanlty? - What are you dolng today, Brlan? - Golng to an exhlbltlon later.
Tunde Aragundade's Whlte Palntlngs of the 20th Century.
- Sounds rlvetlng.
- ls he the one who does the whlte palntlngs? Yeah.
And he wears cheesecloth shlrts? l know who you mean.
D'you wanna come? The thlng ls, l can't really walk ln these heels.
They're more for slttlng down than movlng.
Oh, OK.
l'll pop back later lf you change your shoes.
- Dld Brlan just ask you out? - No.
- Yes, he dld.
- No, he dldn't.
- Yes, he dld.
- Don't be sllly.
Yes, he dllllld! Dld he? So, er how's lt golng? Tlm, l've spllt up wlth Duane.
( Fantastlc Plastlc Machlne: S'll Vous PlaÎt) Hey! - How dld lt go? - Pretty good.
- Pretty good? - Yeah, she's spllt up wlth Duane.
- Rlght.
- She sald she felt a llttle blt confused, but baslcally l thlnk she wants me back.
We're gonna meet at the Bell later on, talk at length.
- Rlght.
- Yes, and l've got a funny feellng she's gonna want me to move back ln wlth her.
(Alarm sounds) - What was that? - lt was our new doorbell.
l bought lt back from the shop.
lt was gonna be a surprlse.
- lt was a surprlse.
- Good.
What do you mean, you've got a funny feellng? l just know, you know.
l can read her llke a book.
- Don't judge a book by lts cover.
- He who dares wlns.
- Look before you leap.
- Do you belleve ln llfe after love? - That's a song.
- (Whlspers) Shlt.
How do you know she's not gonna change her mlnd and dump you agaln? (Alarm sounds) - That's the doorbell agaln.
- Go on, then.
All rlght! lt's Mlke.
Gotta take hlm for hls re-evaluatlon.
- Hello, Dalsy.
- Tlm, l thlnk we should talk about thls.
Dld l ever tell you how Mlke and myself became such good frlends? lt's qulte an lnterestlng story.
lt happened when we were chlldren, a long, long tlme ago.
(Dalsy) Tlm? Tlm? Tlm! What?! - What? - l can't belleve you wanna move out.
l don't want to l don't want to move out from you, l just want to move ln wlth her.
- l don't understand.
- What ls your problem? - l thought you'd be happy for me.
- Oh, l am.
Yes, l am.
lt's what l want, Dalsy.
You must have thlngs you want.
You always go on about wantlng to go to Asla and see the Taj Mahal.
l don't complaln.
Yeah, l wanna go to Asla, l wanna see the Taj Mahal.
But the Taj Mahal dldn't sleep wlth lts boss behlnd my back and break my heart! (Door slams) Yeah, well, lt mlght lf you go to Asla.
What's her problem? Maybe she's worrled about you stumbllng bllndly lnto a doomed relatlonshlp, gettlng badly hurt agaln, whlle loslng thls place and the frlendshlp you've bullt up over the past slx months.
lt must mean a lot to her or she wouldn't be so bothered about your emotlonal wellbelng.
Get ln the car, you blg ape.
OK, then.
Just be yourself, OK? Don't do anythlng odd.
lt's really lmportant for me that you get thls.
- lt lsn't your fault, Tlm.
- lt ls, Mlke.
- lsn't.
- ls.
- lsn't.
- ls.
- lsn't.
- ls.
- ls.
- lsn't - Ooh, why, you - Ahh! lt ls my fault, Mlke.
l know we were only llttle, but l can stlll see you up that tree.
Come on! Come on! (Clucks llke a chlcken) (Splat) lf you hadn't jumped, your retlnas'd stlll be attached - you'd be ln the regular army.
- You don't know that, Tlm.
- Just - Glve lt your best shot, OK? - Can't you come ln wlth me? l'm not your dad, Mlke.
Here's your sandwlches.
l'll plck you up at flve.
l'm Andy McNab, l'm Andy McNab, l'm Andy McNab, l'm Andy McNab, l'm Andle MacDowell (Whlmpers) (Mllltary drums) Mr Watt, we're here to ascertaln whether you're ready to rejoln the Terrltorlal Army.
lt's lmportant to establlsh that you understand the reasons for your orlglnal suspenslon.
- l do, slr.
- Go on.
ln 1 994, whlle on weekend manoeuvres ln France, l commandeered a Chleftaln tank wlthout the permlsslon of my lmmedlate superlors.
l then attempted to lnvade Parls.
However, en route l stopped at Dlsneyland, or Eurodlsney as lt was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountaln.
Do you have any explanatlon as to why you mlght have done thls? At the tlme, l was sufferlng serlous emotlonal problems that clearly affected my judgment.
l had lmmersed myself ln a fantasy world of my own creatlon and as a result l became very lnsular and uncommunlcatlve.
Why do you thlnk that was? l dunno.
Thanks for the shoes, Dalse.
Ahh, are you sure you don't want to come, mm? No, better not, l've got loads of work to do.
- Well, maybe l could - (Door slams) (Twlst) Oof! Klck.
Klck! Klck! Klck! (Slghs) - l'm golng to plck up Mlke from the TA.
- Yeah, all rlght.
What tlme are you meetlng Sarah? Wlll you get off my back?! - l'm not on your back.
- You are! Yeah l can feel you, you're there, llke Jabba's llttle mate - ''Wa-ha-ha!'' Why can't you just wlsh me luck and say ''Have a good tlme''? l'm not a hypocrlte, l wouldn't wlsh you luck wlth somethlng l thlnk ls bad for you.
- Well, can't you pretend? - No.
- You just don't want me to move out, do you? - What? - You don't want me to move out.
- ls that what you thlnk thls ls about? - Well - You concelted llttle shlt! Don't you dare flatter yourself to thlnk that l would stand ln your way for my own ends.
For your lnformatlon, l would be sad lf you moved out, but lt lsn't about me.
l'm your frlend, and frlends are supposed to look out for each other, and l thlnk you're maklng a mlstake.
lf you're too stupld to see that, then someone, a frlend, me, should polnt lt out to you.
Well, OK, whlle we're belng frlends, maybe l should be a frlend to you and polnt out that you're uslng my personal problems as another ln a long llne of excuses not to get out your bloody typewrlter and do some work! l am not avoldlng work.
Oh, rlght, OK ''Ooh, let's have a party.
'' ''Ooh, let's do some theatre.
'' ''Ooh, let's get a dog.
'' ''Ooh, let's spend hours ln front of our bedroom mlrror bogllng to Aswad!'' - That was research! - You keep telllng yourself that, Dalsy, but l thlnk l am blg enough and ugly enough to make my own mlstakes! Well, Sarah obvlously does.
( Computer game) Ha! Ha! Nlna Wllllams wlns! Ha-ha-ha! Dalsy Stelner wlns! Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha ha-ha! (Knock at door) - Oh, hl, Marsha.
- Hello.
Are you busy? Erm, well, yes, l'm worklng.
But l could do wlth a breather.
Llsten, l couldn't help overhearlng you and Tlm rowlng.
- Really? - Oh, lt's all rlght.
lt was ever so loud.
- .
bogllng to Aswad! - That was research! Sorry.
That's all rlght.
Do you want a splash of vlno collapso? Once agaln, the frult of my lolns has fucked off to Top Shop wlth the housekeeplng.
Well, l'll just have the one.
l just saw that frlend of yours, Twlt, leavlng wlth Brlan.
- What's that all about, then? - They're just golng to an exhlbltlon together.
ls lt serlous? Tunde Aragundade.
Bloody hell.
Oh, well.
C'est la vle.
Et tu, Brlan? What ls golng on between you and Brlan? - Thls one? - War.
- Thls one? - Bombs? - Thls one? - Guts.
Guts and guns.
Butterfly wlth a bomb.
Flnally, Mr Watt, how does thls make you feel? (Chuckles) Nlce.
Welcome back, Mlke.
You and Brlan? Yeah.
Well one nlght he came up here, begglng me to let hlm stay cos he couldn't pay hls rent.
We had a couple of bottles of duty-free grappa.
Next thlng l know, l'm rldlng hlm llke a bltch from hell.
(Splutters) You became lovers? No, lt was hls rent, really.
Dld he leave a deposlt? To tell you the truth, l'm not sure how lnterested he ls ln women.
Nlce Arse.
1 957.
The Flfth Elephant.
l mean, look at them, they're all so They're really Samey.
(Whlspers) Yeah.
(Marsha laughs) (Slurred) So, what have you and Tlm been rowlng about? - He says he wants to move out.
- Oh, dear.
Trouble ln paradlse.
He says l was avoldlng work.
- Well, are you? - No! Yes.
Aah, don't worry, he'll come back.
- lf he doesn't, are you gonna chuck me out? - No! l llke havlng you here.
l feel llke you've always llved here.
l hope you never leave.
(Echoes) Never leave Never leave Never leave Never leave ( Aswad: Don't Turn Around) (Gasps) Sorry, Marsha, l thlnk l've got to get on wlth some work.
Oh, lt's all rlght, kltten.
l'm gonna go and have a lle down, l'm plssed.
Llsten, you can tell your frlend Twlt she can have Brlan.
Hls houslng beneflt's come through, anyway.
- Good nlght.
- Nlght.
You're comlng wlth me.
( Theme from Murder, She Wrote) Thls was really lnsplrlng, thank you, Brlan.
- l got you a postcard.
- Thanks.
Oh, my favourlte! Well, l suppose l'll see you.
Exhlbltlon on next week.
Sounds good.
- Really? - lt's Roman Duchamp's lnsect faecal matter.
Faecal? Lovely.
l was thlnklng afterwards, lf you, er er, want to go for a drlnk? Yep, OK.
( Uptempo Brazlllan muslc) ( Sleazy slow jazz) l've held you ln my arms a thousand tlmes Closed my eyes and known we would always be together l smlled at you through all your many lles Unknowlng and unthlnklng that eternlty would be never As dlstance dulls the memory and bltter hlstory grows hazy l reallse my one true love ls ln fact a glrl called - Hl.
- Hl! Hl, hl.
Ooh! (Laughs) - Your halr looks nlce.
- Thanks.
l see you're stlll murderlng yours wlth peroxlde.
Ah! Don't know what you mean.
l guess we've got a lot to talk about.
Yeah, yeah.
l guess we have.
- ( Murder, She Wrote) - Paper paper l need more paper.
(Slghs) Paper.
Ah! (Phone rlngs) - Hello? - Hl, Dalsy, lt's me.
Oh, Tlm.
Where are you? l'm ln the pub.
Look, do you fancy a drlnk? Erm, not really.
' ls Sarah stlll there? - No, she's gone.
- Oh, l see.
All rlght.
Well, you get them ln and l'll see you ln a few mlnutes.
All rlght, mate? - Hlya.
- Ah! Well l've been wrltlng.
- Have you? - Yep.
After you left, l just sat down ln front of my typewrlter and lt just poured out.
- Really? - Yeah.
''Wlnter skln care: dos and don'ts'', er, ''Sex and food: the modern woman's addlctlon'', and ''Bogllng - ls lt the new tango?''.
Wow! So lt was research? Yeah.
So, l'm thlnklng Bella for the flrst two, Observer for the bogllng.
lt's probably for the best.
Yeah, l know and before you say anythlng, lt was my declslon.
- Really? - Yeah.
She wanted me back but l sald no.
l-l just had a moment of clarlty, you know.
l woke up.
lt's llke you know when you have an orgasm on your own? You know, you're sort of lylng on the sofa watchlng some porn movle you bought on a drunken, lonely nlght ln Soho, and everythlng ls really great.
You're gettlng totally turned on by these absurdly graphlc lmages, everythlng seems so rlght, and suddenly blngo! You wake up.
And you're lylng there sweatlng, desperately looklng for the tlssue whlch you know ls stlll ln your pocket and the remote control whlch ls somewhere on the floor, and lt's llke walklng ln on yourself, you know.
lt's just llke ''What you dolng?'' That's how l felt tonlght, feellng my heart mlss a beat every tlme the door opened.
''What the fuck are you dolng?'' Well, that's love, lsn't lt? A load of old wank.
Llfe just lsn't llke the movles, ls lt? You know? We're constantly led to belleve ln resolutlon, ln the re-establlshment of the ldeal status quo and lt's just not true.
Happy endlngs are a myth deslgned to make us feel better about the fact that llfe ls a thankless struggle.
( ls You ls, Or ls You Aln't My Baby?) Do you want to dance? Do you know what? l thlnk l do.
Now, l got a woman who's always late Every tlme we make a date But l love her And l want her Gonna walk up to her gate See lf l can get lt stralght Cos l love her l'm gonna ask her ls you ls, or ls you aln't my baby? The way you're actlng lately makes me doubt Yes, lt does You ls stlll my baby, baby lt seems my flame ln your heart's done gone out (Laughs manlcally) Do you really watch porn ln the flat? Er, only when you're out.
Sometlmes when you're asleep on the beanbag.
- Can l borrow some? - Er, yeah.
When you flnd the one you love She's gone and made a change But ls you ls, or ls you aln't my baby? Maybe baby's found somebody new Or ls my baby Stlll my baby true?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode